Sunday, August 30, 2009

Thruway Driving and You

I consider myself an excellent driver. Others don't, but I do. If there is one skill I have, it's driving on the New York State Thruway. I-90 is my turf, either east- or westbound, and I make the rules. If you don't want to follow them, you need to take back roads. Period.

My greatest gift in Thruway driving is "clearing the lane," as the Bohall calls it. It consists of unclogging the logjam in the left lane, like a quadruple bypass through an atery. I do this by tailgating and aggressive/copious use of turn signals (the tailgating + "hey, move it asshole" signal is a favorite). If you are in front of me, you are moving too slowly. I have shit to do, you are in my way.

There are a few simple rules of Thruway driving, and today, most people didn't care to follow any of them. So for those that forgot them, here they are:
  • When in the left/passing lane, drive faster than the car to your right, or I will tailgate you. This is the simplest and most important rule in the book; if you can't follow it, you should not be operating a motor vehicle.

  • Don't pull in front of me and then slow down, for I will stalk you and kill you. You can wait to do whatever it is you have to do; I can't.

  • If there is no one in front of you, you need to drive faster, or I will eat your children. The Thruway is utilitarian; it is not meant for sight-seeing. If you want sight-seeing, get off at the next fucking exit and take the one-lane roads, dick.

  • If you are to the left of me, hovering, and I put my left signal on, pass me, or I will throw a molotov cocktail through your window. It's a hint that you are driving like an asshole; take this nugget and learn from it.

  • You should be driving at least 80 miles per hour any time you are in the left hand lane. The one exception is when you are coming up upon one of those "Don't U-Turn" signs, since that's where cops live. At this point, you may slow down to 75. If you don't do this, I will sideswipe you into the median.

  • Get off your fucking phone if it causes you to drive 60 mph on the Thruway. I have places to be and I don't want to have to wait for your fucking ass.

  • If you are in the left/passing lane, and multiple people are passing you on the right, take the hint and get the hell over. It's the driver's version of calling you incompetent at your task.

  • Do not, under any goddamn circumstances, let an 18-wheeler pull in front of you in the passing lane. Pass it, and let it wait until there is NO ONE behind it. Eighteen-wheelers are the anti-Christ; if you help them, you are part of the problem.

  • If you are in front of me, and I am up on your ass, and you hit your brakes to try and scare me, you might as well pick up that cell phone to call your relatives and say good-bye, because you have just signed your own death warrant.
No one enjoys driving on the Thruway, but it is a straight line, so we all have to deal with it. If you can't handle it, stick to the bunny slope, newb. If I see you out there and you can't follow all of the rules, you'll know I'm there soon enough.

1 comment:

DG Dunford said...

This might be my favorite thing ever.