Monday, July 21, 2008

Passing Gas

Farting is both hilarious and kind of terrifying. God gave us a portal from which to expel noxious odors from our intestines. It's a blowhole of sorts from where our innards remind the world of their existence by emitting a smell that can have a varying degree of offensiveness. But there are some interesting things about farting, several of which I am going to write about now.

One thing is that it gives us control of the weather. It's true! If you are in a room with several people, you can actually affect their environment just by little out a gentle little toot. It is the only bodily function where you can purposely send a smell out into the world. You can't do that from your armpits, mouth or anywhere else, because those places have to already have a certain amount of bad odor to begin with. You would have to work your way up to bad breath or a nasty armpit. But with farting, you can be dapper and well-groomed, and still ruin a football game for five minutes.

Another interesting thing about gas: how is it that you can tell how bad it is going to smell just by the way it comes out. When you let one rip, you can always tell how bad it's going to be. But usually not until the genie is out of the bottle, so to speak. Sometimes you take a risk; you are in a crowded room or elevator, and really need to unbloat, so you let off a little tester to see how it's gonna be. Hopefully, it's only a small amount that no one else will notice. But other times too much comes out, and you've made an ass (no pun intended!) out of yourself.

We think of air as being a constantly flowing entity, bound only by the strictures of those materials which hold it in. Yet, we can control air itself just through the simple contracting and expanding of our sphincter muscles. Think of the power of that!

Farting is also a good indicator of someone's social comfortability level. If you are in a business meeting, you are not going to let one go, because you are a professional and that would reflect poorly on you. However, if you were in my college dorm on any given night of the week, you would not hesitate for one moment to blast a butt-trumpet before yelling "safety" or "doorknob" or whatever phrase you would yell in futility to get you out of a beating.

I think willingness to drop ass is a good indicator of how close you are to someone. I have a wonderful friend who refuses to use public restrooms, but will gladly fart in my presence, often several times in succession. This person has purposely farted directly on me more times than I care to count. But by virtue of this, I know this is someone I can always count on, and someone who trusts me. (I hope the individual didn't trust me to keep the farting stuff to myself because, well, that cat is out of the proverbial bag.)

In fact fellas, I should say this: if you can find a woman who will not only fart in front of you, but be proud of it, you marry her. By gum, you marry her but good!

I will conclude thusly: if you know you have gas and bloating, and it is giving you discomfort, don't hestitate to let freedom ring. Maybe give me a heads-up so I can either cover my face or grab some matches. Don't hold it in. Who knows, you could be the next Le P├ętomane! Besides, I read somewhere that if you hold it in, it turns to cellulite.

1 comment:

Toastie said...

black coffee in the morning always gets me going. and lots of apples. then my sweet lad you'll see a real fartin' rudy.