Ohio's Finest

I know that I promised to rein in the political stuff, but then Palin and McCain need to stop giving me fodder!

This is a truly amazing video of people outside a Palin rally, courtesy of Blogger Interrupted. Enjoy the views of the state that decided the 2004 election, folks.



UPDATE:

Dana Milbank of the Washington Post gives an absolutely terrifying account of a McCain-Palin rally in the cesspool of Bethlehem, PA. These people are a bunch of hate-filled racists. Never has there been a clearer line between the rational and the evil.

UPDATE II:
Oh God, there's more!

Who's The Boss?

Since I've been told that I am getting "boring" because of my political obsession, I have decided to throw a curveball. Yes, my political obsession will continue for about four more weeks, but for those that care, here is the list of my five worst bosses at various jobs.

Let me be very clear, none of these people are folks that I currently work with. I am very satisfied (knock on wood) with my current job and I like my superiors, but something a few days ago triggered some of the miserable experiences I've had at other employers. I may have to change some names to protect my own ass the innocent, and I may choose more than one person who was in charge at any given place. These are in no particular order.

• Scott and Dan - Boston Chicken.
  
  Before it became "Boston Market," I helped open the first Boston Chicken restaurant in the Rochester area. Please, don't applaud. In fact, it was the second job that I had with my boy Mike C. (the other one is later in this list), and there were basically three bosses: Ted, who was a nice enough guy but obviously a company man who tried in futility to make everyone like him, but also to gain respect; another goofy Herman Munster-type whose name I can't remember; and Dan.
  
  Dan was a phony douchebag who would smile in your face and then talk shit behind your back. The turning point with Dan was when I was supposed to go to a pool party right after my high school graduation, and I tried to call in sick, but Dan said "If you call in today, you no longer have a job." Since I inexplicably wanted to keep my three work hours and $15.50 a week, I missed the party and went to work, miserably. Dan also threatened to fire someone on the spot if they ate a piece of cornbread that he was going to throw away in a huge plastic bag full of cornbread.
  
  There was an assistant manager named Scott as well, a big stupid lug of a moron who could barely speak and walked with his enormous belly sticking out ten feet, while he leaned backward to balance himself. Scott is not only the dumbest person I've ever met (and trust me, he has competition), but also the most assholish.
  
  The turning point with Scott and I was during a week where one of the managers was out, and Scott was made "acting manager." I was a server, which means I got the food and rang people up. There was a clear delineation between the servers, the cooks and the dishwashers. The servers were mostly the good-looking ones (remember this was a long time ago), the cooks were older and were usually working 40 hours, and the dishwashers were punks and ne'er-do-wells, never to be seen in front. Scott made me wash dishes in the back rooms. I didn't mind washing dishes -- that's what Mike and I did at our other job, more to come -- but it smelled like sour onions back there. So I pouted and went back to the back room to wash dishes with equipment I had never been taught to use. Scott came back to the area and started spraying me with a hose. I said "What the fuck Scott?" He said, as if he were Scott Farkas talking to Ralphie, "Aw, what's wrong? Pussy server can't wash dishes?" Classic power trip; what a dick.
  
  Fun post-script: The day I decided I didn't want to work there anymore, I called Boston Chicken and Dan picked up. I said, "Hi Dan, it's Bill. I'm quitting." He said, "What?" I said, "I'm quitting." In his most cheerful voice, he said, "Okay!" and hung up on me. Poor Mike happened to be working at the time, and Dan and Ted both tried to yell at Mike, saying stuff like "What the hell? He's your friend? Why the hell didn't he give any notice?!" Mike, to his credit, picked up the phone at the restaurant, dialed my number, held the phone out and said "Why don't you fuckin' ask him yourself?" They turned and walked away, of course.
  
  
• Angelo - The Apartments
  
  The job that I quit Boston Chicken for was a job that I did for three consecutive summers from 1994 to 1996, between school years. My buddy Tim worked there and told me they were looking for "summer help" and I could interview. The interview consisted of talking to the owner of the complex for about 2 minutes: "Ang." (Pronounced "Anj.")
  
  The job basically consisted of mindless busy work, like vaccuuming apartment hallways, clipping hedges, mowing lawns, painting fences, light maintenance work, and the worst of all, weeding. The work was the definition of mindless, and I don't do well with only my thoughts to drive me nuts. Naturally, Ang made me stop wearing my walkman after my first two-hour period, in case "a ladder falls on top of you or some shit." Because not having my walkman on would definitely have allowed me to hear a ladder falling on top of me just in time to evade it.
  
  Here's a brief list of reason I hated Ang: he made me weed his yard which was about a mile from the complex; he made me vaccuum his car; he yelled at me for sitting down to pull a very large weed from his car, rolling down the window only to yell, "You better get off your ass, pal!"; he wouldn't say hi to my dad when my dad would drop me off; he pulled me into his office once to tell me he'd have to let me go if I didn't improve my "slownessness."
  
  Ang had a right-hand man named Mike, who had a deep raspy voice, brown teeth and yelled at me all the time. When he left the complex, Mike would come back every once in a while because his wife worked there. Whenever I saw him after he left, Mike was super nice to me, almost like he missed me. It was weird to say the least. But I realized that the reason he was such a prick to me all the time was because Ang was up his ass all the time.
  
  
• Dave - Richardson's Canal House
  
  Richardson's was my first job, which I got at the tender age of 16. Cialini got the job for me and we actually had a lot of fun working together, listening to rap tapes and working six-hour shifts with no breaks.
  
  Dave was the head chef, and although he had an outward demeanor of being nice, he had a seething side under the surface that was almost sinister. There were two main incidents that ended Dave and my relationship. The first was when Mike quit and Dave told me to "recruit" someone from my school to work alongside me. He said he'd give me a quarter raise if I did it. So I got this wigger Andy from my school to apply, and he got the job, and of course he sucked and made me do all the work. I noticed that I never got my quarter raise. One day, when we got our paychecks, I naughtily looked in Andy's check envelope when he was out of the kitchen and noticed that he started -- STARTED -- making a quarter more than me.
  
  But the last straw was a gorgeous bit of karma. I used to work with a guy named Phil, who we called Philly. One night, we were at the restaurant late (we'd routinely be there until after midnight even though I think they closed at 8 or 9), but I had to take my SATs the next day. I felt bad, but I knew that since my grades in high school were shit, I'd have to get a good score on my SATs to get into college. (I got an 1150 that first time; a 1250 later. Not too shabby.) So it was approaching 11pm and I told Philly that I just had to go, even though that meant I had to leave him alone, probably to stay for at least another 2 hours while he got a bunch of stuff done. He was cool about it, to his credit.
  
  Well the next afternoon when I came in, Dave lit into me. And I mean LIT IN. He was sitting on an upturned crate, and he said, "There is no way you should have left Philly there by himself. He was here until 2 in the fucking morning, what the fuck? That is bullshit. I should fire your ass right now. I'm not going to, but I should." [Note: The reason he didn't fire me is because he didn't have any other dishwashers available at the moment.] I told Dave, "Dude, I had to take my SATs." I wanted to day, "Douchebag, listen to me, there is no way I'm gonna fuck up my SATs to mop a floor." Long story short, Dave got violently ill that very day right in front of me, curled up on the floor writhing in agony, undoubtebly a punch in the gut from God. I never saw him again, quitting a few weeks later.
  
  
• John - Blockbuster Video
  
  John wasn't really the worst boss to me because I barely had to deal with him, but he was the typical blowhard asshole who took his job wayyy too seriously, and thought he was a real cut-up. His office was located in a tiny backroom of the store where I worked, and since he ran the whole district, he would pop his meaty frame out from the back room once every workday to flex his supervisory muscle.
  
  I hated working for him, though, because when we was miserable, my direct boss -- Scott, arguably the best boss I've ever had -- was miserable. Scott was a great guy who was all about his employees. He was the kind of guy that would always back me up with a difficult customer, and if I screwed up, he would chalk it up to a learning opportunity. Everything that I've ever learned about having some authority in a job, I learned from Scott. When John quit one day and Scott took over for him, I think I snubbed John when he tried to say good bye. I'm not sure about that but it feels like I did.
  
  
• Anonymous - Anonymous job
  
  This one is still close. A job I left recently was taken over by a miserable person. The person took over my previous boss's job amid rumors of being some sort of administrative genius. What I saw from this person was nothing but micromanaging, overreaction and petty squabbles. I found out sometime after I had left that, apparently, some years earlier, I had been on a conference call with this person (before the person was my boss), and said something to piss the person off. Apparently, Anonymous never forgot it, because it followed me to the restructuring. (The person who told me that also mentioned that Anonymous felt threatened by me, but that was more a theory, and one I'm not sure I completely buy.)
  
  To paraphrase my man Obama, Anonymous came into a situation that required a scalpel and started making changes with a hatchet. My whole job changed from strategizing to babysitting. All the research I had done over the previous two years went out the window, unwelcome by the the new regime. I would get overreactive instant messages from Anonymous, telling me basically telling me I was doing my job incorrectly. All of my ideas were suppressed, all my enthusiasm sapped. The tipping point for me was when I received an email that was a teeth-gnashing, venomous document that you would have thought came from a CEO whose company had just lost $50 million. Anonymous said, and I quote, "I am so frustrated, I want to tear my hair out piece by piece in bloody hunks." The source of the frustration: a one-page spreadsheet that was completely irrelevant and that only Anonymous gave two shits about. Anonymous basically took over my job because, in that person's mind, I wasn't smart enough to do it.
  
  One of the most satisfying moments of my working life was when I got offered my current job and I got to call Anonymous and announce I was leaving. Anonymous sounded shocked, but for once that person's demeanor didn't mean anything to me.
  
  

Well maybe this didn't prevent me from being boring but at least it was different, I guess. I must reiterate, for the record, in case this post falls into the wrong hands, I am thrilled to be in my current job and love everything about it. Even the stress. And no one in my current place of employment appears to be running the risk of appearing any updates to this post. In other words, don't fire me. Thanks.

Philadelphia Fliers

Enjoy this bogus "anonymous" letter (courtesy of Talking Points Memo) that was handed out in the black neighborhoods of Philadelphia, apparently to try to suppress the black voters into thinking they would be arrested at polling sites if they had outstanding warrants or traffic tickets. It's really wonderful...

Letterman's Palin Recap

Priceless...



UPDATE:

Also wonderful...

Biden-Palin Debate Notes

A couple initial thoughts about the Biden-Palin debate...

• Palin did not have the Garth Algar in "Wayne's World" or Albert Brooks in "Broadcast News" moment that I thought she would have. She didn't collapse, and she didn't freeze up like a deer in the headlights. But after the initial round about the economy -- in which she did fairly well -- she didn't say anything of substance or significance. She used a bunch of generic platitudes: freedom, maverick, government-for-the-people. She came off very confident and competent, but if you read a transcript of what she actually SAID, she was very generic. Still, kudos to her for not dying out there.
  
  
• Having said that, Biden wiped the floor with this woman on the issues. He might not have the "you betcha" populist charm that Palin has, but he was 1000% more sound on specifics than Palin was. He was confident, affable and not at all arrogant or condescending. (Even though I think he should have exposed her a little more for the fraud she is.) His moment where he mentioned losing his wife and baby daughter and not knowing if his child was going to make it was sincere ... not at all contrived or scripted. I played a drinking game with myself that I would take a sip whenever Biden said "change" or "literally" (two words he does overuse). But I could have been a Baptist preacher given the number of times he blurted those out.
  
  
• CNN had a bunch of stuff happening on their HD screens. First, there was a chart at the bottom of the screen that looks like a heart meter that told how men and women in the state of Ohio thought about each particular point being made -- negative or positive. Forget the fact that Ohio voted for Bush two elections in a row, and therefore should have all their electoral votes called into question, it's very distracting to hear a bunch of Wole-Marts moms-n-dads giving their instant feedback to any given piece of information that the VP candidates are saying. Also, on the HD feed, there were running polls by the pundits, giving pluses and minuses for every moment, much like the show "Around the Horn" on ESPN. It was super-distracting.
  
  
• Gwen Ifill was absolutely terrible. She skipped around and didn't give equal time for each one to answer. There were times that I would have loved to have had Biden respond to something Palin said, and other times it would have been great to get Palin's perspective. But Ifill just stuck to her script and didn't allow for the spontenaity that Jim Lehrer had encouraged just 6 days prior.
  
  
• NBC's Brian Williams had three people on a panel for post-debate spin. He had Peggy Noonan -- a former Ronald Regan speechwriter, gee, I wonder who she preferred -- a middle-of-the-road person from NPR (who gave the only worthwhile perspective), and the worthless Jane Swift, former governor of Massachussetts, who was glowing in her talking-points-heavy praise of Palin. If people like Swift, Romney, Pataki, Palin, Schwartzenegger, Ventura and Jeb Bush are any indication, apparently it's not that hard to be the governor of a state. This analysis was worthless. Can we just kill the "spin" that goes on in this country? On both sides? Spin is the reason we no longer have "truth" but only "differing perspectives." I miss truth.
  
  
• I don't think this is going to save McCain. I think that unless something HUGE happens (such as Obama accidentally burning down an orphanage), he is going to take this election. He has the glow around him.
  
  
• I am so annoyed with people confusing "uneducated" with "folksy." Just because you are simple and don't have the "curiosity" gene, does not make you simply "regular folk." We should not be rewarding "regular guys" by voting them into office. We have had a "regular guy" president for eight years and it has been a disaster. Let's not say that since someone didn't get any fancy book-learnin' that they should somehow be confused with salt-of-the-earth regular people. Ignorance is ignorance; stop making excuses for people -- not just Palin, but all people -- who are uneducated but try to pass it off as simply having "small town values." Enough of that shit.

This won't really change the game much, but it was pretty interesting. Palin didn't fall flat on her face, but read the transcript: she really didn't say much other than a lot of hollow catch-phrases. Read this knee-jerk poll to show that it didn't really move anyone either way. The more I've been reading about this, the more I am convinced that Palin actually did more harm than good by being the talking points candidate, and showing her disregard for minutiae.

We shall see....

UPDATE:

See any similarities?


UPDATE II:

Enjoyed this from today's Wonkette.

Palin Comparison

Before I get into this, I wanted to point out two excellent articles today regarding Sarah Palin. It seems that some people are finally getting it. The first was from Newsweek's Fareed Zakaria ("Palin is Ready? Please"), which breaks down her laughable "knowledge." And in Salon, Rebecca Traister gives us "The Sarah Palin pity party," which is a blistering attack not only on the McCain campaign's cynical decision to pick her in the first place to be the V.P. pick, but also but also the dichotomy in which Palin tries to attack in a blitzkrieg fashion only to quickly recede behind the protective cover of sexism and faux-condescension. The Traister piece is probably the best article I have read on the hypocrisy and double-standard of Palin's part in the campaign.

I'm sure that both of my loyal readers think that I am in love with Sarah Palin, because I talk about her so much. But I'm not. I do have a sort of macabre fascination with her, not because of her as a person or as a candidate, but by the wave of Palin-mania that followed her second-to-last night of the RNC. I thought she read that speech very well, but she was mean-spirited and simplistic. And quite honestly, the degree to which the right-wing took to her was either a sign that they were desperate for some kind of excitement (and based on the latest polls, they may have been premature) or that the NASCAR/Wrestlemania states have no idea what charisma actually is.

The debate tomorrow between Sarah P and my boy Smokin' Joe Biden is going to be very interesting. On one hand, the worry on the part of the Republicans is either very real -- considering the way she has butchered all of her non-Sean Hannity interviews -- or incredibly shrewd, so as to set her up for rock bottom expectations. If this works, then she will probably come out looking good, right?

And a lot of people are saying that Biden has got to watch himself so as to not come off as condescending. They don't want him to pull a Rick Lazio and invade her personal space and get all up in her grill.

I say, BRING THE CONDESCENSION! There is no way that Palin should be allowed to get off easy just because she is a woman, or just because she is "regular folk." Times are too tough to be fooled by someone who seems, I suppose, personally likeable. Biden should not be afraid to point this woman out as a fraud. Which would you rather have? A sometimes too-verbose foreign policy savant (who does use the word "literally" way too much, which is a major pet peeve of mine) who dares to call to the forefront the lack of experience by a particular politician, or that politician who clearly doesn't know anything? I can't imagine that given the financial and global crises we are facing, that too many people are going to go for the soft-sell approach and vote for someone just because they think she's cute or think she's a cool person.

This country is looking for stability. Leadership. I have always said that the first person after 9/11 to make me feel like someone had things under control wasn't George Bush, it was Joe Biden. He has the ability to be that authoritative voice, filled with wisdom and experience, and yes, with outrage. If you see any clips of Biden at the Robert Bork or Clarence Thomas Supreme Court confirmation hearings, you know he can rip your head off pretty fast. He is windy, but I've never seen him come off as arrogant or aloof. He's just a brilliant guy who isn't afraid to show his brilliance. In other words, my kinda fella!

So Joe, don't listen to the skeptics. Now is the time to show everyone that the Emperor has no clothes. (I only wish that Cindy McCain was the Emperor, am I right fellows?!) Don't be afraid to expose this woman for the moose in the headlights that she is. Nothing would give me greater pleasure than to see that trademarked Palin blank stare in some foreign policy question, only to have Biden scoop up the question and rattle off the names of every foreign leader in the nation. Soon enough it'll be back to the kid's table for Governor Hockey Mom.

Sarah Unraveling

And the ouches just keep on comin'...

My Electoral Map

CNN.com has a kind of cool thing where you can make your own electoral map.

Here is the one I made. They give you help with most of the "safe" states, but you can change all of them. Here is how I see it shaking out. We'll see in November if I'm a regular Tim Russert or if it's "Dewey Defeats Truman" all over again.

Play Simon

Simon made by Neave Games

Garbage In the Streets

I think you'll enjoy this.

I was driving down W. Manlius Street in Eastwood to buy a shower curtain. I was pretty much the only one on the road and was enjoying the sights of laundromats, townie bars and gas stations, footloose and fancy-free at 30 mph. I had a joyous, relaxing day off from work today and got quite a bit done -- although it turns out not as much as I had wanted to, although I will definitely get to it later.

Just when I thought my trek couldn't be more carefree or unobstructed, my number one pet peeve occurred: being cut off. I am not what you call a "reckless" driver; I drive with the utmost amount of reck you would find. But I am an impatient and aggressive driver. I don't like being slowed down because of some schmuck who doesn't know the rules of the road. I am well-known in my small circle of friends for "clearing the lane" on the I-90 Thruway; that is, tailgating cars in the left-hand lane to get them to move their asses to the right-hand lane so the rest of us who are actually driving OVER 70 mph can get to where we are going in a decent amount of time. Oddly, I find that the left-lane traffic is far worse going West (toward Rochester/Buffalo) than it is going east (to Utica/Albany).

Anyhoo, I thought I was going to be able to get to a main intersection unabated, when up ahead and to the left, I could see the ass-end of a truck, backing out of some townie bar parking lot and into the main road. There was no other traffic coming from either direction, except me to hinder his progress, so apparently he figured it was okay to just back directly into the road, forcing me to slow down and/or stop.

Usually, when I am backing into a road like this, I tend to do it expeditiously, often shifting from "reverse" to "drive" in a quick manner, often doing a mini peel-out to show that I meant no harm. The driver of this particular piece-of-shit cobalt blue truck, however, had no such designs on putting up a guise of traffic etiquette. Instead, he slowed it down to an almost complete stop, keeping his white reverse lights on for a few extra seconds, until finally putting his car into drive and going on his merry way.

Of course, I could never just let something like that go, so I purposely sped up to get very close to right behind him, and made a grand gesture of stopping abruptly, to show that he had indeed slowed me down. Then something puzzling happened...

Before I get to that part, let me quickly describe the couple sitting in the cab of the truck. The husband, probably about 5'8", wearing a baseball cap that probably has the number "3" with a halo around it, with a white tank top. The wife, probably about 5'10", hair in a bun, pink tank top, about 260 lbs. She looked like Chris Farley with a red wig. I put her odds of owning a yellow banana clip at 16-1.

Anyway, keep in mind, I never honked, never shook my fist out the window, never flashed my lights. I think the only thing I did was shake my head in tsk-tsking disapproval.

Suddenly, I see the wife/girlfriend/food-tester slide open the dual windows in the back of the cab. (You know the kind I mean, the two windows that look like a sliding glass door. I'm sure there's a name for it, but maybe it's just "sliding windows." And now, back to the countdown.) I also see the male driver adjust his rear-view window, maybe so he can look at me better.

The female proceeds to turn her body so that she is sitting sideways in the cab, and looks backward out the window for me. She then puts her arm out, as if she is putting it around her miserable boyfriend's shoulder, but with her hand hanging out of the back of the window. I found this curious, but hey, maybe some people have odd ways of being comfortable.

Out of nowhere, this woman flips me off. Stares out that window and flips me off! I showed a remarkable amount of restraint, I felt, in not honking, or even flashing my lights at these inbreds even though they were driving 20-25 mph after they cut in front of me. Yet, this Mindy Cohn look-alike has the gall to shoot her fat little hamhock-like mitt out the window and shoot me the bird? I think I actually said to myself aloud, "Did she just fuckin flip me off?" And I didn't even say it mad, I said it in the same way someone would say, "Do you know if we have any cereal?"

Nothing really happened after that, unfortunately, other than the fact that as soon as the single-lane road split off into two lanes, I sped off at a tremendous speed. I could have thrown the middle finger out the window myself or yelled "have another dooonut ya fat fuckin pig!" But I didn't. I went back to my satifsying life, where I am fulfilled by friends, learning, good books, crossword puzzles, films, great beer and music. They went back to their Dale, Sr. shrine and talked about how much they hate blacks. That's enough for me.

Carly Fiorino Digs Herself (and McCain-Palin) Into a Hole

"His Worldview?"

Ahhhh... that's my girl! Don't forget, she's looking to be a heartbeat away from being the leader of the free world, folks.



Another beauty queen who has about as much foreign policy expertise...



Eek!

To quote Norman Ornstein of Politico:

She had me at hello Charley-- had me scared to death. A combination of utter inexperience and utter arrogance is about the worst possible combination I can imagine. Not knowing what the Bush Doctrine is would be bad enough, but saying unequivocally that Georgia should be in NATO-- meaning we would now perhaps be in a state of war with Russia-- and then without a beat saying that military action should be the last resort-- shows a series of knowledge and logic gaps that ought to shake every foreign policy specialist, liberal or conservative, Democrat or Republican, to his or her roots.

And sayeth Wonkette:

We were expecting a puffy sort of chit-chat, and it mostly is, except for the part where they talk about WAR WITH FREAKING RUSSIA. Now, when you run around saying Georgia and Ukraine should be let into NATO — as both John McCain and Barack Obama do — as some reward for establishing a vaguely democratic government, that’s much more than a harmless platitude — there are actual, real-world implications! No one has really bothered to push McCain or Obama on this, which is why it’s so hilarious that Gibson pushed Palin on it during her first big interview. And she fucked up.

Lipstick on a C**t

Sorry, you can't be both an attack-dog and a shrinking violet.

Sorry Sarah Palin. No. Bad Governor. Bad bad Governor.

You can't rip into Obama and then feign offense and outrage because he used the age-old "lipstick on a pig" cliche.

Come out of your dungeon where you're trying to not make an ass of yourself in your debate and maybe say something off the cuff.

If you're gonna throw spears, you better have a shield ready. And if you're gonna be mouthy, you better be ready to get that mouth bloodied. You can't walk into a bar and talk shit without getting in a scuffle; what makes you think you can start being a lippy broad, but then be falsely outraged by quote-unquote "sexism"?

You can't.

If you can't handle it, take your Fargo accent back to Juneau. All your executive experience is sorely being missed up there.

This ain't hunting wolves from a helicopter, toots; The wolf is up in your smiley face. You think Putin is going to worry about being a sexist in a staredown? You think that douche in Iran gives a shit about being insensitive? Kim Jong Il is twice the woman you are anyway.

Put on a helmet or get the fuck off the gridiron.

Go Bills, Beat Those Seahawks!

Picks 2008 - Football is Here!

I rounded up a bunch of my friends to make football predictions. In February, we'll come back and revisit these picks and see who knows about football! Here we go!

AFC East Champ
Danny, My Original College Friend: New England
EJ, My First Hispanic Roommate: New England
Bill, Me: Buffalo just kidding, New England
Cunningham, My Football Buddy and Second Tallest Friend: New England
Dunford, Nicest Guy Alive: New England
Toastie, My Cuddliest Friend: New England
Jitter, My Tallest Friend and Rabble-Rouser: New England
Mike (f/k/a Beach Justice), My Favorite Brother: New England
Willie, Cocksman: New England
Javen, Professional Beerjangler: Buffalo!

AFC North Champ
Danny: Pittsburgh
EJ: Pittsburgh
Bill: Cleveland
Cunningham: Pittsburgh
Dunford: Pittsburgh
Toastie: Cleveland
Jitter: Pittsburgh
Mike: Pittsburgh
Willie: Cleveland
Javen: Pittsburgh

AFC South Champ
Danny: Indianapolis
EJ: Indianapolis
Bill: Jacksonville
Cunningham: Indianapolis
Dunford: Jacksonville
Toastie: Jacksonville
Jitter: Jacksonville
Mike: Indianapolis
Willie: Indianapolis
Javen: Indianapolis

AFC West Champ
Danny: San Diego
EJ: San Diego
Bill: San Diego
Cunningham: San Diego
Dunford: San Diego
Toastie: San Diego
Jitter: San Diego
Mike: San Diego
Willie: San Diego
Javen: San Diego

AFC Wild Card teams
Danny: Jacksonville, Houston
EJ: Kansas City, NY Jets
Bill: Pittsburgh, Indianapolis
Cunningham: Jacksonville, Denver
Dunford: Indianapolis, Buffalo
Toastie: Indianapolis, Houston
Jitter: Indianapolis, NY Jets
Mike: Buffalo, Jacksonville
Willie: Jacksonville, Pittsburgh
Javen: Cleveland, Jacksonville

---

NFC East Champ
Danny: Dallas
EJ: NY Giants
Bill: Dallas
Cunningham: Dallas
Dunford: Dallas
Toastie: NY Giants (fuckin' Kevin Boss baby!)
Jitter: Philadelphia
Mike: Philadelphia
Willie: Dallas
Javen: Dallas

NFC North Champ
Danny: Minnesota
EJ: Minnesota
Bill: Chicago
Cunningham: Minnesota
Dunford: Minnesota
Toastie: (do I really have to pick one?) Minnesota
Jitter: Minnesota
Mike: Minnesota
Willie: Minnesota
Javen: Minnesota

NFC South Champ
Danny: New Orleans
EJ: New Orleans
Bill: Tampa Bay
Cunningham: New Orleans
Dunford: New Orleans
Toastie: New Orleans (you know why)
Jitter: New Orleans
Mike: New Orleans
Willie: New Orleans
Javen: New Orleans

NFC West Champ
Danny: Seattle
EJ: Arizona
Bill: Seattle
Cunningham: Seattle
Dunford: Seattle
Toastie: Arizona (the mighty Cardinal, cuz the little fella has a big heart, plus the season preview from deadspin was hilarious)
Jitter: Seattle
Mike: Seattle
Willie: Seattle
Javen: Seattle

NFC Wild Card teams
Danny: Philadelphia, NY Giants
EJ: Dallas, Chicago
Bill: Philadelphia, New Orleans
Cunningham: Philadelphia, Green Bay
Dunford: Carolina, Arizona
Toastie: Washington, DE-troit
Jitter: Dallas, St. Louis
Mike: Dallas, Arizona
Willie: Philadelphia, Carolina
Javen: Philadelphia, Green Bay

---

AFC Champion
Danny: San Diego
EJ: Indianapolis
Bill: New England
Cunningham: New England
Dunford: San Diego
Toastie: Indianapolis
Jitter: Jacksonville
Mike: Patriots
Willie: San Diego (over Jacksonville)
Javen: Pittsburgh

NFC Champion
Danny: Seattle
EJ: Dallas
Bill: Dallas
Cunningham: Dallas
Dunford: Dallas
Toastie: New Orleans
Jitter: Philadelphia
Mike: New Orleans
Willie: New Orleans (over Dallas)
Javen: New Orleans

Super Bowl Champion
Danny: San Diego
EJ: Indianapolis
Bill: Dallas
Cunningham: New England
Dunford: San Diego
Toastie: Indianapolis
Jitter: Philadelphia
Mike: New England
Willie: San Diego, 38-23
Javen: New Orleans

---

(Bonuses)
MVP
Danny: Tony Romo, DAL
EJ: Peyton Manning, IND
Bill: LaDainian Tomlinson, S.D.
Cunningham: L. Tomlinson, S.D.
Dunford: Tony Romo, DAL
Toastie: Adrian Peterson, MIN
Jitter: Brian Westbrook, PHI
Mike: Tom Brady, N.E.
Willie: L. Tomlinson, S.D.
Javen: pass

Offensive Player of the Year
Danny: Tony Romo, DAL
EJ: L. Tomlinson, S.D.
Bill: Adrian Peterson, MIN
Cunningham: L. Tomlinson, S.D.
Dunford: L. Tomlinson, S.D.
Toastie: Kevin Boss Drew "D.Breesy" Brees, N.O.
Jitter: Brian Westbrook, PHI
Mike: Tom Brady, N.E.
Willie: L.Tomlinson/Drew Brees
Javen: Drew Brees, N.O.

Defensive Player of the Year
Danny: Antonio Cromartie, S.D.
EJ: Derrick Johnson, K.C.
Bill: Lofa Tatupu, SEA
Cunningham: Dwight Freeney, IND
Dunford: Jared Allen, MIN
Toastie: DeMeco Ryans, HOU
Jitter: Mario Williams, HOU
Mike: Patrick Willis, S.F.
Willie: Mario Williams, HOU/Julius Peppers, CAR
Javen: Patrick Willis, S.F.

Coach of the Year
Danny: Norv Turner, S.D.
EJ: Tony Dungy, IND
Bill: Ken Whisenhunt, ARI
Cunningham: Tony Dungy, IND
Dunford: Jack Del Rio, JAC
Toastie: Sean Payton, N.O.
Jitter: Jack Del Rio, JAC
Mike: Richard Jauron, BUF
Willie: Romeo Crennel, CLE / Brad Childress, MIN
Javen: Dick Jauron

Offensive Rookie of the Year
Danny: Chris Jones, SEA
EJ: Donnie Avery, STL
Bill: Darren McFadden, OAK
Cunningham: Darren McFadden, OAK
Dunford: Jonathan Stewart, CAR
Toastie: Kevin Smith, DET
Jitter: Kevin Smith, DET
Mike: Dustin Keller, NYJ
Willie: Matt Ryan, ATL
Javen: Matt Forté, CHI / Matt Ryan, ATL

Defensive Rookie of the Year
Danny: Derrick Harvey, JAC
EJ: Glenn Dorsey, K.C.
Bill: Domanique Rodgers-Cromartie, ARI
Cunningham: Glenn Dorsey, K.C.
Dunford: Leodis McKelvin, BUF
Toastie: Glenn Dorsey, K.C.
Jitter: Glenn Dorsey, K.C.
Mike: Dominique Rodgers-Cromarti, ARI
Willie: Vernon Gholston, NYJ / Chris Long, STL
Javen: Chris Long, STL

---

Passing Leader (yds)
Danny: Carson Palmer, CIN
EJ: Tom Brady, N.E.
Bill: Drew Brees, NO
Cunningham: Tony Romo, DAL
Dunford: Tony Romo, DAL
Toastie: Peyton Manning, IND
Jitter: Tom Brady, N.E.
Mike: Drew Brees, N.O.
Willie: Drew Brees/Peyton Manning
Javen: Drew Brees, N.O.

Rushing Leader (yds)
Danny: Adrian Peterson, MIN
EJ: Adrian Peterson, MIN
Bill: Adrian Peterson, MIN
Cunningham: Adrian Peterson, MIN
Dunford: L. Tomlinson, S.D.
Toastie: Adrian Peterson, MIN
Jitter: Adrian Peterson, MIN
Mike: L. Tomlinson, S.D.
Willie: L.Tomlinson/A.Peterson
Javen: Adrian Peterson, MIN

Receiving Leader (yds)
Danny: Larry Fitzgerald, ARI
EJ: Randy Moss, N.E.
Bill: Randy Moss, N.E.
Cunningham: Terrell Owens, DAL
Dunford: Braylon Edwards, CLE
Toastie: Andre Johnson, HOU
Jitter: Reggie Wayne, IND
Mike: Randy Moss, N.E.
Willie: Braylon Edwards/Torry Holt
Javen: Larry Fitzgerald, ARI

Sack leader:
Danny: Mario Williams, HOU
EJ: Jared Allen, MIN
Bill: Mario Williams, HOU
Cunningham: Shaun Phillips, S.D.
Dunford: Jared Allen, MIN
Toastie: Justin Tuck, NYG
Jitter: Mario Williams, HOU
Mike: Mario Williams, HOU
Willie: Mario Williams, HOU
Javen: Justin Tuck, NYG

AFC Sleeper Team
Danny: Houston
EJ: Kansas City (their defense is going to grab them a couple upset wins)
Bill: Buffalo
Cunningham: Buffalo
Dunford: Buffalo
Toastie: Houston
Jitter: Baltimore
Mike: Buffalo
Willie: Houston
Javen: Buffalo

NFC Sleeper Team
Danny: New Orleans
EJ: Dallas (Romo in '08)
Bill: Detroit
Cunningham: Atlanta
Dunford: Arizona
Toastie: Arizona
Jitter: St. Louis
Mike: Arizona
Willie: Washington
Javen: Carolina

Write 'em down in case the internet crashes!

Take That You Tina Fey-Looking Dummy

A great line I read today on the Community Organizers Fight Back Blog.

Jesus Christ was a community organizer.

Pontius Pilate was a governor.



Barack-n-Roll on these pigs.

---

And another thing...

While it's annoying to hear John McCain talk about being part of "the party of Abraham Lincoln and Ronald Reagan" -- as if they are in the same league -- it is maddening to hear him evoke the name of Teddy Roosevelt, who actually left the Republican Party (when it was the liberal party in the United States, by the way) to form the Progressive Party in 1912. (This was when the Democrats were led by anti-Darwinist William Jennings Bryan, the Buffalo Bills of politicians, having lost the presidential election three times.) It's misleading and disingenuous.

---

And one more perspective...

It's On

...It is so fuckin' on.

Sarah Palin gave a pretty forceful speech, basically starting a new culture war between the small-town salt of the earth and the liberal elites.

But in doing so, she has to give up any pretense of being some kind of wilting flower when Joe Biden embarrasses her in their one Vice-Presidential debate. She can't come out like a spitfire and then call sexism. Can't have it both ways. She can either be the hockey mom or the feisty firebrand.

She had to pick one, and she did.

And now the gloves need to come off.

She is, I'm sure, very happy about her speech within the friendly confines of the RNC, but she isn't going to be debating straw men set up by Jim-Bob and Peggy-Sue types; she's going against one of the foremost foreign policy experts in the country, and now that she's asserted herself with such a strong speech, it's time for Biden to bring the ...WOOOOH... hurricane.

No more playing nice, Dems. Fuck this "don't be condescending" shit. Nothing could compare with the snarky tone of that speech. Time to take the sash off the beauty queen. Instead of carrying around the card that says "Round 1," she needs to tape herself up and go into her corner.

This is gonna be awesome!

Rudy's Impeccable Judgment

Before you all start high-fiving each other over Rudy Giuliani's speech at tonight's RNC, let's not forget what he said only four short years ago at 2004's RNC.



Yeah, I definitely trust what he said tonight though. I mean, he hardly even mentioned 9/11 more than 5-6 times!

Patriotism

The word "patriotism" doesn't really have a definite meaning after all. I've been thinking about it a lot lately and I'm struggling with what it is.

Does it mean that you defend your country to the hilt? Or does it mean you criticize it when it starts acting up? Is patriotism being a yes-man, or speaking truth to power?

Where is the line? Fred D. Thompson spoke at tonight's RNC about John McCain and took a swipe at Barack Obama, saying (paraphrasing) that Obama basically gave a speech apologizing to the rest of the world for our shortcomings. Is it better to defend our country when it is as screwed up as it is now? Or should we acknowledge what's wrong and try and fix it?

If our country is so bad, then why does Obama love it so much? And if our country is so great, then why is McCain trying to reform it?

If you ask me, it's time we started taking a good, long look in the mirror and snap out of our narcissism.

This country CAN be great. It isn't now. It just isn't. Things may have been worse here (they talk about 1968 a lot) but they haven't been this bad in my own lifetime. Our economy is in the tank, we are dispised around the world, inflation is hitting all walks of life, and all our companies are being bought out by foreign competitors.

Also, I think it's great to be proud of your country, but do we constantly have to call ourselves "number one"? We can believe we're number one, we can hold ourselves to a high moral standard. But do we have to constantly throw it in the face of every other country that their country isn't as good as ours? No wonder everyone hates us.

I look at our tendencies to be jingoistic blowhards about our own superiority, and compare it to the fans of the Yankees and the Patriots. (Yes, I'm trying to piss everyone off.) For you see, for many years these two teams have ruled their respective sports, often winning their divisions and making their respective championship games. They are empirically the best teams of the last decade in each of their sports.

But when these teams are on top, you hear nothing but "Yankee Universe" and "19-0" and "Count the Rings!" and "Humble Pie" and all sorts of self-aggrandizement. It's one thing for these two teams to be dominant year-in and year-out, but it's another to have to listen to their fans yammer on about it all year long.

I feel like other countries feel the same about us. We are constantly saying that we are "the greatest nation in the world" -- or if you are a bimbo like Sean Hannity, it's "the greatest best country God has ever given man on the face of the earth!" But is our constant repetition of this fact to make other countries jealous? Or is it an "I'm good enough/smart enough/doggone it people like me?" Daily Affirmation? Either way, it seems a bit beneath us.

Do we have to wave the flag and shout "U.S.A.!" to show that we actually love this country? Or do we live our lives and behave ourselves in a way befitting of the greatest citizens of the greatest country? I have never been outside North America, but I honestly cannot imagine that any other country in this world exists with the opportunity, innovation and creativity of this one. Of course I know there is a lowest common denominator element here, but I'd rather have that common denominator have a chance and find a voice than to endure the hegemony of elitism. (We choose intellectualism because we prefer it, not because we must.)

When we see the arrogance of France, we think of them as stuck-up a-holes. Yet I'm sure they see us the same way. Just because we are "right" doesn't make our behavior less odious.

I would never want to live in any other country besides this one. Not Ireland, not Canada, not anywhere. But I can keep it to myself. Just because I don't go outside with a megaphone doesn't mean I love it less than you do. I don't have to drape myself in the Stars and Stripes to show you my love for this country. And just because I'm not proud of some of our country's dealings* doesn't mean that I wouldn't defend our way of life.

But we need to get off this name-calling kick where we are questioning others' patriotism because, in-effect, we don't agree on the definition in the first place.

After all, patriotism is not a celebration of a multi-colored flag, nor of an abstract concept of a national entity, but a celebration of a country's people. And when we attack each other over petty crap like that, we give ourselves less reasons to celebrate ourselves, and therefore less reasons to be patriotic.

*The Iraq War, the Valerie Plame Scandal, the Alberto Gonzales U.S. Attorney firings, the pardon of Scooter Libby, the Downing Street Memo, FEMA's response to Katrina, Karl Rove saying John McCain fathered a black child out of wedlock, Newt Gingrich's ethics violations, the Southern Strategy, Watergate, Slavery, the Tuskegee Experiment, the Patriot Act, not signing the Kyoto Treaty, My Pet Goat, etc.

"Swear to God" with the Rev. Winton Dupree

I've noticed that I've been swearing a lot lately. So to atone for my profanity, please view this short religious film to cleanse your palate and cleanse your soul.



F**kin-A.

Karl Rove is a Piece of Shit

Today Karl Rove called Joe Biden a "blowhard doofus."

This fat faggot should enjoy the next five months of his life, because on January 20th, when his homeboy Dubya leaves office as a powerless lameduck, he's not going to be protected anymore.


John F. Kennedy: Gunned down.

Martin Luther King: Shot dead.

Robert Kennedy: Killed by gunfire.

Benazir Bhutto: Assassinated.

Medgar Evars: Killed.

And yet this fuckbag who looks like a grown infant still walks as a free man, defiantly refusing to testify in front of congress. Can you imagine if you or I did that? He even got a job working for Fox News.

Every night before I go to bed I pray for an extra five minutes, that Obama waits until after he is elected president, and then forces this amorphous bag of shit to testify like a regular citizen.

THESE ARE THE FUCKING PEOPLE RUNNING OUR COUNTRY. MOUTHBREATHING FAGGOTS LIKE THIS. FOR GOD'S SAKE WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE WAITING FOR?

"I'm Not Gonna Tell You"

I saw this live and it was gorgeous.

Cristi Adkins is the blonde dipshit in the middle and the founder of P.U.M.A (Party Unity, My Ass) who embarrasses herself on this video.

These are some ignorant people. I can't believe this is the group to which all these policitians have to pander. At first I was really upset about this, but now I can actually laugh at it. The women that I know who aren't political junkies are too smart to fall for this shit.

Also, I think it's noteworthy that this is supposedly some big grassroots movement, and she got all of three people to stand with her to hold up that banner. I think this is a fabricated movement with no real legs.

[Update: If you didn't think this was a fake movement before, check this out, from -- of all places -- ComedyCentral.com (but sadly, it's true):

Former John McCain Supporter Jumps Ship to Support John McCain
POSTED BY: CubbyChaser
Meet Darragh Murphy.

She's a longtime supporter of Hillary Clinton who's so enraged that her candidate lost out to an inexperienced, misogynistic elitist like Barack Obama that she started a political action committee called PUMA PAC (either "People United Mean Action" or "Party Unity, My Ass!" depending on who you ask) to see to it that Obama loses in November. Big time!

According to Murphy's website...

There will be no unity in the Democratic party until the voices of the 18 million voters who support Hillary Clinton are heard and heeded. Until the voices of Pumas are once again listened to by the leadership of the Democratic party, we will be guided by that defiance. We will treat insult with uprightness and will meet disdain with disdain. We will not be bullied, brainwashed, or bossed into falling in line.

We are motivated to action by our shared belief that the current leadership of the Democratic National Committee has abrogated its responsibility to represent the interests of all democrats in all 50 states. They are misleading our party and aim to mislead our country into nominating an illegitimate candidate for president in 2008.

Wow! Now there's a staunch Democrat who really hates Obama and really supports Hillary Clinton!

How much does she support Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Party?

So much so that she founded her PAC four whole days before Hillary Clinton officially dropped out of the race. That would be the Tuesday, June 3rd, the day that Obama wrapped up the nomination!

So much so that she's only made one campaign contribution in her life, and that was $500 to John McCain in 2000!

So much so that she voted for John McCain in the 2000 Massachusetts Republican primaries!

Now there's a true blue Democrat for you.

Sherri Shepherd is a Sh-thead

Women have really come a long way in the last 50 years. They have made all myths of their mental inferiority disintegrate and blow into the wind.

So why would a show called "The View," which is supposedly intended to get the disparate views of intelligent women and have a dialogue. But apparently there is something that compels the producers of "The View" to add a complete idiot to their midst.

Sherri Shepherd is probably as dumb and uneducated a human being as I've ever seen. She was asked if she thought the earth was flat or round. See here...

I like how she says "I never really thought about it, but I do think about how to feed my CHILD!" She should probably have her child and all sharp objects removed from her.

Enjoy this discussion of dinosaurs and Christians...

Why are the other "View" hosts afraid to call this woman the drooling fucktard that she is? If anything, this proves that "all voices" do not necessarily need to be heard, especially when those voices come out of the mouth of this dope.

Even Abe's Down

The L-Word, and Why People Hate It

"Liberal" has become a swear word among some people, mostly on the right side of the political spectrum. Say what you will about Republicans but they are outstanding at creating buzzwords and pejoratives that stick.

I consider myself a progressive, definitely not a liberal. There is probably little difference, all told, but during this week of the 2008 Democratic National Convention, I am reminded why so-called "Liberals" can be so loathsome at times.

I don't particularly like Liberals, truth be told. It's not that I disagree with their opinions, because by and large I am pretty much in agreement with most of the issues of the Democratic party. But Liberals themselves can be an insufferable lot.

First, before I get into this I have to say one thing: I was just watching a brief segment on "Hardball" on MSNBC, where three women -- supposedly Hillary Clinton supporters -- were holding a fairly large banner that said something to the effect of Barack Obama having been registered as a Muslim when he was a child at a Muslim school in Indonesia. Chris Matthews, to his credit, asked these women to cite their source; they were unable to do so. (The woman actually said "I'm not going to tell you.") There is a theory going around that these people are actually Republicans who are trying to get people to think it's okay to switch sides and vote for McCain instead of Obama.

If that is true -- devious as it is -- it's genius. But if it isn't true, then these women are either deluded, stupid, racist or all three. They are children; they are small, petty, nattering little children. If Susan B. Anthony could have seen these women, she would probably have just given up. I'm sure there are men doing the same thing, but if these people really are Hillary supporters, then they are pretty much proving what most people thought: that they are racist and moronic. It's an embarrassment. Search for Cristi Adkins on YouTube -- or google "PUMA," which stands for "Party Unity My Ass" -- and see why. These people are the reason why the founding fathers created an electoral college instead of a direct vote; these dumb c*nts' votes should not count as much as yours or mine.

Anyway, back on-topic. The reason that people hate Liberals are not usually based on policy or political opinion, but rather on personality and attitude. We don't disagree with them, but we find them disagreeable. I have broken these down to six main reasons.

Now before you say, "But Bill, what about conservatives and Republicans? Don't they have unpleasant qualities too?" Republicans are fucking evil assholes. There isn't enough bandwidth on the internet to list all the shit these bastards have pulled in my own lifetime. But we all know about them. This is about why people that I personally agree with piss me off so much. They are the kind of people you want to agree with and get behind, and then they screw you right over with their unpleasantness and irrationality. They are like the friend that no one else really likes but you bring him around hoping he won't be an asshole, and lo and behold, he is an asshole.

So here are the examples of what make these liberals so unpleasant to be around, with real-life examples!

1. SELF-IMPORTANCE AND SELF-CONGRATULATION. No one loves to congratulate themselves more than liberals. Every pep rally is like an episode of The Sammy Maudlin Show. If a big-L Liberal does something good, they have to make sure that everyone knows it, and that all dissent is either racist, sexist, ignorant or homophobic.
   
   The best and most nauseating example of this is "All Aboard! Rosie's Family Cruise," one of the most gut-churning pieces of movie-making I have ever seen. No, not because it's a gay boat cruise. I think the concept is great, allowing gay families to come together and remove some of the stigma of homosexuality. But the level of self-congratulation is abhorrent. Yes, they run into some anti-gay groups on one of the islands -- ignoramuses all -- but the manner in which the infallible Rosie puffs herself up, and puffs up her own importance and her own virtue. It is films like this that (wrongly) make people hate gays, because they see the pretention and arrogance of the principal players.
   
   
2. USURPING THE MORAL HIGH GROUND. Let's face it: for the most part, Liberals are on the right side of issues and always have been. Slavery. Civil Rights. Prohibition. The Iraq War.
   
   But by God if they don't constantly let you know it. God forbid you are against something that a Liberal believes in, you must be a racist, a homophobe, or someone who doesn't want people to be happy. If you are against abortion, you are "anti-choice." If you don't believe in affirmative action, you are a bigot. If you are for the death penalty, you are akin to a murderer. If you think maybe that whole Israeli-Palestinian situation is just a little one sided, you are clearly an anti-Semite.
   
   My favorite example of this was shortly before we went to war with Iraq (which I supported initially, but now clearly understand was a tremendous mistake perpetuated by liars with a prior agenda). There was a rally for peace somewhere and there was a Muslim cleric of some sort at a podium, and he was spastically shouting "Peace be unto YOU! Peace be unto YOU! Those are words that are in the Koran, that came a thousand years before George BUSH! Peace be unto YOU!"
   
   Now, George Walker Bush will go down as our shittiest president, but where the fuck was this "peace be unto YOU" asshole right after 9/11 when twenty of his countrymen used planes as missiles? Where was this loudmouth in decrying his own pack of animals when they killed civilians? This man lambasted the U.S. for attacking Iraq, because it was the wrong thing to do; but he was never heard from in the days after our nation's greatest tragedy? He was sitting on his fucking ass doing nothing, that's what. This reason is also the reason Liberals sue everyone.
   
   Cry out against all injustice, not just injustice toward you, or shut your fucking mouth.
   
   
3. RUBBING IT IN. This is the one that I think really sends conservatives or independents over the edge. When Liberals get some modicum of success, the first thing they have to do is tell everyone what they just got and "fuck you" if you were ever against them! The worst -- and stupidest -- example of this was when the city of San Francisco legalized gay marriage and decided to have mass weddings in the front of city hall. Of course gay marriage should be legal; if they are consenting adults, it's no different than interracial marriage or a hot chick marrying a douchebag.
   
   But when you parade it around so defiantly, you are going to piss people off, flat out. What the gay marriage lobby hasn't figured out yet is that they talk about gay marriage being a "private choice" and then proceeding to parade their marriage around in front of people who don't want to look at it. If it were truly "private," you could do it in a small ceremony, and you know what? The issue would probably go away in 20 years. Conservatives think it's the idea of men marrying other men in the privacy of their own homes that they hate, but it's really having to look at it. If gays could figure that out and keep it out of the view of Joe Reckneck, it would be no big deal soon enough.
   
   
4. PRETENTION. This is what probably lost Al Gore the 2000 election. So many celebrities came out to "tell the people" they should vote for Al Gore. Ben Affleck, Tim Robbins, the guy who plays Will on "Will & Grace" (who is Canadian by the by), all telling me what Al Gore can offer me. That's very nice, and I'm sure they were all in touch with my life at the time, working two jobs, pulling down a cool $12,000 a year.
   
   Celebrities and some of the Liberal elites (like Nancy Pelosi, Barbra Streisand, Oprah to name a few) are talking to us from their ivory towers, telling us what is right for us. As if they are far more highly attuned to what is right and good and just, and that we, the simple folk, the common clay, what is right for us.
   
   Granted, most of the "common clay" (read: the flyover states) are fucking dipshits who were retarded enough to elect Bush not once but twice could use some harsh education, and based on the employment rates and economy, the idiots are getting exactly the education they deserve right now. But to have a Streisand tell me what's best for me from her oceanfront compound is rather maddening.
   
   
5. REFUSAL TO CONCEDE A POINT OR MAKE A RATIONAL ARGUMENT. This is personally the most maddening to me. Just when you think that a Liberal is going to make a good point, they fuck it up by making an equally ridiculous point. They will say something like, "The war in Iraq is wrong, and Rumsfeld is Hitler!" or if asked whether someone putting a Christmas tree up in a public place is wrong, they will say "NO BECAUSE IT'S A VIOLATION OF SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE TO HAVE A CHRISTMAS TREE UP IN FRONT OF A DUNKIN DONUTS!!!!!" [Please note: Republicans pull this shit all the time too, because whenever you trash the pile of shit that is the Bush Administration, they will always respond with "Well what about Clinton???!!!"]
   
   The worst -- the absolute WORST -- example of this is that fat bag of shit Michael Moore, who makes movies that have the best intentions at heart (gun violence, the corruption of corporations, the Iraq War, the mess that is health care in America), and then proceeds to take EVERY Liberal position, and trash EVERY conservative opinion, regardless of how ridiculous or salient, respectively.
   
   My favorite example of this is the movie "Sicko," a film that rails against the evils of the health insurance industry. [Full disclosure: I am part of the health insurance industrial complex and am slightly biased.] In the film, he makes very valid points about how messed up the health care system is in the U.S., but then he proceeds to call insurance companies "murderers." Are these companies irresponsible or incompetent sometimes? Of course, every industry has them. But murderers? Go fuck yourself, tubby.
   
   In the same film, Moore takes some sick people to Cuba to get care. All the doctors, of course, are wonderful people there, and provide the best care imaginable, in clean hospitals with wonderful, hopeful music playing in the background. Because if Cuba is known for one thing, it's technological progress and clean hospitals. Also, Moore makes a point about prisoners in Guantanamo Bay who get better care than U.S. citizens. But can you even fucking imagine if it turned out that the Guantanamo prisoners weren't getting health care? I'm sure he would rail against that too.
   
   By the way, there is a magnificent documentary about the fraud that is Michael Moore called "Manufacturing Dissent." And no, it's not some piece of right-wing tripe like "Michael Moore Hates America." It actually involves a lot of liberal people and many of Moore's former friends whom he sold out. It's a great movie and you will never look at that fat slug the same way again.
   
   And finally, the Liberal offense du jour...
   
   
6. KNEE-JERK DEFENSIVENESS. This one is sweeping the nation. When Don Imus called those ladies "Nappy Headed Hoes," Liberals fell over themselves to be the first to be offended. As diverse a number of blowhards as Keith Olbermann and Snoop Dogg chastised Imus. (Drink that in for a second, Snoop criticized someone for calling women "hoes." You can't make this up, folks.)
   
   My favorite incident of the last year or so was when the Hillary Clinton campaign got upset with MSNBC's David Shuster because he said, "doesn't it seem like Chelsea's sort of being pimped out in some weird sort of way?" The Clinton campaign was horrified -- HORRIFIED I TELL YOU -- that someone would compare their own sweet Chelsea to a common whore, not realizing that in the parlance of our times, "pimping something/someone out" means simply pandering, and not a literal translation. To somehow imply that Shuster was calling Chelsea a prostitute isn't just misguided, it's dishonest.
   

Don't get me wrong, I am voting for Obama/Biden this November, and even though I'm not a Democrat, I find most of them far less offensive than their right-wing counterparts. Any party that elected George W. Bush twice has clearly lost their shit.

But I can see why some conservatives hate some of you.

Obama/Biden 2008

Many of my loyal readers may remember that I put my coveted support behind Joseph R. Biden, Jr., the senior Senator from Delaware, for President of the United States in 2008. 'Twas true in May of 2006 and 'tis true today: Joe Biden is the man.

When Biden was lambasted for calling Barack Obama "clean" in 2007, I got behind him (which I'm sure got him out of a lot of hot water).

Barack Obama is clearly a NOCWIT fan, because he heeded my advice and selected JB to be our next Vice President. Some people say he's risky because of some of his verbal slip-ups, but I would rather have a guy who speaks his mind, after 7 years of the White House being run by a glorified public relations company.

I will have more on this, I'm sure, in the coming months, but I am so beyond excited that Obama took Biden -- a man who never officially endorsed Barack and will not be one of his "yes men" -- and is bringing him to be a partner in fixing this broken country.

Here is a promotional video from the Obama campaign. I would also encourage you to read about his story, like how he commuted from Delaware to Washington, DC to be with his sons when his wife and baby daughter were killed in a car accident. (He never talks about this, by the way, or uses it for sympathy.)



I am very cynical when it comes to politicians, and I'm not saying Biden is a perfect human being, but he's always struck me as someone that I can relate to and someone who truly wants to do right by the country.

All you guys who voted for Bush can finally get it right. LET'S DO THIS!

Four Years!

Sunday marks my fourth Blogoversary. That's four full years of ruining the internet with witless observations, dull ramblings and uninformed opinions.

And unfortunately for you, I show no signs of slowing down! (Well, except for the fact that I haven't posted that much lately.)

But in case you are one of those impatient types, let me give you a rundown of some likely topics coming up this next year, the end of which will mark my full half-decade of blogging. Just look what's in store!

• My reaction to the Bills finally winning the Super Bowl.
  
• Why the court ordered me to stop drinking.
  
• Top 150 stupid things I did in the past 6 months.
  
• Assholes who pissed me off that day.
  
• Assholes who I pissed off that day.
  
• Sentimental crap that only I care about.
  
• A picture of my fiancee and her name.
  
• The restraining order my fiancee put on me (aka Silly fights!)
  
• My night in jail for ignoring the "hundred feet rule" or as I call it "suggestion"!
  
• Delightful beers that I defiantly drank in direct violation of Onondaga County Appellate Court.
  
• I cooked something!
  
• Opinions, opinions, opinions!
  
• Oprah is a bitch, Steve-O is a raging douche, Ann Coulter is a "soft-C."
  
• President Obama: Black enough?
  
• How I single-handedly financed the Russian mafia by using their music downloading site
  
• I can't believe I went this long without embracing the majesty of country music!
  
• "The Most __________ __________ Ever!"
  
• How the Iron Sheik found a way to make me humble.
  
• The world celebrates Bill O'Reilly's violent and humiliating death.
  
• I read a book!
  
• Boy was that "Watchmen" movie a disappointment! You know I read the comic book like a year before it came out, right?!?!
  

And that's about it. So that's like, what, two a month? I can pull that off. Try not to stay up too late celebrating!!!! HAHAHAHA ....ahhh...

The Death of the Mother Joke

I have been meaning to post this for a while now, but the fact that it's untimely will hopefully be overshadowed by the fact that it is irrelevant. Just indulge me for a moment; I need to purge.

The Mama Joke as we know it is dead.

It was fun while it lasted. What sprung mostly from poor minority areas as "the dozens" used to be a game of cleverness and wordplay, not meant to actually insult someone's mother, but to engage in a level of creativity on a competitive level.

But now, all is lost. That which made the mother joke an integral part of boyhood oneupsmanship has become a lost art, with lesser comedic minds attempting to engage in it with limited to no success. Loyal readers may remember an old post I wrote about the then-burgeoning MTV program "Yo Momma" starring that dripping-with-street-cred hunk Wilmer Valderamma. The jokes on that show, done mostly by a collection of urbanite ne'er-do-wells was subpar and amateurish at best, painfully pathetic at worst.

But while that was a collection of high school kids trying to get on TV, an episode of "Last Comic Standing" from this past July effectively killed the mother joke. Not only were these the supposed "best and brightest" of the young comedian set, but it was televised nationally.

Before I get into that, a quick breakdown of the mother joke, and why it works. Contrary to popular belief, the mother joke is not successful because it insults the other person's mother, which is one of the worst things you can do. Instead, it creates a hyperbolic image of one's hypothetical mother, and then creatively illustrates how ridiculous that person is.

It usually hinges upon taking a particular trait of a person (their age, their weight, their intelligence) and going to an extreme to show just how _______ that person is.

My personal favorite type of mother joke is the one that uses word play and double-meanings. A few of my favorites:

"Your mother is so fat, she fell in love and broke it."
"Your mother is so black, she went to night school and was marked absent."
"Your mama so nasty, I had phone sex with her and got an ear infection."
"Your mother is like the city bus: guys gettin' on and off her all day."

Another popular type of mother joke is exaggerating a certain trait that a mother has to an absurd degree. To wit:

"Your mother is so fat, she stepped on a scale and it said 'to be continued.'"
"Your mother is so old, her social security number is 12."
"Your mother is so old, she has Jesus's beeper number."
"Your mother so so dumb, I told her it's chilly outside so she went outside with a spoon."

Even the least creative of these early mother jokes had a certain patter and construction to them that made them work on some level. There is a certain formula at least.

It must be brief, which is why no mother joke starts with "your mother is so riddled with excruciating joint pain..."

The insult must come from the mother's weakness first, rather than the other way around, which is why you never hear "Greenpeace tried to throw your mother in the ocean, because she's so fat!"

And there should be some element of exaggeration, wordplay or even an old switcheroo, which is why the insults of "Yo Mama" by The Pharcyde worked:

"Yo mama got a glass eye with a fish in it."
"Yo mama got a wooden leg with real feet."
"Yo mama got a pegleg with a kickstand."
"Yo mama got an afro with a chinstrap."

Which brings me to "Last Comic Standing." I have never been a huge fan of that show, only because I have never found too many of the comics that side-splittingly hilarious, the judges are usually assholes, and the "reality" backstage drama is often so stupid and melodramatic that it undermines any comic tone the show may have. Other than that, I'm sure it's good.

Back in July, the show had a "Mother joke" contest, complete with a boxing ring and an audience, during which time these stunning wits got to trade verbal barbs with each other. With the exception of the unusual alternative Jesus freak comedy duo God's Pottery (who at least committed to their odd material), the whole thing was the final death knell for the mother joke as we used to know it.

I'm not going to bother with names because I don't know them and most of them will probably be unheard of within a few months. But let's explore each one and why they don't work, when applicable. (I put an asterisk next to a quote from one of the people who "advanced," so you can see the real cream of the crop.)

First Round:
#1. "Yo mama so fat, even her panties have stretch marks!"

This one actually comes close to being in the spirit of an authentic mother joke. It's a little weak but at least it's a decent attempt.

#2. "Your mama's so fat, even Stephen Hawking is like [in robotic voice] 'Man that is a fat hoe!'"

This is bullshit. He could have said anyone and done any impression to get the same effect. He could have just as easily said, "...even Sylvester Stallone is like [in Stallone voice] 'Man that's a fat hoe!'" Ridiculous.

#3. "Your mama's so fat, she sweats buttermilk and cries bacon bits!"
Again, at least this guy sorta gets it, but this kind of joke could have been replaced by "sweats gravy and cries maple syrup." Just "_____ and ______."

#4. "Your mama is so fat, when the Dodgers have a rain delay they use her jacket as a rain tarp!"

Wow, brevity is clearly a lost art. And the way he emphasizes "rain tarp!" was incredibly anticlimactic. This is wordy and clumsy. Plus it would have been funnier if he had said, "...they spread her out on the field during rain delays." Subtle, pithy.

#5. "Your mama's so ugly, pitbulls run from her!"
Weak. Insert any ugly animal.

#6. "Your mama's so old, she was the waitress at the last supper!" (Note: this one really got the crowd roaring.)

The delivery on this one was awful too. The joke itself isn't bad, but the emphasis on the last part is gay. Plus, it would have been wittier had he said something like, "You can see her serving refilling waters in 'The Last Supper'" or "The Apostles gave her an 8% gratuity...." Something.

Second Round:
#1. "Your mother is so pretty, Kenny and I were just talking... we think she could be a model."*

This was two guys called God's Pottery who were basically always smiling and talking about Jesus. Given that fact, this joke actually worked. They were at least working the anti-humor angle.

#2. "Yo mama's so old, she know the recipe for dirt."

Lame. Just lame. And lazy. "Older than dirt"? Seriously?

#3. "Your mother is so funny, when she tells jokes, we could just die laughing, which is fine because we're going to heaven."*

Again, this one worked because at least it wasn't the same old shit. They actually found a fresh angle.

#4. "Your mama's so fat, her bra size is [squeeeak!]

This goes back to my previous post, which is a lazy way of not having to come up with a joke. A similar example would be, "Your mama wears tin foil around her wrist, talkin' bout bling-BLING!" It's a set up without a punchline.

#5. "Your mother is so terrific, she was elected mayor of Awesomeville... By a landslide!"*

I really thought these guys were pretty funny

Other rounds:

#1. "Your mama is so stupid, she thinks Def Leppard sings in sign language."

I know what he was trying for, but it's a weak joke.

#2. "Your mama, is so old she want to high school with John McCain."*

Holy shit, your mother could be as old as SEVENTY-ONE! (And this douche advanced.)

#3. "Your mama is so poor, she changed out a $10 bill and tried to make it rain."

This sounded dumb coming from a blonde white girl, but the joke itself was decent.

#4. "Your mama is so special, there isn't a short bus short enough."*
This goes into the say-anything-you-like school of jokes. I would have preferred -- paraphrasing the great Aesop Rock -- "Your mother is so dumb, when she was in school she used to get 'G's." This was a lame-o attempt at a joke.

#5. "Your mama is so frigid, her vagina dispenses ice cubes."

Dispenses? Not a funny word. How about "I touched her belly button and ice cubes came out." Holy shit, I could have cleaned up on this show!

#6. "Your mama is somebody I would worship, because where I come from cows are considered sacred."

This was said by a comedian of Indian descent, and though there is a joke there somewhere, the phrasing and delivery is so godawful. Even something like "Where I come from, your mother would be sacred" would be solid, since anyone with a modicum of knowledge knows the idea of the "sacred cow."

#7. "Your mother is so white, she makes mayonnaise look brown!"

Was this even an attempt? "Your mother is so brown, she makes chocolate look white!" "Your mother is so yellow, she makes mustard look white!" Did you even try?

#8. "Your mother is so Korean, she has a demilitarized zone around her waist, her breasts are ruled by a dictator, and she hosted the Olympics in her underpants!"*

This guy was kind of going for an alternative type of humor but a snappy insult should be snappy and not a paragraph long. This guy is probably a decent comedy writer and a shitty improviser.

#9. "Your mother is so Canadian, she uses maple syrup as lube!"

Again, doesn't even make sense. Syrup is sticky, first of all. Secondly, whenever someone is dying comedically, they will go the sexual route, cuz it gets the easy laugh. This girl ended up getting kicked off at the end of the show, and thank God.

#10. "Your mother is so old, she was at the shower washing, raised her breast, and a pilgrim fell out!"*

A long way to go, but not horrible I guess. Would have been good as one brief sentence, instead of adding pauses and verbal commas.

Semi-final round. [For this round, they changed it from "Yo mama" to "You are such a hack...." The basic comic theory remains the same, except for the fact that "hack" is an abstract concept and doesn't lend itself to any kind of real clever wordplay or exaggerational humor. As you can imagine, it's comedy gold.]

#1. "You guys are such hacks, you suck harder than Paris Hilton on prom night!"

That sentence doesn't even make sense. You start off a sentence one way, and then end it with a completely different thought. It's like saying "You're such an asshole, you suck!" And a dumb twat like Paris Hilton is such ripe fodder she barely even raises an eyebrow anymore.

#2. "You're such a hack, that most of your jokes come from the Old Testament!"

These guys did have a biblical theme, so it sorta made sense in context, but it's not a strong joke.


#3. "You guys are such hacks, if you were a boy band you'd be the Hackstreet Boys."

If he had just said the second part of that sentence, it probably would have worked. As delivered, it sounded clumsy.

#4. "You're such a hack, the jokes of yours that don't come from the Old Testament come from the New Testament."

God's Pottery clearly running out of steam.

#5. "You guys are such hacks, your opener and closer is, 'Is this thing on?!'" [taps microphone]

Oh where to begin. By bringing up the "Is this thing on" joke, not only was he himself resorting to hackery using that as a reference, but how "inside" do you have to get? Just... what a sad attempt.

#6. "You're such a hack, that when they opened King Tut's tomb, went in, opened the sarcophagus, the mummy was holding a papyrus scroll with a number of your jokes on it."

Again, this same Canadian guy needs to tighten up his wording. With the right wording this one could have worked.

#7. "You're so hack, that your act has cured my insomnia."

Ugh!

#8. "You're so hack that you once did your jokes in a forest for a number of lumberjacks, and they said a few more jokes like that, and we'll get this tree down."

Get it, "hacks"? Oy.


#9. "You're such a hack, it makes Carrot Top seem fresh."

"You are so blank, you make blank seem like blank." Holy shit, this guy ended up winning the whole thing???

Finals (This round was "anything goes," to which the instruction was given by the delightful Bill Bellamy, "Say what you want, but make it funny!"):

#1. "There's Facebook, there's MySpace. To which social networking site do you belong? Swedish barnyard sex?"

He might have had something if he had made some kind of "Face" "Space" pun. The joke itself was interesting, but it didn't fit the "mother joke" motif.

#2. "Hey Jim, you're dumber than a ding-dong in a Ho-Ho factory."

I don't get it.

#3. "Oh that was very clever, I feel I'm in the presence of the Oscar Wilde brothers after a labotomy."

The syntax of the sentence notwithstanding, this one is kind of amusing. Didn't quite close the deal, but had potential.

#4. "I've got three simple words: The Revolutionary War!"

Yikes. That's like being in a mother joke contest with Chris Rock and saying "two words, Rodney King!" More cruel than funny.

#5. "There are limitations to the human mind. You have just proven it."

Okay this line killed. But it's not anything even remotely resembling a joke. Insult? Yes. Joke, not even fucking close. It's like saying, "Humans are flawed creatures. You are an example of that." How did these people get on TV?????!!!!

#6. "Well how 'bout this? You know what Jim? I think you're the kind of person, who doesn't enjoy rainbows!"

These guys went back to their schtick but by this time it had grown stale and the audience wasn't buying it anymore.

#7. [To the audience] "Hands up if you think their father should have settled for the massage."

I'm not exactly sure what's up with this comment but he did a smart thing by playing to the crowd for the knockout blow. There is a pretty scathing joke there somewhere, but this guy is clearly not up to the task.

Okay so I probably shouldn't be so bothered by this, but two of my least favorite things in this world are people who think they are funny and clearly are not, and when a cultural elements are usurped and bastardized.

Look, I know it's hard to do comedy, but if you are going to be on a national TV show, your jokes and humorous lines should be at least as funny as the ones that I trade with my friends over a few beers every so often. None of these people even struck me as ones that would stand out as being one of the more humorous people in my group of friends.

Maybe comedy as we know it is dead. Maybe comedy is so dead that I have an urn filled with its ashes over my mantle!"

Oh God, I've become one of them. Kill me.

Passing Gas

Farting is both hilarious and kind of terrifying. God gave us a portal from which to expel noxious odors from our intestines. It's a blowhole of sorts from where our innards remind the world of their existence by emitting a smell that can have a varying degree of offensiveness. But there are some interesting things about farting, several of which I am going to write about now.

One thing is that it gives us control of the weather. It's true! If you are in a room with several people, you can actually affect their environment just by little out a gentle little toot. It is the only bodily function where you can purposely send a smell out into the world. You can't do that from your armpits, mouth or anywhere else, because those places have to already have a certain amount of bad odor to begin with. You would have to work your way up to bad breath or a nasty armpit. But with farting, you can be dapper and well-groomed, and still ruin a football game for five minutes.

Another interesting thing about gas: how is it that you can tell how bad it is going to smell just by the way it comes out. When you let one rip, you can always tell how bad it's going to be. But usually not until the genie is out of the bottle, so to speak. Sometimes you take a risk; you are in a crowded room or elevator, and really need to unbloat, so you let off a little tester to see how it's gonna be. Hopefully, it's only a small amount that no one else will notice. But other times too much comes out, and you've made an ass (no pun intended!) out of yourself.

We think of air as being a constantly flowing entity, bound only by the strictures of those materials which hold it in. Yet, we can control air itself just through the simple contracting and expanding of our sphincter muscles. Think of the power of that!

Farting is also a good indicator of someone's social comfortability level. If you are in a business meeting, you are not going to let one go, because you are a professional and that would reflect poorly on you. However, if you were in my college dorm on any given night of the week, you would not hesitate for one moment to blast a butt-trumpet before yelling "safety" or "doorknob" or whatever phrase you would yell in futility to get you out of a beating.

I think willingness to drop ass is a good indicator of how close you are to someone. I have a wonderful friend who refuses to use public restrooms, but will gladly fart in my presence, often several times in succession. This person has purposely farted directly on me more times than I care to count. But by virtue of this, I know this is someone I can always count on, and someone who trusts me. (I hope the individual didn't trust me to keep the farting stuff to myself because, well, that cat is out of the proverbial bag.)

In fact fellas, I should say this: if you can find a woman who will not only fart in front of you, but be proud of it, you marry her. By gum, you marry her but good!

I will conclude thusly: if you know you have gas and bloating, and it is giving you discomfort, don't hestitate to let freedom ring. Maybe give me a heads-up so I can either cover my face or grab some matches. Don't hold it in. Who knows, you could be the next Le Pétomane! Besides, I read somewhere that if you hold it in, it turns to cellulite.