In this, my 31st year on this planet (yes, I am only 30, but I am currently in the midst of my 31st year), a lot has occurred in my life. But how do I assess it? I think I would say that things have gone down in the same manner as why my dentist told me I should brush my gums.
My dentist, Dr Sveen -- thanks for the straight teeth, and my parents say "you're welcome" for the yacht -- told me that I should always floss and brush my gums. Because, you see, if you brush your gums, they will bleed a bit at first, but in the long run, they will be stronger and provide a better foundation in which one's teeth could rest comfortably. Now, I am not a vain person, but I must say that with the exception of a small gap between my right maxillary second premolar and my right maxillary first molar, my teeth are breathtakingly straight. Due to the uncertainties of life, I am very much aware that I am one fistfight or car accident or corn on the cob hazard away from having my stellar fronts removed from their status of quasi-perfection. But boy am I beside the point.
My point was this: though we go through some hard times and rough changes, we learn to be stronger. And not in a calloused, cynical way, but rather in a way that makes us stronger and more apt to handle all the twists and turns that life gives us. And I have found more twists and turns in my life in the last half-year than ever before.
2006 has been a year of transition for me, and though I may have bled a bit at first, I am finding that it is only making me stronger. I have found that I am capable of existing in a plane that is befitting me. I have rediscovered the importance of friendship, my appreciation for delicious craft beer, the importance of introspection, and perhaps something even more special. I have allowed a lot of special people into my life, and though they might not realize it, they have all left a trace of themselves upon me.
I'm in a good place right now. I have been able to travel to visit some old friends with which I have had varying degrees of contact, but keep a solid home base. Though I have left Syracuse several times in the last few months, my heart is always back here waiting for me when I return. I have learned that it is better to put myself "out there" rather than be safe all the time.
I have been able to explore my inner self. (Yes, I know this all sounds very Buddhist, but it's the truth.) I am finding that certain flaws I have are not really flaws at all. And that the flaws I do have are not all my fault. I am at a point where I can pinpoint the negativity that has befell me over the last several years and overcome it. I have rediscovered my self-worth and realized that yes, dammit, I am a good person, and worthwhile. And that my flaws, while numerous, do not relegate me to second-class status. I know that I have a lot to offer anyone willing to look hard enough. Sure, you have to look really really really hard to see it, but I am worth the effort.
I've dropped over 20 lbs since April. Not bragging, just a numerical fact.
Most importantly, I have learned that sometimes the unknown -- while terrifying at times -- can be wonderfully exciting as well. Unlike before, I would rather take a chance on something and fail than never explore it at all. But I will continue to try my best to make everything fall into place.
No matter what the following weeks, months and years bring, I know that I am on the right path. I am supported by a wonderful group of people who have all unwittingly banded together to lift me up like a crowd surfer of a decade ago. To all 143,000 of you that have been there to hold me up, I say thank you. You know who you all are, and you have helped me rediscover the Me that was missing for so long.
Things are looking up. And maybe happiness isn't so far away after all.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
David Brent: Microsoft Management Consultant
This is a promotional video that Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant (creators of the original British version of The Office) created for Microsoft. I think these two are brilliant, but you have to like British humor to get it. The first video is 20 mins, the second video is 17 minutes. And it's gold.
They actually showed these videos at a Microsoft employee meeting. If only my company could pull these guys to make corporate training videos.
They actually showed these videos at a Microsoft employee meeting. If only my company could pull these guys to make corporate training videos.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
Buffalo Bills 2006: Good Lord Could They Actually Be Any Good?
Cautious optimism be damned! This video got me so pumped up for the Bills this season. Even if they tank, I am feeling pretty good about them right now.
LET THE GREAT EXPERIMENT BEGIN!
LET THE GREAT EXPERIMENT BEGIN!
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
I Have Nothing to Blog About
My copious fan base has been begging me to come up with some sort of topic to blog about, but let's face it, I have nothing. And no one gives a shit what I have to say anyway (to paraphrase the title of this very blog you hold in your hand).
So I'm going to simply spout out some arbitrary type stuff that I've been thinking of. Wanna hear it here it go...
So that's about all I got. I hope you enjoyed the smattering of bullcrap that I was able to spit out there. I'm sure you don't give two shits about it, but it's the best I can do.
So I'm going to simply spout out some arbitrary type stuff that I've been thinking of. Wanna hear it here it go...
- I think it's kind of hilarious that Muslims are getting all bent out of shape about the Pope reciting a 600 year old bit of text by Manuel II Paleologus, that Pope Benedict XVI recited. Let's remember folks: Muslims refuse to take any of these Islamofascist terrorists to task for carbombing, suicide bombing, and hijacking. Oh but Allah forbid that the Pope recite something from six centuries ago, or that someone draw a picture of the prophet. Oh, then suddenly the protests come out hot and heavy. (Come on, do these people have anything better to do with their time than stand in crowds and burn things? Do they????) These people who stand up against words, images and dialogue, yet refuse to condemn carnage and the loss of innocent civilian lives at the hands of their terrorist brethren are simply cowards. Take a look in the mirror and the culture that those who have hijacked your religion has brought you.
- I am a little leery of people who are dead-set against all immigration to this country. To me, it is a form of racism, due to the fact that it is mostly people with brown skin who are moving into our country through the southern border. These are the same people who embrace California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger and want to actually add a constitutional amendment to make him -- A FOREIGNER -- eligible to run for president. Oh I get it: it's okay for a white person to come into our country and lead the nation, but if someone with brown skin wants to come in and clean toilets for a living, that's not okay? Makes perfect sense.
I'm not saying we should have all-out barnstorming through our borders, but let's look at the people who are so adamant against these laws. Most of them are white Republicans. And they hold onto this ideal of some pure American way. Do you know what they are really afraid of? They are really afraid of Mexican (or other Latino cultures) infiltrating their pure southern ways of life. They are afraid of races combining. That is the truth; but they won't say it. They don't give a shit about jobs; these migrant workers do jobs that none of us would be willing to do. It's a matter of wanting to keep the brown people out of our country, plain and simple. - I love beer. I love beer so much. And it's not because I'm some stupid fratboy who just loves to get drunk. I love knowing about beer. I love being a beer "snob." I love being able to take a sip of a beer and identify what style it is. I love paying over $8 for a six-pack. I love calling Javen and Bruce and asking them to give me suggestions. I love seeing a wall of beer at a beer store and being totally overwhelmed by what to get. It's the same feeling I used to get at record stores when I was in high school. I love rating beers at Beer Advocate. I love looking in my fridge and seeing an IPA, an ale, a Wit, a double IPA, a bitter, a winter ale, a stout and a porter, and knowing I can choose any one I like. But why? I can't quite figure it out.
- I watched that show Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip the other night and I have such mixed feelings. (It's that show about a Saturday Night Live-type show where everything goes haywire and they have to revamp everything.) The show started off with such a bullshit, ripped-off premise: the head of a late night sketch show goes crazy one night and starts ranting about how horrible television is, how bad networks have gotten, art vs. commerce. It's a total rip-off of the movie Network, directed by Sidney Lumet. In fact, in the pilot, all the so-called news organizations reporting the exec-producer's meltdown all mention Network and the movie's screenwriter Paddy Chayefsky. As if simply knowing that reference puts the show in some rarified air. (Yes we have resorted to TV shows referencing other movies.)
The creator of the show, Aaron Sorkin, is a thorn in my side. I want to like his stuff. He wrote the movies A Few Good Men and The American President, as well as created the TV shows "Sports Night" and "The West Wing." On one hand, I really want to like his material. He really seems to want to advance the art of dialogue. But every time I sit down and watch any of his shows or movies, they turn into the same preachy, didactic drivel that I hate. He wants so badly to teach all of us how to think and how to be. And also, all his shows are fraught with all this high-falutin' dialogue, and then someone saying something so dramatic that everyone else in the room has to stop and stare in awe, and then those same people being inspired to do something important and great.
Listen folks, I don't need Aaron fucking Sorking to tell me how to think. If I want someone to tell me how to think, I will look to David Mamet, Paul Thomas Anderson, Charlie Kaufman, Richard Price, Mitchell Hurwitz, Matt Groenig, Marshall Rawson Thurber, Joel and Ethan Coen, Billy Wilder, Larry David and/or Vincent Gallo. These people can set me straight. Aaron Sorkin is a hack.
Oh, and by the way, the best show on TV right now is "How I Met Your Mother." It's the best show now that "Arrested Development" is off the air. Although they ARE showing it on the cable channel G4! Check it out! In a way, maybe it's good for me that "Arrested D" got cancelled. When it was on, every other show looked like crap by comparison. Now that I am forced to try out other shows, it's making me a little more tolerant. - I am very happy that my Bills are 1-1 right now, considering most preseason "experts" (notice the ironic use of quotations marks) picked them to win a maximum of like four games. But if there is anything we football fans know, it's that you don't know a goddamn thing at the end of Week Two. I would love to see my Herd rip through the next fourteen games and come out with a winning record and [gasp] make the playoffs. And some people have noticed that "our" defense is playing really well. It's true, but let's not forget back in 2003 when Buffalo started 2-0, and everyone was calling them the best team in the league, before they shit the bed and ended the season 6-10. I am all about unearned optimism, but we have a lot of season left; let's not get carried away. (However, I must confess that if they do win the Super Bowl, it will probably wipe away 30 years of heartache across the board. I don't think any one player on that team can possibly fathom how much their successs means to me, psychologically.)
- I wonder if there has ever been an epidemic I have been less worried about than the E.Coli/Spinach situation.
- Your boy "W" will go down as one of the five worst presidents in our country's history. Put it on the board. I trust our government so little that when I hear that they condemned the recent coup d'etat in Thailand, I'm starting to wonder if it's a good idea.
- Here is a list of people I currently hate: Terrell Owens, Oprah, Pete Dougherty, Drew Rosenhaus, Ann Coulter, Bill O'Reilly, Hugo Chavez, director Kevin Smith, Paris Hilton, Dick Vitale. Add your own!
So that's about all I got. I hope you enjoyed the smattering of bullcrap that I was able to spit out there. I'm sure you don't give two shits about it, but it's the best I can do.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Buffalo 16, Miami 6
Pretty much the only thing that's made me smile since Tuesday afternoon...
One of Culpooper's multiple fumbles
LB Angelo Crowell with a huge "inner" before halftime
T.McGee denying Dolphins asshole receiver Randy McMichael
Willis pounding away
Oh, and thank you boys, for rockin the white pants with the blue jerseys, instead of that monochrome eye-sore bullshit. It looks so much better.
One of Culpooper's multiple fumbles
LB Angelo Crowell with a huge "inner" before halftime
T.McGee denying Dolphins asshole receiver Randy McMichael
Willis pounding awayOh, and thank you boys, for rockin the white pants with the blue jerseys, instead of that monochrome eye-sore bullshit. It looks so much better.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Buffalo Slugs?
Few on this earth can hang with my love of the Buffalo Sabres. Javen for one. My little brother Mike is another. But other than that, not many.
I am not so sure, however, about my feelings on the new logo they are going to be unveiling. [Note: they say this is only one aspect of the new logo, which they are unveiling on September 16, so this may be a tad premature, but you know I'm always on the cutting edge.]
It would be a cool secondary logo, actually, as it is indicative of a certain style. But as a primary logo -- the one to be worn on the front of the jersey and on all the merchandise, the identity of the team -- it is a bit too abstract and doesn't actually look like a buffalo. People on certain message boards are calling it the Buffaslug.
What makes things even harder to swallow is that the logo below has been floating around for about three years.
It was proposed by a guy named John Slabyk who is a logo designer. He brought the idea to Tom Golisano and the Sabres organization, and they balked for whatever reason. I think this design is great. It's classy, has a nice color scheme, and is a sharp update of their classic uniform from 1970-1995, shown here:
I have mixed feelings about their last uniform, known to many of us as the "Goat Head."
Ultimately, though, it became a symbol of a team that was very good for a long time (except for a few years) and nearly made the Stanley Cup Finals last year.
One thing I do like about the new logo is that they keep the buffalo/buffaslug's trademark red eye, which all the logos have had. I'm not sure why I like that, but there's something nice about the continuity there.
It's not like I'm gonna stop rooting for the Sabres if their uniforms suck, but with all the great concepts and options I've seen out there, I would think that they would think long and hard about it, and hopefully listen to the fans. It's worked before, when the Islanders got rid of their Gorton's fisherman logo after one season due to fan complaints, and the 49ers scrapped their infamous and godawful "One Day Helmet" after (take a guess) only one day, due to public outrage. Tom Golisano, who is a billionaire and owns the Sabres, did not become a billionaire by being unsavvy. I am hoping that he does the right thing and makes the jerseys and logo aesthetically pleasing.
[Update: There is video of the ice rink painted with the new logo below.]
I am not so sure, however, about my feelings on the new logo they are going to be unveiling. [Note: they say this is only one aspect of the new logo, which they are unveiling on September 16, so this may be a tad premature, but you know I'm always on the cutting edge.]
It would be a cool secondary logo, actually, as it is indicative of a certain style. But as a primary logo -- the one to be worn on the front of the jersey and on all the merchandise, the identity of the team -- it is a bit too abstract and doesn't actually look like a buffalo. People on certain message boards are calling it the Buffaslug.
What makes things even harder to swallow is that the logo below has been floating around for about three years.
It was proposed by a guy named John Slabyk who is a logo designer. He brought the idea to Tom Golisano and the Sabres organization, and they balked for whatever reason. I think this design is great. It's classy, has a nice color scheme, and is a sharp update of their classic uniform from 1970-1995, shown here:
I have mixed feelings about their last uniform, known to many of us as the "Goat Head."
Ultimately, though, it became a symbol of a team that was very good for a long time (except for a few years) and nearly made the Stanley Cup Finals last year.
One thing I do like about the new logo is that they keep the buffalo/buffaslug's trademark red eye, which all the logos have had. I'm not sure why I like that, but there's something nice about the continuity there.
It's not like I'm gonna stop rooting for the Sabres if their uniforms suck, but with all the great concepts and options I've seen out there, I would think that they would think long and hard about it, and hopefully listen to the fans. It's worked before, when the Islanders got rid of their Gorton's fisherman logo after one season due to fan complaints, and the 49ers scrapped their infamous and godawful "One Day Helmet" after (take a guess) only one day, due to public outrage. Tom Golisano, who is a billionaire and owns the Sabres, did not become a billionaire by being unsavvy. I am hoping that he does the right thing and makes the jerseys and logo aesthetically pleasing.
[Update: There is video of the ice rink painted with the new logo below.]
Horatio Show-Blower
I read on Wikipedia today that Horatio Sanz will probably not be returning to Saturday Night Live this year. And I have to say, I am thrilled.
A lot of people think SNL sucks, and I can kind of see why sometimes. A lot of the skits are less than hilarious, and some entire shows are just subpar beyond belief. There are too many recurring characters, too many impressions of famous people. I've heard it all. But I have always had a bit of a soft spot in my heart for Saturday Night Live. Just when you think it's past its prime, it will reinvent itself, usually with a massive talent like Eddie Murphy, Dana Carvey (and yes, he was amazing on that show) or Will Ferrell.
It's still hit or miss; any 90-minute live show is going to be. But they will evenutally pull something hilarious out like "Lazy Sunday" [Note: sorry for the link, NBC took it off the internet, greedy bastards] or "Bill Brasky" that will be really great and transcendent. Remember, the history of SNL writers includes Conan O'Brien, Bob Odenkirk, Robert Smigel (aka Triumph the Insult Comic Dog), Stephen Colbert and Adam McKay (writer/director of Anchorman). So the show is still a breeding ground for talent.
Also, I think they have really upgraded the talent (if not the writing) over the last few years. I think that the four newbies from last year (Jason Sudeikis, Andy Samberg, Bill Hader and Rochester native Kristen Wiig) are all very talented performers. The writing was definitely not up to snuff last year overall, but there were really funny moments here and there.
But for the life of me I have never understood why they kept Horatio Sanz around. I don't know if it was a diversity thing, being that Horatio was the first Latino cast member of the show, or that he's just such a nice guy and they couldn't bear to let him go. Those are the only two options I can think of.
Horatio -- and how can I put this lightly -- is the single unfunniest comic actor I have ever seen. And I have seen a lot of bad comedy. I have a very high threshold for comedy, because I know how hard it could be. But Horatio took bad comedy to a high art form. His performances are so one-note, with very little actual humor accompanying his acting. There are so many elements that contribute to his startling mediocrity.
Firstly, he is always laughing at himself and his own jokes. This is not like The Carol Burnett Show where the cast members were genuinely trying not to crack up; this is a case of Horatio mugging for the camera and trying to act extra "wacky" to get the other cast members -- notably the since-disappeared Jimmy Fallon -- to just laugh it up during the skits. This became such an epidemic that it ruined nearly any skit that Sanz and his tittering monkey-boy Fallon were in together. It even seemed to me (with no confirmation) that exec-producer Lorne Michaels even separated the two of them, or moved their skits to the end of the night (when they are usually sub par anyway). But it was such a predictable and forced diversion that it smacked of desperation. Whenever Jimmy Fallon and Horatio were the two main players in a skit, you could bet that there would be some unplanned giggling. Oh how amusing! To see people crack each other up by smiling at each other!
Horatio's diversity as a comic actor is also limited. He typically plays one of two characters: a waddling fat stone-faced (or stoner) type (Chubb Hotty, Frankie) or the over-the-top screamer who would often laugh at himself in character (Carol, Gobi). He rarely deviates from these types. If they wanted a fat guy to basically play two characters, they could have hired me. I could use the money.
In addition, Horatio is a mediocre-to-poor impressionist. The main reason for this is that he is so fat. Not that I am against fat folks, I count myself among them. But how can you do an impression of Elton John or Ozzy Osbourne or Saddam Hussein or (one of his worst) Billy Joel when you are 300+ lbs? You can't exactly disappear into character when you have five chins. When SNL had Chris Farley, they at least gave him characters of fat guys and limited his impressions. Chris Farley was a bit limited too in his comedy, but he had a lot more authenticity.
Horatio to me is like the guy or gal at work who is lazy and generally incompetent, yet keeps getting promoted. In the course of the show, they let go much more compelling talents than Horatio (notably Robert Riggle and Jeff Richards) and yet made Horatio a featured performer. But the guy single-handedly ruined more skits than I can even count.
There are lots of rumors saying that Horatio may or may not be gone. Lorne Michaels has confirmed that he is firing four cast members, and I swear to all that is holy that if he gets rid of Fred Armisen or Will Forte and keeps Horatio Sanz I will boycott the show for at least like five episodes. (I'll catch them in reruns.)
A lot of people think SNL sucks, and I can kind of see why sometimes. A lot of the skits are less than hilarious, and some entire shows are just subpar beyond belief. There are too many recurring characters, too many impressions of famous people. I've heard it all. But I have always had a bit of a soft spot in my heart for Saturday Night Live. Just when you think it's past its prime, it will reinvent itself, usually with a massive talent like Eddie Murphy, Dana Carvey (and yes, he was amazing on that show) or Will Ferrell.
It's still hit or miss; any 90-minute live show is going to be. But they will evenutally pull something hilarious out like "Lazy Sunday" [Note: sorry for the link, NBC took it off the internet, greedy bastards] or "Bill Brasky" that will be really great and transcendent. Remember, the history of SNL writers includes Conan O'Brien, Bob Odenkirk, Robert Smigel (aka Triumph the Insult Comic Dog), Stephen Colbert and Adam McKay (writer/director of Anchorman). So the show is still a breeding ground for talent.
Also, I think they have really upgraded the talent (if not the writing) over the last few years. I think that the four newbies from last year (Jason Sudeikis, Andy Samberg, Bill Hader and Rochester native Kristen Wiig) are all very talented performers. The writing was definitely not up to snuff last year overall, but there were really funny moments here and there.
But for the life of me I have never understood why they kept Horatio Sanz around. I don't know if it was a diversity thing, being that Horatio was the first Latino cast member of the show, or that he's just such a nice guy and they couldn't bear to let him go. Those are the only two options I can think of.
Horatio -- and how can I put this lightly -- is the single unfunniest comic actor I have ever seen. And I have seen a lot of bad comedy. I have a very high threshold for comedy, because I know how hard it could be. But Horatio took bad comedy to a high art form. His performances are so one-note, with very little actual humor accompanying his acting. There are so many elements that contribute to his startling mediocrity.
Firstly, he is always laughing at himself and his own jokes. This is not like The Carol Burnett Show where the cast members were genuinely trying not to crack up; this is a case of Horatio mugging for the camera and trying to act extra "wacky" to get the other cast members -- notably the since-disappeared Jimmy Fallon -- to just laugh it up during the skits. This became such an epidemic that it ruined nearly any skit that Sanz and his tittering monkey-boy Fallon were in together. It even seemed to me (with no confirmation) that exec-producer Lorne Michaels even separated the two of them, or moved their skits to the end of the night (when they are usually sub par anyway). But it was such a predictable and forced diversion that it smacked of desperation. Whenever Jimmy Fallon and Horatio were the two main players in a skit, you could bet that there would be some unplanned giggling. Oh how amusing! To see people crack each other up by smiling at each other!Horatio's diversity as a comic actor is also limited. He typically plays one of two characters: a waddling fat stone-faced (or stoner) type (Chubb Hotty, Frankie) or the over-the-top screamer who would often laugh at himself in character (Carol, Gobi). He rarely deviates from these types. If they wanted a fat guy to basically play two characters, they could have hired me. I could use the money.
In addition, Horatio is a mediocre-to-poor impressionist. The main reason for this is that he is so fat. Not that I am against fat folks, I count myself among them. But how can you do an impression of Elton John or Ozzy Osbourne or Saddam Hussein or (one of his worst) Billy Joel when you are 300+ lbs? You can't exactly disappear into character when you have five chins. When SNL had Chris Farley, they at least gave him characters of fat guys and limited his impressions. Chris Farley was a bit limited too in his comedy, but he had a lot more authenticity.
Horatio to me is like the guy or gal at work who is lazy and generally incompetent, yet keeps getting promoted. In the course of the show, they let go much more compelling talents than Horatio (notably Robert Riggle and Jeff Richards) and yet made Horatio a featured performer. But the guy single-handedly ruined more skits than I can even count.
There are lots of rumors saying that Horatio may or may not be gone. Lorne Michaels has confirmed that he is firing four cast members, and I swear to all that is holy that if he gets rid of Fred Armisen or Will Forte and keeps Horatio Sanz I will boycott the show for at least like five episodes. (I'll catch them in reruns.)
Mr. Show - Founding Fathers
From one of the great comedies of our time.
Ever wonder why it's impossible to defecate on the flag? Swearing in the video, might not be safe for work. Or "NSFW" in internet geek talk. Also, the guy who plays Lincoln in the video is Syracuse native Tom Kenney, whom many of you may know as the voice of Spongebob Squarepants.
Ever wonder why it's impossible to defecate on the flag? Swearing in the video, might not be safe for work. Or "NSFW" in internet geek talk. Also, the guy who plays Lincoln in the video is Syracuse native Tom Kenney, whom many of you may know as the voice of Spongebob Squarepants.
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Gym-Nauseum
Okay, this sounds like a really pretentious and stupid thing for a fat guy to say but ...
I joined a gym.
I got tired of being round and would rather be oblong and I decided that if I was paying actual money, it would motivate me to use the facilities and equipment I paid for. It's a very modest gym, close to my work. And it's nice because it's nothing but old guys and teenagers just looking to work up a sweat. No vain people just trying to get checked out or pick up chicks or whatever. At least not that I've seen. So it's great, I run in, I run a little, I lift a little, I check out some CNN to see what went to hell today, I shower and I'm out. Oh, and then of course I blow it on the weekends by eating my face off, but that's beside the point. I am not posting this to brag about being in a gym.
Mostly my experiences in the gym have been positive, but let me just relay two negative things, and maybe they are minor, but they are irritating.
1) Old guys walking around naked. Now, maybe I am just weird about this. Maybe I should be at the age where it's not abnormal to see another grown man in the nude. But I am still freaked out by it. I don't know why. It's not like I'm some prude or afraid I'll turn gay or anything. It's just off-putting and disorienting to be in a common area, and suddenly see some overweight 60-year old's wrinkly man-parts dangling in plain sight, all while he pretends there's nothing weird about it. (Mind you, I have never made direct eye contact with anyone in the locker room, nor will I ever. And I certainly haven't checked out any dude's wedding tackle. But dammit, I know it's there.)
What ever happened to towels? Do you know what I do? I will wear the sweaty boxers that I wore to work out in allll the way to the shower, carrying my towel and clean boxers. Then, right at the very precipice of the shower area, I will then remove the sweaty unmentionables, put them on the bench outside, then walk into the shower area and mastur....uh shower myself. Shower myself off and get clean and all that. Then I dry myself, reach around and grab the clean boxers, and walk into the common area with my dignity intact. It's the least I can do.
2) Talky gym rats. It seems that every time I go into the locker room area, there is some old dude there just talking and talking and talking. It's usually a situation where some poor guy is trying to change and get the hell out of there, and another older guy is just yapping away about something or other. All the while, the talker just blathers, and the talkee just says "mm-hmmm" and "yup" and other dismissive responses, all while trying to not feel violated by the talker's uncomfortable proximity.
Most of these guys are just good-natured old timers who just like to chat and it's all very harmless, although it's one of the reasons I am loathe to befriend anyone there. I don't need to be talked-at. There was, however, an incident today where a guy was very boorish and irritating. First of all, I walked into the locker room, and there is a big biker-looking guy, probably about 58 years old, long hair, beard, denim vest, bandana on his head. He is just standing around, blocking walkways, in front of the mirror, and in front of the old-school scale, which I like to check to see how much weight I haven't lost.
I am ready to get changed and get a move on, but this guy starts talking and is very rude. He's complaining about something to some other poor guy who couldn't care less, and everything out of his mouth is "fucking-this-fucking-that." I get it, you're a big tough biker guy who likes to swear. Tough guy. Don't wanna mess with you. Message received. Now shut the "fuck" up and get away from the hair dryer. (I can dream, can't I?)
Moreover, the guy is just sitting on a bench. He is not changing. He is not getting ready to work out. He is not in exercise clothes. He is just walking and standing in a men's locker room. I almost said something to the effect of "Hey, how can a homeless guy afford a gym membership?" but then I ran the risk of getting into a scuffle where I would have inevitably been picked up and thrown directly into some senior citizen's testicles. Wisely I kept my witty barb to myself.
So I go and do my workout for about an hour (y'know, run 15 miles, 10 sets of 30 reps, 400-lb dead-lift, the usual), and when I come back into the locker room, biker-boy is still there. And this time he's complaining about something totally different. ("Those fucking people at the fucking fair are so fucking rude. I'm not gonna be fucking pushing and shoving to get on a fucking bus to the fucking fair. They don't have any fucking class." I swear that last sentence is a direct quote.) Does this guy have his head so far up his ass that he doesn't realize what a buffoon he sounds like? Or is he doing it for effect? To exhibit some sort of oratory dominance? I don't know and I don't want to find out. I just don't want him to be there next time. At least he wasn't naked.
I joined a gym.
I got tired of being round and would rather be oblong and I decided that if I was paying actual money, it would motivate me to use the facilities and equipment I paid for. It's a very modest gym, close to my work. And it's nice because it's nothing but old guys and teenagers just looking to work up a sweat. No vain people just trying to get checked out or pick up chicks or whatever. At least not that I've seen. So it's great, I run in, I run a little, I lift a little, I check out some CNN to see what went to hell today, I shower and I'm out. Oh, and then of course I blow it on the weekends by eating my face off, but that's beside the point. I am not posting this to brag about being in a gym.
Mostly my experiences in the gym have been positive, but let me just relay two negative things, and maybe they are minor, but they are irritating.
1) Old guys walking around naked. Now, maybe I am just weird about this. Maybe I should be at the age where it's not abnormal to see another grown man in the nude. But I am still freaked out by it. I don't know why. It's not like I'm some prude or afraid I'll turn gay or anything. It's just off-putting and disorienting to be in a common area, and suddenly see some overweight 60-year old's wrinkly man-parts dangling in plain sight, all while he pretends there's nothing weird about it. (Mind you, I have never made direct eye contact with anyone in the locker room, nor will I ever. And I certainly haven't checked out any dude's wedding tackle. But dammit, I know it's there.)
What ever happened to towels? Do you know what I do? I will wear the sweaty boxers that I wore to work out in allll the way to the shower, carrying my towel and clean boxers. Then, right at the very precipice of the shower area, I will then remove the sweaty unmentionables, put them on the bench outside, then walk into the shower area and mastur....uh shower myself. Shower myself off and get clean and all that. Then I dry myself, reach around and grab the clean boxers, and walk into the common area with my dignity intact. It's the least I can do.
2) Talky gym rats. It seems that every time I go into the locker room area, there is some old dude there just talking and talking and talking. It's usually a situation where some poor guy is trying to change and get the hell out of there, and another older guy is just yapping away about something or other. All the while, the talker just blathers, and the talkee just says "mm-hmmm" and "yup" and other dismissive responses, all while trying to not feel violated by the talker's uncomfortable proximity.
Most of these guys are just good-natured old timers who just like to chat and it's all very harmless, although it's one of the reasons I am loathe to befriend anyone there. I don't need to be talked-at. There was, however, an incident today where a guy was very boorish and irritating. First of all, I walked into the locker room, and there is a big biker-looking guy, probably about 58 years old, long hair, beard, denim vest, bandana on his head. He is just standing around, blocking walkways, in front of the mirror, and in front of the old-school scale, which I like to check to see how much weight I haven't lost.
I am ready to get changed and get a move on, but this guy starts talking and is very rude. He's complaining about something to some other poor guy who couldn't care less, and everything out of his mouth is "fucking-this-fucking-that." I get it, you're a big tough biker guy who likes to swear. Tough guy. Don't wanna mess with you. Message received. Now shut the "fuck" up and get away from the hair dryer. (I can dream, can't I?)
Moreover, the guy is just sitting on a bench. He is not changing. He is not getting ready to work out. He is not in exercise clothes. He is just walking and standing in a men's locker room. I almost said something to the effect of "Hey, how can a homeless guy afford a gym membership?" but then I ran the risk of getting into a scuffle where I would have inevitably been picked up and thrown directly into some senior citizen's testicles. Wisely I kept my witty barb to myself.
So I go and do my workout for about an hour (y'know, run 15 miles, 10 sets of 30 reps, 400-lb dead-lift, the usual), and when I come back into the locker room, biker-boy is still there. And this time he's complaining about something totally different. ("Those fucking people at the fucking fair are so fucking rude. I'm not gonna be fucking pushing and shoving to get on a fucking bus to the fucking fair. They don't have any fucking class." I swear that last sentence is a direct quote.) Does this guy have his head so far up his ass that he doesn't realize what a buffoon he sounds like? Or is he doing it for effect? To exhibit some sort of oratory dominance? I don't know and I don't want to find out. I just don't want him to be there next time. At least he wasn't naked.
Tossin' Around the Pretend Pigskin
There is a difference between fantasy and life. Fantasy football is fantasy, and football is life.
This is why I am a little scared to enter my first foray in about five years into Fantasy Football. I have played before, but this year I think I am going to get sucked into it more than usual. My friend D. Blakes invited me to join a fantasy football league, and at press time the kinks are still being worked out. (Three teams in the league have a bye week every week, which means they don't play, which means they can't win. But we'll get it all worked out, don't worry Willie.)
I have always like fantasy football, because it gives me a reason to follow games I would not normally watch. For example, if for some reason I end up watching the Atlanta/Carolina game this Sunday (the opening day of the football season, i.e. my own personal Christmas), I normally would not have a vested interest. But with fantasy football, I have Alge Crumpler on Atlanta, and both Steve Smith and DeShaun Foster from Carolina, so I have a lot riding on it. Points-wise.
I have always kept fantasy football at arm's length, and that is where I'm a little scared. I have what doctor's call an "obsessive personality" which means that when I find interest in something, I tend to become completely attached to it for several weeks, often overloading. (See previous examples with blogging, Star Wars, Arrested Development, Iron & Wine, craft beer, etc.) I am the poster child for why people say there are "gateway drugs." Luckily, NyQuil is still as hardcore as I get, and that's only if I'm on vacation. Regardless, this lack of perspective and control is not something I want fantasy football to elicit from me.
And it's not that I don't want to get into it; I really do. But my problem is that I don't want to lose the forest for the proverbial trees. I am a football fan, first and foremost. I have been watching football for about twenty years, mostly following my star-crossed Bills through every wretched miserable season. But I always want to be a fan of football, not of "my players." I do not want to switch allegiances every year. Perennially, there will always be teams I will hate (Dallas, Miami, New York Giants) and teams that I kind of like (Philly, Seattle, Kansas City). And with each year, those teams, and the players on those teams, will have a firm place in my own personal universe of football.
But that's where fantasy football clouds the senses. For example, what if the Bills are playing the Dolphins, but I have the Dolphins defense on my fantasy team (this is strictly hypothetical as I would never pick the Miami Defense or any player from Miami ever). When game time comes, what do I want? Do I want my Bills to roll up yards and light up the scoreboard? Or do I take some sort of solace in the event of a defeat that at least the Bills lost, but hey, I got 6 fantasy points out of it!
Bullshit! Never! There will never be any joy in losing (especially to the goddamn Dolphins). And certainly no measly amount of points in a fantasy game should take away the sting of a loss. If I ever catch myself saying, "Well, the Bills lost, but at least the four interceptions that Losman threw are good for my fantasy D," I will repeatedly open a window and then slam it down on my own head. That's a Bill Shannon promise.
Quick story: A few years ago, I was at work, and there was this guy who worked in my department (he was canned shortly thereafter). And this guy was fat, I'm talking Orca fat. So anyway, I am walking around and I notice that this guy has a Buffalo Bills helmet on his computer. So I figure, hey this guy's alright. So I asked him, "Hey, you like Buffalo, huh?" to which he replied in the affirmative. So I said to him, "Big game this weekend huh?" I still remember, they were playing the Raiders. And this fat house of a man said, "Yeah, but I need them to lose because I have [Raiders quarterback] Rich Gannon on my fantasy team." It took all my inner strength to keep from taking his head and repeatedly slamming a window down on top of it.
Bottom line: if I ever turn against the Bills -- no matter how unrequited my love for them may be -- because of a fantasy player, please get me some help.
This is why I am a little scared to enter my first foray in about five years into Fantasy Football. I have played before, but this year I think I am going to get sucked into it more than usual. My friend D. Blakes invited me to join a fantasy football league, and at press time the kinks are still being worked out. (Three teams in the league have a bye week every week, which means they don't play, which means they can't win. But we'll get it all worked out, don't worry Willie.)
I have always like fantasy football, because it gives me a reason to follow games I would not normally watch. For example, if for some reason I end up watching the Atlanta/Carolina game this Sunday (the opening day of the football season, i.e. my own personal Christmas), I normally would not have a vested interest. But with fantasy football, I have Alge Crumpler on Atlanta, and both Steve Smith and DeShaun Foster from Carolina, so I have a lot riding on it. Points-wise.
I have always kept fantasy football at arm's length, and that is where I'm a little scared. I have what doctor's call an "obsessive personality" which means that when I find interest in something, I tend to become completely attached to it for several weeks, often overloading. (See previous examples with blogging, Star Wars, Arrested Development, Iron & Wine, craft beer, etc.) I am the poster child for why people say there are "gateway drugs." Luckily, NyQuil is still as hardcore as I get, and that's only if I'm on vacation. Regardless, this lack of perspective and control is not something I want fantasy football to elicit from me.
And it's not that I don't want to get into it; I really do. But my problem is that I don't want to lose the forest for the proverbial trees. I am a football fan, first and foremost. I have been watching football for about twenty years, mostly following my star-crossed Bills through every wretched miserable season. But I always want to be a fan of football, not of "my players." I do not want to switch allegiances every year. Perennially, there will always be teams I will hate (Dallas, Miami, New York Giants) and teams that I kind of like (Philly, Seattle, Kansas City). And with each year, those teams, and the players on those teams, will have a firm place in my own personal universe of football.
But that's where fantasy football clouds the senses. For example, what if the Bills are playing the Dolphins, but I have the Dolphins defense on my fantasy team (this is strictly hypothetical as I would never pick the Miami Defense or any player from Miami ever). When game time comes, what do I want? Do I want my Bills to roll up yards and light up the scoreboard? Or do I take some sort of solace in the event of a defeat that at least the Bills lost, but hey, I got 6 fantasy points out of it!
Bullshit! Never! There will never be any joy in losing (especially to the goddamn Dolphins). And certainly no measly amount of points in a fantasy game should take away the sting of a loss. If I ever catch myself saying, "Well, the Bills lost, but at least the four interceptions that Losman threw are good for my fantasy D," I will repeatedly open a window and then slam it down on my own head. That's a Bill Shannon promise.
Quick story: A few years ago, I was at work, and there was this guy who worked in my department (he was canned shortly thereafter). And this guy was fat, I'm talking Orca fat. So anyway, I am walking around and I notice that this guy has a Buffalo Bills helmet on his computer. So I figure, hey this guy's alright. So I asked him, "Hey, you like Buffalo, huh?" to which he replied in the affirmative. So I said to him, "Big game this weekend huh?" I still remember, they were playing the Raiders. And this fat house of a man said, "Yeah, but I need them to lose because I have [Raiders quarterback] Rich Gannon on my fantasy team." It took all my inner strength to keep from taking his head and repeatedly slamming a window down on top of it.
Bottom line: if I ever turn against the Bills -- no matter how unrequited my love for them may be -- because of a fantasy player, please get me some help.
Thursday, August 31, 2006
"Fast and Furious"
I am an eternal optimist, especially when it comes to the Bills. They could have no shot at winning 3 games all season, and I'll still pick them to make the playoffs. That's what nearly a decade of AFC East dominance does, even ten years after the fact.
BUT (and I know it's only pre-season), the Bills looked good on Thursday night in their 20-13 win over the Detroit Lions, especially on the opening drive. Quarterback J.P. Losman was 5 for 5 to start the game, marching the Bills 85 yards down the field to score on the opening drive. And it's not just that his passes were accurate: he was confident. He looked like he knew where the ball was supposed to go at all times. He was not dancing in the pocket, he was not looking left and right. He was in control. I know, things could fall apart in the regular season, but Jonathan Paul Losman, the Adam Sandler lookalike, was clearly the best QB on the team. I also like the change in offensive philosophy. New offensive coordinator Steve Fairchild seems to be using the Mike Martz school of offense and spreading the field out. Not only are they utilizing the outside speed of wide receivers Lee Evans and (welcome back) Peerless Price, but they are having Willis McGahee run more to the outside. They could be a fun offense to watch; seem to have some precision.
Also (and again, I know this is all pre-season), they committed zero penalties and no turnovers in the entire first half (which is when the first and second strings play the most). No major mistakes. This is a good sign, and maybe a sign that new head coach Dick Jauron is getting through to a team that was heavily penalized over the last five years. Maybe I'm being way too optimistic. I know they aren't going to make the Super Bowl. Heck, the chance of them even making the playoffs this year is a longshot, but if they can make some strides, I think they are about 2-3 years away from being a very good team.
I'm really digging the new Tampa-2 defense they're running now too. There is clearly a lot more speed on the line and on the ends, which is something they didn't have with 300-plus lb linemen Pat Williams and Sam Adams over the last few years. Now they have guys who can disrupt the inside lanes and plug the gaps, but who are also fast enough to get to the quarterback. And all those who said the Bills reached too high for Donte Whitner and John McCargo in this past year's draft should realize that Whitner is going to be the starter at strong safety, and McCargo is making nice strides in camp. Plus, apparently this kid Kyle Williams out of LSU is a bit of a steal. I like the defense very much.
I know that this year will likely be a crushing disappointment, as every year since 1965 has ultimately been. But you gotta have hope. Otherwise, what's the point?
LET'S GO BUF-FA-LO!
BUT (and I know it's only pre-season), the Bills looked good on Thursday night in their 20-13 win over the Detroit Lions, especially on the opening drive. Quarterback J.P. Losman was 5 for 5 to start the game, marching the Bills 85 yards down the field to score on the opening drive. And it's not just that his passes were accurate: he was confident. He looked like he knew where the ball was supposed to go at all times. He was not dancing in the pocket, he was not looking left and right. He was in control. I know, things could fall apart in the regular season, but Jonathan Paul Losman, the Adam Sandler lookalike, was clearly the best QB on the team. I also like the change in offensive philosophy. New offensive coordinator Steve Fairchild seems to be using the Mike Martz school of offense and spreading the field out. Not only are they utilizing the outside speed of wide receivers Lee Evans and (welcome back) Peerless Price, but they are having Willis McGahee run more to the outside. They could be a fun offense to watch; seem to have some precision.
Also (and again, I know this is all pre-season), they committed zero penalties and no turnovers in the entire first half (which is when the first and second strings play the most). No major mistakes. This is a good sign, and maybe a sign that new head coach Dick Jauron is getting through to a team that was heavily penalized over the last five years. Maybe I'm being way too optimistic. I know they aren't going to make the Super Bowl. Heck, the chance of them even making the playoffs this year is a longshot, but if they can make some strides, I think they are about 2-3 years away from being a very good team.
I'm really digging the new Tampa-2 defense they're running now too. There is clearly a lot more speed on the line and on the ends, which is something they didn't have with 300-plus lb linemen Pat Williams and Sam Adams over the last few years. Now they have guys who can disrupt the inside lanes and plug the gaps, but who are also fast enough to get to the quarterback. And all those who said the Bills reached too high for Donte Whitner and John McCargo in this past year's draft should realize that Whitner is going to be the starter at strong safety, and McCargo is making nice strides in camp. Plus, apparently this kid Kyle Williams out of LSU is a bit of a steal. I like the defense very much.
I know that this year will likely be a crushing disappointment, as every year since 1965 has ultimately been. But you gotta have hope. Otherwise, what's the point?
LET'S GO BUF-FA-LO!
Thursday, August 24, 2006
Happy 2nd Blogoversary To Me!
I just realized that today is my second Blogoversary! It seems like only 730 short days ago that I first wrote my very first blog, musing as only a genius like myself can on the Olympics. Ruminating on such controversial topics as the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. Making a prediction that the Seattle Seahawks would be good one season too early. Am I clairvoyant? Perhaps. Am I eloquent. You tell me. Do I have a lot of free time on my hands? Without question.
Since many people remember everything I write down for the rest of their lives, this part will probably be superfluous, but for the rest of you, it's essential. Exactly one year ago today, I created a list of the many topics I would cover over the coming year. Well, the year is past, let's see how I did.
(Kidding aside, I never intended to blog about any of those things, and haven't read that post in a year, but hey, I keep my promises, even when it's unintentional.)
I'm not going to be so bold as to predict the topics for 2006-07, but let's hope the next 12 months bring all of us everything we want and more. Happy blogging!
Since many people remember everything I write down for the rest of their lives, this part will probably be superfluous, but for the rest of you, it's essential. Exactly one year ago today, I created a list of the many topics I would cover over the coming year. Well, the year is past, let's see how I did.
- Football (check)
- Stupid shit that I did (check)
- Pictures of my newborn toddlers (nope, they ran away)
- Bad things that happened to me (um, yeah)
- Embarrassing things that happened to me
- Celebrities I hate (check and check)
- How much weight I've gained (keypad won't work, dammit)
- My iPod (check and mate)
- Ju-jitsu (and other forms of self-defense)
- Celebrities I think are hot (are your ears ringing, Jude Law?!)
- The boys my twin teenage daughters are dating (I killed them, sorry)
- How to get one side of the Rubik's Cube (almost got it!)
- Sneaking food into a movie theater (two words: big pockets)
- Which baseball cards will appreciate in value over the next five years (baseball cards are dead)
- Movie quotes ("you're fired Ed, bing-bong-bong")
- An "irreverent" look at religion (maybe?)
- Nutritious dishes you can make in under 40 minutes (I prefer to eat out)
- A tribute to Lance Bass (seriously, I had no idea)
- Cats (The animal, not the musical, silly!) (nope)
- My soon-to-be annual pledge drive (still waiting for your donation)
- World leaders Pat Robertson wants to assassinate now (not enough bandwidth)
- Rants against the evils of corporate America and the way that big business runs our country (been done)
- Crossword puzzles I've actually finished (hasn't happened)
- Rappers to which I give mad respect (check)
(Kidding aside, I never intended to blog about any of those things, and haven't read that post in a year, but hey, I keep my promises, even when it's unintentional.)
I'm not going to be so bold as to predict the topics for 2006-07, but let's hope the next 12 months bring all of us everything we want and more. Happy blogging!
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
The Herb Deluxe®
I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking, Sure, a guy like Bill Shannon is good to have around every once in a while. He's loud, he doesn't pay for anything, he'll finish what's on my plate when I can't have another bite. He's alright by me.
But [this is still you thinking], somehow there's something missing. And I can't quite put my finger on it. Is it his lack of hygiene? His unjustified arrogance? His unnecessary use of large words in incorrect context? No, that's not it.
Oh! you finally exclaim, I've got it! As adequate as that William Herbert is, he's just not diverse enough. Let's face it, the boy is white-bred.
Well I have read all your emails and letters and faxes and telegrams, and I have listened to all your concerns about my lack of diversity. And -- are you ready for a bombshell? -- you were right! I have been far too slow to embrace diversity in my own physical self. Every time you see Bill Shannon you see the same thing. White face, white face, white face, pasty, pale white face. Name another place you go where you see that much white? Besides the North Pole! Right? Am I right or what?
This is America. And whether you want to call it a melting pot, a fruit salad or a national mosaic, you can't go anywhere this day and age without seeing people of so many great and diverse ethnicities. I, much like the Boston Red Sox, have been reluctant to integrate myself.
So with the help of some focus groups, including some leading multiculturalism and anti-defamation organizations, I have come up with a Bill Shannon for the new millennium, a Bill Shannon that you can count on to represent not only fellow caucasians, but sundry other ethnic groups as well.
And as a special bonus, we have also had some well-known artists come in to give their own renditions of what a Bill Shannon might look like in their eyes. I think the results will surprise you.
Well enough pomp and pageantry, I would now like to unveil the Twenty-Ought-Six-and-Beyond version. The Herb Deluxe, if you will.
First, the control group. This is the Original Bill Shannon you have all come to know and tolerate.
Pleasant, timeless. It gets the job done, no questions asked. The slacked jaw, the poor eyesight. All your favorites are there. That's three decades of mediocrity all up in your grillpiece, son. Recognize!
But you've probably had enough of that. Let's take a look at something a little more dangerous. I mean, have you ever wondered, I wonder what a Bill Shannon would look like as an East Asian?
Wonder no further, simply cast your eyes just inches upward and enjoy the Bill Shannon that comes from the Land of the Rising Sun. Sure, the Original Bill Shannon has wee eyes that obscure his breathtaking baby-blues. But East Asian Bill Shannon's eyes belie a sort of exotic (perhaps dangerous?) effect, one that says, Konichiwa! Ichiban! Domo Origato, Mr DiGiacomo. (That is literally the only Japanese I know, and I don't even know it. East Asian Bill Shannon is going to need some tweaking.)
But let's say that language barrier is too much for you. Let's say your name isn't Mike "Beach Justice" Shannon, but you still would like Bill Shannon to be a "brother." I've just the thing.
Afro-Carribbean Bill Shannon does not mess around. You can tell by the look in his eyes that he is determined and ready to throw down. But he's not a bad guy, he's just misunderstood. That look on his face is not anger, it's the pain that generations of oppression and injustice have brought. Afro-Carribbean Bill Shannon is not interested in messing a brotha up, but he does demand your respect. And notice, that even the Afro-Carribbean Bill Shannon does not come with eyebrows. (Ratzin-fratzin-googly-moogly...)
West-Asian Bill Shannon is one of the good ones. You can let him on the plane. Trust me. He's with me (leather).
Let's say you're appreciative of the diversity I've provided (and with the copious examples I have provided, you should be!), but you are still not satisfied. Why don't we fire up the ol' Flux Capacitor and jump in the TIME MACHINE?! Once that Delorean hits 88, you will see the inexorable march that Bill Shannon has made (and will continue to make) through time.
There are five distinct stages of a Bill Shannon in his lifetime. I hope you enjoy all of them. I only really enjoyed two of them.
First there is Baby Billy. You just want to pinch his face and give him $5, don't you? This is apparently right after baby's first beard-trimming.
Then Pre-Pubescent Bill (and no that is not like five years ago, haters!). His whole life ahead of him, and a trail of bodies behind him. Forget I said that last part.
The Original Version (see above). Unbelievably handsome, sure, I mean scary handsome. But let's not forget that has a very efficient notecard filing system. (Boy I really wish I hadn't brought that up.)
And Old-Timer Bill. If you call him Gramps you're bound to get a rap to the kisser, wise-guy!
But what's the fifth stage? Ah-HA! It was a trick! For the fifth stage, we go not back in time, but back in the evolution of man! (This one is for you, Tracie my dear.) I present to you, Half-Monkey-Half-Bill-Shannon!
Note, even in his primitive homo habilis state, he is still wearing eyeglasses. That's a commitment to good vision.
Now, it's a sad fact that Bill Shannon is not going to live forever folks. I know I know, you don't even wanna think about that. Trust me, neither do I! Ha ha ha ha ha, ahhhhh.... But anyway, when Bill Shannon is no longer here in a physical sense, he will always be here in physical essence. His spirit, his aura, will always be with you. No matter what. Bill Shannon is like Obi-Wan Kenobi in that way, except if Bill Shannon saw a mofo like Darth Vader coming up to him with a lightsaber, Bill Shannon would get the **** outta dodge, yaknowwhatumsayin?
But when Bill Shannon's physical being isn't here on earth for others to enjoy, we have to with the next best thing: art. Now many have debated what true art is. Is everything art? Is nothing art? Who decides what art is? Whatever your opinion, I don't think there will be any doubt that the following creations are not only works of art, but works of exquisite art. Mainly because of the subject matter.
Since we couldn't afford any real, living artists to create a tribute to Bill Shannon, I had to create some myself, using the styles of artists of the past. For example, had you ever wondered what Bill Shannon would look like if he were painted by the immortal Botticelli?
Well we'll never know, of course, because Botticelli has been dead since the early 1500s, but I am confident that the master couldn't do any better than the above.
What about Modigliani?
Sure Bill Shannon looks a little, shall we say "priggish" in this picture, but he has been known to be that way in real life as well.
And the great El Greco wanted to have a crack at Bill Shannon, and I don't think anyone could have asked for anything better.
Plus I look skinny as hell.
There is only one more version I'm unleashing at this time, which doesn't really fit into any of the other categories, and that is Drunk Bill.
According to some sort of complex mathematical theorem, the above picture is a hypothetical approximation of what Bill Shannon would look like had he consumed a few alcoholic beverages. Is this what Bill Shannon might look like in that state? I guess the world will never know. (Apparently when it happens though, he will be using a mouthguard.)
So there you have it. I'm hoping that this, my mandatory sensitivity training and my 360 hours of community service will finally silence those who say that Bill Shannon doesn't represent them, and only caters to his own interests. Nothing, friends, could be further from the truth. Next time you say, Bill Shannon is two-faced, just remember: it's more like eight or nine!!!!!!!
You're thinking, Sure, a guy like Bill Shannon is good to have around every once in a while. He's loud, he doesn't pay for anything, he'll finish what's on my plate when I can't have another bite. He's alright by me.
But [this is still you thinking], somehow there's something missing. And I can't quite put my finger on it. Is it his lack of hygiene? His unjustified arrogance? His unnecessary use of large words in incorrect context? No, that's not it.
Oh! you finally exclaim, I've got it! As adequate as that William Herbert is, he's just not diverse enough. Let's face it, the boy is white-bred.
Well I have read all your emails and letters and faxes and telegrams, and I have listened to all your concerns about my lack of diversity. And -- are you ready for a bombshell? -- you were right! I have been far too slow to embrace diversity in my own physical self. Every time you see Bill Shannon you see the same thing. White face, white face, white face, pasty, pale white face. Name another place you go where you see that much white? Besides the North Pole! Right? Am I right or what?
This is America. And whether you want to call it a melting pot, a fruit salad or a national mosaic, you can't go anywhere this day and age without seeing people of so many great and diverse ethnicities. I, much like the Boston Red Sox, have been reluctant to integrate myself.
So with the help of some focus groups, including some leading multiculturalism and anti-defamation organizations, I have come up with a Bill Shannon for the new millennium, a Bill Shannon that you can count on to represent not only fellow caucasians, but sundry other ethnic groups as well.
And as a special bonus, we have also had some well-known artists come in to give their own renditions of what a Bill Shannon might look like in their eyes. I think the results will surprise you.
Well enough pomp and pageantry, I would now like to unveil the Twenty-Ought-Six-and-Beyond version. The Herb Deluxe, if you will.
First, the control group. This is the Original Bill Shannon you have all come to know and tolerate.
Pleasant, timeless. It gets the job done, no questions asked. The slacked jaw, the poor eyesight. All your favorites are there. That's three decades of mediocrity all up in your grillpiece, son. Recognize!
But you've probably had enough of that. Let's take a look at something a little more dangerous. I mean, have you ever wondered, I wonder what a Bill Shannon would look like as an East Asian?
Wonder no further, simply cast your eyes just inches upward and enjoy the Bill Shannon that comes from the Land of the Rising Sun. Sure, the Original Bill Shannon has wee eyes that obscure his breathtaking baby-blues. But East Asian Bill Shannon's eyes belie a sort of exotic (perhaps dangerous?) effect, one that says, Konichiwa! Ichiban! Domo Origato, Mr DiGiacomo. (That is literally the only Japanese I know, and I don't even know it. East Asian Bill Shannon is going to need some tweaking.)
But let's say that language barrier is too much for you. Let's say your name isn't Mike "Beach Justice" Shannon, but you still would like Bill Shannon to be a "brother." I've just the thing.
Afro-Carribbean Bill Shannon does not mess around. You can tell by the look in his eyes that he is determined and ready to throw down. But he's not a bad guy, he's just misunderstood. That look on his face is not anger, it's the pain that generations of oppression and injustice have brought. Afro-Carribbean Bill Shannon is not interested in messing a brotha up, but he does demand your respect. And notice, that even the Afro-Carribbean Bill Shannon does not come with eyebrows. (Ratzin-fratzin-googly-moogly...)
West-Asian Bill Shannon is one of the good ones. You can let him on the plane. Trust me. He's with me (leather).
Let's say you're appreciative of the diversity I've provided (and with the copious examples I have provided, you should be!), but you are still not satisfied. Why don't we fire up the ol' Flux Capacitor and jump in the TIME MACHINE?! Once that Delorean hits 88, you will see the inexorable march that Bill Shannon has made (and will continue to make) through time.
There are five distinct stages of a Bill Shannon in his lifetime. I hope you enjoy all of them. I only really enjoyed two of them.
First there is Baby Billy. You just want to pinch his face and give him $5, don't you? This is apparently right after baby's first beard-trimming.
Then Pre-Pubescent Bill (and no that is not like five years ago, haters!). His whole life ahead of him, and a trail of bodies behind him. Forget I said that last part.
The Original Version (see above). Unbelievably handsome, sure, I mean scary handsome. But let's not forget that has a very efficient notecard filing system. (Boy I really wish I hadn't brought that up.)
And Old-Timer Bill. If you call him Gramps you're bound to get a rap to the kisser, wise-guy!
But what's the fifth stage? Ah-HA! It was a trick! For the fifth stage, we go not back in time, but back in the evolution of man! (This one is for you, Tracie my dear.) I present to you, Half-Monkey-Half-Bill-Shannon!
Note, even in his primitive homo habilis state, he is still wearing eyeglasses. That's a commitment to good vision.Now, it's a sad fact that Bill Shannon is not going to live forever folks. I know I know, you don't even wanna think about that. Trust me, neither do I! Ha ha ha ha ha, ahhhhh.... But anyway, when Bill Shannon is no longer here in a physical sense, he will always be here in physical essence. His spirit, his aura, will always be with you. No matter what. Bill Shannon is like Obi-Wan Kenobi in that way, except if Bill Shannon saw a mofo like Darth Vader coming up to him with a lightsaber, Bill Shannon would get the **** outta dodge, yaknowwhatumsayin?
But when Bill Shannon's physical being isn't here on earth for others to enjoy, we have to with the next best thing: art. Now many have debated what true art is. Is everything art? Is nothing art? Who decides what art is? Whatever your opinion, I don't think there will be any doubt that the following creations are not only works of art, but works of exquisite art. Mainly because of the subject matter.
Since we couldn't afford any real, living artists to create a tribute to Bill Shannon, I had to create some myself, using the styles of artists of the past. For example, had you ever wondered what Bill Shannon would look like if he were painted by the immortal Botticelli?
Well we'll never know, of course, because Botticelli has been dead since the early 1500s, but I am confident that the master couldn't do any better than the above.What about Modigliani?
Sure Bill Shannon looks a little, shall we say "priggish" in this picture, but he has been known to be that way in real life as well.And the great El Greco wanted to have a crack at Bill Shannon, and I don't think anyone could have asked for anything better.
Plus I look skinny as hell.There is only one more version I'm unleashing at this time, which doesn't really fit into any of the other categories, and that is Drunk Bill.
According to some sort of complex mathematical theorem, the above picture is a hypothetical approximation of what Bill Shannon would look like had he consumed a few alcoholic beverages. Is this what Bill Shannon might look like in that state? I guess the world will never know. (Apparently when it happens though, he will be using a mouthguard.)
So there you have it. I'm hoping that this, my mandatory sensitivity training and my 360 hours of community service will finally silence those who say that Bill Shannon doesn't represent them, and only caters to his own interests. Nothing, friends, could be further from the truth. Next time you say, Bill Shannon is two-faced, just remember: it's more like eight or nine!!!!!!!
Sunday, August 13, 2006
I Know This Isn't the Year, But...
I am very happy to see that the Bills didn't completely embarrass themselves yesterday. And apparently J.P. Losman is finally making some strides, ending the game going 13-for-13 passing. He started off slow but had a decent second half, including a couple of time-consuming drives. I didn't actually see the game, so maybe they did look like crap (and I'm soooo pissed I didn't DVR it) but at least the defense didn't allow any points in the second half and they only lost by one. Besides, it is pre-season after all.
I'm actually just happy to see that J.P. can actually get the offense into some kind of a rhythm, and controlling the ball in the second half is a good sign. I am more interested in evaluating the talent rather than the final score.
Bottom line: It's football season baby! And I'm finally getting excited about it! Finally seeing those red helmets made it kick in for me. I've gone without football for so long that I forgot how excited I get about it. For the first time in a while, I have not had that much anticipation for this season, but it's hitting me now.
Perhaps to exorcise the demons of the past, I am going to present the five most heartbreaking moments in Bills history from 1988 to present. I have narrowed this down from the thousands-upon-thousands from which to choose, and these are the ones that either made me cry, made me break something, or made me physically ill.
#5. Black Monday. This was the day in 2000 that the late John Butler, who was their General Manager at the time, released three Hall of Fame players -- Andre Reed, Thurman Thomas and Bruce Smith -- on the same day. These three players were the symbols of the Super Bowl years, and Butler just dropped 'em. Thurman found out about it on the news; they didn't even call him to tell him. One might say that the franchise has been on a downswing every since. You don't just drop the heart of your team like that.
#4. 1988 AFC Championship Game. This is my favorite Bills team of all time. They were 12-4 that year and would have had home field advantage throughout the playoffs (they were 8-0 at home that year) if they had won their last regular season game against the Colts. In fact, I'm tempted to say that the Colts game was actually the heartbreaker, since it cost them home field advantage.
Anyway, the Bills were so good that year. It was the year the tore the goalposts down when they won the division, and they were just great to watch. They had the #1 defense in the AFC -- the Blizzard Defense -- and all their great players were coming into their prime. So they won their first playoff game against the Oilers on New Years Day and then went to Cincinnati and just got beat up. Cincinnati's no-huddle offense was pretty potent that year but they were a bunch of assholes. I really hated that Bengals team. Douchebag David Fulcher, illiterate James Brooks, cheater Cris Collinsworth (oh yeah, he cheated in that game), flash-in-the-pan Ickey Woods. I hate them all. The Bills were so close that year and boy did that game hurt.
#3. Ronnie Harmon drops the ball. In the 1989 Playoffs the Bills were playing the Browns in Cleveland. This was the year of the "Bickering Bills," where two assistant coaches got into a fist-fight and Jim Kelly and receiver Chris Burkett got into a fight on the sidelines in front of cameras on Monday Night Football. Oh, and Thurman Thomas called Jim Kelly out on TV about being a leader and to stop pointing fingers.
So this game was really hard fought, and both teams were just trading touchdowns back and forth. Thurman had a huge game, with 13 catches and two touchdowns. But a missed extra point put them down by 4 instead of 3 points, which means they had to go for a touchdown. Late in the 4th quarter, Jim Kelly (who threw for 405 yards and 4 TD's) threw a perfect pass in the back of the end zone to Ronnie Harmon. But Ronnie dropped it. It was sickening, and a very cruel introduction to the decade of the 1990s.
#2. Super Bowl XXV. Norwood, wide right. Read about it here. I don't want to talk about it.
#1. The Music City Miracle OR The Immaculate Deception.
This is one of the most disputed plays in football history. End of the game, Bills march down the field to score what appears to be the winning field goal. Bills kick off with like a minute left, and the Tennessee Titans call a play called "Homerun Throwback," which entails a lateral throw from Frank Wycheck to Kevin Dyson. The ball is thrown from the middle of the field toward the sideline, the Bills are all caught out of their lanes and running toward the middle, and Dyson flies down the sideline for the touchdown.
You can watch the original broadcast here:
A few things about this game. First of all, it was 10 years almost to the day after Ronnie Harmon's dropped pass (see #3 above). And I have never felt more sick to my stomach after a sporting event. I remember that I was watching the game at Javen's Midler Ave house, and when the Bills scored that field goal, I was ecstatic. And when the Titans ran it back, I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach and then ripped my heart out of my chest. No single sporting event in my life hurt that much. I remember after the game ended, I just kind of left and got in my car and went home. I was in such a daze. I think I drove around the neighborhood for about an hour, just trying to make sense of it. I'll never forget it.
The other thing is that -- and I don't care what anyone says about this -- IT WAS A FORWARD PASS, which made it an illegal play. I will go to my grave with that knowledge. And if people can't admit that much, can't they at least acknowledge the possibility that it was a forward pass? I remember shortly after the game, the scourge of Western New York, Paul Maguire, said something like "there is no disputing it was a legal play." I don't think anyone would say there is no disputing it. I have wanted to put a knife in Maguire's face ever since. Wade Phillips was so stupid.
So goes the list of heartbreak. Let's hope we can avoid it this year, boys.
I'm actually just happy to see that J.P. can actually get the offense into some kind of a rhythm, and controlling the ball in the second half is a good sign. I am more interested in evaluating the talent rather than the final score.
Bottom line: It's football season baby! And I'm finally getting excited about it! Finally seeing those red helmets made it kick in for me. I've gone without football for so long that I forgot how excited I get about it. For the first time in a while, I have not had that much anticipation for this season, but it's hitting me now.
Perhaps to exorcise the demons of the past, I am going to present the five most heartbreaking moments in Bills history from 1988 to present. I have narrowed this down from the thousands-upon-thousands from which to choose, and these are the ones that either made me cry, made me break something, or made me physically ill.
#5. Black Monday. This was the day in 2000 that the late John Butler, who was their General Manager at the time, released three Hall of Fame players -- Andre Reed, Thurman Thomas and Bruce Smith -- on the same day. These three players were the symbols of the Super Bowl years, and Butler just dropped 'em. Thurman found out about it on the news; they didn't even call him to tell him. One might say that the franchise has been on a downswing every since. You don't just drop the heart of your team like that.
#4. 1988 AFC Championship Game. This is my favorite Bills team of all time. They were 12-4 that year and would have had home field advantage throughout the playoffs (they were 8-0 at home that year) if they had won their last regular season game against the Colts. In fact, I'm tempted to say that the Colts game was actually the heartbreaker, since it cost them home field advantage.
Anyway, the Bills were so good that year. It was the year the tore the goalposts down when they won the division, and they were just great to watch. They had the #1 defense in the AFC -- the Blizzard Defense -- and all their great players were coming into their prime. So they won their first playoff game against the Oilers on New Years Day and then went to Cincinnati and just got beat up. Cincinnati's no-huddle offense was pretty potent that year but they were a bunch of assholes. I really hated that Bengals team. Douchebag David Fulcher, illiterate James Brooks, cheater Cris Collinsworth (oh yeah, he cheated in that game), flash-in-the-pan Ickey Woods. I hate them all. The Bills were so close that year and boy did that game hurt.
#3. Ronnie Harmon drops the ball. In the 1989 Playoffs the Bills were playing the Browns in Cleveland. This was the year of the "Bickering Bills," where two assistant coaches got into a fist-fight and Jim Kelly and receiver Chris Burkett got into a fight on the sidelines in front of cameras on Monday Night Football. Oh, and Thurman Thomas called Jim Kelly out on TV about being a leader and to stop pointing fingers.
So this game was really hard fought, and both teams were just trading touchdowns back and forth. Thurman had a huge game, with 13 catches and two touchdowns. But a missed extra point put them down by 4 instead of 3 points, which means they had to go for a touchdown. Late in the 4th quarter, Jim Kelly (who threw for 405 yards and 4 TD's) threw a perfect pass in the back of the end zone to Ronnie Harmon. But Ronnie dropped it. It was sickening, and a very cruel introduction to the decade of the 1990s.
#2. Super Bowl XXV. Norwood, wide right. Read about it here. I don't want to talk about it.
#1. The Music City Miracle OR The Immaculate Deception.
This is one of the most disputed plays in football history. End of the game, Bills march down the field to score what appears to be the winning field goal. Bills kick off with like a minute left, and the Tennessee Titans call a play called "Homerun Throwback," which entails a lateral throw from Frank Wycheck to Kevin Dyson. The ball is thrown from the middle of the field toward the sideline, the Bills are all caught out of their lanes and running toward the middle, and Dyson flies down the sideline for the touchdown.
You can watch the original broadcast here:
A few things about this game. First of all, it was 10 years almost to the day after Ronnie Harmon's dropped pass (see #3 above). And I have never felt more sick to my stomach after a sporting event. I remember that I was watching the game at Javen's Midler Ave house, and when the Bills scored that field goal, I was ecstatic. And when the Titans ran it back, I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach and then ripped my heart out of my chest. No single sporting event in my life hurt that much. I remember after the game ended, I just kind of left and got in my car and went home. I was in such a daze. I think I drove around the neighborhood for about an hour, just trying to make sense of it. I'll never forget it.
The other thing is that -- and I don't care what anyone says about this -- IT WAS A FORWARD PASS, which made it an illegal play. I will go to my grave with that knowledge. And if people can't admit that much, can't they at least acknowledge the possibility that it was a forward pass? I remember shortly after the game, the scourge of Western New York, Paul Maguire, said something like "there is no disputing it was a legal play." I don't think anyone would say there is no disputing it. I have wanted to put a knife in Maguire's face ever since. Wade Phillips was so stupid.
So goes the list of heartbreak. Let's hope we can avoid it this year, boys.
Thursday, August 10, 2006
A Couple of Wedding Pics (Not Mine)
We had a fine old time at the Holihan wedding a few weekends ago. (Karen Holihan is my cousin, although I don't think I have any pictures of her.) Rather, I decided to post a couple pics of my siblings, parents and future sibling-in-law. Your fearless author went stag, but maybe next time we bring a special ladyfriend. Please enjoy...
Sweet ShanFam Action
Me and my Mom and Dad
Danielle (Mike's bride-to-be), Kate, Eileen and Me in Front
Mike, Mom, Dad, Me
My brother and I showing the old man some love
All looking forward to a headache-laden Saturday
Puttin' out the vibe with one pissed-off old lady
Smile idiots
Sweet ShanFam Action
Me and my Mom and Dad
Danielle (Mike's bride-to-be), Kate, Eileen and Me in Front
Mike, Mom, Dad, Me
My brother and I showing the old man some love
All looking forward to a headache-laden Saturday
Puttin' out the vibe with one pissed-off old lady
Smile idiots
Monday, August 07, 2006
Turnpike Jackass
Just because I have an Intelligence Quotient in the mid- to high-130s does not mean that I am intelligent. I have mentioned this before, but I'm pretty sure I have some sort of a severe learning disability that affects my ability to negotiate spatial relationships. For example, I can't look at someone and tell how tall they are, or what their height might be. I am bad with estimating crowds and distances, and even worse when it comes to measuring things like ounces or liters. Yes, when it comes to figuring out whether a shirt would fit, or if pants go with a shirt, I am quasi-retarted. It's not really my fault.
When you take this lack of ability to figure out where you are in the world and combine it with a very slight case of A.D.D., and add driving into the mix, you have a recipe for hilarious disaster. Such was the case with my soujourn home to Syracuse from the great state of Delaware (which was the first state, for those of ya'll who don't know).
Doug and Rachel and Catherine (their infant) and I had a glorious weekend of carousing, boozing and walking in the beautiful hot weather. Finally, regrettably, I had to go. I wanted to make sure I got onto Route 81 North before the sun went down and I got completely fucking lost.
I reached route 476 North at about 6PM, still with plenty of sunlight to be had. I saw a bunch of signs that the Penn Turnpike was coming up quickly, with lots of lanes and arrows pointing to areas where I could pick up a ticket and get on the 'Pike. But as the twisty road turned and zig-zagged, I somehow ended up on some sort of "express" lane which contained no ticket-machines. By the time I realized this, I had gone far too far beyond them and could not back up. It turns out I had reached a high-speed EZ-Pass lane, and because of my procrastination (go figure) I have not received my EZ-Pass yet, so I was traveling on the PA Turnpike completely ticketless. Oh the danger!
When I got to the end of the Turnpike, I flashed a $20 to the toll booth operator and told him I never got a ticket and how much do I owe him? I had expected him to simply shout out the maximum amount and I would just have to fork that over. But surprisingly, the toll booth operator (a younger guy wearing a backward baseball cap, of all things) took his time. He asked me where I had gotten on, how much it was going in the other direction, etc. He told me the fee would only be $5.25, which was the exact amount I had paid going into Delaware. He got out of his booth, quickly jotted down my license plate number and driver's license info, and then charged me the $5.25, made me sign a letter and then sent me on my way. Scanning the letter quickly, I saw the amount of $22.75, which I was sure was the amount I would be fined for traveling the 'Pike without a ticket.
But when I got on the road, I realized that what I was given was a one-time waiver, saying they would only charge me the normal fee this time, but if I ever did this again, I would get charged the total amount. WHAT? Was the state of PA giving me a break? The state I have always railed against for being such a horrible drive? I will no longer refer to you as Pennsyl-tucky, great Keystone State, for I truly do have a friend in thee.
Unless I get a bill for $22.75 in the next 6-8 weeks. Then it's ON.
When you take this lack of ability to figure out where you are in the world and combine it with a very slight case of A.D.D., and add driving into the mix, you have a recipe for hilarious disaster. Such was the case with my soujourn home to Syracuse from the great state of Delaware (which was the first state, for those of ya'll who don't know).
Doug and Rachel and Catherine (their infant) and I had a glorious weekend of carousing, boozing and walking in the beautiful hot weather. Finally, regrettably, I had to go. I wanted to make sure I got onto Route 81 North before the sun went down and I got completely fucking lost.
I reached route 476 North at about 6PM, still with plenty of sunlight to be had. I saw a bunch of signs that the Penn Turnpike was coming up quickly, with lots of lanes and arrows pointing to areas where I could pick up a ticket and get on the 'Pike. But as the twisty road turned and zig-zagged, I somehow ended up on some sort of "express" lane which contained no ticket-machines. By the time I realized this, I had gone far too far beyond them and could not back up. It turns out I had reached a high-speed EZ-Pass lane, and because of my procrastination (go figure) I have not received my EZ-Pass yet, so I was traveling on the PA Turnpike completely ticketless. Oh the danger!
When I got to the end of the Turnpike, I flashed a $20 to the toll booth operator and told him I never got a ticket and how much do I owe him? I had expected him to simply shout out the maximum amount and I would just have to fork that over. But surprisingly, the toll booth operator (a younger guy wearing a backward baseball cap, of all things) took his time. He asked me where I had gotten on, how much it was going in the other direction, etc. He told me the fee would only be $5.25, which was the exact amount I had paid going into Delaware. He got out of his booth, quickly jotted down my license plate number and driver's license info, and then charged me the $5.25, made me sign a letter and then sent me on my way. Scanning the letter quickly, I saw the amount of $22.75, which I was sure was the amount I would be fined for traveling the 'Pike without a ticket.
But when I got on the road, I realized that what I was given was a one-time waiver, saying they would only charge me the normal fee this time, but if I ever did this again, I would get charged the total amount. WHAT? Was the state of PA giving me a break? The state I have always railed against for being such a horrible drive? I will no longer refer to you as Pennsyl-tucky, great Keystone State, for I truly do have a friend in thee.
Unless I get a bill for $22.75 in the next 6-8 weeks. Then it's ON.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Ben Frankin's Thirteen Virtues
When I was reading up on my last blog post (see my mastery of vocabulary and thought below) I came upon the Thirteen Virtues that Benjamin Franklin created as a young man. I am trying to better myself all around, and could think of no better starting point than the one's Old Ben came up with. And yes, those of you who know me know that I have a long way to go. But it's a good starting point, I think.
Keep in mind, Franklin came up with these when he was just 20 years old. Oh, if I could only be one-tenth as brilliant as Ben, even being that I am 50% older now than he was then. (The spelling errors are his not mind. Don't forget I'm a brilliant speller.)
1. "TEMPERANCE. Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation."
2. "SILENCE. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation."
3. "ORDER. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time."
4. "RESOLUTION. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve."
5. "FRUGALITY. Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing."
6. "INDUSTRY. Lose no time; be always employ'd in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions."
7. "SINCERITY. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly."
8. "JUSTICE. Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty."
9. "MODERATION. Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve."
10. "CLEANLINESS. Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, cloaths, or habitation."
11. "TRANQUILLITY. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable."
12. "CHASTITY. Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dulness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another's peace or reputation."
13. "HUMILITY. Imitate Jesus and Socrates."
Keep in mind, Franklin came up with these when he was just 20 years old. Oh, if I could only be one-tenth as brilliant as Ben, even being that I am 50% older now than he was then. (The spelling errors are his not mind. Don't forget I'm a brilliant speller.)
1. "TEMPERANCE. Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation."
2. "SILENCE. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation."
3. "ORDER. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time."
4. "RESOLUTION. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve."
5. "FRUGALITY. Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing."
6. "INDUSTRY. Lose no time; be always employ'd in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions."
7. "SINCERITY. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly."
8. "JUSTICE. Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty."
9. "MODERATION. Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve."
10. "CLEANLINESS. Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, cloaths, or habitation."
11. "TRANQUILLITY. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable."
12. "CHASTITY. Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dulness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another's peace or reputation."
13. "HUMILITY. Imitate Jesus and Socrates."
The Greatest American - Deconstructed and Disemboweled
In 2004 and early 2005, a survey called "The Greatest American" was conducted. It was a compendium of who we considered our all-time greatest citizens. I had never heard of this until a few days ago, though I had heard of the "100 Greatest Britons" and
"The Greatest Canadian." I always thought, what an interesting idea, why didn't they do that for America? It's only the greatest country on earth!
Now I'm sort of wishing they hadn't. I don't know who they were polling for this, but my guess is either a) nobody smart, or b) nobody intelligent.
I decided to pore through this list and give a YES, NO or MAYBE as to whether each person listed deserves to be counted among the twenty-five greatest citizens this country has ever known. (MAYBE=DEBATABLE) Before I get to the top twenty-five, let me do a quick blow-thru on the 75 nominees who didn't crack the top quarter, and give them a glib YES/NO/MAYBE rating as to whether they deserve to be counted among the top centenary of citizenry.
I don't know what the criteria is, but for me it would either be someone who either invented something, revolutionized a certain field, incapsulated a time period or movement (ie. is/was an icon), great leader, or was a hero in one field or another.
Now remember, and I cannot stress this enough, this is not about the last century, or the last decade. This is about the history of the nation, all 228 (at the time) years of it. Keep that in mind. I certainly don't claim to be a scholar on all things American, but if some of these choices don't boggle the mind...
The best of the rest (remaining 75, in alphabetical order):
Now after that, can you see how there may have been some questionable choices? Okay, now to the top 25. Remember, this list compiles what are the twenty-five greates people to have ever been a citizen of the United States. Does that concept hurt your brain a little? Cuz it does mine. We are talking about 230 years of presidents, science, sports, art, literature, music, film, war, business, entertainment, exploration, civil rights, you name it. Just keep that in mind on this list, ok?
The Top 25
25. Neil Armstrong. Okay, YES. He was the first human being to land on the moon, not only striking a blow for American pride, but also science. He is an icon of American ingenuity and excellence. Good choice. (ICON)
24. Henry Ford. Again, YES. He was a controversial figure. From "welfare capitalism" to Union-busting to mass-production to possible anti-semitism, there is no denying that the man is an icon of the auto industry, and therefore an icon of industrialization and modernization. (REVOLUTIONARY)
23. The Wright Brothers. YES. Wow, three-for-three so far, America! Orville and Wilbur Wright (counted as one person here) were not only the first to fly, but the first to fly repeatedly. They were the first to consistently get an aircraft to fly (not just glide) under its own power. National travel would not be the same without them. Or maybe it would have, just not as soon. (INVENTORS)
22. Rosa Parks. YES. Her refusal to give up her seat on a bus started a boycott that galvanized the country into taking one more step toward integration and equality. Can't really say much more than that. (ICON)
21. Muhammed Ali. YES. Perhaps the greatest athletic presence of all time, he was dominant in his sport, and outspoken outside of it. He was a larger-than-life presence and an icon of American sports. (ICON)
20. Lance Armstrong (Named America's "Greatest Athlete"). A-ha. Now the first chink in the armor. Say what you want about Lance Armstrong, but is he really one of the greatest Americans of all time? Are you going by his beating cancer? That's great but a lot of people have beaten cancer. Are you going by his dominance in the sport over several years? Where is Bill Russell or Michael Jordan or Jim Brown or Babe Ruth? Are you really telling me that over 100-plus years of athletics, Armstrong is the greatest? Sorry, I say NO.
19. Eleanor Roosevelt (Named "America's Greatest First Lady"). This one is a toughie for me. I admire her a lot, but who knows how famous she would have been had she not been the First Lady. And let's not forget, the First Lady is just someone who is married to the Prez. But she re-defined the role of First Lady, taking an active role in politics and not just being a trophy. Plus, she actually helped FDR get elected due to her connection with black communities across the country, garnering millions of votes. I'll say MAYBE (but leaning toward yes). (REVOLUTIONARY)
18. Bill Gates. YES. Criticize his business practices if you must, but you have to admire the guy's ingenuity and entreprenurial spirit. Plus, even though he was once worth over $100,000,000,000 (that's one hundred billion), he has given more than half of it away to charitable organizations. Not to mention that he helped usher in the new computer era, which has brought not only the country, but the world, a more effective means of communication. Wow, this list ain't as bad as I thought.
17. Bob Hope. NO. Okay, I'm sorry. Just because Bob Hope remained visible for six decades does not mean he was excellent for that long. (Forget that he was born in England.) Let's face it, he hasn't actually been funny since about 1968. He is to be praised for his longevity, but for advancing the comedy artform, give me Johnny Carson, Ernie Kovacs, Groucho Marx or Jack Benny any day. Sorry Bob.
16. John F. Kennedy. This one is a tough one for me, believe it or not. But I am going to say YES, and not because JFK was such a great president (he didn't really have the chance to become a great one) but because his death represents the death of American innocence. His life (and that of his family) plays out like an American tragic novel. All-American guy from large Irish-Catholic family, becomes president, is gunned down in his prime. By all accounts he was a great leader of men, though he had his missteps like the Bay of Pigs. He basically skated on charisma, from what I know, though he was not a weak man in any way. He makes my list as an icon, not necessarily as a president.
15. Thomas Alva Edison. YES. The Wizard of Menlo Park is one of the greatest and most prolific inventors in human history. Though he didn't invent many of the items he is credited for, he often improved those inventions. He had over 1500 patents. He is a symbol of intelligence and ingenuity. (SCIENTIST/INVENTOR)
14. Albert Einstein. (Named "Greatest American Scientist" and "Greatest Jewish American". Double-threat!). YES. Forget that he was born in Deutchland (that's Germany to you and me), this man's name is literally synonymous with "genius." (Or "idiot" if you are being sarcastic.) In fact, this guy should be way higher than 14th. He was voted the 10th most influential person in human history in one poll. Time Magazine named him "Person of the Century." He is considered one of the elite intellects of our or any other time. He should be like top 3. (SCIENTIST/INVENTOR)
13. Walt Disney. I would have to say MAYBE. I wouldn't put the guy who revolutionized quantum physics slightly below the guy who invented Goofy. Yes, he has become an icon in his own right, but in a way, hasn't his name become synonymous with everything that is wrong with America? Watered-down entertainment product? Evil corporate empire? Walt Disney is far more influential as a corporation than it was as a man. If you are going to go for entertainers, wouldn't you go for W.C. Fields or P.T. Barnum for more authentic American showmanship? He started an iconic corporate identity, but Walt himself? Iffy.
12. Thomas Jefferson. YES. Oh my YES. Not only is he an iconic president, overseeing the Louisiana Purchase and the Lewis and Clark expeditions, but he is one of the great philosophical thinkers of our time. Though he was a man of contradictions (an equalist who owned slaves), he is considered by many to be the greatest mind to ever occupy the White House. If it weren't for Jefferson and the rest of the founding fathers, who created an impenetrable set of rules for America to go by, who knows if this great experiment would have lasted. (LEADER)
11. Billy Graham. NO, certainly not top-fifteen. I admire him as a person, and he has had a long career of spreading gospel (however you might feel about that) but he hasn't had that one moment, that one iconic event to set him apart from other evangelists (though he appears to be refreshingly squeaky clean). I would say he is perhaps top-100, but #11 is pushing it.
10. Franklin D. Roosevelt. YES. For my money this man is the greatest president in the history of the United States. The sheer volume of things he accomplished (getting us out of the depression, through World War II, social programs, rural development) is staggering. The New Deal alone was revolutionary. Unemployment shrunk a little every year of his presidency, and the United States's Gross Domestic Product soared. And no, this was not cyclical; this was in direct response to many of FDR's programs. One of the great men of the 20th Century. (LEADER)
9. Oprah Winfrey (Named "Greatest Woman in American history"). Who is a greater American than the man who defeated the Nazis? A daytime TV talk show host of course! The fact that Oprah cracks the top 1000, let alone TOP 10 GREATEST AMERICANS OF ALL TIME (ARRRRGGGHHH MY BRAIN) is a testament to a woman who can market herself, even though she has little discernible talent. Seriously, what does this woman do? She has guests. Umm... she has a magazine with her own alien-like mug on the cover every issue. She tells people to read books (that she herself has not written, mind you). If this selection doesn't insult you a little, I have to seriously question your patriotism. Here's hoping Ricki Lake or Sally Jesse Raphael is on next century's list! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8. Elvis Presley (Named "America's Greatest Entertainer"). YES. I am not a fan of Elvis's music. I personally would take John Lee Hooker or Furry Lewis any day, but as an icon and a tragic figure, he is nearly unparalleled in modern entertainment. He is an example of the legend exceeding the product, especially in his later, Vegas years. In a way he stole black music, and made it popular though it wasn't authentic. But his status as a legend is indisputible. (ICON)
7. Bill Clinton. NO. I like Bill Clinton and think he was an above-average president. #7 American ever? I don't think so. I'll move on from here.
6. George W. Bush (Named "Greatest Living American"). NO. The fact that there are people out there who actually belive this not only makes me sad, it makes me angry. This list just lost all credibility for me. I'm not sure I even want to go on. Where is Herbert Hoover or James Buchanan or Warren G. F**king Harding? Future generations will look upon this listing and laugh. Maybe we will be known as.... "The Dumbf**k Generation" over this.
5. Benjamin Franklin (14.9% of votes for Greatest American). YES. He wasn't a president, but he was one of the true renaissance men of early America. He was an inventor and a scholar, a writer, a philosopher, a newspaper printer and editor; he was the first true "polymath" of the United States. A no-brainer (irony not intended). (SCIENTIST/INVENTOR/ICON)
4. George Washington (17.7% of votes for Greatest American). YES. One of the most humble, yet virtuous and capable men in the history of our country, George Washington was basically coronated (he won the electoral college unanimously to become president), but he parlayed his status as a war hero not to be a dictator, but a benevolent ruler, setting the bar for all those who came after him (whether they adhered to it or not). He is clearly one of the three greatest presidents we've ever had. He is the very essence of American liberty. (LEADER)
3. Martin Luther King, Jr. (19.7% of votes for Greatest American, Named "Greatest African American"). YES. The Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. is THE African American of note in this country. No black American has had more impact or influence on the course of race relations and civil rights in this country. He promoted non-violence, but absolute racial equality. His assassination made him a martyr, but his legacy has lived on long after him. (ICON)
2. Abraham Lincoln (23.5% of votes for Greatest American). YES. Abraham Lincoln is one of the most virtuous men to ever lead this country. He helped not only end slavery, but to keep the nation together when it was crumbling. The Civil War was something he didn't want, but when it happened, he committed to it. Perhaps no president was more polarizing at his time, which is why he was so hated and then assassinated. I couldn't possibly do his presidency justice, other than to say that he is one of our three greatest presidents. (LEADER)
1. Ronald Reagan (24.0% of votes for Greatest American, Named "Greatest American"). YES. There is no way I consider Ronald Reagan to be the greatest American that ever lived, nor do I consider him to be our best president. Maybe not even top 10. But as an icon of American prosperity and the end of the Cold War, he stands alone. There were a lot of problems with his presidency that I believed were glossed over after his death, but he does remain an indelible icon of 1980s America, which is why I would include him, but not that high, and not as a president. (ICON)
Epilogue:
Okay, so maybe I didn't savage the top 25 as much as I thought, but I thought many of the choices (Armstrong? Oprah?? W???) are terrible, terrible choices. And there were even more questionable and/or flat out godawful choices in the top 75. Feel free to list your agreements/dissent in the comments section.
(And please, make it educated and not some stupid partisan, ad hominem attack, thanks in advance.)
"The Greatest Canadian." I always thought, what an interesting idea, why didn't they do that for America? It's only the greatest country on earth!
Now I'm sort of wishing they hadn't. I don't know who they were polling for this, but my guess is either a) nobody smart, or b) nobody intelligent.
I decided to pore through this list and give a YES, NO or MAYBE as to whether each person listed deserves to be counted among the twenty-five greatest citizens this country has ever known. (MAYBE=DEBATABLE) Before I get to the top twenty-five, let me do a quick blow-thru on the 75 nominees who didn't crack the top quarter, and give them a glib YES/NO/MAYBE rating as to whether they deserve to be counted among the top centenary of citizenry.
I don't know what the criteria is, but for me it would either be someone who either invented something, revolutionized a certain field, incapsulated a time period or movement (ie. is/was an icon), great leader, or was a hero in one field or another.
Now remember, and I cannot stress this enough, this is not about the last century, or the last decade. This is about the history of the nation, all 228 (at the time) years of it. Keep that in mind. I certainly don't claim to be a scholar on all things American, but if some of these choices don't boggle the mind...
The best of the rest (remaining 75, in alphabetical order):
* Maya Angelou (NO)
* Susan B. Anthony (YES)
* Lucille Ball (MAYBE)
* Alexander Graham Bell (YES, even though he was Canadian)
* Barbara Bush (NO)
* George H. W. Bush (good lord NO)
* Laura Bush (Jesus Harold Christ, NO)
* Andrew Carnegie (YES)
* Johnny Carson (YES)
* Jimmy Carter (of course NOT)
* George Washington Carver (YES)
* Ray Charles (NO)
* César Chávez (MAYBE)
* Hillary Rodham Clinton (are you kidding me? NO)
* Bill Cosby (NO)
* Tom Cruise (NO)
* Ellen DeGeneres (NO, what?)
* Frederick Douglass (YES)
* Amelia Earhart (YES)
* Clint Eastwood (MAYBE)
* John Edwards (NO)
* Dwight D. Eisenhower (YES)
* Brett Favre (I like him, but NO)
* Mel Gibson (NO, he had an Australian accent for years)
* Rudy Giuliani (MAYBE)
* John Glenn (YES)
* Alexander Hamilton (YES)
* Tom Hanks (NO, but he's good)
* Hugh Hefner (NO, maybe if he had died young, now he's just sad)
* Katharine Hepburn (MAYBE)
* Howard Hughes (YES)
* Michael Jackson (NO!)
* Steve Jobs (MAYBE)
* Lyndon B. Johnson (NO)
* Michael Jordan (MAYBE, if only for his dominance)
* Helen Keller (MAYBE)
* Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis (NO)
* Robert F. Kennedy (MAYBE)
* Rush Limbaugh (NO)
* Charles Lindbergh (YES)
* George Lucas (NO, not even the best director in America)
* Madonna (NO, and not just cuz of her new British accent)
* Malcolm X (MAYBE)
* Phil McGraw (NO, ummm... that's Dr. Phil)
* Marilyn Monroe (YES)
* Michael Moore (NO)
* Audie Murphy (YES)
* Richard M. Nixon (MAYBE, he did a lot of good stuff besides Watergate)
* Barack Obama (NO, way too soon, c'mon!)
* Jesse Owens (YES)
* George S. Patton (YES)
* Colin Powell (NO, though ten years ago I may have said maybe)
* Christopher Reeve (NOPE)
* Condoleezza Rice (ugh, NO!)
* Jackie Robinson (YES)
* Theodore Roosevelt (YES!)
* Babe Ruth (good lord YES)
* Carl Sagan (YES)
* Jonas Salk (oh hell YES)
* Arnold Schwarzenegger (um... NO... he's from Austria)
* Frank Sinatra (YES)
* Joseph Smith, Jr. (MAYBE, depending on how you feel about Mormon)
* Steven Spielberg (YES)
* James Stewart (YES)
* Martha Stewart (NO)
* Nikola Tesla (YES)
* Pat Tillman (NO, sorry)
* Harry Truman (YES)
* Donald Trump (NO)
* Harriet Tubman (YES)
* Mark Twain (YES)
* Sam Walton (MAYBE, only if for his business cunning)
* John Wayne (YES)
* Tiger Woods (NO)
* Chuck Yeager (YES)
Now after that, can you see how there may have been some questionable choices? Okay, now to the top 25. Remember, this list compiles what are the twenty-five greates people to have ever been a citizen of the United States. Does that concept hurt your brain a little? Cuz it does mine. We are talking about 230 years of presidents, science, sports, art, literature, music, film, war, business, entertainment, exploration, civil rights, you name it. Just keep that in mind on this list, ok?
The Top 25
25. Neil Armstrong. Okay, YES. He was the first human being to land on the moon, not only striking a blow for American pride, but also science. He is an icon of American ingenuity and excellence. Good choice. (ICON)
24. Henry Ford. Again, YES. He was a controversial figure. From "welfare capitalism" to Union-busting to mass-production to possible anti-semitism, there is no denying that the man is an icon of the auto industry, and therefore an icon of industrialization and modernization. (REVOLUTIONARY)
23. The Wright Brothers. YES. Wow, three-for-three so far, America! Orville and Wilbur Wright (counted as one person here) were not only the first to fly, but the first to fly repeatedly. They were the first to consistently get an aircraft to fly (not just glide) under its own power. National travel would not be the same without them. Or maybe it would have, just not as soon. (INVENTORS)
22. Rosa Parks. YES. Her refusal to give up her seat on a bus started a boycott that galvanized the country into taking one more step toward integration and equality. Can't really say much more than that. (ICON)
21. Muhammed Ali. YES. Perhaps the greatest athletic presence of all time, he was dominant in his sport, and outspoken outside of it. He was a larger-than-life presence and an icon of American sports. (ICON)
20. Lance Armstrong (Named America's "Greatest Athlete"). A-ha. Now the first chink in the armor. Say what you want about Lance Armstrong, but is he really one of the greatest Americans of all time? Are you going by his beating cancer? That's great but a lot of people have beaten cancer. Are you going by his dominance in the sport over several years? Where is Bill Russell or Michael Jordan or Jim Brown or Babe Ruth? Are you really telling me that over 100-plus years of athletics, Armstrong is the greatest? Sorry, I say NO.
19. Eleanor Roosevelt (Named "America's Greatest First Lady"). This one is a toughie for me. I admire her a lot, but who knows how famous she would have been had she not been the First Lady. And let's not forget, the First Lady is just someone who is married to the Prez. But she re-defined the role of First Lady, taking an active role in politics and not just being a trophy. Plus, she actually helped FDR get elected due to her connection with black communities across the country, garnering millions of votes. I'll say MAYBE (but leaning toward yes). (REVOLUTIONARY)
18. Bill Gates. YES. Criticize his business practices if you must, but you have to admire the guy's ingenuity and entreprenurial spirit. Plus, even though he was once worth over $100,000,000,000 (that's one hundred billion), he has given more than half of it away to charitable organizations. Not to mention that he helped usher in the new computer era, which has brought not only the country, but the world, a more effective means of communication. Wow, this list ain't as bad as I thought.
17. Bob Hope. NO. Okay, I'm sorry. Just because Bob Hope remained visible for six decades does not mean he was excellent for that long. (Forget that he was born in England.) Let's face it, he hasn't actually been funny since about 1968. He is to be praised for his longevity, but for advancing the comedy artform, give me Johnny Carson, Ernie Kovacs, Groucho Marx or Jack Benny any day. Sorry Bob.
16. John F. Kennedy. This one is a tough one for me, believe it or not. But I am going to say YES, and not because JFK was such a great president (he didn't really have the chance to become a great one) but because his death represents the death of American innocence. His life (and that of his family) plays out like an American tragic novel. All-American guy from large Irish-Catholic family, becomes president, is gunned down in his prime. By all accounts he was a great leader of men, though he had his missteps like the Bay of Pigs. He basically skated on charisma, from what I know, though he was not a weak man in any way. He makes my list as an icon, not necessarily as a president.
15. Thomas Alva Edison. YES. The Wizard of Menlo Park is one of the greatest and most prolific inventors in human history. Though he didn't invent many of the items he is credited for, he often improved those inventions. He had over 1500 patents. He is a symbol of intelligence and ingenuity. (SCIENTIST/INVENTOR)
14. Albert Einstein. (Named "Greatest American Scientist" and "Greatest Jewish American". Double-threat!). YES. Forget that he was born in Deutchland (that's Germany to you and me), this man's name is literally synonymous with "genius." (Or "idiot" if you are being sarcastic.) In fact, this guy should be way higher than 14th. He was voted the 10th most influential person in human history in one poll. Time Magazine named him "Person of the Century." He is considered one of the elite intellects of our or any other time. He should be like top 3. (SCIENTIST/INVENTOR)
13. Walt Disney. I would have to say MAYBE. I wouldn't put the guy who revolutionized quantum physics slightly below the guy who invented Goofy. Yes, he has become an icon in his own right, but in a way, hasn't his name become synonymous with everything that is wrong with America? Watered-down entertainment product? Evil corporate empire? Walt Disney is far more influential as a corporation than it was as a man. If you are going to go for entertainers, wouldn't you go for W.C. Fields or P.T. Barnum for more authentic American showmanship? He started an iconic corporate identity, but Walt himself? Iffy.
12. Thomas Jefferson. YES. Oh my YES. Not only is he an iconic president, overseeing the Louisiana Purchase and the Lewis and Clark expeditions, but he is one of the great philosophical thinkers of our time. Though he was a man of contradictions (an equalist who owned slaves), he is considered by many to be the greatest mind to ever occupy the White House. If it weren't for Jefferson and the rest of the founding fathers, who created an impenetrable set of rules for America to go by, who knows if this great experiment would have lasted. (LEADER)
11. Billy Graham. NO, certainly not top-fifteen. I admire him as a person, and he has had a long career of spreading gospel (however you might feel about that) but he hasn't had that one moment, that one iconic event to set him apart from other evangelists (though he appears to be refreshingly squeaky clean). I would say he is perhaps top-100, but #11 is pushing it.
10. Franklin D. Roosevelt. YES. For my money this man is the greatest president in the history of the United States. The sheer volume of things he accomplished (getting us out of the depression, through World War II, social programs, rural development) is staggering. The New Deal alone was revolutionary. Unemployment shrunk a little every year of his presidency, and the United States's Gross Domestic Product soared. And no, this was not cyclical; this was in direct response to many of FDR's programs. One of the great men of the 20th Century. (LEADER)
9. Oprah Winfrey (Named "Greatest Woman in American history"). Who is a greater American than the man who defeated the Nazis? A daytime TV talk show host of course! The fact that Oprah cracks the top 1000, let alone TOP 10 GREATEST AMERICANS OF ALL TIME (ARRRRGGGHHH MY BRAIN) is a testament to a woman who can market herself, even though she has little discernible talent. Seriously, what does this woman do? She has guests. Umm... she has a magazine with her own alien-like mug on the cover every issue. She tells people to read books (that she herself has not written, mind you). If this selection doesn't insult you a little, I have to seriously question your patriotism. Here's hoping Ricki Lake or Sally Jesse Raphael is on next century's list! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
8. Elvis Presley (Named "America's Greatest Entertainer"). YES. I am not a fan of Elvis's music. I personally would take John Lee Hooker or Furry Lewis any day, but as an icon and a tragic figure, he is nearly unparalleled in modern entertainment. He is an example of the legend exceeding the product, especially in his later, Vegas years. In a way he stole black music, and made it popular though it wasn't authentic. But his status as a legend is indisputible. (ICON)
7. Bill Clinton. NO. I like Bill Clinton and think he was an above-average president. #7 American ever? I don't think so. I'll move on from here.
6. George W. Bush (Named "Greatest Living American"). NO. The fact that there are people out there who actually belive this not only makes me sad, it makes me angry. This list just lost all credibility for me. I'm not sure I even want to go on. Where is Herbert Hoover or James Buchanan or Warren G. F**king Harding? Future generations will look upon this listing and laugh. Maybe we will be known as.... "The Dumbf**k Generation" over this.
5. Benjamin Franklin (14.9% of votes for Greatest American). YES. He wasn't a president, but he was one of the true renaissance men of early America. He was an inventor and a scholar, a writer, a philosopher, a newspaper printer and editor; he was the first true "polymath" of the United States. A no-brainer (irony not intended). (SCIENTIST/INVENTOR/ICON)
4. George Washington (17.7% of votes for Greatest American). YES. One of the most humble, yet virtuous and capable men in the history of our country, George Washington was basically coronated (he won the electoral college unanimously to become president), but he parlayed his status as a war hero not to be a dictator, but a benevolent ruler, setting the bar for all those who came after him (whether they adhered to it or not). He is clearly one of the three greatest presidents we've ever had. He is the very essence of American liberty. (LEADER)
3. Martin Luther King, Jr. (19.7% of votes for Greatest American, Named "Greatest African American"). YES. The Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. is THE African American of note in this country. No black American has had more impact or influence on the course of race relations and civil rights in this country. He promoted non-violence, but absolute racial equality. His assassination made him a martyr, but his legacy has lived on long after him. (ICON)
2. Abraham Lincoln (23.5% of votes for Greatest American). YES. Abraham Lincoln is one of the most virtuous men to ever lead this country. He helped not only end slavery, but to keep the nation together when it was crumbling. The Civil War was something he didn't want, but when it happened, he committed to it. Perhaps no president was more polarizing at his time, which is why he was so hated and then assassinated. I couldn't possibly do his presidency justice, other than to say that he is one of our three greatest presidents. (LEADER)
1. Ronald Reagan (24.0% of votes for Greatest American, Named "Greatest American"). YES. There is no way I consider Ronald Reagan to be the greatest American that ever lived, nor do I consider him to be our best president. Maybe not even top 10. But as an icon of American prosperity and the end of the Cold War, he stands alone. There were a lot of problems with his presidency that I believed were glossed over after his death, but he does remain an indelible icon of 1980s America, which is why I would include him, but not that high, and not as a president. (ICON)
Epilogue:
Okay, so maybe I didn't savage the top 25 as much as I thought, but I thought many of the choices (Armstrong? Oprah?? W???) are terrible, terrible choices. And there were even more questionable and/or flat out godawful choices in the top 75. Feel free to list your agreements/dissent in the comments section.
(And please, make it educated and not some stupid partisan, ad hominem attack, thanks in advance.)
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
The Whole Damn Shannon Fam-Damnly
I got these pictures put onto a disc so I might as well do something with them...
My Old Man, Bob, being lazy. Probably watching some terrible detective movie.
My Moms, Nora, looking mad for some reason. Kate did it!
My Aunt Peggy. Sister Margaret to some. [Eye roll] Laughing at one of my many hilarious jokes.
Me, furious that the Bills abandoned the "46" Defense for the less-agressive "Tampa 2."
Mi hermano, Mike. I don't know why I know that word. I took six years of French! Enjoying his delicious beverage.
My little sisters, Eileen (left) and Kate. Clearly thrilled at being photographed and not at all hung over.
My Old Man, Bob, being lazy. Probably watching some terrible detective movie.
My Moms, Nora, looking mad for some reason. Kate did it!
My Aunt Peggy. Sister Margaret to some. [Eye roll] Laughing at one of my many hilarious jokes.
Me, furious that the Bills abandoned the "46" Defense for the less-agressive "Tampa 2."
Mi hermano, Mike. I don't know why I know that word. I took six years of French! Enjoying his delicious beverage.
My little sisters, Eileen (left) and Kate. Clearly thrilled at being photographed and not at all hung over.
Monday, July 17, 2006
Mastur-Gate: Carl Monday vs. Mike Cooper
Deadspin is my new favorite website. They brought the phrase "You're with me, Leather" to the forefront (a phrase, by the way, which I believe will replace "I'm Not Gonna Pay a Lot For this Muffler" as America's most uttered sentence), mocks Stuart Scott mercilessly and have awesome clips of people doing weird things on old Nintendo systems. It's a great site, and you should check it at least three times a day.
One of the gems they have been following is that of the case of Carl Monday and Mike Cooper. Carl Monday is Cleveland's Investigative reporter, and as he was doing a story about sexual deviants hanging around libraries, he ran into a poor, unfortunate soul named Mike Cooper.
Turns out Cooper is a Cleveland-area masturbator who likes to pull it out in public places, such as the library. And when Carl Monday's hidden cameras caught the young man in the act, they had to confront him. And it's pretty intense. (The video is below. The original Deadspin post is here.)
So anyway, turns out Cooper got arrested. So our intrepid Carl Monday went to the hearing. What followed was another explosion from Cooper (who apparently took his crank out of his hand for long enough to try and shove Monday and swear at a cameraman). And his dad cold flipped out before a valiant cop came to the rescue to diffuse the situation. You can see the aftermath here. (Update: here is the YouTube link.)
Here is my ultimate question, and try to follow me here: I have masturbated in a lot of public places. And I mean a lot. Libraries? Oh sure, makes sense. There are computers and lots of tissues at the librarians' stations. But I'm talking public parks, hockey games, press conferences, the Thruway, while mowing the lawn. Any time there is a free second to be had, I'm gonna pull it out and just go to town. But I have never actually been caught! Or if I have been caught the Peeping Tom who busted me has never had the gall to bring it up.
But if I were like Cooper, and not only caught spanking it in public, but caught on camera (and by the way, he had been kicked out of libraries before for pleasuring himself previously), I would be keeping a low profile instead of starting even more drama by throwing reporters' microphones and swearing and yelling. If you get nailed doing a Pee-Wee Herman, just keep your head down, your mouth shut, and do your perp walk to your mini-van for that long, awkward ride home with mom and dad. At first I felt kinda bad for the poor guy, but now it's clear he deserves it.
One of the gems they have been following is that of the case of Carl Monday and Mike Cooper. Carl Monday is Cleveland's Investigative reporter, and as he was doing a story about sexual deviants hanging around libraries, he ran into a poor, unfortunate soul named Mike Cooper.
Turns out Cooper is a Cleveland-area masturbator who likes to pull it out in public places, such as the library. And when Carl Monday's hidden cameras caught the young man in the act, they had to confront him. And it's pretty intense. (The video is below. The original Deadspin post is here.)
So anyway, turns out Cooper got arrested. So our intrepid Carl Monday went to the hearing. What followed was another explosion from Cooper (who apparently took his crank out of his hand for long enough to try and shove Monday and swear at a cameraman). And his dad cold flipped out before a valiant cop came to the rescue to diffuse the situation. You can see the aftermath here. (Update: here is the YouTube link.)
Here is my ultimate question, and try to follow me here: I have masturbated in a lot of public places. And I mean a lot. Libraries? Oh sure, makes sense. There are computers and lots of tissues at the librarians' stations. But I'm talking public parks, hockey games, press conferences, the Thruway, while mowing the lawn. Any time there is a free second to be had, I'm gonna pull it out and just go to town. But I have never actually been caught! Or if I have been caught the Peeping Tom who busted me has never had the gall to bring it up.
But if I were like Cooper, and not only caught spanking it in public, but caught on camera (and by the way, he had been kicked out of libraries before for pleasuring himself previously), I would be keeping a low profile instead of starting even more drama by throwing reporters' microphones and swearing and yelling. If you get nailed doing a Pee-Wee Herman, just keep your head down, your mouth shut, and do your perp walk to your mini-van for that long, awkward ride home with mom and dad. At first I felt kinda bad for the poor guy, but now it's clear he deserves it.
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