Tuesday, April 17, 2007

It's Cheap But It Gets the Job Done

I know, this is gonna be another cheap post just to make sure I get something in for April. I have a really long one (related to rap music) that I've been working on for a couple weeks, but that one's only about half done. Instead, just the crap that's out there right now:

  • That South Korean asshole who shot up Va-Tech the other day was clearly a piece of garbage. Just because you are a "loner" doesn't excuse you for being a worthless, cowardly bitch who has start indiscrimnately shooting at unarmed people. And wearing a bullet-proof vest no less! I half-wish I could shoot myself so I could descent down to hell myself and hunt this fucker down and beat his fucking head in with a spiked bat for a half hour. He ended up taking the cowardly way out anyway by blowing his own brains out, so he wouldn't have to deal with any consequences. I personally believe that the names of these shooters should not be made public, because it only gives them the recognition they clearly want. Instead, we should give them pseudonyms: This loser could be the "Wah-Wah Nobody Likes Me Cuz I Smell Like Feces" killer. ("Boo-Hoo" would also work, as long as the news anchor frowns and rubs his or her eyes when saying it.) The Columbine kids should be "Two Faggots." (They would hate that name so much.) The douche who caused the 1927 Bath School Disaster could be the "Tiny Dick Bomber." Since these fuckbags take the easy way out, this is probably the best way to punish them.
  • Black people: Get over Imus. Get over words. If you told a black man 50 years ago that a washed up DJ saying "Nappy Headed Hoes" (the correct spelling by the way, not "hos") is the worst you would get, I'm sure that gentleman would be thrilled. The double standard has got to stop. Play the song "B**ches Ain't S**t" by Dr. Dre or basically anything by Snoop and you will hear far worse. And where the hell was Reverend Al after charges were dropped in the Duke Rape Case? A case that made three asshole college kids look like martyrs. Or after that thug beat up that old white lady? Or that fight between African-American teenagers during a high school basketball game at Madison Square Garden? Which of these do you think is more damaging to the image of black people in this country? Why does the reverend absolve his own community of pretty serious ills, yet go after a shock-jock for a throw-away comment? You are next, black folks: rap lyrics and comedy routines are going to be held under scrutiny from now on. Or at least they should be.
  • My Buffalo Sabres were the best team in the NHL this year, and hopefully will be able to fly through the first round of the playoffs. I'm hoping the Game 2 loss to the Islanders will galvanize them to not take any team for granted and not get cocky. The swagger I like; the cockiness not so much. They can beat any team in the league, and they have to learn to do it in the playoffs. If they can stay healthy and keep their scoring mojo going, they will be tough to beat. Oh how a Stanley Cup would bring such joy to my life! There is a 6,000 seat waiting list for season tickets. If Ralph Wilson ever dies, I'm hoping that Tom Golisano buys the Bills. He seems to know what he's doing.
  • I think I might have to crown Stone Brewery's Ruination IPA as my favorite beer. (You can visit my Beer Advocate profile by visiting my link on the blogroll to the right. You can also feel free to present me with six- or twelve-packs of beer at your leisure.) A little tip for all my female friends out there, especially those of you who don't like beer all that much: try the "Hanami Ale" by Smuttynose Brewery(you can find it in most good beer stores). It has a nice cherry fruitiness and it's quite delicious.
  • NFL Draft weekend is 10 days away. As many of you know, we have a bit of a blowout planned at my Grant Bully Compound for Saturday and Sunday. It starts at noon-sharp, so chop-chop. There will be libations and lively conversation. If you were not familiar with this event, please get in touch with me on my mobile phone for directions. There will be a couple of door prizes, hopefully only a few dangits, but a hatful of fancy-plays. Oh, and bring as many jerseys as you can: there might be a few surprises in store!
  • American Idol has one more show to convince me to keep watching. Here is what I can tell you about this season: The judges picked a pretty weak Top 24, Sanjaya is not horrible but he's not good, Haley could not sing at all but had killer legs and a cute smile, Latin and Pop Music weeks were dull as dogshit, I hate Blake and his stupid phony beatboxing, Lakisha might not be bad looking if she dropped 187 lbs and got her teeth fixed, I think Jordin is the dark horse, Phil seems like a dude but also kinda looks like Gollum, I like Chris now that he stopped bobbing his head like an epileptic. This show has got to get better this year, though. The songs are bad, the singers are average. Melinda is the only one who you can count on, and she's so good that it's boring. This could be the year that A.I. finally jumps the shark.
  • Saw Blades of Glory. Loved every second. Toastie didn't seem as impressed, but I couldn't stop smiling. And the girl who plays Pam on The Office looked surprisingly cute.

Okay, that's all I got. I promise when my internet comes back up I'll start crankin' em out again.


Dunford said...

Good god, Blades of Glory was funny.

How awesome is Will Arnett?

"wax my juggs"

Eileen said...

You, sir, are a delight.