Thursday, September 16, 2004

The Jeremy Shockey Drinking Game

Okay, so all us football fans know what a drag it is to watch the New York Giants. For the last twenty years or so (1986 Super Bowl year excepted) they have been the most boring, predictable, unwatchable team in sports. So when you live in Central New York -- where everyone thinks they're just a stone's throw from New York City, even though we're closer to Buffalo (both geographically and spiritually) -- and they show the Giants every Sunday, even when there are much much better games on, what's a football fan to do?

I'll tell you! Turn that boredom upsey-daisy! Play the Jeremy Shockey drinking game! It's easy! It's fun! And it gets you drunk! Let the NFL's excessive overexposure of the mercurial Giants' Tight End work for you! Here's how to play:

1) Get a 12- or 24-pack of your favorite beverage! Beer works best. Pop only works for making you pee. Wine coolers and alcoholic malt beverages are acceptable for girls.

2) Find a comfortable spot, one where you will land softly when you pass out. Open your beverage and turn on the Giants game! (If you are at a bar, best to get a pitcher or two.)

3) Begin! Here's how the scoring works!

ONE DRINK IF... Shockey catches a pass; Shockey's name is mentioned when he is on the field; Shockey is shown in a replay throwing a block; Shockey drops a pass; Shockey is shown laughing on the sideline; an announcer compares Shockey to another white Tight End like Todd Heap or Christian Fauria; Shockey is called for a penalty; an announcer mentions Shockey went to the University of Miami.

TWO DRINKS IF... Shockey is mentioned when he had nothing to do with the play; Shockey is shown on the sideline when the Giants are on offense; Shockey drops a pass on 3rd down; Shockey's name is mentioned even though he is inactive for the game; Shockey is compared to a Tight End of Color like Randy McMichael or Tony Gonzalez; Shockey makes the "first-down" sign after catching a pass; Shockey is flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct.

THREE DRINKS IF... Shockey is shown on the sideline when the Giants are on defense; Shockey drops a touchdown pass; Shockey gets in another player's face; Shockey gets into a fight with another player; Shockey's appearance on Howard Stern is mentioned by an announcer; Shockey is ejected from the game; John Madden mentions Shockey's name more than 3 times or more within the context of one sentence [Monday Night Football special rule!].

FINISH YOUR BEVERAGE IF...! Shockey catches a touchdown pass (don't worry, this has only happened two times in four years); Shockey gets into a fight with a fan OR throws a cup of ice at a kid; Shockey is carried off the field or is killed during the game; Shockey cries.

Make sure you make the appropriate arrangements to get home. And don't feel bad if you have to quit at halftime. Even Giants games can be fun, if you know how to watch!

1 comment:

Toastie said...

you bastard. you forgot about finishing your beer anytime shockey is mentioned in a game the giants aren't even involved in, if its a college game not featuring the university of miami, shockey catches the ball and either the stadium or the opposing player covering him/trying to tackle him blow up, or whenever they talk about life out of football for shockey; ie. linked to tara reid and paris hilton. still, giants football is not all that bad. why you gotta play me like that son?? let me give you what this comment and your blog really needs. SHHHOOOOOCCCKKKKEEEEYYY!!!!! there, that's better. my plan for this afternoon before yanks v. sox, go out and buy a shockey jersey. I'd like to see me try to get in your house with that on. keep the good blogs comin' my man.

toastmaster general