Thursday, January 19, 2006

The Word "Cinephile" Sounds So Dirty

Okay, we established long ago that my opinion is of little consequence to anyone (see: title of blog). But I feel the need to explain myself a little here.

In the never-ending pursuit of eliminating negative space and adding clutter to my already cluttered blog, I have added a new list down the right-hand side (my left, your right) of the last 40 movies I've seen. I know that you don't care what I have recently seen because you, a) would hate the foreign-slash-indie crap that I watch, b) hate movies (I'm talking to you Javen and E.C. Paul) or c) don't give a crap what I think about anything and why the hell would the fact that I put a stupid list of stupid movies on the stupid sidebar change that?

Point taken.

But here's why I feel the need to explain myself. If you look at the list itself, I have included the movie title (helpful), the year it came out (to distinguish, for example, the new The Longest Yard with Adam Sandler from the old The Longest Yard with Burt Reynolds) and a rating of my own. Yes, folks, I have taken it upon myself to list my ratings for the last 40 movies I have seen. Let me give you a quick breakdown of what these ratings mean:

  • A - One of the best movies ever made or one of my favorite movies (eg. Lord of the Rings, The Right Stuff, GoodFellas)
  • A- - Maybe not quite at the apex of movie making, but much much better than average; a special movie (The Big Lebowski, sex, lies & videotape, All the President's Men)
  • B+ - Very solid, very entertaining movie. Better than average. (Dodgeball, In the Line of Fire, Back to the Future)
  • B - Worth seeing. Meets expectations. Basically not a waste of time. (Shakespeare in Love, Traffic, Gladiator)
  • B- - Underwhelming. Does not meet expectations in some way, slightly disappointing. (Magnolia, Ray, Good Will Hunting)
  • C+ - Not horrible, but disappointing. Unfocused usually, with a major flaw in either acting or plot. (Elf, In & Out, Jackie Brown, The Phantom Menace)
  • C - Severely disappointing and/or overrated. (Titanic, Chasing Amy, The Wedding Singer, The Blair Witch Project)
  • C- - Incompetent, usually a movie that is trying to be important but comes off as just plain stupid (Grand Canyon, Natural Born Killers, Gerry, Higher Learning)
  • D+ - Supremely incompetent -- yet sometimes perversely entertaining in a campy sort of way (Cellular, Freddy Got Fingered, Showgirls)
  • D - Supremely incompetent in a way that is not at all entertaining (Time Out, Any Given Sunday, Dogma, The Contender)
  • D- - Stupid and lazy beyond comprehension. (Deuce Bigelow: Male Gigolo, Scary Movie)
  • F - Utterly worthless and/or Vomit-inducing. (Heavy Traffic, Master P's I'm Bout It)

Okay, the reason I'm addressing this seemingly (okay, definitely) non-crucial issue is that if you look at the list, you will notice a lot of B+ grades. Lest you think I was one of those people who just defaulted to B+ because I have no guts, or because (GASP!) I haven't watched the movie, and this was my phony "book report" of sorts, fear not.

The reason I give out so many B+'s is that I read a lot about movies before I actually rent them. I used to joke that I would read 2 hours worth of online reviews before deciding whether to see a 90-minute film. (Yes, I know, my wit is boundless.) So when I decide to rent a DVD, or venture out into the anarchy that is the movie theater, I usually know what I'm getting into and know what to expect. Therefore, it is rare that I see something I don't like, because I am so selective in what I watch. So the B+'s listed represent the times that the movie has been just good enough for me to recommend it.

I don't want you to think I'm getting lazy, or being too lax on subpar films. No, you can always count on me to force my dull but honest opinions on you at every turn.

God bless.

5 comments:

Paul said...

How dare you say I hate movies? The truth is I hate MOST (99.9%) of movies.

I liked "She's All that" and I loved "10 things I hate about you"!

The reason I hate movies are because of ones like "The Triplets of Bellvelle", that was one of the worst movies I had ever seen, its called speaking english frenchies! I don't want to think and watch a movie! and what kind of movie is called "squid and whale". I'll tell you what kind...a stupid one! Im rambling, but here in lies my point, movies suck and the Electric CIty rules!

~m said...

Interesting post. I have not heard of half of those movies, but I did remember one that I was trying to tell you about a couple weeks ago- the one about Elvis lying in an old age home and everyone thinks he was an impersonator but he claims he is, in fact, Elvis. I haven't watched it all the way through yet, we borrowed it from Jim's dad and it's called Bubba Ho Tep. Have I finally found a movie you haven't heard of? Doubtful, but I tried.

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Bill said...

Diana Worthy is a sunt from Los Angeles California. Click her link above and tell her what a sunt she is! (It's a soft "c".)

SUE said...

Oh Bill...

I may be joining you soon in the ranks of blog-enabled movie reviewers. My friends have coerced me into reviewing movies I have not yet seen and/or movies from which I took away a point or points completely irrelevant to what the movie was trying to say. For instance, I saw Munich and took away these points of meditation: A) Eric Bana is hot and has a nice ass. B) Movies set in the 70's rock, especially for the wardrobe department and the male actors who get to dress up like extras from the "Sabotage" video.

Anyway, I like your system, and I support your cinephile habits 100%.