Sunday, August 31, 2008

"I'm Not Gonna Tell You"

I saw this live and it was gorgeous.

Cristi Adkins is the blonde dipshit in the middle and the founder of P.U.M.A (Party Unity, My Ass) who embarrasses herself on this video.

These are some ignorant people. I can't believe this is the group to which all these policitians have to pander. At first I was really upset about this, but now I can actually laugh at it. The women that I know who aren't political junkies are too smart to fall for this shit.

Also, I think it's noteworthy that this is supposedly some big grassroots movement, and she got all of three people to stand with her to hold up that banner. I think this is a fabricated movement with no real legs.

[Update: If you didn't think this was a fake movement before, check this out, from -- of all places -- (but sadly, it's true):

Former John McCain Supporter Jumps Ship to Support John McCain
POSTED BY: CubbyChaser
Meet Darragh Murphy.

She's a longtime supporter of Hillary Clinton who's so enraged that her candidate lost out to an inexperienced, misogynistic elitist like Barack Obama that she started a political action committee called PUMA PAC (either "People United Mean Action" or "Party Unity, My Ass!" depending on who you ask) to see to it that Obama loses in November. Big time!

According to Murphy's website...

There will be no unity in the Democratic party until the voices of the 18 million voters who support Hillary Clinton are heard and heeded. Until the voices of Pumas are once again listened to by the leadership of the Democratic party, we will be guided by that defiance. We will treat insult with uprightness and will meet disdain with disdain. We will not be bullied, brainwashed, or bossed into falling in line.

We are motivated to action by our shared belief that the current leadership of the Democratic National Committee has abrogated its responsibility to represent the interests of all democrats in all 50 states. They are misleading our party and aim to mislead our country into nominating an illegitimate candidate for president in 2008.

Wow! Now there's a staunch Democrat who really hates Obama and really supports Hillary Clinton!

How much does she support Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Party?

So much so that she founded her PAC four whole days before Hillary Clinton officially dropped out of the race. That would be the Tuesday, June 3rd, the day that Obama wrapped up the nomination!

So much so that she's only made one campaign contribution in her life, and that was $500 to John McCain in 2000!

So much so that she voted for John McCain in the 2000 Massachusetts Republican primaries!

Now there's a true blue Democrat for you.

Sherri Shepherd is a Sh-thead

Women have really come a long way in the last 50 years. They have made all myths of their mental inferiority disintegrate and blow into the wind.

So why would a show called "The View," which is supposedly intended to get the disparate views of intelligent women and have a dialogue. But apparently there is something that compels the producers of "The View" to add a complete idiot to their midst.

Sherri Shepherd is probably as dumb and uneducated a human being as I've ever seen. She was asked if she thought the earth was flat or round. See here...

I like how she says "I never really thought about it, but I do think about how to feed my CHILD!" She should probably have her child and all sharp objects removed from her.

Enjoy this discussion of dinosaurs and Christians...

Why are the other "View" hosts afraid to call this woman the drooling fucktard that she is? If anything, this proves that "all voices" do not necessarily need to be heard, especially when those voices come out of the mouth of this dope.

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Even Abe's Down

The L-Word, and Why People Hate It

"Liberal" has become a swear word among some people, mostly on the right side of the political spectrum. Say what you will about Republicans but they are outstanding at creating buzzwords and pejoratives that stick.

I consider myself a progressive, definitely not a liberal. There is probably little difference, all told, but during this week of the 2008 Democratic National Convention, I am reminded why so-called "Liberals" can be so loathsome at times.

I don't particularly like Liberals, truth be told. It's not that I disagree with their opinions, because by and large I am pretty much in agreement with most of the issues of the Democratic party. But Liberals themselves can be an insufferable lot.

First, before I get into this I have to say one thing: I was just watching a brief segment on "Hardball" on MSNBC, where three women -- supposedly Hillary Clinton supporters -- were holding a fairly large banner that said something to the effect of Barack Obama having been registered as a Muslim when he was a child at a Muslim school in Indonesia. Chris Matthews, to his credit, asked these women to cite their source; they were unable to do so. (The woman actually said "I'm not going to tell you.") There is a theory going around that these people are actually Republicans who are trying to get people to think it's okay to switch sides and vote for McCain instead of Obama.

If that is true -- devious as it is -- it's genius. But if it isn't true, then these women are either deluded, stupid, racist or all three. They are children; they are small, petty, nattering little children. If Susan B. Anthony could have seen these women, she would probably have just given up. I'm sure there are men doing the same thing, but if these people really are Hillary supporters, then they are pretty much proving what most people thought: that they are racist and moronic. It's an embarrassment. Search for Cristi Adkins on YouTube -- or google "PUMA," which stands for "Party Unity My Ass" -- and see why. These people are the reason why the founding fathers created an electoral college instead of a direct vote; these dumb c*nts' votes should not count as much as yours or mine.

Anyway, back on-topic. The reason that people hate Liberals are not usually based on policy or political opinion, but rather on personality and attitude. We don't disagree with them, but we find them disagreeable. I have broken these down to six main reasons.

Now before you say, "But Bill, what about conservatives and Republicans? Don't they have unpleasant qualities too?" Republicans are fucking evil assholes. There isn't enough bandwidth on the internet to list all the shit these bastards have pulled in my own lifetime. But we all know about them. This is about why people that I personally agree with piss me off so much. They are the kind of people you want to agree with and get behind, and then they screw you right over with their unpleasantness and irrationality. They are like the friend that no one else really likes but you bring him around hoping he won't be an asshole, and lo and behold, he is an asshole.

So here are the examples of what make these liberals so unpleasant to be around, with real-life examples!

  1. SELF-IMPORTANCE AND SELF-CONGRATULATION. No one loves to congratulate themselves more than liberals. Every pep rally is like an episode of The Sammy Maudlin Show. If a big-L Liberal does something good, they have to make sure that everyone knows it, and that all dissent is either racist, sexist, ignorant or homophobic.

    The best and most nauseating example of this is "All Aboard! Rosie's Family Cruise," one of the most gut-churning pieces of movie-making I have ever seen. No, not because it's a gay boat cruise. I think the concept is great, allowing gay families to come together and remove some of the stigma of homosexuality. But the level of self-congratulation is abhorrent. Yes, they run into some anti-gay groups on one of the islands -- ignoramuses all -- but the manner in which the infallible Rosie puffs herself up, and puffs up her own importance and her own virtue. It is films like this that (wrongly) make people hate gays, because they see the pretention and arrogance of the principal players.

  2. USURPING THE MORAL HIGH GROUND. Let's face it: for the most part, Liberals are on the right side of issues and always have been. Slavery. Civil Rights. Prohibition. The Iraq War.

    But by God if they don't constantly let you know it. God forbid you are against something that a Liberal believes in, you must be a racist, a homophobe, or someone who doesn't want people to be happy. If you are against abortion, you are "anti-choice." If you don't believe in affirmative action, you are a bigot. If you are for the death penalty, you are akin to a murderer. If you think maybe that whole Israeli-Palestinian situation is just a little one sided, you are clearly an anti-Semite.

    My favorite example of this was shortly before we went to war with Iraq (which I supported initially, but now clearly understand was a tremendous mistake perpetuated by liars with a prior agenda). There was a rally for peace somewhere and there was a Muslim cleric of some sort at a podium, and he was spastically shouting "Peace be unto YOU! Peace be unto YOU! Those are words that are in the Koran, that came a thousand years before George BUSH! Peace be unto YOU!"

    Now, George Walker Bush will go down as our shittiest president, but where the fuck was this "peace be unto YOU" asshole right after 9/11 when twenty of his countrymen used planes as missiles? Where was this loudmouth in decrying his own pack of animals when they killed civilians? This man lambasted the U.S. for attacking Iraq, because it was the wrong thing to do; but he was never heard from in the days after our nation's greatest tragedy? He was sitting on his fucking ass doing nothing, that's what. This reason is also the reason Liberals sue everyone.

    Cry out against all injustice, not just injustice toward you, or shut your fucking mouth.

  3. RUBBING IT IN. This is the one that I think really sends conservatives or independents over the edge. When Liberals get some modicum of success, the first thing they have to do is tell everyone what they just got and "fuck you" if you were ever against them! The worst -- and stupidest -- example of this was when the city of San Francisco legalized gay marriage and decided to have mass weddings in the front of city hall. Of course gay marriage should be legal; if they are consenting adults, it's no different than interracial marriage or a hot chick marrying a douchebag.

    But when you parade it around so defiantly, you are going to piss people off, flat out. What the gay marriage lobby hasn't figured out yet is that they talk about gay marriage being a "private choice" and then proceeding to parade their marriage around in front of people who don't want to look at it. If it were truly "private," you could do it in a small ceremony, and you know what? The issue would probably go away in 20 years. Conservatives think it's the idea of men marrying other men in the privacy of their own homes that they hate, but it's really having to look at it. If gays could figure that out and keep it out of the view of Joe Reckneck, it would be no big deal soon enough.

  4. PRETENTION. This is what probably lost Al Gore the 2000 election. So many celebrities came out to "tell the people" they should vote for Al Gore. Ben Affleck, Tim Robbins, the guy who plays Will on "Will & Grace" (who is Canadian by the by), all telling me what Al Gore can offer me. That's very nice, and I'm sure they were all in touch with my life at the time, working two jobs, pulling down a cool $12,000 a year.

    Celebrities and some of the Liberal elites (like Nancy Pelosi, Barbra Streisand, Oprah to name a few) are talking to us from their ivory towers, telling us what is right for us. As if they are far more highly attuned to what is right and good and just, and that we, the simple folk, the common clay, what is right for us.

    Granted, most of the "common clay" (read: the flyover states) are fucking dipshits who were retarded enough to elect Bush not once but twice could use some harsh education, and based on the employment rates and economy, the idiots are getting exactly the education they deserve right now. But to have a Streisand tell me what's best for me from her oceanfront compound is rather maddening.

  5. REFUSAL TO CONCEDE A POINT OR MAKE A RATIONAL ARGUMENT. This is personally the most maddening to me. Just when you think that a Liberal is going to make a good point, they fuck it up by making an equally ridiculous point. They will say something like, "The war in Iraq is wrong, and Rumsfeld is Hitler!" or if asked whether someone putting a Christmas tree up in a public place is wrong, they will say "NO BECAUSE IT'S A VIOLATION OF SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE TO HAVE A CHRISTMAS TREE UP IN FRONT OF A DUNKIN DONUTS!!!!!" [Please note: Republicans pull this shit all the time too, because whenever you trash the pile of shit that is the Bush Administration, they will always respond with "Well what about Clinton???!!!"]

    The worst -- the absolute WORST -- example of this is that fat bag of shit Michael Moore, who makes movies that have the best intentions at heart (gun violence, the corruption of corporations, the Iraq War, the mess that is health care in America), and then proceeds to take EVERY Liberal position, and trash EVERY conservative opinion, regardless of how ridiculous or salient, respectively.

    My favorite example of this is the movie "Sicko," a film that rails against the evils of the health insurance industry. [Full disclosure: I am part of the health insurance industrial complex and am slightly biased.] In the film, he makes very valid points about how messed up the health care system is in the U.S., but then he proceeds to call insurance companies "murderers." Are these companies irresponsible or incompetent sometimes? Of course, every industry has them. But murderers? Go fuck yourself, tubby.

    In the same film, Moore takes some sick people to Cuba to get care. All the doctors, of course, are wonderful people there, and provide the best care imaginable, in clean hospitals with wonderful, hopeful music playing in the background. Because if Cuba is known for one thing, it's technological progress and clean hospitals. Also, Moore makes a point about prisoners in Guantanamo Bay who get better care than U.S. citizens. But can you even fucking imagine if it turned out that the Guantanamo prisoners weren't getting health care? I'm sure he would rail against that too.

    By the way, there is a magnificent documentary about the fraud that is Michael Moore called "Manufacturing Dissent." And no, it's not some piece of right-wing tripe like "Michael Moore Hates America." It actually involves a lot of liberal people and many of Moore's former friends whom he sold out. It's a great movie and you will never look at that fat slug the same way again.

    And finally, the Liberal offense du jour...

  6. KNEE-JERK DEFENSIVENESS. This one is sweeping the nation. When Don Imus called those ladies "Nappy Headed Hoes," Liberals fell over themselves to be the first to be offended. As diverse a number of blowhards as Keith Olbermann and Snoop Dogg chastised Imus. (Drink that in for a second, Snoop criticized someone for calling women "hoes." You can't make this up, folks.)

    My favorite incident of the last year or so was when the Hillary Clinton campaign got upset with MSNBC's David Shuster because he said, "doesn't it seem like Chelsea's sort of being pimped out in some weird sort of way?" The Clinton campaign was horrified -- HORRIFIED I TELL YOU -- that someone would compare their own sweet Chelsea to a common whore, not realizing that in the parlance of our times, "pimping something/someone out" means simply pandering, and not a literal translation. To somehow imply that Shuster was calling Chelsea a prostitute isn't just misguided, it's dishonest.
Don't get me wrong, I am voting for Obama/Biden this November, and even though I'm not a Democrat, I find most of them far less offensive than their right-wing counterparts. Any party that elected George W. Bush twice has clearly lost their shit.

But I can see why some conservatives hate some of you.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Obama/Biden 2008

Many of my loyal readers may remember that I put my coveted support behind Joseph R. Biden, Jr., the senior Senator from Delaware, for President of the United States in 2008. 'Twas true in May of 2006 and 'tis true today: Joe Biden is the man.

When Biden was lambasted for calling Barack Obama "clean" in 2007, I got behind him (which I'm sure got him out of a lot of hot water).

Barack Obama is clearly a NOCWIT fan, because he heeded my advice and selected JB to be our next Vice President. Some people say he's risky because of some of his verbal slip-ups, but I would rather have a guy who speaks his mind, after 7 years of the White House being run by a glorified public relations company.

I will have more on this, I'm sure, in the coming months, but I am so beyond excited that Obama took Biden -- a man who never officially endorsed Barack and will not be one of his "yes men" -- and is bringing him to be a partner in fixing this broken country.

Here is a promotional video from the Obama campaign. I would also encourage you to read about his story, like how he commuted from Delaware to Washington, DC to be with his sons when his wife and baby daughter were killed in a car accident. (He never talks about this, by the way, or uses it for sympathy.)

I am very cynical when it comes to politicians, and I'm not saying Biden is a perfect human being, but he's always struck me as someone that I can relate to and someone who truly wants to do right by the country.

All you guys who voted for Bush can finally get it right. LET'S DO THIS!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Four Years!

Sunday marks my fourth Blogoversary. That's four full years of ruining the internet with witless observations, dull ramblings and uninformed opinions.

And unfortunately for you, I show no signs of slowing down! (Well, except for the fact that I haven't posted that much lately.)

But in case you are one of those impatient types, let me give you a rundown of some likely topics coming up this next year, the end of which will mark my full half-decade of blogging. Just look what's in store!

  • My reaction to the Bills finally winning the Super Bowl.
  • Why the court ordered me to stop drinking.
  • Top 150 stupid things I did in the past 6 months.
  • Assholes who pissed me off that day.
  • Assholes who I pissed off that day.
  • Sentimental crap that only I care about.
  • A picture of my fiancee and her name.
  • The restraining order my fiancee put on me (aka Silly fights!)
  • My night in jail for ignoring the "hundred feet rule" or as I call it "suggestion"!
  • Delightful beers that I defiantly drank in direct violation of Onondaga County Appellate Court.
  • I cooked something!
  • Opinions, opinions, opinions!
  • Oprah is a bitch, Steve-O is a raging douche, Ann Coulter is a "soft-C."
  • President Obama: Black enough?
  • How I single-handedly financed the Russian mafia by using their music downloading site
  • I can't believe I went this long without embracing the majesty of country music!
  • "The Most __________ __________ Ever!"
  • How the Iron Sheik found a way to make me humble.
  • The world celebrates Bill O'Reilly's violent and humiliating death.
  • I read a book!
  • Boy was that "Watchmen" movie a disappointment! You know I read the comic book like a year before it came out, right?!?!

And that's about it. So that's like, what, two a month? I can pull that off. Try not to stay up too late celebrating!!!! HAHAHAHA ....ahhh...

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

The Death of the Mother Joke

I have been meaning to post this for a while now, but the fact that it's untimely will hopefully be overshadowed by the fact that it is irrelevant. Just indulge me for a moment; I need to purge.

The Mama Joke as we know it is dead.

It was fun while it lasted. What sprung mostly from poor minority areas as "the dozens" used to be a game of cleverness and wordplay, not meant to actually insult someone's mother, but to engage in a level of creativity on a competitive level.

But now, all is lost. That which made the mother joke an integral part of boyhood oneupsmanship has become a lost art, with lesser comedic minds attempting to engage in it with limited to no success. Loyal readers may remember an old post I wrote about the then-burgeoning MTV program "Yo Momma" starring that dripping-with-street-cred hunk Wilmer Valderamma. The jokes on that show, done mostly by a collection of urbanite ne'er-do-wells was subpar and amateurish at best, painfully pathetic at worst.

But while that was a collection of high school kids trying to get on TV, an episode of "Last Comic Standing" from this past July effectively killed the mother joke. Not only were these the supposed "best and brightest" of the young comedian set, but it was televised nationally.

Before I get into that, a quick breakdown of the mother joke, and why it works. Contrary to popular belief, the mother joke is not successful because it insults the other person's mother, which is one of the worst things you can do. Instead, it creates a hyperbolic image of one's hypothetical mother, and then creatively illustrates how ridiculous that person is.

It usually hinges upon taking a particular trait of a person (their age, their weight, their intelligence) and going to an extreme to show just how _______ that person is.

My personal favorite type of mother joke is the one that uses word play and double-meanings. A few of my favorites:

"Your mother is so fat, she fell in love and broke it."
"Your mother is so black, she went to night school and was marked absent."
"Your mama so nasty, I had phone sex with her and got an ear infection."
"Your mother is like the city bus: guys gettin' on and off her all day."

Another popular type of mother joke is exaggerating a certain trait that a mother has to an absurd degree. To wit:

"Your mother is so fat, she stepped on a scale and it said 'to be continued.'"
"Your mother is so old, her social security number is 12."
"Your mother is so old, she has Jesus's beeper number."
"Your mother so so dumb, I told her it's chilly outside so she went outside with a spoon."

Even the least creative of these early mother jokes had a certain patter and construction to them that made them work on some level. There is a certain formula at least.

It must be brief, which is why no mother joke starts with "your mother is so riddled with excruciating joint pain..."

The insult must come from the mother's weakness first, rather than the other way around, which is why you never hear "Greenpeace tried to throw your mother in the ocean, because she's so fat!"

And there should be some element of exaggeration, wordplay or even an old switcheroo, which is why the insults of "Yo Mama" by The Pharcyde worked:

"Yo mama got a glass eye with a fish in it."
"Yo mama got a wooden leg with real feet."
"Yo mama got a pegleg with a kickstand."
"Yo mama got an afro with a chinstrap."

Which brings me to "Last Comic Standing." I have never been a huge fan of that show, only because I have never found too many of the comics that side-splittingly hilarious, the judges are usually assholes, and the "reality" backstage drama is often so stupid and melodramatic that it undermines any comic tone the show may have. Other than that, I'm sure it's good.

Back in July, the show had a "Mother joke" contest, complete with a boxing ring and an audience, during which time these stunning wits got to trade verbal barbs with each other. With the exception of the unusual alternative Jesus freak comedy duo God's Pottery (who at least committed to their odd material), the whole thing was the final death knell for the mother joke as we used to know it.

I'm not going to bother with names because I don't know them and most of them will probably be unheard of within a few months. But let's explore each one and why they don't work, when applicable. (I put an asterisk next to a quote from one of the people who "advanced," so you can see the real cream of the crop.)

First Round:
#1. "Yo mama so fat, even her panties have stretch marks!"

This one actually comes close to being in the spirit of an authentic mother joke. It's a little weak but at least it's a decent attempt.

#2. "Your mama's so fat, even Stephen Hawking is like [in robotic voice] 'Man that is a fat hoe!'"

This is bullshit. He could have said anyone and done any impression to get the same effect. He could have just as easily said, "...even Sylvester Stallone is like [in Stallone voice] 'Man that's a fat hoe!'" Ridiculous.

#3. "Your mama's so fat, she sweats buttermilk and cries bacon bits!"
Again, at least this guy sorta gets it, but this kind of joke could have been replaced by "sweats gravy and cries maple syrup." Just "_____ and ______."

#4. "Your mama is so fat, when the Dodgers have a rain delay they use her jacket as a rain tarp!"

Wow, brevity is clearly a lost art. And the way he emphasizes "rain tarp!" was incredibly anticlimactic. This is wordy and clumsy. Plus it would have been funnier if he had said, "...they spread her out on the field during rain delays." Subtle, pithy.

#5. "Your mama's so ugly, pitbulls run from her!"
Weak. Insert any ugly animal.

#6. "Your mama's so old, she was the waitress at the last supper!" (Note: this one really got the crowd roaring.)

The delivery on this one was awful too. The joke itself isn't bad, but the emphasis on the last part is gay. Plus, it would have been wittier had he said something like, "You can see her serving refilling waters in 'The Last Supper'" or "The Apostles gave her an 8% gratuity...." Something.

Second Round:
#1. "Your mother is so pretty, Kenny and I were just talking... we think she could be a model."*

This was two guys called God's Pottery who were basically always smiling and talking about Jesus. Given that fact, this joke actually worked. They were at least working the anti-humor angle.

#2. "Yo mama's so old, she know the recipe for dirt."

Lame. Just lame. And lazy. "Older than dirt"? Seriously?

#3. "Your mother is so funny, when she tells jokes, we could just die laughing, which is fine because we're going to heaven."*

Again, this one worked because at least it wasn't the same old shit. They actually found a fresh angle.

#4. "Your mama's so fat, her bra size is [squeeeak!]

This goes back to my previous post, which is a lazy way of not having to come up with a joke. A similar example would be, "Your mama wears tin foil around her wrist, talkin' bout bling-BLING!" It's a set up without a punchline.

#5. "Your mother is so terrific, she was elected mayor of Awesomeville... By a landslide!"*

I really thought these guys were pretty funny

Other rounds:

#1. "Your mama is so stupid, she thinks Def Leppard sings in sign language."

I know what he was trying for, but it's a weak joke.

#2. "Your mama, is so old she want to high school with John McCain."*

Holy shit, your mother could be as old as SEVENTY-ONE! (And this douche advanced.)

#3. "Your mama is so poor, she changed out a $10 bill and tried to make it rain."

This sounded dumb coming from a blonde white girl, but the joke itself was decent.

#4. "Your mama is so special, there isn't a short bus short enough."*
This goes into the say-anything-you-like school of jokes. I would have preferred -- paraphrasing the great Aesop Rock -- "Your mother is so dumb, when she was in school she used to get 'G's." This was a lame-o attempt at a joke.

#5. "Your mama is so frigid, her vagina dispenses ice cubes."

Dispenses? Not a funny word. How about "I touched her belly button and ice cubes came out." Holy shit, I could have cleaned up on this show!

#6. "Your mama is somebody I would worship, because where I come from cows are considered sacred."

This was said by a comedian of Indian descent, and though there is a joke there somewhere, the phrasing and delivery is so godawful. Even something like "Where I come from, your mother would be sacred" would be solid, since anyone with a modicum of knowledge knows the idea of the "sacred cow."

#7. "Your mother is so white, she makes mayonnaise look brown!"

Was this even an attempt? "Your mother is so brown, she makes chocolate look white!" "Your mother is so yellow, she makes mustard look white!" Did you even try?

#8. "Your mother is so Korean, she has a demilitarized zone around her waist, her breasts are ruled by a dictator, and she hosted the Olympics in her underpants!"*

This guy was kind of going for an alternative type of humor but a snappy insult should be snappy and not a paragraph long. This guy is probably a decent comedy writer and a shitty improviser.

#9. "Your mother is so Canadian, she uses maple syrup as lube!"

Again, doesn't even make sense. Syrup is sticky, first of all. Secondly, whenever someone is dying comedically, they will go the sexual route, cuz it gets the easy laugh. This girl ended up getting kicked off at the end of the show, and thank God.

#10. "Your mother is so old, she was at the shower washing, raised her breast, and a pilgrim fell out!"*

A long way to go, but not horrible I guess. Would have been good as one brief sentence, instead of adding pauses and verbal commas.

Semi-final round. [For this round, they changed it from "Yo mama" to "You are such a hack...." The basic comic theory remains the same, except for the fact that "hack" is an abstract concept and doesn't lend itself to any kind of real clever wordplay or exaggerational humor. As you can imagine, it's comedy gold.]

#1. "You guys are such hacks, you suck harder than Paris Hilton on prom night!"

That sentence doesn't even make sense. You start off a sentence one way, and then end it with a completely different thought. It's like saying "You're such an asshole, you suck!" And a dumb twat like Paris Hilton is such ripe fodder she barely even raises an eyebrow anymore.

#2. "You're such a hack, that most of your jokes come from the Old Testament!"

These guys did have a biblical theme, so it sorta made sense in context, but it's not a strong joke.

#3. "You guys are such hacks, if you were a boy band you'd be the Hackstreet Boys."

If he had just said the second part of that sentence, it probably would have worked. As delivered, it sounded clumsy.

#4. "You're such a hack, the jokes of yours that don't come from the Old Testament come from the New Testament."

God's Pottery clearly running out of steam.

#5. "You guys are such hacks, your opener and closer is, 'Is this thing on?!'" [taps microphone]

Oh where to begin. By bringing up the "Is this thing on" joke, not only was he himself resorting to hackery using that as a reference, but how "inside" do you have to get? Just... what a sad attempt.

#6. "You're such a hack, that when they opened King Tut's tomb, went in, opened the sarcophagus, the mummy was holding a papyrus scroll with a number of your jokes on it."

Again, this same Canadian guy needs to tighten up his wording. With the right wording this one could have worked.

#7. "You're so hack, that your act has cured my insomnia."


#8. "You're so hack that you once did your jokes in a forest for a number of lumberjacks, and they said a few more jokes like that, and we'll get this tree down."

Get it, "hacks"? Oy.

#9. "You're such a hack, it makes Carrot Top seem fresh."

"You are so blank, you make blank seem like blank." Holy shit, this guy ended up winning the whole thing???

Finals (This round was "anything goes," to which the instruction was given by the delightful Bill Bellamy, "Say what you want, but make it funny!"):

#1. "There's Facebook, there's MySpace. To which social networking site do you belong? Swedish barnyard sex?"

He might have had something if he had made some kind of "Face" "Space" pun. The joke itself was interesting, but it didn't fit the "mother joke" motif.

#2. "Hey Jim, you're dumber than a ding-dong in a Ho-Ho factory."

I don't get it.

#3. "Oh that was very clever, I feel I'm in the presence of the Oscar Wilde brothers after a labotomy."

The syntax of the sentence notwithstanding, this one is kind of amusing. Didn't quite close the deal, but had potential.

#4. "I've got three simple words: The Revolutionary War!"

Yikes. That's like being in a mother joke contest with Chris Rock and saying "two words, Rodney King!" More cruel than funny.

#5. "There are limitations to the human mind. You have just proven it."

Okay this line killed. But it's not anything even remotely resembling a joke. Insult? Yes. Joke, not even fucking close. It's like saying, "Humans are flawed creatures. You are an example of that." How did these people get on TV?????!!!!

#6. "Well how 'bout this? You know what Jim? I think you're the kind of person, who doesn't enjoy rainbows!"

These guys went back to their schtick but by this time it had grown stale and the audience wasn't buying it anymore.

#7. [To the audience] "Hands up if you think their father should have settled for the massage."

I'm not exactly sure what's up with this comment but he did a smart thing by playing to the crowd for the knockout blow. There is a pretty scathing joke there somewhere, but this guy is clearly not up to the task.

Okay so I probably shouldn't be so bothered by this, but two of my least favorite things in this world are people who think they are funny and clearly are not, and when a cultural elements are usurped and bastardized.

Look, I know it's hard to do comedy, but if you are going to be on a national TV show, your jokes and humorous lines should be at least as funny as the ones that I trade with my friends over a few beers every so often. None of these people even struck me as ones that would stand out as being one of the more humorous people in my group of friends.

Maybe comedy as we know it is dead. Maybe comedy is so dead that I have an urn filled with its ashes over my mantle!"

Oh God, I've become one of them. Kill me.