Farting is both hilarious and kind of terrifying. God gave us a portal from which to expel noxious odors from our intestines. It's a blowhole of sorts from where our innards remind the world of their existence by emitting a smell that can have a varying degree of offensiveness. But there are some interesting things about farting, several of which I am going to write about now.
One thing is that it gives us control of the weather. It's true! If you are in a room with several people, you can actually affect their environment just by little out a gentle little toot. It is the only bodily function where you can purposely send a smell out into the world. You can't do that from your armpits, mouth or anywhere else, because those places have to already have a certain amount of bad odor to begin with. You would have to work your way up to bad breath or a nasty armpit. But with farting, you can be dapper and well-groomed, and still ruin a football game for five minutes.
Another interesting thing about gas: how is it that you can tell how bad it is going to smell just by the way it comes out. When you let one rip, you can always tell how bad it's going to be. But usually not until the genie is out of the bottle, so to speak. Sometimes you take a risk; you are in a crowded room or elevator, and really need to unbloat, so you let off a little tester to see how it's gonna be. Hopefully, it's only a small amount that no one else will notice. But other times too much comes out, and you've made an ass (no pun intended!) out of yourself.
We think of air as being a constantly flowing entity, bound only by the strictures of those materials which hold it in. Yet, we can control air itself just through the simple contracting and expanding of our sphincter muscles. Think of the power of that!
Farting is also a good indicator of someone's social comfortability level. If you are in a business meeting, you are not going to let one go, because you are a professional and that would reflect poorly on you. However, if you were in my college dorm on any given night of the week, you would not hesitate for one moment to blast a butt-trumpet before yelling "safety" or "doorknob" or whatever phrase you would yell in futility to get you out of a beating.
I think willingness to drop ass is a good indicator of how close you are to someone. I have a wonderful friend who refuses to use public restrooms, but will gladly fart in my presence, often several times in succession. This person has purposely farted directly on me more times than I care to count. But by virtue of this, I know this is someone I can always count on, and someone who trusts me. (I hope the individual didn't trust me to keep the farting stuff to myself because, well, that cat is out of the proverbial bag.)
In fact fellas, I should say this: if you can find a woman who will not only fart in front of you, but be proud of it, you marry her. By gum, you marry her but good!
I will conclude thusly: if you know you have gas and bloating, and it is giving you discomfort, don't hestitate to let freedom ring. Maybe give me a heads-up so I can either cover my face or grab some matches. Don't hold it in. Who knows, you could be the next Le Pétomane! Besides, I read somewhere that if you hold it in, it turns to cellulite.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Friday, July 18, 2008
The Most Pathetic Ad Ever
Apparently the recession has hit the great state of Washington very hard. Please take the next 1:24 to view the following video, a Republican-made video that is intended to "welcome" Michelle Obama to Washington State.
There are three simply wonderful things about this ad.
#1. The production value is second to none. Not only is the quality of the VHS tape used for this spot of the highest quality (I would have to guess it's a JVC T-120 SX), but the acting is remarkable. Watch the way Lori Sotelo completely disappears into her role as "Patriotic Woman No. 1" by moving her eyes from left to right (or right to left for we, the viewers). The charisma just drips off of grassroots activist Melo-dy Leo (aka "Patriotic Woman No. 2") as she speaks from the heart, talking extemporaneously about how Americans can speak freely, and how she wakes up every morning proud to be an American. This clearly came right off the top of her head. State Senator Val Stevens ("Patriotic Woman #3") gave her not-at-all-contrived answer in front of a TV that she had turned up all the way.
#2. The reasons for being proud of America are well said and completely original. Lori Sotelo says that she is proud to be an American "because we live in the land of the free, home of the brave." Holy shit, where did she come up with that?! Fucking poetry. Is she one of McCain's speechwriters? Rose Strong ("Patriotic Woman #4") says (and please note the flawless syntax in this sentence), "no matter what your background, race or religion you have, you can do or be whatever you set your mind to!" Stand back folks, there are some new and radical ideas coming down the pike in this ad. I can do accomplish anything if I believe in my self??? We live in the land of the free? The home of the motherfucking brave?????!?!?!?!??!! Mine eyes have seen the glory! Take me now, lord! These words are dangerous and powerful! They could give people new ideas and inspire them!
#3. Thank goodness someone finally questioned Michelle Obama's patriotism. As we all know, black people have had it pretty easy in this country. Things like Jim Crow laws and segregation were really necessary because black folks were getting too much freedom. So how dare a person of color like Michelle Obama have the audacity to imply that somehow her country has not always served her best, due to the color of her skin? I'll bet she is ungrateful to Abraham Lincoln too, who did her the favor of setting black people free from slavery! Doesn't Michelle Obama realize how lucky black people have been in this country? A free ride on a slave ship and 200 years of inequality? Um, you're welcome, I guess! Not to mention, we all know that the best way to show your love of country is by reciting the pledge of allegiance, and spouting trite and well-worn phrases about "freedom," "pride" and "freedom." Questioning the way your country operates -- no matter how fucked up it is, and how much it is actually ruining its own legacy -- is simply not patriotic. Blind justification and partisan loyalty is!
Of course, what do you expect from someone who married a guy who wouldn't even wear a $2 metallic American flag pin?????!!!!!!??????!!!!111 How can you trust someone like that????!!!!??????!!!!!!1111one1111
Hopefully this ad inspired you as much as it inspired me. Now get out there and sing "God Bless America" at a baseball game, drink a Budweiser, and do all the things that proud Americans do!!!!!!!!!!!! For America!!!!!!!
There are three simply wonderful things about this ad.
#1. The production value is second to none. Not only is the quality of the VHS tape used for this spot of the highest quality (I would have to guess it's a JVC T-120 SX), but the acting is remarkable. Watch the way Lori Sotelo completely disappears into her role as "Patriotic Woman No. 1" by moving her eyes from left to right (or right to left for we, the viewers). The charisma just drips off of grassroots activist Melo-dy Leo (aka "Patriotic Woman No. 2") as she speaks from the heart, talking extemporaneously about how Americans can speak freely, and how she wakes up every morning proud to be an American. This clearly came right off the top of her head. State Senator Val Stevens ("Patriotic Woman #3") gave her not-at-all-contrived answer in front of a TV that she had turned up all the way.
#2. The reasons for being proud of America are well said and completely original. Lori Sotelo says that she is proud to be an American "because we live in the land of the free, home of the brave." Holy shit, where did she come up with that?! Fucking poetry. Is she one of McCain's speechwriters? Rose Strong ("Patriotic Woman #4") says (and please note the flawless syntax in this sentence), "no matter what your background, race or religion you have, you can do or be whatever you set your mind to!" Stand back folks, there are some new and radical ideas coming down the pike in this ad. I can do accomplish anything if I believe in my self??? We live in the land of the free? The home of the motherfucking brave?????!?!?!?!??!! Mine eyes have seen the glory! Take me now, lord! These words are dangerous and powerful! They could give people new ideas and inspire them!
#3. Thank goodness someone finally questioned Michelle Obama's patriotism. As we all know, black people have had it pretty easy in this country. Things like Jim Crow laws and segregation were really necessary because black folks were getting too much freedom. So how dare a person of color like Michelle Obama have the audacity to imply that somehow her country has not always served her best, due to the color of her skin? I'll bet she is ungrateful to Abraham Lincoln too, who did her the favor of setting black people free from slavery! Doesn't Michelle Obama realize how lucky black people have been in this country? A free ride on a slave ship and 200 years of inequality? Um, you're welcome, I guess! Not to mention, we all know that the best way to show your love of country is by reciting the pledge of allegiance, and spouting trite and well-worn phrases about "freedom," "pride" and "freedom." Questioning the way your country operates -- no matter how fucked up it is, and how much it is actually ruining its own legacy -- is simply not patriotic. Blind justification and partisan loyalty is!
Of course, what do you expect from someone who married a guy who wouldn't even wear a $2 metallic American flag pin?????!!!!!!??????!!!!111 How can you trust someone like that????!!!!??????!!!!!!1111one1111
Hopefully this ad inspired you as much as it inspired me. Now get out there and sing "God Bless America" at a baseball game, drink a Budweiser, and do all the things that proud Americans do!!!!!!!!!!!! For America!!!!!!!
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Go Away Now
Dear Brett Favre,
There are about fifty things I like about you. I love that you don't shave but once every two weeks. I love that you made Green Bay a destination football town once again. I love your rocket arm. You are goddamned handsome.
Because of my like for you, I have sort of looked the other way when media types like John Madden, Mike Patrick and others praised you without nearly any criticism. When you celebrated after a touchdown, it was because you "loved the game." When you threw a bad interception it was because you were "a gunslinger." When you had two or three bad seasons in a row, it was because you need "a supporting cast." And in the rare event that the media actually did criticize you -- like when you said Javon Walker should shut up and report to camp -- I even agreed with and defended you.
But the one thing that I simply can't abide is your constant waffling on whether you want to retire or not. I would not tolerate it with genuine assholes like Michael Jordan or Roger Clemens, and even though I think you are a good dude, I will not tolerate it with you either.
For the last 4-5 seasons you have been flirting with retirement, saying you couldn't handle the grind, hated practice, wanted to spend more time with your family, blah blah blah. Enough. I am no Packers fan, but you have held this poor team hostage for too long.
They drafted a QB in 2005 -- THREE SEASONS AGO -- in anticipation that you wouldn't be sticking around. Now, I don't think anyone could blame you for wanting to come back for one more season to break some records. (You now hold 9 of them, and one negative: the all-time interception record).
But then you retired. Officially. You made the decision, let the Packers know before the draft, and then rode off into the sunset, with a decent season marking your last.
But then you came back.
Just go away. You've had your time. Stop drawing attention to yourself. Stop threatening to quit only to come back. Go out on top. Don't tarnish your legacy. Don't be Jordan, getting owned by young buck NBA players. Don't be Clemens, making a jackass of himself on an almost monthly basis.
Go away while you still have your dignity. But for Curly Lambeau's sake, just go away.
[Update: After reading this post from Deadspin, I'm not even sure Favre is a "good guy" anymore.]
There are about fifty things I like about you. I love that you don't shave but once every two weeks. I love that you made Green Bay a destination football town once again. I love your rocket arm. You are goddamned handsome.
Because of my like for you, I have sort of looked the other way when media types like John Madden, Mike Patrick and others praised you without nearly any criticism. When you celebrated after a touchdown, it was because you "loved the game." When you threw a bad interception it was because you were "a gunslinger." When you had two or three bad seasons in a row, it was because you need "a supporting cast." And in the rare event that the media actually did criticize you -- like when you said Javon Walker should shut up and report to camp -- I even agreed with and defended you.
But the one thing that I simply can't abide is your constant waffling on whether you want to retire or not. I would not tolerate it with genuine assholes like Michael Jordan or Roger Clemens, and even though I think you are a good dude, I will not tolerate it with you either.
For the last 4-5 seasons you have been flirting with retirement, saying you couldn't handle the grind, hated practice, wanted to spend more time with your family, blah blah blah. Enough. I am no Packers fan, but you have held this poor team hostage for too long.
They drafted a QB in 2005 -- THREE SEASONS AGO -- in anticipation that you wouldn't be sticking around. Now, I don't think anyone could blame you for wanting to come back for one more season to break some records. (You now hold 9 of them, and one negative: the all-time interception record).
But then you retired. Officially. You made the decision, let the Packers know before the draft, and then rode off into the sunset, with a decent season marking your last.
But then you came back.
Just go away. You've had your time. Stop drawing attention to yourself. Stop threatening to quit only to come back. Go out on top. Don't tarnish your legacy. Don't be Jordan, getting owned by young buck NBA players. Don't be Clemens, making a jackass of himself on an almost monthly basis.
Go away while you still have your dignity. But for Curly Lambeau's sake, just go away.
[Update: After reading this post from Deadspin, I'm not even sure Favre is a "good guy" anymore.]
Sunday, July 06, 2008
Notes on Hancock
The new Will Smith movie Hancock has gotten some pretty scathing reviews. Apparently it did pretty well at the box office this weekend, although I have to say it's had one of the most disjointed and poorly-defined marketing of any big budget movie I've ever seen.
The studio tried to market it first as a semi-satirical movie about an "unconventional superhero," highlighting it's more humorous elements. (See those trailers here and here.) To me, this was a smart move, making it feel offbeat and different from a typical action movie. But in the few weeks leading up to the movie's release, the tone of the marketing changed, making it look like a typical action movie-by-numbers. (See what I mean here.)
I found the movie to be interesting and entertaining, but ultimately a little frustrating. If you haven't seen it or want to, I'm officially giving a SPOILER ALERT.
Here are some things I thought about the movie:
Okay, so my issues with the movie itself. First the good stuff:
Anyway, the movie is fun and worth a look, and although the movie doesn't make good on its promise of the exploration of a superhero in a postmodern framework, it was plently likeable.
The studio tried to market it first as a semi-satirical movie about an "unconventional superhero," highlighting it's more humorous elements. (See those trailers here and here.) To me, this was a smart move, making it feel offbeat and different from a typical action movie. But in the few weeks leading up to the movie's release, the tone of the marketing changed, making it look like a typical action movie-by-numbers. (See what I mean here.)
I found the movie to be interesting and entertaining, but ultimately a little frustrating. If you haven't seen it or want to, I'm officially giving a SPOILER ALERT.
Here are some things I thought about the movie:
- Will Smith has grown on me, because he's shed his Independence Day/Bad Boys/Men in Black "I'm a cool guy" persona and actually found some range and depth to his characters. He plays characters now that are flawed and three-dimensional. It's sometimes hard to forget that he's Will Smith (he doesn't disappear into his characters like, say Tom Hanks or Russell Crowe, for example), but at least we're not aware of it every second of every frame. I still wish he would have just kept calling himself The Fresh Prince, though.
- Jason Bateman rules. He could play that same stammering everyman character for the rest of his life and I'd be fine with it. He is a bit of a sap in Hancock, but he adds the right amount of comic relief.
Okay, so my issues with the movie itself. First the good stuff:
- I like the way that the movie combines the worlds of fantasy and reality in the first half of the film. Hancock is a superhero, but he causes more damage than he prevents. He is unpopular because he is sloppy and uncaring. The sort of sweeping superhero stuff is undercut by a lot of missteps on his part (breaking things that don't need to be broken, creating craters every time he lands, being kind of a dick). The handheld parts of the movie make it feel more real, as if this kind of thing could really happen.
- For the most part, the comedy works. Since he is ostensibly invincible, Hancock himself can pretty much do what he wants, so he is arrogant, confrontational and ruthless. He doesn't make excuses for his behavior, he just justifies it. After he's saved a life, a female bystander says "I can smell the alcohol on your breath!" to which Hancock replies, "'Cause I been drinkin', bitch!" That attitude makes Hancock repellent to the characters in the movie, but endearing to the moviegoing audience.
Now the not-so-great stuff - There is too much backstory about Hancock's life. I don't mean that they spend too much time on it, because they really don't, but the appeal of the Hancock character is that he's a sort of anarchist ne'er-do-well. By trying to explain his past and psychoanalyze him, it detracts from that detached manner that made him such a compelling character in the first place.
- There is a major shift in tone a little more than halfway through the movie. It goes from this offbeat superhero character study to a very standard, very typical superhero/action movie. The action itself is fine, but it's very rote. There is nothing new to see here. The humor almost goes completely away, and the lighthearted nature of the first half of the movie becomes one of darkness and despair.
It feels like a cop-out, as if the writer/director didn't know how to end it, or how to continue the same satirical note for the entire movie, and eventually gave up and said, "Screw it, let's just have shit blow up."
[An aside: As far as cop-outs in movies go, I have two favorites: the one at the end of M.Night Shyamalan's Unbreakable, where we see title cards showing the fate of the two characters we had just spent two hours trying to find out about ("Samuel L. Jackson was sent to a prison for the criminally insane!!!!!!!!"); and the climax of Soul Food, where instead of the family at the dinner table having it out and the writer/director having to create a compelling resolution-through-dialogue, there is the scare of a house-fire -- which interrupts the seething tension -- and teaches us the trite lesson that "Wow, aren't we all so lucky that we have each other? And isn't that more important than all this bickering?" Come to think of it, the resolution in Ron Howard's EdTV -- writen by hacks-extraordinare Lowell Ganz and Babaloo Mandel -- decides to settle its philosophical issues of privacy and the nature of fame with an erectile dysfunction joke. Hancock doesn't come close to that level of disappointment, but the laziness is there.] - Hancock's major enemy toward the end is a character who had a very small amount of screen time in the film -- and in an incompetent caper at that -- and then decides to exact revenge in a scene that came right out of Plot Convenience Theater. It did not grow organically from the story, but was rather set up to provide a de facto villain to Hancock. Unfortunately, the villain (named Red) is not compelling enough to provide for a satisfying conclusion; he is not a villain worthy of Hancock. It was a wasted opportunity to establish maybe a villain early on, maybe with some background between the two, and then have it pay off at the end.
Anyway, the movie is fun and worth a look, and although the movie doesn't make good on its promise of the exploration of a superhero in a postmodern framework, it was plently likeable.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
Two Brutal Cinephiles
Know what would be awesome? If there was a site that had analysis and retrospective on some of the greatest scenes in the history of movies? And if the analysis was not only semi-scholarly, but also irreverent.
If YouTube clips of some of these movies were available, that would be awesome too.
And if it could be written by me and a guy named Kong, wouldn't that kick some serious ass too?
I wish that site existed.
Oh wait. IT DOES.
If YouTube clips of some of these movies were available, that would be awesome too.
And if it could be written by me and a guy named Kong, wouldn't that kick some serious ass too?
I wish that site existed.
Oh wait. IT DOES.
Hypothetical Obama - McCain Showdown
I think stuff like this is just very cool.
A site I came across -- Five Thirty Eight dot com -- apparently ran the upcoming 2008 Presidential election through 10,000 different scenarios, I'm guessing based on data they have and info they have analyzed.
Some of these stats are very striking. For example, the likelihood of an Obama landslide is over 26%, while McCain's odds of a landslide are just over 5%. Also, the odds of Obama carrying all of John Kerry's states from 2004 is almost 60%, but McCain's chances of carrying all of Bush's 2004 states is just below 14%.
Interestingly, this poll shows that the value of winning Ohio is not possibly as important as once thought. Here, Obama's chances of winning the election without Ohio is over 10%, and McCain's chance of the same scenario is just under 9%; Ohio, while important, is much less crucial than Pennsylvania. Obama's chances of winning the election without PA is an astounding 0.07%, virtually nil. McCain's odds of 2.98% in the same scenario, while lofty by comparison, still spell out Pennsylvania as being a dire need, and likely THE key swing state this election.
If my boy Tim Russert were alive today, he might be writing "Pennsylvania, Pennsylvania, Pennsylvania" on a dry-erase board. It's four months away but I still can't wait.
A site I came across -- Five Thirty Eight dot com -- apparently ran the upcoming 2008 Presidential election through 10,000 different scenarios, I'm guessing based on data they have and info they have analyzed.
Some of these stats are very striking. For example, the likelihood of an Obama landslide is over 26%, while McCain's odds of a landslide are just over 5%. Also, the odds of Obama carrying all of John Kerry's states from 2004 is almost 60%, but McCain's chances of carrying all of Bush's 2004 states is just below 14%.
Interestingly, this poll shows that the value of winning Ohio is not possibly as important as once thought. Here, Obama's chances of winning the election without Ohio is over 10%, and McCain's chance of the same scenario is just under 9%; Ohio, while important, is much less crucial than Pennsylvania. Obama's chances of winning the election without PA is an astounding 0.07%, virtually nil. McCain's odds of 2.98% in the same scenario, while lofty by comparison, still spell out Pennsylvania as being a dire need, and likely THE key swing state this election.
If my boy Tim Russert were alive today, he might be writing "Pennsylvania, Pennsylvania, Pennsylvania" on a dry-erase board. It's four months away but I still can't wait.
Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Snapshot Cuz I's Bored
12:00 Midnight between July 2nd and July 3rd is exactly halfway through 2008. I figured that out myself by counting it. On non-leap years it's at noon on July 2nd.
For whatever reason, I decided to put up a snapshot of what I'm listening to on my iPod. This is of no interest to anyone else but I may look back on it one day and wonder why I used to listen to such crap.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Mitch Hurwitz Should Act
For those of us swooning over the news that Arrested Development (aka The Greatest Show in the History of Television) is going to be made into a feature-length movie being released in 2009, here is a little something to whet the proverbial appetite.
It's a Clark and Michael episode featuring genius Mitchell Hurwitz as Michael's sleazy agent. It's long, but it's worth watching for at least the first four minutes, where Mitchell shows just a hint of why he is the foremost comic mind in comedy today. (Take that Judd Apatow!) If Mitch could only get a TV project or two off the ground.
It's a Clark and Michael episode featuring genius Mitchell Hurwitz as Michael's sleazy agent. It's long, but it's worth watching for at least the first four minutes, where Mitchell shows just a hint of why he is the foremost comic mind in comedy today. (Take that Judd Apatow!) If Mitch could only get a TV project or two off the ground.
"It wasn't that there wasn't talent in the writing of it, because there wasn't. It wasn't that the characters weren't there, and they weren't. It was because it was offensive to Chinese. You know how she knows? She's Chinese."
Monday, June 23, 2008
Desk Job Evolution
When I was in high school, I thought I knew everything. I thought that I was some kind of undiscovered diamond-in-the-rough. But I was a lazy bastard, truth be told. I thought I had an understanding of how the world worked, but I didn't.
I was full of shit.
I thought I could coast by on rhetoric and parroted maxims that I had heard but didn't really believe or even understand. I always had a small coterie of facts or factoids in my back pocket that I was ready to pull out at a moment's notice in any debate or argument.
My understanding of the world was platitudes and rote-memorization of certain truths that were not of my own creation, and insight that was not of my own discovery. I was the typical liberal-minded blowhard, thinking I had some sort of extra-sensory understanding of things.
When I was a senior in high school, I went to a learning development center to help me figure out why I was (allegedly) smart, but got terrible grades. I don't know that they ever figured out the reasons, but they gave me enough tools to get into college.
I went to college, fearful that I would be discovered for the fraud that I was. But surprisingly, I realized that I wasn't half the fraud I believed myself to be. Cognitive thought -- not memorization -- was actually far more my speed. In the college arena, my own thoughts were actually valued. I didn't have to regurgitate facts from 3x5 notecards, but was encouraged to actually think.
In the summers between college, I worked as "summer help" at an apartment complex for three consecutive summers. The work was grueling. Pulling weeds, cleaning apartments, painting fences, trimming hedges. My boss was a real asshole. He wouldn't let me wear a walkman. So all I had for 8 hours a day were my landscaping tools and my thoughts.
They drove me nuts. Every workday was like a personal hell. Working by myself, thinking thoughts, driving myself crazy with over-analysis. Ideas would come and go in my head. It was like the mono/dialogues of a madman, stranded on an island, with only himself to talk to.
In some ways, this may have been the genesis of my current, overanalytical nature. I always used to hear of people say that they would love to work outside. These people clearly have never worked outside. This job taught me two life-changing lessons: 1) it's okay to be analytical, but you have to find a way to harness it, and 2) I want to work at a desk for the rest of my life.
Working outside, in the elements, in the sun, is completely overrated.
When I went back to school after my third consecutive summer of landscaping my asshole boss's McMansion, I realized that I never wanted to mow another lawn, pull another weed, vacuum another apartment hallway, or clear the cobwebs from another basement.
Did that job ruin me on all physical labor? Maybe. I still can't stand doing these kinds of things, not because I'm not capable or even because they are too hard, but because they bore me to tears.
Working at the apartments made me vow to myself that I would never be bored again.
So when I went back to college in earnest my junior year (I wasn't sure if I'd be able to go back at the time, due to financial concerns), I made the pact to myself that I was going to overload my head with knowledge. I was going to take my obsessive-compulsive, over-analytical brain and put it to some use.
I had put on an air of mental superiority for many years, but I never proved it. It was about time to take the Camaro out of the garage.
Since the day I stepped back onto campus in August of 1996, I was ready to be a sponge. I needed to soak up as much information as possible.
That subconscious decision has bred a decade-long commitment to the absorption of information, the omnivorous ingestion of knowledge. I have always had a completist's streak in me. If you show me the tip, I'm going to explore the entire iceberg.
It started with hip-hop music from 1988 to 1996, of which I have a nearly encyclopedic knowledge.
It continued with cinema, which consumed my life for about a decade. (Sadly, cinema is currently in pathetic disrepair, though I am confident it will hit rock bottom as it did in the 1980s and rise again.)
It passed into the realm of craft beers, of which I am still woefully ignorant but constantly learning about.
Before I knew it, I had evolved. Not by some overnight metamorphosis, but through the lifelong commitment to knowledge. Sure, much of my knowledge of the useless sort that is valuable only for the Trivial Pursuit Pop Culture edition, but it is knowledge nonetheless.
What my job at the apartments taught me that to learn -- and to care about what is learned, no matter how seemingly trivial -- is the most important thing. It is crucial to challenge oneself, no matter how seemingly inconsequential that challenge is.
They say that one of the fatal flaws of our current president is that he doesn't have the "curiosity" gene. He doesn't question what is presented to him. He doesn't care to know anything other than what he "needs" to know. There may be something to that.
Give me a desk. Give me a problem. Or a question. Give me a goddamn challenge. If I stop caring, or stop rising to the challenge, that's when I know it's time to go back to pulling weeds.
I was full of shit.
I thought I could coast by on rhetoric and parroted maxims that I had heard but didn't really believe or even understand. I always had a small coterie of facts or factoids in my back pocket that I was ready to pull out at a moment's notice in any debate or argument.
My understanding of the world was platitudes and rote-memorization of certain truths that were not of my own creation, and insight that was not of my own discovery. I was the typical liberal-minded blowhard, thinking I had some sort of extra-sensory understanding of things.
When I was a senior in high school, I went to a learning development center to help me figure out why I was (allegedly) smart, but got terrible grades. I don't know that they ever figured out the reasons, but they gave me enough tools to get into college.
I went to college, fearful that I would be discovered for the fraud that I was. But surprisingly, I realized that I wasn't half the fraud I believed myself to be. Cognitive thought -- not memorization -- was actually far more my speed. In the college arena, my own thoughts were actually valued. I didn't have to regurgitate facts from 3x5 notecards, but was encouraged to actually think.
In the summers between college, I worked as "summer help" at an apartment complex for three consecutive summers. The work was grueling. Pulling weeds, cleaning apartments, painting fences, trimming hedges. My boss was a real asshole. He wouldn't let me wear a walkman. So all I had for 8 hours a day were my landscaping tools and my thoughts.
They drove me nuts. Every workday was like a personal hell. Working by myself, thinking thoughts, driving myself crazy with over-analysis. Ideas would come and go in my head. It was like the mono/dialogues of a madman, stranded on an island, with only himself to talk to.
In some ways, this may have been the genesis of my current, overanalytical nature. I always used to hear of people say that they would love to work outside. These people clearly have never worked outside. This job taught me two life-changing lessons: 1) it's okay to be analytical, but you have to find a way to harness it, and 2) I want to work at a desk for the rest of my life.
Working outside, in the elements, in the sun, is completely overrated.
When I went back to school after my third consecutive summer of landscaping my asshole boss's McMansion, I realized that I never wanted to mow another lawn, pull another weed, vacuum another apartment hallway, or clear the cobwebs from another basement.
Did that job ruin me on all physical labor? Maybe. I still can't stand doing these kinds of things, not because I'm not capable or even because they are too hard, but because they bore me to tears.
Working at the apartments made me vow to myself that I would never be bored again.
So when I went back to college in earnest my junior year (I wasn't sure if I'd be able to go back at the time, due to financial concerns), I made the pact to myself that I was going to overload my head with knowledge. I was going to take my obsessive-compulsive, over-analytical brain and put it to some use.
I had put on an air of mental superiority for many years, but I never proved it. It was about time to take the Camaro out of the garage.
Since the day I stepped back onto campus in August of 1996, I was ready to be a sponge. I needed to soak up as much information as possible.
That subconscious decision has bred a decade-long commitment to the absorption of information, the omnivorous ingestion of knowledge. I have always had a completist's streak in me. If you show me the tip, I'm going to explore the entire iceberg.
It started with hip-hop music from 1988 to 1996, of which I have a nearly encyclopedic knowledge.
It continued with cinema, which consumed my life for about a decade. (Sadly, cinema is currently in pathetic disrepair, though I am confident it will hit rock bottom as it did in the 1980s and rise again.)
It passed into the realm of craft beers, of which I am still woefully ignorant but constantly learning about.
Before I knew it, I had evolved. Not by some overnight metamorphosis, but through the lifelong commitment to knowledge. Sure, much of my knowledge of the useless sort that is valuable only for the Trivial Pursuit Pop Culture edition, but it is knowledge nonetheless.
What my job at the apartments taught me that to learn -- and to care about what is learned, no matter how seemingly trivial -- is the most important thing. It is crucial to challenge oneself, no matter how seemingly inconsequential that challenge is.
They say that one of the fatal flaws of our current president is that he doesn't have the "curiosity" gene. He doesn't question what is presented to him. He doesn't care to know anything other than what he "needs" to know. There may be something to that.
Give me a desk. Give me a problem. Or a question. Give me a goddamn challenge. If I stop caring, or stop rising to the challenge, that's when I know it's time to go back to pulling weeds.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Lakers-Kings '02 Revisited
I just have to make a quick post on this really quick because it's been bugging me not only all day, but for six years.
The 2002 NBA Western Conference Finals between the L.A. Lakers and Sacramento Kings was the most nail-biting, exciting NBA playoff series I've ever seen. I'm not a huge NBA fan, but for a few years I really took to that Sacramento team that was so much fun to watch, with their run 'n' gun, fast-breaking style, and stifling defense.
It is probably my all-time favorite NBA team. Chris Webber. Mike Bibby. Bobby Jackson. Doug Christie. Vlade Divac. Scot Pollard. Peja Stojakovich. They were a versatile, well-oiled team, who could beat you inside and outside. Webber brought experience, Jackson brought energy, Christie brought defense, Divac -- though aging -- could still post up inside. And Bibby. Oh Bibby. He was an assassin that season, hitting clutch shots left and right.
The most dramatic moment in the series happened in Game 4 when Robert Horry nailed a three-pointer at the buzzer off a tip by Divac. It was deflating, but Sacramento came right back in Game 5 to take a 3-2 lead, only one win away from dethroning the two-time defending champions.
The game everyone who watched that epic series remembers is the infamous Game 6. I will never forget it. I was in Maryland (of all places) for someone's birthday. While most people hung out and drank outside on a lovely summer night, I was camped out in the basement watching this game, which I had hoped would finally send the Lakers packing and Sacramento to the finals for the first time ever.
What I saw was one of the worst-officiated games I've ever seen. I know it's fashionable to blame the refs after a loss (even when it's warranted, like Super Bowl XL) but this was a travesty. Bibby got called for a foul after ostensibly head-butting Kobe Bryant's elbow. The Lakers shot 40 -- FORTY -- free throws. It was a terribly-officiated game. And for those of us who wanted to see a team other than the Lakers go to the Finals that year, we knew that the Game 6 loss was just a prelude to an inevitable Game 7 Lakers win.
There have been rumors for years about the NBA manipulating games to find the glamour matchups. Not that the league itself has had some kind of mandate, but maybe an unspoken understanding. And since the officials have been accused of being suspect in the first place, it isn't much of a leap to think that maybe there was some sort of subliminal agenda by some of the refs.
People have suspected referee Dick Bavetta (or as Tim Hardaway used to call him, "Knick Bavetta") of being a home-job ref for years. But when Tim Donaghy was found to have been betting on games that he himself was officiating, all the spectres of corruption went from a conspiracy theory to actual fact.
And just the other day, Donaghy dropped a bombshell, saying that the 2002 Lakers-Kings series was extended by two of the three referees in question, so that the Lakers would be secured a spot in the finals. Everyone who had been watching that series probably had a small feeling in the pit of their stomach at the time that there was an infintesimal chance that the fix was on. The officiating was just that bad.
Now, I'm not going to take Donaghy's word on anything. He's a felon, he's a liar, he's a cheat, and he was a fucking terrible referee. I hardly take him at his word. And it's easy for someone to take a much-disputed game and retroactively question the integrity of other officials. But still, the fact that it's even out there -- in FBI documents, no less -- gives it a whiff of credibility.
One note: the NBA has been shielding their terrible officials for years, instead of actually improving the product. For that I blame the Commish David Stern, and Stern alone. He had to know that the officiating product in the NBA was garbage, and yet he myopically defended the officiating against any and all criticism. He should have been addressing it when the first allegations of corrupt officiating came about in the old Heat-Knicks series of the early 1990s. David Stern can fine as many coaches or players as he wants when they badmouth the refs, but his heretofore staunch defense of the officiating in the league now sounds very hollow.
What is most disappointing to me about this series is that it reminds me of what could have been. A team I really connected with getting beat by a less-interesting, less-likeable team with (alleged!) help from the officals. That Game 6 completely deflated me as a sports fan, and it was a symptom of the tiresome dynastic nature of sports in the late 1990s and early 2000s (Yankees, Patriots, Lakers, Red Wings). Notably, it was also the last Lakers championship.
If information ever does come out that the fix was in, I don't know how it could be rectified. Do you give the Kings rings? Do you take down the banners at the Staples Center? Does David Stern retire in disgrace? And what role did Bill Belichick play in all this?
I can only hope that the poor fans of that charming "cow town" of Sacramento do end up getting a title one of these days, because I know that the city has a connection to that team like few others do. The Lakers didn't "need" that third title in a row; it could have changed the whole psyche of the entire Sacramento fan base, all while showing no real damage to the Shaq/Kobe/Zen Bastard Lakers. Those are the moments that can change a sports fan's world.
And if a few people came together to decide to take that away from the fans of Sacramento ... well, there is an engraved invitation to an exclusive part of Hell for all those awful men.
The 2002 NBA Western Conference Finals between the L.A. Lakers and Sacramento Kings was the most nail-biting, exciting NBA playoff series I've ever seen. I'm not a huge NBA fan, but for a few years I really took to that Sacramento team that was so much fun to watch, with their run 'n' gun, fast-breaking style, and stifling defense.
It is probably my all-time favorite NBA team. Chris Webber. Mike Bibby. Bobby Jackson. Doug Christie. Vlade Divac. Scot Pollard. Peja Stojakovich. They were a versatile, well-oiled team, who could beat you inside and outside. Webber brought experience, Jackson brought energy, Christie brought defense, Divac -- though aging -- could still post up inside. And Bibby. Oh Bibby. He was an assassin that season, hitting clutch shots left and right.
The most dramatic moment in the series happened in Game 4 when Robert Horry nailed a three-pointer at the buzzer off a tip by Divac. It was deflating, but Sacramento came right back in Game 5 to take a 3-2 lead, only one win away from dethroning the two-time defending champions.
The game everyone who watched that epic series remembers is the infamous Game 6. I will never forget it. I was in Maryland (of all places) for someone's birthday. While most people hung out and drank outside on a lovely summer night, I was camped out in the basement watching this game, which I had hoped would finally send the Lakers packing and Sacramento to the finals for the first time ever.
What I saw was one of the worst-officiated games I've ever seen. I know it's fashionable to blame the refs after a loss (even when it's warranted, like Super Bowl XL) but this was a travesty. Bibby got called for a foul after ostensibly head-butting Kobe Bryant's elbow. The Lakers shot 40 -- FORTY -- free throws. It was a terribly-officiated game. And for those of us who wanted to see a team other than the Lakers go to the Finals that year, we knew that the Game 6 loss was just a prelude to an inevitable Game 7 Lakers win.
There have been rumors for years about the NBA manipulating games to find the glamour matchups. Not that the league itself has had some kind of mandate, but maybe an unspoken understanding. And since the officials have been accused of being suspect in the first place, it isn't much of a leap to think that maybe there was some sort of subliminal agenda by some of the refs.
People have suspected referee Dick Bavetta (or as Tim Hardaway used to call him, "Knick Bavetta") of being a home-job ref for years. But when Tim Donaghy was found to have been betting on games that he himself was officiating, all the spectres of corruption went from a conspiracy theory to actual fact.
And just the other day, Donaghy dropped a bombshell, saying that the 2002 Lakers-Kings series was extended by two of the three referees in question, so that the Lakers would be secured a spot in the finals. Everyone who had been watching that series probably had a small feeling in the pit of their stomach at the time that there was an infintesimal chance that the fix was on. The officiating was just that bad.
Now, I'm not going to take Donaghy's word on anything. He's a felon, he's a liar, he's a cheat, and he was a fucking terrible referee. I hardly take him at his word. And it's easy for someone to take a much-disputed game and retroactively question the integrity of other officials. But still, the fact that it's even out there -- in FBI documents, no less -- gives it a whiff of credibility.
One note: the NBA has been shielding their terrible officials for years, instead of actually improving the product. For that I blame the Commish David Stern, and Stern alone. He had to know that the officiating product in the NBA was garbage, and yet he myopically defended the officiating against any and all criticism. He should have been addressing it when the first allegations of corrupt officiating came about in the old Heat-Knicks series of the early 1990s. David Stern can fine as many coaches or players as he wants when they badmouth the refs, but his heretofore staunch defense of the officiating in the league now sounds very hollow.
What is most disappointing to me about this series is that it reminds me of what could have been. A team I really connected with getting beat by a less-interesting, less-likeable team with (alleged!) help from the officals. That Game 6 completely deflated me as a sports fan, and it was a symptom of the tiresome dynastic nature of sports in the late 1990s and early 2000s (Yankees, Patriots, Lakers, Red Wings). Notably, it was also the last Lakers championship.
If information ever does come out that the fix was in, I don't know how it could be rectified. Do you give the Kings rings? Do you take down the banners at the Staples Center? Does David Stern retire in disgrace? And what role did Bill Belichick play in all this?
I can only hope that the poor fans of that charming "cow town" of Sacramento do end up getting a title one of these days, because I know that the city has a connection to that team like few others do. The Lakers didn't "need" that third title in a row; it could have changed the whole psyche of the entire Sacramento fan base, all while showing no real damage to the Shaq/Kobe/Zen Bastard Lakers. Those are the moments that can change a sports fan's world.
And if a few people came together to decide to take that away from the fans of Sacramento ... well, there is an engraved invitation to an exclusive part of Hell for all those awful men.
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
Entitlement Part II
This year marks the worst NBA Finals of my lifetime. Never have two teams met in a championship game -- I think in any sport -- where I would be very upset if either team won.
There was the 1999 World Series between the John Rocker Atlanta Braves and the Roger Clemens Yankees.
There was this past Super Bowl between the New York Giants and the despicable New England Patriots. [Note: I gained a bit of respect and just a shred of admiration for that Giants team after that game.]
There was the 1991 NCAA Championship between the UNLV Runnin' Rebels and the Puke Blue Devils. However Duke wasn't as nauseating at the time as they have become since.
But I can't stand either of the teams that are in this NBA Finals, and both for completely different reasons.
I know I know, it sounds classic: Lakers vs. Celtics. It conjures up images of Russell vs. Chamberlain, Magic vs. Bird, etc. But the current incarnations of these storied franchises are not ones which I can support.
Because if you forget the laundry that these teams wear, there is really no connection. Red and Jerry West are both gone, and none of the same players from the last time they met (the 1987 Finals) still remain as players. Amazingly, this will be the 11th time they will meet in the finals, but the franchises have evolved since the Showtime/Big Three days.
First, the case against the Lakers.
Honestly, what is there to like about this team? They have the most arrogant, aloof, condescending coach in the history of sports. The fact that he would tie former Celtics coach Red Auerbach with a win here makes this matchup that much more intriguing, I suppose. But though Jackson is one of the most successful coaches in the history of sports, that doesn't make him any more likeable. He is a great coach, no doubt. But he has always been in the right place at the right time, and in each one of his championship seasons, he has had two of the five best players in the league at that time (Jordan/Pippen, though I think Pippen is the most overrated athlete of the 1990s, and Kobe/Shaq). Watching Jackson win another ring with a smug, self-satisfied look will make me very unhappy.
How about that guy Kobe? How come everyone is forgetting that this guy was accused of rape just a few years ago? He is a moody, selfish asshole. He already has three rings, but has any great athlete ever played with less joy? Kobe's had his time, let's move along.
Oh, and let's not forget those fans, who got so spoiled with winning during the Lakers' three-peat years that they began to take it for granted. They don't need another O'Brien trophy.
Which brings me to the Celtics...
At face value, I actually kinda like this team. I like the new Big Three of KG, Ray Allen and Paul Pierce. But there is one reason why I find it hard to root for this Celtics team. And that reason is ....
...of course ....
Boston.
There are few things that Boston fans need less than another sports championship. They already have a World Series last October, and Super Bowlwin appearance this past January. But just as that Patriots loss did wonders for putting Boston fans back in their place for a while, a Celtics win here could raise the region's douchebag quotient back up to 2004 levels. We don't need that.
In fact, I would have to say that my dislike for the Boston sports constituency (not the city, mind you) is such that if this Celtics team played in any other city, I would go out and buy a t-shirt. There is really no reason that I shouldn't love the Celts here: they represent Irish people, they have cool looking uniforms (especially with the gold lining), they are fun to watch, their coach is named Doc! But I'm afraid that this win could make the entire region of New England toxic with chowderheads spouting even more Yahdood false-superiority than ever. (I love you Willie-Moe; this isn't about you, babycakes.)
So what can I do? I have to make a decision. I won't be rooting for anyone, but rather against one of these teams. But who do I root against? A few hundred purple-and-gold clad employees? Or an entire region of the United States?
So it is with a heavy heart and my nose firmly held that I make it official.
I'm going for the Boston Celtics. Boston may yet redeem itself by winning this one with some class, dignity and humility. Boston, you have a chance to right the wrongs you've created. Cherish it.
Cherish it.
There was the 1999 World Series between the John Rocker Atlanta Braves and the Roger Clemens Yankees.
There was this past Super Bowl between the New York Giants and the despicable New England Patriots. [Note: I gained a bit of respect and just a shred of admiration for that Giants team after that game.]
There was the 1991 NCAA Championship between the UNLV Runnin' Rebels and the Puke Blue Devils. However Duke wasn't as nauseating at the time as they have become since.
But I can't stand either of the teams that are in this NBA Finals, and both for completely different reasons.
I know I know, it sounds classic: Lakers vs. Celtics. It conjures up images of Russell vs. Chamberlain, Magic vs. Bird, etc. But the current incarnations of these storied franchises are not ones which I can support.
Because if you forget the laundry that these teams wear, there is really no connection. Red and Jerry West are both gone, and none of the same players from the last time they met (the 1987 Finals) still remain as players. Amazingly, this will be the 11th time they will meet in the finals, but the franchises have evolved since the Showtime/Big Three days.
First, the case against the Lakers.
Honestly, what is there to like about this team? They have the most arrogant, aloof, condescending coach in the history of sports. The fact that he would tie former Celtics coach Red Auerbach with a win here makes this matchup that much more intriguing, I suppose. But though Jackson is one of the most successful coaches in the history of sports, that doesn't make him any more likeable. He is a great coach, no doubt. But he has always been in the right place at the right time, and in each one of his championship seasons, he has had two of the five best players in the league at that time (Jordan/Pippen, though I think Pippen is the most overrated athlete of the 1990s, and Kobe/Shaq). Watching Jackson win another ring with a smug, self-satisfied look will make me very unhappy.
How about that guy Kobe? How come everyone is forgetting that this guy was accused of rape just a few years ago? He is a moody, selfish asshole. He already has three rings, but has any great athlete ever played with less joy? Kobe's had his time, let's move along.
Oh, and let's not forget those fans, who got so spoiled with winning during the Lakers' three-peat years that they began to take it for granted. They don't need another O'Brien trophy.
Which brings me to the Celtics...
At face value, I actually kinda like this team. I like the new Big Three of KG, Ray Allen and Paul Pierce. But there is one reason why I find it hard to root for this Celtics team. And that reason is ....
...of course ....
Boston.
There are few things that Boston fans need less than another sports championship. They already have a World Series last October, and Super Bowl
In fact, I would have to say that my dislike for the Boston sports constituency (not the city, mind you) is such that if this Celtics team played in any other city, I would go out and buy a t-shirt. There is really no reason that I shouldn't love the Celts here: they represent Irish people, they have cool looking uniforms (especially with the gold lining), they are fun to watch, their coach is named Doc! But I'm afraid that this win could make the entire region of New England toxic with chowderheads spouting even more Yahdood false-superiority than ever. (I love you Willie-Moe; this isn't about you, babycakes.)
So what can I do? I have to make a decision. I won't be rooting for anyone, but rather against one of these teams. But who do I root against? A few hundred purple-and-gold clad employees? Or an entire region of the United States?
So it is with a heavy heart and my nose firmly held that I make it official.
I'm going for the Boston Celtics. Boston may yet redeem itself by winning this one with some class, dignity and humility. Boston, you have a chance to right the wrongs you've created. Cherish it.
Cherish it.
Entitlement
If there is one thing that a Democrat knows about, it's how to screw up a good thing.
While the year is still young and the 2008 Presidential Election is still five months away, the Democratic Party has done almost everything it could to self-destruct this first half of the year. I grew up a Democrat, but turned in my card about a decade ago, and nearly everything that has happened in the last ten years has reinforced my decision. [Note: I'm not a Republican, in case you were wondering. If you know me personally, this is readily apparent.]
And while there are a lot of people who could be blamed for taking what appeared to be a slam-dunk Democratic win in November and turning it into more of a question mark, I blame one person, one remarkable lady.
I think you know who I'm talking about. Her husband's first name is the same as mine.
Hillary. Oh Hillary. Every shred of respect that I ever had for this woman has evaporated in the last 6 months. I have never been a Hillary hater. I voted for her in 2000 when she was running for Senator in my state. (Granted, she was running against Rick Lazio, a terrible Republican candidate.) I blamed much of the rancor and vitriol with which she was met during her First Lady years on partisan bile and veiled sexism. (I still blame much of that on her.)
But in the last several months, I have seen why so many people cannot stand her. Now before you start in on me, I am not bothered by the fact that she is a "strong woman." I have tons of strong women in my life -- ones that retain far more integrity than Ms. Clinton -- and am not bothered by her accomplishments.
What I find abhorrent about this woman is the same thing that I would find despicable about any other man: she will do anything to be President. She doesn't care about the country. She doesn't care about the Democratic Party. She doesn't care about being a good person. And if she does care one iota about any of these, they are dwarfed by her drive to become the first female president, and by her sense of entitlement.
Why does this have to be? Is this her way of completing her own "I Will Survive" story after being publicly cuckolded by her husband? Is it some sort of destiny she feels she's fulfilling? Does she just want to stick it to the Republicans?
Frankly, I don't give a shit.
What she has done is taken a once-in-a-lifetime presidential candidate (that would be the future HNIC Barack Obama) and pulled him from his lofty perch. She has used innuendo (that he could be a Muslim, who knows!), outright racism (using aging wackjob Geraldine Ferraro to make racist comment after racist comment, and ended up becoming a contributor to Faux News) and inauthentic outrage.
Hillary has made things so bad that her menopausal female constituency are now threatening to vote for John McCain rather than support Obama. (Any female Democrat who does this not only relinquishes their right to accuse blacks of playing the "race card," but should probably also have their future votes halved.)
I think the day I turned was when that picture of Obama in a silly sort of African garb came out, and came (as most sources have said) from Hillary's campaign. This implication that Obama was possibly a Muslim in the past is the worst kind of racist pandering. The fact that she said in a 60 Minutes interview (paraphrasing), "Obama is not a Muslim ... as far as I know," shows that she really, sincerely is nothing but politics-as-usual.
Just because you have a donkey instead of an elephant backing you doesn't mean that these tactics are any less stomach-churning. If Karl Rove had employed this exact same tactic against a Democratic candidate, Hillary would be the first person to condemn them. Yet she and her supporters tried to practice the same old Republican fear tactics that we've been hearing for the last 7 1/2 years.
I really did think Hillary was better than that, but it turns out that she become so myopic toward a presidential nomination that she lost her soul in the process. This kind of behavior would fit right into a Bush White House. It's shameful behavior.
I do have to say one thing about the female support base that Hillary has; it is remarkable how so many women have so blindly followed Hillary throughout the last few months. Is it because they just want a female president? Would it be some kind of vicarious victory for all women? Do these women really believe in Hillary and her underhanded tactics, or do they just "relate" to her? If Hillary had all the same qualities and "accomplishments" (35 or so years of it), but were a male, would these female voters still take to her? How much of this is a belief in Hillary herself as the nation's Chief Executive, and how much of it is a recognition of similar genitalia? In my opinion, this tunnel-vision by some female voters has been petty, and in my mind has really set the feminist movement back, because if these so-called feminists are so ready to overlook major ethical lapses (Hillary's campaign called it "the Kitchen Sink"), then how are we to believe that their movement itself is in support of what's right, rather than just being in support of A Woman.
The irony is that, although I previously thought the whole idea of "Superdelegates" was idiotic, it may have done its job in saving the Democratic party from itself by thwarting Hillary's runaway momentum. I think to those observers who saw both sides, they could see that Obama -- for his shortcomings -- is a man with far more integrity than his rival. While Hillary brags of her 35 years of "accomplishments," Obama had quietly made his own changes in this country, and not in hallowed political buildings with speeches and grandstanding, but in [gasp!] real life. I hold out a slight bit of hope for the Democrats that they could see through Hillary's monotonous facade and reject her Rovian political tricks.
The fact that Hillary plans to "fight on" rather than hand the torch over to Obama shows me that she is far more interested in her own victories than the victories of her party, or in the interests of the nation. I sincerely hope that Obama shuts her completely out of the Vice-Presidential "Veepstakes" in the coming months. Hillary should not be rewarded for being disingenuous at best, and dishonest at worst.
While the year is still young and the 2008 Presidential Election is still five months away, the Democratic Party has done almost everything it could to self-destruct this first half of the year. I grew up a Democrat, but turned in my card about a decade ago, and nearly everything that has happened in the last ten years has reinforced my decision. [Note: I'm not a Republican, in case you were wondering. If you know me personally, this is readily apparent.]
And while there are a lot of people who could be blamed for taking what appeared to be a slam-dunk Democratic win in November and turning it into more of a question mark, I blame one person, one remarkable lady.
I think you know who I'm talking about. Her husband's first name is the same as mine.
Hillary. Oh Hillary. Every shred of respect that I ever had for this woman has evaporated in the last 6 months. I have never been a Hillary hater. I voted for her in 2000 when she was running for Senator in my state. (Granted, she was running against Rick Lazio, a terrible Republican candidate.) I blamed much of the rancor and vitriol with which she was met during her First Lady years on partisan bile and veiled sexism. (I still blame much of that on her.)
But in the last several months, I have seen why so many people cannot stand her. Now before you start in on me, I am not bothered by the fact that she is a "strong woman." I have tons of strong women in my life -- ones that retain far more integrity than Ms. Clinton -- and am not bothered by her accomplishments.
What I find abhorrent about this woman is the same thing that I would find despicable about any other man: she will do anything to be President. She doesn't care about the country. She doesn't care about the Democratic Party. She doesn't care about being a good person. And if she does care one iota about any of these, they are dwarfed by her drive to become the first female president, and by her sense of entitlement.
Why does this have to be? Is this her way of completing her own "I Will Survive" story after being publicly cuckolded by her husband? Is it some sort of destiny she feels she's fulfilling? Does she just want to stick it to the Republicans?
Frankly, I don't give a shit.
What she has done is taken a once-in-a-lifetime presidential candidate (that would be the future HNIC Barack Obama) and pulled him from his lofty perch. She has used innuendo (that he could be a Muslim, who knows!), outright racism (using aging wackjob Geraldine Ferraro to make racist comment after racist comment, and ended up becoming a contributor to Faux News) and inauthentic outrage.
Hillary has made things so bad that her menopausal female constituency are now threatening to vote for John McCain rather than support Obama. (Any female Democrat who does this not only relinquishes their right to accuse blacks of playing the "race card," but should probably also have their future votes halved.)
I think the day I turned was when that picture of Obama in a silly sort of African garb came out, and came (as most sources have said) from Hillary's campaign. This implication that Obama was possibly a Muslim in the past is the worst kind of racist pandering. The fact that she said in a 60 Minutes interview (paraphrasing), "Obama is not a Muslim ... as far as I know," shows that she really, sincerely is nothing but politics-as-usual.
Just because you have a donkey instead of an elephant backing you doesn't mean that these tactics are any less stomach-churning. If Karl Rove had employed this exact same tactic against a Democratic candidate, Hillary would be the first person to condemn them. Yet she and her supporters tried to practice the same old Republican fear tactics that we've been hearing for the last 7 1/2 years.
I really did think Hillary was better than that, but it turns out that she become so myopic toward a presidential nomination that she lost her soul in the process. This kind of behavior would fit right into a Bush White House. It's shameful behavior.
I do have to say one thing about the female support base that Hillary has; it is remarkable how so many women have so blindly followed Hillary throughout the last few months. Is it because they just want a female president? Would it be some kind of vicarious victory for all women? Do these women really believe in Hillary and her underhanded tactics, or do they just "relate" to her? If Hillary had all the same qualities and "accomplishments" (35 or so years of it), but were a male, would these female voters still take to her? How much of this is a belief in Hillary herself as the nation's Chief Executive, and how much of it is a recognition of similar genitalia? In my opinion, this tunnel-vision by some female voters has been petty, and in my mind has really set the feminist movement back, because if these so-called feminists are so ready to overlook major ethical lapses (Hillary's campaign called it "the Kitchen Sink"), then how are we to believe that their movement itself is in support of what's right, rather than just being in support of A Woman.
The irony is that, although I previously thought the whole idea of "Superdelegates" was idiotic, it may have done its job in saving the Democratic party from itself by thwarting Hillary's runaway momentum. I think to those observers who saw both sides, they could see that Obama -- for his shortcomings -- is a man with far more integrity than his rival. While Hillary brags of her 35 years of "accomplishments," Obama had quietly made his own changes in this country, and not in hallowed political buildings with speeches and grandstanding, but in [gasp!] real life. I hold out a slight bit of hope for the Democrats that they could see through Hillary's monotonous facade and reject her Rovian political tricks.
The fact that Hillary plans to "fight on" rather than hand the torch over to Obama shows me that she is far more interested in her own victories than the victories of her party, or in the interests of the nation. I sincerely hope that Obama shuts her completely out of the Vice-Presidential "Veepstakes" in the coming months. Hillary should not be rewarded for being disingenuous at best, and dishonest at worst.
Sunday, June 01, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
American Idol - SEASON 7 LIVEBLOG!
I know that liveblogging is rather passe these days. Or is it, I'm not even sure. I've been without a computer for along time and I'm woefully out of touch. But now, I'm back up online -- and with a laptop no less -- so I figure why the heck not try it.
And what should I liveblog? Well, of course, American Idol. Not only do I have a love/hate relationship with this show, but it is such wonderfully fertile fodder for snarky quips and salient observations. This season, my feeling for the show has been much more hate than love. The contestants have been (although arguably the most talented) certainly the most bland, the songs and celebrity mentors have been mostly lame-o (although they did mercifully not subject us to the wax-faced Barry Manilow again this year), and my hatred for the mush-mouthed Randy Jackson has reached a fever pitch. Combine that with the fact that last night's Idol finale between David Cook and David Archleta was the worst on record (not in terms of the singing but in terms of the show's production value), and I think I'm ready to finally release a torrent of cathartic venom on this capsizing ship. Lord forgive me (or at least Javen forgive me).
Plus, I am going to drink while I'm doing it. Times are Eastern Standard.
Let's blog it out.
Well, whoever won, they are both winners in my book. I hope you enjoyed taking this little journey with me. I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to watch next year. Not without a ton of alcohol. Oh well, it's onto Beer #6, The Duke of Winship. See ya next year!
And what should I liveblog? Well, of course, American Idol. Not only do I have a love/hate relationship with this show, but it is such wonderfully fertile fodder for snarky quips and salient observations. This season, my feeling for the show has been much more hate than love. The contestants have been (although arguably the most talented) certainly the most bland, the songs and celebrity mentors have been mostly lame-o (although they did mercifully not subject us to the wax-faced Barry Manilow again this year), and my hatred for the mush-mouthed Randy Jackson has reached a fever pitch. Combine that with the fact that last night's Idol finale between David Cook and David Archleta was the worst on record (not in terms of the singing but in terms of the show's production value), and I think I'm ready to finally release a torrent of cathartic venom on this capsizing ship. Lord forgive me (or at least Javen forgive me).
Plus, I am going to drink while I'm doing it. Times are Eastern Standard.
Let's blog it out.
Beer #1: Ommegang Abbey Ale out of a tulip glass. Yes, a tulip glass. Oh how I love to put my lips on a tulip glass. Despite the fact that I am liveblogging American Idol, I am still heterosexual. But then again, the show is two hours long, and who knows what could happen.
8:00. Okay, this boxing/gladitator/Rocky IV thing has got to stop already. Last night it was Jim Lampley and Michael Buffer speaking in lame-ass boxing metaphors. Tonight, the show opens on the Davids both dressed in pure white, staring each other down under a hot spotlight. Don't they realize that these two are both colossal pussbags and can't look intimidating not matter how hard they stare at each other? Give it a rest, Idol; Jon Heder looked more intimidating in "Blades of Glory."
It seems like they are going to do a repeat of last night, where it was less a celebration of music and the contestants -- as it had been in the past -- and this attempt to make it more "confrontational," even though I've seen more machismo in "The Birdcage." If this was between Syesha and either of the Davids, at least we would have been spared this faux-intensity.
8:01. Was that Lori Laughlin in the audience??? Have mercy! Wait, how the hell did she score tickets?
8:02. Randy Jackson is dressed like Austin Powers, Paula looks pretty good. Simon still dresses like Tom Jones (the singer or the Albert Finney character, take your pick). Randy is the king of false jocularity, shouting "Boo!" when they announce Simon's name. He's so playful and not at all forced.
8:03. Mikayla Gordon and Matt Rogers are reporting from Kansas City Moe and Salt Lake City, respectively. The one in SLC looks like an Aryan youth rally. Relax, I only mean because there are so many white people there. And they probably do all hate black people. Except Karl Malone of course.
8:04. The Idols come out in matching white outfits and perform "Get Ready" by either the Four Tops or the Temptations. I am totally gay for these performances, even though they always end up looking like an Up With People performance. I see Syesha is pulling a Haley Scarnato and showing off her legs. Too little too late, Syeesh.
It is weird to see all the Idols who got booted off. I had just assumed they all went into some sort of exile. It's nice to Brooke White back, dancing incredibly awkwardly. I've seen a more natural arm motion on Rick Allen.
8:10. Fine, so I'm actually digging the version of "Hero" that the Davids are doing. Their harmonics are actually working for me. Maybe all the song really ever needed was less Chad Kroeger. If Cook sang this last night, he would have won for sure. (Current Gay-O-Meter: 7/10) Jesus, they are really gonna milk the shit outta this show aren't they? It's only ten after.
8:12. I can already tell this Guru Pitka business is going to be a Mike Myers mug-fest. Ok the Sitar Hero thing kinda made me laugh. Crap, that was actually kind of amusing. I hate laughing at corny shit. Archuleta said that he didn't have any idea what the Guru was talking about; I just realized he was born in 1991 or 1992 (Wikipedia says just a few days before New Year's of 1991). Holy shit I am old; certainly too old to be liveblogging American Idol. Well, either way, within the next few days Archuleta will be swimming in teenaged ass.
8:18. Syesha and Seal. Syesha looks hot. So does Seal! I've moved on to Beer #2 Middle Ages ImPaled Ale. It looks like Syesha has really tried to shed the Bohemian look in the last few weeks, letting her curly hair go straight. It's gettin' the job done, although I still don't like her self-satisfied smirk. I just saw Joel McHale from The Soup. How can he make fun of this show if he's there?
8:21. So Jessica Alba is in that "Love Guru" movie eh? And Stephen Colbert?? And Jim GAFFIGAN??? I'm so effing there.
8:25. Seacrest says that interviewing Jason Castro was "lit'rally like pulling teeth." Was it? Really? Jason's version of "Hallelujah" is actually pretty good. Come to think of it, he could do pretty well putting out albums that sound like Jeff Buckley. Hopefully he doesn't jump into Wolf River and drown.
8:28. The obligatory "best-of" the behind the scenes of the Idols just havin' fun on the sets of all their Ford commercials. Just pallin' around, making faces and having a wonderful time.
8:29. These two pricks each get a hybrid car? Got-dammit. Archuleta's mom is not bad looking for whatever her age might be.
8:30. No human being has ever looked more out of place than Amanda Overmeyer looks singing Donna Summer. That little 4'6" Ramiele Malubay is so damn cute; I just wanna put her in my pocket like one of those little Tamagotchi pets. Donna Summer not looking too awful for her age, although she does look pregnant. Better than Gloria Gaynor at least. Eesh. Good lord Seacrest was just dancing. I have moved onto Beer #3, Middle Ages Swallow Wit Belgian White. Paula stands and claps, and I think I just saw Fantasia Barrino with fire-truck red hair; and I thought she couldn't get less attractive.
8:36. The preview for "The Incredible Hulk" is showing. Okay, here's my main issue. They improved a lot it seems: better actor playing Bruce Banner (Edward Norton this time, although Eric Bana is no slouch), looks like more action and less brooding psychobabble. But they have the SAME STUPID-LOOKING CARTOON HULK. They couldn't find a way to make the Hulk have a realistic-looking face this time?! It's like they took the same damn special effects and just shifted them over to this movie. The Hulk from the Ang Lee version didn't work because the Hulk -- the actual creature -- never felt real. It looks like a CGI graphic with a cartoon face. If you are gonna reboot the damn franchise, reboot the damn avatar while you're at it too. No wonder Ed Norton isn't doing any promotions for the movie. Pee break!
8:39. Angering Lou Dobbs, Pat Buchanan and xenophobes everywhere, here's Carly Smithson and Michael Johns! Singing, "The Letter." These goddamnm foreigners are stealing our Vietnam anthems now? They're probably too hopped-up on Vegemite and Guinness to notice. They can sure both belt it out though.
8:43. Why does Jimmy Kimmel always look like the sun is directly in his face? I mean I'm a squinter too but I'm not on national TV. I like that they at least let him do a mini-roast, although it would have been nice to see him skewer Randy's stupid ass.
8:45. Goody, it's time to "rock out." With .... fucking Bryan Adams?? Die...all of you just die with this sentimental "I got my first real six-string" poppycock. I guess for American Idol, Bryan Adams is as close to "rocking out" as they can get. Oh. I get it. He's actually there at the theater. Well this song he's singing is garbage, must be from his new album. He must be making a comeback, since they mentioned him on "HIMYM" the other night. I need Beer #4, Middle Ages Beast Bitter. You may soon witness this normally-erudite blog's descent into incoherency.
8:53. I kinda liked that Joe Torre State Farm commercial, if only for the fact that I don't have to hate him anymore now that he's with a boring, inoffensive team. Boy, Grady Little must hate him for so many reasons.
8:55. Jordin Sparks talking about The American Idol Experience at Disney World. Oy. And no, David Cook, performing with Z.Z. Top still doesn't take the focus off of your horribly unkempt facial hair. (I know, I know, pot-kettle-black and all that. Quiet Tracie.)
8:59. Wow, Graham Nash and Brooke White singing "Teach Your Children." This song always reminds me of my mom. Their harmonics aren't quite up to CSNY-snuff, but not horrible. Brooke White should have at least put on shoes, because her protruding right foot looks as if she's been walking across hot coals and it's frankly distracting me. I want to know what the hell Crosby and Stills were too busy doing to be here for this joyous and momentous occasion. Brooke remembered all the words which is a bonus.
9:03. Oh good, the "Sex & the City" movie. A film about four aging sluts. My hatred just brought my gay level back to normal. (Gay-O-Meter: 3/10.) Pee break!
9:06. Seacrest said, "They need no intro, here's [inaudible female fan screaming]." Apparently they do need intro because I have no idea who the fuck they are. Is it Menudo? Wait, let me take a guess. [Wild guess on Wikipedia.] Yup, the Jonas Brothers. I'm glad there are kids here to pick up the mantle that Blink-182 left behind. The floppy-haired super-Menudo-looking one is wearing the shiniest silver suit I've ever seen. And I've seen a lot. I'm sure that song will really hold up a few years from now. I just saw Justin Guarini.
9:09. A "worst-of" montage from this season. Some of the freakshows of the early rounds, including the "Let my pipple GO-O-O-O!" guy. Also, the "I Am Your Brother" guy in the plush Mercury hat. Please show Milo Turk, please show Milo Turk... The USC marching band comes on for the "I Am Your Brother" guy. I would have much preferred to hear "No Sex Allowed." Wow that Marching band fiasco got so bad they had to give it the Bill Conti "play off" music and go to commercial.
9:18. Wander Republic? Juan's Republic? I have no idea who this is. Okay, I guess it's OneRepublic. Since I only listen to space radio, I have no idea who this is but I'm sure they will be a huge, Coldplay-level band within the next 6 months based on this appearance. It worked for Rascal Flats. This song isn't terrible, but definitely fits into the Keane /Coldplay /Aqualung /James Blunt motif. This is the kind of music Archuleta is going to be making. This or Josh Groban.
9:21. Former Idol contestant (and current hair-regrowth pitchman) Matt Rogers says "the biggest party in Utah is happening right here." That's like saying, "The biggest orgy in the Vatican...." Archuleta's dad is there; seems like a sweet old man but he clearly raised a real prick for a son.
9:23. Jordin Sparks singing in a large shiny gold dress. I'm sure this song is popular but it sounds like any crappy Kelly Rowland song and she is way the crap off-key. At least I don't have to look up Blake Lewis's nose for this portion of the show. Speaking of which, I wonder if all the previous six Idol winners will be there. So far I've seen Reuben, Jordin and Fantasia. Kelly, Carrie and Taylor Hicks are heretofore conspicuously absent.
9:27. Wow, another manchild Adam Sandler movie. Glad to see how much he's evolved as an ACK-tor. I wonder if he will beat up someone in the movie who was mean to him earlier in the movie.
9:31. Ben Stiller, Jack Black and Robert Downey Jr. as the Pips. I'm not sure how funny this actually is, but there is something great about seeing a method actor like Robert Downey, Jr. slumming it. He looks amazing in that new "Tropic Thunder" movie, by the way.
9:35. Ahh, here comes Carrie Underwood. And speaking of showing a little leg! I hope TMZ has a cameraman standing in the front row. You gotta hand it to Carrie for staying loyal to Idol. I know why Kelly Clarkson has beef with the show, but for pete's sake, just show up once a year. For the fans, Kelly, the fans! Like ME! (Gay-O-Meter: 10/10.) Pee break!
(On to Beer #5, Southern Tier Uber Sun. I am representin' Upstate New York tonight, my friends!)
9:42. A cool preview for a TV show upcoming, apparently on Fox. I just saw Lt. Daniels from "The Wire" (ie. the greatest show in the history of television). Apparently it's called "Fringe" and it looks kind of awesome.
9:43. "Faith" by George Michael. Huh. How 'bout that. And Kristi Lee Cook leading it off no less. It's about time she started shaking her moneymaker. Amanda Overmeyer's voice sounds like when Maya Rudolph used to be that character on Saturday Night Live who called a Hyundai a "Hy-UN-Die-ay." Uh-oh, Michael Johns is singing "Father Figure." Could George Michael (the singer-songwriter) be in the house????
9:44. Wait for it..........
9:45. Here comes "Freedom '90." (Gay-O-Meter: still 10/10.)
9:46. Oh please, George Michael, be there. You were on the "Extras" Christmas Special, surely you can slum it for just a few minutes.
9:47. BOO-YAA! He's still a ladies man! Although he's dressed strangely like a cross between Bono and a priest. Boy his voice sure sounds off though. Paula is crying. PAULA IS CRYING!
9:53. Okay, we have the new American Idol coming up.... after the break. Break out the confetti and tears and Paula's arhythmic clapping.
9:57. Final thoughts of the year by the judges. Randy: you dudes brought it down to the wire, you're both winners. Paula: I'm honored, you two are truly amazing. It's the beginning of the destiny of your career. Simon: It wasn't so clear cut as we called it. I don't really care who wins, I think you've both done terrific.
9:58. The pencil-pusher with the results. And the winner is...
10:00. Of course, my DVR stops about 5 seconds before they announce the winner. Goddamn fucking Fox. Oh well, I guess there's no way to find out now.
Well, whoever won, they are both winners in my book. I hope you enjoyed taking this little journey with me. I'm not sure if I'm gonna be able to watch next year. Not without a ton of alcohol. Oh well, it's onto Beer #6, The Duke of Winship. See ya next year!
Friday, May 16, 2008
Right-Wing Blowhard Gets Pwned
Chris Matthews is kind of a dick sometimes...
But this is one of the greatest things I've ever seen on one of these pundit shows ever ever ever ever.
This Kevin James douchehole (not the King of Queens, don't worry) tried to defend his hero Dubya, calling my man Barack an "appeaser," using the example of Britain's Neville Chamberlain giving away the store to Hitler in the early 1930s.
When Matthews asks this dumbfuck, what DID Neville Chamberlain do, the guy simply could not answer. He stammers and stutters and says the word "appeaser" over and over again, when it's clear he has no idea what the fuck he's talking about.
Watch and cringe....
This is the epitome of brainless, knee-jerk punditry. If you hear a fucking stupid idiot spouting off bullshit in the defense of his or her party, call them out. And remember dear readers, negotiating isn't fucking appeasement. They are not synonyms; they have different dictionary entries for a reason. Maybe if the jackasses running our current administration had remembered that it's okay to have diplomacy with our enemies (see: The Cuban Missile Crisis for example), we wouldn't be mired in the shitstorm we are currently trudging through.
You can repeat your Talking Points as many times as you want, that doesn't make them true, no matter how many simple-minded people believe them. Go ahead and talk about lapel pins and not putting your hand on your heart for the national anthem. When your cousin or neighbor's kid dies in Iraq -- God forbid -- maybe you'll start to forget about all the bullshit for a while.
But this is one of the greatest things I've ever seen on one of these pundit shows ever ever ever ever.
This Kevin James douchehole (not the King of Queens, don't worry) tried to defend his hero Dubya, calling my man Barack an "appeaser," using the example of Britain's Neville Chamberlain giving away the store to Hitler in the early 1930s.
When Matthews asks this dumbfuck, what DID Neville Chamberlain do, the guy simply could not answer. He stammers and stutters and says the word "appeaser" over and over again, when it's clear he has no idea what the fuck he's talking about.
Watch and cringe....
This is the epitome of brainless, knee-jerk punditry. If you hear a fucking stupid idiot spouting off bullshit in the defense of his or her party, call them out. And remember dear readers, negotiating isn't fucking appeasement. They are not synonyms; they have different dictionary entries for a reason. Maybe if the jackasses running our current administration had remembered that it's okay to have diplomacy with our enemies (see: The Cuban Missile Crisis for example), we wouldn't be mired in the shitstorm we are currently trudging through.
You can repeat your Talking Points as many times as you want, that doesn't make them true, no matter how many simple-minded people believe them. Go ahead and talk about lapel pins and not putting your hand on your heart for the national anthem. When your cousin or neighbor's kid dies in Iraq -- God forbid -- maybe you'll start to forget about all the bullshit for a while.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Rude Bastards
Three rude things that happened to me within 60 minutes yesterday while at work:
Since tomorrow is Mother's Day, I would like to thank my dear old Mum (and my Dad as well, I suppose) for raising me the right way -- for the most part anyway. I can't imagine being not only so rude and selfish as some people, but also so oblivious to it. I am completely self-aware that I am a stubborn, arrogant, argumentative, raging asshole, so at least I have that going for me.
[Update: Syntactical correction made on the advice of my editor. Thanks T.S.]
- I was waiting for the elevator to get to my floor in the morning. I was already running a little late, and due to my recent fiber-obsession, was eager to get to a working toilet. There were about three people waiting for the elevator when I got to it, but since the elevator wasn't coming, the queue started to pile up. I noticed that the button wasn't lit up (obviously something wrong with the elevator) but the woman who had apprently pressed the button in the first place was leaning her body up agains the unlit button panel. I was wearing my iPod when I noticed that the button wasn't lit, so I nonchalantly snuck behind her and pressed the button so it lit up. The woman turned to me and said, "I pressed it I swear" and I just sorta waved it off, as if saying "no problem." (The woman was apparently too busy gabbing away to notice that we had been waiting an extraordinarily long time for an elevator that only goes six floors.) Finally, the elevator started to move in our direction. By the time it got there, however, the line
forto get on had grown. Finally, the elevator doors open, and though I was about the third or fourth person to wait for the elevator (moving to the side, of course, so people not getting on the elevator could get through the line), everyone else packed onto the elevator, leaving me the sole person who could not fit in the car. In fact, another guy walked up to the waiting line as the doors were opening and cut right in front of me to take the last spot. As the doors closed, I made brief eye contact with the lady who prevented the elevator from coming more expeditiously, and I think she could see how disappointed I was in her. - As I was exiting my building -- through the two sets of heavy glass doors -- I looked down for a brief second to take a sip of my coffee. BOOM. The door slammed in my face. The middle-aged African-American lady in front of me didn't even attempt to pretend to hold the door open while I went through. Coffee splashed all over my blazer's lapel. Though she could hear the door thud in my face, and hear me blurt out "godDAMMIT," she didn't even turn around.
- My buddy Bruce and I were waiting in line at the coffee shop. Again, although we were in line, we left a small break in the line so that people who were not in line could slip through. Of course, a wiry unshaven piece of white trash with a bushy moustache and a NASCAR cap simply cut in front of us and got in line. No, "Are you guys in line?" No "Excuse me." He just brings his Diet Coke and lottery tickets up to the counter and checks out.
Since tomorrow is Mother's Day, I would like to thank my dear old Mum (and my Dad as well, I suppose) for raising me the right way -- for the most part anyway. I can't imagine being not only so rude and selfish as some people, but also so oblivious to it. I am completely self-aware that I am a stubborn, arrogant, argumentative, raging asshole, so at least I have that going for me.
[Update: Syntactical correction made on the advice of my editor. Thanks T.S.]
Monday, May 05, 2008
Buzz Bissinger is an Aloof Douchebag
There have recently been seeds of discontent planted in the realm of sports news and sports journalism, and hopefully they will grow into a vine that chokes ESPN and Fox Sports and all the other "Gasbags on Parade" (Al Michaels's words) that have wrecked the way that the media has presented sports over the last half-decade.
If you have HBO and like sports a little bit, you may have caught the special CostasNow episode which explored sports media in America today. It discussed five topics: sports talk radio, the internet, sports TV, the relationships between journalists and athletes and -- of course -- race.
During the second segment about the internet, a galvanizing exchange took place betweeen Friday Night Lights author Buzz Bissinger, and Will Leitch of Deadspin.com (full disclosure: Deadspin is my favorite sports/humor website and they were even kind enough to link me once). Bob Costas moderated the discussion, with a clear initial bias against those dastardly "bloggers." Cleveland Browns WR Braylon Edwards was there and was about as interesting as the logo on the Cleveland Browns's helmets.
If you haven't seen the clip, you simply must. Click here to view the video and get a little bit of context, but then promise me you'll come right back. I'll wait....
So if you've watched the video, the gist coming from the esteemed Mr. Bissinger was this: bloggers aren't fit to carry the pocket protectors of "real" sports journalists. Blogs are lowering the discourse. Blogs are vile and mean-spirited. [Side note: I was amused that Buzz Bissinger talked about how he had "spent the last 40 years of my life trying to perfect the craft of the written word" and then uses the phrase "this really pisses the shit outta me." Well-crafted, Buzz. Well-crafted.]
There were a couple of somewhat valid points. Many bloggers are just crap writers out to shock with lots of filthy language. In some ways a "trained writer" such as Bissinger does have more credibility than the iconic "guy sitting in his underwear in his mom's basement." (By the way, that is becoming the most hackneyed, tired cliche since "If I told you I'd have to kill you." Everyone knows that I write this in my grandaddy's outhouse.) And maybe there is something to the idea that posting camera phone pictures of Matt Leinart with a bunch of college beach bunnies is somewhat irresponsible.
But within Bissinger's hissyfit were some staggering misconceptions and misdirections. Costas was worthless in trying to moderate the debate, and as much as I think he is a pioneer in internet writing, Will Leitch didn't quite get to the guts of the reasons why I believe Deadspin and other so-called "mean-spirited" sites exist in the first place.
To wit:
For those of us who can't stand what ESPN or sports writing (Peter Vescey, Peter King, Mike Lupica, Rick Reilly) have become, we need the communities of Deadspin and the like to react. Those who have become too big for their britches, and too comfortable among the rarefied air of the celebrites and athletes they were once charged with reporting on, are being called to task. And if it's done with dick jokes, then so be it.
If you have HBO and like sports a little bit, you may have caught the special CostasNow episode which explored sports media in America today. It discussed five topics: sports talk radio, the internet, sports TV, the relationships between journalists and athletes and -- of course -- race.
During the second segment about the internet, a galvanizing exchange took place betweeen Friday Night Lights author Buzz Bissinger, and Will Leitch of Deadspin.com (full disclosure: Deadspin is my favorite sports/humor website and they were even kind enough to link me once). Bob Costas moderated the discussion, with a clear initial bias against those dastardly "bloggers." Cleveland Browns WR Braylon Edwards was there and was about as interesting as the logo on the Cleveland Browns's helmets.
If you haven't seen the clip, you simply must. Click here to view the video and get a little bit of context, but then promise me you'll come right back. I'll wait....
So if you've watched the video, the gist coming from the esteemed Mr. Bissinger was this: bloggers aren't fit to carry the pocket protectors of "real" sports journalists. Blogs are lowering the discourse. Blogs are vile and mean-spirited. [Side note: I was amused that Buzz Bissinger talked about how he had "spent the last 40 years of my life trying to perfect the craft of the written word" and then uses the phrase "this really pisses the shit outta me." Well-crafted, Buzz. Well-crafted.]
There were a couple of somewhat valid points. Many bloggers are just crap writers out to shock with lots of filthy language. In some ways a "trained writer" such as Bissinger does have more credibility than the iconic "guy sitting in his underwear in his mom's basement." (By the way, that is becoming the most hackneyed, tired cliche since "If I told you I'd have to kill you." Everyone knows that I write this in my grandaddy's outhouse.) And maybe there is something to the idea that posting camera phone pictures of Matt Leinart with a bunch of college beach bunnies is somewhat irresponsible.
But within Bissinger's hissyfit were some staggering misconceptions and misdirections. Costas was worthless in trying to moderate the debate, and as much as I think he is a pioneer in internet writing, Will Leitch didn't quite get to the guts of the reasons why I believe Deadspin and other so-called "mean-spirited" sites exist in the first place.
To wit:
- Deadspin can be extremely crass, and because it exists in the Wild West that is the internet, it often goes to the extreme. I wouldn't be surprised, in fact, if some of the more profane bloggers somewhat took Bissinger's comments to heart and concentrated less on being "edgy" and actually attempting to write better. Having said that, Buzz set up a straw-man by picking a particularly absurdist piece to be "representative" of what blogs really are. Anyone who reads Deadspin can tell you not only that Will Leitch is a gifted writer (and one with a centrist's conscience among the many goons that the internet lures), but that the commenters and comments themselves can be some of the cleverest, most side-splittingly hilarious items on any internet site, professional or not. Deadspin is not popular because it is vulgar, it is popular because under the vulgarity lies a wit that can sometimes be unparalleled on the internet. (Please note, I am not a Deadspin commenter -- although I've tried to be -- so this observation is not some sort of clandestine patting of my own back.)
- If there is one thing that YouTube has taught us, it's that Regular Folks can often come up with ideas that are as creative or more creative than so-called "creative professionals." You can find four-minute clips on YouTube that are funnier than two of the last three Will Ferrell movies. (Movies suck in general now, but that's a topic for an upcoming post.) Amateurs are getting it right, and as Leitch said in the interview, the internet is a meritocracy. Things get noticed on the internet, by and large, because they are worth noticing. (Not always of course: for everything worth seeing there are 50 "Leave Britney Alone" ladyboys.) It's the reason The Onion and Funny or Die have gained followings; and you're telling me that some of the writers on Kissing Suzy Kolber or Fire Joe Morgan aren't at least as funny as some of the hacks they trot out on VH1 every few months?
My point is, you don't have to be professional to get it right. And if we have learned anything in the last few years about journalistic integrity, it's that ESPN doesn't have any. Not only have they turned SportsCenter into an unwatchable laser light show, but they have picked up the torch of pundits-yelling-at-each-other that used to belong to Hardball and Crossfire and any other similar (and since-subdued) political show, and made it more absurd by having Woody Paige and Skip Bayless yell at each other at full volume about a fucking pro football game. Honestly, when you really step back and think about it, you should calm the fuck down.
And as for being a "professional journalist," I don't buy for a second that Will Leitch doesn't have every right to be heard on the same level as a terrible, race-baiting writer like Scoop Jackson. Or that just because some blogger doesn't have a press pass that his or her opinion isn't just as valid as Mike Lupica.
Why isn't Buzz Bitchinger decrying the death of REAL media? Fox News is a GOP mouthpiece, run by Roger Ailes, the guy who created the Willie Horton ad campaign against Michael Dukakis in 1988. Why does Bill Fucking O'Reilly get a free pass, but A.J. Daulerio is questioned on literary merit. Why has no one called into question the journalistic cred of Bill Cunningham? Apparently you just have to be on TV, on radio, or have your work sold on a newsstand to be considered legit. I know the show was about sports, but Jesus, Bissinger, save that level of vitriol for a worthy target and not "Big Daddy Balls." - Finally, the real reason I think that Deadspin, Kissing Suzy Kolber, Fire Joe Morgan, Awful Announcing, The Big Lead and any other number of eminently readable blogs exist is because of four letters: ESPN.
ESPN used to be a sports fan's utopian dream. Sports all day and all night. For people who could literally not get enough sports, it was a godsend. And for the better part of 20 years, ESPN held up its end of the bargain, with great sports coverage and thoughtful analysis. But somewhere along the way, ESPN tried to make ESPN the central focus. Their anchors started overusing stupid catchphrases, rather than insight we started getting shrill "point/counterpoint" segments, and they began overhyping EVERYTHING, from Danny Almonte to Yankees-Red Sox to19-018-1*
When an entity gets so big and hubristic, it requires a reaction. Some thought it was going to be Fox Sports, but they became even more shrill and even more hellbent on cementing their own brand name. The reaction came from the internet.
We (and when I say we, I mean ordinary folks) got sick to death of ESPN overhyping itself, of discontinuing criticism of "untouchable" athletes. We tired of Stuart Scott and Ahmad Rashad fighting over which would get to ingest the last drop of Michael Jordan's precious bodily fluids. We abhorred Chris Berman's once-clever but now tortured nicknames. We lamented the fact that SportsCenter -- which we could easily, and often did, watch the same repated episode multiple times in a row -- became a loud, empty shiny object.
Mike and Mike became a brand name. The SportsCenter anchors started giving Belichick and Bobby Knight a free pass. Stephen A. Smith and Woody Paige became talking heads and no longer writers. What was once the greatest man-channel on the planet was now putting out a show called "ESPN Hollywood" and putting actors from "Desperate Housewives" in the booth on Monday Night Football.
Deadspin and other blogs have taken the luster off and the bluster out of ESPN. What was once the de-facto king of sports has now taken on criticism from those of us who remember what it once was. No longer are we forced to accept "Quite Frankly with Stephen A. Smith." ESPN no longer makes decisions without having to deal with the consequences, which they did for so long. When you have an Evil Empire, you will have a rebellion. Deadspin is that rebellion.
For those of us who can't stand what ESPN or sports writing (Peter Vescey, Peter King, Mike Lupica, Rick Reilly) have become, we need the communities of Deadspin and the like to react. Those who have become too big for their britches, and too comfortable among the rarefied air of the celebrites and athletes they were once charged with reporting on, are being called to task. And if it's done with dick jokes, then so be it.
Saturday, May 03, 2008
The Empire Strikes Barack
Not sure who created this but it's pretty damn cool. Worth spending the 5 minutes to check it out.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Rockin' Chicks
I'd have to say that there is a great dearth of female musicians in my music collection and I'm not sure why. Just because I feel like it, here are some pretty kick ass videos featuring female vocalists.
Sara Bareilles - "Love Song" (i know i'm super gay for liking this song but it's pretty awesome)
Dresden Dolls - "Girl Anachronism"
The New Pornographers - "Mass Romantic" (not the official video, but the best version of the song I could find online)
Melissa Auf der Maur - "Followed the Waves"
Metric - "I.O.U."
The Blow - "True Affection"
Cat Power - "He War"
Lily Allen - "Smile"
KT Tunstall - "Suddenly I See" (holy God am I gay)
Yael Naim - "New Soul"
The Fiery Furnaces - "Japanese Slippers"
Liz Phair - "Stratford-on-Guy"
Zero 7 - "Destiny (acoustic)"
Feist - "My Moon My Man" (everyone knows her from the iPod commercial but this whole album is pretty damn good)
And who could forget my future wife, Robin Sparkles....
Sara Bareilles - "Love Song" (i know i'm super gay for liking this song but it's pretty awesome)
Dresden Dolls - "Girl Anachronism"
The New Pornographers - "Mass Romantic" (not the official video, but the best version of the song I could find online)
Melissa Auf der Maur - "Followed the Waves"
Metric - "I.O.U."
The Blow - "True Affection"
Cat Power - "He War"
Lily Allen - "Smile"
KT Tunstall - "Suddenly I See" (holy God am I gay)
Yael Naim - "New Soul"
The Fiery Furnaces - "Japanese Slippers"
Liz Phair - "Stratford-on-Guy"
Zero 7 - "Destiny (acoustic)"
Feist - "My Moon My Man" (everyone knows her from the iPod commercial but this whole album is pretty damn good)
And who could forget my future wife, Robin Sparkles....
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