Jackassery and Superfluous Rumination

For lack of a better topic...

• I got a new phone the other day and it kicks ass. I wish I could take a camera phone picture and show it to you, but that would be like some sort of infinite regression or Moebius strip or some such thing. It takes video, good pictures (for a change) and I can look at internet sites on it (all part of the package, baby). I was able to check this blog and my email from my phone. I mean are you kidding me, baby??? A little Dick Vitale there for all you hoops fans. I have Kansas winning it all, by the way. We'll see.
  
• I did two things yesterday: 1) Put my boxers on backwards when I got dressed. I realized it at about 1:30 pm at work when I was trying to take a piss and couldn't find the opening through which a man puts his thingamajig and releases the toxins from his body. And I've heard all the "opening in the back for easy access" jokes, so save it! 2) Sprained my right ankle by walking. I've been running at the gym for about two weeks and I sprain it walking. I'm a freakin' idiot. Can't go back to the gym for a few days. Maybe I'll just get fat for a few more weeks.
  
• I'm thinking of doing something leprechaunish with my facial hair. I might actually trim off the 'stache part of the face and keep the chinstrap, so I look like a real Mick. I've never tried it, and yes, I know, it's just hair and it grows back, but that is a seriously risky proposition. I don't know if I'll have the courage.
  
• I have been adding more beers to my profile on Beer Advocate, and I am up to about 130 or so now. A few more and my status gets bumped up. It's good to be recognized by a computer for being a filthy drunk.
  
• I am getting no joy out of that Dateline NBC "To Catch a Predator" show anymore. There used to be a sort of weird, perverse joy I used to get out of watching these pervs get busted, but now it's just sad. These guys are all clearly a few sandwiches short of a picnic. And there is something just wrong about those guys in Texas and Florida who got arrested just for having a conversation alone, and not even meeting up with the person. Look, I am no fan of these pederasts (12 year olds, dude), but there is something very Minority Report about arresting men who truly didn't do anything (like that assistant DA who shot himself when they found out he was having a conversation). Of course it's wrong, but something just doesn't sit right with me about it. Also, having the cops there yelling "get on the ground! GET ON THE GROUND!" is excessive. I know they need to catch these guys, but having like a dozen 250-lb cops bumrush some piece of white trash (or middle Eastern, strangely) is just shooting fish in a barrel.
  
• To answer a friend's question, St. Patrick lived sometime (probably) in the 5th century. He is credited with two things: driving the snakes from Ireland (the "snakes" in question are more than likely a symbol for the Druids and the pagans), and introducing the concept of the holy trinity. Patrick used the shamrock as a symbol for one being having three distinct parts (nominus padre, e fili, e spiritus santi). Whether he actually did either of those things is unknown, but he is the symbol of Irish people. Today he is a symbol of rampant pugnacious hooligans chugging beer and throwing down, as well as furniture sales held by leprechauns. Not a bad legacy. Marh 17th is believed to be the date of his death, not his birthday, and interestingly, he is the patron Saint of both Ireland and Nigeria. [Insert Shaquille O'Neal joke here.]
  
• I watched a show over the weekend called "Knowing You, Knowing Me with Alan Partridge." It's a fake talk show and it's one of the funnier discoveries I've made in a while. It's British. I laughed my ass off for a good deal of it. There are only 6 episodes, and the only way I could find it was by mail-order video rental. It's worth a look. The Alan Partridge character is a kind of cross between David Brent from the original UK version of "The Office," Larry King, and Larry Sanders. It's a very funny little program.
  

Okay I'm done.