Quiet You

Two people who need to shut the fuck up this week:

OSAMA BIN LADEN

Osama Osama Osama.... baby, you are looking desperate. This is the 32nd tape you've put out since 9/11. That's about four per year. People still hate you because you are a big-lipped, shit-spewing asshole. But your act is tired. Is there anybody in the world who ISN'T Satan? You went from looking like this bizarro Malcolm X type guy to some panhandler standing at a corner raving about how the stop signs are the antichrist. Your need for attention is approaching Roger Clemens/Pete Dougherty-like proportions. (Although I'm still not convinced that you are more of an asshole than Clemens is. Might be a dead-heat.) You are a very sad man ... although not as sad as you will be when they finally find you. Ouch, that's gonna be a rough one!

WILLIAM KRISTOL of the Weekly Standard

He said this week: “Only six months into the new administration, even a talented hot air blower like President Obama, assisted by friendly gusts of wind from the media, is having trouble keeping the liberal blimp afloat.”

Sweetheart, when you have been wrong about EVERYTHING THAT YOU HAVE SAID in the last eight years, you lose your seat at the table to gloat. First of all, let's explain why the media is usually more liberal: it's because throughout history, the political regimes that have been the most unkind to the media (locking them up, torturing them, etc.) have been extreme right-wing governments, such as Soviet Russia, East Germany, North Korea, etc. That is why most "Hollywood types" tend to be liberal too: because it's the conservatives who are mostly in favor of censorship. (The "Reverend" Al Sharpton and his hair-trigger minions excepted.)

He said notably, "There's been a certain amount of pop sociology in America ... that the Shia can't get along with the Sunni and the Shia in Iraq just want to establish some kind of Islamic fundamentalist regime. There's almost no evidence of that at all. Iraq's always been very secular." (2003, source)

Eric Alterman notes the following prescient predictions by Kristol:

• In the opening moments of the Monica Lewinsky scandal, Kristol insisted, "We are now in the final days." He intoned, "If the President lied to the American People...he's finished."
  
  
• When the Starr report was issued, causing almost universal revulsion among Americans, Kristol wrote a cover editorial for his magazine that headlined the report Starr's Home Run, portraying its author as Mark McGwire and calling for Clinton's immediate impeachment.

Not to mention sloppy misquotes, out-of-left-field comments and an epic 2003 C-Span interview that you might think was conducted by The Onion or Phil Hendrie.

Billy Boy, you really are George Costanza: a guy who would be right all the time if he just did the opposite of what his instincts tell him. Since you are wrong about just about everything that you say, you just need to shut the fuck up for a little while. Thanks bud.