No one cares what I think

Monday, January 11, 2010

First Post of the 2010s!

It's been a while since I blogged, so I thought I'd weigh in on three things that are really annoying me right now. I have OPINIONS!

1) Yes, I admit that the Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien hasn't been very good, and most of that has to do with Conan's (excuse the cliche) losing his edge. The day Conesy lost me was when he had Paris Hilton doing a Bob Hope-style walk-on, complete with golf club. It wasn't spontaneous, her jokes were not particularly funny, and worst of all, it let Paris Hilton in the club.

The thing that was great about Conan's old show is the way that it allowed all the nerds in. Those of us who were never the "cool kids" were able to relate to a guy like Conan -- although his self-deprecation is often too belabored. People like Paris Hilton were the target ... they shouldn't be allowed in the clubhouse. When Conan legitimized this talentless tart, I realized that he wasn't one of "us" anymore, he was one of "them."

Now, I do give him a little slack. It's not like I hate Conan, or think he's a true sell-out. But I was no-longer compelled to watch his show, because he wasn't getting the laughs. But I had expected Conan to find his groove ... eventually. After about a year or so, he probably would have found his new voice -- a la David Letterman, who holy shit will have been on the air twenty years in 2013.

But it looks like Conan won't get his chance, because for some reason, NBC seems to think that Jay Leno is the answer. Jay Leno, who milked Bill Clinton and OJ Simpson jokes for well over a decade, but somehow inexplicably trounced Letterman in tv ratings. (Well, actually, it's very explicable... Americans are fucking idiots.) So now, as if he was some sort of automatic ratings machine, NBC is going to move him back to 11:35, and then Conan to 12:05. Keep in mind, Leno has been ON TV FOR THE LAST SEVERAL MONTHS. Maybe people got tired of Leno, and you have to give them just a tad bit more credit than to think they would have forgotten he existed just because he was on at 10pm.

So after the Olympics are over, Leno is going to be on again AFTER the local news instead of before. And my hope -- as well as my prediction -- is that the public realized from the 10pm experiment that Leno is old and stale, and just not that damn funny, and that Conan bolts for another network and can do his own thing again without having to live up to the "Tonight Show" brand. Because at this point, who gives a shit.

2) The "Rooney Rule" is the rule in the NFL that all teams must interview minority candidates before they can make a hire. The idea is very noble: to get exposure for more minority candidates so that they will have more chances at jobs. It is affirmative action, yes, but it's also been proven to be very effective. (The Steelers, to their credit, put their money where their mouths are, as they hired Mike Tomlin, a black coach who led them to a Super Bowl championship last season.)

But this past week a pair of Washington teams -- the Redskins and Seahawks (see what I did there, football fans?) -- hired high-profile coaches without following the spirit of the Rooney Rule. The Skins did a cursory interview with their assistant coach Jerry Gray, and the Seahawks did a sham interview with Vikings defensive coordinator Leslie Frazier. Both teams knew they were going to hire established coaches, which makes the interviews of the minority candidates seem especially hollow, and condescending.

But you can't really blame the teams for hiring who they did -- two of the most well-known football coaches of the last fifteen years. Back in 2003, the Detroit Lions fired their coach because recently-deposted 49ers Steve Mariucci became available, and they knew they wanted him. The Lions got fined because they didn't interview a minority candidate. (The Cowboys, incidentally, did not, even though their sham interview consisted of a phone call with Dennis Green.)

But think about it, why force these teams to interview a minority when they know with 100% certainty that there is no chance that any of the minority candidates have a chance... not because they aren't qualified, but because the teams had pre-existing coaches in mind. But you can't just throw the Rooney Rule out, can you??? There's got to BE a better way!

I have the solution, and I'm not the first to come up with it, but I'll tell you about it. The Rooney Rule should be this: if you only interview ONE candidate (eg. Pete Carroll, Mike Shanahan), you don't have to do a phony interview with a minority candidate. This would allow these teams to expedite their hirings and stop with the phony bullshit.

If your team does MORE than one interview, however, that team has to interview at least as many minority candidates as they do white candidates. This, you might think, is also a sham, but it shouldn't be. A wider net cast would mean that teams would open up their searches anyway, so the more exposure the better for all. If they just implement this in the Rooney Rule, all will be well.

3) Mark McGwire is a selfish asshole and I hope he never gets into the Baseball Hall of Fame. I have never liked him, because of what an arrogant cock he was in 1998 when he broke the then-home run record and went on Letterman talking about what a service that he and Sammy Sosa did for the country. Not for the NL Central, not for Major League Baseball. For the COUNTRY. He can shit in his hat.

It's interesting that when he didn't get immunity in the 2004 baseball steroid hearings, he decided to pull his "I'm not here to talk about the past." And then he remained silent about the matter for over five years.

But today, he decided that he wanted to fess up about it. Why? Because his conscience was weighing on him? Because the truth needed to be told? Because he wanted to tell kids not to do it? No, of course not. It's because he wanted another job in baseball, and this was the only way that anyone was going to let him do it. If he wanted to take credit for saving the nation 11.5 years ago, he can take the heat for being a sack of shit.

4) I read a Facebook group called "I Shouldn't Have to Press '1' so Speak English!" Of course, this is blatant anti-immigration racism in the guise of pro-America populism. It's horseshit. If you don't like brown people, just admit it. Stop acting like somehow you are a more legitimate American just because you speak English. Remember, America has NO official language, and that's the way the Founding Fathers wanted it.

Of course, when you go onto the site to read the comments, there is a lot of "go home to your country" and "learn to speak English!" and other such nonsense. But do you know what's so ironic? Spanish speakers are not ruining the language in this country: English speakers are.

If you've ever listened to a NASCAR-loving hillbilly speak, you can tell that they don't have what we might call a "command" of the English language. Not only do they mix their metaphors, but they usually leave the "g" of gerunds, such as "learning," "talking" and "eating." They use phrases like "that dog don't hunt," and "git er done!" but somehow get upset about Ebonics. (Also, they are under the borderline retarded notion that Ebonics was something proposed to be TAUGHT in schools to students. It wasn't: it was meant to be taught to TEACHERS so that they could more effectively communicate with their students.)

Also, can we agree that even common language is dying? And it has nothing to do with people from other countries trying to usurp our linguistic dominance. It has everything to do with lazy Americans (blacks AND whites both) who don't feel like learning the correct ways to say things, instead relying either on what "feels" right, or what they thought they heard once.

The best example of this is "irregardless." I'm sure that a bunch of these shit-kicking hicks have used this combination of letters. But the truth is, there is no such word. It came about by some numbskull combining "regardless" and "irrespective." Before "Bennifer" and "Brangelina," there was "irregardless."

But do you want to know the infuriating part? Some dictionaries actually recognize "irregardless" as an actual word. Basically, the least educated of our society has somehow come to dictate language, and infiltrate the intelligent, correct-spelling world with their stupidity. If these "I hate pressing '1' to speak Inglish" people had any integrity at all -- or any LEGITIMATE respect for the English language, as opposed to using it as some kind of patriotic wedge issue -- they would be storming the offices of Webster's and demanding that such heresy be stricken from the books, to PRESERVE OUR LANGUAGE!

But no, these cro-magnon faggots will flip over their Bill Engvall cassettes and LOL whenever he says "Heerrrrrrrrrre's yer sign!"

Ahhhh... I feel so much better now. Happy New Year!

Monday, December 28, 2009

Best of the 2000s: Best Movies

The 72 MOVIES I LOVED IN THE 2000s

The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King - 2003 - Peter Jackson
The Departed - 2006 - Martin Scorsese
Borat - 2006 - Larry Charles
The Prestige - 2006 - Christopher Nolan
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring - 2001 - Peter Jackson
Sideways - 2005 - Alexander Payne
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers - 2002 - Peter Jackson
School of Rock - 2003 - Richard Linklater
Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World - 2003 - Peter Weir
Amélie - 2001 - Jean-Pierre Jeunet
Lost in Translation - 2003 - Sofia Coppola
300 - 2007 - Zack Snyder
Donnie Darko - 2002 - Richard Kelly
Adaptation - 2003 - Spike Jonze
X2: X-Men United - 2003 - Bryan Singer
Good Night, and Good Luck. - 2005 - George Clooney
X-Men - 2000 - Bryan Singer
Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang - 2005 - Shane Black
Inglourious Basterds - 2009 - Quentin Tarantino
Mulholland Dr. - 2001 - David Lynch
The Fountain - 2006 - Darren Aronofsky
Zombieland - 2009 - Ruben Fleischer
Brokeback Mountain - 2005 - Ang Lee
Spirited Away - 2001 - Hayao Miyazaki
Minority Report - 2002 - Steven Spielberg
Milk - 2008 - Gus Van Sant
The Dark Knight - 2008 - Christopher Nolan
Ocean's Eleven - 2001 - Steven Soderbergh
The 40-Year-Old Virgin - 2005 - Judd Apatow
In The Loop - 2009 - Armando Iannucci
Imaginary Heroes - 2005 - Dan Harris
Narc - 2003 - Joe Carnahan
The Wrestler - 2008 - Darren Aronofsky
Step Brothers - 2008 - Adam McKay
Memento - 2001 - Christopher Nolan
Robots - 2005 - Chris Wedge
High Fidelity - 2000 - Stephen Frears
The Queen - 2006 - Stephen Frears
Serenity - 2005 - Joss Whedon
The King of Kong: A Fistful of Quarters - 2008 - Seth Gordon
Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy - 2004 - Adam McKay
In the Bedroom - 2002 - Todd Field
About a Boy - 2002 - Chris Weitz
Hedwig and The Angry Inch - 2001 - John Cameron Mitchell
Wet Hot American Summer - 2002 - David Wain
United 93 - 2006 - Paul Greengrass
Blue Car - 2003 - Karen Moncrieff
Michael Clayton - 2007 - Tony Gilroy
The Salton Sea - 2002 - D.J. Caruso
Seabiscuit - 2003 - Gary Ross
Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story - 2004 - Rawson Marshall Thurber
Blades of Glory - 2007 - Josh Gordon
The Fog of War - 2004 - Errol Morris
Dear Zachary - 2008 - Kurt Kuenne
There Will Be Blood - 2008 - Paul Thomas Anderson
Thumbsucker - 2005 - Mike Mills
Storytelling - 2001 Todd Solondz
Ghost World - 2001 - Terry Zwigoff
Shattered Glass - 2003 - Billy Ray
Layer Cake - 2004 - Matthew Vaughn
Drowning Mona - 2000 - Nick Gomez
Bloody Sunday - 2002 - Paul Greengrass
In America - 2003 - Jim Sheridan
Spellbound - 2003 - Jeffrey Blitz
The Woodsman - 2005 - Nicole Kassell
Iron Man - 2008 - Jon Favreau
Return to Me - 2000 - Bonnie Hunt
10 Items or Less - 2006 - Brad Silberling
In Bruges - 2008 - Martin McDonagh
Russian Ark - 2002 - Alexander Sokurov
Animal Factory - 2000 - Steve Buscemi
All the Real Girls - 2003 - David Gordon Green

...86 HONORABLE MENTIONS

Secretary - 2002 - Steven Shainberg
Personal Velocity: Three Portraits - 2002 - Rebecca Miller
The Safety of Objects - 2001 - Rose Troche
The Shape of Things - 2003 - Neil LaBute
Thirteen Conversations About One Thing - 2001 - Jill Sprecher
Pan's Labyrinth - 2006 - Guillermo del Toro
A Love Song For Bobby Long - 2005 - Shainee Gabel
North Country - 2005 - Niki Caro
Eastern Promises - 2007 - David Cronenberg
Waking Life - 2002 - Richard Linklater
Full Frontal - 2002 - Steven Soderbergh
The Secret Lives of Dentists - 2004 - Alan Rudolph
Lost in La Mancha - 2002 - Keith Fulton
We Don't Live Here Anymore - 2004 - John Curran
Fanboys - 2009 - Kyle Newman
Capturing the Friedmans - 2003 - Andrew Jarecki
The Darjeeling Limited - 2007 - Wes Anderson
I Heart Huckabees - 2004 - David O. Russell
Friends With Money - 2006 - Nicole Holofcener
You Can Count On Me - 2000 - Kenneth Lonergan
The History Boys - 2006 - Nicholas Hytner
Vera Drake - 2004 - Mike Leigh
Far from Heaven - 2002 - Todd Haynes
American Splendor - 2003 - Shari Springer Berman
Gone Baby Gone - 2007 - Ben Affleck
Confidence - 2003 - James Foley
SherryBaby - 2007 - Laurie Collyer
A Very Long Engagement - 2004 - Jean-Pierre Jeunet
Wonder Boys - 2000 - Curtis Hanson
Role Models - 2008 - David Wain
Possession - 2002 - Neil LaBute
Thirteen Days - 2000 - Roger Donaldson
The Shape of Things - 2003 - Neil LaBute
The Triplets of Belleville - 2003 - Sylvain Chomet
Friday Night Lights - 2004 - Peter Berg
In the Mood for Love - 2000 - Kar Wai Wong
Elephant - 2003 - Gus Van Sant
The Hours - 2003 - Stephen Daldry
Billy Elliot - 2000 - Stephen Daldry
Finding Nemo - 2003 Andrew Stanton
Frequency - 2000 - Gregory Hoblit
Thirteen - 2003 - Catherine Hardwicke
Old School - 2003 - Todd Phillips
This is England - 2007 - Shane Meadows
Stardust - 2007 - Matthew Vaughn
Cold Mountain - 2003 - Anthony Minghella
Rachel Getting Married - 2008 - Jonathan Demme
No Country for Old Men - 2007 - Ethan & Joel Coen
Y Tu Mamá También - 2001 - Alfonso Cuarón
Best in Show - 2001 - Christopher Guest
Monster - 2004 - Patty Jenkins
Punch-Drunk Love - 2002 - Paul Thomas Anderson
Requiem for a Dream - 2000 - Darren Aronofsky
Shaun of the Dead - 2004 - Edgar Wright
City of God - 2003 - Fernando Meirelles
Roger Dodger - 2003 - Dylan Kidd
Frost/Nixon - 2008 - Ron Howard
A History of Violence - 2005 - David Cronenberg
Wall-E - 2008 - Andrew Stanton
Meet The Parents - 2000 - Jay Roach
Chicago - 2003 - Rob Marshall
Kill Bill Vol. 1 - 2003 - Quentin Tarantino
Casino Royale - 2006 - Martin Campbell
Amores Perros - 2000 - Alejandro González Iñárritu
Gran Torino - 2009 - Clint Eastwood
8 Mile - 2002 - Curtis Hanson
About Schmidt - 2002 - Alexander Payne
Infernal Affairs - 2002 - Wai-keung Lau
Children of Men - 2007 - Alfonso Cuarón
Palindromes - 2005 - Todd Solondz
Talk to Her - 2002 - Pedro Almodóvar
The Aviator - 2004 - Martin Scorsese
Kill Bill Vol. 2 - 2004 - Quentin Tarantino
Batman Begins - 2005 - Christopher Nolan
Star Trek - 2009 - J.J. Abrams
The Squid and the Whale - 2006 - Noah Baumbach
Finding Neverland - 2004 - Marc Forster
Moulin Rouge - 2001 - Baz Luhrmann
The Royal Tenenbaums - 2001 - Wes Anderson
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button - 2008 - David Fincher
Million Dollar Baby - 2005 - Clint Eastwood
Cast Away - 2000 - Robert Zemeckis
Oldboy - 2003 - Chan-wook Park
Garden State - 2004 - Zach Braff
Zodiac - 2007 - David Fincher
Monsters, Inc. - 2001 - Pete Docter

AND MOVIES THAT WERE OVERRATED, DISAPPOINTING or JUST PLAIN TERRIBLE:

Overrated

Wanted
Scary Movie
Superbad
Almost Famous
Slumdog Millionaire
Ray
Walk the Line
Gladiator
The Passion of the Christ

Disappointing

Spider-Man (all three, but mostly "Spider-Man 2")
Taken
X-Men 3: The Last Stand
Meet the Fockers (also see under: Terrible)
Superman Returns
Ocean's Twelve
Babel
Fever Pitch
Unbreakable
Insomnia
The Ladykillers
Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist

Terrible

Gerry
The Wedding Date
American Dreamz
Meet the Fockers
1408
Cellular
Changing Lanes
America's Sweethearts

Jim Caldwell is a Gutless Coward

The only acceptable reasons that it would be okay for the Colts to tank yesterday's game against the Jets, bringing their record to 14-1 for the year.

They were trying to keep Denver or Pittsburgh out of the playoffs by giving the Jets an advantage. (The Jets now control their own playoff destiny.)
The Colts felt like the Jets were poised to beat them anyway, and they didn't want to tarnish their air of invincibility. (Unlikely, but possible.)
They wanted to honor Belichick's legacy.
Better draft pick position.
They think "Killer Instinct" is a Sharon Stone movie.
Mercury Morris is holding Reggie Wayne's mother hostage.
They knew they had no chance against Buffalo next Sunday anyway, so why prolong the inevitable?
So many teams go 19-0, it's not even a big deal anymore.
Fell for the Jets' old "you pull your starters, we'll pull ours" trick.
Painter is actually a better QB than Peyton and gives them their best chance to win.
Jim Caldwell inherited the great team that Tony Dungy left for him and actually has no clue how to coach a football team or how 19-0 puts you on the short list for greatest team of all time.

Whatever the reason, I will be rooting against the Colts and shooing away their bad karma for the entire postseason. (Unless they are playing Pittsburgh, Dallas or New England, of course.)

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Best of the 2000s: Twenty-Five Best Albums

Sure, we have about six weeks left, but I have decided that I am going to post my top 25 Albums of the Decade.

This decade really changed my music listening habits, and not just because of the invention of the iPod (although that had an incredible effect too). The fact that so much music was available online for download and for listening meant that I didn't have to rummage through some indie record store where some asshole with bad hair looked down on me because I wasn't buying the new "hip" album. I didn't have to take as my chances on my purchases, because for the most part, you could listen to part of every song on any album you wanted to. And if I heard something online or saw some great new artist on Conan, I didn't have to wait till the next day to pick up the album. I know this all sounds rudimentary, but the sheer availability of music made me so much more knowledgeable and made this decade a lot richer for me.

Also, the fact that there are SO MANY SOURCES online which to read about music has pointed me in some really great directions. Pandora, Last.fm, Stereogum, Pitchfork, AllMusic.com, RateYourMusic.com... These have all been great resources for me to find stuff I never would have heard of or known of otherwise.

The last is satellite radio. There is no better way to serendipitously come across great new bands than on Satellite. Go to one of the niche stations and just listen for a few hours, and you will find yourself hearing things you would never hear on regular, terrestrial radio. I really hope that the fledgling format finds an audience because it is now an indispensible part of my life.

I don't think the 2000s (are we calling them "the Aughts" now?) have been THE best decade of music, but they have been one of the most diverse. And although I think pop music hit its nadir some time around 2005, hard-to-find music has flourished and become richer than ever. So here we go ... the soundtrack to my life for the last ten years.

I had considered breaking them up into pop/rock music and hip hop music, but let's face it: the decade has been sort of thin on both, and so I just picked my tops from both and I'm putting them together. Still, I stand by this list as being 100% great. I also considered ranking them but then I just got too lazy.

I will start by saying that my top three albums from 2000-2009 are, in alphabetical order by artist:

Iron & Wine - The Creek Drank the Cradle
Shearwater - Palo Santo (Expanded Edition)
The Shins - Chutes Too Narrow

Don't ask me to pick my favorite because my mom always said that she couldn't pick her favorite kid, even though she's lying it's clearly me.

I will also give you 40 or so very excellent albums worthy of honorable mention:

AESOP ROCK - Labor Days (2002), Bazooka Tooth (2004), None Shall Pass (2007) - Indie hip hop
ARIZONA - Welcome Back Dear Children (2006), Fameseeker and the Mono (2007) - Indie pop
BABBLETRON - Mechanical Royalty (2003) - Indie hip hop
BLACKALICIOUS - Blazing Arrow (2002) - Indie hip hop
BLACK MILK - Tronic (2008) - Hip hop
BLITZEN TRAPPER - Furr - (2008) - Indie rock
BLOCKHEAD - Downtown Science - (2005) - Hip hop instrumentals
BLUEPRINT - 1988 - (2005) - Indie hip hop
BROTHER ALI - The Undisputed Truth - (2007) - Indie hip hop
CANDY BUTCHERS - Making Up Time - (2006) - Piano pop
CARIBOU - The Milk of Human Kindness - (2005) Electro-pop
ROB CROW - Living Well - (2007) - Indie rock / math rock
CUT CHEMIST - The Audience's Listening - (2006) - Hip hop instrumentals
DANGER MOUSE - The Grey Album - (2004) - Hip hop
EDAN - Beauty and the Beat - (2005) - Underground hip hop
EL-P - I'll Sleep When You're Dead - (2007) - Indie hip hop
EMILY HAINES - Knives Don't Have Your Back - (2006) - Chamber/piano rock
FEIST - Let It Die - (2004) - Indie pop
THE FLAMING LIPS - Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots - (2002) - Experimental rock
DJ FORMAT - If you Can't Join 'Em ... Beat 'Em - (2005) - Indie hip hop / nerdcore
GHOSTFACE KILLAH - More Fish - (2007) - East Coast hip hop
ILLOGIC - Celestial Clockwork - (2004) - Underground hip hop
JOY ZIPPER - American Whip - (2004) - Dreampop / Indie pop
MF DOOM - MM..Food - (2004) - Indie hip hop
MGMT - Oracular Spectacular - (2008) - Indie/electro pop
MIDLAKE - The Trials of Van Occupanther - (2006) - Lo-fi / indie rock
MOTHER MOTHER - Touch Up - (2007) - Indie pop, experimental folk
PINBACK - Tour EP 2008 [Ascii E.P.] - (2008) - Indie/math rock
RADIOHEAD - Amnesiac - (2001) - Progressive rock
DJ RHETTMATIC - Exclusive Collection - (2004) - Underground hip hop
SOUL POSITION - Things Go Better with RJ and Al - (2006) - Indie hip hop
SPOON - Gimme Fiction - (2005) - Indie rock
SUN KIL MOON - April - (2008) - Indie folk
SUPER FURRY ANIMALS - Rings Around the World - (2001) - Neo-psychedelia
SWITCHES - Lay Down the Law - (2008) - Indie pop / retro pop
WOLFMOTHER - Wolfmother - (2006) - Hard rock
ZERO 7 - Simple Things (2001), When It Falls (2004) - Ambient techno

Now here is the full list of 25 (plus one EP), in alphabetical order by artist (click on the album cover for more information):

AESOP ROCK - Float

Independent Hip Hop, 2000

ARIZONA - Glowing Bird

Indie Rock, 2009

BECK - Sea Change

Folk pop, 2002

BON IVER - For Emma, Forever Ago

Indie folk, 2008

CANNIBAL OX - The Cold Vein

Underground hip hop, 2001

NIKKA COSTA - Everybody Got Their Something

Electro/dance pop, 2001

DM STITH - Heavy Ghost

Experimental rock, 2009

BEN FOLDS - Songs for Silverman

Piano pop, 2005

SAGE FRANCIS - Sick of Waiting Tables (Compilation)

Independent hip hop, "emo rap," 2004

GRIZZLY BEAR - Veckatimest

Art-rock, indie rock, 2009

IRON & WINE - The Creek Drank the Cradle

Lo-fi alternative folk, 2002

MADVILLAIN - Madvillainy

Underground hip hop, 2004

STEPHEN MALKMUS & THE JICKS - Pig Lib

Grungy indie rock, 2003

OH NO - Exodus Into Unheard Rhythms

Underground hip-hop, 2006

NERINA PALLOT - Fires

Adult contemporary pop, 2005

RJD2 - Deadringer

Independent hip hop instrumentals, 2002

ROGUE WAVE - Out of the Shadow

Indie rock, garage pop, 2004

THE ROSEWOOD THEIVES - From the Decker House EP

Indie rock, folk-pop, 2006

SHEARWATER - Palo Santo (Expanded Edition)

Chamber pop / power folk, 2006

SHEARWATER - Rook

Indie rock / power folk, 2008

THE SHINS - Chutes Too Narrow

Indie pop, 2003

SUFJAN STEVENS - Illinois

Indie pop / progressive folk, 2005

TOBACCO - Fucked Up Friends

Techno hip-hop electronica, 2008

WEEN - Quebec

Ironic art-pop, 2003

WILCO - Yankee Hotel Foxtrot

Alt-country/rock, 2002

If you want, you can also read about my Best Post-Golden Age Hip Hop albums.

So that's been my decade. If you are interested in sampling any of these artists, I would suggest signing up at Last.fm, because it's the most accessible, it can track the songs you listen to on your iPod automatically, and to my knowledge there is no limit on the number of listens you can have. You can pretty much type in the name of an artist (or any artist you like) and listen to a whole truckload of songs. And let me know if you agree, or if any of my choices stink.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

The Perils of Avid Living

Caring about things sucks. You might think that is a terrible thing to say, but it's true.

I heard a very interesting conversation the other day, where some people were talking about the fickle nature of sports fans. It seems that sports fandom is a nice microcosm of what I'm talking about.

Let's take my Bills. They are not good right now, nor have the really been that good this decade. (One winning season in the 2000s: 9-7 in 2004.) I am what you call a "diehard." I almost never miss a game on TV, and I will be loyal to that team until the day I do, or the day they leave Western New York, whichever comes first.

But there are other fans that we'll call "casual." They like the team during a week that they have just won, but in the losing weeks, these people are nowhere to be found. They even talk of being SO FRUSTRATED that they switch allegiances. Sometimes in the middle of the season! They will usually latch on to another team they sorta like (or just don't despise) since they have a better chance to win. We call these people "poseurs," "frontrunners" and "bandwagon-jumpers."

But I ask you this: who has the more pleasant life? The poor sap who is loyal year after year, only to have his heart broken? Or the faux-aficianado who can turn the game off at halftime and go to the movies? (Hint: not me.)

You can see this kind of dynamic rear its head in other walks of life too, such as politics. People who are politically aware and/or active have to be the most miserable collection of assholes in the world. (And yes, I do count myself among them.) Why? Because they are constantly putting up a fight. Politics today is not about solving problems, it's about skewering the other side and being "right." Both sides are guilty of it, and so am I.

People who don't give a crap about politics don't have this added frustration in their lives. If you don't care one way or the other about politics, then these Tea Party assholes probably don't bother you at all. And the quote-unquote Reverend Al Sharpton's race-baiting doesn't have any more effect on your psyche than your fantasy football league standings.

And such is the ironic curse of the engaged, passionate life. If you don't care about anything, it seems that you live a much more stress-free life, not unlike the post-hypnosis Peter Gibbons in Office Space. You can feel free to meander from interest to interest, not really caring if one doesn't meet your needs. You don't get mad when your favorite director makes a piece of shit movie, or that your favorite band sold out. If your team loses you find something else to do for the next game, or if your politician doesn't win, you go to the mall. Rather than trying a local microbrew, you pick up a 30-pack of Rolling Rock.

I'm definitely not crapping on these people: they seem to be doing it the right way. It is an internal defense mechanism that keeps them from getting upset about things that really don't matter. They are the people who say "I don't care" when a discussion gets too heated, or "Whatever" when they get called out for being incorrect. It is this kind of life that I wish I could lead.

But I can't.

In fact, if anything, my own stubborn nature has created a life for me that is fraught with unhappiness, frustration and incredulity. Many people can see a comment on a message board and let it go: I am not one of those people. Some people can overhear a discussion in which one of the speakers makes a major factual error: I must be heard! When thirteen year old girls say that Twilight is by far the best movie ever made, I feel the need to rattle off twenty superior films.

I just can't let people have their own misguided opinions or incorrect facts. In my own brain, I'm actually trying to educate them. I want people to be freed from the shackles of their limited experiences. I want people to transcend their reluctance to explore things outside their knowledge base. But rather than coming off as a sage source of grand experiences, I come off as a pedantic prick.

I remember this starting in about 1998, when the movie Titanic was a colossal mega-hit, still making tons of money from its release in late 1997. The movie was so big that it was sure to win the Oscar (which it did that year), and was very popular with the teenage girl set. [Twilight:2009::Titanic:1998]

I remember being on the internet and reading people gushing about Titanic being the greatest movie ever. At the time, I was a burgeoning film scholar, and was DISGUSTED that anyone would have the AUDACITY to stay that this very long, very overrated film would even crack the top 50 American films! In fact, that same year the American Film Institute came up with its 100 best films, and they had to create a press release saying that Titanic would not be on the list because it wasn't eligible due to the year it was released. (The implication being that Titanic would otherwise, of course, be #1 on the list.) I allowed this injustice of such an overrated film to consume me that summer, and I would tell anyone that would listen that L.A. Confidential was ten times the film that Titanic was, and that Titanic was a poorly-written fairy tale created for simpletons by a megalomanical director. (By the way, these assertions are still all true.)

But I realized that if people really wanted to love that Leo-Kate boat movie, let 'em. Why should I care if they want to settle for lesser entertainment instead of getting out there and digging for true art? Yes, it irks me when shitty or mediocre things get attention without having earned it. (Tony Romo. Paris Hilton. Tiki Barber. 50 Cent. Slumdog Millionaire. Glenn Beck.) But I really shouldn't care. It's not going to stop good things from being made, and not going to stop me from finding them.)

I am now self-aware of this predicament, and have been making efforts to allow myself to step back, take a deep breath, and stop giving a shit. This is outside my nature, as I care too much about everything. But I'm slowly learning that not everyone in the world has the "curiosity gene," as they say. And trying to get everyone to try new things and experience a passionate position is not my job. I can't make anyone like craft beer anymore than someone is going to coerce me into watching "Nip/Tuck." It doesn't make them bad people, it just is foreign to me that people wouldn't want to expose themselves to the best things in life.

All I can do is continue to enjoy the things that I enjoy, and silently look down upon others because they do not.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Fuzz Defector

[Note: I had originally written this back on Tuesday, April 28, almost six months ago, and it acted as a valuable venting mechanism. But since I had a court date, I didn't want to inadvertantly put anything out there that could incriminate me. They have the Google now! Anyway, here is the story of the most trying two day stretch of 2009.]

So I got into a little issue with the New York State DMV this weekend. Apparently -- to steal a line from Willie Moe -- they expect you to pay for car insurance every month! Long story short, they took away my personalized plates (fine they weren't personalized, but they had the word "ARM" in them), as well as my car for safe-keeping.

When you used to having as-needed transportation, taking the bus throughout the Syracuse City limits is sobering and humbling. Having to be on someone else's schedule is something I am just not used to, and having to walk from bus stop to bus stop is brutal sometimes. I got lucky that it was in the spring and not the dead of winter. [Sidebar: why would the DMV north of the city have not one bus go anywhere near it?]

But basically my journey was like this:

Monday:

Taking bus from home to downtown; walking half mile to Erie Blvd DMV.
Being told by guy sweeping up outside building that DMV had moved to Western Lights Plaza.
Getting on bus I thought was going to Western Lights Plaza. Getting back on bus returning downtown.
Getting on correct bus to Western Lights; going to DMV.
Being told I had to come back the next day, because you cannot surrender your plates and get new ones on the same day (even though they were technically surrendered on Sunday).
Swearing at DMV.
Helping old lady with her bags to get on bus; considering myself a hero.
Going back downtown; getting off bus to run at top speed to catch next bus going near my work.
Panting all the way to work; applying swath of deodorant.

But it didn't end there.

Tuesday:

Taking bus downtown.
Waiting 50 minutes for next bus next to smell of garbage.
Taking bus north; getting off at wrong stop, 3 miles from where I needed to go.
Walking one mile in the blazing heat before saying "fuggit" and calling a cab.
Taking cab driving by sweaty mouthbreather to DMV. ($15)
Getting new plates and registration.
Taking another cab driven by friendly Jesus freak to police station to get release order for my car. ($20)
Finding out from ornery police department pencil-pusher that I needed to have a copy of the title, or else he wasn't going to give the release.
Taking cab back to the DMV to get this title for $20 and a green receipt. ($20)
Taking cab BAAAACK to the police station with the info I needed and getting my release. ($20)
Taking final cab ride ... in the WRONG FUCKING DIRECTION because the cop at the desk gave me the wrong address. (The tow truck driver would later tell me he thinks that this cop purposely fucks with people.)
Finally getting my final cab ride ($40) to a gas station where the tow truck driver picked me up to bring me back to my Cranberry-colored baby.

But here's the kicker -- and the irony, especially considering that my dear little brother is a member of law enforcement.

Out of all the people I dealt with on my 44-hour journey through the belly of the beast, almost all the people I dealt with were pleasant and helpful.

The tow truck driver, my main cab driver, the DMV folks, most bus drivers (although one of them was a fucking miserable asshole) and even the girl behind the bullet-proof glass at the Centro station (!) were all great, even if their circumstances limited how much they could help me.

Who were the two people that I dealt with who were full-fledged, grade-A bastards? You guessed it: the cops. The one that pulled me over, who said "You can sit in the back seat of my back car, I'm not going to cuff you." As if he had any reason to cuff me!

And the lifer behind the desk who sent me on a $40 wild goose chase when I could have just as easily called the tow truck driver first. (Apparently the tow truck would have come to the station to pick me up.)

My brother always tells me -- and I totally understand why -- that he gets annoyed when people talk back to him and say things like "I pay your salary!" That has to be irritating.

However, when police are paid to protect us, and they end up being condescending stewards for the DMV -- all the while ignorning real, heinous crimes -- it actually diminishes the great work that police do on a daily basis. People want to like police to protect them from actual criminals ... but when police go after the GOOD people (like me, you and all of the mostly law-abiding people we know), it makes them look like they just have chips on their shoulders and nothing more. The reason that people hate cops is not because they want to break the law unscathed; it's because they aren't doing anything wrong (at least morally), and are still getting hassled.

Anyway, my girl is back and it's great to be back inside her. Wait, that didn't come out right.