Tuesday, July 25, 2006

The Whole Damn Shannon Fam-Damnly

I got these pictures put onto a disc so I might as well do something with them...

My Old Man, Bob, being lazy. Probably watching some terrible detective movie.

My Moms, Nora, looking mad for some reason. Kate did it!

My Aunt Peggy. Sister Margaret to some. [Eye roll] Laughing at one of my many hilarious jokes.

Me, furious that the Bills abandoned the "46" Defense for the less-agressive "Tampa 2."

Mi hermano, Mike. I don't know why I know that word. I took six years of French! Enjoying his delicious beverage.

My little sisters, Eileen (left) and Kate. Clearly thrilled at being photographed and not at all hung over.

Monday, July 17, 2006

Mastur-Gate: Carl Monday vs. Mike Cooper

Deadspin is my new favorite website. They brought the phrase "You're with me, Leather" to the forefront (a phrase, by the way, which I believe will replace "I'm Not Gonna Pay a Lot For this Muffler" as America's most uttered sentence), mocks Stuart Scott mercilessly and have awesome clips of people doing weird things on old Nintendo systems. It's a great site, and you should check it at least three times a day.

One of the gems they have been following is that of the case of Carl Monday and Mike Cooper. Carl Monday is Cleveland's Investigative reporter, and as he was doing a story about sexual deviants hanging around libraries, he ran into a poor, unfortunate soul named Mike Cooper.

Turns out Cooper is a Cleveland-area masturbator who likes to pull it out in public places, such as the library. And when Carl Monday's hidden cameras caught the young man in the act, they had to confront him. And it's pretty intense. (The video is below. The original Deadspin post is here.)

So anyway, turns out Cooper got arrested. So our intrepid Carl Monday went to the hearing. What followed was another explosion from Cooper (who apparently took his crank out of his hand for long enough to try and shove Monday and swear at a cameraman). And his dad cold flipped out before a valiant cop came to the rescue to diffuse the situation. You can see the aftermath here. (Update: here is the YouTube link.)

Here is my ultimate question, and try to follow me here: I have masturbated in a lot of public places. And I mean a lot. Libraries? Oh sure, makes sense. There are computers and lots of tissues at the librarians' stations. But I'm talking public parks, hockey games, press conferences, the Thruway, while mowing the lawn. Any time there is a free second to be had, I'm gonna pull it out and just go to town. But I have never actually been caught! Or if I have been caught the Peeping Tom who busted me has never had the gall to bring it up.

But if I were like Cooper, and not only caught spanking it in public, but caught on camera (and by the way, he had been kicked out of libraries before for pleasuring himself previously), I would be keeping a low profile instead of starting even more drama by throwing reporters' microphones and swearing and yelling. If you get nailed doing a Pee-Wee Herman, just keep your head down, your mouth shut, and do your perp walk to your mini-van for that long, awkward ride home with mom and dad. At first I felt kinda bad for the poor guy, but now it's clear he deserves it.

Saturday, July 08, 2006

One More Last Final Arrested Development Note

I just wanted to point out that the greatest show in the history of television got two Emmy Nominations for this year -- one for Outstanding Comedy Series and one for Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series -- even though it was cancelled as of February 2006.


I know that I am like a pimp for Arrested Development, but it is the most complete and probably funniest show I've ever seen. And trust me, I watch a lot of TV.


It turns out the DVD release got pushed back until August 29th.

Buster and Annyong

So yes, I am using this post as an excuse to put up photos.

Michael Bluth

I miss ya, A.D. I really do. [sniff]

Tobias as Never Nude

Here's another one I love.

It's gonna be a cult classic, I'm tellin' ya.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Happy 230th America! Kisses!

It was 230 years ago today that our forefathers removed from our wrists the shackles of English tyrants and declared our independence to the world. With the benefit of being a nation founded by philosophers and thinkers, rather than of career politicians and monarchs, the great minds of those early days created the most successful and longest-running democratic experiment in the history of mankind.

Thirteen years after the Declaration of Independence went into effect, the electoral college unanimously elected George Washington to be the new nation's first president. Washington is invariably considered one of the three greatest presidents in history in every significant poll on great presidents (Franklin D. Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln are the others), and he is regarded as the "Father of our country."

Washington was a humble man upon whom greatness was thrust. He never wanted to be lauded for his many achieve- ments, but rather shunned adulation and wanted only to serve the just cause for which his countrymen fought. He proved himself time and again in battle, in both the French and Indian War and the American Revolution. When elected president, he waived his yearly salary since he was already wealthy. He stayed out of party politics, preferring to eschew party loyalties in favor of common sense.

In his famous farewell address, Washington urged the country to come together for American interests, and cease political partisanism. He also encouraged the country to remain out of foreign affairs, and concentrate on American interests.

And here is a line I find to be particularly topical:

The alternate domination of one faction over another, sharpened by the spirit of revenge, natural to party dissension, which in different ages and countries has perpetrated the most horrid enormities, is itself a frightful despotism. But this leads at length to a more formal and permanent despotism. The disorders and miseries, which result, gradually incline the minds of men to seek security and repose in the absolute power of an individual; and sooner or later the chief of some prevailing faction, more able or more fortunate than his competitors, turns this disposition to the purposes of his own elevation, on the ruins of Public Liberty.

Fast forward a couple centuries and enjoy the eloquent musings of another George W.

Yes, the founding fathers were rich white slaveowners, and yes the land was taken from those who occupied it first. But as far as political revolutions go, this world would (in my opinion) be far worse off without the United States' presence. For all our imperfections as a nation, we have always strived to protect the freedom of men and women to live as they wish, and of protecting with equality all people, regardless of race or social status. (We have not been fully successful in either of these, but we're trying.) But it is good to know that 230 years of progress and (mostly) good faith will not be torn asunder by 8 years of a nation losing its way. The pendulum always swings back, and over the many years of tribulations this country has endured, we will see it do so again. The tide rises, the tide ebbs.

But my hope for this country is that someday, we can all remember that even though we may believe in different things politically, and may have completely opposite viewpoints of the way the world works, we are all Americans. Though we have different accents and different religions, that does not need to divide us. And it's all right to be mad at this country, and criticize it, because dissent is one of the founding principles we need to acknowledge, and defend. Without dissent, we have unanimity, and uninimity behind an unjust cause or an unjust ruler (when we know it to be unjust) is just as bad as treason, because it threatens to slowly chip away at the foundation we were built on.

When we can look at a person we don't know, and give them the benefit of the doubt, since they are an American like we are, maybe we will finally bring to fruition the country that Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, Benjamin Franklin and George Washington envisioned.

I may be dead and gone when it does happen, but it's a beautiful dream to have. Happy Fourth of July to all.