Throwing Jared Under the Train

I'm watching the pregame for the Packers and Vikings this afternoon, enjoying the amusing banter between Howie and Terry. I'm even enjoying some of the funny commercials for fine companies like Staples and Burger King and FedEx. Just when I'm thinking, "We really are in golden age of commercials," onto my screen comes my arch nemesis.

Fucking Jared.

You know Jared. He's that guy who used to be really really fat, but then he ate 2 Subway sandwiches per day and walked a mile to the Subway restaurant and lost something like 280 lbs or something. I think they started the marketing campaign in like 2001.

At first, I found his story inspiring. A really fat bloated tub of cellulite who started eating more healthily and changed his life. He lost enough that he was even able to find a woman to marry him.

It's as if they were marketing directly toward me. All the appeal was there: I already love Subway sandwiches, I hate fat people and I'm inspired by people who change their lives by dropping pounds. Happy Gilmore himself wouldn't have been a better spokesperson at first.

But the Subway people never took into account the possibility that maybe they should have ditched this marketing campaign long ago. Jared's tale was all well and good when they would just show a picture of his previously fat ass and then flash forward to his new thinner, but still collossally dorky frame, eating a delicious sub from Subway. Very nice, I'll have a Veggie Delite with low-fat mayo because of you, Jared.

But then the Subway people made a fatal mistake: they allowed the prick to speak. At first, it was no big deal. Jared seemed like a dorky guy who just wanted others to eat better and get in shape like him. He would hold his enormous pants up to his newer body and say, something like, "I can thank Subway for the fact that I'm not a fat fucking bastard anymore," or whatever. But since then, Jared's aw-shucks charm has given way to a very unlikable Jared.

Have you noticed it? First of all, he has that problem with speaking. His pronunciation and diction are fine, but the way he speaks is irritating beyond belief. He has that incedibly annoying sibilant "S" that makes sentences like "So stop into Subway for a small soda and a tasty sweet chicken teriaki sub" unbearable to listen to. Neighorhood dogs agree.

Also, every time he speaks, his mouth opens up to twice the normal size of a regular human being. Have you noticed this? When you speak to a friend or co-worker, your mouth probably only opens up as much as it has to. But when Jared speaks, his lips contort as if he were attempting to stretch them out. You know when you have a bag of balloons, and you pull one out, and before you blow it up, you stretch it out a few times to improve its elasticity? Well, Jared does this with his mouth every time he talks on television. It looks like Drew Barrymore and Mary Jo Buttafuoco have joint custody demonic possession of his mouth and are trying to pull it in opposite directions. Seriously, how this douchebag found a wife is beyond me.

Oh, and don't even get me started on his recent condescending attitude. Okay, I get it, you lost a shitload of weight from eating healthy sandwiches and whatnot. It doesn't mean you have the right to talk down to me or any other person watching television at that particular time. There's one where he starts talking about McDonald's, I think it might be their Chicken Selects. Jared starts talking to me as if I'm a stupid fat idiot for eating them. He's like, "You know, you shouldn't eat them. They've got a lot of fat in them, and if you eat them you'll look like I used to. So you're stupid if you eat them. Are we clear? Have I made my point? You get the picture? You laughing now? Yeah, I thought so, fatty." I mean, can you ever get into a conversation with this guy about something where he doesn't mention how much weight he dropped by eating Subway? I doubt it.

I'm sure what Jared is thinking is, "I used to be a fat nerd. But now you can't say that! I'm not fat anymore! You are! You're fat because you eat that delicious... I mean, that unhealthy swine! You're an idiot if you don't eat Subway sandwiches every day of your life! Look at me, every commercial I'm walking with a tray carrying a healthy Subway sub and a diet drink, and I'm a somebody! I'm a somebody!!!![begins weeping]" It's all becoming very uncomfortable to watch.

Even if Subway's revenue has jumped 300% (which I'm sure it has) due to Jared's story, when are they going to realize that no matter how much thinner this guy is because of eating their subs, he is a terrible salesman. He's actually making me want to eat Big Macs and gain weight just to spite him. That way I could say to him, "I may be a fat bastard, but I'm still cooler than you. And I'm not even cool!" I'm hoping it would cause him to gain it all back. That would be hilarious. That dude's a dick.