Jenny McCarthy is Not Funny

Ok so listen. I have always found Jenny McCarthy to be totally smokin' hot. I've thought so ever since she was on that MTV "Singled Out" show where she basically was there to look good and say semi-amusing things.

You will not see any of the N.O.C.W.I.T. staff questioning Jenny's hotness. In fact, when I was a sophomore at Le Moyne College in Syracuse, New York, I had a poster of Jenny on the wall at the foot of my bed. (This was when she was still just the girl from "Singled Out" and before she had become a true celebrity.) Though she was clothed in the poster, that was but a minor detail. I enjoyed the poster very much; I will leave it at that.


But something really disturbing happened along the way. At some point, Jenny started to believe that her role on television should be more than just sprouting cleavage and smiling and looking brutally boner- worthy. She actually thought that she was funny. Now, I can see why this might happen. It must happen to a lot of really hot girls. They tell a joke and a guy laughs a little too hard. Or the girl says something that would be run-of-the-mill in terms of wittiness in any other context, and a smitten young fellow might guffaw loudly and possibly say something like "Wow, you are FUNNY!" as if there is mutual exclusivity between hotness and a sense of humor. (I mean, look at this piece of ass for proof to the contrary.)

The problem is that Jenny is really not funny at all. I mean, if she were a friend of mine, I might think to myself, Well I guess, she's kinda funny. She told an amusing joke the other day. But she is not funny enough to be turned into some kind of nouveau Lucille Ball, which I'm pretty sure is how she fancies herself. The point is, if she wasn't pretty and didn't have enormous gazongas, she would be selling real estate somewhere. And there is nothing wrong with that, but how has a woman of such limited personality parlayed a pair of big ta-ta's into an acting career?

Check it out. She had a sitcom (1997's Jenny on NBC which lasted like 12 episodes. It was not quite passable as a showcase for the comic genius of Ms. McCarthy. In fact the only cool thing about it was that it took place in Utica (aka Boo-ya-ka), New York. That part is kinda awesome.

Then she had a comedy/variety/sketch show called "The Jenny McCarthy Show", which is kind of ridiculous that a group of very talented writers and comic actors (many of which went on to be on Mr. Show with Bob and David, one of my favorite shows of all time) were playing second-fiddle to this blonde dipshit who was clearly out of her league, comically.

She went on to guest star on various comedy programs and movies as the hot girl with a supposed "wacky side." But nowhere along the line did anyone have the heart to tell Ms. McCarthy that she is not funny. Instead, we have a litany of subpar performances where Jenny makes her patented "wacky face" (which often consists of her either bugging-out or crossing her eyes and making a weird mouth-shape) and talking about how much she loves to fart and poop and throw up. Ya know, to show she's not just a glamour girl. She's one of the guys! It's like she's saying, Yeah, I just happen to be hot by coincidence; guys like me cuz I'm hilarious! Okay Jen, okay...

She wrote some books too, which, if the excerpts are any indication, are side-splittingly mediocre.

Meanwhile, as "funny" as she is, if she looked like Rosie O'Donnell she could kiss 90% of her acting gigs bye-bye.

But there is hope. There are three possible ways that Jenny will drop off the face of the comedy earth and into oblivion (at least when it comes to speaking and/or overemoting).

#1: Dirty Love, the movie she wrote and that her then-husband directed in 2005. Forget the fact that the film grossed a dismal $58,116, as monetary rewards mean very little. I am more interested in the fact that she herself won three Golden Razzbery Awards, a.k.a. The Razzies, which give awards for the worst movies each year. (To give an idea of the movie, there is a scene where Jenny bathes in her own menstrual blood. Hilarious!) She won Worst Actress, Worst Screenplay (oh yeah, Jenny wrote the movie, did I mention that?) and Worst Picture of 2005. To me, this would be proof that perhaps comedy was not the avenue I was meant to traverse down.

#2: Jim Carrey. Supposedly Jenny is dating him. I can only hope that during their tryst, she realizes that Jim is actually a funny person, not just a person who says they are funny over and over so people will start to think it's true (which Jenny has done in countless interviews). Maybe by being exposed to the Maestro -- and I truly do think Jim Carrey is a gifted and unique comic performer -- she will realize that she is way out of her league on the whole comedy thing, and will give up the dream for good. Look, far be it from me to step on someone's career plans, but I think every person I know is funnier than Jenny McCarthy and some just aren't funny at all.

#3: The inexorable passage of time. Look, Jenny is still very young and she still looks great. But she isn't going to be a supermodel forever. Many years down the road, things will begin to sag and she will no longer be the fresh face on the scene. When this happens, I have a feeling more people will have the cojones to tell her that, No, you really aren't that funny. Just because you talk about pee-pee does not make you a hilarious comedienne. I hope it doesn't hurt her feelings, but someone has to tell her.

In a way I feel bad, because Jenny was probably just funny enough to make a person or two laugh, but it was the fact that she was juuuuust good-looking enough to be in Playboy that gave her any kind of exposure at all. It reminds me of someone who becomes a celebrity for acting, then puts out a pop album (coughLindsayLohancough). Why do you think one would translate to the other? For you, Ms. McCarthy, the next time you make me laugh will be the first.