And what should I liveblog? Well, of course, American Idol. Not only do I have a love/hate relationship with this show, but it is such wonderfully fertile fodder for snarky quips and salient observations. This season, my feeling for the show has been much more hate than love. The contestants have been (although arguably the most talented) certainly the most bland, the songs and celebrity mentors have been mostly lame-o (although they did mercifully not subject us to the wax-faced Barry Manilow again this year), and my hatred for the mush-mouthed Randy Jackson has reached a fever pitch. Combine that with the fact that last night's Idol finale between David Cook and David Archleta was the worst on record (not in terms of the singing but in terms of the show's production value), and I think I'm ready to finally release a torrent of cathartic venom on this capsizing ship. Lord forgive me (or at least Javen forgive me).
Plus, I am going to drink while I'm doing it. Times are Eastern Standard.
Let's blog it out.
Beer #1: Ommegang Abbey Ale out of a tulip glass. Yes, a tulip glass. Oh how I love to put my lips on a tulip glass. Despite the fact that I am liveblogging American Idol, I am still heterosexual. But then again, the show is two hours long, and who knows what could happen.
8:00. Okay, this boxing/gladitator/Rocky IV thing has got to stop already. Last night it was Jim Lampley and Michael Buffer speaking in lame-ass boxing metaphors. Tonight, the show opens on the Davids both dressed in pure white, staring each other down under a hot spotlight. Don't they realize that these two are both colossal pussbags and can't look intimidating not matter how hard they stare at each other? Give it a rest, Idol; Jon Heder looked more intimidating in "Blades of Glory."
It seems like they are going to do a repeat of last night, where it was less a celebration of music and the contestants -- as it had been in the past -- and this attempt to make it more "confrontational," even though I've seen more machismo in "The Birdcage." If this was between Syesha and either of the Davids, at least we would have been spared this faux-intensity.
8:01. Was that Lori Laughlin in the audience??? Have mercy! Wait, how the hell did she score tickets?
8:02. Randy Jackson is dressed like Austin Powers, Paula looks pretty good. Simon still dresses like Tom Jones (the singer or the Albert Finney character, take your pick). Randy is the king of false jocularity, shouting "Boo!" when they announce Simon's name. He's so playful and not at all forced.
8:03. Mikayla Gordon and Matt Rogers are reporting from Kansas City Moe and Salt Lake City, respectively. The one in SLC looks like an Aryan youth rally. Relax, I only mean because there are so many white people there. And they probably do all hate black people. Except Karl Malone of course.
8:04. The Idols come out in matching white outfits and perform "Get Ready" by either the Four Tops or the Temptations. I am totally gay for these performances, even though they always end up looking like an Up With People performance. I see Syesha is pulling a Haley Scarnato and showing off her legs. Too little too late, Syeesh.
It is weird to see all the Idols who got booted off. I had just assumed they all went into some sort of exile. It's nice to Brooke White back, dancing incredibly awkwardly. I've seen a more natural arm motion on Rick Allen.
8:10. Fine, so I'm actually digging the version of "Hero" that the Davids are doing. Their harmonics are actually working for me. Maybe all the song really ever needed was less Chad Kroeger. If Cook sang this last night, he would have won for sure. (Current Gay-O-Meter: 7/10) Jesus, they are really gonna milk the shit outta this show aren't they? It's only ten after.
8:12. I can already tell this Guru Pitka business is going to be a Mike Myers mug-fest. Ok the Sitar Hero thing kinda made me laugh. Crap, that was actually kind of amusing. I hate laughing at corny shit. Archuleta said that he didn't have any idea what the Guru was talking about; I just realized he was born in 1991 or 1992 (Wikipedia says just a few days before New Year's of 1991). Holy shit I am old; certainly too old to be liveblogging American Idol. Well, either way, within the next few days Archuleta will be swimming in teenaged ass.
8:18. Syesha and Seal. Syesha looks hot. So does Seal! I've moved on to Beer #2 Middle Ages ImPaled Ale. It looks like Syesha has really tried to shed the Bohemian look in the last few weeks, letting her curly hair go straight. It's gettin' the job done, although I still don't like her self-satisfied smirk. I just saw Joel McHale from The Soup. How can he make fun of this show if he's there?
8:21. So Jessica Alba is in that "Love Guru" movie eh? And Stephen Colbert?? And Jim GAFFIGAN??? I'm so effing there.
8:25. Seacrest says that interviewing Jason Castro was "lit'rally like pulling teeth." Was it? Really? Jason's version of "Hallelujah" is actually pretty good. Come to think of it, he could do pretty well putting out albums that sound like Jeff Buckley. Hopefully he doesn't jump into Wolf River and drown.
8:28. The obligatory "best-of" the behind the scenes of the Idols just havin' fun on the sets of all their Ford commercials. Just pallin' around, making faces and having a wonderful time.
8:29. These two pricks each get a hybrid car? Got-dammit. Archuleta's mom is not bad looking for whatever her age might be.
8:30. No human being has ever looked more out of place than Amanda Overmeyer looks singing Donna Summer. That little 4'6" Ramiele Malubay is so damn cute; I just wanna put her in my pocket like one of those little Tamagotchi pets. Donna Summer not looking too awful for her age, although she does look pregnant. Better than Gloria Gaynor at least. Eesh. Good lord Seacrest was just dancing. I have moved onto Beer #3, Middle Ages Swallow Wit Belgian White. Paula stands and claps, and I think I just saw Fantasia Barrino with fire-truck red hair; and I thought she couldn't get less attractive.
8:36. The preview for "The Incredible Hulk" is showing. Okay, here's my main issue. They improved a lot it seems: better actor playing Bruce Banner (Edward Norton this time, although Eric Bana is no slouch), looks like more action and less brooding psychobabble. But they have the SAME STUPID-LOOKING CARTOON HULK. They couldn't find a way to make the Hulk have a realistic-looking face this time?! It's like they took the same damn special effects and just shifted them over to this movie. The Hulk from the Ang Lee version didn't work because the Hulk -- the actual creature -- never felt real. It looks like a CGI graphic with a cartoon face. If you are gonna reboot the damn franchise, reboot the damn avatar while you're at it too. No wonder Ed Norton isn't doing any promotions for the movie. Pee break!
8:39. Angering Lou Dobbs, Pat Buchanan and xenophobes everywhere, here's Carly Smithson and Michael Johns! Singing, "The Letter." These goddamnm foreigners are stealing our Vietnam anthems now? They're probably too hopped-up on Vegemite and Guinness to notice. They can sure both belt it out though.
8:43. Why does Jimmy Kimmel always look like the sun is directly in his face? I mean I'm a squinter too but I'm not on national TV. I like that they at least let him do a mini-roast, although it would have been nice to see him skewer Randy's stupid ass.
8:45. Goody, it's time to "rock out." With .... fucking Bryan Adams?? Die...all of you just die with this sentimental "I got my first real six-string" poppycock. I guess for American Idol, Bryan Adams is as close to "rocking out" as they can get. Oh. I get it. He's actually there at the theater. Well this song he's singing is garbage, must be from his new album. He must be making a comeback, since they mentioned him on "HIMYM" the other night. I need Beer #4, Middle Ages Beast Bitter. You may soon witness this normally-erudite blog's descent into incoherency.
8:53. I kinda liked that Joe Torre State Farm commercial, if only for the fact that I don't have to hate him anymore now that he's with a boring, inoffensive team. Boy, Grady Little must hate him for so many reasons.
8:55. Jordin Sparks talking about The American Idol Experience at Disney World. Oy. And no, David Cook, performing with Z.Z. Top still doesn't take the focus off of your horribly unkempt facial hair. (I know, I know, pot-kettle-black and all that. Quiet Tracie.)
8:59. Wow, Graham Nash and Brooke White singing "Teach Your Children." This song always reminds me of my mom. Their harmonics aren't quite up to CSNY-snuff, but not horrible. Brooke White should have at least put on shoes, because her protruding right foot looks as if she's been walking across hot coals and it's frankly distracting me. I want to know what the hell Crosby and Stills were too busy doing to be here for this joyous and momentous occasion. Brooke remembered all the words which is a bonus.
9:03. Oh good, the "Sex & the City" movie. A film about four aging sluts. My hatred just brought my gay level back to normal. (Gay-O-Meter: 3/10.) Pee break!
9:06. Seacrest said, "They need no intro, here's [inaudible female fan screaming]." Apparently they do need intro because I have no idea who the fuck they are. Is it Menudo? Wait, let me take a guess. [Wild guess on Wikipedia.] Yup, the Jonas Brothers. I'm glad there are kids here to pick up the mantle that Blink-182 left behind. The floppy-haired super-Menudo-looking one is wearing the shiniest silver suit I've ever seen. And I've seen a lot. I'm sure that song will really hold up a few years from now. I just saw Justin Guarini.
9:09. A "worst-of" montage from this season. Some of the freakshows of the early rounds, including the "Let my pipple GO-O-O-O!" guy. Also, the "I Am Your Brother" guy in the plush Mercury hat. Please show Milo Turk, please show Milo Turk... The USC marching band comes on for the "I Am Your Brother" guy. I would have much preferred to hear "No Sex Allowed." Wow that Marching band fiasco got so bad they had to give it the Bill Conti "play off" music and go to commercial.
9:18. Wander Republic? Juan's Republic? I have no idea who this is. Okay, I guess it's OneRepublic. Since I only listen to space radio, I have no idea who this is but I'm sure they will be a huge, Coldplay-level band within the next 6 months based on this appearance. It worked for Rascal Flats. This song isn't terrible, but definitely fits into the Keane /Coldplay /Aqualung /James Blunt motif. This is the kind of music Archuleta is going to be making. This or Josh Groban.
9:21. Former Idol contestant (and current hair-regrowth pitchman) Matt Rogers says "the biggest party in Utah is happening right here." That's like saying, "The biggest orgy in the Vatican...." Archuleta's dad is there; seems like a sweet old man but he clearly raised a real prick for a son.
9:23. Jordin Sparks singing in a large shiny gold dress. I'm sure this song is popular but it sounds like any crappy Kelly Rowland song and she is way the crap off-key. At least I don't have to look up Blake Lewis's nose for this portion of the show. Speaking of which, I wonder if all the previous six Idol winners will be there. So far I've seen Reuben, Jordin and Fantasia. Kelly, Carrie and Taylor Hicks are heretofore conspicuously absent.
9:27. Wow, another manchild Adam Sandler movie. Glad to see how much he's evolved as an ACK-tor. I wonder if he will beat up someone in the movie who was mean to him earlier in the movie.
9:31. Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey Jr. as the Pips. I'm not sure how funny this actually is, but there is something great about seeing a method actor like Robert Downey, Jr. slumming it. He looks amazing in that new "Tropic Thunder" movie, by the way.
9:35. Ahh, here comes Carrie Underwood. And speaking of showing a little leg! I hope TMZ has a cameraman standing in the front row. You gotta hand it to Carrie for staying loyal to Idol. I know why Kelly Clarkson has beef with the show, but for pete's sake, just show up once a year. For the fans, Kelly, the fans! Like ME! (Gay-O-Meter: 10/10.) Pee break!
(On to Beer #5, Southern Tier Uber Sun. I am representin' Upstate New York tonight, my friends!)
9:42. A cool preview for a TV show upcoming, apparently on Fox. I just saw Lt. Daniels from "The Wire" (ie. the greatest show in the history of television). Apparently it's called "Fringe" and it looks kind of awesome.
9:43. "Faith" by George Michael. Huh. How 'bout that. And Kristi Lee Cook leading it off no less. It's about time she started shaking her moneymaker. Amanda Overmeyer's voice sounds like when Maya Rudolph used to be that character on Saturday Night Live who called a Hyundai a "Hy-UN-Die-ay." Uh-oh, Michael Johns is singing "Father Figure." Could George Michael (the singer-songwriter) be in the house????
9:44. Wait for it..........
9:45. Here comes "Freedom '90." (Gay-O-Meter: still 10/10.)
9:46. Oh please, George Michael, be there. You were on the "Extras" Christmas Special, surely you can slum it for just a few minutes.
9:47. BOO-YAA! He's still a ladies man! Although he's dressed strangely like a cross between Bono and a priest. Boy his voice sure sounds off though. Paula is crying. PAULA IS CRYING!
9:53. Okay, we have the new American Idol coming up.... after the break. Break out the confetti and tears and Paula's arhythmic clapping.
9:57. Final thoughts of the year by the judges. Randy: you dudes brought it down to the wire, you're both winners. Paula: I'm honored, you two are truly amazing. It's the beginning of the destiny of your career. Simon: It wasn't so clear cut as we called it. I don't really care who wins, I think you've both done terrific.
9:58. The pencil-pusher with the results. And the winner is...
10:00. Of course, my DVR stops about 5 seconds before they announce the winner. Goddamn fucking Fox. Oh well, I guess there's no way to find out now.
Well, whoever won, they are both winners in my book. I hope you enjoyed taking this little journey with me. I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to watch next year. Not without a ton of alcohol. Oh well, it's onto Beer #6, The Duke of Winship. See ya next year!