100 Years ... 100 Movies ... and about 50 WTFs

Those of you who are regular subscribers to this little newsletter have likely noticed my penchant for lists. I have lists upon lists of blogs sitting in "draft" status right now, just waiting to be finished.

I think the genesis of this obsession with lists was about 10 years ago, when the American Film Institute created their first list of many: "100 Years ... 100 Movies." This list was created at just about the 100 year mark of filmmaking in the United States, and began the unenviable task of narrowing down a century's worth of films into a neat little 100-movie package. When this list originally came out, I worked at a video store, at the zygote stage of my film-geek phase -- a phase that's gone on 10 years and counting -- and I vowed someday to see every last one of those movies.

Well flash forward nearly a decade later and there are still several of the selections from the original list that I have yet to view. And by several, I mean half. As much as I fancy myself a film scholar, I do often have trouble finishing some of the pre-Brando black and white movies, with their melodramatic acting and their cloying violin music. Some of those great films of that era (such as Witness for the Prosecution, right off the top of my head) have snuck up on me and surprised me, but I prefer modern cinema overall. And those people who say that the last decade of movies were no good clearly weren't paying attention.

Last night, the AFI unveiled their updated list of the 100 greatest movies. Now I know you are probably thinking the same thing that I am: "In 10 years, how can so many movies have gotten so much better or worse? Wasn't this a definitive list? Were there tons of new movies from the last 10 years added?" Sadly, no: only 4 movies from the last 10 years of eligibility were added. (A terrific breakdown of the differences between the 1998 list and the 2007 list can be found here and here.)

Since I didn't have a blog in 1998 (did anyone?) I didn't have a chance to ruminate, pontificate and just plain babble about my feelings about these choices. So luckily for you, I will correct this error forthwith. Here's how it works: I will make a brief comment about each film in question, and note whether I believe it belongs in the top 100 films of all time. (I will strike through the films I have not seen, and yes, there are probably a lot of them. Looking down at the list, there are 22 movies on the list I haven't seen from beginning to end, so that's roughly 1/5.) I will also note whether I think the film is too high or too low, when applicable. Ready? Here we go...

(Oh and before I forget, usually I would reorder these from 100 down to 1 for dramatic effect, but the AFI has shown itself to be so arbitrary with anything outside the top 10 that I figured why bother...)

1. "Citizen Kane" (1941)
I was a little disappointed with this one since it was #1 on the previous 1998 list. It seemed to me that conventional wisdom had shifted "The Godfather" to #1 in the last decade. Don't get me wrong, "Citizen Kane" is one of the best movies ever made, and possibly the most influential in terms of technique, but in my opinion, it doesn't hold up to be the revelation that it did in 1941. The rise and fall of a tycoon is always a compelling story, but it doesn't quite have the same oomph that it had way back when. If you haven't seen it, don't expect to be blown away by it. But it's a top ten film, for sure. YES

2. "The Godfather" (1972)
If I had to come up with a number one out of the top five of this list, "The Godfather" would be my no-brainer. It is an allegory of America, our humble beginnings, and when the American dream leads to something bad. It's on an epic scale; it's violent, it's beautifully directed, and it's probably the shortest 3-hour movie ever made. Brando gives his signature performance, and just about everything else about the film is iconic. It's an absolute masterpiece (as is it's sequel at #32, more on that later). Good lord YES.

3. "Casablanca" (1942)
Arguably the most romantic movie ever made. In fact, the hell with that, it's not even arguable. Bogey and Bergman's star-crossed love is heartbreaking, and yet inspiring at the same time. But below the overarching theme of impossible love is one of the most sharply-written and witty films ever produced. Bogey's Rick is a fully fleshed character, and the scene where he sits alone at the bar after seeing Ilsa for the first time in years is heart-wrenching. YES

4. "Raging Bull" (1980)
This movie made a major jump into the top five. (It wasn't in the top 20 before.) And boy am I glad. Since Marty Scorsese has made so many amazing films in the last three decades, they tend to cancel each other out. This one is a true artistic opus; the story of a boxer whose animalistic tendencies cause him to lose control of his life, and ultimately lose everything he ever cared about. DeNiro gained something like 50 pounds for this movie, and it's one of the truly great performances in the history of cinema.

5. "Singin' in the Rain" (1952)
Okay, I have to admit that I really like this movie, but even though it's a musical, it's not as gay as you might think. The romance between Gene Kelly and Debbie Reynolds is equitable, and the story is well written. The music is quite good, and the dancing is really unbelievable. It actually has a good story and a fun ending, and really that's more than I expected. Maybe not top five for me, but a YES.

6. "Gone With the Wind" (1939)
I know, I know. What the hell kind of movie geek am I? I do own it, and it's currently sitting in my DVD player if that somehow salvages my reputation.

7. "Lawrence of Arabia" (1962)
Here's the first chink in the armor. I know that this is considered one of the defining epic movies, and maybe I just wasn't in the mood to watch it that time I did, but I found this movie boring as all get-out. I wasn't really interested in the T.S. Lawrence character that much, and the battle scenes, while definitely on a grand scale, just didn't quite do it for me. I should like this movie, I know, but I still give it a NO.

8. "Schindler's List" (1993)
This is an outstanding motion picture, and it's very well-crafted, and I think it is very important in some ways, but I also think that the movie gets a little bit of a bump here because it is important. The subject matter here is pretty heady stuff, and for a popcorn movie director like Spielberg to jump to this kind of important film was a big step. But as good as the movie is, I still think it does get a bit more credit than it deserves because it is "important." I think in terms of pure cinema, there are a lot of people who would not put "Schindler's List" as the best film of the 1990s (which the AFI, in effect, has done here). Having said that, it's a great movie, and YES.

9. "Vertigo" (1958)
Here was another shocker, since this movie was much lower on the list last year. I haven't seen this one in quite a while, but I did see it in my Hitchcock phase in college. To me, it maybe doesn't hold up as well as it does for others. I still find the story (a man loses his wife and then falls in love with a woman who looks just like her) to be a little over-dramatic. But, when it comes to technique and suspense, it's a worthy film. YES. I'll probably have to see it again.

10. "The Wizard of Oz" (1939)
Who doesn't love this movie? Cynical bastards, that's who. It is one of the most imaginative movies ever made, based on one of the more imaginative stories. The movie really removes the Populist subtext of the Frank L. Baum story and turns it into sheer fantasy. I just can't imagine what it must have been like in 1939 to be in a theater and watch that first scene go from black-and-white to color. Almost makes me wish I was around during the depression. It's a fantasy, and it's otherworldly, but always grounded in simple ideas (courage, heart, wisdom, home). It's a universal story and a solid YES.

11. "City Lights" (1931)
It's been a long time since I have seen this one, and I do remember this: it has one of the most touching endings of any movie ever made. Overall, I'm not a HUGE Chaplin fan (give me Buster Keaton or even Harold Lloyd any day), but this is a sweet story about a bum who falls in love with a blind girl and has to pretend he's a millionaire so she doesn't find out he's just a bum. It's hard for me to watch silent movies because I'm a fast reader and there is so much downtime. (Why can't they re-edit them with captions?) But this one's a YES.

12. "The Searchers" (1956)
I really want to see this movie. I really do.

13. "Star Wars" (1977)
Just about anyone who has ever met me knows that I used to be a serious Star Wars geek. I had a website dedicated to it in college for a while (when it wasn't yet "cool" again), and have a minor assemblange of paraphernalia from the movie. And while I have cooled on the merits of the trilogy as a whole (and on George Lucas as a director in particular), this still stands up as one of the most iconic films ever created, even though "The Empire Strikes Back" is technically a better movie. It's fun, it's exciting, it's inspiring. Oh, and it revolutionized moviemaking forever. YES.

14. "Psycho" (1960)
So many of these movies' merits have been dulled by the passage of time and the loss of perspective. When this movie came out, it was like "The Sixth Sense" was in 1999; the ending was a secret, and it was an "event" picture. A real phenomenon. Looking at it now, there is a lot of technical and structural brilliance throughout, notably the killing of the main character in the first half hour (oops, did I give that away?). But the suspense doesn't quite hold up. It's still fun and creepy, but not timeless. Besides, the whole "explanation" of what happened at the end -- after the revelation of the Big Secret -- feels tacked on and anticlimactic. I love ya, Hitch, but I gotta say, purely at face value, NO.

15. "2001: A Space Odyssey" (1968)
I will be honest: I don't totally get this movie. I watched it for the first time many years ago, and though I have my theories (the monolith represents man's evolution, and we see Dave's evolution by way of "rebirth"), but I still don't quite get it. I will say this: much of it is kind of boring, like the retro-'60s futuristic equipment, but much of it is compelling, like Dave's struggle with HAL and the glorious rush through psychedelic space at the end. Those elements alone make it a YES.

16. "Sunset Boulevard" (1950)
I am a huge Billy Wilder fan. I think he was one of the most modern directors of his era, and his films hold up incredibly today. But this isn't really one of my favorites. I get the idea: aging actress, loses her mind because she's not famous anymore. To me, the "movies about movies" genre is kind of boring. Maybe this was more relevant or maybe more shocking for its day, but for me, the fact that Norma Desmond never changed from being a psychotic living in her own fantasy world really hinders the movie from having any emotional resonance. Sorry Billy boy, NO dice.

17. "The Graduate" (1967)
This movie is aged and overrated. It's not bad, but it does not hold up well today. Dustin Hoffmann is tremendous as the neurotic recent college graduate, and I'm sure it taps into some sort of post-college aimlessness ("Garden State" owes a lot to it), but to me it's really a trashy paperback novel that improved slightly. It's a tough call, but I have to say NO.

18. "The General" (1927)
This movie is truly TRULY amazing. It is all physical comedy with the stonefaced Buster Keaton. Now, to pull off all the visual effects for this movie, a modern director would use CGI and special effects. But this was 1927, and there were no special effects. Everything Keaton did in this movie (most of which takes place aboard a moving train) was done for real. No camera tricks, no stunt men. Watch it and be amazed. YES.

19. "On the Waterfront" (1954)
If you ever wondered by Marlon Brando is considered by many to be the first great "modern" actor, look no further. Everyone remembers the "I coulda been a contendah" scene, but the movie as a whole is a testament to Brando's brilliance, and to the triumph of the human spirit against corruption. To me, the final triumphant scene where Terry Malloy goes back to work, beaten up and bloody, is one of the great inspiring scenes in movies. YES

20. "It's a Wonderful Life" (1946)
It's kind of a shame that this movie has been put in the ghetto of Christmas Movies, because though it takes place during that time, it's really a movie about the importance of a seemingly unimportant man. It just happens to take place in December. I suspect that for those who aren't force-fed it every year, it might be startlingly fresh and touching. Plus, it's hilarious when my little brother yells "Merry Christmas old Building & Loan!" just like Jimmy Stewart. YES

21. "Chinatown" (1974)
This movie is not perfect, but it's great. I personally don't think that Roman Polanski is that great a director, and I think if this were directed by a more naturalistic director of the time, like Hal Ashby or Alan Pakula, it would have been even better. As-is, it's a crazy story about corruption, politics, and incest. I took a class on this film and it is just crawling with Greek symbolism, notably of the Oedipal variety. Jack Nicholson gives a great performance as hard-boiled private eye Jake Gittes, and the ending is devestating. YES

22. "Some Like It Hot" (1959)
While I don't know that I'd necessarily consider this the funniest or greatest comedy ever made, it's quite funny. What could be funnier, after all, then Jack Lemmon and Tony Curtis dressing up like chicks? Plus Marilyn Monroe is in her prime, and is actually a decent actress. The end, where Lemmon gets his gender role confused, is inspired and really ahead of its time. (The whole mob subplot is the only weak point of the film.) And of course, it casts the phrase "nobody's perfect" into a whole new light. YES.

23. "The Grapes of Wrath" (1940)
Love the book, have to really prepare myself to see the movie.

24. "E.T. -- The Extra-Terrestrial" (1982)
Holy crap did I cry when I saw this movie at the theater. The story of Elliot and E.T.'s friendship is so universal, and it's inspiring. When we see that E.T. is going to go home, we are happy, but we legitimately will miss him. Oh, and about crying while seeing it at the theater ... did I mention that was at the re-release in 2002? YES.

25. "To Kill a Mockingbird" (1962)
I saw this film again a couple of years ago and was struck by how good it still is. It really really holds up well. At the center, of course, is Atticus Finch, who is played with such strength and integrity by Gregory Peck. Seen through the eyes of his daughter, it takes her a while to see what adults who barely know Atticus can see right off the bat: that he is a remarkable man. One of the few movies that actually holds up to an equally great books. YES.

26. "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington" (1939)
Another Jimmy Stewart/Frank Capra movie. This one is about the wide-eyed young congressman who comes to Washington to make real changes, and ends up exposed to the corruption he sees. It's very inspiring in that it shows that small people can make a difference if they fight for what they believe in. It's a very good movie, and made to inspire. Is it top 100 of all time? Uhhhmmmmm..... I'm gonna say NO, but just barely.

27. "High Noon" (1952)
I love this movie a lot. It's shot in real-time (ie. 85 minutes in the movie equals 85 minutes in real life). And it's not the typical Western with good vs evil. It's about one good man who tries to round up a posse to protect the town from an evil gunman. But he can find no one to help him. It's a study in both cowardice and heroism. Gary Cooper's portrayal of Kane is the embodiment of bravery in the face of insurmountable odds. It's no surprise that it's the favorite movie of many American Presidents. YES.

28. "All About Eve" (1950)
There are movies about the entertainment industry, and there is "All About Eve," which is less about "Hollywood" than it is about the bitchy, backstabbing nature of people trying to get to the top. It is a wildly entertaining, soap opera, where a young ingenue (that would be Eve) tries to get one up on Broadway star Margo Channing. What happens is a torrent of double-crossing and two-facedness, and the whole thing is an incredible hoot. I say YES.

29. "Double Indemnity" (1944)
I work in the insurance industry and have never seen this. Shameful. Although I have seen the first half.

30. "Apocalypse Now" (1979)
Sometimes horrifying, always surreal, this movie cannot really be explained, other than it's a boat ride that goes deeper and deeper into hell on earth. It's based on "Heart of Darkness" by Joseph Conrad, but adds depth, such as the idea that each length of the journey is actually sending these men back in time, and therefore deeper into barbarism. It's long so it's kind of hard to get through, but it's a very important film. YES.

31. "The Maltese Falcon" (1941)
This one is iconic, but I can't really put it on the list. It's too confusing, and though Bogey is as cool as a cucumber in this flick, it just doesn't really do the job for me. Seems too stagey, like it isn't taking place in the real world, but on a soundstage somewhere. NO

32. "The Godfather, Part II" (1974)
In some ways, this film is superior to the original. It manages to build on the themes of the original film, but also create its own story. The film is brilliant basically for two reasons, both regarding parallels: 1) the parallel between young Vito Corleone and current Michael Corleone; one scrapping to survive, the other living the high life. And 2) the way that every major event of the first film is met with a parallel -- but watered-down and debased -- version in the second film (the religious ceremony at the beginning of each, the assassination attempts, the meetings with the Five Families/Corporations). The two films together are a masterwork; both succeeding very well on their own levels, but transcendently as a tandem. (The third one sucks, though, don't bother.) This is arguably the greatest sequel ever made, and if it weren't for "Lord of the Rings" there would be no argument. YES.

33. "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" (1975)
Possibly Jack Nicholson's greatest performance, and that's saying a lot. The story of a sane man among a bunch of crazies still holds the test of time after so many years, in an asylum that is run so much more like a prison. There are some really great scenes, including where Nicholson acts out the baseball game they're not allowed to watch on TV and the final, dramatic scene where the Chief does what Nicholson couldn't. It really holds up, even today. YES.

34. "Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs" (1937)
I guess this is another one where perspective is somewhat skewed, because today it really doesn't look like much (antiquated animation, a snail's pace) but at the time it appears that it was a bit of a revolutionary idea: the first feature-length animated film. For that reason, I guess I have to put it in the YES pile, but not sure how I feel about it.

35. "Annie Hall" (1977)
One of the best and most literate comedies ever made, and one of the first films to break through the "fourth wall." It might be the first "meta" comedy. It is brilliant, and is one of the first movies I ever really studied. It's structure, it's psychological themes, its character study and -- most importantly -- its humor are all just perfect. YES

36. "The Bridge on the River Kwai" (1957)
I only saw this movie once, and it was a long time ago, and I wasn't paying 100% attention, so I'm sure it didn't have the impact on me that it should have. I am going to see it again, I think. I'll say PASS until then.

37. "The Best Years of Our Lives" (1946)
One of the shortest three-hour movies ever made. This is a beautiful and sometimes heartbreaking story about three soldiers after WWII and how they struggle to adjust to civiilian life. They all have different conditions and situations, but they all have trouble adapting. It is off-the-charts melodramatic, but every single scene rings true. Outstanding, YES.

38. "The Treasure of the Sierra Madre" (1948)
I like this movie, but I don't think I would necessarily put it in my top 100. It's pretty old school (and has the great "we don't need no stinkin' badges" line), but it's a little too staged for me. The casting is excellent, and it makes a great point about greed and the nature of man, but I wouldn't put it up there at face value. I'm gonna say NO.

39. "Dr. Strangelove" (1964)
Possibly the greatest satire ever made. This comedy about the atomic bomb is both terrifying and hilarious. Peter Sellers gives not one but three of the great comedic performances of the 20th century. (The scene where the president talks to the drunken Soviet premier is a master class of subtle comic genius.) I love this movie a lot. "You can't fight in here, this is the war room!" YES.

40. "The Sound of Music" (1965)
I haven't seen this movie since I was a kid but from what I remember it's really great, an epic about a family of musicians who escape from the Nazis. I'm going to try and check it out again next Easter, but for now I'll say YES.

41. "King Kong" (1933)

42. "Bonnie and Clyde" (1967)

43. "Midnight Cowboy" (1969)
This movie is about as dated as it gets, not only with the late '60s hairstyles and the Andy Warhol art class showing up, but this story about a male prostitute in NYC seems almost quaint (espeically considering it's X-rating at the time). I know it was groundbreaking, and it has a few iconic scenes (the "I'm walkin' here!" scene and the final, heartbreaking bus ride) but overall I think it doesn't quite hold up at face value. I'm gonna have to say NO, not one of the top 100.

44. "The Philadelphia Story" (1940)
This is about as close to a warm fuzzy blanket as any movie can get. It's the story of Kate Hepburn, and both Cary Grant and Jimmy Stewart are in love with her. There is conflict, but it is all good-natured. There is drama, but not the kind that will make you cringe. It's like the perfect little movie for a Sunday afternoon. The performances are all great, and the writing is top-notch. YES.

45. "Shane" (1953)

46. "It Happened One Night" (1934)
This is probably, pound for pound, a better Frank Capra movie that "It's a Wonderful Life." Clark Gable and Claudette Colbert (last name pronounced like Stephen) are on a wild trip and can't stand each other. Naturally, the end up falling in love, and the final scenes where Gable has to track down Colbert and win her over are as tense and exciting as any comedy of the era. YES

47. "A Streetcar Named Desire" (1951)

48. "Rear Window" (1954)
For my money, this is Hitchcock's best film. It's the most exciting, and also has so much depth when dealing with topics like voyeurism (even back in 1954) and gender roles. (Rarely were there female characters in those days with the backbone and determination of Grace Kelly's character; she was every bit Jimmy Stewart's equal.) It's fun, but with depth, and what could be better than that? YES

49. "Intolerance" (1916)

50. "Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring" (2001)
In my opinion, "Return of the King" should go here, but to say that any one of the "LOTR" movies is better than any of the other ones is like saying that cocaine is far superior to crack: face it, they're both awesome! I consider this the slot to honor all the "LOTR" movies, and if you ask me this should be in the top ten. There have not been 49 movies made in the last century better than the "Lord of the Rings" trilogy. There might not be ten better movies. This is a YES, under protest, because slot 50 is simply too low. YES

51. "West Side Story" (1961)
To admit that I like this movie is to admit a few things I'm not ready to admit right now. Let's just call it a YES and leave it at that.

52. "Taxi Driver" (1976)
One of the iconic movies of the counterculture of the 1970s. Aside from the mohawk and the "you talkin' to me" scene, this movie reeks of desperation, cynicism and disillusion. Travis Bickle is not an anti-hero, because he is a fairly evil guy. Rarely is the protagonist of a film someone so reprehensible, and DeNiro plays it perfectly, a mix of misguided eagerness to please the wrong people and the hatred to attempt an assissination. The fact that he is seen as some sort of hero at the end adds the perfect ironic exclamation point to a terrifying film. YES.

53. "The Deer Hunter" (1978)
Okay here we go. I really hate this movie. If they could have trimmed an hour off it, I'm sure it would have been better. The Russian roulette scene, for example, is pretty harrowing, but the rest of the movie is a slog through the boring parts of a person's life. A lot of DeNiro and Meryl Streep walking .... nowhere. A lot of celebrating at a wedding, and a lot of boring standing around at that wedding. This was the magnum opus of director Michael Cimino, and it seemed to fool enough people of the time due to its weighty subject matter (Vietnam), but as he went on to prove in duds like "The Sicilian" and "Heaven's Gate," the guy just doesn't know what scenes to leave on the cutting room floor. NO.

54. "M*A*S*H" (1970)
Better than the (admittedly excellent) TV show of the same name, this is Robert Altman's crowning achievement (other than "Short Cuts," I suppose). Like "Dr. Strangelove," it takes a very serious topic (Korea, filling in for Vietnam) and milks it for both humor and pathos. The interplay between Trapper John and Hawkeye is like the best buddy movie, and yet we also see the horrors of war. All told, it's really the story of people trying to keep their sanity in an insane situation. If viewed as that, it can be seen as a testament to human adaptation.

55. "North by Northwest" (1959)
Hitchcock is well represented on this list, but I have to say that this is possibly his most overrated of the films listed here. There are some good action sequences (including the crop-duster scene the movie is famous for), but I think the thing that ruined it for me was the very fake-looking climax on a very fake-looking Mount Rushmore. Maybe for its time it was really ground-breaking, but it ain't now. I will give a reluctant NO.

56. "Jaws" (1975)
I can't add to everything that's ever been said other than that "we're gonna need a bigger boat" is possibly the greatest line in the history of cinema. YES.

57. "Rocky" (1976)
This movie resonates so strongly with people because it is a microcosm of what the American Dream really is, and in a very tangible way. Rocky is a down-n-out loser, but through hard work and the support of a great girl and a rag-tag group in his corner, he's able to claw his way up near the top. The sequels (especially number 5) may have sullied the legacy of the character somewhat, but this one remains an inspiring drama. YES.

58. "The Gold Rush" (1925)
Umm ...... I'll just say NO.

59. "Nashville" (1975)
When I first saw this movie, I never would have put it on this list, but I was in college, and I was stupid. I saw the film again, however, after 9/11, and was struck with how so many of the same themes were so relevant 26 years later. The idea of blind patriotism is the thing I was struck with, and how we tend to wrap ourselves in the flag during crises. But the charm of the movie is Altman's free-form, with the overlapping dialogue and scenes that appear to be improvised, both in acting and direction. It's a significant achievement in filmmaking. YES

60. "Duck Soup" (1933)

61. "Sullivan's Travels" (1941)
Fact: the title of the film "O Brother Where Art Thou?" came from this movie. I think the movie itself is a bit too slight. It's basically about a movie producer who wants to make an "important" movie, so he travels to poor areas to tell their story. Of course the moral is, sometimes people just want to be entertained. It's a pretty lame ass lesson if you ask me. I know Preston Sturges is a great director and all, but come on babe. NO.

62. "American Graffiti" (1973)
Although I truthfully prefer "Dazed and Confused" when it comes to these music-driven sprawling movies, this one is a killer. Great music, and a great feel for the Hot Rod era. There is no plot; there are about a half dozen of them, and you can catch early performances by Harrison Ford, Richard Dreyfuss and Suzanne Sommers. It does sometimes feel like a glorified episode of "Happy Days" but what's wrong with that? YES.

63. "Cabaret" (1972)

64. "Network" (1976)
This is one of the most sharply written movies ever made, about a TV network that lets one of its anchors go insane because it's better for ratings. Every performance is terrific (although I don't quite buy Faye Dunaway making out with an old-as-dirt William Holden). It shows how almost anyone's best intentions can be corrupted when it comes to money, power and influence. And it's a beautifully written movie (thank you, Paddy Chayefsky, you magnificent bastard). And Ned Beatty shows up out of nowhere to crank out about 3 minutes of pure venom. Great, YES.

65. "The African Queen" (1951)

66. "Raiders of the Lost Ark" (1981)
When I was a kid, I couldn't watch this movie because of the part where the guy's face melts and his eye explodes. That was totally gross. But I love the idea that Lucas and Spielberg wanted to make a "serial", like they used to have in olden times. This movie is wall-to-wall excitement, and dealing with the Arc of the Covenant is no small subject. Nor is Nazi Germany. This manages to balance both those weighty subjects with a whole lot of fun scenes. Indiana Jones is a great, iconic movie character. (By the way, did you know he was originally supposed to be played by Tom Selleck, but he refused to shave his mustache? It's true, except for the mustache part.) YES.

67. "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" (1966)
Trivia fact: this is one of the only movies in history in which each member of the cast was nominated for an Academy Award. (There were only four of them.) Based on the Edward Albee play, it essentially chronicles the final days of a bad marriage, marred by disappointment and self-deception. And of course the young couple they've invited over for dinner has to endure all the horrifying scenes. Liz Taylor and Richard Burton really go after each other in this one, and it's funny cuz they were really married at the time. If you like cringe-inducing fights between couples (and don't we all, really?), this one's for you! YES.

68. "Unforgiven" (1992)
This is a very good movie that came out in a very weak year for movies. 1992 was a watershed year for music, but a crap year for film. (The other movies were "A Few Good Men," "Scent of a Woman," "The Crying Game" and "Howard's End.") Now, it's very well written and well-acted, about the former killer William Munny who just can't seem to help killing people when he is forced to do so for good. Morgan Freeman is especially strong in this movie. It's very good, it's not top 100. NO.

69. "Tootsie" (1982)
This is one of the few movies from the 1980s on this list, and I really like it. I think it brings up a lot of really important points about equality, and unconditional love and all sorts of other issues. Plus it's really funny, and Dustin Hoffman puts in one of the best performances of his career. In fact, other than the woefully outdated Dave Grusin score (which is really ear-piercing), it still holds up pretty well. Very fun and with a lot to chew on afterward. YES.

70. "A Clockwork Orange" (1971)
My mom said she couldn't listen to "Ode To Joy" for weeks after this movie, since that's the song that Alex and the Droogs use to rob and rape. The point of the film, ostensibly, is that violence begets more violence, and that to try and rehabilitate someone violent is really futile. But this movie never struck me the way it should have. It's been years since I've seen it, and I remember it feeling a little dated, and with an ending that felt a little tacked on. I'm going to say PASS on this one, because I think I owe Mr. Kubrick a second go-'round.

71. "Saving Private Ryan" (1998)
The first half hour of this movie is probably the most harrowing opening scene in any movie in history. The brutal violence (along with the revolutionary high-speed film technique) influenced action scenes for years after, and continue to today. In my opinion, however, the movie weakens after that opening salvo. I still think the themes of honor, country, duty and brotherhood all are very important, noble themes, but if you take the action scenes out of there, the film becomes ordinary. However, the action scenes are so breathtaking that this one is an unqualified YES.

72. "The Shawshank Redemption" (1994)
This one of the five best films of the last 25 years, period, no argument. It is impeccably written, beautifully directed, and perfectly acted. Everything about it is perfect. There is nothing false or phony about it, even as implausible as the plot can be at times. It is a non-romantic love story between Andy and Red. If you see this movie and aren't somehow affected by it, then you, sir or madam, have a cold black heart. YES

73. "Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid" (1969)
Seen most of it, just not the whole thing yet. Cut me some slack.

74. "The Silence of the Lambs" (1991)
I put this in the same category as "Unforgiven" at #68: it's a very good movie, but the fact that it "swept" the Oscars that year (Picture, Director, Actor, Actress) is mainly a product of what a weak year 1991 was for films. ("Bugsy" and "The Prince of Tides" were also nominees that year.) This is probably the gold standard of both police-procedure suspense movies and serial killer movies. But 100 best ever? Gotta say NO.

75. "In the Heat of the Night" (1967)
The most wonderful part of this movie is how Rod Steiger and Sidney Poitier, two men who have nothing in common and really resent each other, come together to find common ground and truly respect one another. Their dynamic makes this movie come alive and work, in the story of a black cop who makes the mistake of getting stuck in the south. Since it's Missisippi, he ain't welcome in them thar parts, but Poitier ("They call me MMMISTA TIBBS!") doesn't take any shit from anyone, including the southern fancypants who slaps him. This is a great movie that works both as a mystery and as a social study. YES.

76. "Forrest Gump" (1994)
I have mixed feelings about this movie. It wasn't until college when I really started looking into the subtext of this movie (independent women are doomed, it is good to go through life stupid) that I started to question a lot of its messages. However, having said that, it is a terrifically entertaining piece of populist cinema, and some of the techniques (such as "callbacks" to previous themes and camera shots) were really brought to the forefront for the first time here. It's an accomplishment of filmmaking, for sure, especially some of the computer generated effects, like erasing Lt. Dan's legs. For technique alone, this gets a YES from me.

77. "All the President's Men" (1976)
Better than any episode of "Law & Order" and beautifully shot, this stylish and perfectly-paced drama shows from beginning to end how Woodward and Bernstein blew the Watergate scandal wide open. It's a testament to courage and conviction, and doing the right thing without worrying about the consequences (lawsuits, angry politicians). Jason Robards gives a great performance in this one; he is both the strength and the conscience of the two intrepid reporters. The ending is a bit anticlimactic, but that's the only complaint I have about it. YES.

78. "Modern Times" (1936)

79. "The Wild Bunch" (1969)
I didn't like this movie the first time I saw it. (I have to admit, I get bored with any movies that take place in Mexican border towns.) But then I saw it a few years ago, and there is something really noble about the fatalistic "one-last-score" mentality of the aging robbers in this movie. It is super violent, and takes the Western genre out into a new, darker era. YES.

80. "The Apartment" (1960)
One of the sweetest movies I've seen, this cute love story between loveable loser Jack Lemmon and engaged cutie Shirley MacLaine is fun, light, and just plain cute. Lemmon's likeability carries the movie's lighter parts, but MacLaine's semi-dramatic performance grounds it into reality. I would have preferred more nudity, of course, but what can you do... it was 1960. YES.

81. "Spartacus" (1960)

82. "Sunrise" (1927)

83. "Titanic" (1997)
Ugh. Now ten years ago, I would have prepared for a flood of emails on this, because "Titanic" was all the rage and people who didn't know any better were declaring it to be the best movie ever made. (These were mostly 13 year old girls.) In fact, when the last list came out in 1997, the outcry was that "Titanic" would have clearly been #1 if it was eligible. Thankfully, ten years of perspective put this at a more reasonable spot, but I still think that if you look at the movie, at face value, there is a lot to criticize. The dialogue is very weak, the storyline (many people forget) is fake, and the acting is simply not that good (except for maybe Kate Winslet and Cathy Bates). The special effects are very very impressive, I'll give you that. But given how overrated this movie is, I have to say NO.

84. "Easy Rider" (1969)
I know that this movie was a truly independent vision, and a benchmark of the counterculture and all that. But I truly think it's a piece of crap as a movie. It's poorly shot, unfocused, overindulgent. It's about stickin' it to the MAN, man! It's a drug-fueled Dennis Hopper taking a camera and running around with it. And while it may have been "new" for its time, it doesn't change the fact that it's a crappy, pretentious movie. Oh, and the ending is one of the worst, tacked-on, contrived endings in movie history. NO.

85. "A Night at the Opera" (1935)
I should really get into the Marx brothers more.

86. "Platoon" (1986)
This is a very good movie, but I'm not sure if I would put it in the top 100 of all time. There are a lot of great scenes in it, and of course the requisite "war makes people crazy" message. And honestly it's one of Oliver Stone's more restrained and responsible movies, before he started producing crap like "Nixon" and "Natural Born Killers." It's one of the better Vietnam movies, but I think maybe its gravitas outweighs it's quality. M-16 to my head, I'd have to say NO.

87. "12 Angry Men" (1957)
I really love this play and this movie. It is alternately about the mob mentality and also how one lone voice can bring common sense and bring change. It's probably my favorite Henry Fonda role, as he is the only one with any kind of moral compass. It really exudes morality and justice. And it also castigates those who would forego justice out of anger or revenge (something that is still relevant today). Big-time YES.

88. "Bringing Up Baby" (1938)

89. "The Sixth Sense" (1999)
I'm hesitant about this movie, because I don't know if it's that great a movie, or if they just did such a good job with the "gotcha" ending that I felt gratefully tricked by it. I think that the movie as a whole is very good, and it's actually even better the second time around when you know what's going to happen; no small feat there. Whether it's one of the 100 greatest is a tough call. I think that M. Night Shyamalan has proven that he isn't quite the directorial genius we assumed he would be with his later projects, but as a stand-alone, this one is close to brilliant. I'll say YES.

90. "Swing Time" (1936)

91. "Sophie's Choice" (1982)
This is one of the few movies on this list that I don't care if I never see. And if you ever find out what Sophie's "choice" is, you'll know why.

92. "GoodFellas" (1990)
This is way too low. This is one of the five best American movies ever made in my opinion. It's Scorsese's most accessible, most quotable, most iconic, most exciting and best movie. The fact that it lost the Oscar to "Dances With Wolves" is a bigger injustice than Sacco and Venzetti. The movie -- as Marty intended it -- is like a two-and-a-half hour movie trailer. Every scene leads directly to the next. There is no down time, no room to breathe. It's the reason that right before someone leaves a room, I yell "Now go home and get your f*$&in' shinebox!" Major major YES.

93. "The French Connection" (1971)
Everyone remembers the car chase scene from this one, but there are a lot of other great scenes, mostly having to do with Popeye Doyle, a really great movie antihero. The fact that he is a racist and completely disregards lawful conduct, yet is so single-minded and somehow likeable, is the sign of a great performance. The ending isn't as neat and tidy as you would expect, which also adds to the depth of the film as a whole. YES.

94. "Pulp Fiction" (1994)
I do have to say that I think this film is somewhat overrated, but that's like saying that Michael Jordan was overrated; just because it gets far too much attention doesn't mean it isn't great. The revolution this movie started was that of tone, and of the contrast between terror and comedy. Throughout the movie, there would be a scene of horrible violence, and then a laugh, or vice-versa. It changed the rules on what to expect in any given scene. The dialogue -- concerning hambugers in Europe, foot massages and divine intervention, among others -- is crackling throughout. And the fact that you can't tell if it takes place in the 1990s or 1970s adds an air of otherworldly unpredictability. It is the monolith that represented the next step in the evolution of filmmaking. YES.

95. "The Last Picture Show" (1971)
It's about so many things. The closing of movie theaters and drive-ins in favor of television represents the loss of innocence, which is also explored in great detail. Much like "The Man Who Shot Liberty Valance," it's a sort of acknowledgment of modernization, as well as a sentimental good-bye to our "youth" as a nation, and as individuals. It's slow and it's in black and white, but it's really really good. YES.

96. "Do the Right Thing" (1989)
I don't think this is Spike Lee's best movie (I would put "Malcolm X" at the top, pound for pound), but is the perfect snapshot of black rage in the late 1980s. The racial tension between the blacks and whites (especially Italians) is discussed in very candid detail ("garlic-breath, pizza-slingin', spaghetti-bendin'".... "You gold-teeth-gold-chain-wearin', fried-chicken-and-biscuit-eatin'..."). I think it doesn't quite take the black community to task on a few issues, but overall the movie opens up some really important dialogue. Ultimately, it discovers that fighting violence with more violence leads to no resolution. Very good flick, YES.

97. "Blade Runner" (1982)

98. "Yankee Doodle Dandy" (1942)

99. "Toy Story" (1995)
It's a cute movie. It was the first of its kind. "Toy Story 2" is way better. NO.

100. "Ben-Hur" (1959)
Along with "Lawrence of Arabia," this is an epic movie that I just found to be sooo boring and long. The chariot race is cool, I guess, but the rest of it is a lot of melodrama, with some latent homosexual subtext thrown in. It was probably great for its time, but for today, it just doesn't hold up. Or hold my interest. NO.

I know that I have a tendency to oversimplify, and I know my head may be squarely up my ass on a lot of these. (And the fact that "Fargo" and "sex, lies and videotape" didn't make the cut makes me question the list's validity altogether.) So feel free to challenge me, take me to task, or add some that you think should have been on the list, or ones they should have left off.

Just remember: I'm usually right.

Profiles in Hubris

Pride goes before a fall...

Wikipedia (still reliable no matter what anyone says) defines hubris as "exaggerated self pride or self-confidence (overbearing pride), often resulting in fatal retribution." In other words, it's when someone gets a little too big for his or her britches, and his or her pants fall down.

Hubris has always been something that has fascinated me. There is nothing that gives me more guilty pleasure (or schadenfreude) than watching someone get just a little too cocky and falling flat on his or her face. Adam Sandler has basically made a cottage industry of movies where some bully ends up getting humiliated at the end of his movies. If it's good enough a device for Homer, I suppose enough it's good for Little Nicky.

The most obvious example of hubris is that of Icarus, the Greek Mythological character who died when he foolishly flew too close to the sun and fell when the wax from his wings melted. He was warned not to fly that high, but did anyway and ended up drowning in the Icarian Sea. (Coincidence alert!)

I was thinking about hubris after seeing a wonderfully enraging documentary the other night. But more on that in a second. For now, let's get on to some of the better known examples of hubris.

• One of my favorite examples is Leon Lett, the former defensive tackle for the Dallas Cowboys. In Super Bowl XXVII, the Cowboys were clinging to a slim 52-17 lead. The Bills fumbled (of course), and Lett picked it up at his own 36 yard line. Lett's meaty frame went ba BOOM ba ba BOOM down the field for what appeared to be an apparent touchdown.
  
  But as he approached the goal line (I have tried to find a clip of this, but I can't), Lett got cocky and started goose-stepping into the end zone, holding both his hands out to the sides, leaving the ball unprotected. Unbeknownst to Lett, Bills li'l shit speed receiver Don Beebe was streaking right behind Lett, caught up to him and knocked the ball out of his hands.
  
  
  
  
  
  
  If the Cowpokes hadn't won by eight touchdowns, that play would have surely lived in sports infamy.
  
  
• Enron was one of the great rising companies in the late 1990s/early 2000s. That was until three bastardly men -- Ken Lay, Andy Fastow and Jeff Skilling -- got waaaaay too greedy and decided they wanted more than the millions they already had.
  
  Through bullying, falsifying earnings reports and just overall assholishness (including having a major hand in the California energy crisis several years ago), Enron eventually was discovered and ended up having to go defunct. If they had just played by the rules and not gotten so greedy, Skilling and Fastow would never have gone to jail, or been disgraced, and, well, Ken Lay would probably still be dead from a heart attack but who knows? (Note: the list of people who did the same thing is quite long, but Enron is the best known.)
  
  
• A fun example of hubris is Leo Gorcey. Unless you were born in the late 1800s, that name is probably not familiar to you. He was a young actor who starred in the Bowery Boys (as well as Dead End Kids and East Side Kids) movies of the second quarter of the century. He died at the ripe old age of 51.
  
  One interesting bit of trivia about ol' Leo, though, is that he was selected to be portrayed on the album cover of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. The band had made a cardboard cutout of his image and were ready to take the picture of the now-iconic album cover. But Gorcey demanded that the Beatles pay him $400 for the use of his image. So the Beatles removed his image, and Gorcey was left off the album cover.
  
  
• I could say George W. Bush and go on for another fifteen pages, but this ain't that kinda post.
  
  
• And ahhhh the pièce de résistance...
  
  I saw a movie this weekend called Overnight, and I thought it was one of the greatest things I've ever seen. The movie is about Troy Duffy, a Los Angeles bartender who basically won the lottery, when a script he wrote was picked up by Miramax to be filmed with a pretty decent budget for an indie film.
  
  The name of the script was The Boondock Saints.
  
  Duffy is the poster child for how to press your luck, bite the hand that feeds you, dig yourself into a hole, or whatever other cliche you want to use. His descent from up and coming filmmaker to Hollywood pariah is breathtaking.
  
  Duffy is the kind of guy who thinks he is a genius. Every other word out of his mouth is "fuck." He bullies EVERYONE around him: friends, brothers, mom, dad, bigshot movie producers, agents, and the members of his band.
  
  Oh I forgot, his band.
  
  Back in 1998-99, when he was still in the middle of getting Boondock Saints made, he had a band called The Brood. (You can tell how famous they have become because it's now 2007 and you have never heard of them.) He basically ruined the promising music career of The Brood by pissing off every record executive in town. Troy's brother Taylor, by many accounts, was a gifted musician with a bright future in music, but Troy made himself and everyone in the band persona non grata, and ended up ruining the music careers of all involved.
  
  
  
  Just how repulsive a human being Troy Duffy is cannot be explained in words. He is simply a miserable bully. Anyone -- ANYONE -- who dares object to anything he says is promptly treated to a torrent of f-bombs and belittling. I have never seen anyone so arrogant, and so mean, and with so little reason. He tries to bully Harvey Weinstein, of all people. (And if you don't know, Weinstein might be the most powerful person in Hollywood.) And does all of this before he had produced a single frame of film and before producing a single note of music on an album. I mean come on: Boondocks Saints is a kind of interesting, quirky movie, it was hardly the work of a Darren Aronofsky or a Richard Kelly or a Todd Field.
  
  He goes from simply arrogant and rough-around-the-edges to maniacal and sociopathic. He lives in his own little dream world where he is God and everyone else has no idea what the FUCK they're talking about!!!!!!!
  
  The upshot is that, even though there are a lot of assholes in the entertainment industry, there are still some who just push too far. He ends up having to make the movie for half the budget, ends up blowing all the money he made on it, ruining just about any shot he ever had to make another movie and losing the bar that he bought with the money for the film.
  
  I really encourage you to go out there and rent Overnight. It will make you appreciate your friends -- even the most assholish of them -- so much more.
  

The lesson, I suppose, is that sometimes it's hard to be humble (especially when you are me), but even if you have to just pretend you have humility, it's better to make people think that you are nice, and feel sorry for you when your pants fall down, than to have them hate you and laugh at it.

It's Too Hot To Listen To Rap Right Now

Now that I have a new bangin' computer, I was able to finally make an awesome mix CD of some rap music that I have been meaning to put on a disc for several months. I call it "Bill's Super Awesome Rap Music Mix for Summer LOL!"

I tried to put on some newer good stuff with some old favorites. (And Mikey, yes, this is the same CD I made a copy of for you.)

I realize this is the exact kind of navel-gazing thing that is of no interest to anyone, but I figured i'd throw it up there.

Oh My Darling Clemens, Die

Roger Clemens
is a douche
la la la la la.



Here's why:

• He signed a one-year contract for $28,000,022. See the $22 at the end? It's because his number is 22. Why not sign for $22 million? After all, he did say, "If you think it's about money, you're greatly mistaken. I'm not going to put my body through the paces I put my body through to earn a few more dollars."
  
  
• He showed up out of shape and is pitching in the minors right now. For that kinda money, shouldn't the fat-ass be at least somewhat in shape?
  
  
• He says how much he loves the Yankees and then only travels with the team when he's in the rotation, so he can watch his kids play high school baseball. He has complained about having to carry his own luggage. As the NY Daily news says: "What's forgotten in all the 'family plan' talk about Clemens is that the Astros, who instituted it for Roger in the first place, had already told him that they weren't going to do it this season. And it's because they felt it was counterproductive for the team, especially when the Rocket was seen out and about (like at golf tournaments) instead of spending time with his family."
  
  
• He once said of the Japanese and Korean teams in the 2006 World Baseball Classic: "None of the dry cleaners were open, they were all at the game, Japan and Korea." Where's Reverend Al?
  
  
• He named his dopey kids Koby, Kory, Kacy, and Kody, after all the "K"s (or strikeouts) that he's thrown in his career.
  
  
• He retired after 2003 to huge fanfare at Yankee Stadium, and then came back in 2004 to play for another team paying more money. Then he did the same thing in 2005 and 2006. Does he understand what the term "retire" means? Is he that sad to be out of the spotlight?
  
  
• That bat-throwing thing he pulled with Mike Piazza in the 2000 World Series. (He is 12th all-time in hit batsmen.) What is this faggot crap?
  
  
• He was known as a major choke-artist before he lucked into the 1999-2000 Yankee teams, pitching in series that were never in doubt. (Read more from a 2000 Slate article after he had won his first series.
  
  
• The Houston Astros drafted his dopey son Koby as a favor to "the Rocket" in 2005 so that they could spend more time together as a family (which is why "the Rocket" claims he wants all those days off), and then he leaves the organization.
  
  
• Even white-trash like David Wells called him out: "I don't think I would ever do it because of the fact I personally think it would disrespect the team and your teammates. You look at the other players. How are they going to respect you? What are they going to think if you're not there pulling for the team?"
  
  
• When Hank Aaron said that pitchers shouldn't be eligible for the MVP, because they have the Cy Young award, Clemens said: "I wish he were still playing. I'd probably crack his head open to show him how valuable I was." Let's start a rumor that he's a major racist.
  
  

By the way, this has nothing to do with the fact that he's a Yankee. I have hated him since he was with Boston, and I hated him with Toronto and Houston too, for the same reasons. He will make his debut Monday against the White Sox. I can only hope his fat, privileged ass gets lit up. He is the consummate spoiled athlete who truly believes he is better than other people.

Fuck'im.

Amer'cans Are Idiots

Ok so don't get me wrong. The United States of America really is the greatest country in the world. I'm not saying that because I live here or out of some sense of false national pride. I truly believe that it really is the Promised Land. It might not always be that way -- in fact it may cease to be as such in my own lifetime -- but right now we are that shining city on the hill.

But goddammit are Amer'cans fucking stupid sometimes.

Much like obscenity, I can't define an Amer'can (as opposed to an American), but I know one when I see one. I can name some famous ones: Toby Keith, Jerry Bruckheimer, Adam Sandler, Jay Leno. Maybe when it comes to doing something important or innovative or original, an Amer'can will always chicken out and take the easy, safe, lowest-common-denominator way out (see, respectively: that "boot up your ass" song, movies with lots of car crashes, formulaic man-child fart joke comedies, Jay Leno).

Art, and the appreciation of art, is one arena in which Amer'cans suffer. Whereas it seems that other countries tend to have at least a modicum of understanding about art, Amer'can tastes are much more poorly refined. If you look at the highest grossing movies of the last couple of years, you will see lots of crap, whether it's an Ice Cube kid's comedy or another bullshit horror movie, we tend to gravitate to what's easy. We don't challenge ourselves. I am certainly not above this at times. I do watch crap like American Idol and listen to Journey. Of course, Journey is awesome, so they don't really count. Forget I mentioned them, bad example.

Movies in Amer'ca are a very sore subject for me, because I am a tad on the snobby side when it comes to cinema. I watch a lot of indie stuff that looks like it was shot with Abraham Zapruder's camera, and a lot of long foreign stuff. A lot of that stuff sucks too, but I think I have at least the breadth of experience to know what is good and what is utter garbage.

So flash forward to last week. Right after American Idol, there was a show called On the Lot, which is sort of like ... no it is exactly, American Idol for aspiring movie directors. I'm a sucker for all things movie-related. I'm the kind of guy who watches those movie retrospectives at the Oscars (where they always show clips from Singin' in the Rain and Casablanca and Dog Day Afternoon) and actually tears up a little. Yeah I'm wicked queer.

So I am already pissed off at myself for watching the first 10 minutes of this stupid show because I know I'm gonna get hooked on it and have to watch the whole stupid thing. So one thing should have tipped me off that I was going to hate 90% of the "directors" on this show. The judges are Carrie "Princess Leia" Fisher, who hasn't done much as an actress but is actually one of Hollywood's best "script doctors," Garry Marshall, who hasn't made a good movie since ... um ... and Brett Ratner. Now in my opinion, Brett Ratner, along with the likes of Michael Bay and Brian Robbins, has helped ruin Amer'can cinema. Ratner was a music video director who ventured out into feature films. He made a couple of really mediocre action/comedy movies like Rush Hour and Money Talks, and because the former was a hit, was offered "serious" projects. He made a decent Hannibal Lecter movie in Red Dragon, and then completely capsized the "X-Men" franchise by making the very below-average "X-3: The Last Stand."

Bottom line: Brett Ratner is the knee-jerk, go-to "commercial" director, even though his skills as an auteur have been in question from the get-go.

So what is the first thing one of the "film makers" says when he sees who the directors are? "Wow, Brett Ratner!" said one bespectacled douche with a soul patch, "That's exactly the kind of movies I wanna make, commercial movies!" I thought the point of finding a film maker was to find someone with an original voice, rather than a helmer-for-hire that can point a camera at something and then yell "cut". Anyone could go to film school and learn to be a director. We shouldn't be having a talent show for trained monkeys.

Anyway, I'm a little off-topic. On Monday, they had the 18 finalists show their one-minute comedy films. There were maybe three or four legitimately well-made and/or funny films, but most of it was mediocre film school -- or worse, Bud Light commercial -- pap. Not really hateable, but nothing that blew my skirt up. (Why I was wearing a skirt has nothing to do with this story so just leave it for now.)

There was, however, one so-called quote-unquote "filmmaker" that did catch my eye. His name was Kenny Luby, and he happens to be from Owego, New York, not really all that far from my own hometown. Kenny had been portrayed on an earlier episode (this show's version of "Hell Week") to be a bit of a prima donna who probably shouldn't have made it as far as he did. Still, he's a local boy, and he didn't go to film school, and I thought maybe if this kid could make something good, I might have to root for him. He submitted a film called "Wack Alley Cab." I viewed it and was simply astounded.

This is one of the most stunning pieces of pure excrement ever committed to celluloid. It is loud, the dubbing sucks, the writing is shit, the acting is beyond worthless. I've seen funnier stuff in Schindler's List. It was as funny as a snuff film. Nobody laughed, the three judges -- including the too-nice guest judge DJ Caruso, director of the underrated and excellent The Salton Sea -- all took a dump on it. There was no narrative point whatsoever. The characters were annoying and loud. There was not one real thing about it. It was made by a simple-minded hack job for a bunch of other simple-minded moviegoers. It was like the worst Time Warner Cable ad being viewed while on crystal meth. Utterly without value or merit. [Update: here it is]

At the very least, I thought, this young quote-unquote "filmmaker" would be exposed to the nation for the no-talent that he is. The market, I trusted, would bear this out to be a rotten concoction. Even the phone-voting public would be able to pick this turd out of the mud pit and fling it back from whence it came.

But I forgot: this is Amer'ca.

Not only did this sub-Ed Wood douchehammer get a single vote, but he was not even eliminated! That means that at least three people got less votes than he did. That means that someone out there saw his 60 seconds of bile and actually said to themselves, "Wow, that was pretty good. I'm gonna vote for that guy," and then returned to eating vaseline and punching himself in the genitals. I had no idea there were that many vaseline-eating genital punchers out there. Small world.

I have no more faith in the Amer'can public, not after tonight. This would be the equivalent of William Hung making the final 12 on American Idol, and not as a joke. I mean, could this be a joke? Is Amer'ca really that cinematically illiterate that they can't tell that this farce of a short film is the equivalent of a kindergarten finger-paint?

Sadly, I suspect that it is. I'm not really offended by American Idol because it pretty much caters to a certain audience, and let's face it, the music industry is in disarray as it is. But when you put the voting public in charge of cinema, you are treading dangerous ground. There was very little that I saw in the short films they screened that made me laugh more than any sketch (even the weak ones) on "The Whitest Kids You Know." Let's get these kids to make commercials for beer companies or blue jeans. For the love of Robert Altman, keep them out of theaters.

Awesome Show Alert: Battlestar Galactica

I have a weird attention span where I basically can watch either half hour comedies or 2+ hour movies. It's very weird, I admit. The hour-long drama format is usually just not for me. Hour-long shows I used to watch like "ER" or "Law & Order" just don't do it for me the way they used to. Part of that has to do with the declining quality of those programs, since "ER" now likes to go to Africa every other week and "Law & Order" is more about how deviant the crime in question can be.

My good friend Tony DiGiacomo, however, urged me to pursue a program to which I normally would not have been drawn: BSG.

The original "Battlestar Galactica" -- featuring Lorne Greene and Face from "The A-Team" was kind of a cheesy sci-fi show from the late 1970s. I had a few of the action figures when I was a kid, including that weird robot dog thing. When I heard they were remaking it, I didn't really think much of it, because I'm not a sci-fi geek. Just a regular geek. I wasn't sure I wanted to invest time in a show about robots and space and aliens. The evil Cylons in the show even sound like Klingons. I figured it probably wasn't my bag, baby.

But don't be fooled, this is one of the best dramas on TV. It does take place in outer space, but everything else about it is like a political/military drama. It's not a mystery like "Lost," and it's not really sci-fi like "Star Trek." It is complex in story and theme. There is depth of character, and actually very good acting. The cinematography is rather brilliant, since it's filmed with a handheld camera for most of the dramatic scenes.

Don't make the same mistake I made and let the sci-fi aspect of the show turn you away from it. There are no actual "aliens" in the show (at leat not that I've seen), and you could just as easily have all the major storylines on present-day Earth. The storylines are deep and the drama is often intense. I just finished the first season on DVD and am completely hooked on it.

As far as the first season goes, only the first season of "The Sopranos" even compares in terms of pure watchability, from episode to episode, and I would venture that "BSG" even surpasses that. It's definitely much better than any subsequent "Sopranos" season, by far.

Seriously, check it out. You know you can trust me.

Be A Man For Chrissakes!

I have hated the radio for years. I think it started when I was a painter at Le Moyne College in the summer of 1997 and my fellow brush-jockeys would listen to the regular radio for 8 hour days upon end. I discovered some disturbing trends during marathon 8-hour radio listening sessions that I hadn't noticed in smaller intervals.

I noticed that the radio tended to repeat several songs over the course of the day. It has always been my contention that a radio station should never -- EVER -- play the same song more than once a day. It just doesn't make sense. Maybe the only exception would be a brand new song that is maybe two weeks old or less. But that's it. However, it became apparent that song were being run into the ground. Songs that I hated became interminable four to five times over the course of a work day. Even songs I liked or had the potential to like were ruined.

Those stations that didn't play the same song multiple times -- the "no-repeat workday" stations -- were even more insidious. They would not repeat songs throughout the day, but would rather repeat the same nine-hour block of songs every single day from 8am-5pm. They might shuffle the playlist, but you could count on hearing every song five times throughout the normal work week.

What also struck me was how awful and bland the music was becoming. Radio has always been a commercial venture, but never had I seen radio stations pander to the lowest common denominator. It seemed the quality of songwriting had really gone to the shitter. Once a band broke through with one song, they would release another three or four shitty songs, which would automatically be put into rotation by the knee-jerk radio stations who wanted to crank out the hits.

I'm not exposing any secrets, but commercial radio is crap. Incidentally, you can attribute much of the homogenization of commercial radio to the idiots at Clear Channel who reward mediocrity and refuse to take any chances whatsoever, but that's for another post.

The upshot is, when satellite radio came around, I got very excited. Forget the commercial-free aspect of the format (an admitted bonus), I was glad that there would be more channels with more formats of music. And it would be subscriber-driven, not advertiser-driven, which means stations could come up with their own playlists and not worrya bout repeating the same rotations over and over. They actually employed real-live DJs, who actually put together well thought-out playlists, instead of picking from some kind of corporate-approved menu of songs.

I got my XM radio a few years ago, and for the most part, I love it. Not having commercials is pretty huge, but there are so many other benefits. They have very specifically-defined stations with certain audiences in mind (my favorites are The Rhyme, The Verge and XMU). They have real DJs who don't talk in the middle of the music. On some stations, you could go days and never hear the same song twice. It exposes me to bands and songs I never would have otherwise heard (and it has given me direction in much of my CD-buying). It is the best radio for long trips, since I can listen to concerts or comedy or talk radio, or even TV simulcasts. You never have to worry about changing the channel when you get to a new city. It carries all the hockey radio broadcasts (and baseball for those who like that kind of thing).

There are some complaints, of course. I wish their comedy channels would play more full-length concerts or comedy performances, instead of switching between well-known and mediocre comedians. And boy, if there was ever a question about the dearth of good stand up comedy in this country, satellite pretty much proves it. Also, my music station of choice -- The Rhyme, the rap station -- plays way way way too much Tupac and Too $hort and mainstream hits from The Notorious B.I.G. and Salt-N-Pepa. I was really hoping The Rhyme would celebrate lesser-known rap from the '80s and '90s instead of harping on the so-called classics. Overall, it's still a good station, but I wish I could throw a playlist up there every once in a while.

The thing that got me hooked on my XM, though, is Opie and Anthony. I had been a Howard Stern quasi-fan since high school, since he was basically the only game in town where I lived. I loved that format of radio: comedy disguised as talk radio. But I felt that toward the last few years (especially after the Super Bowl/Janet Jackson controversy), Stern had become very dull, almost unlistenable at times. He railed against the FCC and censorship (although, ironically, he was silent when his arch-nemesis Imus was fired), and then talked about his ratings for hours upon end. His ego made him less funny.

Enter Opie & Anthony. They were basically the soundtrack of 2006 for me. I listened to them nearly every second I was in the car. They could make a 4-hour drive seem like twenty minutes. They weren't always "radio gold," but I found myself laughing out loud to myself more times in six months than I had for about four years listening to Stern. They seemed much more versed in "comedy" than Stern, in its history, its cliches, its conventions. They went the vulgar route, but more often found humor in hypocrisy of celebrities or events in the news. Rather than having a naked woman in studio every day, they would play clips from the internet, and even if the clips were decades old, mine huge laughs from them.

Flash forward to a couple weeks ago, and now I am disgusted. O&A had a bit where a homeless man made some lascivious comments about making illicit advances toward Laura Bush, Condoleezza Rice and Queen Elizabeth II. They laughed along, but they did not make the comments themselves. Yet XM saw fit to suspend them for 30 days, not broadcasting their show (even though they are, ironically, still on regular radio) and suspending all rebroadcasts and reruns. Basically, XM, a company that advertises itself as having no censorship, censored one of its biggest draws.

I am 100% sure of the reason for this: XM is getting ready to merge with Sirius, the other player in the satellite radio game. In order for this to be approved, it must meet with the approval of the FCC, who, it is very clear, is in the pocket of the Bush Administration. (See their refusal to investigate the NSA wiretapping as proof.) Since XM didn't want to draw the ire of the Republican-influenced FCC, they had to punish Opie and Anthony for saying such mean things about two of the president's favorite ladies (three if you include Laura Bush).

Now, for better or worse, I have heard O&A say some of the most ruthlessly, insanely degrading things about many women. Just listen to their opinions about Tyra Banks some day. But only now are they being called into question? Do you think that this controversy would have been a blip on the radar if they were talking about Hillary Clinton? Or Nancy Pelosi? Or even a lesser human like Ann Coulter? Of course not. I can guarantee that XM got pressure from either the FCC or the White House that if they didn't do something to those bad men, the merger would be in jeopardy.

XM, of course, claims that it was due to "complaints" by listeners. Why, then, are listeners cancelling subscriptions left and right? Why are advertisters dropping their sponsorships? As much as I love the concept of satellite radio, I truly hope this blows up in XM's face. I hope that they are actually punished financially for their cowardice.

I'm not going to smash my radio or cancel my subscription, but consider this my strongly worded letter.

You Can't Spell "Breathtakingly iNCompetent" Without...

What the fuck is wrong with NBC?

Could a network possibly make worse decisions than this one? It hasn't just been recently. For years, NBC has been coming to the fork in the road and taking the wrong path.

Saturday was the last straw. There is much better comiplaining here, but I'l recap. Sabres and Senators, Game Five of the Eastern Conference Finals, game goes into overtime at 5pm. Coincidentally, 5pm is the exact time that NBC was supposed to switch to their coverage of the Preakness, one leg of the Triple Crown of horse racing. Now, the race itself didn't start for two hours, yet NBC dropped the coverage and switched it over to the Versus channel, which is hard to get in many markets. So what did they show instead of overtime playoff hockey?

Fucking horse racing pregame. Are you kidding me?

NBC, you used to have the world on a string. You once dominated the airwaves like no one else. What in God's name is your problem?

Why did you ruin the unsinkable Must-See Thursday Lineup by stubbornly inserting The Apprentice into the 9-10 slot? There was a place for the apprentice, but Thursday had been holy ground for 20 years, from The Cosby Show to Friends. The formula is very simple: two straight hours of comedy (Friends at 8:00, Seinfeld or Will & Grace at 9:00, with mediocre or struggling series-es at the :30s), then E.R. Simple. But noooo, you had to jump on the stupid reality-TV bandwagon and kowtow to that preening schmuck Donald Trump, who is a "first-class, world-class" asshole. You have only just recovered from that colossal misstep, but you did it by blowing your entire sitcom wad, putting all four of your good shows on one night, and even resorting to bloated "super-sized" episodes. You aren't fooling me, NBC, I know it's just more commercials.

Where did your journalistic ethics go when you gave wall-to-wall coverage of that greasy-faced piece of garbage who shot up the Virginia Tech campus? Did you not realize that you played right into his hands by giving him the credence that he so desperately wanted? And it wasn't just the fact that you played it, or that you made a knee-jerk reaction to show the footage. You made sure you ran the footage through your machines to put the "NBC News" logo on every last frame of the videotape. Do you have any idea how many copycat killers you likely inspired by making this guy into a celebrity? Was the bump in ratings worth it? No wonder they're calling you the "Al-Jazeera of Psychotic Killers."

Why do you cancel promising shows like "Committed" and "Four Kings" and "Andy Barker, P.I." and then replace it with crappy (and I'm sure cheap) reality programming? Is your research and development so bad that you can't even bring yourself to find ONE new sitcom for the new schedule? How many times can you show "Deal or No Deal"? Why are the other networks swimming in good sitcoms? And all yours are smushed into Thursday?

Why did you take "The Black Donnellys" off the air before it even had a chance to develop any kind of following. You let that overrated, bloated "Studio 60" show go for months because it had Aaron Sorkin's name attached to it. But "Donnellys" -- an infinitely better show if you ask me -- was relegated to NBC.com so the network could "decide if enough people watched it before they put it back on the air." Jackasses!

Do you even realize that you have completely ruined the "Dateline: To Catch a Predator" series by overexposure? That used to be the best reality program on TV, but you got greedy and started showing it too much. Now it's just sad and not even fun anymore. That's right: you made the topic of child molestation no fun anymore.

And why, oh why, couldn't you figure out that hockey is a magnificent game, and that there are more teams than the Rangers, Penguins and Capitals playing on any given day. Did you realize that it might be good to expose more than just the "stars" of the game (Crosby, Ovechkin) and maybe emphasize some of the good teams out there? (COUGHsabressenatorspredatorsCOUGH). Has the way you ruined the NBA -- by turning it into a glorified one-on-one sport -- taught you nothing about how the game should be marketed? Of course, your contempt for hockey fans is clear enough.

I don't normally care about TV ratings and how they factor into decisions networks make. I care about art, not commerce. If there was any justice in this world, "Andy Richter Controls the Universe" would be competing against "How I Met Your Mother" for the number one rating on TV. Jay Leno would have been off the air 8 years ago and John Madden would never have been allowed near a microphone again.

But there is no justice. We live in a world where if a TV executive happens to come across a good idea, it's a goddamn miracle. In fact I would say that most good shows probably happen today in spite of execs, not because of them. NBC just happens to currently be the worst of them. I considered boycotting the entire network, but then I remembered they still do have "The Office" and "30 Rock" so I'll just wait until they cancel those two first.

It's Gold, Jerry. GOLD!

I have been severely slacking on my Golden Age Hip Hop site since, oh, October. And the only reason was that I moved and lost internet access, then got it back but not until like February, and then I lost my internet again, and only got it back recently but my computer is too slow and so now I can't really view YouTube from home, only from work.

I know, excuses-excuses.

Bottom line is this: as long as I have an internet connection, I am going to continue to update the site anew. I will be putting up some of the best videos of the Golden Age (1988ish to 1996ish), as well as newer progressive rap music that has the same aesthetic. I encourage your comments and criticisms. Please keep it intelligent. Or as intelligent as you are capable of being.

Now, I went a little CD crazy this week, and I did something I don't do a lot. I bought 4 CDs by white hip hop artists. I didn't do this on purpose, it just worked out that way. I bought CDs from El-P, Sage Francis, RJD2 and Brother Ali. I would have bought one from Cage -- another cracker -- if they had it at Soundgarden. I also did buy J-Dilla, who is a "brotha," but I'm fascinated by white rappers for some reason. (Incidentally, to see a very brief and kinda hard to understand freestyle between Brother Ali and Sage Francis, click here.)

Let me break each album down quickly in order from least good to goodest.

Sage Francis - Human the Death Dance ... The label on this album says "His Most Personal Album to Date." It's all well and good to celebrate how personal your albums are, especially when you're a hip-hop artist, but get over it. His first major studio album was called "Personal Journals." We get it: you're personal! What bugs me is that the reason I liked Sage in the first place is because he wasn't afraid to use his personal stuff, but he always kept it in a hip-hop context. He still does, but he's somehow stuck between hip-hop, alternative rock and slam poetry. This album is actually the best of his studio albums, but I can't help but wish he was still making bootleg mix cd's like the "Sick of..." series. But how can I not like a big fat bald guy? I guess I would just like a little more breakbeat sounding production. But that's just me. I do, however, like the fact that Sage has the audacity to go after Eminem on his song "Midgets and Giants."

El-P - I'll Sleep When You're Dead .... If you've heard the last few El-P projects, you kind of know his style. It's a lot of industrial, almost military drumbeats, with a lot of anger and yelling. It's a far cry from the murky, plodding beats of Company Flow. It's just this side of techno. The album features production by Cat Power and Trent Reznor, and guest vocals by Cage and Aesop Rock (our greatest current rapper, in my opinion). But all the songs sort of blend together, not too many distinguishable from the next. I have always wondered why El-P, considering he is an almost unparalleled lyricist, would choose to have so much noise on his albums that make his lyrics even harder to hear. His in-your-face barrage of sound is becoming his trademark, but he's at risk of marginalizing himself. As if he gives a shit what I think about it.

RJD2 - The Third Hand...
Okay I should have read up on this one, because apparently RJD2 stopped making hip hop for a brief time, and instead made something that sounds kind of like a cross between Zero 7 and Radiohead. And I like it. RJ's first album -- Deadringer -- is a masterpiece of instrumental production, and his song "Ghostwriter" is a 5-star song (you'll hear it whenever my phone rings). This is a good, upbeat album. RJ's singing voice (there is no rapping on the album) isn't amazing, but passable, and actually fits with the tone of the rest of the album. Although I have to say, it made me do a little digging, and next paycheck my next CD purchase is going to be Soul Position (aka RJD2 and Blueprint)'s Things Go Better With AJ & Al; I listened to some clips of it on the internet and almost every track blew me away.

Brother Ali - The Undisputed Truth ...
I was super skeptical about this one. Let me tell you what I knew about Brother Ali: he is a white rapper. In fact he is so white that he is an albino (I kid you not). He is also a muslim. He is very fat and has kind of a lazy eye. Looking at pictures and the album cover, I thought this guy was gonna be another lameass clown white rapper like Bubba Sparxx or Paul Wall. Even worse, I thought he would be some obtuse indie hip hoppin' whiteboy like Awol One. I couldn't have been more wrong. This guy is the shit, and the album is very good. One of the best rap albums I've heard in a while, truthfully. So shame on me for making a judgment, because I would have lost out on a real gem if I hadn't given this one a look.

For your perusal: give the video below a look, it's called "Uncle Sam Goddamn." And tell me if it doesn't sound like the single greatest Geto Boys song ever made. The rest of the album is good too; it's a real hip hop album.



Anyway, I am trying to get a little more consistent on my hip hop blog, for the two of you who care. Keep the suggestions and comments coming.

You Don't Know What It's Like Unless You're One of Us

I know that I am constantly teetering on the edge of self-pity, but I feel like I have to just get it out there.

It's never going to happen for me. Ever.

The sooner I accept that, the better. High hopes equal disappointment. Period. I would rather wallow in mediocrity than get close to the top of the mountain and fall off. There's that old adage: better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all? Not true. It's easy to go through life with a cold, black heart, caring for nothing and nobody.

No. Loving and losing is the toughest thing. If you don't care, it doesn't hurt.

It is the toughest of times, and you can't possibly understand it.

Not unless you too are a Buffalo sports fan.

My Sabres, so wonderfully dominant throughout the regular season, ran into a brick wall. They won the President's Cup for best record in the league, and they had the best record in the NHL pretty much wire-to-wire.

They fought hard in two series against the Islanders and Rangers, which supposedly proved their mettle in high-pressure situations. They had high hopes going into a series with the #4 seed Ottawa Senators, which everyone expected to be a classic series. While games 2 and 3 have been exciting, they have not proved to add up to a classic series. So now, barring only the third 3-0 comeback in NHL history (and the first since the year before I was born), the Slugs will finally be laid to rest in a salty grave.

And here's the thing: it was completely unexpected.

I should have known better. More about our history in a moment, but first a brief requiem for this beautiful team. They were the most talented scorers in the league this year, and they were shut out in Game 3. For the first time. All season. I don't know if they are too tired, thinking too much, or what. But they are done. And it kills me to say that. This was the first time since I was in high school that I felt that one of "my teams" had a shot -- a real shot -- to win it all. They were so strong this year, and battled adversity all year. This year, they came into the playoffs healthy and with something to prove. And all they have to show for it is a big goose-egg.

I don't even really want them to win Game Four. Let it end already. No mas. If you have to break our hearts, do it in another country.

I said before that this was totally unexpected, but now that I think of it, it was totally expected. Since I was 11 years old I have been a Bills and Sabres fan, and they have all climbed toward the top of the mountain only to tumble down.

Buffalo sports fans are unique. I am from Rochester, not Buffalo, but we share the same Western New York/Rust Belt sensibility. Rochester is Buffalo's loyal little brother, which is why I can't for the life of me figure out why there are so many goddamn Giants, Dolphins and Rangers fans in the area. But that's neither here nor there.

We share a very unique set of circumstances that no other city or region can really even come close to duplicating, and while many people are "fans" of their teams, there is nothing quite like the connection -- and heartbreak -- of being a Buffalo fan. Is there a fan of any city's teams in the country that can match this set of criteria?

1. Miserable Location. Now, I hate when people say "Oh you only care about that team so much because you have nothing else to do where you live." If that were the case, are Yankees and Red Sox and Broncos and Cowboys fans lesser fans? I would never make that claim. But the fact is that sports are one of our great sources of pride because we can enjoy them indoors, since they generally take place in the colder months. I live a (relatively) fulfilling life in Syracuse, which many people on the "coasts" would call a podunk town. I have many other interests outside of sports and things that keep me busy. But we don't have the ocean, we don't have skyscrapers, we don't have a lot of the things that big cities have. So we can't go windsurfing when our teams lose to get our minds off it, or to the Museum of Modern Art. We drink. A lot.
   
   
2. Constant fear of relocation. This is actually the scariest part of being a Buffalo fan. The Detroit Tigers can have 10 straight losing seasons, but you know they aren't going anywhere. The Sabres have been one of the better hockey franchises of the last decade, and they went bankrupt and almost left town! (I am proud of WNYers for selling out every home game this year.) In 1998 the Bills' future was also in doubt, as they had to have a mass marketing campaign to sell enough tickets to keep the lease at the stadium. A couple bad seasons are okay for the New Jersey Devils; declining tickets sales in Buffalo could be the death-knell. No other city has such a guillotine hanging over it's head.
   
   
3. Team-City Identification. There are few cities in the country where when you hear the city's name, you think of a sports team. Green Bay is one of them, Buffalo is another. And what people might not understand (outside of, say, Philadelphia) is that when the Bills are doing bad, the whole city's psyche suffers. Mondays after a Bills loss are depressing, and I don't even live there. For the last week, Sabres fans have been miserable (myself included). It's really brutal stuff. The team is not it's own sovereign entity; it's an extension of us. When the Bills lose, I lose. And it's not voluntary. I can't just stop caring about the team. If I could, I would have started rooting for the Patriots or Colts or something. They are in my blood, and that blood is poisoned!
   
   
4. Ineptitude and Heartbreak. This is really the crux of it all. By my count there are three major cities in the United States without a major sports championship in the last 50 years: San Diego, Cleveland and Buffalo. San Diego gets no sympathy because they have 72 degree weather all the time and once housed Ron Burgundy. Cleveland is the only city that could come close to Buffalo in terms of sports heartbreak. Cleveland has Jordan-over-Ehlo, The Drive, the Fumble, the 1995 and 1997 World Series, the Browns leaving for Baltimore. But we still have Wide Right, Ronnie Harmon dropping a TD (against Cleveland!) in 1989, Brett Hull's No-Goal, The Music City Miracle, and of course, four consecutive Super Bowl losses. (Note: Philly doesn't qualify for this list because the Phillies won the World Series in 1980. Any city that has a championship in the Color TV Era can't be on this list.)

This Sabres team will always be special to me. There was so much to love about them (although NBC couldn't get their head out of the Rangers' and Sidney Crosby's asses long enough to figure it out for their national broadcasts). They were everything we wish we had in ourselves: style, fleetness of foot, swagger, dominance. They carried us on their shoulders for much of the year and made it okay to be from Buffalo or Western New York for a little while. Those of us who live in those areas know it's just fine to be from Upstate New York, we just can't use sports as a point of pride anymore. I know it is unhealthy to put your self-worth into something stupid like that, especially something you can't control, but boy it sure felt great for a while.

Thanks for a great season. You guys almost had me there for a minute...

Filthy Rodents

Who is this cute little fella?

His name is Farfour, and he loves to entertain little children all across Palestine. He tells them to drink milk, study hard, and encourages them take up arms and perform violence against Israel and the United States. The show is called "Tomorrow's Pioneers" and is a children's show that is produced in Gaza by Hamas, which we all know is the terrorist organization -- you may remember them for their suicide bombings -- that was voted into power in Gaza, partially thanks to President Bush's "Freedom on the March" initiative. Thanks W!

The show will air tomorrow at 4pm local Palestinian time, just in time for kids getting home from school. Here he can teach the kiddies such wonderful lessons as:

"You and I are laying the foundation for a world led by Islamists. Tee Hee Hee!"

and

"We will return the Islamic community to its former greatness, and liberate Jerusalem, God willing, liberate Iraq, God willing, and liberate all the countries of the Muslims invaded by the murderers. YAY!"

What a lovely little program.

Hey I've got an idea. How about we start our own children's program that teaches American children to put up arms against all these subhuman animals? (Face it, one of them dressing up as a rodent is a serious upgrade for these filthy beasts.) How would that go over?

Oh wait, I know how it would go over. With a bunch of howling kooks parading through the streets and burning things, seeing as how that is how they deal with philosophical and religious differences. Why don't we have someone dressed up as the prophet Muhammed getting happily punched in the stomach by our fluffy cartoon characters? That would probably go over fine in Palestine, wouldn't it?

These are not people. These are insects. It has nothing to do with their race, it has to do with their lives. These are people who have telethons for suicide bombers. These are people who decapitate prisoners on TV. These are people who have no culture and have contributed nothing to society, but instead myopically obsess over the Koran and Islam. Can a society that has never contributed anything beautiful survive? Can a society whose members are constantly blowing themselves up be worth a shit?

Would kidnapping random Palestinians and chopping off their right hands on camera be considered un-American? Probably. Probably non-human too. But that's what these unholy beasts do -- and worse -- on a regular basis.

If this is what you fucking children do with the power you have, then maybe you really should have none at all. Every day in the United States the Red Cross experiences blood shortages, yet these sacks of human debris walk the earth using up good platelets. You wouldn't be missed.

Of course, I'm not sure if it's safe to put the blood of a dog, snake, rat or any other sniveling filthy animal into a human.

These are not people. And where is the disgust from the Islamic community? .... I didn't think so.

Get your shit together you fucking fascists or soon you will find yourselves extinct and it will be your own goddamn fault.

[Update: this blog -- more professional than mine, of course -- has a YouTube clip of the show with English subtitles. Charming little fucker ain't he?]

The Grudge Match Begins Tonight

No matter what, Sabres, you'll always be Top Shelf in my book...


They are bigger, and they may be tougher. But goddammit we are better. I've already told you what you have to do.

Now get out there and what voters did in November and take the Senators OUT!

Buffy the Empire (State) Slayer

As my buddy Toastie recently joked, looks like the Sabres' path to the Stanley Cup is going to have to go through New York State.

Now that they have dispatched of the Islanders and the Rangers, it appears that the Slugs have tightened their hold on the title of Best Team in the State. Now, it's on to Ottawa to see if they can retain the crown for the East. Perhaps later they can lay claim to the rest of North America. Game 6 was a tough one, but they showed a lot of guts in holding on at the end.




I am bothered by a couple of things in the wake of this series, three things in particular.

1) You could practially see the dollar signs in the eyes of the broadcasters for NBC, with the delicious prospect of having the legendary New York Rangers in the Stanley Cup finals. Oh what an unbelievable ratings boost this would be! Forget the fact that the general public doesn't give a crap about the Rangers (like they might care about the Yankees or even the Knicks). The storyline was all about the Rangers, how gritty they were, how venerable a venue Madison Square Garden is, and how much heart they have.

Why wouldn't NBC do the smart thing in their advertising and highlight the tough-guy physicality of the Rangers matching up against the speed and finesse of the Sabres. The Sabres have been the most exciting and TV-friendly team in the NHL this year (even if not in this particular series), yet you would think that the NBC announcers were the Rangers' own play-by-play guys.

Anyone who has been following hockey this year can tell you that Ottawa-Buffalo is THE best matchup in the Eastern Conference for a playoff series, and possibly in the entire league. There will be scoring, great goaltending and LOTS of fights in this series. Plus, it's a serious grudge match. No one outside of the 212 area code gives a shit about the Rangers, NBC!




2) I was really bothered by the lack of respect that the Rangers (and their media-sycophants at MSG) gave to the Sabres after this series. Not only did Jaromir Jagr say that the Rangers "gave the game away" -- as opposed to the Sabres being opportunistic and more talented -- but all the news coverage after the game was about how gritty and tough the Rangers were, and how they were sooo close to winning the series. Um, it was a six-game series! And Jagr said that he didn't think the Sabres were a better team than the Rangers. Jaromir, my friend, did you forget that the Sabres won the President's Trophy, and the Rangers were a #6 seed? The Rangers showed a lot of toughness in games three and four, and as much as they blew it on Drury's goal with 7 seconds left in game five, they were lucky to get away with one in game four in a goal by Daniel Briere that sure looked like a goal to me. So with all the bad calls that went the Rangers way, there was a lot that went against the Sabres too.




3) The Rangers played dirty and the national media never picked up on it. There were a ton of non-calls where Rangers mugged the Sabres and not a word was said. That loudmouth Sean Avery, for example, got away with a huge hooking call in game six, and no announcers said a word. Instead, all we here about is how brilliant Henrik Lundqvist is (which, by the way, he really was, much respect to Henrik).

So next up is the Ottawa Senators...



They are the only team in the league that scares the living shit out of me. They are a mirror image of the Sabres, but bigger. They have three scoring lines -- including the dreaded Daniel Alfredsson-Jason Spezza-Dany Heatley line -- and goalie Ray Emery is playing out of his mind. He outplayed Martin Brodeur in the previous round, and Brodeur had the best year of any goalie in the league.

Buffalo needs to do a few things:

1) Score first. This team plays much better with a lead than when playing catch-up. Chris Drury isn't going to be able to score with 7 seconds left in every game, and the Sens have a history of playoff frustration. If they can play off of that, they could have an early advantage. Get 'em scared and panicked early.

2) Kill those damn penalties. The Rangers' power play was way too effective for my liking, and they don't have half the scoring ability of Ottawa. They need to really scale back the stupid penalties (especially for dumb things like interference and delay of game). If Ottawa gets enough chances, they will murder you on the power play. And part of that penalty killing leads to ...

3) Play physical. The Sabres had trouble matching up with a power team, now they will have to match up with another finesse team, but one that has been playing very physically in the playoffs. I say Game One, knock them all over the ice. Make them clean hits (see #2) but make them pay for coming into the Buffalo zone. They have to play with a chip on their shoulder. They're still the Senators, for pete's sake.

4) Stay composed. It's going to be tempting to get into scuffles for revenge over this little incident in February (click on it, it's awesome), but they have to keep it clean. There is serious bad blood between these two teams, but don't let it turn into a 1985 St. Louis Cardinals-style meltdown. You stay classy, Banana Slugs.

5) Attack! Attack! Attack! The reason Buffalo lost game four was that they played on their heels all night. They were passive, trying not to lose rather than to win. They had no energy, no enthusiasm. They were completely outplayed. After the Rangers scored their second goal late in the third period, Buffalo finally got desperate, and turned on the jets. Not surprisingly, they scored quickly, and then seemingly scored again with less than 20 seconds remaining (but the goal wasn't allowed). When they are on their game, they can overwhelm any defense in the league, and when they are sniping shots continuously, a few of them are bound to go in. I say keep pressing, and put Ray Emery right in the crosshairs. He's not as good as the Sabres' Ryan Miller, so he can be lit up. Hell, after Lundqvist I'm guessing almost any goalie in the league will be an easier target.

This is free advice, babies. Take it and let's win this thing in four. Fine, I'll be happy with six.

Slugs, Drury and Max-ecutioner

Yawn....Rangers vs. Sabres Friday Night.

Slugs are down 1-0 to the Rangers with under 30 seconds to play. Rangers goalie Henrik Lundqvist looks like Patrick Roy, Terry Sawchuck and Dominic Hasek -- all in their primes -- rolled into one.

The Sabres' Chris Drury (#23), who has a penchant for clutch scoring, zings one into the back of the net to force overtime with 7.7 to play. Once again, he carries the team on his back.



In overtime, Maxim Afinogenov with a SHAWWWWWWWWT. He puts rubber to rope five minute into the OT to give the Erie County Assassins a 3-2 lead in this best of seven series.



Now the dirty dirty Rangers take their thuggery and chicanery back to MSG facing elimination. That kind of thing may play in the Big Apple boys, but don't bring that garbage to the City of Good Neighbors.

Believe it!

Awesome Show Alert: The Whitest Kids U'Know

There are a lot of awesome shows on TV. Some are really awesome (The Office, How I Met Your Mother), some are kind of awesome (30 Rock, Battlestar Galactica) and some are not awesome at all (Nip/Tuck, I Love New York).

Once in a while, I discover a show that is pretty awesome. A new one I've found is The Whitest Kids U'Know, which is shown at odd hours on Fuse (channel 143 in Syracuse), which is Canada's version of MTV. Whitest Kids is a sketch comedy show that is a mix between Mr. Show with Bob and David and The Kids in the Hall, with the high-concept humor of the former and the loose, free-wheeling feel of the latter. I highly recommend setting the ol' DVR.

For some clips, go to the College Humor website tagged "WKUK". You can also go to their official site where they have tons of archived clips. Okay, so maybe you might not like it, but I just watched two episodes and laughed my ass off. Give it a shot, what have you got to lose for chrissakes?

You can see the "Hitler Rap" sketch right here.


Enjoy.

The Goal

I should have expected this.

I am less bothered by this (which I am 99.3% sure was actually a goal) than I am by the Sabres' lethargy in this game. They didn't even wake up at all until the Rangers were already up 2-0 on them late in the 3rd period. As soon as that happened, they started FINALLY playing Sabre hockey. Passing, speeding by defenders, crashing the net. ATTACKING!

Why did it take them 50 minutes to start playing? They were not physical, but they were also not finesse. I know they have to be patient, but they are TOO patient. They're letting the Rangers disrupt all their passing. They are not utilizing their speed and are being careless.

This Rangers team is NOT that good. Come on, goddammit! They need to start overwhelming them with speed and wear those old bastards out. Lundqvist can't stop you forever, but maybe some misdirection or some shots from the outside instead of 50-foot slap shots directly into his bread basket.

You're better than this, boys. Don't go out like that.

Marshawn and Poz

Seems like my Bills did alright in the Draft this weekend. Apparently they "reached" for their first pick, Cal Running Back Marshawn Lynch, and got a "steal" with their second pick, Paul Posluszny, a linebacker from "Linebacker U," Penn State.

I like these guys a lot. Marshawn looks like a rapper from 1992, and Pozluszny looks like A.J. Soprano with some bulk on him. Marshawn is very soft-spoken, and seems very enthusiastic. Pozluszny is probably a bit of a meathead, but he's our meathead now, dammit!

Here are some highlights of each one, set to musical accompaniment.

First Marshawn Lynch, set to N.W.A's wonderful "100 Miles and Runnin'" (the clean version)



And also, Paul Pozlaz ... Puzlas.... they just call him "Poz", to "Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor.



Apparently these two fellas knew each other before. You can see the Marshawn-Poz connection at the Bills' offical site. There are also some interviews with each draft pick you can get to from that site.

One of them is bound to be a bust, but here's to optimism.

SLUG-Fest!

Tonight is Game One of the second round NHL Playoff series between the New York Rangers and the Buffalo Sabres. My beloved Banana Slugs were the best team in the league this year and even won the President's Trophy. They are actually a favorite to win the Stanley Cup.



But as all fans of Buffalo sports know, high expectations are bad expectations. Year after year we hear the hype and we get ourselves set up for some kind of championship and it just never happens. In fact, it usually ends up in heartbreaking defeat. (See exhibits "A", "B", and "C".) We have more nicknames for heartbreaking sports moments than any other city, I reckon.



So though we were the bully of the block this year, it gives me little confidence or comfort. We've been the best in the league before (1990 Bills, for example) and have no hardware to show for it.
So all I can hope is that the Sabres (and I know this is a cliche) "play their game," which means wearing them down with speed, yet being patient and not trying to beat the Rangers (who are red-hot) at their own game. They can't match up to the Rangers' size or brawn, but they can just wait for the Blue Shirts to make a mistake and pounce on it. If they can overwhelm them like they did the Philadelphia Flyers in last year's first round, they could deflate them quickly. But of course, I'm not expecting it. We Buffalo fans are used to low expectations. It's the only way we can handle all that losing. This is my pre-emptive "Aw shucks" post, I guess. Wouldn't it be fitting that the NHL's glamour team -- the Rangers, a #6 seed -- upset the juggernaut Sabres. That would give the NHL a ratings boost, right? Other than the fact that hockey ratings don't really bump up for big-market teams and that Buffalo is the most exciting team in the league anyway. Either way, we're doomed.

Unless...

And I shudder to even type this out for fear of jinxing them, but ...

What if the Sabres really are as good as they say they are?
What if their character really can transcend all else?
What if they can stay injury-free and right the wrongs of last year? (I mean, CAROLINA????)
What if the lackluster play against the Islanders inspires them to break free in this round?
What if Danny Briere, Chris Drury, Ryan Miller and Tim Connolly can redeem the shortcomings of Miroslav Satan, Mike Peca, Dominic Hasek and Stu Barnes eight seasons ago?

What if....

No, I can't say it. I want to, but I can't.

But what if....???



I'm just saying....

Get out there and light those lamps boys. It's time.

Return of Herbdome

It has been approximately six full months since I have recapped my small blogging network, so I thought it was high time to send out some highlights of the last few months. Please feel free to take a gander and comment if you wish, but please be courteous. Remember, these people's families read it too! (I'm talking to you, ECP!) Join me, won't you?

VIDEOS OF NOTE

• For a double-dose of Will Ferrell, you can check out the majestic video for the majestic film Blades of Glory, or one of our great songwriters in the Neil Diamond "Storytellers" video.
  
  
• No, it's not the Change O'Pacers Juggernaut that Willie, Toastie and I used to play on, it's the "Third Coming" of basketball dominance.
  
  
• Bruce Campbell stars in one of the finest non-sequitur commericals we've ever seen. Whatever "IT" is, I sure wish I had some!
  
  
• Our own Willie Moe, and his opus, Bitterness is a Fish You Can Catch, gets mentioned on a Washington, D.C. area sports-blog show! Truly redonkulous!
  
  BEER
  
• Everyone had a little fun at my expense just because no beer as fine as Guinness has ever been crafted. Thank you Danny and Jables.
  
  
• Willie Moe brews up a beautiful Grand Cru, combining my two favorite things in this world: Football and Beer. Well, two of my three favorite things.
  
  SPORTS
  
• Drinking is not really my thing. Neither are games. But yet I love drinking games. Willie shows us how it's done on Bitterness's NFL Draft Drinking game. Dunford comes up with an unusual but intriguing NFL Draft Fantasy-type thing.
  
  
• ECP shows the Schenectady connection in baseball.
  
  
• Mike, as always, is f**king clueless about the NFL Draft.
  
  NEWS
  
• The whole Don Imus affair touched us all in very deep ways. Mike C hates Imus but recognizes the double-standard. ECP calls Imus an anti-dude. Willie let us explore the white people with Nappy Heads.
  
  
• Albany Patroons coach Michael Ray Richardson also said a few stupid things.
  
  MISCELLANEOUS
  
• Mike C doesn't really like women to begin with, and definitely is not diggin' the Hot Chick in the workplace.
  
  
• Coincidentally, two quote-unquote "hot chicks" in their own right (or is it their own minds?! HAHA!!!!!!) -- Tracie and Trish -- start their blogs anew: Tracie rebooting hers, Trish starting from scratch. Tracie, the coquettish flower that she is, talks about taking a dump in a public place and the rules therein. Trish laughs at people falling on their asses, some she caused, some she didn't. Mischievous monkeys!
  
  
• ECP met a Presidential candidate!
  

It's Cheap But It Gets the Job Done

I know, this is gonna be another cheap post just to make sure I get something in for April. I have a really long one (related to rap music) that I've been working on for a couple weeks, but that one's only about half done. Instead, just the crap that's out there right now:

• That South Korean asshole who shot up Va-Tech the other day was clearly a piece of garbage. Just because you are a "loner" doesn't excuse you for being a worthless, cowardly bitch who has start indiscrimnately shooting at unarmed people. And wearing a bullet-proof vest no less! I half-wish I could shoot myself so I could descent down to hell myself and hunt this fucker down and beat his fucking head in with a spiked bat for a half hour. He ended up taking the cowardly way out anyway by blowing his own brains out, so he wouldn't have to deal with any consequences. I personally believe that the names of these shooters should not be made public, because it only gives them the recognition they clearly want. Instead, we should give them pseudonyms: This loser could be the "Wah-Wah Nobody Likes Me Cuz I Smell Like Feces" killer. ("Boo-Hoo" would also work, as long as the news anchor frowns and rubs his or her eyes when saying it.) The Columbine kids should be "Two Faggots." (They would hate that name so much.) The douche who caused the 1927 Bath School Disaster could be the "Tiny Dick Bomber." Since these fuckbags take the easy way out, this is probably the best way to punish them.
  
• Black people: Get over Imus. Get over words. If you told a black man 50 years ago that a washed up DJ saying "Nappy Headed Hoes" (the correct spelling by the way, not "hos") is the worst you would get, I'm sure that gentleman would be thrilled. The double standard has got to stop. Play the song "B**ches Ain't S**t" by Dr. Dre or basically anything by Snoop and you will hear far worse. And where the hell was Reverend Al after charges were dropped in the Duke Rape Case? A case that made three asshole college kids look like martyrs. Or after that thug beat up that old white lady? Or that fight between African-American teenagers during a high school basketball game at Madison Square Garden? Which of these do you think is more damaging to the image of black people in this country? Why does the reverend absolve his own community of pretty serious ills, yet go after a shock-jock for a throw-away comment? You are next, black folks: rap lyrics and comedy routines are going to be held under scrutiny from now on. Or at least they should be.
  
• My Buffalo Sabres were the best team in the NHL this year, and hopefully will be able to fly through the first round of the playoffs. I'm hoping the Game 2 loss to the Islanders will galvanize them to not take any team for granted and not get cocky. The swagger I like; the cockiness not so much. They can beat any team in the league, and they have to learn to do it in the playoffs. If they can stay healthy and keep their scoring mojo going, they will be tough to beat. Oh how a Stanley Cup would bring such joy to my life! There is a 6,000 seat waiting list for season tickets. If Ralph Wilson ever dies, I'm hoping that Tom Golisano buys the Bills. He seems to know what he's doing.
  
• I think I might have to crown Stone Brewery's Ruination IPA as my favorite beer. (You can visit my Beer Advocate profile by visiting my link on the blogroll to the right. You can also feel free to present me with six- or twelve-packs of beer at your leisure.) A little tip for all my female friends out there, especially those of you who don't like beer all that much: try the "Hanami Ale" by Smuttynose Brewery(you can find it in most good beer stores). It has a nice cherry fruitiness and it's quite delicious.
  
• NFL Draft weekend is 10 days away. As many of you know, we have a bit of a blowout planned at my Grant Bully Compound for Saturday and Sunday. It starts at noon-sharp, so chop-chop. There will be libations and lively conversation. If you were not familiar with this event, please get in touch with me on my mobile phone for directions. There will be a couple of door prizes, hopefully only a few dangits, but a hatful of fancy-plays. Oh, and bring as many jerseys as you can: there might be a few surprises in store!
  
• American Idol has one more show to convince me to keep watching. Here is what I can tell you about this season: The judges picked a pretty weak Top 24, Sanjaya is not horrible but he's not good, Haley could not sing at all but had killer legs and a cute smile, Latin and Pop Music weeks were dull as dogshit, I hate Blake and his stupid phony beatboxing, Lakisha might not be bad looking if she dropped 187 lbs and got her teeth fixed, I think Jordin is the dark horse, Phil seems like a dude but also kinda looks like Gollum, I like Chris now that he stopped bobbing his head like an epileptic. This show has got to get better this year, though. The songs are bad, the singers are average. Melinda is the only one who you can count on, and she's so good that it's boring. This could be the year that A.I. finally jumps the shark.
  
• Saw Blades of Glory. Loved every second. Toastie didn't seem as impressed, but I couldn't stop smiling. And the girl who plays Pam on The Office looked surprisingly cute.
  

Okay, that's all I got. I promise when my internet comes back up I'll start crankin' em out again.