Rockin' Chicks

I'd have to say that there is a great dearth of female musicians in my music collection and I'm not sure why. Just because I feel like it, here are some pretty kick ass videos featuring female vocalists.

Sara Bareilles - "Love Song" (i know i'm super gay for liking this song but it's pretty awesome)


Dresden Dolls - "Girl Anachronism"


The New Pornographers - "Mass Romantic" (not the official video, but the best version of the song I could find online)


Melissa Auf der Maur - "Followed the Waves"


Metric - "I.O.U."


The Blow - "True Affection"


Cat Power - "He War"


Lily Allen - "Smile"


KT Tunstall - "Suddenly I See" (holy God am I gay)


Yael Naim - "New Soul"


The Fiery Furnaces - "Japanese Slippers"


Liz Phair - "Stratford-on-Guy"


Zero 7 - "Destiny (acoustic)"


Feist - "My Moon My Man" (everyone knows her from the iPod commercial but this whole album is pretty damn good)


And who could forget my future wife, Robin Sparkles....

Techie Bullshit

As I sit here typing this, I am anxiously awaiting my fresh-out-the-box Dell Inspiron 1720 laptop. There is nothing I love more than new toys, and this time I decided to get something that was in my price range, but not so much that I would be paying it off for years and years like I did with my 1999 Gateway piece of crap that cost me $1800 and has a whopping 8GB of hard disk space.

I literally have to go to the DHL place within the next two hours and pick it up, and while I'm completely sittin' on bone waiting for my baby to get here, I can't help but be scared shitless as well.

The last year and a half or so have not been kind to me, technology-wise. I have suffered a rash of strange technology-related mishaps in the last several months, and they are simply too bizarre to be a coincidence. If this laptop breaks down on me, I am moving to Amish country.

Lest I abandon my favorite bullet-point format, let me give you a brief rundown of the electronic and mechanical disasters that have befallen me:

• My iPod completely craps out on me for no reason in Spring of 2006, giving me a frowny-face and leaving me to actually purchase a CD player so I don't have to sleep in silence.
  
  
• The stereo that I have hooked up to my TV to give me that wonderful surround-sound the kids talk so much about, just completely dies in the middle of watching TV. The sound goes out, leaving me to have to use my crappy TV speakers.
  
  
• I get three flat tires within the last year, all different tires. In addition, I can't get my car inspection done becuause my "Service Engine Soon" light won't go off and no one can find out how to fix it. I end up having to take the DMV's offer to allow inspection if I spend $350 or more on the servicing of the car.
  
  
• When I moved to my new place, I went months without internet service because I didn't have Windows XP and it took the 9th Time Warner tech support person to tell me that I needed XP in order to run Roadrunner. So I bought XP for $100 and finally it worked... but on a slow-ass computer that takes two hours to boot up, let alone download any good porn music.
  
  
• I bought a computer on Craigs List in June of last year. It worked great until about November when it started to be slower and slower to boot up. Soon it wasn't working at all. And when I tried to open it up to see what was wrong with it (which is like a monkey trying to fix a wristwatch) it had some sort of power surge and fried the entire motherboard.
  
  
• I stupidly asked for an iPod for Christmas, even knowing my computer wasn't in working condition. I had to beg friends to use their iTunes to set it up so that I didn't need to run iTunes. About two months into using the iPod, the screen crapped out, even though it played fine. I had to get it replaced, which included having to reload all the songs I had taken hours upon hours to load. (Side note: when I took the iPod back to the Apple store to have it looked at, the guy said, "Well that happens sometimes if you use a music manager other than iTunes." Nice try dude. If that's true, then Apple products are pieces of shit.)
  
  
• Last year on Memorial Day weekend, I got a phone call and picked it up and said "hello, hello, hello" and no one would answer. It turned out that my brand new phone's earphone died out of nowhere, forcing me to talk via Bluetooth or speakerphone only until I got it replaced.
  
  
• Oh I forgot to mention, the phone I talked about one paragraph above? I got it off of Ebay for about $175. It was an exact duplicate of another phone I had gotten for like $50 with my upgrade. Why did I have to get that $50 version replaced? Oh yeah, because I ran over it with my car when it dropped out of my pocket (fine, it dropped out of a dorky belt-clip) as I got out of my car.
  

I think that's the list, for the most part. And yet, the ancient Toshiba DVD player that I purchased in the year 2000 (for a then-bargain $300) is still going strong after all these years. Of course, by saying that I'm sure I just jinxed it.

I think back to the days of yore when people didn't even have these technological advancements and think, "Well I have it so much easier than they had it and so therefore I should be thankful." But I'm not; I'm spoiled. I would rather have never heard of the existence of the iPod than for it to crap out on me -- twice. I had no idea 15 years ago that not having the internet (which I didn't at the time, I might add) would be as alienating and soul-sapping as it is.

Even when my technology works, something goes bad. One time I was awaiting a very important phone call on my cell phone. In the 5 minute window in which that call was supposed to come in, the bars went away. I happened to notice this and had a conniption. I tried making an outbound call....nothing. It just said "Emergency calls only." I tried calling my voice mail just to get an answer. Not a peep. Of course, it turns out that the phone call I had so desperately been awaiting came in exactly within that 5 minute window, and I missed it, and missed out.

So we shall see if my voyage into the world of laptop computers will be short-lived or whether I can actually get some staying power in this technological world. If you don't hear from me for a while after today, you'll know why.

----

And one to grow on...

Not off to a good start. I called DHL today to find out when I could pick up my package since I wasn't home to sign for it. The guy at customer service told me to pick it up between 7:45 and 8:15 because the package wouldn't be back at the DHL place until then. He said they were open until 8:45 so I could pick it up then. So I drive out all over hell's half acre (on a soft tire, go figure) and pull up to the place. Yeah, they close at 7. Goddammit.

Ross Gary Glen

From one of my top five all-time favorite movies comes this re-cut version of "Glengarry Glen Ross" with nothing but the curse words left in. This is pound-for-pound the most profane movie in the history of movies, with the F-word uttered something like 143 times. Amazing! So turn up the volume and enjoy.



I also enjoy this preview which re-envisions the movie as a gay love story.


Although I didn't realize that all the characters in the play/movie actually just had Tourette's.

Old Job, New Job, No Job

It has been a long, excruciating time for you, and for that I apologize. The computer with which I usually compose the tomes you are accustomed to reading on this page was rendered woefully inadequate by something Ben Franklin liked to call "electricity." My 5-month old computer was fried after having been acting like a spoiled bitch for a couple of weeks. Finally it decided to give up on life and take the cowards way out. And after all I gave it. For shame.

Anyway, a coworker has graciously allowed me to use her computer for a little while until I can save up the ducats to buy a new one. (If anyone sees a hot price on a good laptop, call me.) Some things have changed since my last post, so I'll just give a quick rundown.

I just finished the third full week of a new job within the company I've been with for the last 7 years. I work for a large health insurance company in Central New York, and I went from the Customer Service department -- where I had served in a couple different functions over the last 3/4 of a decade -- to an internal auditing department. You know how you will complain about how inefficient your insurance company is? My job is to try and fix that.

It is a welcome departure from the previous 5 months, where my department turned upside down. Now that I'm out of the situation, I feel like I can vent a little about it, without naming names of course. Basically, I got a new boss, and she came into the department hating me right off the bat.

I know I know. How could someone hate me? I'm such a sweet boy. The idiot man-child who entertains all around him with his half-witted hijinks.

Basically, I had dealt with this person on a limited basis prior to her being my boss. And though I don't remember when, how or why, I must have pissed her off. I could have said the wrong thing, or stood up for myself at the wrong time in previous dealings with her, but I don't remember what I said or did.

Bottom line: she couldn't stand me. She began micromanaging even the most minute details of the job -- you know, the job I had been doing for the past two years and had actually become quite good at? We had the best January in terms of meeting goals that we've ever had since I started there, and though maybe I'm delusional about this, I took a position that had been routinely loathed within the department and made it somewhat palatable to the other employees. Not to toot my own horn, but I think I had the perfect combination of righteous anger, compassion and common sense to do that job. But I wasn't allowed to do it anymore.

Soon I realized that I was getting yelled at about things that had absolutely no fucking importance, and that my counterpart was doing the same things I was, but he was not getting reamed out for it. I knew it was time to go.

One final point: the person who was previously my boss had arrived with much fanfare, and the reputation for being brilliant and a hands-on micromanaging type. Part of this was true: she decided to basically try to do my job for me, even though I was doing it pretty well, in my own estimation. And considering she had a very high-ranking position in the company, I would think she would have more important work to do than nitpicking every spreadsheet I made that maybe four people looked for no more than 30 seconds. The brilliance, however, was a fallacy. It became apparent that she tries to intimidate people into agreement rather than keep her promise of "open dialogue." And what some saw as shrewd management presented itself to me as petty paranoia. The Emperor has no clothes and more people are starting to see it.

Having put my old department behind me, I am now in the polar opposite situation: a department where I was trained for about two days and then thrown to the wolves. There is no management interference, and I am expected to independently complete all my monthly projects (mission accomplished, so far). It feels like a real job, and I am expected to contribute and be self-reliant, which is an amazing 180-degree difference from the constant looking over the shoulder I had to endure at the old place. (Did I mention that my ex-boss moved her desk right next to mine? And when I left, she moved to another office within about 3 days. Yeah, it's a good thing I got out when I did or I probably would have been walked out by security.)

Bottom line: I'm really digging my new job, and my understanding is that I'm going to eventually be doing a lot of in-depth end-to-end analysis of a lot of the company's processes so I'm really excited. I have also implemented "Suit Up Fridays;" when most people are dressing down, I'm wearing a tie. That will last exactly as long as my supply of shirts and ties does, so probably one more week.

And while I'm still in the first third of my working life, I am happy to say that my old man -- the venerable Robert D. [same last name] -- went to his last day of work TODAY. Sunday will no longer bring the sadness it used to, or the "Sunday blues" as my dad calls it.

No one that I know has ever worked harder than my dad. I won't delve into the cliches of "he always put food on the table" or whatever, but the old man worked his ever-lovin' ass off every day of his life. He worked in a demanding job, dealing with a lot of difficult people (and a lot of scumbags, if you don't mind my saying). And since New York State is in such turmoil, with dumbfuck bureaucrats running amok in many of the departments, he is going to be spared having to be insulted and threatened by empty suits who don't have 1/100th the character or work ethic that he has. My dad is probably the greatest guy I know, and honestly it makes me sick to think of the abuse he has had to take in his job, mostly from pieces of crap looking for a handout. (Bob would probably not agree, but then again he doesn't have a blog now, does he?)

So to my wonderful Old Man, I say congratulations and thanks for all the great gifts you've given to me. You deserve to relax for the rest of your life and I hope you get the chance to do it. Love you, Pops.

So I only have about three more decades left until I can step out of this working life and just kick it for a while. Unless they find a way to extend our lives to 120 like they said they could on a commercial for 20/20 or Dateline or something the other day. In which case I'm gonna have to work my ass off until I'm probably 90 or so. Just my goddamn luck.

Site Alert: Stuff White People Like

I have to give major "props" to my good friend Rachel for introducing me to the brilliant website, Stuff White People Like. It is a field guide to the American Caucasian, and as Rachel's wife Doug said, it makes me feel violated.

If you are looking to learn more about why white people are the way they are, look no further. It has laid bare all the things which I thought were unique to me, but in essence are really just part of my classic whiteness. I thought I was the only one who liked Oscar Parties, irony, indie music, Arrested Development, The Daily Show/Colbert Report, and microbreweries. Alas, I am but one in a long line of lemming-like caucazoids.

Not only this, but it nails directly on the head the Top Ten Hip Hop Songs that White People Love. Please frequent it.

Crackerz Bee Hatin' on Obama

Ever since it became clear that my boy Joe Biden wasn't going to win the Democratic nomination in the 2008 Presidential Election, I had to call an audible and pick someone else to lend my support.

I really used to have a lot of respect for John McCain, and still have a good amount for him as a human being. He's a genuine war hero, and he's one of the most common-sense, moderate high-profile Republicans around. He is not afraid to take his own party to task when he feels it is needed, or work with Democrats on programs that make sense.

But while I think McCain is a great guy, he has really sold-out politically, both for his stumping for Bush in 2004 -- you know, the guy who spread the rumors in South Carolina about his wife being a drug addict and him having a black child out of wedlock -- and his semi-pandering to the far-right, especially making nice with the now-burning Jerry Falwell.

The worst part for McCain is that none of this rear-kissing has gotten him anywhere in the right-wing of the Republican party. McCain is still despised by Rush Limbaugh and Man Coulter, so he had to sell himself without even getting any benefit out of it. I do appreciate that voters have woken up and rejected the right-wing demagoguery of Limbaugh and Mitt Romney in favor of someone who isn't a typical GOP candidate.

Romney is, as my good friend Jables once put it, "a piece of shit." A soulless, empty shell whose ideas -- such as building a second Guantanamo Bay prison -- were downright reactionary and frightening. Mike Huckabee is a guy who I would love to, say, hang out with at a wedding, but I knew he never really had a chance. Besides, it was pretty clear that I couldn't very well vote for a Republican right now, no matter how good the candidate is, because to me, that would be a tacit approval of the current regime.

So because of this, I was basically left with two options, after the interesting but ultimately overwhelmed John Edwards dropped out: Hillary and Obama.

I have never been a Hillary fan, and it's not because she's a woman -- which seems to be a knee-jerk reaction whenever I say I don't like her, even though I thought her husband was a very good president. I have lots of strong women in my life; strong women don't bother me.

I wasn't sold on Barack Obama either... until the Iowa Caucus. He gave a rousing speech outlining what a country can do with hope. I know there is criticism of Obama because they say he is all speeches and very little substance. But the guy has a vision, you can't deny that. And even if he has a thin congressional record, due to his short time in office, he has a history of good works, such as leaving a high-paying job to help the poor in Chicago. And while I don't know whether he ultimately had political ambitions on his mind, they certainly didn't manifest themselves until well into his new and selfless career.

But if there is anything that has affirmed my early approval of Obama, it's his own conduct in start contrast to Hillary Clinton. Whereas Obama seems to take the high road on just about everything, Hillary is looking more and more like a Republican every day, spinning eleven straight losses like Bush spinning U.S. casualties abroad. And while she self-righteously chastized Obama last week for putting out what she deemed to be misleading flyers, someone from her campaign released a picture of Obama in some kind of traditional African dress, ostensibly trying to make him look more Islamic. She says she had nothing to do with it, but someone from her campaign more than likely did.

Which brings me to the most troubling aspect of the last few weeks in politics: the return of fearmongering.

Now, I would expect this from a steaming pile of shit like Cincinnati radio host Bill Cunningham, who went on a rant before a McCain rally, repeatedly spouting off the name "Barack Hussein Obama," which is a transparent attempt to make Obama seem somehow more of a terrorist. Cunningham is a nobody, a nothing. And while his pathetic, desperate attempt to demonize Obama due to his name may sway some guillible Ohio voters (remember, they bought the Swift Boat hoax in 2004), I doubt he'll have any real effect on any intelligent discourse in the public arena.

Honestly, anyone who would truly be swayed by someone's middle name, or would fall for something so simplistic should probably have their vote taken away. Just because his name rhymes with "Osama" doesn't mean he's a terrorist. Remember, one of our great allies is King Abdullah II bin Al Hussein of Jordan. I don't see anyone bitching about that.

What is truly troubling, however, is that Hillary, in the last throes of a desperate and disappointing campaign, is playing the "Daisy" card in her new ad, implying that in the wavke of a terrorist threat, she would be the best candidate to pick up the "red phone" should it ever ring. This just reeks of a Hail Mary pass by Clinton, basically saying, "if you don't elect me, there is a chance you could all die!"

If this tells me one thing about Clinton, it's not just that she's been outsmarted by a more charismatic and more inspirational candidate. No, to me it's much worse. It shows that Hillary Clinton cares more about being elected -- even if she has to trash a very compelling, squeaky-clean opponent to do it -- than she does about getting the best Democrat elected. The country does not care about who has the most experience -- Rumsfeld, Cheney and Colin Powell had a ton of it, and look where it got us -- or who is "ready on day one." They want change. This is a seismic shift in the American landscape this year, moreso than any year I can remember.

People aren't excited about Hillary. She does not inspire anyone. Her talk of 35 years of experience rings very hollow, considering she spent 8 of those years as a First Lady. Not denigrating her experience there, but I would hardly say she was the one running the show back then. And she's been an okay New York senator, but she ran against two very weak Republican opponents ... oh and she did vote "Yes" to the Iraq War, which to me is gonna be hard for her to explain away.

Obama feels like he has "the glow" this year. Unless something awful happens, I think the country is ready for him to be President. I know he's going to have to endure some godawful mudslinging, especially if they go after his rather loose-lipped wife, but I think anyone who brazenly attacks Obama will find that it will backfire, which it has severely to Clinton, if you ask me.

I hope that people will rebel against the political Black Ops (no pun intended) that have been the calling-card of Republicans for years. How many people who voted for Bush in 2004, if they knew then what they know now, would like to have their vote back? That election just went to prove that it works to attack someone's character. I can only hope that Obama's character and history are squeaky-clean enough to be bulletproof. Because whether he is the Great Black Hope or not, it seems like he's the best option we have.

The End of an Epic Feud

Let's get one thing straight: Michael Jerome Cialini is one of my oldest and most treasured friends. I met him when he was a mulleted, bespectacled 9th grader, and I immediately thought he was an asshole ... but my kind of asshole. We rode the bus together, made fun of the entire class of 1994, then later I would send him mix tapes while he was in the Air Force and he would send me illegible letters. (This was before the internets, mind you.) Mike was good enough to let me be a part of his wedding to his wonderful and lovely wife Brenna, and hopefully I will be able to punch him 32 times this coming May 1st.

Through our nearly two decades of friendship, we have probably agreed on perhaps four things. Everything else has been a bitter feud. I like rap music with a positive message, he likes it only with lots of swearing. He likes Stern, I like Opie and Anthony. I like baseball, he likes the Mets. We are on polar opposites on nearly every spectrum of ideas. And that's an okay thing; it's good to have dissent.

Many topics I take with a grain of salt -- politics, sports, philosophy. But when it came to beer, I could stand silent no longer!

Mike launched his new site, The People's Beer Drinker, and I reacted in a visceral -- and as one person has told me -- overboard way. Point taken. And as expected, Michael fired back, taking umbrage with my assessment of the need for a macrobrew blog.

In the course of his retort, Mike made his opinion known, and naturally I read it and understand where he's coming from. But I had to take exception to a few things, mainly three main assertions I find to be patently incorrect. Hopefully they will clear up a few points and Mike and I can go back to fighting about the NFL (the best sports league in the nation).

Myth #1: I am a beer snob and I don't like ANY macro beers.
I consider myself a "geek," not a snob. Contrary to my misunderstood "internet persona," I don't actually look down on anyone who likes macro brews. To the contrary, I still will enjoy a few of them from time to time. I never said that I think people who drink what I consider to be lesser beers "lesser beer drinkers." The truth is -- as my compadre Javen recently pointed out to me -- the macro lagers of today are by-and-large pale copies of German styles. The microbrews are the true "American" beers, because like jazz and baseball, they were invented here, or at least finely tuned to become their current incarnations. In my very humble opinion, microbrews and craft beers are truly in the American tradition, in that they eschewed the Xeroxing of old tried-and-true, popular styles and went off the beaten path by innovating. I am the furthest thing from a snob, to be honest. In "real life" I have never chastized someone for drinking Bud or Coors. I used to drink nothing but the Big Three in college, as well as maybe something from Labatt or Molson. I drank Blatz and Stroh's in Milwaukee, and three pitchers of Coors light in Baltimore. I own a Miller High Life t-shirt! And these are just examples from the last few years. I can't deny that expanding my scope has opened me up to a new and exciting world, but I don't look down on those who drink something I don't like. Drink what you like and be happy, dammit!

Myth #2: I believe that anyone who doesn't agree with me is wrong.
This could not be further from the truth. I would never tell anyone to drink something they hate any more than I would have anyone tell me to eat green beans. I was speaking to a friend today and told her that I probably dislike 2 out of every 5 beers I try, and I spend a lot more money than most people do on beer. Like, an embarassingly lot more. No one will ever convince me that beer that is mass-produced with inferior ingredients is as good as craft-brewed beer, on the whole. I still think that there is a craft brew for everyone out there, and that no matter what macro style you like, there is a micro waiting for you that you will love. However, if you don't want to do that, I'm not going to call you out just because of that fact. Will I offer that you try something I'm drinking? Yes. Will I suggest an alternative based on what you like? Sure. Honestly, I never even discuss the subject of beer superiority with someone else unless they take the tone -- which I feel Mike had toward me, unprovoked -- that for some reason I'm some sort of elitist because I don't buy cases of Blue Light anymore. People who know me know that I have never "forced" a beer on anyone, but rather I shepherd anyone who is interested toward beers I think they may like, or give them a sip of mine. And more often than not, they hate the beer. But at least they tried it, and that's all I ask.

Myth #3: I am shitting on Mike's new blog.
I think Mike could actually make something out of this blog that would be worth reading. I will certainly be checking back from time to time. I do have to admit I question the motive behind it, whether it's to actually explore and celebrate American macros and pale lagers, or whether it's just to sort of "stick it" to so-called beer snobs. (Mike has a history of inflammatory internet speech.) To me its like -- to use an example to which Mike may relate -- starting a mainstream rap blog as a reaction to the undue attention that independent hip-hop blogs get. The fact remains that Miller/Bud/Coors account for 75% of the beer industry in the United States, and are therefore hardly underrepresented. I find it hard to believe that someone would want to stick it to the "little guy," small businesses in America that are trying to stay afloat while the Big Boys are constantly swallowing them up. To me it's akin to a site lauding how great Microsoft is, as a reaction to, say, Linux, or a lesser-known entity. If Michael can do something with it that is good for beer as a whole -- and not just the beers I like -- I will be a regular reader. My initial, emotional reaction to Mike's post is one that goes way way back to when Mike would simply say "_______ sucks" to any post I made regarding a topic I liked. There are a lot of "soccer sucks," "the NFL draft sucks," and the like out there with Mike's byline, and when it came to this subject I thought a counterpoint was in order.

So I hope I cleared a few things up for everyone. Mike, let's one day get together somewhere we can enjoy both Cascade- and Amarillo-hopped Imperial IPAs as well as Genny Cream Ale. It's time we let America being healing.

Tellin' It Like It Is!

It's so refreshing to hear people on the internet who are not afraid to SPEAK THEIR MINDS!!!!!!!!



Wow! So BRAVE!!!!!



What great OBSERVATIONS on our CULTURE!!!!!!!



These folks TELL US what we NEED to HEAR!!!!!!!!!



They're not gonna PLAY by your RULES, MAAAAAAAN



They're gonna SAY what they WANT, whether you LIKE it or NOT!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!1!!! So get USED TO IT!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!11

Celebrity Fight!

And look at these two steaming piles of asshole go at it:

I Don't Mean to Be Rude But...

The next time Simon Cowell starts to act snooty, I'm going to think of this clip from Sale of the Century, a 1990 British game show. Unfortunately, some prat didn't want YouTube to embed it. It's about 10 minutes long but kinda funny if you think Simon can be a bit arrogant at times.

Xs and Os

Happy Valentines Day, my pretties, one day late. Hope you enjoyed yours as much as I enjoyed mine.

Love ya babies!

Humble Pie

[Note: If your name is Cunningham, Ash or Willie Moe, I urge you to skip over this. It's not directed toward you nor meant to be a "slam" of any kind. You know I think you fellas are swell and love you guys despite the team you have chosen to support. Take no personal offense, I beg you. Breakfast is on me next time, kids. This one is most certainly not for your perusal...]

The amazing thing about sports is that just when you think the world has run out of good true stories, sports find a way to create geniuinely compelling, unexpected and dramatic new moments.

I'm not trying to go all Bob Costas on you here. This is not about sentimentality; it's about drama. It's about actually believing in the improbable. I've been around long enough to experience some truly incredible and legendary moments in sports. Kirk Gibson's 9th inning bomb in the 1988 World Series, the Bills coming back from down 32 against the Houston Oilers, the Red Sox coming back from 3-0 to beat the Yankees in the 2004 World Series. I've also seen some incredible upsets, like Duke beating UNLV in 1990, Buster Douglas beating Mike Tyson on my 14th birthday, and last night.

First, let's get one thing straight: I hate the New England Patriots. I mean, I fucking hate them. Hate isn't strong enough a word, really. I used to say I hated the New York Yankees, but that feels like mild annoyance compared to how I feel about this collection of arrogant phonies and their godawful corporate-speak philosophies. Their "Humble Pie" t-shirts, their desire to copyright "19-0" (as if the term had never been invented), their asshole head coach, their prettyboy QB, their everyone-loves-us-cuz-we're-so-gritty linebacking corps, and the fact that they cheat.

I'm not just talking about Spygate, although the way that Patriots fans have tried to justify that makes my stomach churn. You know goddamn well that if it was discovered that the Colts had been stealing signals in the 2006 AFC Championship Game, all the Yah-Doods in RedSawx caps woulda been screamin' bluddy murdah for six and a haff munts. I don't buy the "everyone's doing it" defense, and if they were, why would the NFL give a record fine and penalize a draft pick to their crown jewel franchise and no one else?

But no, the cheating to which I'm referring is two decades of chicanery and bending the rules until they are forced to be changed. It all comes from the Head Coach, of course, Mr. Charisma himself, Bill Belicheat. From Super Bowl XXV where he told Giants LB Gary Reasons to kick the ball Scott Norwood was about to kick wide right after it was already spotted, to forcing the Indianapolis Colts to play on a field that should have been crossed with a mule and a sherpa, Belicheat has done everything he can to gain every tiny advantage out of the game, just short of breaking the rules. And sometimes not stopping short.

Why is it a 15-yard you call two consecutive time-outs to freeze a kicker? Because the Patriots used to try and fake kickers out by calling the second time out they didn't have. Why are there stricter rules about how much contact defensive backs can have with receivers? Look no further than the 2003 AFC Championship Game and the Ty Law rule. You can thank Vince Wilfork for destroying J.P. Losman's career in Buffalo with a cheapshot to the knee. Wilfork takes pride in being find thousands of dollars.

After the AFC Championship Game two weeks ago, San Diego Chargers center Nick Hardwick said that Pats defensive lineman Richard Seymour was "Head slapping, foot stomping in the pile, running by and throwing punches in your back," called Seymour "dirty, cheap, pompous" and said Richard Seymour is the biggest (expletive) I've ever played."

They have wiped their filthy asses with Terrible Towels, they have danced in the middle of the field to mock Shawne Merriman (who is a douche, granted). They put Tom Brady as "probable" on the injury report every week -- which, frankly, I'm surprised some Vegas mobster-type hasn't made Belicheat stop doing at gunpoint. I read this morning that before the game, the Patriots were inviting the Giants to their upcoming victory parties after the game. This team reeks of high character.

Paul Woody of the Richmond Post-Dispatch does a better job than I do of laying out why the Patriots are such a bunch of fucking dirtbags.

And the worst part is that they are perpetually lauded by the media as being "a class organization." It's one thing for the Patriots themselves to trumpet themselves as a bunch of take-the-high-road "lunch pail" players; it's altogether something else for the smitten media to be compliant in perpetuating this myth. Any time Belicheat's old buddy Phil Simms speaks of Tom Brady, you practically have to wipe Brady's ejaculate from Simms' chin.

So single-minded was the media's desire to see "a historic team" that they glossed over all the things that make the Patriots so hateable. At least the Bad Boy Detroit Pistons and "South America's Team" Dallas Cowboys had the decency to be flamboyantly assholish and unlikable. It takes a truly despicable character to stab a man in the stomach while smiling to his face.

But the rich, evil fat-cats of the world can only sit atop their golden thrones, smoking fine cigars and laughing at the misfortunes of the poor for so long before they are brought to earth by the most vengeful bitch known to humankind.

Karma.

As many of my faithful readers know, I predicted this back in November. The Patriots and their hubris were simply too obvious to ignore. They had made their living all season by talking trash to lesser opponents (picking on straw-men like Pittsburgh's Aaron Smith), running up the score (including going for it on fourth down several times when the game was well in hand) and all the while playing the part of the top-hatted gentleman.

People often accuse me and fellow Patriot-Haters of being jealous of the Patriots' success. Not true. While I would love to watch my Bills win 3 of 4 Super Bowls, I don't hate the Patriots just because they are good. The San Antonio Spurs have been every bit as dominant as the Patriots over the last decade, and I don't hate them. Nor did I hate the St. Louis Rams from 1999-2001. I hate them because they are hateable. Whether it's Bill Belichick's smug press conferences, Tedi Bruschi making the "ok" sign with his hand and homosexually yelling "that's threeeeeee!!!!" into a camera, or Charlie Weis getting a tummy tuck so he would look more like "head coaching material," this image-conscious franchise with the worst logo in sports reeks of all that is phony integrity.

So you can loathe my schadenfreude of the Patriots ass-pounding at the hands of the blitz-happy New York Giants -- a team for which I hold no particular affinity -- if you like, but I prefer to look at it as justice. No team that I've ever known has been more detestable, no team has had a less likeable cast of characters, and no team has ever set themselves up for more rancorous, bilious vitriol than this band of Wall Street vulture types dressed up in a hard-hat wearing blue collar guise.

I loved Tom Brady looking as if he had switched bodies with Eli Manning (who I also can't stand but for other unrelated reasons) and was looking for his daddy to help him out somehow.

I loved watching Lace-Tedi Bruschi and Junior Seau doing a cursory public-relations hug in the hopes that Steve Sabol and NFL Films would be watching.

I loved watching the Giants attack Brady like a kamikaze squad and that Brady couldn't muster more than the one final drive with four Giants in his face on every play, taking away his 6-8 seconds in the pocket.

I loved that all I saw on the Patriots' sideline when the Pats were on offense was Bruschi, Seau and Mike "My Nose Starts at My Forehead" Vrabel sucking wind instead of laughing and back-slapping each other.

I loved that Rodney Harrison and the vaunted Pats secondary got torched all night long.

I loved watching Darth Sweatshirt Belicheat walk off the field in defeat, the weight of a Super Bowl choke job pulling down his genius balloon like a sandbag.

I love that the sports media won't acknowledge two consecutive chokes by these same Patriots -- this colossal tank and last year's 18-point blown lead against Indy. Although Mark "Stink" Schlereth did say that this was the most significant loss in the history of the National Football League.

I am lucky in that the only Patriots fans I know are wonderful people, and apart from a couple semi-heated discussions, they have been refreshingly classy about their team's success.

As for the mouth-breathing bottom-feeders who end every weak argument with "count the rings," suck defeat and swallow it down. You are the reason that 95% of the non-New England population is celebrating this cold February day.

Bill Goes America All Over Everybody's Ass

I’m gonna rise up,
gonna kick a little ass.
Gonna kick some ass in the USA.
Gonna climb a mountain,
gonna sew a flag,
gonna fly on an eagle.

I’m gonna kick some butt,
gonna drive a big truck.
I’m gonna rule this world.
I’m gonna kick some ass.
I’m gonna rise up,
gonna kick a little ass.

ROCK, FLAG AND EAGLE!!!!

Happy MLK Day everyone.

Poking My Head Out

Hello! Remember me?

My computer had an unfortunate incident right around Thanksgiving where it sort of died and so therefore I haven't been able to regale you with fantastic tales for many weeks. My computer says, "You're welcome." (I'm using my old 1999 model right now, and yes, it's taking about 3 hours for the words to come up on the screen after I type them.)

Not much to report. So far, '08 has been just fine. I've entered the last 30 days of my 32nd year, and look forward to entering the 33rd. Other than that, nothing has changed. I'm still way out of shape, still broke, my place is still a raging mess.

I could run off a list of my current obsessions, but who really cares, am I right? Although if you have HBO and you aren't watching "The Wire" you should probably have your cable taken away. (They are showing the episodes On Demand a week before they air, I just found out.) I haven't gotten much new music in my system because of the whole computer thing. I feel like I'm living in a cave. There is an upcoming post about my struggles with technology of late, and my desire to retreat to Pennsylvania Amish country. But that comes later.

Hope all is going well. I miss you and I'm thinking about you. Toodles, poodles.

Don't Tase Me, Bro

If you haven't seen the famous "Don't Tase Me, Bro!" video, check it out here. This silly grandstanding douche should have had a live cattle prod shoved in his mouth and thrown in a swimming pool.



But if you are a fan of this hotshot getting tased (tazed?) or of Electric Light Orchestra, please check
the YTMND version of the incident. Pure genius.

Why Do You Bastards Tease Me???

They have been saying this for a year and a half now, but ...

Item!

'Arrested Development' Movie Plans Close to Completion?
By WENN | Tuesday, December 04, 2007

HOLLYWOOD - Plans for a movie adaptation of sitcom Arrested Development are getting closer to completion--after a number of meetings with the show's key figures.

Arrested Development star Jason Bateman met with series creator Mitch Hurwitz over the weekend, further fuelling speculation that the film version of the show is in the pipeline.

Earlier this year, Michael Cera, Bateman's costar, insisted he would be keen to sign up for an Arrested Development movie if it ever came to fruition.

Yeah, it's probably bullshit, but oh well. You can still watch the episodes online here (my suggestion would be "Pier Pressure," Season One, Episode 10). Enjoy.

Geniuses? You Make the Call

What do you do when you have a severe case of writer's block? You post a bunch of videos and crap on the internet. I saw a movie the other day called "The Devil and Daniel Johnston." Johnston was an underground singer/songwriter sensation of the 1980s. He was also deeply disturbed. He is considered by many to be a genius.

Watching the film, I couldn't help but think "Genius? Really?" It's not that the guy didn't have talent; he could write a catchy tune and evoke certain feelings, but I would hardly call the guy a genius. His songs were simplistic and kind of all the same, sounding to me like the Magnetic Fields trying to evoke John Lennon. Plus, his live performances were painfully awkward. Johnston could barely play the guitar, and was often off-beat and his lispy singing looked more like something out of a talent show for "special" people. Yet every crowd that ever saw Johnston whooped and hollered no matter what he did, like cheering for the little leaguer who strikes out on three straight pitches by yelling "nice swing!"

The label of genius is thrown around a lot, especially in music. It got me thinking about who I consider to be the best songwriters in my record collection. I decided to throw up a few videos of five of my favorite songwriters. Check out some of the songs and some of the cool videos if you get a chance.

SUFJAN STEVENS This guy is incredibly prolific, and though he gets a little too precocious sometimes, I think he is a top-notch songcrafter.

"Jacksonville" I can't begin to express how much I love this song.


"The Avalanche" Another really beautiful Sufj masterpiece.


****

IRON AND WINE His first album -- The Creek Drank the Cradle -- is one of my top 5 albums of all time. Every single track is a masterpiece, and here are two of them.

"Southern Anthem" Something beautiful and rustic about this song. The video is a bit pretentious, but it doesn't detract.


"Upward Over the Mountain" Something about this song puts me on the verge of tears almost every time I hear it.


****

PAVEMENT/STEPHEN MALKMUS There is something about this band and about S.Malk I just love. The sarcasm, the turn of a phrase, the prototype "indie" sound.

"Spit on a Stranger" One of the catchier Pavement tunes, very poppy and fun.


"The Hexx"


****

STEELY DAN/BECKER & FAGAN Probably my favorite band of all time. I would put their catalog (up to and including Gaucho) up against any other.

"Black Friday" No this isn't about the day after Thanksgiving, it's about the apocalypse. And it's still such a fun tune.


"The Royal Scam" This isn't an official video, but with the lyrics it's actually more powerful than I expected it to be.


"Don't Take Me Alive" A pretty awesome song about a guy who's about to blow himself up. Not too shabby.


Also check out videos for "Any Major Dude Will Tell You" and "Caves of Altamira."

****

THE SHINS/JAMES MERCER These guys are a bit spotty, I must admit, and while I do like their new album (Wincing the Night Away), I love Chutes Too Narrow almost too much to express. Other than "Gone For Good," I am in love with every single track on the album.

"Pink Bullets" Mellow and reflective. Nice.


"Saint Simon" Laid back, yet with authority.


"So Says I" Rollicking. Plus, a pretty awesome video about penguins and communism.


****

I made a mix CD a little over a year ago, and I thought it had some pretty obscure stuff on it, but I found a few of the videos on YouTube so I'm not quite the hipster I thought I was. You might like these, you might not.

Rosewood Thieves
"Los Angeles" Trying to evoke the Beatles in this video; their song "Lonesome Road" is even better.


The Long Winters
"Blue Diamonds" The video on this one is mega-cheesy but I like the song a lot.


Radiohead
"Pyramid Song" Purists hate electronic Radiohead, but this is a classic.


Gordon Lightfoot
"Canadian Railroad Trilogy" Long as hell but awesome.


Ben Folds
"Learn to Live with What you Are" Kind of disappointed that Old Ben decided to make a jokey video out of this song, because I thought it was kind of powerful in a self-help sort of way. But the video is kind of funny after all.


Spoon
"Beast and Dragon, Adored" Rocking song, and David Cross does some sign language/interpretive dance to the side. This was clearly taken with a cameraphone.


Dead Kennedys
"Holiday in Cambodia" Two offerings: one concert video with Jello Biafra going apeshit, and another video with better sound and disturbing images of the Khmer Rouge.

Givin' Him the Business

Remember this from '86?



And holy crap did I laugh my ass off when I saw this:

If This Isn't the Cutest Baby of All Time....

This little one is so cute she makes me want to smash my face into a wall over and over.

You're Gonna Get Yours

The Patriots are going to find the meaning of karma very soon. Mark my words.



A milk ad or the money shot from this month's Hustler?