No one cares what I think

Bonus SNL: Best Ever Cast Members

2012-01-24T01:38:00.004-05:00

Since I am still in my SNL frame of mind, I'm going to list what is, definitely, the best list of cast members the show has ever had. Let me set a few ground rules:

First, this is a list of those who performed best on the show. In other words, you won't see Robert Downey, Jr. Ben Stiller, or Sarah Silverman just because of their later success. If you didn't do it between 11:30pm and 1am, it doesn't count.

Also, this person might have gone on to have a flop of a career after SNL, but that doesn't weigh into my list. Which, by the way, is absolute gospel.

Also, this might not necessarily mean THE funniest (although I think most of them are) but sometimes the best role players or utility players. Some of them might not have been the primary focus of a given sketch, but they could be counted on more times than not.

Also, there are going to be some omissions here, and some might chalk it up to sexism or racism, but to me it's a matter of talent and performance. For example, some might think Amy Poehler is a no-brainer here, but aside from some early strong seasons, she got a little lazy with her impressions. (See: Clinton, Hillary; Grace, Nancy)

I am also going to put them into categories: Show-Stoppers, Utility Players, and Impressionists. The Show-Stoppers are the ones who could make a skit hilarious (regardless of writing) with just their charisma and humor. The Utility players could be relied on to do any role needed, despite the quality of the skit. (They were the ones you never realized you would miss so much when they left.) And the Impressionists were good enough to actually make you forget the performer's name.

Here we go...

SHOW-STOPPERS

Bill Murray - The original "alternative comic" on SNL
Eddie Murphy - Carried the show for 4 years by himself
Gilda Radner - Oozing with charisma
Jimmy Fallon - Despite his constant cracking up, his energy carried the show
Kristen Wiig - The most talented female the show has ever produced
Mike Myers - See Fallon above
Will Ferrell - The heir apparent to Bill Murray

UTILITY PLAYERS

Dan Aykroyd - The Swiss Army knife of the first cast
Fred Armisen - Can play any race, always finds the funny part of the character
Jan Hooks - The most versatile female the show ever had, and a great actress
Joe Piscopo - Don't laugh, the guy was Eddie Murphy's only wingman
Maya Rudolph - The female Armisen (or Armisen is the male Rudolph)
Molly Shannon - Woefully underrated
Phil Hartman - Never had a bad performance. Ever.

IMPRESSIONISTS

Bill Hader - The best technician in show history
Dana Carvey - No one did a better job of getting to the heart of the character
Darrell Hammond - Sometimes phoned it in, but brilliant

WILD CARD

Tina Fey - Didn't perform much, but re-energized the show

CONSPICUOUSLY ABSENT

John Belushi - I just never got him.
Chevy Chase - I thought he did the same schtick over and over
Chris Farley - Sometimes brilliant, but sometimes just over the top
Amy Poehler - Got a little too impressed with her own talent

UNDERRATED

Chris Parnell
Will Forte
Abby Elliot
Jon Lovitz
Jason Sudeikis

And the worst five cast members in SNL history:

5) Melanie Hutsell - One-note
4) Rob Schneider - The brainless "Richmeister" was his only notable character
3) Adam Sandler - One note (Opera Man, Cajun Man), and usually just juvenile
2) Keenan Thompson - Bad actor, terrible impressionist, always the same
1) Horatio Sanz -

I'm Here to Fix Things: "Saturday Night Live"

2012-01-22T18:57:00.005-05:00

Since I'm so full of ~~good~~ incredible ideas, I've decided to get back into the blogosphere with my new feature, "I'm Here to Fix Things." It's my way to give free advice or guidance to an institution that clearly needs it. It's my version of pro bono work.

I'm not breaking any news here when I say that the venerable Saturday Night Live has been a little weak over the last decade or so. It has had some flashes of brilliance (the Betty White episode from last year comes to mind, even though I'm pretty annoyed that it was spurred on by a knee-jerk internet campaign), and once in a while a very funny skit. But for the most part, it's really not that funny. I mean I still watch it (usually on Sunday mornings) but not because it really makes me laugh.

If it didn't have a rotating cast, tradition on its side, and the occasional "buzz," it would have been cancelled years ago. There is no way that it has merited 35+ seasons based on quality alone.

Although Lorne Michaels may be a powerful "industry" big shot, he has really let the show get away from him. It's almost like he doesn't know comedy anymore. He has let one of the more talented casts that the show has ever had (Wiig, Hader & Armisen are all in the top 15 in cast history) die on the vine with atrocious, lazy writing.

So here's how to fix it.

1) Get rid of the dead weight, ie. Taran Killam and Keenan from "Keenan and Kel." Killam technically can do an "impression," but he doesn't do any of them well. Keenan used to be the token black guy, but now that they have the eminently more-talented Jay Pharaoh, Keenan is really no longer needed. Not that he was ever good. His impressions are awful (notably his godawful Al Roker), and he is too fat to play half of the people he plays (Herman Cain, Tiger Woods, etc.). He almost makes Horatio Sanz look like a great talent by comparison. Almost.

2) Get rid of the skits where the hosts play themselves. These usually manifest themselves as a talk show, where the talk show host says "ladies and gentleman, please welcome [real host]." The point of having a sketch show is to portray other people and events, not to be a vanity piece for your host. When Donald Trump hosted several years ago, there was one (1) skit in which he didn't play Donald Trump. We already met the celebrity in the intro, let's make that the last time we see those people as themselves.

3) Stop having Justin Timberlake on. I get it, he's supposedly talented, and somehow he's made a side-career for himself by being a comic. (I don't get it, the guy is not funny when Andy Samberg or Jimmy Fallon aren't writing for him.) The subtext of every Timberlake appearance is, "Isn't Timberlake TALENTED?!" Enough. He plays along, and good for him, but I'd take Jon Hamm or Alec Baldwin any day of the week at face value.

4) If you are going to do a spoof of another show (like "The View," for example) have it say something. It usually only does the same impression week after week, going to the tried and true impressions that the show has made into a weekly staple. But it should either say something about the show, or reach some kind of absurdity. In other words, it should have a POINT.

5) It doesn't need to always be "live." Some of the best bits have been the pre-recorded Digital Shorts that Samberg does. But the show stubbornly clings to the idea of "live." Being live might have been impressive in 1975, but it shouldn't be a hindrance to comedy. If you need to pre-record some material to make it funnier, then do it, goddammit.

6) Destroy all recurring characters except for the ones that REALLY work (The Barry Gibb Talk Show, ummmm.....). Warming Glow does a much better job than I could at listing the ones who should have been killed off after one try.

7) The intro should have the guest host actually doing something entertaining, and not just "taking questions from the audience" or talking to a parade of wacky characters from pop culture, or from the guest host's fake past. In other words, stop being lazy. (That could pretty much apply to everything on this list.) The guest hosts should be asked to do a lot more: otherwise they shouldn't be hosting at all (COUGHJanuaryJonesCOUGH). They need more Jon Hamms, more Melissa McCarthys. (And stop asking Timberlake to bail you out.) Get people who are not only popular, but can actually perform. So more Donald Trumps, no more fucking Tom Bradys.

8) Get Seth Myers off "Weekend Update," or at least give him another Amy Poehler to bounce things off of. He doesn't work as the sole anchor. At all. Especially because of his EXACT SAME DELIVERY!, on every punchline. (The same kind of sing-songy finish that you hear from a local on-the-scene news reporter right before they say "Maggie Malone, AC-tion news...." and throw it back to the anchor.) Seth may be a good writer, but he has turned Weekend Update -- which was a highlight when Fey/Fallon were there -- and turned it into the most predictably boring slog in the show.

9) Speaking of Weekend Update, let's lay off the "Here, with a commentary is [bad impression by someone currently in the news]." These impressions are the one that aren't good enough to be in an actual skit. This usually begins with someone wheeling in on a chair and saying "Woooooo!" (I'm looking at you, Keenan.) The formula has gone bad. They need another Norm McDonald, or Dennis Miller (when he was still funny and not a GOP mouthpiece), with topical humor that is not only funny, but actually says something. Don't use it as a repository for all your leftover C-plus material. (Bill Hader's "Stefon" is exempt from this rule.)

10) Speaking of satire and "saying something," this is where SNL has really lost its way. SNL used to be a snapshot of what was going on at the time, and mocking it. Now, it has been left in the dust by Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, and even Daniel Tosh. Doing impressions is not enough. The impressions should either be dead on, putting the character in an unlikely situation, or should be something exposing the ridiculousness of a situation. In 1992, SNL was named the "Entertainer of the Year" by Entertainment Weekly magazine, because of how they helped shape much of the national dialogue of that year's presidential race.(Forget for a second, that EW's "Entertainer of the Year" award is specious at best, with such timeless performers as Ricky Martin, the cast of Grey's Anatomy, and Taylor Swift winning.) Can you imagine THIS crop of SNLers getting that award? For what? For Gilly? For satirizing Elizabeth Hasselbeck? What is the last culturally poignant skit they've had?

11) Finally, kill the skits that go absolutely nowhere and have nothing to say. Especially when they aren't especially funny. You know the type I mean: you see the skit coming to an end, and then realize it isn't going to have a punchline. It fizzles out, the camera pans back, and it goes to commercial. If your skit isn't going to shine some light on something hypocritical, or at least make humor out of something ridiculous, then cut it. We live in times that need humor to act as a spotlight on the danger, hypocrisy and insanity we see in the world. SNL simply hasn't had the chops to do so. It shouldn't be that way.

Am I a comedy writer? NO. Not in any way. But even I know that, when in doubt, you make the small big, and the big small. The Onion does this better than anyone. It's actually kind of a simple formula. You take a huge event and boil it down to some mundane detail; or you take an insignificant issue and magnify it. It's not that fucking hard. I need a job; hire me as a writer on that show and I'll crank out 10 or so good sketches in one season (which would be a single-season record for the last decade).

When I was a kid, I used to ask my mom if I could stay up to watch SNL, in the days of Christopher Guest, Martin Short, Billy Crystal and, well, Jim Belushi. I then get into the 1986-and-beyond cast of Dana Carvey, Phil Hartman, Jan Hooks, etc., and they were a criminally underrated cast of performers and of writers. Had Will Ferrell not come around, the show might have been cancelled, and rightfully so.

The show can and should be a showcase for brilliant young writers. They should let these writers go for a full season, even if with the current cast (minus Keenan, of course). There is no reason that SNL can't reinvent itself, as it has so many times, and become, once again, the rapier of American comedy.

But I'll believe it when I see it.

I Miss Writing

2011-07-20T23:43:00.002-04:00

Basically, ever since I joined Facebook and Twitter, I have stopped writing. I guarantee I'm the only person in the continental 48 United States who cares about this, but I really feel like I'm out of practice. There is so much to reflect on!

And so, this onanistic enterprise, self-serving as it may be, is one I hope to pick back up in the next couple of weeks.

Shit, I'm not really doing anything else.

I will try and keep the politics, sports and vitriol to a bare minimum; though my anger ~~often~~ usually gets the better of me, I don't go out of my way to be the turd in the proverbial punch bowl: it just happens.

It's almost midnight, so it's too late for now, but I I'm tired of being glib (Tom Cruise hates it too), and I want to be verbose again. Even if I'm the only one who reads this crap.

Kill the Penny!

2010-10-12T19:12:00.002-04:00

In 2010, it costs about $0.0167 to make a penny.

The question is this: why in God's name are we still making pennies? At that rate of return, don't you think it's about time we just stop making them?

The government is constantly trying to save money; why not start here? If we are saving 67 cents for every penny we DON'T create, isn't that going to be a financial windfall, given the number of pennies created each year? If the number of pennies we make are in the 1-2 billion range, how much would we be saving by not making them?

I'm not saying we have to stop making them altogether, but maybe take 2011 off and see how it goes?

Have you ever run out of pennies? Ever? Have you ever needed pennies and not been able to find any? Do you ever look in your pocket and say, "I wish I had more pennies"?

Of course not, because they are everywhere. Getting pennies back is like jury duty: it's great in theory but it's just annoying when it finally comes your way.

It costs so much to make a penny because it has become so devalued. It's not worth much now, and it wasn't worth much 20 years ago. What makes you think it's going to be worth ANYTHING 20 years from now?

Why don't we slowly start phasing the penny out? (I'm obviously not the first person to come up with this idea.) Instead of getting pennies back, you can get a 1cent postage stamp, or a stick of gum, or a thumbtack or a band-aid or SOMETHING.

Most banks don't even accept rolls of pennies anymore. How is that even legal?

I'd even be willing to compromise with a 2-cent piece. You can even keep Lincoln's face on it. I'm guessing that most people wouldn't mind getting only $0.02 back in change when they are owed $0.03. That is how worthless the penny has become in our current currency.

Show me one real world item that is worth a penny. One practical equivalent that you could purchase for a penny.

That's right, there isn't one. We don't have penny candies anymore. Hell, I get annoyed by nickels, pennies are five times more annoying.

The worst part of this is that with all these pennies scattered across the globe -- and so many of those forgotten, lost or discarded -- we are probably losing millions of dollars a year in couch cushions alone. It is cluttering up an already cluttered world, and for what. So if you can accumulate five of them you can almost have enough for a small coffee creamer?

Just get rid of the damn thing. It's about time.

16 is Greater Than 18

2010-09-30T23:16:00.004-04:00

All right I haven't put up a blog in a while, and it's a really stupid topic to make my triumphant return, but I'm starting to worry about the NFL.

Sure they are currently the #1 sport in the nation -- in terms of popularity, quality gameplay, parity and any other metric you want to use (this point is inarguable so don't even attempt it) -- but they are doing everything they can do kill the proverbial golden goose.

I could cite the fact that they black out a team with a large stadium and a tiny market (Buffalo: 3rd smallest market, 7th largest stadium) for non-sellout games, but don't prorate to take into account smaller stadiums with bigger markets (Chicago: third largest market, smallest stadium).

I could cite their not allowing two double-headers.

I could cite their ridiculous rule of only allowing 30 seconds of an interview for broadcast a few years ago. Or the fact that one network couldn't show another network's highlights while a game was still in progress. (Are you really trying to tell me that the league is trying to avoid saturation????)

I could cite the fact that there might be a lockout in 2011, and that certain owners (see: Jones, Jerry; Snyder, Daniel) are trying to circumvent the revenue-sharing that made the league the greatest sports league in the world in the first place.

I do worry about all of these things. They seem to portend pride before the fall. Baseball, boxing and horse-racing were the three most popular sports in the year 1900, and they are all laughingstock now. (Yes, I said they are ALL a laughingstock.)

But the thing that worries me the most is the idea that the league is thinking of changing the number of games in a given year from 16 to 18. This would a be a colossal mistake, and a possible sea-change in the future of the league.

Let's start with this: if they go to 18 games, they will never -- EVER -- go back. It will be permanent. And it will be horrible. And for me it has nothing to do with more injuries or not allowing rookies to make the team.

The league switched to a 16-game schedule in 1978, and it's no coincidence that it matches exactly to the point at which football started leaving basketball in the dust in terms of popularity.

16 games is absolutely perfect, and the reason it is perfect is that football is a game of fours.

What the hell am I talking about? Well, think of it this way: baseball is a games of threes and nines. Three outs, three strikes, three bases (plus home plate); nine players on each team, nine innings. Those numbers really do speak to the history and symmetry of baseball. They are the essence of why the game works and carries such tradition. It's why people like Billy Beane compare players from 1908 to players from 2008.

When the NFL switched to 16 games, it found its perfect number. Football is a game of fours. Four downs, four quarters, four divisions in each conference, four teams in each division. Sixteen games is four times four: most coaches split each season into four "quarters" of four games each to gauge their success. Even the 100-yard field can be split into four "quarters" of 25 yards each for offensive strategies.

And unlike any other sport in America, you can spit out a record to give an immediate shorthand of how good a team is. They are a 2-14 team, a 7-9 team, a 12-4 team, or a 14-2 team. (In the Patriots' case, they were a 18-1 team, but that's a different story.)

You won't hear anyone saying "I think the Twins will be a 91-71 team this year."

We all know about 16, and I'll bet it helps many of us with our math. We know the shorthand, let's stop the prospect of a team going 9-9, or 16-2. Or 4-14.

It doesn't sound right!

They always say that no sports organization is better than the NFL at improving its product and reducing flaws. This has always been true, but now they are becoming too clever by half. I know that an extra two games would add some extra revenue, but it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem (ie. the recession).

When the NFL switched the playoff format to allow 12 teams for the 1990 season, it was absolutely the right move. 10 was too few, 14 was too many. Twelve is perfect: it leaves good teams out of the playoffs, only allowing the VERY good ones in (in theory anyway). In that way it distinguished itself from Baseball (who only allowed 2 per league at the time, and only 4 per league today), as well as hockey and basketball (in which more teams make the playoffs than miss them).

Let's not forget that in 1993, the league experimented with an 18-week schedule (16 games for each team with two bye weeks). It was such a disaster, and so disruptive -- to teams' routines and fans' viewing habits -- that it was scrapped after only one season. Unless the league wants 2011 to look like the strike-shortened season of 1987 (ie. all f'd up) where they only played 15 games, they need to leave a good thing alone.

Eighteen games is a cash-grab, no more. It doesn't improve the product. It doesn't give two welcome extra weeks. (We are always geeked for the playoffs to start.) And there is no upside. It's going to provide for more sellouts, maybe, but also more blackouts for struggling teams. It's not for the fans, it's for the separation of loyal fans and their money.

If 18 wasn't good enough for a legal drinking age, it sure as shit isn't good enough for the League.

Record Stores are Relics

2010-04-16T23:05:00.010-04:00

I have just over 1500 albums by my count, and though they weren't all purchased on CD or cassette, thousands -- if not tens of thousands -- of dollars of them were. Record stores became both a Mecca and a sanctuary for me in my younger life. My buddy Cialini and I went to Camelot Records in Eastview Mall every Saturday for the better part of a year to blow the bulk of our paychecks on the new music that was coming out that week -- as well as bricks of blank tapes for "dubbing" purposes. It didn't take Cialini and I long to amass a pretty huge collection of rap and hip hop albums of the early 1990s.

More than just being a place of commerce, record stores have always been a place of discovery for me. I have to admit, I've never been one of these DJ Shadow-type characters, going into the "back room" where the obscure vinyl was. But that didn't make my record store discoveries any less revelatory. Back in the days before the internets, there were no reviews online to tell you whether an album was going to suck or not. You had to either get The Source or RapPages to get the scoop. (Ironically, having only a couple of voices rather than thousands of them tended to lend more clarity than modern online criticism does.) But if you got to the record store and that month's issue of The Source hadn't come out yet, you were going on blind faith.

I would buy albums sometimes for no particular reason. I remember buying Stetsasonic's "In Full Gear" album because I thought the cover looked kinda cool. Ditto Grand Daddy I.U.'s "Smooth Assassin." I bought Lord Finesse's "Return of the Funky Man" because of a video I had seen once on MTV and liked; ditto Spice-1's "Spice-1" (a very bad album with one very good song). Record stores were not a safe place to take chances back then ... but that is what made every surprisingly good album such a great victory.

Back then I was a proud cassette man, partially because I found their analog pedigree more reliable than the fickle digital format, but also because I am a cheapskate and CDs were more expensive. Besides, I didn't have a Bose stereo or anything, so I didn't need CD-quality anything for the most part. By buying tapes, I could more quickly build up an arsenal of music that would later become the envy of a few of my friends. (This was the embryonic stage of a possibly self-destructive "ticker" mentality that has permeated into other avenues of my life and turned me from someone seeking pleasure in life to someone collecting the most shit.) There was almost nothing better than suddenly seeing an album that you had been mulling over buying for months in the bargain bin for like $1.99. I remember once I came home from the mall $80 lighter, but with 13 new albums.

I would quite literally quantify my paycheck in terms of how many tapes I could buy with it. I kid you not. I bought almost nothing else.

After college, I made it my mission to visit every single solitary record store in Rochester, New York, just because I loved going to them so much. I made quite a dent too, and spent hours upon hours sitting at vinyl listening stations and thumbing through stacks of CDs and tapes.

I used to go to Soundgarden in Syracuse, NY about once very two weeks, and I would drop between $30 to $50 on every single transaction. (I am physically and genetically incapable of buying only one CD.)

So with these qualifications in mind, please hear me out when I say this...

There is little need for record stores right now.

Now before all my record store employees and crate-diggers get mad, let me explain. I'm not saying that there WILL never be a need for record stores again, but right now, anyone with a computer can get any album they want for $9.99 on iTunes and the cost of a blank CD. (Some can get them even cheaper, if they know where to look. Wink wink.) The biggest problem is that while record stores are still a wonderful place to spend an hour looking through CDs, they are not practical in their current incarnation.

First of all, the staff at many record stores are assholes. I hate to say it, but it's true, and this is one place where it permeates both the mom-and-pop shops or the big box stores. At the mom-and-pop shops, the counter jockeys are aloof, too-cool-for-the-room hipster assholes who think they are Jack Black in High Fidelity. (This is a broad generalization, I know, but you know I'm not wrong.) They stare at their clipboard or their cell phone, and when you say "excuse me" to ask for help, they say, "What's up" in a tone that really means "this better be important."

The Best Buys and Circuit Citys of the world are hardly better. They may be slightly more friendly, but they generally know jackshit about the music they are selling. And at any one of these places, when you check out, they don't say "thank you" or "have a great day." They usually say "yuuup" as they dismissively hand you a receipt while looking the other way.

These oversights are simply stupid for the music industry. If a consumer can eliminate the annoying human interaction (yecch) that was inherent to purchases pre-1995, why wouldn't they? Why would I want to deal with some patchouli-smelling shitbag with a bad haircut when I can get the exact product -- the EXACT SAME PRODUCT -- online, usually for cheaper. I don't have to drive anywhere, I don't have to pay postage as I might if ordering from a catalog, and I don't have to put my pants on.

If anything, you would think that record stores would be bending over backward to make the customer experience more enjoyable for their patrons. You would think that they would employ armchair music experts who could not only point you to the album you want, but suggest one or two others as well. You would think that with download technology eclipsing their raison d'etre, they would find other innovative ways of dealing out the goods, much like other brick-and-mortar retailers have done with other products.

But the music industry has never been smart about catering to their customers. They have seen an unconscionable drop in sales, not (just) because the music of today stinks, but because they are not offering any more-attractive alternative. The entire idea of capitalism is that, if someone is willing to sell for cheaper, you go to them. Period, end of story. The Recording Industry has tried to litigate people into buying their wares, at exorbitantly marked-up prices.

And to me, this is the crux of why record stores are failing: they are following an old model, and relying on litigation and fear of prosecution to keep them competitive. (You know, in lieu of actually improving the attractiveness of their product.)

I think it's great that they are having "Record Store Day" tomorrow (April 17), and I may try and get out to a couple of record stores to show some support and buy some new tunes. (I have bought two CDs in the last two years, both by mail. I have downloaded dozens.)

But record stores are not going to recover until they drop their prices.

The bottom line is that with iTunes selling most albums for $9.99, along with the convenience of not having to go anywhere, record stores simply cannot compete. It is strictly impossible. But the price of CDs has not gone down significantly. Yes, it may be $8.99 now instead of $11.99, but that's a drop in the bucket.

When any new technology ages, the price naturally drops. It happened with the VCR, DVDs and players, TVs, computers... you name it. I remember when blank CDs were $1 per disc: now you can get a 100-pack for $15 if you know where to get them. It's natural evolution, and it's the way that inflation balances itself to some degree. But record stores have never received this proverbial memo.

Instead, you still have FYE stores selling CDs for $17!! Seventeen American dollars for a mass-produced piece of plastic that probably cost fourteen cents to make. This is the greed of the industry. Everyone's gotta make a living and make a profit, but this borders on extortion.

Think of music in opposition to the video industry. The video/DVD industry has a model: pay a small fee to watch one time or rent for a small window of time, and pay a larger fee if you want to keep it. There is a certain level of concession made by both parties in this transaction. If you only want to keep it for 3 days, it's $5; if you want to own it forever, it's $15. Simple. If you don't like the movie you rented, well it was only $5 to find that out; if you want to own it, here is a modest increase in the price, and you can watch it whenever.

The record industry has no such model. Unless you're in the library, you can't borrow a CD for $3 and then bring it back. Home recording equipment made that impossible. Why not, I'm not sure; renting didn't cripple the VHS market in the '80s and '90s, and illegal recording capabilities existed then too.

So what you have is a monolithic record industry who is not only unwilling to bend on pricing to meet market demand, but actually actively price-GOUGING. It's no wonder that the record industry has no goodwill with the buying public. They expect you to pay 5-6 times more than you should be paying, and that's with risking buying a crappy product! And all this for an unknown commodity you can't even rent ahead of time to see if you'll like it!

My solution: every record store should go the Fugazi route and sell every single album for $5.99 or less. You are still making a profit, you are underselling iTunes (by a lot, I might add), and you are bringing people into the record stores, where their eye might be drawn to another album they wanted. Oh and another one, oh and that one! They could walk out of your record store with four albums for under $25 ... instead of possibly one for $17.

You are also encouraging people to take chances on buying more music, and therefore broadening their scope to possibly purchase other music they might not have otherwise given a shot. If I know I only have to pay $6 for an album instead of $13, I'm going to take way more of a chance on trying something new that I might not have before. Good for company, good for consumer.

Again, the record companies are still making a profit, and I'm still walking away with a shit-ton of tunes.

Naturally, this will never happen, because the myopic, short-sighted music industry wants to squeeze every fucking penny they can out of you. They are not interested in creating a diverse culture of music experts, but rather of maximizing their profit-margin. What they don't realize is that if they would just ease up on their greed for a short period of time, they would probably get back on their feet.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get in my car, drive downtown, find a place to park, pay $14 for a CD that I can't listen to beforehand, and spend 25 minutes trying to get the goddamn plastic off.

ACORN

2010-04-08T00:12:00.002-04:00

If there is any justice in this world, James O'Keefe will be sodomized in prison and left for dead.

Visit msnbc.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

Video Store Memory

2010-03-22T18:45:00.003-04:00

I don't know why I just thought of this, but there was an incident that happened to me at an old job, and it still bothers me to this day. I don't know why I can't let things like this go, but there was something about it that still infuriates me. It might be one of the reasons I hate people as a whole.

I was working at a video store -- this was about 1999 or so, when they still had VHS tapes -- and we had a program with our popular new releases that if we didn't certain titles in stock, we'd give you a coupon for a freebie for next time. This usually applied toward big-name movies, or "Blockbuster" titles, if you will.

One night was especially busy, and we were all out of one movie, and so we were handing out coupons left and right. (I don't even the remember the movie, which I should if I'm going to continue harboring resentment toward the incident.)

We did keep a small stockpile of these movies behind the counter, because we found out that people were coming around with no intention of renting the movie in question, just to get the free coupon. There was nothing more priceless than having some asshole come up to the counter saying, "You don't have any copies of ________, so I'll take a coupon." I would say, "Well actually, it's your lucky day!" and then produce a copy of the movie. More than a few times, the person would say, "Oh, no never mind," and I would leave a comment on their account not to give them any coupons or refund them any late fees for trying to scam. Ah, the good old days.

So anyway, this one guy comes up to get a coupon, and so I gave one. We were completely out of copies, even our backups. The kid didn't look like white trash: he was relatively well-dressed, nice-looking enough (no homo) and if I didn't know better I would have assumed he was not a piece of shit.

I gave him a coupon and dated it one month later to the day, which was the policy. Since we were so busy, I forgot about the kid and started ringing up other customers. The video store I used to work at did a ton of business, and Friday nights were often out the door.

About ten minutes later, the kid to whom I had just given the coupon for the freebie (to be redeemed at a later time) came up with the movie that we had been out of, and so he plopped that and the coupon on the counter, smiling a sketchy little smile as if to say, "Give my my free movie, bitch."

I was pissed for two reasons:

1) It turns out that this sonofabitch went into our "Employees Only" video drop box and found the movie he was looking for. (We didn't have a lock on it, and at this store it was out on the floor, not behind the counter.) He went into an Employees-only space, like a selfish hunk of shit, and just took what he wanted. Make no mistake, this was a violation. Since I had already given him the coupon -- and didn't wait until he left the store as I had been instructed to do by my manager -- I had no recourse. And the reason I had no recourse was ...

2) ...because I never put a date range on the ticket. I gave an end-date, but I never gave a beginning date. (From this point forward I would always put the next day's date on the ticket.) I still don't know whether I was furious at myself or at the scheming piece of trash who did this.

The worst part is, I'm sure he doesn't remember the incident. Even worse, I couldn't pick him out of a lineup, which means the odds of me identifying him well enough to punch him in the testicles gets slimmer by the day.

The Facts

2010-03-16T19:27:00.004-04:00

I'm having trouble figuring out whether the Tea Party members and/or many Republicans are stupid, or just evil. And more importantly, which one would be worse. Which would you rather have in charge: a gang of good-hearted but foolhardy incompetents, or a well-oiled, brilliant evil cabal.

I honestly can't tell which these people are. I suppose that there has to be a combination of both. But with the groundswell of misinformation spreading around like so much astroturf-growing fertilizer, are the people perpetrating this horseshit actually too dumb to understand? Or are they so smart that they know repeating the lie over and over will eventually make it "truth."

Take the example of J.D. Hayworth -- the man who is running against John McCain for the Arizona Senate seat this year. He said in reference to gay marriage: "You see, the Massachusetts Supreme Court, when it started this move toward same-sex marriage, actually defined marriage -- now get this -- it defined marriage as simply, 'the establishment of intimacy.'"

Rachel Maddow, to her credit, kept her cool -- and a straight face -- when telling this dipshit that there is no mention of "establishment of intimacy" anywhere in Massachusetts law. The would-be senator basically said it's a "difference of opinion." No, fucko, it's not a difference of opinion. It's either a fact, or it's not. Why is it that facts suddenly mean nothing in today's political argument.

[Side note: I wish these subintelligent jackasses would stop using the "gay marriage is like allowing a man to marry a horse" fallacy. A marriage is not legal if is not with the bride's consent, nor can an animal given consent to marry. From a strictly legal standpoint, this is pretty clear I would think. If I have intimate relations with a woman -- just go with me on this one guys -- it doesn't mean that she and I are married, now does it? And if these hypocritical assholes are so concerned about this, why are they not up in arms over that waste of blood platelets in South Korea who just married his pillow? Why so quiet, Brent Bozell? I can't hear you, Mitt Romney.]

Facts are not malleable. Interpretations of facts certainly are, but facts themselves are not. Let's get that straight. When there is unequivocal proof of something, it is a fact and not just a matter of one's own opinion. So based on this, J.D. Hayworth pretty much embarrassed himself in front of anyone who could see that the pantless Emperor is running around with his dick swinging in the wind.

So when people call Obama a "communist" (or when radical-liberals called Bush a Nazi), I'm not sure if they were just trying to evoke an dishonest emotional reaction to a buzzword, or if they were too stupid to truly understand what those words really mean. While it's true that many of the Bush Administration's foreign policies smacked of imperialism, it was certainly a far cry from the Third Reich. And just because Obama believes in higher taxes for those who can afford it (and begrudgingly enacted TARP), that does not make him a "communist" or "socialist" as some might say. To paint him as such is not only dishonest, it's just fucking stupid. Anyone who would truly call him a socialist has a) no idea what Obama is really about, or b) what the words "communism" and "socialism" mean. There is also a third choice, c), that implies that they might be very knowledgeable, but are intent on steering their hapless flock of mongoloids the wrong way.

We know that the Republicans have been engaging in Psy-Ops for a while now, putting up "anonymous" billboards of Obama with a turban, or some other nonsense. The idea is that Obama must "hate America" and is trying to pull a fast one to ruin the country. He is a closet terrorist, you see??!?!? He's waiting for the right time to strike! And we better take back our country or else! [Cue Toby Keith music]

The problem is, Obama is not a terrorist. Anyone saying that he is, is either a liar, or too stupid to know the difference. Either way, that's a problem, because those people's votes count just as much as mine.

But people are afraid to call these assholes liars. (Calling these liars assholes only exacerbates the problem.) And this here is the conundrum of liberal influence. I hate to use the term, but people are far to politically correct to call these lying scumbags ... well ... lying scumbags. It is perfectly appropriate to call a liar a liar, and to point out exactly where he is lying. And if he's not lying but is incorrect, someone should be able to quote scripture and verse as to where someone is wrong. (Note to Republicans and teabaggers: this would work for you too, if you ever said anything based in fact.)

I had a conversation with a good friend of mine the other day -- one who has a conservative bent -- in a forum were some comments were left, and he and I had a disagreement, and that's fine. But one of his commenters said something so stupid that I couldn't believe it. He said (and I'm paraphrasing), "I can't wait until Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid and Obama are out of office so they can stop racking up trillions of dollars worth of debt, and Republicans can get back to making this country profitable again."

I'll let that one settle in for a second.

I hate to quote the creepy Eric Massa, but he did say one thing right: the national debt did not start last year. Without playing the "blame Bush" game here, in 2000, we had a huge surplus, and now, we have a huge debt. (Part of that is because we are fighting two wars and people with teabags hanging from their clothes don't want to pay any more in taxes, but that's a different point altogether.) That is economic fact. It's not an opinion I made up because I'm a "tree-hugging liberal." You can make the argument that you feel Republicans are better when they are in charge; that's fine, that's an opinion, and one to which you have the right. But what you don't have the right to is facts: the fact is, neither Obama, or Herr Pelosi, nor that sniveling ineffectual Harry Reid caused financial meltdown.

In fact, I read an article the other day saying that despite some hard-to-swallow realities, the Obama economic policies are actually working. [Update: here is the link to the article.] I would love to see him really nail the banks abusing TARP, and until he prevents them from anally-intruding their customers with prohibitive fees and unannounced interest-hikes, I can't say I approve with 100% of what's done. But to say that he's destroying the country economically is not matching up with the numbers.

[Side note: I sent a private message to my buddy telling him that his indignant friend was, and I quote, "a fucking retard." I'm not proud of using that language, but based on my limited exposure to this post-Keynesian economic theorist, I believe it in my heart. My friend responded, something to the effect of, "Well I don't know about that, he served in the military and saw a lot of combat." Out of respect to his service, I relented. However, can we please stop justifying people's right to an incorrect opinion just because they served in the military? I admire the service, but you don't suddenly become a genius -- or get credit for being a good person for that matter -- just because you put on a uniform. It's a total cop-out to say that just because I haven't worn the uniform that I don't have right to an opinion about something. That's a fucking cop-out, and it's how children argue. How about as long as my opinion isn't related to military inner-workings -- something of which I know nothing -- I'm not dismissed like some kind of coward? Just because you served and I didn't, scissors does not beat rock, sorry. Fuck that horseshit.]

Now I am not some rah-rah Democrat. Remember: I am not a registered Democrat and have not been for over a decade. I think Democrats are a bunch of weak do-nothings, who would rather be inoffensive than get things done. The way they squandered a year and a half of a supermajority is mind-boggling, and emblematic of why Dems can shit in their hat for all I care. But by comparison, Republicans on the whole come off like evil fearmongers. They would rather shout empty slogans and call people names than to have rational, fact-based arguments. [If you want a really great, nonpartisan site to sort out the lies, go to Politifact.com. They do a great job of separating truths, half-truths, untruths and outright bullshit.]

Can we please get to a place where facts make sense again? Where people are honest and forthright, even with difference of opinion? I don't even mind people having hatred for other people, but do it for the right reasons. Hate Obama for who he is (a liberal), not for who he isn't (a terrorist, a communist). If you are part of the white-noise, then you are part of the problem.

Feast or Famine

2010-02-17T18:58:00.003-05:00

I had a routine physical last month and turns out that, for a fat guy, I'm actually in pretty good health. My blood pressure was good -- likely due to my dutiful consumption of blood-thinning alcohol -- and my cholesterol is only a hair above normal. This came as a shock to me, since when I got a "health screening" at work in 2006, all my metrics were way off. So I was happy, although it would have been nice to have the doctor say that I needed more peanut butter pie in my diet.

He did tell me that I have to drop some weight, because if I don't, it will lead to health problems down the road. Since my health is inexplicably decent, I figure that it's probably a good time to start shedding some unwanted poundage.

I told the doctor that I was planning to go to the gym a lot more, and that I was hoping that I could offset my high-calorie, low-nutrition diet with some hardcore exercise. And he told me something that I guess I had never considered before: no matter how much you exercise, you can't out-run a bad diet.

This was shocking to me. I had always figured that I could counteract any visit to the BK drive-thru with an hour on the elliptical. But it turns out it's the other way around: I could do three hours on the treadmill and a side of french fries would kill it.

This BLEW my EFFING mind.

Okay, not actually, but it did give me a new look on food. My relationship with food has always been close but not a healthy one (no pun intended). One of my New Year's resolutions was to start cooking more and cooking BETTER. Not necessarily healthier but more delicious and less easy; more food that's not made in the microwave. So when my doc told me I had to stop eating as much -- he even gave me a meal plan with a lot of cottage cheese and apples -- I thought I was kissing my delicious foods goodbye.

Then a couple of weeks ago, I stumbled upon a method of eating called ADF -- Alternate Day Fasting. It's also known as Intermittent Fasting (I.F.), and it is basically this: eat every other day. It sounds impossible, but I've been doing it for a couple non-consecutive weeks and it's really given me some interesting results and insights into my relationship with food.

Here's how I do it: I can eat pretty much however I choose from 6pm to 6pm on alternating days, and then I go without eating (or if I have to cheat, I keep it under 300 calories) on the other 6-6 shift. It's definitely not a quick fix -- my weight has gone down, but not drastically -- it's a long-term strategy. The idea is to limit calorie intake over time. Since the body deals with calorie intake over long stretches of time (week to week as opposed to day to day), it will result in long term loss of excess fat.

Oddly, there are also tons of additional health benefits, such as a reduction of glucose and insulin, and lowering risks of coronary disease, strokes and blood pressure. In fact, in all the research I did, there was no real downside ... other than the fact that many of us are miserable bastards when we are hungry.

I have been referring to it as the "Caveman Diet" because it follows the eating cycles of cavemen, who did not eat every day, but rather ate when they got hungry and then went and hunted their food, gorging on it when they could. They had very little if any belly fat, and actually had a longer lifespan than we do. (Their early deaths were due to other unsafe factors in their lives, like biblical floods and brontosauri.

For me, this method is forcing me to re-think my codependent relationship with food. Rather than absently chewing on food during bored hours in front of the tv, I'm now abstaining altogether. To me, this is so much easier than counting calories or staying away from foods I like. Now, I just don't eat one day, and I don't worry the next.

I'm starting to appreciate food more instead of feeling like I "need" to have it all the time. Truth is, I don't. Also, when 6pm rolls around and it's been 24 hours since I've had anything significant, having that first piece of food is like Christmas morning and the opening day of football seasons rolled into one. Not to mention, I am stuffed after even small portions now. Maybe that means my stomach shrinking, or maybe it means my body is not just getting full faster. Either way, it's gotta be a good thing.

You would think that this would give me a tendency to gorge on my "food days," and while that was true early on, I've pretty much reined that in. I probably do overeat a little bit, but definitely not to complete excess. And when you spread one days over-eating over two days (and repeat for several weeks), you are still looking at a net loss in calorie intake.

It's not the easiest thing in the entire world: there are days that I'm just a miserable asshole to everyone because of my self-induced starvation. When that happens, though, I'm not gorging on three slices of pizza; I'm having a granola bar and a cup of coffee for a little boost.

The worst part is, of course, beer. On days that I can't eat, I also can't drink anything but water, so booze is out of the question, unfortunately. That will probably be a good thing, long term, both for my liver and for my finances. Plus, I don't have to give it up altogether, just rein it in. And that's the beauty of this plan all the way around: I'm not giving anything up, I'm just limiting the window in which I can consume them.

I have no idea if this will work for me long term, or if I'll even be able to keep with it, but I am feeling pretty good about it so far. And the best part is, I don't actually have to DO anything ... I just have to "DON'T" something, and that's eat for 24 hours. Its actually much easier to do that than go to the gym. (Not that this replaces working out, I'll get back to exercising in about August or so.) I'm hoping that long-term, I won't "crave" food as much as just enjoy it when I get to it. It's okay to be a little bit hungry (or a whole hell of a lot-bit) every once in a while. And just knowing that 6:00 will come around soon enough is surprisingly comforting.

First Post of the 2010s!

2010-01-11T18:45:00.006-05:00

It's been a while since I blogged, so I thought I'd weigh in on three things that are really annoying me right now. I have OPINIONS!

1) Yes, I admit that the Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien hasn't been very good, and most of that has to do with Conan's (excuse the cliche) losing his edge. The day Conesy lost me was when he had Paris Hilton doing a Bob Hope-style walk-on, complete with golf club. It wasn't spontaneous, her jokes were not particularly funny, and worst of all, it let Paris Hilton in the club.

The thing that was great about Conan's old show is the way that it allowed all the nerds in. Those of us who were never the "cool kids" were able to relate to a guy like Conan -- although his self-deprecation is often too belabored. People like Paris Hilton were the target ... they shouldn't be allowed in the clubhouse. When Conan legitimized this talentless tart, I realized that he wasn't one of "us" anymore, he was one of "them."

Now, I do give him a little slack. It's not like I hate Conan, or think he's a true sell-out. But I was no-longer compelled to watch his show, because he wasn't getting the laughs. But I had expected Conan to find his groove ... eventually. After about a year or so, he probably would have found his new voice -- a la David Letterman, who holy shit will have been on the air twenty years in 2013.

But it looks like Conan won't get his chance, because for some reason, NBC seems to think that Jay Leno is the answer. Jay Leno, who milked Bill Clinton and OJ Simpson jokes for well over a decade, but somehow inexplicably trounced Letterman in tv ratings. (Well, actually, it's very explicable... Americans are fucking idiots.) So now, as if he was some sort of automatic ratings machine, NBC is going to move him back to 11:35, and then Conan to 12:05. Keep in mind, Leno has been ON TV FOR THE LAST SEVERAL MONTHS. Maybe people got tired of Leno, and you have to give them just a tad bit more credit than to think they would have forgotten he existed just because he was on at 10pm.

So after the Olympics are over, Leno is going to be on again AFTER the local news instead of before. And my hope -- as well as my prediction -- is that the public realized from the 10pm experiment that Leno is old and stale, and just not that damn funny, and that Conan bolts for another network and can do his own thing again without having to live up to the "Tonight Show" brand. Because at this point, who gives a shit.

2) The "Rooney Rule" is the rule in the NFL that all teams must interview minority candidates before they can make a hire. The idea is very noble: to get exposure for more minority candidates so that they will have more chances at jobs. It is affirmative action, yes, but it's also been proven to be very effective. (The Steelers, to their credit, put their money where their mouths are, as they hired Mike Tomlin, a black coach who led them to a Super Bowl championship last season.)

But this past week a pair of Washington teams -- the Redskins and Seahawks (see what I did there, football fans?) -- hired high-profile coaches without following the spirit of the Rooney Rule. The Skins did a cursory interview with their assistant coach Jerry Gray, and the Seahawks did a sham interview with Vikings defensive coordinator Leslie Frazier. Both teams knew they were going to hire established coaches, which makes the interviews of the minority candidates seem especially hollow, and condescending.

But you can't really blame the teams for hiring who they did -- two of the most well-known football coaches of the last fifteen years. Back in 2003, the Detroit Lions fired their coach because recently-deposted 49ers Steve Mariucci became available, and they knew they wanted him. The Lions got fined because they didn't interview a minority candidate. (The Cowboys, incidentally, did not, even though their sham interview consisted of a phone call with Dennis Green.)

But think about it, why force these teams to interview a minority when they know with 100% certainty that there is no chance that any of the minority candidates have a chance... not because they aren't qualified, but because the teams had pre-existing coaches in mind. But you can't just throw the Rooney Rule out, can you??? There's got to BE a better way!

I have the solution, and I'm not the first to come up with it, but I'll tell you about it. The Rooney Rule should be this: if you only interview ONE candidate (eg. Pete Carroll, Mike Shanahan), you don't have to do a phony interview with a minority candidate. This would allow these teams to expedite their hirings and stop with the phony bullshit.

If your team does MORE than one interview, however, that team has to interview at least as many minority candidates as they do white candidates. This, you might think, is also a sham, but it shouldn't be. A wider net cast would mean that teams would open up their searches anyway, so the more exposure the better for all. If they just implement this in the Rooney Rule, all will be well.

3) Mark McGwire is a selfish asshole and I hope he never gets into the Baseball Hall of Fame. I have never liked him, because of what an arrogant cock he was in 1998 when he broke the then-home run record and went on Letterman talking about what a service that he and Sammy Sosa did for the country. Not for the NL Central, not for Major League Baseball. For the COUNTRY. He can shit in his hat.

It's interesting that when he didn't get immunity in the 2004 baseball steroid hearings, he decided to pull his "I'm not here to talk about the past." And then he remained silent about the matter for over five years.

But today, he decided that he wanted to fess up about it. Why? Because his conscience was weighing on him? Because the truth needed to be told? Because he wanted to tell kids not to do it? No, of course not. It's because he wanted another job in baseball, and this was the only way that anyone was going to let him do it. If he wanted to take credit for saving the nation 11.5 years ago, he can take the heat for being a sack of shit.

4) I read a Facebook group called "I Shouldn't Have to Press '1' so Speak English!" Of course, this is blatant anti-immigration racism in the guise of pro-America populism. It's horseshit. If you don't like brown people, just admit it. Stop acting like somehow you are a more legitimate American just because you speak English. Remember, America has NO official language, and that's the way the Founding Fathers wanted it.

Of course, when you go onto the site to read the comments, there is a lot of "go home to your country" and "learn to speak English!" and other such nonsense. But do you know what's so ironic? Spanish speakers are not ruining the language in this country: English speakers are.

If you've ever listened to a NASCAR-loving hillbilly speak, you can tell that they don't have what we might call a "command" of the English language. Not only do they mix their metaphors, but they usually leave the "g" of gerunds, such as "learning," "talking" and "eating." They use phrases like "that dog don't hunt," and "git er done!" but somehow get upset about Ebonics. (Also, they are under the borderline retarded notion that Ebonics was something proposed to be TAUGHT in schools to students. It wasn't: it was meant to be taught to TEACHERS so that they could more effectively communicate with their students.)

Also, can we agree that even common language is dying? And it has nothing to do with people from other countries trying to usurp our linguistic dominance. It has everything to do with lazy Americans (blacks AND whites both) who don't feel like learning the correct ways to say things, instead relying either on what "feels" right, or what they thought they heard once.

The best example of this is "irregardless." I'm sure that a bunch of these shit-kicking hicks have used this combination of letters. But the truth is, there is no such word. It came about by some numbskull combining "regardless" and "irrespective." Before "Bennifer" and "Brangelina," there was "irregardless."

But do you want to know the infuriating part? Some dictionaries actually recognize "irregardless" as an actual word. Basically, the least educated of our society has somehow come to dictate language, and infiltrate the intelligent, correct-spelling world with their stupidity. If these "I hate pressing '1' to speak Inglish" people had any integrity at all -- or any LEGITIMATE respect for the English language, as opposed to using it as some kind of patriotic wedge issue -- they would be storming the offices of Webster's and demanding that such heresy be stricken from the books, to PRESERVE OUR LANGUAGE!

But no, these cro-magnon faggots will flip over their Bill Engvall cassettes and LOL whenever he says "Heerrrrrrrrrre's yer sign!"

Ahhhh... I feel so much better now. Happy New Year!

Best of the 2000s: Best Movies

2009-12-28T21:54:00.019-05:00

The 72 MOVIES I LOVED IN THE 2000s

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King - 2003 - Peter Jackson
The Departed - 2006 - Martin Scorsese
Borat - 2006 - Larry Charles
The Prestige - 2006 - Christopher Nolan
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring - 2001 - Peter Jackson
Sideways - 2005 - Alexander Payne
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers - 2002 - Peter Jackson
School of Rock - 2003 - Richard Linklater
Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World - 2003 - Peter Weir
Amélie - 2001 - Jean-Pierre Jeunet
Lost in Translation - 2003 - Sofia Coppola
300 - 2007 - Zack Snyder
Donnie Darko - 2002 - Richard Kelly
Adaptation - 2003 - Spike Jonze
X2: X-Men United - 2003 - Bryan Singer
Good Night, and Good Luck. - 2005 - George Clooney
X-Men - 2000 - Bryan Singer
Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang - 2005 - Shane Black
Inglourious Basterds - 2009 - Quentin Tarantino
Mulholland Dr. - 2001 - David Lynch
The Fountain - 2006 - Darren Aronofsky
Zombieland - 2009 - Ruben Fleischer
Brokeback Mountain - 2005 - Ang Lee
Spirited Away - 2001 - Hayao Miyazaki
Minority Report - 2002 - Steven Spielberg
Milk - 2008 - Gus Van Sant
The Dark Knight - 2008 - Christopher Nolan
Ocean's Eleven - 2001 - Steven Soderbergh
The 40-Year-Old Virgin - 2005 - Judd Apatow
In The Loop - 2009 - Armando Iannucci
Imaginary Heroes - 2005 - Dan Harris
Narc - 2003 - Joe Carnahan
The Wrestler - 2008 - Darren Aronofsky
Step Brothers - 2008 - Adam McKay
Memento - 2001 - Christopher Nolan
Robots - 2005 - Chris Wedge
High Fidelity - 2000 - Stephen Frears
The Queen - 2006 - Stephen Frears
Serenity - 2005 - Joss Whedon
The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters - 2008 - Seth Gordon
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy - 2004 - Adam McKay
In the Bedroom - 2002 - Todd Field
About a Boy - 2002 - Chris Weitz
Hedwig and The Angry Inch - 2001 - John Cameron Mitchell
Wet Hot American Summer - 2002 - David Wain
United 93 - 2006 - Paul Greengrass
Blue Car - 2003 - Karen Moncrieff
Michael Clayton - 2007 - Tony Gilroy
The Salton Sea - 2002 - D.J. Caruso
Seabiscuit - 2003 - Gary Ross
Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story - 2004 - Rawson Marshall Thurber
Blades of Glory - 2007 - Josh Gordon
The Fog of War - 2004 - Errol Morris
Dear Zachary - 2008 - Kurt Kuenne
There Will Be Blood - 2008 - Paul Thomas Anderson
Thumbsucker - 2005 - Mike Mills
Storytelling - 2001 Todd Solondz
Ghost World - 2001 - Terry Zwigoff
Shattered Glass - 2003 - Billy Ray
Layer Cake - 2004 - Matthew Vaughn
Drowning Mona - 2000 - Nick Gomez
Bloody Sunday - 2002 - Paul Greengrass
In America - 2003 - Jim Sheridan
Spellbound - 2003 - Jeffrey Blitz
The Woodsman - 2005 - Nicole Kassell
Iron Man - 2008 - Jon Favreau
Return to Me - 2000 - Bonnie Hunt
10 Items or Less - 2006 - Brad Silberling
In Bruges - 2008 - Martin McDonagh
Russian Ark - 2002 - Alexander Sokurov
Animal Factory - 2000 - Steve Buscemi
All the Real Girls - 2003 - David Gordon Green

...86 HONORABLE MENTIONS

Secretary - 2002 - Steven Shainberg
Personal Velocity: Three Portraits - 2002 - Rebecca Miller
The Safety of Objects - 2001 - Rose Troche
The Shape of Things - 2003 - Neil LaBute
Thirteen Conversations About One Thing - 2001 - Jill Sprecher
Pan's Labyrinth - 2006 - Guillermo del Toro
A Love Song For Bobby Long - 2005 - Shainee Gabel
North Country - 2005 - Niki Caro
Eastern Promises - 2007 - David Cronenberg
Waking Life - 2002 - Richard Linklater
Full Frontal - 2002 - Steven Soderbergh
The Secret Lives of Dentists - 2004 - Alan Rudolph
Lost in La Mancha - 2002 - Keith Fulton
We Don't Live Here Anymore - 2004 - John Curran
Fanboys - 2009 - Kyle Newman
Capturing the Friedmans - 2003 - Andrew Jarecki
The Darjeeling Limited - 2007 - Wes Anderson
I Heart Huckabees - 2004 - David O. Russell
Friends With Money - 2006 - Nicole Holofcener
You Can Count On Me - 2000 - Kenneth Lonergan
The History Boys - 2006 - Nicholas Hytner
Vera Drake - 2004 - Mike Leigh
Far from Heaven - 2002 - Todd Haynes
American Splendor - 2003 - Shari Springer Berman
Gone Baby Gone - 2007 - Ben Affleck
Confidence - 2003 - James Foley
SherryBaby - 2007 - Laurie Collyer
A Very Long Engagement - 2004 - Jean-Pierre Jeunet
Wonder Boys - 2000 - Curtis Hanson
Role Models - 2008 - David Wain
Possession - 2002 - Neil LaBute
Thirteen Days - 2000 - Roger Donaldson
The Shape of Things - 2003 - Neil LaBute
The Triplets of Belleville - 2003 - Sylvain Chomet
Friday Night Lights - 2004 - Peter Berg
In the Mood for Love - 2000 - Kar Wai Wong
Elephant - 2003 - Gus Van Sant
The Hours - 2003 - Stephen Daldry
Billy Elliot - 2000 - Stephen Daldry
Finding Nemo - 2003 Andrew Stanton
Frequency - 2000 - Gregory Hoblit
Thirteen - 2003 - Catherine Hardwicke
Old School - 2003 - Todd Phillips
This is England - 2007 - Shane Meadows
Stardust - 2007 - Matthew Vaughn
Cold Mountain - 2003 - Anthony Minghella
Rachel Getting Married - 2008 - Jonathan Demme
No Country for Old Men - 2007 - Ethan & Joel Coen
Y Tu Mamá También - 2001 - Alfonso Cuarón
Best in Show - 2001 - Christopher Guest
Monster - 2004 - Patty Jenkins
Punch-Drunk Love - 2002 - Paul Thomas Anderson
Requiem for a Dream - 2000 - Darren Aronofsky
Shaun of the Dead - 2004 - Edgar Wright
City of God - 2003 - Fernando Meirelles
Roger Dodger - 2003 - Dylan Kidd
Frost/Nixon - 2008 - Ron Howard
A History of Violence - 2005 - David Cronenberg
Wall-E - 2008 - Andrew Stanton
Meet The Parents - 2000 - Jay Roach
Chicago - 2003 - Rob Marshall
Kill Bill Vol. 1 - 2003 - Quentin Tarantino
Casino Royale - 2006 - Martin Campbell
Amores Perros - 2000 - Alejandro González Iñárritu
Gran Torino - 2009 - Clint Eastwood
8 Mile - 2002 - Curtis Hanson
About Schmidt - 2002 - Alexander Payne
Infernal Affairs - 2002 - Wai-keung Lau
Children of Men - 2007 - Alfonso Cuarón
Palindromes - 2005 - Todd Solondz
Talk to Her - 2002 - Pedro Almodóvar
The Aviator - 2004 - Martin Scorsese
Kill Bill Vol. 2 - 2004 - Quentin Tarantino
Batman Begins - 2005 - Christopher Nolan
Star Trek - 2009 - J.J. Abrams
The Squid and the Whale - 2006 - Noah Baumbach
Finding Neverland - 2004 - Marc Forster
Moulin Rouge - 2001 - Baz Luhrmann
The Royal Tenenbaums - 2001 - Wes Anderson
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button - 2008 - David Fincher
Million Dollar Baby - 2005 - Clint Eastwood
Cast Away - 2000 - Robert Zemeckis
Oldboy - 2003 - Chan-wook Park
Garden State - 2004 - Zach Braff
Zodiac - 2007 - David Fincher
Monsters, Inc. - 2001 - Pete Docter

AND MOVIES THAT WERE OVERRATED, DISAPPOINTING or JUST PLAIN TERRIBLE:

Overrated

Wanted
Scary Movie
Superbad
Almost Famous
Slumdog Millionaire
Ray
Walk the Line
Gladiator
The Passion of the Christ

Disappointing

Spider-Man (all three, but mostly "Spider-Man 2")
Taken
X-Men 3: The Last Stand
Meet the Fockers (also see under: Terrible)
Superman Returns
Ocean's Twelve
Babel
Fever Pitch
Unbreakable
Insomnia
The Ladykillers
Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist

Terrible

Gerry
The Wedding Date
American Dreamz
Meet the Fockers
1408
Cellular
Changing Lanes
America's Sweethearts

Jim Caldwell is a Gutless Coward

2009-12-28T21:35:00.006-05:00

The only acceptable reasons that it would be okay for the Colts to tank yesterday's game against the Jets, bringing their record to 14-1 for the year.

They were trying to keep Denver or Pittsburgh out of the playoffs by giving the Jets an advantage. (The Jets now control their own playoff destiny.)
The Colts felt like the Jets were poised to beat them anyway, and they didn't want to tarnish their air of invincibility. (Unlikely, but possible.)
They wanted to honor Belichick's legacy.
Better draft pick position.
They think "Killer Instinct" is a Sharon Stone movie.
Mercury Morris is holding Reggie Wayne's mother hostage.
They knew they had no chance against Buffalo next Sunday anyway, so why prolong the inevitable?
So many teams go 19-0, it's not even a big deal anymore.
Fell for the Jets' old "you pull your starters, we'll pull ours" trick.
Painter is actually a better QB than Peyton and gives them their best chance to win.
Jim Caldwell inherited the great team that Tony Dungy left for him and actually has no clue how to coach a football team or how 19-0 puts you on the short list for greatest team of all time.

Whatever the reason, I will be rooting against the Colts and shooing away their bad karma for the entire postseason. (Unless they are playing Pittsburgh, Dallas or New England, of course.)

[Update: Man am I tired of being right. WHO DEY!]

Best of the 2000s: Twenty-Five Best Albums

2009-11-17T22:32:00.022-05:00

Sure, we have about six weeks left, but I have decided that I am going to post my top 25 Albums of the Decade.

This decade really changed my music listening habits, and not just because of the invention of the iPod (although that had an incredible effect too). The fact that so much music was available online for download and for listening meant that I didn't have to rummage through some indie record store where some asshole with bad hair looked down on me because I wasn't buying the new "hip" album. I didn't have to take as my chances on my purchases, because for the most part, you could listen to part of every song on any album you wanted to. And if I heard something online or saw some great new artist on Conan, I didn't have to wait till the next day to pick up the album. I know this all sounds rudimentary, but the sheer availability of music made me so much more knowledgeable and made this decade a lot richer for me.

Also, the fact that there are SO MANY SOURCES online which to read about music has pointed me in some really great directions. Pandora, Last.fm, Stereogum, Pitchfork, AllMusic.com, RateYourMusic.com... These have all been great resources for me to find stuff I never would have heard of or known of otherwise.

The last is satellite radio. There is no better way to serendipitously come across great new bands than on Satellite. Go to one of the niche stations and just listen for a few hours, and you will find yourself hearing things you would never hear on regular, terrestrial radio. I really hope that the fledgling format finds an audience because it is now an indispensible part of my life.

I don't think the 2000s (are we calling them "the Aughts" now?) have been THE best decade of music, but they have been one of the most diverse. And although I think pop music hit its nadir some time around 2005, hard-to-find music has flourished and become richer than ever. So here we go ... the soundtrack to my life for the last ten years.

I had considered breaking them up into pop/rock music and hip hop music, but let's face it: the decade has been sort of thin on both, and so I just picked my tops from both and I'm putting them together. Still, I stand by this list as being 100% great. I also considered ranking them but then I just got too lazy.

I will start by saying that my top three albums from 2000-2009 are, in alphabetical order by artist:

Iron & Wine - The Creek Drank the Cradle
Shearwater - Palo Santo (Expanded Edition)
The Shins - Chutes Too Narrow

Don't ask me to pick my favorite because my mom always said that she couldn't pick her favorite kid, even though she's lying it's clearly me.

I will also give you 40 or so very excellent albums worthy of honorable mention:

AESOP ROCK - Labor Days (2002), Bazooka Tooth (2004), None Shall Pass (2007) - Indie hip hop
ARIZONA - Welcome Back Dear Children (2006), Fameseeker and the Mono (2007) - Indie pop
BABBLETRON - Mechanical Royalty (2003) - Indie hip hop
BLACKALICIOUS - Blazing Arrow (2002) - Indie hip hop
BLACK MILK - Tronic (2008) - Hip hop
BLITZEN TRAPPER - Furr - (2008) - Indie rock
BLOCKHEAD - Downtown Science - (2005) - Hip hop instrumentals
BLUEPRINT - 1988 - (2005) - Indie hip hop
BROTHER ALI - The Undisputed Truth - (2007) - Indie hip hop
CANDY BUTCHERS - Making Up Time - (2006) - Piano pop
CARIBOU - The Milk of Human Kindness - (2005) Electro-pop
ROB CROW - Living Well - (2007) - Indie rock / math rock
CUT CHEMIST - The Audience's Listening - (2006) - Hip hop instrumentals
DANGER MOUSE - The Grey Album - (2004) - Hip hop
EDAN - Beauty and the Beat - (2005) - Underground hip hop
EL-P - I'll Sleep When You're Dead - (2007) - Indie hip hop
EMILY HAINES - Knives Don't Have Your Back - (2006) - Chamber/piano rock
FEIST - Let It Die - (2004) - Indie pop
THE FLAMING LIPS - Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots - (2002) - Experimental rock
DJ FORMAT - If you Can't Join 'Em ... Beat 'Em - (2005) - Indie hip hop / nerdcore
GHOSTFACE KILLAH - More Fish - (2007) - East Coast hip hop
ILLOGIC - Celestial Clockwork - (2004) - Underground hip hop
JOY ZIPPER - American Whip - (2004) - Dreampop / Indie pop
MF DOOM - MM..Food - (2004) - Indie hip hop
MGMT - Oracular Spectacular - (2008) - Indie/electro pop
MIDLAKE - The Trials of Van Occupanther - (2006) - Lo-fi / indie rock
MOTHER MOTHER - Touch Up - (2007) - Indie pop, experimental folk
PINBACK - Tour EP 2008 [Ascii E.P.] - (2008) - Indie/math rock
RADIOHEAD - Amnesiac - (2001) - Progressive rock
DJ RHETTMATIC - Exclusive Collection - (2004) - Underground hip hop
SOUL POSITION - Things Go Better with RJ and Al - (2006) - Indie hip hop
SPOON - Gimme Fiction - (2005) - Indie rock
SUN KIL MOON - April - (2008) - Indie folk
SUPER FURRY ANIMALS - Rings Around the World - (2001) - Neo-psychedelia
SWITCHES - Lay Down the Law - (2008) - Indie pop / retro pop
WOLFMOTHER - Wolfmother - (2006) - Hard rock
ZERO 7 - Simple Things (2001), When It Falls (2004) - Ambient techno

Now here is the full list of 25 (plus one EP), in alphabetical order by artist (click on the album cover for more information):

AESOP ROCK - Float

Independent Hip Hop, 2000

ARIZONA - Glowing Bird

Indie Rock, 2009

BECK - Sea Change

Folk pop, 2002

BON IVER - For Emma, Forever Ago

Indie folk, 2008

CANNIBAL OX - The Cold Vein

Underground hip hop, 2001

NIKKA COSTA - Everybody Got Their Something

Electro/dance pop, 2001

DM STITH - Heavy Ghost

Experimental rock, 2009

BEN FOLDS - Songs for Silverman

Piano pop, 2005

SAGE FRANCIS - Sick of Waiting Tables (Compilation)

Independent hip hop, "emo rap," 2004

GRIZZLY BEAR - Veckatimest

Art-rock, indie rock, 2009

IRON & WINE - The Creek Drank the Cradle

Lo-fi alternative folk, 2002

MADVILLAIN - Madvillainy

Underground hip hop, 2004

STEPHEN MALKMUS & THE JICKS - Pig Lib

Grungy indie rock, 2003

OH NO - Exodus Into Unheard Rhythms

Underground hip-hop, 2006

NERINA PALLOT - Fires

Adult contemporary pop, 2005

RJD2 - Deadringer

Independent hip hop instrumentals, 2002

ROGUE WAVE - Out of the Shadow

Indie rock, garage pop, 2004

THE ROSEWOOD THEIVES - From the Decker House EP

Indie rock, folk-pop, 2006

SHEARWATER - Palo Santo (Expanded Edition)

Chamber pop / power folk, 2006

SHEARWATER - Rook

Indie rock / power folk, 2008

THE SHINS - Chutes Too Narrow

Indie pop, 2003

SUFJAN STEVENS - Illinois

Indie pop / progressive folk, 2005

TOBACCO - Fucked Up Friends

Techno hip-hop electronica, 2008

WEEN - Quebec

Ironic art-pop, 2003

WILCO - Yankee Hotel Foxtrot

Alt-country/rock, 2002

If you want, you can also read about my Best Post-Golden Age Hip Hop albums.

So that's been my decade. If you are interested in sampling any of these artists, I would suggest signing up at Last.fm, because it's the most accessible, it can track the songs you listen to on your iPod automatically, and to my knowledge there is no limit on the number of listens you can have. You can pretty much type in the name of an artist (or any artist you like) and listen to a whole truckload of songs. And let me know if you agree, or if any of my choices stink.

The Perils of Avid Living

2009-11-03T22:32:00.005-05:00

Caring about things sucks. You might think that is a terrible thing to say, but it's true.

I heard a very interesting conversation the other day, where some people were talking about the fickle nature of sports fans. It seems that sports fandom is a nice microcosm of what I'm talking about.

Let's take my Bills. They are not good right now, nor have the really been that good this decade. (One winning season in the 2000s: 9-7 in 2004.) I am what you call a "diehard." I almost never miss a game on TV, and I will be loyal to that team until the day I do, or the day they leave Western New York, whichever comes first.

But there are other fans that we'll call "casual." They like the team during a week that they have just won, but in the losing weeks, these people are nowhere to be found. They even talk of being SO FRUSTRATED that they switch allegiances. Sometimes in the middle of the season! They will usually latch on to another team they sorta like (or just don't despise) since they have a better chance to win. We call these people "poseurs," "frontrunners" and "bandwagon-jumpers."

But I ask you this: who has the more pleasant life? The poor sap who is loyal year after year, only to have his heart broken? Or the faux-aficianado who can turn the game off at halftime and go to the movies? (Hint: not me.)

You can see this kind of dynamic rear its head in other walks of life too, such as politics. People who are politically aware and/or active have to be the most miserable collection of assholes in the world. (And yes, I do count myself among them.) Why? Because they are constantly putting up a fight. Politics today is not about solving problems, it's about skewering the other side and being "right." Both sides are guilty of it, and so am I.

People who don't give a crap about politics don't have this added frustration in their lives. If you don't care one way or the other about politics, then these Tea Party assholes probably don't bother you at all. And the quote-unquote Reverend Al Sharpton's race-baiting doesn't have any more effect on your psyche than your fantasy football league standings.

And such is the ironic curse of the engaged, passionate life. If you don't care about anything, it seems that you live a much more stress-free life, not unlike the post-hypnosis Peter Gibbons in Office Space. You can feel free to meander from interest to interest, not really caring if one doesn't meet your needs. You don't get mad when your favorite director makes a piece of shit movie, or that your favorite band sold out. If your team loses you find something else to do for the next game, or if your politician doesn't win, you go to the mall. Rather than trying a local microbrew, you pick up a 30-pack of Rolling Rock.

I'm definitely not crapping on these people: they seem to be doing it the right way. It is an internal defense mechanism that keeps them from getting upset about things that really don't matter. They are the people who say "I don't care" when a discussion gets too heated, or "Whatever" when they get called out for being incorrect. It is this kind of life that I wish I could lead.

But I can't.

In fact, if anything, my own stubborn nature has created a life for me that is fraught with unhappiness, frustration and incredulity. Many people can see a comment on a message board and let it go: I am not one of those people. Some people can overhear a discussion in which one of the speakers makes a major factual error: I must be heard! When thirteen year old girls say that Twilight is by far the best movie ever made, I feel the need to rattle off twenty superior films.

I just can't let people have their own misguided opinions or incorrect facts. In my own brain, I'm actually trying to educate them. I want people to be freed from the shackles of their limited experiences. I want people to transcend their reluctance to explore things outside their knowledge base. But rather than coming off as a sage source of grand experiences, I come off as a pedantic prick.

I remember this starting in about 1998, when the movie Titanic was a colossal mega-hit, still making tons of money from its release in late 1997. The movie was so big that it was sure to win the Oscar (which it did that year), and was very popular with the teenage girl set. [Twilight:2009::Titanic:1998]

I remember being on the internet and reading people gushing about Titanic being the greatest movie ever. At the time, I was a burgeoning film scholar, and was DISGUSTED that anyone would have the AUDACITY to stay that this very long, very overrated film would even crack the top 50 American films! In fact, that same year the American Film Institute came up with its 100 best films, and they had to create a press release saying that Titanic would not be on the list because it wasn't eligible due to the year it was released. (The implication being that Titanic would otherwise, of course, be #1 on the list.) I allowed this injustice of such an overrated film to consume me that summer, and I would tell anyone that would listen that L.A. Confidential was ten times the film that Titanic was, and that Titanic was a poorly-written fairy tale created for simpletons by a megalomanical director. (By the way, these assertions are still all true.)

But I realized that if people really wanted to love that Leo-Kate boat movie, let 'em. Why should I care if they want to settle for lesser entertainment instead of getting out there and digging for true art? Yes, it irks me when shitty or mediocre things get attention without having earned it. (Tony Romo. Paris Hilton. Tiki Barber. 50 Cent. Slumdog Millionaire. Glenn Beck.) But I really shouldn't care. It's not going to stop good things from being made, and not going to stop me from finding them.)

I am now self-aware of this predicament, and have been making efforts to allow myself to step back, take a deep breath, and stop giving a shit. This is outside my nature, as I care too much about everything. But I'm slowly learning that not everyone in the world has the "curiosity gene," as they say. And trying to get everyone to try new things and experience a passionate position is not my job. I can't make anyone like craft beer anymore than someone is going to coerce me into watching "Nip/Tuck." It doesn't make them bad people, it just is foreign to me that people wouldn't want to expose themselves to the best things in life.

All I can do is continue to enjoy the things that I enjoy, and silently look down upon others because they do not.

Fuzz Defector

2009-10-28T16:13:00.000-04:00

[Note: I had originally written this back on Tuesday, April 28, almost six months ago, and it acted as a valuable venting mechanism. But since I had a court date, I didn't want to inadvertantly put anything out there that could incriminate me. They have the Google now! Anyway, here is the story of the most trying two day stretch of 2009.]

So I got into a little issue with the New York State DMV this weekend. Apparently -- to steal a line from Willie Moe -- they expect you to pay for car insurance every month! Long story short, they took away my personalized plates (fine they weren't personalized, but they had the word "ARM" in them), as well as my car for safe-keeping.

When you used to having as-needed transportation, taking the bus throughout the Syracuse City limits is sobering and humbling. Having to be on someone else's schedule is something I am just not used to, and having to walk from bus stop to bus stop is brutal sometimes. I got lucky that it was in the spring and not the dead of winter. [Sidebar: why would the DMV north of the city have not one bus go anywhere near it?]

But basically my journey was like this:

Monday:

Taking bus from home to downtown; walking half mile to Erie Blvd DMV.
Being told by guy sweeping up outside building that DMV had moved to Western Lights Plaza.
Getting on bus I thought was going to Western Lights Plaza. Getting back on bus returning downtown.
Getting on correct bus to Western Lights; going to DMV.
Being told I had to come back the next day, because you cannot surrender your plates and get new ones on the same day (even though they were technically surrendered on Sunday).
Swearing at DMV.
Helping old lady with her bags to get on bus; considering myself a hero.
Going back downtown; getting off bus to run at top speed to catch next bus going near my work.
Panting all the way to work; applying swath of deodorant.

But it didn't end there.

Tuesday:

Taking bus downtown.
Waiting 50 minutes for next bus next to smell of garbage.
Taking bus north; getting off at wrong stop, 3 miles from where I needed to go.
Walking one mile in the blazing heat before saying "fuggit" and calling a cab.
Taking cab driving by sweaty mouthbreather to DMV. ($15)
Getting new plates and registration.
Taking another cab driven by friendly Jesus freak to police station to get release order for my car. ($20)
Finding out from ornery police department pencil-pusher that I needed to have a copy of the title, or else he wasn't going to give the release.
Taking cab back to the DMV to get this title for $20 and a green receipt. ($20)
Taking cab BAAAACK to the police station with the info I needed and getting my release. ($20)
Taking final cab ride ... in the WRONG FUCKING DIRECTION because the cop at the desk gave me the wrong address. (The tow truck driver would later tell me he thinks that this cop purposely fucks with people.)
Finally getting my final cab ride ($40) to a gas station where the tow truck driver picked me up to bring me back to my Cranberry-colored baby.

But here's the kicker -- and the irony, especially considering that my dear little brother is a member of law enforcement.

Out of all the people I dealt with on my 44-hour journey through the belly of the beast, almost all the people I dealt with were pleasant and helpful.

The tow truck driver, my main cab driver, the DMV folks, most bus drivers (although one of them was a fucking miserable asshole) and even the girl behind the bullet-proof glass at the Centro station (!) were all great, even if their circumstances limited how much they could help me.

Who were the two people that I dealt with who were full-fledged, grade-A bastards? You guessed it: the cops. The one that pulled me over, who said "You can sit in the back seat of my back car, I'm not going to cuff you." As if he had any reason to cuff me!

And the lifer behind the desk who sent me on a $40 wild goose chase when I could have just as easily called the tow truck driver first. (Apparently the tow truck would have come to the station to pick me up.)

My brother always tells me -- and I totally understand why -- that he gets annoyed when people talk back to him and say things like "I pay your salary!" That has to be irritating.

However, when police are paid to protect us, and they end up being condescending stewards for the DMV -- all the while ignorning real, heinous crimes -- it actually diminishes the great work that police do on a daily basis. People want to like police to protect them from actual criminals ... but when police go after the GOOD people (like me, you and all of the mostly law-abiding people we know), it makes them look like they just have chips on their shoulders and nothing more. The reason that people hate cops is not because they want to break the law unscathed; it's because they aren't doing anything wrong (at least morally), and are still getting hassled.

Anyway, my girl is back and it's great to be back inside her. Wait, that didn't come out right.

Keep Pluckin'...

2009-09-18T23:10:00.002-04:00

To me the best part of this video is the female anchor's face after this guy tries to say "pluckin' that chicken."

Politics for Dummies

2009-09-16T00:34:00.003-04:00

If you want to know why Americans are ridiculed around the world, look no further.

Chris Collinsperv

2009-09-12T12:35:00.001-04:00

Ladies and gents, your new Sunday Night Football analyst...

Al Franken Remaps America!

2009-09-09T22:21:00.001-04:00

And somewhere Tom Delay is green with envy...

Glourious

2009-09-06T20:54:00.008-04:00

My feelings about Quentin Tarantino go like this:

I love Pulp Fiction. I hated Jackie Brown. Reservoir Dogs is completely overrated, although well-crafted and very watchable. The Kill Bills were both very good. I didn't bother seeing his self-indulgent "Grindhouse" films.

The world of cinema simultaneously owes an enormous debt to Tarantino (the non-linear narratives, the importance of dialogue, the combination of violence and humor) and idolizes him far too much (the reliance on non-linear narrative, his reliance on his dialogue, his reliance on violence and humor). He is one of the great cinematic talents of this generation, but he's also one of the most derivative and sometimes becomes way too enthralled with his own sensibility.

Having said that, I saw Inglourious Bastards today, and this is the kind of movie that I have a feeling will stick with me for a while.

(SPOILERS AHEAD: SEE THE MOVIE FIRST)

There are so many things to love about it, and yet so many things I would change. Basically the plot is that two separate factions are on unknowingly on a collision course to try and topple the Third Reich in Nazi-occupied France. One is a young woman whose family was killed by the Nazis, another is a gang of "Basterds" who have taken it upon themselves to kill -- and scalp -- every Nazi they can find.

The film begins with "Once Upon a Time..." which gives the hint that this is not necessarily going to be historically accurate. In fact, part of the film's effectiveness is that it's not bound to any kind of historical fact. Every other Nazi film ever made by anyone other than Mel Brooks or Charlie Chaplin is hamstrung because you know how it all ends. (See: Valkyrie.) But Quentin casts aside all such shackles, and creates an alternate universe European Theater (no pun intended), where the unpredictability lies in the unknown. This isn't just a small story set in the backdrop of WWII, this is a WWII fantasia at whose heart is the entire outcome of the war itself.

There were a couple things I didn't love. (Here come them pesky SPOILERS I told you about.) First, does Quentin have to make heavy-handed references to other movies in every single film he makes? Usually it takes place in the dialogue, but in Basterds, the heroine owns a movie theater, which is also where the climax occurs. A main character is a (fictional) superstar German actress. There are references to then-popular culture throughout the film. I'm not saying it doesn't all work, because some of it does. But the fact that cinema has to play such a role in such a real-life time period says something about Quentin's possible lack of perspective here.

Secondly, Quentin needs an editor. I don't mean necessarily that the movie is too long, because if a movie is good (or near-great, as this one is) it can be as long as you want it to be. What I mean is that within his scenes of dialogue, Quentin doesn't have anyone who can stand up to him and tell him how to chop up the scenes. As dynamic and kinetic as his action scenes are, his scenes of dialogue are equally stodgy and overly verbose. (This is the plague that killed Jackie Brown.)

Quentin is so enamored with his own words that he doesn't know when to cut out a few words here or there, or let the subtext shine through. He could use a good David Mamet rewrite to get rid of a lot of the extraneous words. Some of the dialogue could be just as easily conveyed with a glance or a cut away to an object, or something non-verbal. When Quentin figures this out, he will make the greatest film of all time.

Those two qualms out of the way, this is a brilliant film. Absolutely brilliant. It's brutally violent, and it is tense throughout, notably in two scenes.

The first is a scene in an underground bar, where a game of Hitchcockian intrigue plays out, that ends in what has to be the loudest gun-battle I've ever seen. This scene is played to perfection throughout by all the characters, and it is so tense that when it's over it's like being jarred out of a trance. It's a brilliant scene and worthy of the greatest suspense films.

But then there is the coup de grace: the climax in the movie theater. And not for the reason you might think.

Yes, the heist-like scenes of hidden identities and moving explosives from one place to another are all very tense and effective. But they are nothing compared to the final reel ... and if you see the film, you'll know I mean that literally.

The climax can only be described as a holocaust revenge fantasy. It is one of the most powerful climaxes I've ever seen in any film. I don't mean to oversell it, but it affected me on a pretty deep emotional level. It is a catharsis, of every ounce of hatred that the Nazis elicit. It gives the Nazis the brutal, heartless, merciless ending they deserve.

The one image that I can't get out of my head is the look on Eli Roth's face as he haphazardly shoots his automatic rifle into a crowd of people. A theater burning around him, his eyes show the most intense evil you could ever see on a so-called protagonist. The Nazis are relegated to their own burning place, their own holocaust. Where they showed no mercy to others, none was shown to them. And the image of Hitler's body lying motionless, while his face is rent apart by machine gun fire, is haunting, and satisfying. It's a bloodlust that has been festering for six decades, and Quentin somehow finds a way to fuse his own violent sensibilities with the subconscious hatred we all feel. It might be the most satisfying climax I've ever witnessed on film.

The flipside to that is that Tarantino, to some degree, is also fucking with your head. The film that the Nazis are enjoying in the theater before the climax is one in which a Nazi "hero" snipes countless American/Allied soldiers from a clock-tower. The Nazis nod their heads and sometimes weep with glowing approval, and we are sickened by them. Yet when the tables are turned, and we watch those that WE hate get mowed down, it brings up feelings in me that I can only describe as euphoric. By turning the tables, it forces us to acknowledge our own base, vengeful desires.

It's not perfect, but it's great. I can see why it got an eight-minute standing ovation at Cannes, and people clapped at the theater in which I saw it too. It works on a much more subliminal level than any movie in recent memory, and it sets out to offer some sort of emotional closure. (Nothing ever could, of course, but it gives an idea of what that might feel like for a moment.)

It's a long movie, but a good one. And I think an important one.

I will leave you with Tarantino's all-too-true dissection of Top Gun.

You're Simply the Best!

2009-08-31T21:12:00.000-04:00

Thruway Driving and You

2009-08-30T21:35:00.006-04:00

I consider myself an excellent driver. Others don't, but I do. If there is one skill I have, it's driving on the New York State Thruway. I-90 is my turf, either east- or westbound, and I make the rules. If you don't want to follow them, you need to take back roads. Period.

My greatest gift in Thruway driving is "clearing the lane," as the Bohall calls it. It consists of unclogging the logjam in the left lane, like a quadruple bypass through an atery. I do this by tailgating and aggressive/copious use of turn signals (the tailgating + "hey, move it asshole" signal is a favorite). If you are in front of me, you are moving too slowly. I have shit to do, you are in my way.

There are a few simple rules of Thruway driving, and today, most people didn't care to follow any of them. So for those that forgot them, here they are:

When in the left/passing lane, drive faster than the car to your right, or I will tailgate you. This is the simplest and most important rule in the book; if you can't follow it, you should not be operating a motor vehicle.
Don't pull in front of me and then slow down, for I will stalk you and kill you. You can wait to do whatever it is you have to do; I can't.
If there is no one in front of you, you need to drive faster, or I will eat your children. The Thruway is utilitarian; it is not meant for sight-seeing. If you want sight-seeing, get off at the next fucking exit and take the one-lane roads, dick.
If you are to the left of me, hovering, and I put my left signal on, pass me, or I will throw a molotov cocktail through your window. It's a hint that you are driving like an asshole; take this nugget and learn from it.
You should be driving at least 80 miles per hour any time you are in the left hand lane. The one exception is when you are coming up upon one of those "Don't U-Turn" signs, since that's where cops live. At this point, you may slow down to 75. If you don't do this, I will sideswipe you into the median.
Get off your fucking phone if it causes you to drive 60 mph on the Thruway. I have places to be and I don't want to have to wait for your fucking ass.
If you are in the left/passing lane, and multiple people are passing you on the right, take the hint and get the hell over. It's the driver's version of calling you incompetent at your task.
Do not, under any goddamn circumstances, let an 18-wheeler pull in front of you in the passing lane. Pass it, and let it wait until there is NO ONE behind it. Eighteen-wheelers are the anti-Christ; if you help them, you are part of the problem.
If you are in front of me, and I am up on your ass, and you hit your brakes to try and scare me, you might as well pick up that cell phone to call your relatives and say good-bye, because you have just signed your own death warrant.

No one enjoys driving on the Thruway, but it is a straight line, so we all have to deal with it. If you can't handle it, stick to the bunny slope, newb. If I see you out there and you can't follow all of the rules, you'll know I'm there soon enough.

A Slight Resemblance?

2009-08-16T23:56:00.003-04:00

Trent Edwards

Peter Dinklage

The Young Cons

2009-08-10T17:36:00.001-04:00

Joke or no? I swear I can't tell.

This one on the other hand....

Decisions, Decisions

2009-08-07T23:52:00.002-04:00

Courtesy of Crappy Graphs...

TV Lesbian Breaks It Down Re: Town Hall Protests

2009-08-07T17:37:00.003-04:00

Please take 10 minutes of your time to watch this information about these so-called "spontaneous" town-hall meeting shouting matches. It is all fabricated, contrived rage, foisted upon us by large right-wing corporations.

It's goes along with the birthers, the Swift-Boat Vets and others who live by the mantra, "If you tell a lie enough times, it becomes the truth." It is the continued shame of the once-spartan Republican party. I'm sure that John McCain had no idea that by picking Sarah Palin, he would unearth this unsanitary subterranean nation of hillbillies and mongoloids. These people need to be shut the fuck down so they will shut the fuck up.

This is important.

Fine, You Caught Me

2009-08-06T19:45:00.001-04:00

Someone unearthed my Kenyan birth certificate. Damn you, Lou Dobbs!

Give Up On Your Life

2009-08-01T13:57:00.005-04:00

If ever you questioned just how out of touch and myopic conservatives are, please read this article by Jonah Goldberg at Townhall.com, as well as the subsequent comments by its mongoloid subscribers.

The basic idea of the article is that LIBERALS are so worried about global warming and the environment and hugging trees and such, that it never occurs to them that the earth could get pounded by a meteor in 2019! (If he had done a lick of research, he'd know that the asteroid is actually coming as early as 2037.)

In other words, why bother worrying about the environment when at any second -- KABOOM! -- it could all be gone anyway?! There is no need for clean air, potable water, an intact ozone layer, or any of the items that LIBERALS think you need. It's that Negro Messiah NOBAMA who is tricking you into thinking that the world's ecology is deteriorating, and most LIBERALS in Socialist AmeriKa believe it!

As one commenter said, "What happens when the idiots behind the fake Global Warming give us an ice age instead? That's what their models predicted back in the 1970s... Small input changes to the models give wildly divergent results." This knuckle-dragger apparently doesn't realize that global warming isn't just about the planet heating up, but a destabilization in the climate as a whole -- including pressure systems changing that could cause more unstable weather patterns, like hurricanes, for example.

Others note that Chicago and NYC have recorded their coldest June and July, respectively, on record. That means global warming is a crock, right?!?!?!

I think we should all follow the logic of this article, that we don't have control over meteors, so why worry about it? We should all stop going to school and to work, and people should stop writing books and making music. Why don't we just prepare for the coming of the meteor and turn in our badges now?

Every day, conservatives move further from Barry Goldwater, William F. Buckley and even their supposed hero Ronald Reagan, and move toward Glenn Beck, Limbaugh and Fred Phelps. It is fine for conservatives to have a set of ideals, but when they ignore empirical fact (such as John Kerry's Swiftboat activities, Obama's birth, or the scientific fact of global environmental decay), they look like a bunch of idiots.

Tiffani Thiessen is Busy

2009-07-29T22:39:00.001-04:00

Kelly Kapowski gettin' it DONE

Tiffani Thiessen is Busy from Tiffani Thiessen

Rap is Back!

2009-07-23T22:55:00.003-04:00

In case you honkeys didn't know, my hip hop blog is back in effect. I'll be updating it more frequently, so go give it a look and get yourself some nostalgia.

I know rap, my man.

Flipping His Lid

2009-07-23T21:01:00.003-04:00

So this is what happens when you get raped in prison.

I'll let my nigga J-Stew handle this.

The Daily Show With Jon Stewart

Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c

The Born Identity

www.thedailyshow.com

Daily Show
Full Episodes

Political Humor

Joke of the Day

Oh and would someone please do the world a favor and put a gun to the base of this woman's skull and pull the fucking trigger?

That's what happens when you let women get involved in politics.

UPDATE!!!!!!!!

Even Ann-Fucking-Coulter thinks these people are "cranks"!

And This Guy Used to Trounce Letterman?

2009-07-23T18:48:00.002-04:00

Do you think anyone will ever have the balls to tell Jay Leno he's the corniest comic working today?

Well at least his employees are laughing.

The Voice

2009-07-20T21:25:00.001-04:00

The Voice - watch more funny videos

Jive Talk

2009-07-18T23:14:00.005-04:00

Here is how the Closed Captioning transcribes the "jive talk scene" from the movie Airplane!. (Subtitles in parentheses.)

PART ONE

Jive Man #1: Sheeet, man, that honky mus' be messin' my old lady -- got to be runnin' col upside his head! You know?
(Golly that white fellow should stay away from my wife or I will punch him.)

Jive Man #2: Hey home, I can dig it. You know he ain't gonna be lay no mo' big rap up on you man!
(Yes he is wrong for doing that.)

Jive Man #1: I say, hey, sky. S'other say I won' say? Pray to J., I get the same ol' same ol'.
(I knew a man in a similar predicament and he ended up being sorry.)

Jive Man #2: Knock yourself a pro, slick. Gray matter back got perform' us down, I take T.C.B.in', man.
(Don't be so naive, Arthur. Each of us faces a clear moral choice.)

Jive Man #1: Hey, you know wha' they say: See a broad to get that booty ack...
(Early to bed early to rise...)

Both: ...Lay 'er down an' smack'em yack 'em!
(...makes a mean healthy, wealthy and wise!)

Jive Man #1: Col' got to be! You know? Sheeeeit....
(How true! Golly!)

PART TWO

Elaine: Would you gentlemen care to order your dinners?

Jive Man #1: Bet babe, slide a piece o' da porter, drink side run the java.
(I would like the steak please.)

Jive Man #2: Lookie Here, I can dig grease and chompin' on some butter, then drag it through the garden.
(I'll have the fish.)

PART THREE (with BARBARA BILLINGSLEY)

Stewardess: Can I get you something?

Jive Man #2: S'mo-fo butter layin' to the bone, jackin' me up. Tight me.

Stewardess: I'm sorry, I don't understand.

Jive Man #1: Cutty say he can't hang.

June Cleaver: Oh stewardess, I speak jive. He said that he's in great pain and he wants to know if you can help him.

Stewardess: All right would you tell him to just relax and I'll be back as soon as I can with some medicine.

June Cleaver [to Jive Man #2]: Jus' hang loose, blood. She gonna catch up on ta' rebound on de med side.

Jive Man #2: What it is, Big Momma, my mama ain't raised no dummies -- I dug her rap

June Cleaver: Cut me some slack, Jack!

[All speak jive]

June Cleaver: Chump don' wan' no help, chump don' get da help. Jive-ass dude ain't go to brains any-how!

Quiet You

2009-07-12T13:21:00.006-04:00

Two people who need to shut the fuck up this week:

OSAMA BIN LADEN

Osama Osama Osama.... baby, you are looking desperate. This is the 32nd tape you've put out since 9/11. That's about four per year. People still hate you because you are a big-lipped, shit-spewing asshole. But your act is tired. Is there anybody in the world who ISN'T Satan? You went from looking like this bizarro Malcolm X type guy to some panhandler standing at a corner raving about how the stop signs are the antichrist. Your need for attention is approaching Roger Clemens/Pete Dougherty-like proportions. (Although I'm still not convinced that you are more of an asshole than Clemens is. Might be a dead-heat.) You are a very sad man ... although not as sad as you will be when they finally find you. Ouch, that's gonna be a rough one!

WILLIAM KRISTOL of the Weekly Standard

He said this week: “Only six months into the new administration, even a talented hot air blower like President Obama, assisted by friendly gusts of wind from the media, is having trouble keeping the liberal blimp afloat.”

Sweetheart, when you have been wrong about EVERYTHING THAT YOU HAVE SAID in the last eight years, you lose your seat at the table to gloat. First of all, let's explain why the media is usually more liberal: it's because throughout history, the political regimes that have been the most unkind to the media (locking them up, torturing them, etc.) have been extreme right-wing governments, such as Soviet Russia, East Germany, North Korea, etc. That is why most "Hollywood types" tend to be liberal too: because it's the conservatives who are mostly in favor of censorship. (The "Reverend" Al Sharpton and his hair-trigger minions excepted.)

He said notably, "There's been a certain amount of pop sociology in America ... that the Shia can't get along with the Sunni and the Shia in Iraq just want to establish some kind of Islamic fundamentalist regime. There's almost no evidence of that at all. Iraq's always been very secular." (2003, source)

Eric Alterman notes the following prescient predictions by Kristol:

In the opening moments of the Monica Lewinsky scandal, Kristol insisted, "We are now in the final days." He intoned, "If the President lied to the American People...he's finished."
When the Starr report was issued, causing almost universal revulsion among Americans, Kristol wrote a cover editorial for his magazine that headlined the report Starr's Home Run, portraying its author as Mark McGwire and calling for Clinton's immediate impeachment.

Not to mention sloppy misquotes, out-of-left-field comments and an epic 2003 C-Span interview that you might think was conducted by The Onion or Phil Hendrie.

Billy Boy, you really are George Costanza: a guy who would be right all the time if he just did the opposite of what his instincts tell him. Since you are wrong about just about everything that you say, you just need to shut the fuck up for a little while. Thanks bud.

Aries Spears - Also a Good Impressionist

2009-07-11T22:52:00.001-04:00

Okay I know this is old but it's still awesome...

Jay Mohr is Goddamn Hilarious

2009-07-08T18:58:00.001-04:00

I never knew that Jay Mohr was the greatest impressionist of our generation.

The Battle Within

2009-07-06T22:43:00.003-04:00

So I saw Transformers 2 last week. It wasn't a great movie ... in fact, it wasn't even a good movie. But I have to admit that I felt some genuine, palpable moments of excitement. And I attribute 100% of those feelings to my pre-existing love for all things Transformers.

We all know that Michael Bay is not just a shitty director, but he may be THE SHITTIEST director in all the land. Sure he's made a couple decent movies like The Rock and the first Transformers movie two years ago. But he also made both Bad Boys movies (and not the one with Sean Penn), Pearl Harbor, Armageddon, and the would-have-been-good-if-Michael-Bay-didn't-fuck-it-up The Island. If it weren't for Brett Ratner, James Toback, Uwe Boll, McG, Rob Cohen, Kevin Smith and Rod Lurie, he would clearly be the shittiest director in movies today.

But I realized that with Transformers 2, Michael Bay did something that he does in all his movies, and it just worked for me. He tapped into the juvenile child that I once was.

If you look at really any of MB's films, they are all just a celebration of machismo and being a man's man. He always has the dramatic 180-degree semi-circle camera shot, usually filmed from dick-level pointing upward, showing the sun in the background and group of determined capital-M "Men" ready to unleash their own brand of manly revenge.

Since I am a manchild of class and distinction, I have rarely fell for the rouse, scoffing at such neanderthal impulses, and opting for the more erudite, lyrical films of Frears, Lumet, Stanley Kaufmann, Egoyan, Noah Baumbach and the like.

However, because of my aforementioned connection with the Transformers brand, Michael Bay was able to bypass my cynical filtering mechanisms and successfully elicit a genuine adrenaline response.

If I may digress for one moment, I did see the film with my good friend D.Blakes, who is a unique movie-goer. D.Blakes is an African-American, and he treats any movie theater as if it were his own living room. So when Optimus Prime was taking on five Decepticons by himself, D.B. let out a high-pitched "WHOOOOOO!" When someone said something rude to one of the Autobots, D.B. -- at a silent moment -- said, "Oh shit, that nigga bout to get smacked in the mouth for that!" Thank God he's huge or else we would have had people shushing us the entire time.

So it turns out that most of the excitement that I felt in my chest came not from the storyline itself, or from the explosions being shown on the screen, or even by the mildly-attractive Ms. Megan Fox. No, it came from my extensive knowledge of the Transformers Generation One storylines.

I know that Optimus Prime is the baddest mo-fo this side of Cybertron. I know that Megatron treats Starscream like Michael treats Toby on "The Office." (Toastie's line, nuff respect due.) I know that Bumblebee and Sam (Spike in the cartoons) have a very special relationship. And I know this because I was obsessed with these stupid little plastic things when I was like 8 years old.

In fact, I think back to about 1984 or so, trying to imagine the amount of hair that would have spontaneously sprouted on my smooth boyish chest if I had seen so much as one minute of the Transformers 2 trailer back then. That such a thing could exist was inconceivable. I had envisioned a Transformers Atari 2600 game back then, but I couldn't decide whether the red button on the joystick would shoot a gun or make the robots transform into vehicles (or vice versa). Watching Optimus Prime stand up for the first time would have made my head explode.

These movies tap into something very primal (no pun intended) that is embedded in my psyche. And because of that, I was so willing to forgive all the terrible dialogue ("Mean robots suck!" "Punk-ass Decepticon!"), iffy acting, loud kabooms and completely incomprehensible plot. I mean the Matrix of Leadership turned to dust and then re-materialized? What the eff? Also, they could have shown all the "Primes" but instead just gave them one blurry, cursory scene! And sweet lord, don't you think that Megan Fox would have gotten a little bit of dirt or sand somewhere on her face or body at some point after running through the desert for two hours??!??!?!

But yet, I check my intellect at the door. As much as I know the movie is terrible, I still liked it. I would totally see it again. It's like the culmination of my youth, writ large. It's the same reason I gave Watchmen a pass, as disappointing as that was, and it's the same reason the G.I. Joe theatrical trailer gave me something akin to goose-bumps. And I wasn't even a G.I. Joe fan when I was a kid! (Sidebar, I'm a Judd Apatow fan, but that new Adam Sandler movie looks like a steaming pile. They practically gave away the entire plot in the trailer.)

These Hollywood assholes have finally found a way to crack through the veneer of us Gen-X film snobs. These bastards give us something that made us really happy when we were kids, update it, and then force us to try to hate it.

So bottom line, if they decide to make updates of He-Man and the Masters of the Universe, Go-Bots, M.U.S.C.L.E. wrestlers, Voltron, M.A.S.K. (that's Mobile Armored Strike Kommand, not the Eric Stoltz film), Thundercats or Super-Friends, my ass will be in the theater.

Of course, they did ruin Spider-Man, X-Men (the third one) and Star Wars for me in my later years so I suppose they can ruin anything.

Holy Shit!

2009-06-25T18:43:00.005-04:00

The King of Pop is dead. Long live the King! (By which, of course, I mean Jamie Foxx.)

Poor Farrah Fawcett and Ed McMahon. Talk about bad timing.

But the upside is, Paul McCartney is getting the full Beatles catalog back!

HIMYM, Save Thyself

2009-06-23T20:29:00.006-04:00

I hope you'll indulge me, hyperanalyzing a TV show, but it helps keep my brain sharp. Plus, HIMYM is a good show overall, and I'd hate to see it end with a whimper like other promising shows (Samantha Who?, My Name Is Earl) that lost their way after only a few seasons.

The show How I Met Your Mother has been one of my favorites over the last three or four years. I have enjoyed the writing, the characters and the dialogue. But like all things I like, I fear for it.

This past season was classic pre-Jump the Shark behavior. There were more than a few episodes that weren't just sub-par, but godawful and contrived. ("Ten Sessions," "The Possimpible.") But it's not beyond repair, and the way that it can be saved is by diagnoising its fatal flaws, and fixing them pronto. Let's take a look:

It's Too In Love With its Own Gags. A few seasons ago, HIMYM unleashed a wonderful little gag known as the "slap-bet." It goes like this: you make a bet, and whoever wins gets to slap the other one across the face as hard as they want. It was a hilarious little wrinkle in the plot. There was also a payoff seven full episodes later, which is one of the best "walk-off" endings in the show's history.

But then they got greedy. What was at one time a rather ingenious little subplot to the "Let's Go To the Mall" episode then became "Slapsgiving" (season Three), in which the entire episode was a countdown to the third and final slap that Marshall was finally going to give Barney. The slap itself was fine, but then it ruined it. Rather than ending on that note or having a brief denoument, Marshall had to sing a song called "You Just Got Slapped," with Barney joining in on the chorus! Gone was any tension that had existed up until then, and all the time they had put into the slap-bet concept went from TV lore to tepid and instantly forgettable.

This show has a tendency to become infatuated with its own humor, such as when Marshall was wearing a nightshirt, and Barney let off a rapid fire litany of jokes -- none of them funny -- about the attire. (Which, by the way, is a lazy tool of comic writing: make someone's appearance foolish, and then make other characters make comparisons or say "You look like the grandfather from 'Willy Wonka.'")

The show has to learn to glide gracefully past even its more ingenious jokes. When it spends too much time on them, it makes it look like it's trying too hard. Just make the joke and move along now. Don't wallow in your own supposed comic genius.
The Sentimentality of Ted. More often than not lately, the show has relied on ending on some kind of a dramatic or sentimental note. Now, from the first episode, Ted's character has been a kind of, for lack of a better word, pussy. He told Robin he loved her in the first episode, and is always talking about this ideal of "true love." That is, after all, the point of the show ... the backstory of how he met his future wife.

But the problem is that these elements, which worked so well because they were the subtext, have become the ... well, text. Instead of Ted just being, we are constantly told what he is, by other characters and by voice-overs. A hopeless romantic, someone looking for a soul-mate, etc. All right, we get it.

Problem is, Ted spends so much of his time fucking moping around and searching for this "true love," that it loses all of its power. There was an episode early on where Ted fell for a girl named Victoria at a wedding. They agreed they would never speak again after the wedding. Later on, when he finally tracks her down, the catharsis worked, because it wasn't telegraphed.

Now, we have contrived pap like "Ten Sessions," in which Ted very consciously tries to wear down the woefully miscast and thankfully jettisoned Sarah Chalke over the course of ten medical treatments. This might have worked if it weren't so goddamn phony and contrived. And that two-minute date they had at the end of the episode was about as authentic as a 1980s porno. (Unfortunately, this was also the episode that Britney Spears was in, which means it was the one that most newbie viewers were exposed to.)

Let's get the fun Ted back out there, the one that is sarcastic and doesn't take himself or his life too seriously, or come off as a "cool guy." (He might be the protagonist, but sometime's Ted is a borderline douchebag.) Because when the show validates his character, yet his character is doing something wussy/unlikeable/dickish, it undermines the whole framework of the show.
Barney's Radical Character Shift. I shouldn't have to tell this to professional TV people. When you take the funniest character on a show, and make him a sentimental ass, or too vulnerable, you take away the best part of a show. They did the same thing with Chandler Bing on Friends right before he got married to Monica, before thankfully re-installing his testicles by the time the show ended. Scrubs was also in grave danger of doing this with Perry Cox, the show's resident misanthrope. His seriously-toned, "he's really a good guy after all!" monologues -- which were initially a nice dab of humanity in an otherwise cynical character -- became all too frequent, before the show's switch to ABC restored his balls as well.

For the better part of three seasons, Barney has been the one standby. If Marshall is the innocent in Ted's life, then Barney is the devil on the other shoulder. This dynamic opposition has given the show much of its needed tension. Barney could always be counted on to act selfishly and with complete nihilism. He would always be in control and always be one step ahead.

But at the end of Season Three, inexplicably, the writers made Barney fall in love with Robin. First of all, can you think of a worse match? Who the hell decided "we have to get these two together!"

Barney should never be in love, not while the show is still on. And God forbid he ever does, it should be with someone conniving, mean ... borderline evil. Anything less would seriously compromise the character that this show has so successfully built into its best asset.
Stella. She needs to move away to a distant city never to be seen or heard from again. Sarah Chalke is fine on Scrubs; she was abysmal on this show. Cousin Oliver crossed with that asshole who was Rory's boyfriend on Gilmore Girls. (So I watch a lot of TV, fuck you.)

So anyway, I think this show has the potential to be a so-called "klassic komedy," and would hate to see it go the way of "Andy Richter Controls the Universe," "Joey," "Life on Mars" or other shows with decent concepts that shat the proverbial bed.

Black Eyed Indeed (Wocka Wocka!)

2009-06-23T18:23:00.004-04:00

No one hates you because you're gay, ~~Perez Hilton~~ Mario Armando Lavandeira. They hate you because you're a piece of shit. Is it okay to use the word "fag" now that Perez did it?

Perez is lucky it was just will.i.am that she called a "fag" and not Suge Knight. He would have gotten a bullet in his face instead of just getting his meat lumped.

I've never really read much of this guy's stuff, but from what I've seen, he self-righteously hides behind the rainbow flag, all while using Microsoft Paint to draw penises and semen on the pictures of celebrities. Then he talks about dignity and respect. Sorry, bitch, can't have it both ways. I read somewhere that Mario is the gay Uncle Tom. Hmmm.. I think I like the sound of that!

The worst part? He's right about the Black Eyed Peas shitty music and has forced me to take their side. Fuck you Mario!

Kobe

2009-06-14T21:59:00.001-04:00

Dear Mr. Bryant,

You may have four rings, but you will always be a prick.

Letterman

2009-06-09T23:29:00.002-04:00

I like Conan, but Dave was really the man back in the day...

Exponential Times

2009-06-08T18:36:00.001-04:00

Freaky

Real FREAKY naughty

Schmidtty Says Good-Bye

2009-05-29T19:10:00.001-04:00

20 years ago today! Hard to believe...

Alternate Reality Football

2009-05-27T22:17:00.010-04:00

We have a way to go before football season but I always get the fever about this time of year. It's a month after the draft, almost four months after the Super Bowl, and preseason is just over two tantalizing months away. I thought I'd take a look at the history of the league, and how only a few games could change everything.

Since 1966 -- the beginning of the Super Bowl era -- there have been a total of 14,134 regular season games, played, plus hundreds of playoff games. But when you think about it, if you reversed the decisions of just 43 of those games (less than 0.003%), the entire league would look completely different.

But it doesn't seem so unusual if you just reverse the fortunes of the 43 Super Bowl games that have been played over the last ... well, 43 years. Remember, we've still had fewer Super Bowls than we have presidents! That will change, of course, when the Bills win Super Bowl 44.

In the real world, the NFC has won 22 Super Bowls, and the AFC has won 21. (The Patriots could have tipped the balance in the AFC's favor had they stopped planning Disney World speeches and beaten the Giants, but such is life.)

Let's look at the first four Super Bowls, when the National Football League and the American Football League still had yet to officially merge. Here are the bizarro results (I am going to use Arabic numerals instead of Roman numerals for ease of reading):

Super Bowl 1: KANSAS CITY CHIEFS defeat Green Bay Packers
Super Bowl 2: OAKLAND RAIDERS defeat Green Bay Packers
Super Bowl 3: BALTIMORE COLTS defeat New York Jets
Super Bowl 4: MINNESOTA VIKINGS defeat Kansas City Chiefs

Since the AFL and NFL each won two games in these initial contests, it doesn't change the league dynamics all that much, other than making Kansas City the winners of the inaugural game, the Packers choking away two consecutive games (wonder what that might be like) and the Vikings beginning their soon-to-be decade of dominance. In the most exciting game of the first four, Joe Namath valiantly attempted to upset the heavily-favored Colts, but Johnny Unitas had one more miracle left in him, leading the Baltimore to their last football title ever to date.

Now, onto the 1970s!

Super Bowl 5: DALLAS COWBOYS defeat Baltimore Colts
Super Bowl 6: MIAMI DOLPHINS defeat Dallas Cowboys
Super Bowl 7: WASHINGTON REDSKINS defeat Miami Dolphins
Super Bowl 8: MINNESOTA VIKINGS defeat Miami Dolphins
Super Bowl 9: MINNESOTA VIKINGS defeat Pittsburgh Steelers
Super Bowl 10: DALLAS COWBOYS defeat Pittsburgh Steelers
Super Bowl 11: MINNESOTA VIKINGS defeat Oakland Raiders
Super Bowl 12: DENVER BRONCOS defeat Dallas Cowboys
Super Bowl 13: DALLAS COWBOYS defeat Pittsburgh Steelers
Super Bowl 14: LOS ANGELES RAMS defeat Pittsburgh Steelers

Oh, those poor Steelers of the '70s. They made the game an unprecedented four times in six seasons, and lost all of them. I wonder what that's like.

The bizarro 1970s were clearly dominated by the NFC, who won eight out of ten Super Bowls. The Cowboys and Vikings tie the decade with three each, but the Vikings get the edge for "Team of the '70s" because of their Super Bowl Four win, which technically took place in January 1970. However, the Cowboys get special consideration by making it to exactly half the Super Bowls of the 1970s (true in both the bizarro and real world).

Amazing that the '72 Dolphins came THIS close to having the NFL's first perfect season since the merger, until Garo Yepremien botched a field goal to allow the Redskins to score late in the game, take the momentum and win the game. Cowboys tight end Jackie Smith's clutch catch in the endzone of Super Bowl Thirteen gave Dallas the lead and the momentum over the star-crossed Steelers. The then-all-time passing leader Fran Tarkenton got his crowning third Super Bowl ring in four years in Super Bowl Eleven.

On to the 1980s!

Super Bowl 15: PHILADELPHIA EAGLES defeat Oakland Raiders
Super Bowl 16: CINCINNATI BENGALS defeat San Francisco 49ers
Super Bowl 17: MIAMI DOLPHINS defeat Washington Redskins
Super Bowl 18: WASHINGTON REDSKINS defeat Los Angeles Raiders
Super Bowl 19: MIAMI DOLPHINS defeat San Francisco 49ers
Super Bowl 20: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS defeat Chicago Bears
Super Bowl 21: DENVER BRONCOS defeat New York Giants
Super Bowl 22: DENVER BRONCOS defeat Washington Redskins
Super Bowl 23: CINCINNATI BENGALS defeat San Francisco 49ers
Super Bowl 24: DENVER BRONCOS defeat San Francisco 49ers

In four attempts, the pesky 49ers couldn't quite get over the hump, making Joe Montana possibly the greatest QB that ever lived who never won a championship. The Patriots performed the upset of the decade, toppling the mighty 15-1 Bears. But it was the Denver Broncos, led by John Elway, who dominated the second half of the decade, winning three out of four Super Bowls. The Miami Dolphins and Cincinnati Bengals -- the two AFC expansion teams of the 1960s -- showed a lot of toughness as well, with two wins each. Amazingly, the Washington Redskins would be the last NFC team to win a Super Bowl for fourteen long years.

The 1990s weren't just the advent of the internet and the Bedazzler! It was the decade of change ... and going back to the future!

Super Bowl 25: BUFFALO BILLS defeat New York Giants
Super Bowl 26: BUFFALO BILLS defeat Washington Redskins
Super Bowl 27: BUFFALO BILLS defeat Dallas Cowboys
Super Bowl 28: BUFFALO BILLS defeat Dallas Cowboys
Super Bowl 29: SAN DIEGO CHARGERS defeat San Francisco 49ers
Super Bowl 30: PITTSBURGH STEELERS defeat Dallas Cowboys
Super Bowl 31: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS defeat Green Bay Packers
Super Bowl 32: GREEN BAY PACKERS defeat Denver Broncos
Super Bowl 33: ATLANTA FALCONS defeat Denver Broncos
Super Bowl 34: TENNESSEE TITANS defeat ST. LOUIS RAMS

Clearly, the Team of the Bizarro '90s was the Buffalo Bills, run by the K-Gun offense, they started their good-karma with a clutch 47-yard Scott Norwood field goal to win Super Bowl Twenty-Five by a score of 22-20. Many compare them to the (real-life) New York Islanders of the early 1980s. The rest of the Decade shows a second Super Bowl win for the Patriots, and the first taste of victory for the Steelers and Packers, who had each been to the big game multiple times prior, but never able to win. Two major Super Bowl upsets in a row happened, with Atlanta defeating the 15-1 Broncos, and the Titans beating the high-flying Rams. (Note: the Titans got to the Bizarro-world Super Bowl by performing a completely legal lateral pass in a playoff game against Buffalo. In Bizarro-world, the play was 100% legit, and Phil Luckett was named head of officiating instead of being tortured in my dreams.)

Last but not least, the turn of the Millennium, with a couple surprises along the way!

Super Bowl 35: ST. LOUIS RAMS defeat New England Patriots
Super Bowl 36: NEW YORK GIANTS defeat Baltimore Ravens
Super Bowl 37: OAKLAND RAIDERS defeat Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Super Bowl 38: CAROLINA PANTHERS defeat New England Patriots
Super Bowl 39: PHILADELPHIA EAGLES defeat New England Patriots
Super Bowl 40: SEATTLE SEAHAWKS defeat Pittsburgh Steelers
Super Bowl 41: CHICAGO BEARS defeat Indianapolis Colts
Super Bowl 42: NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS defeat New York Giants
Super Bowl 43: ARIZONA CARDINALS defeat Pittsburgh Steelers

Once again, the Steelers have a tough decade, losing two Super Bowls in four years, mostly because they got very little help from the officials in both games. The Patriots looked to be having a bad go of it as well, losing three of four games, before finally capping off their perfect 2007 season by defeating the Giants.

So to recap:

Bizarro Team of the 1970s: MINNESOTA VIKINGS
Bizarro Team of the 1980s: DENVER BRONCOS
Bizarro Team of the 1990s: BUFFALO BILLS
Bizarro Team of the 2000s: ????

Well folks, it has been a wild, wild ride. I hope you enjoyed this trip down a twisted path. And think, if just 43 games -- out of the 14,000+ that have been played in the Super Bowl era -- had had different results, this wouldn't have been bizarro at all, but real!!!!

How's your mind? Blown? I'm sure it is. Of course, to the kids in third world countries, this is how it really happened anyway.

R.I.P. Dane Cook

2009-05-22T18:27:00.004-04:00

No, he's not actually dead, but my love for him certainly is. It seems that early on, you fell into one of two camps: either "Dane Cook is the Greatest Comedian That Has Ever Lived In This or Any Era," or "Dane Cook is a Fucking Piece of Shit Who Only Is Popular Because of College Co-Eds." I was somewhere between these two frames of mind, in that I always found him funny, but I could tell there was trouble a-brewin'.

[Note: I'm noticing that I'm referring to Dane Cook as "Dane" throughout this post, as if I know him. I don't know him, but referring to him as "Cook" is probably even more douchey.]

Dane Cook's first album -- Harmful If Swallowed -- was an unexpected masterpiece of observational humor and unusual wordplay. He would mine mundane situations for universal nod-your-head-in-agreement truths, such was what everyone says when they get cut off on the highway ("Umm... hello???") and when you are standing around at the scene of a night-time accident (where everybody acts like they are cold). It had some profanity and some bawdy moments, but they were always within the context of his observations. It was a real charmer of an album because not that many people knew who he was back then, and you could introduce someone to it without looking like you were already on some kind of bandwagon.

His second release, a double album called Retaliation, was very entertaining, if imperfect. Everyone remembers "somebody shit on the coats" line, and there is enough laugh-out-loud material on this one to be considered a good buy. Interestingly, the second disc is a lot of dirty stuff, notably the "where's the handle" portion, which is amusing but incredibly filthy.

At this point, you were solidly pro-Dane or anti-Dane. And it seemed that reactions on both sides were wayyy over the top. There are people who refuse to acknowledge that there has been a single funny syllable that has ever fallen from his lips. Note some comments on Dane from his entry at RateYourMusic.com:

There are 24 tracks on this CD but where are the jokes? This is nothing more than some pretty boy comic talking about his everyday boring life in a room full of people that would laugh at anything. ... HIFS was the comedy album that rotated a lot in many various kiddy circles when it came out. Who didn't listen to this? But come on, this guy was a sham. I really hope that no one over the age of twenty actually bought into this stuff and laughed, because it is all very stupid. ... Dane Cook is NOT FUNNY. Seriously. I was heavy into stand up so i got Wright, Carlin, Hicks and Hedberg. ... I could listen to this all the way through without even cracking a smile. I would only do that to prove a point. After the point was proven, I would never listen to this unfunny shit ever again.

Okay first off, don't get me started about these hipster fucks who constantly cite George Carlin and Mitch Hedberg. Carlin hasn't been funny in two decades; in fact his funeral was probably funnier than his last ten albums. And Hedberg had a brilliantly brief streak as the "hot" comic, but by the end of his young life he was so drugged out that he could barely perform. Joe Piscopo had more longevity than poor Mitch.

But you can't tell me that you never laughed at Dane Cook. I just don't buy it. I feel that these people probably had a pre-conceived notion about Dane and that probably colored their reaction to his comedy. Not your thing? Fair enough. I find it very hard to believe you never found him funny once.

The flip-side to that is the equally irritating Cult of Dane, which basically amounts to a collection of college age girls (all due respect young ladies) who wouldn't know Bob Newhart from Jim "The Anvil" Neidhardt, and suddenly are experts on the History of American Comedy. These are the people who scream at Dane's every concert ... you know, rather than actually laughing. God forbid Dane would throw out one of his catchphrases, you'd think you were at a fucking Jonas Brothers concert.

I never really blamed Dane himself for this; why wouldn't he try to get the crowd as amped up as he could. (David Cross certainly knows what's up!) And it wasn't his fault that (what I thought was) his relatively smart humor was being co-opted by a bunch of neophytes who just thought he was hot.

Dane's HBO special, Vicious Circle, wasn't bad, but it seemed that he couldn't help but fall victim to believing the accolades. He might have been drafted into the Cult of Dane, but now he was the willing ringleader. (Think: Gaius Baltar, fellow nerds.)

A few months ago, I was very excited to hear his album Rough Around the Edges on a trip from Syracuse to Rochester. I laughed for one track ("15 cents") and the rest was sex-laden material that would have sounded better coming from Jimmy Norton than Dane Cook. It was a crushing disappointment.

Later, I heard a radio interview with Dane, where the interviewer said Dane had been called "an X-rated Brian Regan," and whether Dane took that as a compliment. (If you don't know who Brian Regan is, he truly is the greatest comedian that's ever lived, next to maybe Bob Newhart and 1980s David Letterman.) Dane said "No, I don't take that as a compliment." And while he didn't insult Regan, he said it in a very dismissive way, almost like saying "Don't even compare Brian Regan to ME." He lost me for good there.

And that brings me to his latest special, ISolated INcident, a concert shot in one take and presented commercial-free for its debut. While it wasn't patently awful, it was just not that interesting. Dane went for a lot of the sexed-up humor that he's been using as a crutch lately (I had gravitated to him early on because he found a way to transcend that kind of stuff), including extended passages about web porn (not a single titter from me) and countless references to sexual exploits. It's not like I'm a prude, folks, I just don't find that kinda stuff interesting.

But the worst, new part of Dane's new act is the self-referentiality. In this special, he makes reference to his parents that died (which is fine), but then talks about how he Googled himself and saw all this hatred on the internet. (One funny thing: "When I entered my name into Google, Google came back to me and said 'Are you sure?'") But rather than acknowledge the myriad, valid reasons that some people might dislike him (his ego, the change in direction of his humor), he seems to chalk it all up to jealousy over his success. Instead, I would hope that Dane might figure out that maybe he strayed a bit from his roots. If someone had gotten to Adam Sandler early on, maybe we'd have more Billy Madisons and Happy Gilmores, and less Wedding Singers, Big Daddys and Little Nickys.

Early on, Dane had a kind of humility that any good comedian needs to have. The second a comic starts taking himself too seriously is when he will start to lose his luster. (See: Piscopo, Joe; Carrey, Jim; Murphy, Eddie; Degeneres, Ellen (since rehabbed).) I would love to see Dane act less like a superstar and more like a dumbass comic with flaws and vulnerability. When you are handsome (and suddenly buff, holy shit!), a little self-deprication goes a long way, and until he finds it again, I'm off the Dane Train.

Make Up Your Mind

2009-05-03T14:53:00.001-04:00

Dominoes!

2009-05-01T09:36:00.001-04:00

Awesome! A short video for the Rochester Institute of Technology's "Imagine RIT" festival.

Of the Carnal and the Catastrophic

2009-04-28T20:56:00.004-04:00

I don't remember where I heard it, but I heard many years ago a theory that stated this: where there is lack of creativity, there is sex.

That whenever someone doesn't have an intelligent wit, creative mind or original sense of humor, they default to sex.

So when you are with a group of dudes, and EVERY SINGLE joke that goes back and forth is about gay sex -- or at least where that is always the default -- it means that you and your friends probably should raise the level of discourse.

My theory about this theory is one of reduction. When we are in a strange and foreign place, we wish to default to our homes. It's a safe place; a place we know.

The same things work when in our mental space. If you are a person who doesn't traffic in erudite discussion or highbrow humor, you probably get nervous when things get to that level, and if you aren't that bright, or just aren't that funny, you will often go to the lowest common denominator.

Ladies, let me let you in on a little secret: when guys are alone, especially if they are comfortable with each other, they will almost inevitably start talking about how they are going to have forcible homosexual sex with each other. It's just the way we operate. It actually doesn't start until college, because in high school you are way too afraid to even joke about being gay, lest the rest of the class think you are. But once you start living among other men, showering with them, and yes, having all sorts of gay sex with them, it becomes less taboo.

Anyway, I'm getting off-topic.

Because sex is one of our most base instincts, it is a sort of soft-landing pad for those of us who attempt to traffic in humorous discourse. However, I'm finding that the same is true for politicians who really have nothing to say but want to make a splash.

There has been a lot said about the relationship between sex and death, and I never really saw it. But they are similar in one way: they are probably our two most base obsessions, one we all want, one we all dread. It's easy to push the "sex" button, especially in media, with beer commercials, phone sex ads and "Two and a Half Men." Sex is something that grabs your attention and masks any lack of creativity. No one has ever watched an X-rated movie and bemoaned the lack of character arc.

The same goes with our survival instinct. So deeply ingrained in us is it that we will often act irrationally out of fear for our own survival. (We will certainly act irrationally because of the sex-instinct.) So when we feel our survival threatened, we will throw a lot of our rational thought out the window. This is why murder in self-defense is often not even a crime; anyone can identify with the survival instinct.

So now we have the Swine Flu, a disease that is sweeping Mexico and creeping up into the United States. And of course, a lot of politicians have decided to use this outbreak to scare up fear of Mexicans. ("Not only are they brown, but they are diseased!") Now I'm not saying Mexicans are bringing it into the U.S., and I'm not saying they're not, but as far as I can tell, most of the people who are getting it are people who have gone TO Mexico, and come back with it. There isn't a lot of data to support that Mexican immigrants are causing a pandemic here, at least not yet. If that changes, it changes.

But right now, we are seeing a bunch of people on ~~Fox News~~ TV saying that we need to tighten up border security due to this disease. So by that token, the U.S. citizens who brought the disease back should have been refused entry and left to get sick in Mexico, right?

And seeing all this, it occurred to me that people who prey on fear are not necessarily the most power-hungry or evil ... they are simply the most bereft of ideas. When former Pres. Bush couldn't push the PATRIOT Act through, he preyed on our fears. When Dick Cheney talks about Obama making the nation less safe, he does it because he has no alternatives that will make him relevant.

It is a natural instinct to want to be safe, and when our fear is impressed upon, it often makes our ears perk up to listen a little closer. But remember to question the guy promising doomsday scenarios just as you would question the snake-oil salesman promising miracles. It's ironic that we often reject hope out of cynicism, but take a big ole bite out of the fear sandwich without questioning who made it.

Biiiitch Pleeeease

2009-04-21T18:55:00.007-04:00

It took a little longer than I thought for the privileged, assholish movement of the so-called "left wing" to rear it's queer head. I used to be indifferent about Perez Hilton, and now I hope this no-talent shitdick dies in a bucket of AIDS.

I am all for gay marriage and would be completely against any kind of constitutional amendment against it. But this attention-seeking disease-receptacle is the reason that people in the United States hate gays. And Perez Hilton trying to teach people about "state vs. federal" would be laughable if it were funny at all.

The left-wing took a big hit today courtesy of a fascist who actually said he supports things that are "politically correct."

Go sketch some more drawings of ejaculate and penises on celebrities' faces like the good stereotype you are Perez. Gay marriage is now probably further away than it was this time last week. Hope you're happy.

Apophis (Rhymes with "Office")

2009-04-20T23:14:00.006-04:00

Have you heard of Apophis? Chances are you haven't. And chances are, you probably won't have to worry about it for at least another 20 years. But when the shit goes down, you better be ready kid.

Apophis (official name: 99942 Apophis) is an asteroid -- technically a "Near-Earth Object (NEO) -- that NASA had predicted had a small chance (2.7%) of hitting the earth in year of our lord 2029. (I'm sure Miley Cyrus will still be a major star by then, so an asteroid hitting us might not be so bad.) It turns out that NASA has projected a zero-percent chance of this asteroid hitting us in 2029. But there is a loophole.

Or should I say, a "keyhole." Wikipedia defines "gravitational keyhole" thusly:

A gravitational keyhole, or resonance keyhole, is a small region of space that if an asteroid were to pass through it, its course would be altered due to Earth's gravity in a way that could cause such an asteroid to collide with the Earth on its next orbital pass.

It turns out that there is a small window that exists, whereby even though the asteroid will miss earth in 2029, if it passes through this gravitational keyhole, the asteroid will return to possibly hit earth in 2036. (On, yes that's right, Friday, April 13th.) And if THAT misses, it still might come back to hit us in 2037.

So here's what the nerds at NASA tells us...

The chances of this meteor hitting us in 2036 is actually 1 in 45,000. Plenty of lottery winners have beaten those odds. We'll actually know these odds better when we get a better look at it in 2013.
If it misses in 2036, it's odds of hitting us the following year is 1 in 12.3 million.
If it hit us, it would be like being hit by 65,000 nuclear bombs. [source]
Impact would be equivalent to 880 megatons of TNT. The largest man-made explosion was created by Tsar Bomba (aka the Emperor's Bomb), detonated by Kruschev's Russia in 1961. Its impact: 50 megatons. The Tunguska Event -- the worst asteroid catastrophe in the last century -- was 5 megatons. The eruption of Krakatoa was 200 megatons.
Apophis is the ancient Egyptian god of destruction. But the geeks who named it got it from the bad guy on "Stargate SG-1." Nerds. They couldn't have called it Cylon?
The asteroid -- when it does approach us in 2029 -- will actually be closer to the earth than most satellites that broadcast TV shows and space radio.

So where would it hit?

The result is a narrow corridor a few miles wide, called the path of risk, and it includes most of southern Russia, across the north Pacific (relatively close to the coastlines of California and Mexico), then right between Nicaragua and Costa Rica, crossing northern Colombia and Venezuela, ending in the Atlantic, just before reaching Africa. Using the computer simulation tool NEOSim, it was estimated that the hypothetical impact of Apophis in countries such as Colombia and Venezuela, which are in the path of risk, would have had more than 10 million casualties.

Believe it or not, the nerds at NASA are actually trying to come up with "Armageddon"/"Deep Impact" scenarios to knock the asteroid off target with man-made methods. Some of them include (and I swear I'm not making these up):

Using a nuclear bomb to destroy the asteroid (which would actually be the worst plan because it would create shrapnel-like smaller asteroids that collectively would have a much higher risk of hitting earth).
Commandeering another no-risk asteroid to "bump" it out of the way, like curling.
Creating a space ship with "lasers" and then using these "lasers" to force the trajectory of the asteroid out of harm's way.
Using "solar sails" which would use light -- LIGHT! -- to change the asteroid's orbit.
Set off a nuclear bomb close to the asteroid, so that it does not make direct impact, but does push the asteroid off course.
Send up a fleet of laser-wielding ships that can stay up in space at all times and deflect asteroids on an ad hoc basis.
The most well-liked by some scientists: a "gravity tractor," which is basically putting a ship up in space, whose gravitational pull will yank the asteroid out of harm's way. (This would be used AFTER a kinetic impact, where a spacecraft of some kind bangs into the asteroid).

Part of the problem, of course, is the question of WHO is going to take the lead on something like this? I'm guessing even if the U.S. sent a spacecraft up in the air, Hugo Chavez would still be a total dick to us.

Anyway, long story short, we're all gonna be dead in 2036. God bless!

The Five Worst Movies I've Ever Seen

2009-04-19T17:28:00.002-04:00

Trailers included...

5) American Dreamz (2006)

4) Natural Born Killers (1994)

3) Atanarjuat (aka The Fast Runner) (2002)

2) Heavy Traffic (1973)

1) I'm Bout It (1997) [Trailer doesn't exist, here is a clip of the movie itself]

The Great Firewall of China

2009-04-18T14:23:00.000-04:00

If you want to know what it's like to surf the web with the censorship of the Chinese Government, click the logo below, for Firefox's "China Channel" add-on.
And then praise the Lord that you don't live there.

If The Office Had Been On In the '70s

2009-04-17T23:04:00.001-04:00

OMG Enough Blessing America Already

2009-04-16T23:29:00.005-04:00

Apparently at Yankee Stadium the other day, the douchily named Bradford Campeau-Laurion was apparently escorted out of Yankee Stadium when the song "God Bless America" was being played, and he refused to honor it because he had to go to the bathroom. I'm not sure how true this story is so I'll keep my comments brief.

It's not often that I agree with the out-of-touch ACLU, but this enrages me ... but probably not for the reason that you might think.

I don't think that it was right by any means for the officers to kick the man out of the game for not observing the song. It sounds to me like a couple cops on a power trip. And the cops' story that they "observed a male cursing, using inappropriate language and acting in a disorderly manner while reeking of alcohol"? Have they ever BEEN to Yankee Stadium?!?! Or any sporting event in the last decade?

But that thing that infuriates me the most is that this wasn't even a flap over our national anthem. This was over "God Bless Fucking America," a song that is not our national anthem, wasn't observed in any way at ballgames or any other sporting events before 9/11, and -- here's the kicker -- is one of the shittiest songs ever written.

Yes, I was upset about 9/11. Yes, I love this country more than any other. No, I don't think that a song with numerous awkward pauses, a crappy melody, half-baked lyrics and a climax of "white with foam" should have replaced "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" just because some people are still trying to look patriotic 7.5 years after the fact. Just because Rudy Giuliani and ~~Sloth from the Goonies~~ Ronan Tynan have tried to turn it into our de facto battle cry, that doesn't make it fucking so. Even Woody Guthrie thought "GBA" was shit, which is why he responded by writing "This Land Is Your Land."

If we were really going to replace or supplant our national anthem, we'd be much better off doing it with "America the Beautiful," a song much more skillfully written, more beautifully melodic, and with a fifty-times more swelling and dramatic crescendo.

In fact, check this, the third and eerily-prescient verse of "AtB":

O beautiful, for heroes proved
In liberating strife,
Who more than self their country loved
And mercy more than life!
America! America! May God thy gold refine,
Till all success be nobleness, and ev'ry gain divine!

You aren't finding anything close to this in Irving Berlin's crapsterpiece.

"God Bless America" is nothing. Not a patriotic anthem, not proof that you are a good American, nothing. And if you don't like it, then get the fuck out of the country, traitor.

Marshall Blathers

2009-04-13T20:11:00.005-04:00

I had a discussion the other day with a dear, dear friend about Eminem, and his value as a rapper and as a musician. She finds him to be great, I countered with the argument that I always have, which is that his being white has a lot to do with his popularity. (If G. Rap Giancana and Pharaohe Monch were white boys, they would have been on the cover of Rolling Stone years ago.)

So anyway, Eminem released a new video, and here it is. (By the way Em, quit being a bitch and disabling embedding of your videos):

I liked it the first two times I saw it, when it was called "My Name Is" and "The Real Slim Shady." Once again, Marshall decides that he wants to be "controversial," directing his ire this time toward such ripe targets as Brett Michaels, Sarah Palin, Amy Winehouse, Jessica Simpson and other personalities that were edgy fodder a year and a half ago. There is a "Jailhouse Rock" parody and a "Star Trek" spoof! Was this video directed by Weird Al? (May his name be praised.)

Not only does the song kind of blow, it shows Em at his most desperate.

There are two sides to Eminem: the serious martyr side, and the goofy celebrity-hating side. When he was a younger rapper in the mid-1990s, he was a pretty typical freestyle battler. He would show up on mixtapes every once in a while to drop a few hot verses, but his freestyles were seldom better than anything from Big L or Madd Skillz. But with a little help from Dr. Dre, he got enough exposure to become arguably the most well-known rapper of the decade. (Apologize to Kanye and Lil Weezy.)

But the song with which he broke through was a crude -- if clever -- harangue against basically anyone who was popular at the time. He speaks of having mammary-related relations with Pamela Anderson (Lee at the time), impregnating Spice Girls and stapling his high school English teacher's scrotum to his leg. This apparently was the "Slim Shady" persona that we were all supposed to find naughty and incorrigible!

Given the novelty nature of this first single, Eminem by all rights should have been relegated to the nerd-rap category next to MC Paul Barman. But Em did a smart thing and immediately positioned himself as not just a nasally blonde jokester, but rather as a tortured and self-reflective storyteller. He ceded his cartoony voice for one of deep rage on songs such as "The Way I Am" and "Stan." In these songs, the pressure of overnight success clearly has gotten to him, driving him and his fans to extreme measures. Ironically, he blames the same media that contributed to his meteoric rise for his torment at that time.

To me, it's this Eminem (is it the "real Marshall Mathers"?) that is the most tiresome. Not only is there something terribly annoying about the meta-nature of rappers making videos for MTV about how the media gives them no respect, but this Eminem is humorless, not clever and woefully uninteresting to me. The delusions of persecution -- whether by Eminem, Rush Limbaugh or Howard Stern -- are disingenuous at best and fraudulent at worst. Personalities like this thrive on being seen as dangerous, and use it as a bullet-proof shield against any criticism; basically someone can put out a bullshit album, and when the media takes a dump on it, the artist will say that people are "haters" and are out to get them. It's all very phony and annoying.

So usually, when Em comes back to the fanciful whimsy of celebrity-skewering, it's a guilty pleasure. But this one is just so lazy. He talks about Kim Kardashian's fanny (that's American "fanny," not British "fanny"), Lindsay Lohan's lesbianism, Ellen and Portia, and even John Mayer (he whom, although it seems everyone thinks is a douche, actually seems kind of like a relatively cool guy to me). There is no insight here that you wouldn't already find in a Perez Hilton post, and no target that he would have to be afraid would bite back. (Em has yet to talk smack about anyone with any kind of rhetorical savvy.) Even the video is subpar, substituting extravagance, porn stars and special effects for satire.

So I fear that Eminem has leaped above the proverbial shark, and if this is what he's become, we may have already seen his best days. It's too bad, really, because there was a time that he was at least interesting, even if just sporadically so.

UPDATE:

I came across an article at Passion of the Weiss, where he ranks the 10 best rappers of all time. They are listed as such, with my own approval/disapproval:

[Note: missing are Sage Francis, LMNO, Brother Ali, Sole (kinda), Sixtoo and yes, MC Paul Barman, who is kind of annoying, but you can't deny the multi-syllabic technique.]

10. Eyedea (yes, he looks like Eric Devendorf, but he's probably the best battle MC of the bunch)

09. Cage (possibly)

08. 3rd Bass (MC Serch yes, Pete Nice no)

07. The Beastie Boys (no, no and hell no)

06. Slug from Atmosphere (terrible freestyler, decent studio rapper, makes a heck of a song)

05. The Streets (no, but I'm not really into that UK Grime stuff; still he's cool as hell)

04. Edan (fuuuuuuck yes)

03. Aesop Rock (good sweet lord yes, probably should be #1; the only guy out right now whose lyrics actually give me chills)

02. Eminem (for technique, I'd probably put him top 10, but my reservations are listed above)

01. El-P (there is no better lyrical display by anyone of any race than Funcrusher Plus)

Don't believe what Rolling Stone and Spin tell you, babies. Let Unkie Herb lead you in the right direction.

The Man Who Brought You Citizen Kane, Ladies and Gentlemen...

2009-04-11T12:02:00.002-04:00

St. Sanders Shreds!

2009-04-09T18:44:00.004-04:00

My new favorite YouTube thing. Listen to these "amazing" solos from guitar legends...

Eddie Van Halen

Toto

Eric Clapton

Carlos Santana (his keyboard player at the 1:12 mark is INCREDIBLE)

Zeppelin!

G-N-R, with vocals!

Metallica's "One"!

and of course, KISS

BONUS! AC/DC

Yngwie Malmstein

A Dozen Things I Learned About My Face

2009-03-30T20:02:00.004-04:00

I got new glasses the other day, and I found out the following things about my face ... and about life ...

My head is wide
My eyes are very close together, especially for the width of my head.
Numbing eye drops work great! Bring on the Lasik!
My nose "wanders"
It's better for me to have darker glasses because they hide the fact that I have no eyebrows.
The screws that held my old pair of rimless glasses together were far too long, to the point that they were actually illegal! I could have sustained a pretty severe eye injury if I had had the wrong kind of facial accident.
I have a mild astigmatism. I also used to think it was "a stigmatism," and that it meant that you had a bad reputation that followed you around. And this was only a couple years ago. And I'm not kidding.
You have all sorts of little arteries in your eyes that are actually in front of your vision, but that your brain ignores. How cool is that!
My eyes dilate like a mutha***ka.
It's true that people with blue eyes are more sensitive to light.
Darker glasses make my hair look darker (and at this point I need all the help I can get).
I'm too chicken to pursue the trendy "European" look just yet.

Rap

2009-03-24T23:06:00.002-04:00

In case you care, I have listed my top hip hop albums at Rate Your Music. I have split them up into "Golden Age" hip hop albums (roughly 1988-1996) and "Post-Golden Age" (1997-present).

Take a look and tell me what I'm missing or what I have wrong. (They are still in progress so they might change by the time you read this.)

The Furor...

2009-03-11T18:20:00.001-04:00

...of Der Furher.

2500 Albums

2009-03-10T19:35:00.004-04:00

From hublog.hubmed.org/

Click on the image for a closer look. How many of them do you have?

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

2009-03-07T20:36:00.003-05:00

No no no no no No No No No No No No No No No NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NOO! NOO! NOO! NOO! NOO! NOO! NOOOO! NOOO!!! NOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

O&A Cartoons

2009-03-01T02:11:00.002-05:00

A collection of some of my favorite Opie & Anthony animations.

The Hippies Lost! Condolences!

2009-02-26T21:13:00.004-05:00

Where were the Kent State riot police when we needed them?

Please, if you have about 20 minutes, watch the embarrassment that is this failed NYU cafeteria protest.

Never (or at least not since the "Don't Tase Me Bro" guy) have I seen such an entitled little phonies. A bunch of angry trust fund kids with dreadlocks and Che Guevara t-shirts are standing up for liberty, you mindless consumerist sheep! They were prepared to stay in this makeshift cafeteria bunker for as long as it took, with nothing but their hemp pullovers and MacBooks to help them survive.

The outrage! The brutality!

Never have I witnessed a more pathetic attempt at "democracy." The guy holding the camera documents all the items that the protesters are carrying -- in case they're confiscated by these obviously FASCIST COPS, maaaaan! -- and when he sees a bottle of water he says that the cops probably wouldn't be interested because "they probably drink corporate water."

"Corporate water."

I think it would be hilarious if the guy holding the camera was given life in prison and then everyone else was given 30 years. Not that they deserve it: I just think it would be a hilarious overreaction. Almost as hilarious as this one was.

A Moment with Kenneth

2009-02-25T00:57:00.004-05:00

He is probably the best character on sitcoms today, so enjoy a little Kenneth Purcell

I only wish they could have added my favorite line of his: "I'm a good sex person, I do it in ALL the ways!"

Standing "O"

2009-02-24T23:42:00.004-05:00

Obama's would-be State of the Union speech tonight was off-the-charts. It was positive, specific and devoid of the cynicism and arrogance of the last 7 State of the Union addresses.

Maybe this is just me still being in the honeymoon phase with Barry-O, but there is something about him that is just so calming. I imagine it's the same way that Republicans felt in the 1980s when a grandfatherly Ronnie Reagan would step out and reassure everyone that things would be just fine, juuust fine indeed.

And although it was kind of annoying to see Nancy Pelosi starting a few self-conscious standing ovations, it was great to see Barry and Joe Biden in the driver's seat instead of Bushie and Emperor Palpatine.

I feel like it was the best State of the Union speech I've ever seen, and although I don't know whether I'd say that three years from now if asked, I finally -- for the first time maybe in this decade -- feel like this country is on the right path again. (The fact that new GOP star Bobby Jindal had such a vague and uninspiring response was a testament to the air-tightness of the speech.)

I am one of those 68% who approve of this guy. It's not just that he is a president of Big Ideas, but he has the right philosophy about what is going to make this country great again. It's about building from the bottom up. It's not about continuing to kick great amounts of wealth upward into the hands of the 1%, but about getting money flowing around again. And if a Fulbright Scholar like Joe the non-Plumber wants to call that "redistribution of wealth," so be it. I'd rather see money start to recirculate to us common folk rather than sit idly in the mattresses of the scumbag "elite class" who got us into this mess in the first place.

I hope that I am not going to be revisited harshly by these words anytime soon, but I think Obama is really going to revolutionize this country, and make it prosperous again. He just "gets it." Progressivism + Pragmatism = my vote again in 2012.

My Unsung Movies

2009-02-19T22:47:00.004-05:00

Since the Oscars are coming up this Sunday, and since I only got 60% of my Oscar picks correct, I am catching up on my Oscar nominated movies. So far I have seen Slumdog Millionaire, Milk, and Frost/Nixon. (In case you cared, my favorite so far is Frost/Nixon), which means I have to see The Curious Case of Benjamin Button and The Reader by Sunday.

The great thing about great movies is that it makes you remember all the other great movies you've ever seen. And while I could go and list my top 150 movies of all time, I won't do that. Instead, I'll give out a few of my favorite movies that few people know about. And away we go!

SPRING FORWARD, 1999. (Director: Tom Gilroy) Imagine if The Shawshank Redemption didn't take place in jail. That's kind of what this movie is like, but so much more than just that glib description. Liev Schreiber and Ned Beatty are Paul and Murph, respectively. Murph is recently out of prison, and Murph is an aging landscaper. The two of them do manual labor all day long. At first they start out as young punk and old grumpy veteran. But through every scene -- mostly while picking up trash and hauling logs and such -- their friendship grows and evolves, until they have a special kind of friendship by the end. The movie is almost all dialogue, but there is not one second of sentimentality or bathos to be found. I don't know of a single other human being who's heard of this film, but it's one of the great hidden gems I've found.

BUFFALO '66, 1998. (Director: Vincent Gallo) The fact that I am a Western New York native and a long-suffering Buffalo Bills fan probably makes me biased to loving this movie, but I still think that I would love it no matter what. It's the story of a real loser who is just getting out of jail, and his plot to kill a Scott Norwood-like retired football player, whose missed field goal in the Super Bowl made it necessary for him to go to jail. Gallo is the writer, director and star of this movie, and his Billy Brown is a unique character. He is a grown child: petulant, undeveloped, selfish. But when he kidnaps a girl named Layla (Christina Ricci), to make her pretend to be his wife for the benefit of his incredibly dysfunctional parents. The odd love affair that grows between Billy and Layla is organic, real and most refreshingly of all, doesn't culminate in some kind of earth-shaking fornication. It's one of my favorite movies, because it's funny, quirky and ultimately redeeming.

ILLTOWN, 1996. (Director: Nick Gomez) Before he directed the extremely underrated Drowning Mona, he directed this slightly supernatural dystopian story about rival street gangs. It is as if the film Kids were directed by Martin Scorsese. It is brutal and unpredictable. And the best part: it contains Tony Danza's best-ever performance as a gay drug lord. (Seriously!) I haven't seen this movie in almost a decade, so maybe it doesn't hold up the way I wanted it to, but I remember it being an intense crime drama.

THE SALTON SEA, 2002. (Director: D.J. Caruso) Proof that Val Kilmer can act, and that he has the weirdest-looking elbows I've ever seen. This fantasia about crystal meth addicts is quirky, strange and tense in spots. Vincent D'Onofrio plays a yellow-skinned thug named Pooh Bear with no nose. When you have a movie filled with "Tweakers," interesting characters are bound to show up, and other than Glenn Plumber's horrible brief performance, this one is a weird good time.

ANIMAL FACTORY, 2000. (Director: Steve Buscemi) Imagine if The Shawshank Redemption took place in a prison that looked like "Oz." And Red was constantly threatening to sodomize Andy Dufresne. Such is the compelling, surprisingly funny film directed by Buscemi. Willem Dafoe plays mentor to new fish Edward Furlong (in Furlong's only good performance), and a cast of cons who are trying to get him out of there so that he never has to come back. But Furlong's self-destructive tendencies keep hurting his chances of ever getting out. Again, like many of these movies I'm noticing, there is a natural bond between the two main characters. And when Furlong's fate is finally sealed, you are a little happy and a little sad.

MATEWAN, 1987. (Director: John Sayles) You wouldn't think that a movie about West Virginia coal miners would be a nail-biter, but this one really is. Imagine if There Will Be Blood had a plot that included unionizing, racism and an old west-style gunfight. The movie is deliberate, but never slow. And it has a multiple Oscar-nominated cast (Chris Cooper, David Strathairn, Mary McDonnell) and the guy who plays Warden Norton in Shawshank! (Shawshank comparisons all over the place!) The bad guys are baaaad, and the resolution, though a tad abrupt, is satisfying and intense.

DAYS OF HEAVEN, 1978. (Director: Terence Malick) This is the movie that allowed Malick to retain legendary status despite making self-indulgent, overrated movies like Badlands and The Thin Red Line. If a poem could be put on film, it would be this movie. There is almost no dialogue at all, and the dialogue that does exist is mostly spoken in the background and hard to hear. It's a series of snapshots, almost like a beautiful music video without the pop music. The plot -- about a love triangle between Richard Gere, Brooke Adams and Sam Shepard -- is less interesting than how the film is constructed, which is with quick scenes and little explanation. It's a moving impressionist painting, and it's incredible.

SMOKE/BLUE IN THE FACE, 1995. (Directors: Wayne Wang, Paul Auster) These two films can be considered the Thalia and Melpomene of the same storyline: Smoke is a sometimes funny drama about the owner of a smoke shop and his customers, and Blue in the Face has most of the same main characters, but is all comedy. You could easily see one without the other and garner the plot, but they are better viewed (first Smoke, then Blue in the Face) as companion pieces. Where else can you see a touching scene where Harvey Keitel pretends he's an elderly black woman's grandson, as well as Michael J. Fox going on a diatribe about taking a dump? A real landmark of 1990s indie cinema.

HEAVY, 1994. (Director: James Mangold) I have a thing about movies that take place in small towns, and in this one, an overweight cook named Victor in a diner lives a humdrum life, with a dying mother and a lot of loneliness. That is until a young Liv Tyler enters his life as a waitress at the restaurant. There isn't much "plot" here, other than the arc that Victor's infatuation takes, as well as the after-effects on the rest of his life. It's shot in a naturalistic, unassuming way, and the characters are real and three-dimensional. It's a little downbeat, but ultimately not depressing.

THE FOUNTAIN, 2006. (Director: Darren Aronofsky) Aught-six was a good year for my man Hugh Jackman, at least as far as I'm concerned, because he was in two of my favorite movies, The Prestige, and this surreal masterpiece. I would have to say this is probably the most romantic movie I've ever seen. (Granted, I saw it by myself but I was still a gentleman.) Jackman is Tom Creo a man trying to both cope with the illness of his dying wife, and simultaneously find the cure. But Tom's journey/battle takes place on three fronts: the present, the distant past (Conquistator-era) and the distant future (where his life takes place in a self-contained bubble with a dying "tree of life"). It's a sublime, wholly original work, and its beauty overflows: in the visuals, in the music, in the story. Much like Days of Heaven above, it transcends just words and ideas, and goes into an astral dimension where the ideas of love and the pursuit of eternal life are universal.

Well, if you are sick of the same old crap in theaters (and I must say, we are in a bad time period for movies right now), maybe take a flier on one of these movies for something off the beaten path. Plus, it's nice to have your own little secret coterie of movies to pontificate about every so often.

Happy Birthday Lance!

2009-02-10T12:54:00.002-05:00

Today, Lance Berkman (full name: William Lance Berkman), switch-hitting outfielder for the Houston Astros turns 33 years old.

Lance made his MLB debut in 1999. To date, he has hit 288 home runs and has amassed a respectable .302 batting average.

His 41 home runs in 1997 at Rice University were the third most in history.

In 2001, he came in 5th in MVP voting. It was also his first of five seasons in which he was named an All-Star. The following season, he hit 42 home runs.

Berkman hit an 8th inning grand slam in the 2005 Divisional Series against the Atlanta Braves, in the longest game in Major League Baseball playoff history (October 9, 2005).

He has the most single-season extra base hits in Astros history (94 in 2001) and the most single-season RBIs in Houston's history (136 in 2006).

In 2006 he came in 3rd in MVP voting, and in 2008 he came in 5th.

His nickname is "Big Puma"!

He is tied for 130th on the list of home runs in MLB history.

So to Lance Berkman, we wish you a happy birthday and a great 2009!

Short Circuit

2009-02-03T19:21:00.006-05:00

Among the carnage of the recent economic meltdown was Circuit City, a company that is a model for how not to run a business on a macro AND micro scale.

First, the macro. In the late 1990s, Circuit City launched a new movie format called DIVX/Digital Video Express. The way it worked was that you could rent a movie, and from the time you started it, you had 48 hours to watch it. Afterward, it would become unplayable. But it wouldn't play in a regular DVD player: you had to buy a specific DIVX player. The format was owned by Circuit City, but they were not exactly forthcoming about their new format. They presented it as a compatible service to DVD, and not a competing format.

Eventually, internet chatrooms caught hold of the scam and, in a grassroots effort, started sites like FightDivx.com, which played a part in the format's demise around 1999. (They lost $114M on DIVX.)

But the company was known for all sorts of underhanded tactics. Lots of examples are available. Circuit City had to pay the state of New Jersey over $170,000 in a class action suit over false advertising.

In California, the unfortunately named Muammer Gonlugur, an employee of Circuit City, successfully sued the company for unfair arbitration practices. It doesn't sound sexy, but reading the court document is to read the very definition of predatory hiring.

Basically, the way Circuit City treats their employees makes Wal-Mart look like Wegmans.

My own experience with Circuit City wasn't horrifying or really that memorable. But it was indicative of how they do did business. It was Christmas 1998, and I wanted to buy my dad a portable CD player for Christmas. (This was the Christmas after college when I was living back at home and wasn't paying rent so I had money to burn for the first time ever.)

I saw an ad in the paper selling portable CD players for $39.99 (at the time that was a bargain-basement price), and it was a brand name. So I ran to Circuit City. When I got there asking for the cheap players, oh surprise, they were all out. But, if you're still interested, we have a few more players over here you can look at. Long story short, I walked out of Circuit City with a wonderful portable CD player -- for $119.99. A classic bait and switch, and I fell for it. But after the buyer's remorse I felt, I stopped blaming myself and started blaming Circuit City for luring me in.

The more I read about them throughout the years, the less surprised I got. And now they are reaping what they sowed. They chose the quick buck instead of earning their customers' trust.

And so if there is anything positive about the tens of thousands of people who lost their jobs, it's that maybe the next business that comes along to fill Circuit City's empty spaces will be one of integrity and honesty.

And if not, they, like MCI/WorldCom and Enron before them, will collapse into rubble as well. Here's to the demise of shitty business!

Meditations On .... Okay Fine, On Meditation

2009-02-02T18:34:00.006-05:00

When I was a junior in college I was kind of a mess. I was in a deep deep funk and wasn't really sure if there was a way to get out of it. I was annoyed by everyone and everything pretty much all the time. So when my classes were over, I used to come back to my room and try to get away from things for a few hours, usually until the boys from the 5th floor would round me up for dinner time.

Since I was in a depression, I would sometimes take a nap, but that got kind of old and messed with my sleep cycle. So to decompress, I would play solitaire on my roommate's computer after class and listen to the Beatles.

Until 1997, I hadn't listened to any "white people's music." My record collection consisted of about 500 rap tapes and CDs (mostly tapes, since I was cheap and they were easy to copy). So when I got the Beatles Anthology 3 album that Christmas, I was only really familiar with their well-known singles, and The Magical Mystery Tour, which isn't one of their better offerings, but my mom had it on record and we used to play it slow to hear the cartoon characters say "smoke pot, smoke pot, everybody smoke pot."

Anthology 3 covered the Beatles' "third period," (The White Album, Abbey Road and Let It Be), which was a period with which I was not familiar. At the time, my image of the Beatles was "she loves you yeah yeah yeah" Ed Sullivan era stuff, so when people talked about how influential they were, I assumed it was a bunch of aging hippies reluctant to let go of their lost youth. Little did I know that the Beatles were my gateway to music with singers, instruments and melodies.

So anyway, while these revolutionary sounds played in the background, I absently played like 30 different versions of solitaire. (Those games were awesome, I wish I could find them.) And though I didn't realize it at the time, I was giving myself therapy. Because while my conscious mind went through the mechanics of placing the correct cards in the correct spots, my subconscious mind was in a trance, taking in the music that I couldn't believe was 30 years old.

I was completely obsessed with this music, and started omnivorously collecting as much info as I could about them. So for several months, I would come home from class, let my brain fork off in two different directions.

As I got familiar with the works of the Fab Four, I stopped listening as actively, and started zoning out even further than before. And though I didn't realize it was happening, I was working out all my problems in my head. I wasn't staring at a wall, which would have been depressing. Instead, I was keeping my brain occupied -- like giving a child a toy and putting him in the corner for a few hours -- while my subconscious worked things out. To say that I was cured of all ills might be pushing it, but I was slowly, gradually, unwittingly pulled out of my quicksand of melancholy.

Flash forward to 2009.

I read about a set of albums called Disintegration Loops by William Basinski, and though it doesn't sound like my cup o'tea, I take a flyer on it and download the whole 4-disc set.

The album is a collection of several songs, ranging in length from 10 to 90 minutes. They are on an endless loop, and play the same four or five seconds of music over and over. It drones on and on and on for upwards of 20 minutes or more at a clip. But there is a twist.

The loops were originally created (I'm guessing on a reel-to-reel tape) in the early 1980s. When Basinski decided to convert the tapes to a digital media in 2001, he noticed that they tape started to erode -- flake off, practically -- with every pass. He realized that the tape was literally disintegrating -- dying -- before his eyes. He decided to let the tapes play over and over until they couldn't play anymore due to decay. (The story continues that he completed these recordings on the morning of September 11, 2001, and that he and his friends watched the twin towers collapse with these playing in the background, providing a fitting soundtrack of destruction.)

This is not the kind of artsy music that I generally find myself drawn to. I like things that are catchy, melodic ... Beatle-esque, you might say. I get bored with The Police because their choruses go on too long, and that's usually like a minute and a half. This is sometimes 45 minutes of the same sound over and over.

But much like those Beatles tapes before them, these are hypnotic. I've been listening to them while I go to sleep for the last few nights. And at first, it's a little annoying and boring. But after a while, it sort of becomes something else altogether, kind of like an audio version of one of those "Magic Eye" posters. And unlike something even as dense as, say, a 14-minute Ornette Coleman free-jazz piece, there is nothing new to latch on to, other than the gradual hissing, buzzing and crackling of the tape being stripped down, layer by magnetic layer.

But by that time, I have gone into la-la land. Strangely, I have found myself in a sort of waking-dream state, almost like being hypnotized. Before I have drifted off into full-on sleep mode, brief but lucid movies are playing themselves out in my head. I can hear voices and sounds and see colors and details. It's a delicate tightrope walk, because the slightest sound or change in the music can wake me right back up, but maybe my subconscious is going back to working itself out again. I think I have finally experienced a "Zen" state of mind via the death throes of a BASF tape.

So I'm not sure what to make of the fact that I find myself entranced by both the most accessible music in the history of the world, and the least accessible music in the history of the world. But I do know that God forbid I fall asleep to a Creed album, my brain will probably explode.

Super Bowl Recap

2009-02-02T18:33:00.003-05:00

I still only recognize four Steelers Super Bowl wins.

Olney in New York!

2009-01-27T22:49:00.009-05:00

Dear Buster Olney,

Stop being such a fucking baby.

So Joe Torre writes a book (with your own colleague Tom Verducci, no less) and whoops pow surprise! It turns out that Brian Cashman is a company man and A-Rod is a faggot. What a shock.

You think everyone didn't already know that A-Rod is a prima donna shitdick who cares more about P.R. (and I don't mean Puerto Rico, folks) than about whether his team wins or not? Did you think he was fooling anyone with his "I want to be a Yankee" friend-of-the-workingman shit? Just because Torre confirmed it doesn't mean that everyone didn't already know.

So Torre had "the scowl," as you call it, where he would chastise yellow journalists for bringing up sensational stories in press conferences. What the fuck did you expect him to do? Openly comment on these kinds of stories when he is still the manager of the team? And did you expect him to have any loyalty to Cashman or the organization after the way they unceremoniously booted his ass?

Maybe in your feeble little Yankee-lovin' mind, this is going to go down in infamy as Torre's own "I'm not here to talk about the past" moment if he doesn't fess up to writing all this stuff. But you have to remember one thing.

THE REST OF THE FUCKING COUNTRY DOESN'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE YANKEES AS MUCH AS YOU DO, BUSTER.

And maybe if you left your fucking cubicle once in a while, you might realize that there are more things out there in the world than the Yankees. And sorry, not every book written about the Yankees can be a sanctifying ode, like your own book The Last Night of the Yankee Dynasty, in which you swoon over "[Derek] Jeter's confidence, [Paul] O'Neill's intensity, [Tim] Raines' humor, [Joe] Girardi's professionalism."

And why do you give your boy Verducci a pass? You mention several times in the article that he wrote the words, but that Torre had to sign off on it. Why not chastise him for allowing his good name to be sullied by such depraved dreck?

Sorry Torre shitted on your squad, Buster, but he was only reinforcing what everbody ALREADY KNEW. You love the Yankees, you feel personally hurt by Torre's words ... we get it. How dare someone spit in the face of Yankee Universe?!?

Quit crying like a baggy-eyed little fruit and be a man, you fucking nerd.

Super Bowl Kerfuffle!

2009-01-26T23:40:00.002-05:00

Considering that this year's Super Bowl teams have two of the douchiest theme songs on record, it's hard to choose. Behold:

Personally, I'll take the Cards just because they don't have that eardrum-exploding Picksburg accent.

Oscar? I Barely Know'er!

2009-01-20T12:03:00.003-05:00

There are two things I love above all others: wasting time and making spreadsheets. I found a way to kill two proverbial birds with one hypothetical stone, by combining these with the Academy Awards.

There are cynics among you who will say that the Oscars are pointless, and that awards should not be given out for art. I kind of agree with the latter part, but as for the Oscars themselves ... well yes, they are pointless. But I like to go into them relatively well-informed. This will not be one of those years, being that I've seen about 3 movies this year, none of which will be considered for the Academy Award.

Why has your humble cineaste fallen so behind in his moviegoing? Well, going to the movies is on the expensive side, and it's hard to find someone to go with me. Also, let's face it, for the most part in the last 5 years or so, movies have ... well, completely sucked ass.

Gone is the scintillating era of the mid-1990s, where even Pulp Fiction ripoffs were fun and exciting. (And if you have to copy a movie, I'd rather have they do it with Pulp Fiction than these goddamn Sons of Saw III.) From about 1989 to about 1998, there was a torrent of innovative and well-crafted films, that also happened to be popular. Look at the list: Boogie Nights, Fargo, L.A. Confidential, sex lies & videotape, GoodFellas, The Usual Suspects, Glengarry Glen Ross, just to name a few. While not perfect, these films were a testament to storytelling innovation, outstanding dialogue, and most importantly, SUBTEXT.

Subtext is sorely lacking in modern cinema. We have movies like Crash, Brokeback Mountain, Million Dollar Baby, Babel, and Ray (again examples) that bat you over the noggin with exactly what they want you to know about their movies. They don't challenge like they once did. And even when the films of the 1990s were not challenging you with their meanings, they were usually challenging you in other ways, such as structure and conflicted characters.

Right now we are in a period that is similar to the 1979 to 1987 period in cinema, where precious little interesting or innovative films were being made. It's why we are seeing two major phenomena: big-time movie actors having their films go straight -- or at least very quickly -- to DVD (Nicholas Cage, Samuel L. Jackson, Al Pacino, Matthew McConaughey); and established movie actors going to TV (Laurence Fishburne, Tim Roth, Kyra Sedgwick, Gary Sinese, Alec Baldwin).

For the latter, it's not that actors are slumming it; they are smart. TV is better now than it's probably ever been, and movies are at their nadir. So why wouldn't an actor get a job with steady work on shows that are far better written than most of the movie crap that comes out. Compare the writing of shows like "The Wire," "The Sopranos" (even with all its flaws), "30 Rock," "The Office," "Mad Men," "Battlestar Galactica" and the like to Uwe Boll's latest reel of cinematic excrement.

Anyway, that is all neither here nor there. Since movies have been so shitty lately, I have naturally become nostalgic for the last two decades of films, waiting for the next great wave of moviemakers to come along. And I'm going to do something rather revolutionary. I am going to correctly predict all five of the Academy Award Nominees this year, before they are announced.

There is a methodology to my madness, and it is this: every Academy Award nominee of the last 20 ceremonies fall into one of ten categories. They are...

Feel-Good Movie:

It Could Happen To You, Muriel's Wedding, A Christmas Story, It's a Wonderful Life

Quirky:

Spanking the Monkey, Buffalo '66, Barton Fink, Boogie Nights, Citizen Ruth, Harold and Maude, Fight Club

Period Piece:

Chinatown, Amadeus, Avalon, Ragtime, The Great Gatsby

"Message" Film:

12 Angry Men, To Kill A Mockingbird, Judgment at Nuremberg, The Long Walk Home, The Best Years of Our Lives, Mr. Smith Goes to Washington

Liberal Agenda:

The Contender, A Few Good Men, The American President, Coming Home, Easy Rider, The Ghosts of Mississippi, Dances With Wolves, Amistad, The Cider House Rules.

Epic:

Lawrence of Arabia, Gone With the Wind, Heaven's Gate, The Godfather

Inspirational:

The Shawshank Redemption, My Left Foot, The Pianist, Hotel Rwanda, A Beautiful Mind

Weepie:

The Color Purple, Old Yeller, Love Story, City Lights, Sophie's Choice, Kramer vs. Kramer

Gritty:

GoodFellas, Narc, Saving Private Ryan, Reservoir Dogs, Se7en, Mean Streets, American History X, Requiem for a Dream

Surprise Hit:

Pirates of the Carribean, Moulin Rouge, The Sixth Sense, Babe, Little Miss Sunshine

Now, if you are interested in how the last 20 Oscar races have come out, HERE IS THE SPREADSHEET. It breaks each of the five nominees down into their categories -- and sometimes more than one -- for 1988-2007. That is 20 years of research. The numbers don't lie!

But based on that, here are what the five Oscar nominees WILL BE this year:

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (aka the Epic/The Weepie)
Frost/Nixon (aka the Period Piece)
Revolutionary Road (aka the Message Movie/Period Piece)
Slumdog Millionaire (aka the Surprise Hit/Feel-Good Movie)
Vicki Cristina Barcelona (aka the Quirky Comedy)

This WILL BE the list. Mark it down now and bet the house on it.

[UPDATE:

Wow, I blew that one. Three out of Five (The Reader and Milk instead of Vicki Cristina and Revolution Road.) But I'll get 4/5 next year. Write it down and bet the house on it!]

1/19/09

2009-01-19T20:45:00.002-05:00

Tonight the Bush presidency saw its final sunset.

2008 Media Recap

2009-01-05T23:31:00.004-05:00

A rundown of my media consumption this year...don't worry it's for ~~posterity~~ charity

Best Albums I Discovered

Shearwater - "Palo Santo" and "Rook" - Dense, heavy folk music
Bon Iver - "For Emma, Forever Ago" - Folky folks music
Nerina Pallot - "Fires" - Great voice, catchy piano pop
Stephen Malkmus - "Real Emotional Trash" - His best non-Pavement album ... except for "Pig Lib."
MGMT - "Oracular Spectacular" - I first heard of them in 2007, but never thought they'd get big.
Vampire Weekend - "Vampire Weekend" - I was late to jump on this train but it's a very good album.
Panic at the Disco - "Pretty. Odd" - Not at all the type of album I'd like, but yet I did. What is happening to me?!
Fleet Foxes - "Fleet Foxes"
Tobacco - "F**ked Up Friends"
Oh No - "Exodus into Unheard Rhythms" (2006) - Hip Hop in a time capsule from 1993.
Switches - "Lay Down the Law"

Best Shows:
The Sarah Silverman Program
Battlestar Galactica
30 Rock (although the 2008-09 season has started a little lackluster)
The Venture Brothers (it's from a few years ago but it's probably the densest and most culturally-savvy show since the Simpsons)
It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia (I finally got caught up and it's great)
The Colbert Report
Dear Zachary: A Letter to a Son About His Father - devestating, mesmerizing
Summer Heights High - The UK version of The Office directed by Christopher Guest

Best Movies:
The Dark Night
Iron Man
My Winnipeg
Tropic Thunder (for the first half hour or so)
Before the Devil Knows You're Dead
The Prestige - I know it came out in 2006, but I've been a little behind. It's one of the best mystery films I've ever seen. Ever. Seriously.
The Bourne Ultimatum - I thought the other two Bourne movies were just okay, this one kicked some serious ass.
Manufacturing Dissent - the best documentary out there exposing the fraud that is Michael Moore
(it was a seriously weak year for movies)

Two concerts I went to:
Iron & Wine in Buffalo; Glen Hansard in Massachussetts

Biggest Disappointments:
Ben Folds' "Way To Normal" - All the things that have irked me about his songs the last few years have culminated into this steaming pile of shit.
The Foot Fist Way - Indie cinema is dead, and if it's not, I will now have to kill it after this sporadically funny but ultimately sloppy farce.
The Wire, Season 5 - It was still good -- still the best show on TV, in fact -- but it was the weakest season of the series; the "serial killer" angle was something out of a bad Al Pacino crime procedural.
From the Earth To the Moon - yes the 1998 Tom Hanks NASA miniseries. Some episodes were pretty good, some really boring (especially the one with the device of a filmmaker following everyone around), but ultimately it was just a TV movie. I don't know what I expected, just something a little better I guess.
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly - It was a great concept and pretty interesting at times, but ultimately it suffered from the same aimlessness that has plagued French cinema for decades.
Amy Poehler on SNL - She is just not all that funny, and her Hillary Clinton impression -- though iconic -- sounds absolutely nothing like Frau Cankles herself.
Dane Cook "Rough Around the Edges" - the first chink in the Dane Train's armor; too dirty, too inside and just not funny enough. With this and his shitty movies, we may be seeing an epic shark-jump.

Websites:
Deadspin - Not as much as I used to since I don't read it at work anymore, but it's still the best place to find the "comedy pyramid"
Politico, Talking Points Memo, Five Thirty Eight, RealClearPolitics, Wonkette, Pollster.com and just about any other left-leaning website in the universe this past year.
BeerAdvocate
BeerJanglin'! - naturally...
Google Reader - now all my unhealthy obsessions in one easy-to-read interface!
MP3Sale dot are-you. We'll keep it our own dirty little secret.
Last.fm and Pandora - since I am too lazy to read about music and need someone who will tell me what to like.
Wikipedia - the best site in the history of the internet, errors be damned!

Odds and Ends:
Hard N Phirm - the "Pi" song is a corker
Tori Schulman from "Movie Up"
"Firefly" the TV series and its movie follow-up "Serenity"
POTUS '08 on XM Radio - my obsession for about 10 months until Election day
The Vice Presidential Debate - the epic battle between the MILF and the Mouth
Brian Regan's "The Epitome of Hyperbole" - finally a TV special that captures the genius of the greatest stand-up comic of our time
Rock Band and Rock Band 2 - don't drink the haterade, it's a real hoot.
Opie and Anthony and Li'l Jimmy Norton - outside of their Jill Nicolini phase, they did some great stuff this year. FRUNKIS! It's still my go-to radio show, even though I get Howard now too.
Giants beating New England in the Super Bowl. What a wonderful wonderful moment in human history. Of course, no one in the LIBERAL MEDIAL will mention that in three consecutive seasons the Patriots have a) blown an 18-point lead to lose the AFC Championship, b) blown a perfect record to lose the Super Bowl and c) missed the playoffs (yeah yeah, I know Brady was out, cry my a river). Choke much, Bill Belicheat?

So there you have it, 365 days of me sitting on my ass. Hope you enjoyed it.

Oh the Minutes I've Wasted!

2009-01-01T11:17:00.000-05:00

My 525,600 minutes? Most of them were spent:

Drinking awesome beer
Sleeping
Not getting laid
On the shitter
Blogging
Driving
Pretending to work
Eating delicious foods that were bad for me
Clearing out my DVR even though I wasn't in the mood to watch the shows on it
Calling other motorist "c--ts" and "c--ks--kers"
Calling the Bills "a--holes" and "f--king d--chebags"
Calling Republicans "f--ggots" and "motherf--kers"
Sitting on a train
Texting Willie with great/awful puns
Not cleaning my apartment
Not paying my bills
On the computer
On the computer
On the computer

And the rest of it was just wasted. Ba-dum-BUM!

Happy New Year everybody!

The Year In Review in Word Clouds

2008-12-30T23:45:00.013-05:00

Here was my blogging year in a nutshell, or rather a Word Cloud. Looks like I wasted a whole year writing it.

JANUARY

FEBRUARY

MARCH

APRIL

MAY

JUNE

JULY

AUGUST

SEPTEMBER

OCTOBER

NOVEMBER

DECEMBER

What Bill Told Scarlett

2008-12-18T23:15:00.003-05:00

Lost in Translation is one of my favorite indie movies of the 2000s. Not just because it has Bill Murray and a young heartthrob named Scarlett Johansson (now Mrs. Ryan *spit* Reynolds, and no it won't last more than 5 years absolute TOPS).

The movie is about two Americans who meet each other while temporarily stationed in Tokyo. They are both in unhappy relationships, and though they are very far apart in age, they strike a connection that blossoms into a very subtle romance. So subtle, in fact, that it isn't really considered an "official" romance until the last 30 seconds or so of screen time.

The film is a metaphor for finding a connection with another person in a world where you don't feel you are understood. There are lots of shots of these characters isolated, in their hotel rooms, or sitting by themselves. Lots of static camera angles and slow, deliberate -- some would even say boring -- scenes. In fact none of the Japanese dialogue in the film is subtitled, further adding to the sense of alienation and solitude.

It's only when these to serendipitously find each other that the film begins to "pic up," both in pace and in tone.

The climax -- and one of the more intriguing scenes in recent film history -- is the very last scene of the movie. Bill Murray has to catch a flight back to his home in Los Angeles (coincidentally also where the Johansson character lives), but before he leaves, he tracks her down. He hugs her, but before he goes, he whispers something in her ear. It is pretty much inaudible (and yes, I watched it with the subtitles on just to be sure my ears weren't going bad).

In the video below, someone digitally altered the sound and figured out what he said to her. And it's not some jokey, fake "gotcha" in case you were wondering. You can actually hear him say it. And what's great about it is that you could basically tell in the movie that this is roughly what he said, but it was so much better that they kept it a secret.

If you haven't seen the movie, you may want to skip this video... but go out and rent it. If you've always wondered, here it is.

Freestyle Rap Battle: Translated

2008-12-18T18:53:00.000-05:00

This is goddamn brilliant!

A Christmas Terrell

2008-12-17T21:13:00.004-05:00

Santa brought me an early Christmas gift: a Terrell Owens interview where he gets to cry about how unfair life is.

Is anyone else getting sick of this asshole? He is perpetually instigating and causing trouble, and then he is constantly complaining about how he's unfairly criticized. He doesn't seem to realize that it's easy for anyone to just disappear into quiet life. And you can't be universally beloved when a) you are constantly drawing attention to yourself, because anyone well known will be disliked by a certain segment of the populations, and b) you are a complete and utter dick.

One thing I will give Owens credit for, however, is his command of the King's English. Behold.

"There were reports that myself, Roy and Patrick all got together, you know, and I'm the head honcho of all this."
- Owens on the meeting he had with his teammates. I think it's telling that Terrell doesn't really understand what the term "head honcho" means. He also uses the tried-and-true method of attempting to make himself look more intelligent by referring to himself in the first person as "myself." Well played.

"It seems like every time something happens or arises, I'm the blame. I'm the pitfall for everything."
- Owens on how everyone is so mean to him. To me, the phrase "I'm the pitfall" is one that should enter the English lexicon, and NOW. To say "I'm the fall guy" would assume that Owens has any cultural awareness or basic knowledge of colloquial idioms.

"We're trying to make a playoff push, and every game, thereafter, is critical for us!"
- Owens, talking about the Cowboys needs to right the ship. Again, Owens -- by using the word "thereafter" -- attempts to polysyllabically get himself out of looking like a dummy. (He does the same thing a few sentences later when he uses the word "amongst.")

"We know what kind of usplosive offense we have, and we know we have a lot of capable players ... of making plays."
- Owens, advancing the spoken word.

"Just say give this incident, for example."
- Owens, clearly meaning to say, "For instance...."

And yet the cold hard fact is that he makes more during a bye week than I will make over the next twenty years.

Of course, Stephen A. Smith likes to get into the act to saying that someone in the Cowboys organization "evidently said something to him along those lines, essentially to sully your name," not only doing a great impression of the Damon Wayons character on "In Living Color" who used to use big words he didn't understand, but also to imply that somehow the name "Terrell Fucking Owens" hadn't been sullied like seven years ago.

I love this new hero worship by our sports media. Makes me definitely not hate ESPN or sports in general at all.

How's This For Depressing?

2008-12-15T23:40:00.006-05:00

Well not for you, but for me.

I just looked at a calendar, and it turns out that the next time my birthday falls on a Saturday will be in 2018. That is over 9 years from now.

My 2012 Birthday (#36) will be on a Friday; due to leap years, my 2013 birthday (#37) will be on a Sunday.

It will be my 42nd birthday.

That will be the next time that my birthday falls on a Saturday. The next time I am able to both sleep in AND stay up late on my birthday will be #42. And by that time, I'm pretty sure I will naturally get up at 5:30 AM and fall asleep at 7:30 PM.

We're basically looking at a full decade before I get another Saturday birthday. Think of all the things that will have happened by then:

Obama will have completed both of his presidential terms, and we will be in the midst of the midterms of the Tim McGraw presidency.
The Bills will have missed the playoffs for the 19th consecutive year.
Zac Efron will have won that elusive third Oscar.
Guns-N-Roses' "Chinese Democracy II" will only be three years from release.
VH-1 will complete their "I Love the 2010s" series... apparently.
Cancer will be cured; male-pattern baldness will still haunt me. I will have the same amount of grey hair that I do now.
I will get around to organizing my magazines.
I will still be adorable.

So if you happen to see me on a Saturday, and it's my birthday. Buy me a beer.

I'll be dead shortly after.

Tobacco Addict

2008-12-10T14:09:00.004-05:00

I am down with this new ~~band~~ guy called Tobacco, and ~~their~~ his album "F**ked up Friends." He is part of the group Black Moth Super Rainbow, a group that has a similar sound, but is way more "normal" I suppose.

Tobacco sounds like a combination of Boards of Canada and a 1970s PBS kids show. And the videos are insane, mostly clips of exercise videos and possibly even 1980s porn. I think I love it. Rather than doing the post-modern irony thing favored by, say, The Beastie Boys or Beck, they just abandon the usual MTV quick-cuts and let each video play out for a few seconds in all its kitschy glory.

Check out of some of their videos, and by all means, enjoy... although don't do it at work, just to be safe. Might not be your thing (music or videos) but to me they are mesmerizing.

STREET TRASH

TRUCK SWEAT

HAWKER BOAT

SIDE 8

BERRIES THAT BURN

GROSS MAGIC

LITTLE PINK RIDING HOOD

BACKWOODS ALTAR

Awesome Show Alert: Summer Heights High

2008-12-03T21:30:00.003-05:00

To call Summer Heights High (on HBO for 8 episodes) an Australian version of the British version of The Office wouldn't be doing it justice. On its face it sounds like kind of a gay idea: have one guy play three different characters that attend one school, and see what happens.

It sounds like a bad Mike Meyers project, I know. But trust me, this show is goddamned hilarious.

The three characters are: Mr. G, a super-effeminate music and theater teacher who is as oblivious as The Office UK's David Brent but maybe even more selfish; Ja'mie (pronounced ZHA-may), a transfer student from a ritzy high school who tries to ingratiate herself with the "cool kids" at the new school; and Jonah, a Tongan thug who hangs around with other Tongans and gets into all sorts of trouble.

If you didn't know better, you would think that Mr. G was gay, Ja'mie was a real girl, and Jonah was really 13 years old. But what makes the show isn't the parlor trick of having one person play all the parts, Peter Sellers-style. It's the writing.

For example, the third episode featured a junior student dying of a drug overdose. Mr. G responds by writing a musical about the girl's life called "One Girl, One Pill." Most of the songs talk about how the girl was a slut and a drug addict. I couldn't possibly do it justice. In the first episode, one particular line made me laugh for about 5 minutes: all I'll say is "Tsunamarama."

I use the Office UK comparison only to give an idea of the style of humor, since it's very subtle, with no laugh track and lots of quick jokes that hit you and then immediately switch to another scene, just like Ricky Gervais's masterpiece. Though it's Australian, it bears little-to-no resemblance to Flight of the Conchords, but is more like a Christopher Guest miniseries.

So even if you can't stand Australians, comedy, actors playing multiple parts, high school or Tongans, give this show a shot. You know you can trust me.

Two Awesome Videos

2008-11-16T02:16:00.003-05:00

There are two really cool videos on the internet right now.

The first is the new trailer for Watchmen, which comes out 03.06.09 and is probably gonna be awesome. The book is great, and the original trailer is badass too. Here's the original (which doesn't give you much idea of what the movie is about, but is very atmospheric and moody):

The new trailer actually gives you an idea what the movie is about, although if it's anything like the book, any expectation the beginning of the movie gives will be shattered by the credits. The movie is being directed by Zack Snyder, who directed 300, a movie that I expected to hate and dismiss as an all-flash-no-substance visual extravaganza. Needless to say, 300 is one of the most badass movies ever made. Anyway, here's the new trailer:

The second is a bunch of "sport-stackers" (also known as "cup stackers") who take a bunch of plastic cups and then stack them and unstack them. Doesn't sound that complicated until you see these kids do it. Behold...

Apparently this has been around since the early 1980s, but is taking on a life of its own. I only found out about it a few weeks ago, but man is it cool. I wonder how someone could get involved in something like that.

Okay bye.

My Musical Week

2008-11-15T16:02:00.006-05:00

Some odd music-related stuff from this week...

***********

Last night I went to see Iron & Wine in Buffalo, NY at a place that is now a concert venue but was an old church, and is apparently owned by Ani DiFranco. It was a very cool venue, and we sat in the upper balcony area on the stage right side.

Iron & Wine's first album, The Creek Drank the Cradle, might be my #1 favorite album of all time. It's one of the few albums I own where EVERY song is good or great. In fact it might be the only such album in my catalogue. What's striking about the album is its simplicity; it was recorded on an amateur basis on a 4-track for Sam Beam's own personal use, and it was given (without his knowledge) to a record company -- Sub Pop, which some of you hipsters might recognize -- and it became and underground sensation.

When people say about an album, "it changed my life," I know what that means because of this album. It's not that it made me a better person or that I suddenly could shoot webs from my wrists, but it opened me up to a musical world I never would have thought to explore. Sam Beam's lyrics are some of the greatest ever written, and he is one of the only songwriters in the world whose lyrics could be printed out and be considered a stand-alone poem. Well anyway, I introduced my buddy Bruce to I&W about four years ago, and we both just fell in love withe the guy, his style, his voice, his beard. Everything.

Last night's concert was really strange, though, because that first album grabbed me so much with its lo-fi, DIY approach that I had been lamenting his later albums which were much more highly produced and had lost some of the intimacy of the first album. So when Sam came on stage alone, I knew he was going to have a band, although he did the first couple songs all by himself -- including "Upward Over the Mountain," my favorite song from Sam and one of the few songs that almost makes me cry every time I listen to it.

Weird thing was, his concert, usually so low-key and subdued, turned into an all-out jam, with 6 total instrumentalists all rocking hard and doing extended versions of old hits. His overproduction, about which I had complained so many times, breathed new life into some of his all-too-familiar songs. Awesome guy.

*********

I played the game "Rock Band" this week, and to say that it's an obsession might be pushing it, but goddamn is it fun. I have been playing the bass mostly, but every once in a while I'll grab the mic and belt one out. (My favorites are "Nine in the Afternoon" by Panic! At the Disco and "Aqualung" by Jethro Tull. And though I'm not a fan of Bon Jovi, per se, "Wanted Dead or Alive" is a great goddamn song to belt out.)

My friend Christian and I were going through some of the songs available for download on the Xbox, and there were some really great ones on there. It was very cool to go down a list of songs and listen to 30 second clips and take a flyer on some crap you don't know if you'll even like in a four-minute version. It must have taken developers forever to create that game, not to mention all the royalties.

***********

I have long been a proponent of satellite radio, but now that XM and Sirius have merged, I am a little pissed. Yes, it's cool that I can now get Howard Stern (although Opie and Anthony are still funnier, if much dumber) and all the NFL games in the country. But one thing that has made me super pissed off is that they eliminated The Rhyme, the old-school rap channel. It was #65 on the XM dial, but now there is no #65. Sirius had Backspin, which basically served the same function, but instead of merging the two channels into one, they eliminated the format altogether. The rap that they play on the two remaining stations (Hip Hop Nation and Shade 45, a channel run by Eminem) are all playing shit like T-Pain, Paul Wall, etc. The Rhyme was never a great channel (it always played way too much "old school" stuff from Newcleus and Kurtis Blow, as well as too many "pop-rap" songs from Biggie and Salt-N-Pepa, as well as their strange Tupac obsession), but it was the best that was available, and they did have some great shows like Subsoniq Classix. I will really miss that channel, and if they don't bring it back, I'm going to write them once a week -- Andy Dufresne style -- until they bring it back.

************

I made myself a mix-cd for my trip to Buffalo, and I really like it. The last one I had made wasn't all that great in my estimation. (I did give it another listen on the way home and it was actually pretty good after all. Amazing how distance can do that.)

Here is the track list:

On this disc is my current obsession on track #16 -- "Hail, Mary" by Shearwater.

I have a weird, obscure taste in music, some say, where I basically shun almost any songs that are played on the radio (in the playlist above, you will notice Boz Skaggs and AIC noticeably excepted). I actually threw one of my own creations and one of my buddy Bruce's songs on there too, just for the hell of it. But every six months or so, I will get obsessed with a song to the point where I will listen to it over and over again. I rarely listen to an album more than once in a given week, but some songs just grab me by the cojones and get inside my head so that I have to listen to them over and over. Some past examples of these songs include:

"Ghostwriter" by RJD2, which was my ringtone for about a year
"Fireman So Cold (A-Trak Blend)" by Li'l Wayne
"Jacksonville" by Sufjan Stevens
"Dirtywhirl" by TV on the Radio
"Big Bang" by Aesop Rock
"My Heart" by The Blow
"Can't Face Up" by Sloan
"Any Major Dude Will Tell You" by Steely Dan
"Way Down in the Hole" by Tom Waits (probably because it reminds me of The Wire)
"Avril 14" by Aphex Twin

I now have a feeling that this damn song is going to be added to the list. It's very folky and atmospheric, before building into a crescendo that comes crashing down. I'm not sure what it's about, but to say it is dark is a classic understatement. I don't mean to build it up, because it might not "wow" anybody else, but it just hit me the right way at the right time. If you want to see a video of it, click here.

****************

So yeah, I know it's not interesting, but it's weird how music kinda ruled my life this week. Hopefully next week my life will be ruled by something more cool. Doubtful.

Election '08 Aftermath

2008-11-06T22:03:00.000-05:00

One negative side effect of the Obama win I never anticipated...

Obama Win Causes Obsessive Supporters To Realize How Empty Their Lives Are

I'm Proud of Ya, Onondaga!

2008-11-06T18:15:00.006-05:00

Here is how the votes shook out by county in New York state. The size of each circle is the relative size of the county by population. (As you can see, the state had a 1.1% "protest vote" as well.) Click the picture for a larger view.

People tend to think of Upstate NY as conservative country, but it looks like he took the three big cities along I-90 by a comfortable margin. Nicely done!

By the way, if you are either still looking for that last fix of Election season, or if you just love Behind-the-Scenes dirt, make sure you read Newsweek's scintillating seven-part Secrets of the Campaign, starting at Chapter 1. It is a narrative of reports that were forbidden to be published until after election day. It is mesmerizing, no matter who you were for. The more I read it, the more I respect McCain, admire Obama, and feel sorry for Hillary for relying on incompetents.

Joe the Plumber

2008-11-02T19:03:00.004-05:00

I know a lot of guys like Joe the Plumber. Where I live, guys like Joe the Plumber are a dime a dozen. Let's check the profile:

White, check.

Blue-collar, check.

Works with his hands, check.

Opinionated, check.

Joe the Plumber, in his circle of friends, is the one that probably goes down to the local townie bar in Toledo, starts knocking 'em back, talking about how this country is going down the tubes because of affirmative action, Mexicans, and a departure from "American values" (whatever the hell those actually are). He probably advocates turning Iraq "into a parking lot!" right before he goes to the jukebox to play that Toby Keith "Put a Boot Up Your Ass" song. When he's done speaking his mind, one of his buddies jumps in and says, "Tell us how you really feel!" as the table erupts into back-slapping and uproarious laughter.

Joe probably watches NASCAR, thinks that "Here's Your Sign" guy is a real cut-up, and gets most of his information from Fox News. He's probably used the term "hell in a handbasket" more than once when referring to the country's future. And because he's a white, blue-collar midwesterner, you better not EVER question HIS patriotism!

Of course, he has no problems questioning anyone else's, especially some BLACK from Hawaii...

Am I calling Joe the Plumber a racist? Of course not, I have no idea if he is or not. But while John McCain seems fascinated that there is a man out there who is so brazen -- so BRAVE -- as to question Barack Obama and call him out on his dastardly "wealth-spreading" (and thereby giving McCain a message that he himself couldn't establish in months of campaigning), I see guys like this all the time. They are in my IT department, at the tire store, on their cell-phones while walking through Wal-Marts. If you are talking about politics at a party, they will jump in with, "No, I'll tell you what, HERE's how it is..." right before telling you how the world REALLY works.

Joe the Plumber is nothing special. Since John McCain pals around with a group of Senators and millionaires, he couldn't see that the handyman with which he became so smitten is about as ordinary a human being as you can get. And since when did it become okay for ordinary people to become famous at such a rapid rate?

If you are impressed by Joe the Plumber, you are probably someone who doesn't know very many interesting people. And the fact that the so-called "liberal media" is constantly trying to get his views on the world, we just might not have that many interesting people in the world at all.

UPDATE:

Please watch this if you need any more proof that this fucktard knows nothing. Atta boy, Rick Sanchez!

Only Four Days Left!!!!! Don't Get Comfy!!!!

2008-10-31T12:18:00.000-04:00

Michael Goldfarb: Dipshit

2008-10-30T23:41:00.002-04:00

What a fucking embarrassment for this douche...

Oh my God he wants to say "Jeremiah Wright" soooo bad. Say it Goldfarb, SAY IT!

Apparently Liddy Dole is an Evil Whore Too

2008-10-30T23:33:00.001-04:00

Look at this slimy attack ad on Kay Hagan by the whore wife of Bob Dole...

Desperate times...

UPDATE: Here is the response video.

Number One Phanatic

2008-10-30T20:52:00.004-04:00

We are having an eventful week in my family. Next week, this nation will elect its first black president. Although I'm not black (no jokes, Cialini), I think it is going to be a defining, quantum leap in the history of this country, along the lines of voting rights for women and the end of prohibition.

But last night something that I truly NEVER thought I would see finally happened.

The Philadelphia Phillies won the world series.

I grew up in Rochester, but since I was a little kid, the Phillies were THE baseball team in my house. (I morphed into somewhat of a Baltimore fan around '89, but the Phils were always my NL team.)

We got that way mostly because of my Uncle Jim, husband of my Aunt Peg, my old man's sister. Uncle Jim was a hard drinker and without a doubt the most profane man I ever met ... and that's why we all loved him. He was also the greatest baseball fan that ever walked the face of the earth, more than Bob Costas, Billy Crystal and Harry Carey combined. He knew everything about every team, every player and watched every game he could. But when he moved to New Jersey, he adopted the Phillies as his baseball obsession, and he passed that obsession onto me and my siblings.

When Uncle Jim passed away a little over seven years ago, he passed the torch of #1 Phillies fan to my "little" brother Mike. The last time the Phillies won the World Series was 1980, and my brother wasn't even 2 years old. They made the World Series in 1993, but had their hearts broken by Joe Carter and Mitch Williams.

Sports success has never been abundant in my family. In 2003, when Syracuse won the NCAA basketball championship, it was the first time any team I had ever followed -- ever -- had won a championship. I was 27 years old. And though we all take a bit of ownership in this Phillies championship in my family, every last one of us was giving a big ol' cosmic hug to my brother the moment Lidge struck out that last Tampa Bay batter. You hear about how Red Sox fans who had been waiting their whole lives finally were able to appreciate the Sox winning the Series in 2004; you better believe that those octogenarians had nothing on Mike. His sports obsession finally closed the deal and I'm more happy for him than anything.

And yet as happy as I am for the Phils, I feel just a hint of sadness inside, knowing that I personally am still missing that one elusive sports trophy that can finally put me at peace. I haven't talked about the Bills that much this year, because they were on a roll and I knew that any mention I made of them would jinx it. But here we are, having lost 2 of 3 games, but I still have hope. I'm not sure they are a playoff team yet -- let alone a Super Bowl team -- but they look like they have something, if they can keep healthy and keep their composure. They make me really really nervous, but they have pretty much done that for the twenty years I've followed them so that's nothing new.

But my hope remains, because if we can elect a black president, and if the losingest team in all of sports can win the World Series, then maybe it's time.

A Choo Choo Charlie and a .... CLASS AAACT!

2008-10-28T21:36:00.003-04:00

Some quick-hit thoughts about my first half-cross-country train trip:

I spent over 13 hours on the train, each way. 26 hours total. The train was the Lakeshore Limited, traveling from NYC to Chicago and points in between. It was pretty much on time the whole trip, which apparently is rare for this line known as the "Late-shore."
I got excited arriving in Chicago on Friday morning, but even more excited arriving in Syracuse on Monday.
I slept probably a total of 6 hours, which isn't bad, but it wasn't a deep sleep. Every bump in the track made me jump awake, and in both directions someone decided to be loud. Heading west around 1am, a mouthy know-it-all got on the plane and began to pontificate everything he knew about trains, travel and American history to the stranger next to him, all while the rest of the car was trying to sleep. At about 4am heading west, a woman (who's voice was identical to Mia Farrow's, by the way) began yelling at her (I'm guessing) husband about "who unlocked the door!" Apparently one of the kids locked the door, and then suddenly it was unlocked, and she wanted to know WHO THE HELL UNLOCKED THE DOOR for about 40 minutes before she slammed closed her cell phone before storming into the restroom sobbing. Of course, she went from Chicago to Syracuse, depriving me of more sleep. In fact, I was surprised by how many people were going to Syracuse from Chicago.
Since I knew I'd have unlimited train time, I brought the entire three-box set of all three extended versions of The Lord of the Rings in case I got bored. I got halfway through "The Return of the King." I was never actually bored. I turned the iPod on for maybe an hour total, and got through about 5 pages of one magazine. I had two seat-mates on the way to Chicago and sat all by my lonesome on the way back.
I enjoyed traveling across the country, because even though it took so much longer, it was cool to travel through different cities (even though there wasn't much to look at in Buffalo, Sandusky, Toledo or Gary, at least at their train stations) and arrive somewhere. It felt more like a journey. Also, I wasn't 1/10 as nervous on the train as I would have been on a plane. Irrational to be sure, but it got me through the trip. Plus it was only $136, round-trip.
Union Station in Chicago is smaller than I expected, but it's clean and the people who work there are friendly. In fact, the people in Chicago -- and I'm told, the Midwest in general -- were so much friendlier than in New York, Philly, D.C., Boston or almost any other large East Coast city I've been to. Everyone I dealt with there was incredibly nice and helpful, and no matter what they were doing, they didn't act like they hated their jobs or their lives. Everyone from the baggage claim guy to the gal behind the bar at the station restaurant to the Hertz rental guy to the baggage check guy was friendly, smiling, helpful and pleasant. Plus, the station is where they filmed the "staircase scene" in The Untouchables, which is awesome!
Another note about Chicago, the city. It's a great place, brimming with life and culture, and unlike most cities (I'm talking to you, New York), it doesn't feel a constant need to TELL YOU how great it is, but rather, it just IS. On the other hand, it's a very hard-to-navigate city in that if you don't know the local areas, you have to circle around a dozen times because you missed the sign -- if there ever was one -- the first time.
I walked in on a woman taking a leak (I hope) when she didn't lock her door. She slammed her door angrily, but maybe if she had been paying attention she wouldn't have had to worry about it. All I said was, "Oops." I mean, it was a full door, so I couldn't check for shoes. I do have to say, the train did smell like pee from time to time.
I don't know that I could ever make the trip alone, but I'm kinda glad I made it in the first place. It's the furthest I've ever traveled by myself, and it didn't go completely without a hitch.

Epilogue: I would highly recommend travel by train if you have no hurry to get to where you need to go, and like to just relax while gliding across the country. I wish it maybe wouldn't have taken so long, but as long as you keep enough stuff around you to keep from being bored, you'll be fine.

Too CHI CHI ... Hush Hush, Eye to Eye

2008-10-21T22:13:00.003-04:00

I am going to take a train for the first time on Thursday, going from Syracuse to Chicago, all along the Great Lakes. It is 666 miles each way, and approximately 13 hours. I have lots of concerns about this trip, some technological, some situational.

For example, will I have enough battery power in my phone, iPod and laptop to give me enough entertainment hours for the trip? Will there be electrical outlets?

What will I do on the computer? Will it have wi-fi? Will I be able to be on the internet, or blog?

Will there be enough light for me to read the 20 or so magazines and books I'm going to bring?

Will I be able to sleep on a moving train? Will my newly-purchased neck pillow assist me in sleeping upright? Will I need to bring some Tylenol PM or NyQuil with me?

Is there going to be enough room for me to keep all my crap and have some leg room? Should I check my baggage or keep it right next to me?

Is someone going to try and talk my ear off on the train ride? Or should I take the trip with a semi-psychotic look so that everyone leaves me alone?

Since the trip is overnight, am I going to be able to see any of the scenery outside? Like picturesque Lake Erie?

Will all my reading material be exhausted? My bag is stuffed to the gills with magaizines (Draft, All About Beer, Entertainment Weekly, Newsweek, The New Republic, Mother Jones, Blender), beeriodicals, and books (Catch-22 and Down and Dirty Pictures). Should I throw out all the magazines once I'm done with them?

Can I bring beer from Illinois back on the train? Or does it violate some kind of ridiculous interstate beer laws?

Is the train going to stay on the rails? What if there is a dastardly man who covertly pulls the lever on the railroad switch and sends me to Topeka?!?!

Basically, if there is another blog anytime after next Monday, you'll know I made it.

Obama Where Art Thou?

2008-10-13T01:11:00.005-04:00

McCain-Palin = Racist
McCain-Palin = Racist
McCain-Palin = Racist

Watch this old pedophile compare Senator Obama to a primate.

McCain-Palin = Racist
McCain-Palin = Racist
McCain-Palin = Racist

McCain will be a man of constant sorrow when he realizes who these mongoloids are that are supporting him.

McCain-Palin = Racist
McCain-Palin = Racist
McCain-Palin = Racist

Adlai's Prescience

2008-10-11T01:43:00.003-04:00

Been reading about former Illinois Governor and two-time presidential hopeful Adlai Stephenson a bit, and had some really interesting quotes from him that seem to really be relevant today.

The whole notion of loyalty inquisitions is a national characteristic of the police state, not of democracy. The history of Soviet Russia is a modern example of this ancient practice. I must, in good conscience, protest against any unnecessary suppression of our rights as free men. We must not burn down the house to kill the rats. (1950)

What counts now is not just what we are against, but what we are for. Who leads us is less important than what leads us — what convictions, what courage, what faith — win or lose. A man doesn't save a century, or a civilization, but a militant party wedded to a principle can. (1952)

True Patriotism, it seems to me, is based on tolerance and a large measure of humility. ... Men who have offered their lives for their country know that patriotism is not the fear of something; it is the love of something. (1952)
A wise man does not try to hurry history. Many wars have been avoided by patience and many have been precipitated by reckless haste. (1952)

In matters of national security emotion is no substitute for intelligence, nor rigidity for prudence. To act coolly, intelligently and prudently in perilous circumstances is the test of a man — and also a nation. (1955)

Unreason and anti-intellectualism abominate thought. Thinking implies disagreement; and disagreement implies nonconformity; and nonconformity implies heresy; and heresy implies disloyalty — so, obviously, thinking must be stopped. But shouting is not a substitute for thinking and reason is not the subversion but the salvation of freedom. (1954)

You can tell the size of a man by the size of the thing that makes him mad. (1956)

Giving advice to a young politician: "Never run against a war hero." (Year unknown)

...and my favorite, and the one that resonates the most with me in today's climate:

When a woman said to him during his 1956 presidential campaign, "Senator, you have the vote of every thinking person!" Stevenson replied, "That's not enough, madam, we need a majority!"