Are You Feeling Randy, Baby? (Cuz I'm Not...)

Note: Though Javen routinely shuns me for it, and likely moves me several pegs down on the respect scale, I do love American Idol and I do watch every episode every week. So here are some quick-hit thoughts about the "Final 20."

• I am totally gay for that version of "Sewing the Seeds of Love" that the Final 24 did last week.
  
• That Phil Stacey guy had my vote when he did the "Eccentric" dance in the Final 24 montage. I feel like I could pal around with him and Chris Sligh.
  
• Brandon Rogers is one handsome black man. Nice smile. To answer your next question, no, I'm straight.
  
• I thought A.J. Tabaldo was surprisingly good (although The Hoff didn't think so).
  
• I think that Beat-Boxin' Blake Lewis guy is a one-trick pony. He looked like a joke tonight.
  
• Jared Cotter is far too impressed with his own looks, and sang a boring version of the most contrived "lets-you-and-me-go-have-sex-with-each-other" song of all time ("Let's Get it On"). Nicholas Pedro is a meat-head; he and his girlfriend will be broken up in three weeks.
  
• I thought Chris Richardson was not impressive. He always bobs around like Michael J. Fox holding a runaway paint-mixer. He is a good-looking guy, but I thought that Jason Mraz song he sung was crap.
  
• I hate looking at Sundance Head. He is especially meaty. Besides, how can I root for someone whose dad raised him to hate the Beatles?! Sanjaya needs to grow a pair of testicles.
  
• I was impressed with the song selections of half of the male Idols, even if only due to the fact that they weren't the same Stevie Wonder/Josh Groban/R.Kelly bullshit we're used to. (I am NOT saying that Stevie Wonder is bullshit, by the by, I'm only saying that they always pick him, and usually pick his worst songs.)
  

[I will update this post tomorrow for the girls.]
But that's not the real reason I'm here tonight...

The real reason I asked you to come here tonight is to reveal my long-simmering hatred for Randy Jackson. I used to find him harmless, like a kind of Al Roker with street cred. (Granted, that street cred came from playing keyboard for Journey, but that's still more than most people have.) He always seemed to be the balance between Paula Abdul's smiling/clapping obsequiousness and Simon's mean-spirited, soul-crushing insults.

So it naturally took me a while (maybe three full seasons) to realize that Randy is completely worthless, utterly without merit and 100% irreplaceable. In fact, I would say that I (aka me) should be Randy's replacement, heaven forbid anything happen to him, or in the event that someone at Idol catches wind of this blog and is convinced I am right. And I'm pretty convincing, let's face it.

Let us break down what it is about Mr. Jackson that is so -- not hateful, what's the word? -- insipid.

1. He is ugly as shit. Seriously, look at this guy. The stupid, round, bald head. The thick as a coke-bottle glasses. The blank-stare. His big, stupid hands with his big stupid gold ring. His stupid solid gold earrings. His big gaudy watch. The way he has been covering his head in disgust lately when he sees something he doesn't like. The stupid, wishy-washy look on his face when he says, "It wasn't good, duuude...." He's like the black version of Jared from the Subway ads, minus the huge gums or the sibilant "S." Can someone from wardrobe just put a bag over his stupid head? (That applies to Randy OR Jared, take your pick.)
   
   
2. His forced humor and gregariousness. This is always an awkward moment: Paula and Simon get into one of their patented fights, Paula is fuming, Simon is smiling. And then Randy jumps in with his, "Oh yo! Did you hear that Ryan? It sounds like Paula thinks Simon got it wrong! What do you think audience?!" And then of course the audience gets up and cheers like the Third Reich, no matter how horrible the performance was. Randy always wants to be the good guy, and plays on the crowd's pseudo-hatred for Simon, as if anyone has ever NOT supported one of the performers at any time in the history of the show. They gave a freaking standing ovation to Nikki McKibbon for chrissakes. Randy might as well stand up and say, "Yo, how many people in the house support the heroic passengers of Flight 93? Yeeah-yeeah!"
   
   It's even worse when he tries to make an original joke or be funny in any way. I can't even give an example because they are all too horrifying.
   
   ...and last but not least...
   
   
3. He is a professional musician, yet he is too inarticulate to explain anything about music. This is the one that really chaps my ass, and this is why I should replace him. Other than popularizing the term "pitchy," he has never had one piece of useful feedback to any contestant. All his input amounts to "I liked it" or "I didn't like it."
   
   He will spew the phrases "worked it out" or "did your thing" or "you gotta bring it EVERY NIGHT" or other such meaningless hot air that add up to jack squat in terms of constructive musical instruction. (Note: A fun game is the "A.I. Drinking Game" where you drink every time Randy says "Yo," "Pitchy," "Hot," "Dawg," or any phrases of your choosing. Make sure you are doing this at home because you are not driving anywhere until tomorrow.
   
   

   Here is some sample feedback from Randy tonight:
   

   
   
   • To Phil: He done put it on blast boys, that was hot, Phil, man.
     
   • To Jared: So yo Jared man, I don't know if you took chances, but yo, I kinda liked it.
     
   • To AJ: So check it out, you know what's good about this? It was so much better than last week. At least it proves you definitely got skills. It was kinda nice though!
     
   • To Sanjaya: So listen man, uh ... God ... y'know, look...
     
   • To Chris S.: You were actually pretty good last week, but this was even better. You got that big voice man, and you got skills too, so always rely on that and use that. You know what I'm sayin'?
     
   • To Blake: Alright so yo, baby, that's what I'm talkin' bout.
     
   • To Brandon: Every time you guys get up here -- for me? -- you gotta show what you got, man. I mean and it just -- [tsk] -- it was just kinda boring for me actually.
     
   • To Chris R.: I think that was hotter than the original, dawg. That was hot right there!
     
   • To Sundance: See man, you gotta show people that you got all o'dat.... You dropped a bomb on 'em tonight!

   
   
   All that advice is gold, young singers. GOLD!
   
   Rather than actually tell the singers what was wrong with them (like -- perfect example -- telling Sanjaya he should have just belted one out), he chooses to speak in trite platitudes and ostensibly "hip" words.
   
   My good friend Doug Gorman made a key observation as well. Randy always starts off a sentence intending to make a point, says the word "but" and then continues the sentence following his original thought. For example, he would say, "I was a little worried that you weren't gonna be good when you came out here, Tamika ... BUT ... it wasn't good."
   
   Also, his collection of annoying catch-phrases ("We got a hot ONE!", "You're in the Dawg Pound!", "Yeeeah Yeeeah Yeeeah!", "You gotta bring it EVERY NIGHT") are so lame and contrived that he makes Stuart Scott look like Vince Vaughn in Swingers. (Boy that last sentence was very Bill Simmons-esque, wasn't it? Still, I stand by it. At least I can sort of write. Sometimes.)
   

Yes, I would like to replace Randy. I'm funnier (and that's not saying I'm funnier, because Sophie's Choice is funnier than Randy is), I'm just as fat, I have an equal grasp of musical terminology, I'm blacker, and I could actually hold my own with Simon in terms of being an arrogant asshole. Plus, mine and Simon's vitriol toward each other would hold much more weight since Irish and English don't get along. America would wait every week for one of our seven-second staredowns, ending in a headshake and sneer of disgust by each before kicking it back to Seacrest for commercial.

So let's get that letter-writing campaign going! Send me through to Hollywood, baby, YEEAH YEEAH!