Mastur-Gate: Carl Monday vs. Mike Cooper

Deadspin is my new favorite website. They brought the phrase "You're with me, Leather" to the forefront (a phrase, by the way, which I believe will replace "I'm Not Gonna Pay a Lot For this Muffler" as America's most uttered sentence), mocks Stuart Scott mercilessly and have awesome clips of people doing weird things on old Nintendo systems. It's a great site, and you should check it at least three times a day.

One of the gems they have been following is that of the case of Carl Monday and Mike Cooper. Carl Monday is Cleveland's Investigative reporter, and as he was doing a story about sexual deviants hanging around libraries, he ran into a poor, unfortunate soul named Mike Cooper.

Turns out Cooper is a Cleveland-area masturbator who likes to pull it out in public places, such as the library. And when Carl Monday's hidden cameras caught the young man in the act, they had to confront him. And it's pretty intense. (The video is below. The original Deadspin post is here.)



So anyway, turns out Cooper got arrested. So our intrepid Carl Monday went to the hearing. What followed was another explosion from Cooper (who apparently took his crank out of his hand for long enough to try and shove Monday and swear at a cameraman). And his dad cold flipped out before a valiant cop came to the rescue to diffuse the situation. You can see the aftermath here. (Update: here is the YouTube link.)



Here is my ultimate question, and try to follow me here: I have masturbated in a lot of public places. And I mean a lot. Libraries? Oh sure, makes sense. There are computers and lots of tissues at the librarians' stations. But I'm talking public parks, hockey games, press conferences, the Thruway, while mowing the lawn. Any time there is a free second to be had, I'm gonna pull it out and just go to town. But I have never actually been caught! Or if I have been caught the Peeping Tom who busted me has never had the gall to bring it up.

But if I were like Cooper, and not only caught spanking it in public, but caught on camera (and by the way, he had been kicked out of libraries before for pleasuring himself previously), I would be keeping a low profile instead of starting even more drama by throwing reporters' microphones and swearing and yelling. If you get nailed doing a Pee-Wee Herman, just keep your head down, your mouth shut, and do your perp walk to your mini-van for that long, awkward ride home with mom and dad. At first I felt kinda bad for the poor guy, but now it's clear he deserves it.