"Fast and Furious"

I am an eternal optimist, especially when it comes to the Bills. They could have no shot at winning 3 games all season, and I'll still pick them to make the playoffs. That's what nearly a decade of AFC East dominance does, even ten years after the fact.

BUT (and I know it's only pre-season), the Bills looked good on Thursday night in their 20-13 win over the Detroit Lions, especially on the opening drive. Quarterback J.P. Losman was 5 for 5 to start the game, marching the Bills 85 yards down the field to score on the opening drive. And it's not just that his passes were accurate: he was confident. He looked like he knew where the ball was supposed to go at all times. He was not dancing in the pocket, he was not looking left and right. He was in control. I know, things could fall apart in the regular season, but Jonathan Paul Losman, the Adam Sandler lookalike, was clearly the best QB on the team. I also like the change in offensive philosophy. New offensive coordinator Steve Fairchild seems to be using the Mike Martz school of offense and spreading the field out. Not only are they utilizing the outside speed of wide receivers Lee Evans and (welcome back) Peerless Price, but they are having Willis McGahee run more to the outside. They could be a fun offense to watch; seem to have some precision.


Also (and again, I know this is all pre-season), they committed zero penalties and no turnovers in the entire first half (which is when the first and second strings play the most). No major mistakes. This is a good sign, and maybe a sign that new head coach Dick Jauron is getting through to a team that was heavily penalized over the last five years. Maybe I'm being way too optimistic. I know they aren't going to make the Super Bowl. Heck, the chance of them even making the playoffs this year is a longshot, but if they can make some strides, I think they are about 2-3 years away from being a very good team.

I'm really digging the new Tampa-2 defense they're running now too. There is clearly a lot more speed on the line and on the ends, which is something they didn't have with 300-plus lb linemen Pat Williams and Sam Adams over the last few years. Now they have guys who can disrupt the inside lanes and plug the gaps, but who are also fast enough to get to the quarterback. And all those who said the Bills reached too high for Donte Whitner and John McCargo in this past year's draft should realize that Whitner is going to be the starter at strong safety, and McCargo is making nice strides in camp. Plus, apparently this kid Kyle Williams out of LSU is a bit of a steal. I like the defense very much.

I know that this year will likely be a crushing disappointment, as every year since 1965 has ultimately been. But you gotta have hope. Otherwise, what's the point?

LET'S GO BUF-FA-LO!

Happy 2nd Blogoversary To Me!

I just realized that today is my second Blogoversary! It seems like only 730 short days ago that I first wrote my very first blog, musing as only a genius like myself can on the Olympics. Ruminating on such controversial topics as the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. Making a prediction that the Seattle Seahawks would be good one season too early. Am I clairvoyant? Perhaps. Am I eloquent. You tell me. Do I have a lot of free time on my hands? Without question.

Since many people remember everything I write down for the rest of their lives, this part will probably be superfluous, but for the rest of you, it's essential. Exactly one year ago today, I created a list of the many topics I would cover over the coming year. Well, the year is past, let's see how I did.

• Football (check)
  
• Stupid shit that I did (check)
  
• Pictures of my newborn toddlers (nope, they ran away)
  
• Bad things that happened to me (um, yeah)
  
• Embarrassing things that happened to me
  
• Celebrities I hate (check and check)
  
• How much weight I've gained (keypad won't work, dammit)
  
• My iPod (check and mate)
  
• Ju-jitsu (and other forms of self-defense)
  
• Celebrities I think are hot (are your ears ringing, Jude Law?!)
  
• The boys my twin teenage daughters are dating (I killed them, sorry)
  
• How to get one side of the Rubik's Cube (almost got it!)
  
• Sneaking food into a movie theater (two words: big pockets)
  
• Which baseball cards will appreciate in value over the next five years (baseball cards are dead)
  
• Movie quotes ("you're fired Ed, bing-bong-bong")
  
• An "irreverent" look at religion (maybe?)
  
• Nutritious dishes you can make in under 40 minutes (I prefer to eat out)
  
• A tribute to Lance Bass (seriously, I had no idea)
  
• Cats (The animal, not the musical, silly!) (nope)
  
• My soon-to-be annual pledge drive (still waiting for your donation)
  
• World leaders Pat Robertson wants to assassinate now (not enough bandwidth)
  
• Rants against the evils of corporate America and the way that big business runs our country (been done)
  
• Crossword puzzles I've actually finished (hasn't happened)
  
• Rappers to which I give mad respect (check)
  

(Kidding aside, I never intended to blog about any of those things, and haven't read that post in a year, but hey, I keep my promises, even when it's unintentional.)

I'm not going to be so bold as to predict the topics for 2006-07, but let's hope the next 12 months bring all of us everything we want and more. Happy blogging!

The Herb Deluxe®

I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking, Sure, a guy like Bill Shannon is good to have around every once in a while. He's loud, he doesn't pay for anything, he'll finish what's on my plate when I can't have another bite. He's alright by me.

But [this is still you thinking], somehow there's something missing. And I can't quite put my finger on it. Is it his lack of hygiene? His unjustified arrogance? His unnecessary use of large words in incorrect context? No, that's not it.

Oh! you finally exclaim, I've got it! As adequate as that William Herbert is, he's just not diverse enough. Let's face it, the boy is white-bred.

Well I have read all your emails and letters and faxes and telegrams, and I have listened to all your concerns about my lack of diversity. And -- are you ready for a bombshell? -- you were right! I have been far too slow to embrace diversity in my own physical self. Every time you see Bill Shannon you see the same thing. White face, white face, white face, pasty, pale white face. Name another place you go where you see that much white? Besides the North Pole! Right? Am I right or what?

This is America. And whether you want to call it a melting pot, a fruit salad or a national mosaic, you can't go anywhere this day and age without seeing people of so many great and diverse ethnicities. I, much like the Boston Red Sox, have been reluctant to integrate myself.

So with the help of some focus groups, including some leading multiculturalism and anti-defamation organizations, I have come up with a Bill Shannon for the new millennium, a Bill Shannon that you can count on to represent not only fellow caucasians, but sundry other ethnic groups as well.

And as a special bonus, we have also had some well-known artists come in to give their own renditions of what a Bill Shannon might look like in their eyes. I think the results will surprise you.

Well enough pomp and pageantry, I would now like to unveil the Twenty-Ought-Six-and-Beyond version. The Herb Deluxe, if you will.

First, the control group. This is the Original Bill Shannon you have all come to know and tolerate.

Pleasant, timeless. It gets the job done, no questions asked. The slacked jaw, the poor eyesight. All your favorites are there. That's three decades of mediocrity all up in your grillpiece, son. Recognize!

But you've probably had enough of that. Let's take a look at something a little more dangerous. I mean, have you ever wondered, I wonder what a Bill Shannon would look like as an East Asian?

Wonder no further, simply cast your eyes just inches upward and enjoy the Bill Shannon that comes from the Land of the Rising Sun. Sure, the Original Bill Shannon has wee eyes that obscure his breathtaking baby-blues. But East Asian Bill Shannon's eyes belie a sort of exotic (perhaps dangerous?) effect, one that says, Konichiwa! Ichiban! Domo Origato, Mr DiGiacomo. (That is literally the only Japanese I know, and I don't even know it. East Asian Bill Shannon is going to need some tweaking.)

But let's say that language barrier is too much for you. Let's say your name isn't Mike "Beach Justice" Shannon, but you still would like Bill Shannon to be a "brother." I've just the thing.

Afro-Carribbean Bill Shannon does not mess around. You can tell by the look in his eyes that he is determined and ready to throw down. But he's not a bad guy, he's just misunderstood. That look on his face is not anger, it's the pain that generations of oppression and injustice have brought. Afro-Carribbean Bill Shannon is not interested in messing a brotha up, but he does demand your respect. And notice, that even the Afro-Carribbean Bill Shannon does not come with eyebrows. (Ratzin-fratzin-googly-moogly...)

West-Asian Bill Shannon is one of the good ones. You can let him on the plane. Trust me. He's with me (leather).


Let's say you're appreciative of the diversity I've provided (and with the copious examples I have provided, you should be!), but you are still not satisfied. Why don't we fire up the ol' Flux Capacitor and jump in the TIME MACHINE?! Once that Delorean hits 88, you will see the inexorable march that Bill Shannon has made (and will continue to make) through time.

There are five distinct stages of a Bill Shannon in his lifetime. I hope you enjoy all of them. I only really enjoyed two of them.

First there is Baby Billy. You just want to pinch his face and give him $5, don't you? This is apparently right after baby's first beard-trimming.
Then Pre-Pubescent Bill (and no that is not like five years ago, haters!). His whole life ahead of him, and a trail of bodies behind him. Forget I said that last part.


The Original Version (see above). Unbelievably handsome, sure, I mean scary handsome. But let's not forget that has a very efficient notecard filing system. (Boy I really wish I hadn't brought that up.)

And Old-Timer Bill. If you call him Gramps you're bound to get a rap to the kisser, wise-guy!

But what's the fifth stage? Ah-HA! It was a trick! For the fifth stage, we go not back in time, but back in the evolution of man! (This one is for you, Tracie my dear.) I present to you, Half-Monkey-Half-Bill-Shannon!
Note, even in his primitive homo habilis state, he is still wearing eyeglasses. That's a commitment to good vision.

Now, it's a sad fact that Bill Shannon is not going to live forever folks. I know I know, you don't even wanna think about that. Trust me, neither do I! Ha ha ha ha ha, ahhhhh.... But anyway, when Bill Shannon is no longer here in a physical sense, he will always be here in physical essence. His spirit, his aura, will always be with you. No matter what. Bill Shannon is like Obi-Wan Kenobi in that way, except if Bill Shannon saw a mofo like Darth Vader coming up to him with a lightsaber, Bill Shannon would get the **** outta dodge, yaknowwhatumsayin?

But when Bill Shannon's physical being isn't here on earth for others to enjoy, we have to with the next best thing: art. Now many have debated what true art is. Is everything art? Is nothing art? Who decides what art is? Whatever your opinion, I don't think there will be any doubt that the following creations are not only works of art, but works of exquisite art. Mainly because of the subject matter.

Since we couldn't afford any real, living artists to create a tribute to Bill Shannon, I had to create some myself, using the styles of artists of the past. For example, had you ever wondered what Bill Shannon would look like if he were painted by the immortal Botticelli?
Well we'll never know, of course, because Botticelli has been dead since the early 1500s, but I am confident that the master couldn't do any better than the above.

What about Modigliani?
Sure Bill Shannon looks a little, shall we say "priggish" in this picture, but he has been known to be that way in real life as well.

And the great El Greco wanted to have a crack at Bill Shannon, and I don't think anyone could have asked for anything better.
Plus I look skinny as hell.

There is only one more version I'm unleashing at this time, which doesn't really fit into any of the other categories, and that is Drunk Bill.

According to some sort of complex mathematical theorem, the above picture is a hypothetical approximation of what Bill Shannon would look like had he consumed a few alcoholic beverages. Is this what Bill Shannon might look like in that state? I guess the world will never know. (Apparently when it happens though, he will be using a mouthguard.)

So there you have it. I'm hoping that this, my mandatory sensitivity training and my 360 hours of community service will finally silence those who say that Bill Shannon doesn't represent them, and only caters to his own interests. Nothing, friends, could be further from the truth. Next time you say, Bill Shannon is two-faced, just remember: it's more like eight or nine!!!!!!!

I Know This Isn't the Year, But...

I am very happy to see that the Bills didn't completely embarrass themselves yesterday. And apparently J.P. Losman is finally making some strides, ending the game going 13-for-13 passing. He started off slow but had a decent second half, including a couple of time-consuming drives. I didn't actually see the game, so maybe they did look like crap (and I'm soooo pissed I didn't DVR it) but at least the defense didn't allow any points in the second half and they only lost by one. Besides, it is pre-season after all.



I'm actually just happy to see that J.P. can actually get the offense into some kind of a rhythm, and controlling the ball in the second half is a good sign. I am more interested in evaluating the talent rather than the final score.



Bottom line: It's football season baby! And I'm finally getting excited about it! Finally seeing those red helmets made it kick in for me. I've gone without football for so long that I forgot how excited I get about it. For the first time in a while, I have not had that much anticipation for this season, but it's hitting me now.

Perhaps to exorcise the demons of the past, I am going to present the five most heartbreaking moments in Bills history from 1988 to present. I have narrowed this down from the thousands-upon-thousands from which to choose, and these are the ones that either made me cry, made me break something, or made me physically ill.

#5. Black Monday. This was the day in 2000 that the late John Butler, who was their General Manager at the time, released three Hall of Fame players -- Andre Reed, Thurman Thomas and Bruce Smith -- on the same day. These three players were the symbols of the Super Bowl years, and Butler just dropped 'em. Thurman found out about it on the news; they didn't even call him to tell him. One might say that the franchise has been on a downswing every since. You don't just drop the heart of your team like that.

#4. 1988 AFC Championship Game. This is my favorite Bills team of all time. They were 12-4 that year and would have had home field advantage throughout the playoffs (they were 8-0 at home that year) if they had won their last regular season game against the Colts. In fact, I'm tempted to say that the Colts game was actually the heartbreaker, since it cost them home field advantage.

Anyway, the Bills were so good that year. It was the year the tore the goalposts down when they won the division, and they were just great to watch. They had the #1 defense in the AFC -- the Blizzard Defense -- and all their great players were coming into their prime. So they won their first playoff game against the Oilers on New Years Day and then went to Cincinnati and just got beat up. Cincinnati's no-huddle offense was pretty potent that year but they were a bunch of assholes. I really hated that Bengals team. Douchebag David Fulcher, illiterate James Brooks, cheater Cris Collinsworth (oh yeah, he cheated in that game), flash-in-the-pan Ickey Woods. I hate them all. The Bills were so close that year and boy did that game hurt.

#3. Ronnie Harmon drops the ball. In the 1989 Playoffs the Bills were playing the Browns in Cleveland. This was the year of the "Bickering Bills," where two assistant coaches got into a fist-fight and Jim Kelly and receiver Chris Burkett got into a fight on the sidelines in front of cameras on Monday Night Football. Oh, and Thurman Thomas called Jim Kelly out on TV about being a leader and to stop pointing fingers.

So this game was really hard fought, and both teams were just trading touchdowns back and forth. Thurman had a huge game, with 13 catches and two touchdowns. But a missed extra point put them down by 4 instead of 3 points, which means they had to go for a touchdown. Late in the 4th quarter, Jim Kelly (who threw for 405 yards and 4 TD's) threw a perfect pass in the back of the end zone to Ronnie Harmon. But Ronnie dropped it. It was sickening, and a very cruel introduction to the decade of the 1990s.

#2. Super Bowl XXV. Norwood, wide right. Read about it here. I don't want to talk about it.



#1. The Music City Miracle OR The Immaculate Deception.



This is one of the most disputed plays in football history. End of the game, Bills march down the field to score what appears to be the winning field goal. Bills kick off with like a minute left, and the Tennessee Titans call a play called "Homerun Throwback," which entails a lateral throw from Frank Wycheck to Kevin Dyson. The ball is thrown from the middle of the field toward the sideline, the Bills are all caught out of their lanes and running toward the middle, and Dyson flies down the sideline for the touchdown.

You can watch the original broadcast here:



A few things about this game. First of all, it was 10 years almost to the day after Ronnie Harmon's dropped pass (see #3 above). And I have never felt more sick to my stomach after a sporting event. I remember that I was watching the game at Javen's Midler Ave house, and when the Bills scored that field goal, I was ecstatic. And when the Titans ran it back, I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach and then ripped my heart out of my chest. No single sporting event in my life hurt that much. I remember after the game ended, I just kind of left and got in my car and went home. I was in such a daze. I think I drove around the neighborhood for about an hour, just trying to make sense of it. I'll never forget it.

The other thing is that -- and I don't care what anyone says about this -- IT WAS A FORWARD PASS, which made it an illegal play. I will go to my grave with that knowledge. And if people can't admit that much, can't they at least acknowledge the possibility that it was a forward pass? I remember shortly after the game, the scourge of Western New York, Paul Maguire, said something like "there is no disputing it was a legal play." I don't think anyone would say there is no disputing it. I have wanted to put a knife in Maguire's face ever since. Wade Phillips was so stupid.

So goes the list of heartbreak. Let's hope we can avoid it this year, boys.

A Couple of Wedding Pics (Not Mine)

We had a fine old time at the Holihan wedding a few weekends ago. (Karen Holihan is my cousin, although I don't think I have any pictures of her.) Rather, I decided to post a couple pics of my siblings, parents and future sibling-in-law. Your fearless author went stag, but maybe next time we bring a special ladyfriend. Please enjoy...

Sweet ShanFam Action


Me and my Mom and Dad


Danielle (Mike's bride-to-be), Kate, Eileen and Me in Front


Mike, Mom, Dad, Me


My brother and I showing the old man some love


All looking forward to a headache-laden Saturday


Puttin' out the vibe with one pissed-off old lady


Smile idiots

Turnpike Jackass

Just because I have an Intelligence Quotient in the mid- to high-130s does not mean that I am intelligent. I have mentioned this before, but I'm pretty sure I have some sort of a severe learning disability that affects my ability to negotiate spatial relationships. For example, I can't look at someone and tell how tall they are, or what their height might be. I am bad with estimating crowds and distances, and even worse when it comes to measuring things like ounces or liters. Yes, when it comes to figuring out whether a shirt would fit, or if pants go with a shirt, I am quasi-retarted. It's not really my fault.

When you take this lack of ability to figure out where you are in the world and combine it with a very slight case of A.D.D., and add driving into the mix, you have a recipe for hilarious disaster. Such was the case with my soujourn home to Syracuse from the great state of Delaware (which was the first state, for those of ya'll who don't know).

Doug and Rachel and Catherine (their infant) and I had a glorious weekend of carousing, boozing and walking in the beautiful hot weather. Finally, regrettably, I had to go. I wanted to make sure I got onto Route 81 North before the sun went down and I got completely fucking lost.

I reached route 476 North at about 6PM, still with plenty of sunlight to be had. I saw a bunch of signs that the Penn Turnpike was coming up quickly, with lots of lanes and arrows pointing to areas where I could pick up a ticket and get on the 'Pike. But as the twisty road turned and zig-zagged, I somehow ended up on some sort of "express" lane which contained no ticket-machines. By the time I realized this, I had gone far too far beyond them and could not back up. It turns out I had reached a high-speed EZ-Pass lane, and because of my procrastination (go figure) I have not received my EZ-Pass yet, so I was traveling on the PA Turnpike completely ticketless. Oh the danger!

When I got to the end of the Turnpike, I flashed a $20 to the toll booth operator and told him I never got a ticket and how much do I owe him? I had expected him to simply shout out the maximum amount and I would just have to fork that over. But surprisingly, the toll booth operator (a younger guy wearing a backward baseball cap, of all things) took his time. He asked me where I had gotten on, how much it was going in the other direction, etc. He told me the fee would only be $5.25, which was the exact amount I had paid going into Delaware. He got out of his booth, quickly jotted down my license plate number and driver's license info, and then charged me the $5.25, made me sign a letter and then sent me on my way. Scanning the letter quickly, I saw the amount of $22.75, which I was sure was the amount I would be fined for traveling the 'Pike without a ticket.

But when I got on the road, I realized that what I was given was a one-time waiver, saying they would only charge me the normal fee this time, but if I ever did this again, I would get charged the total amount. WHAT? Was the state of PA giving me a break? The state I have always railed against for being such a horrible drive? I will no longer refer to you as Pennsyl-tucky, great Keystone State, for I truly do have a friend in thee.

Unless I get a bill for $22.75 in the next 6-8 weeks. Then it's ON.

Ben Frankin's Thirteen Virtues

When I was reading up on my last blog post (see my mastery of vocabulary and thought below) I came upon the Thirteen Virtues that Benjamin Franklin created as a young man. I am trying to better myself all around, and could think of no better starting point than the one's Old Ben came up with. And yes, those of you who know me know that I have a long way to go. But it's a good starting point, I think.

Keep in mind, Franklin came up with these when he was just 20 years old. Oh, if I could only be one-tenth as brilliant as Ben, even being that I am 50% older now than he was then. (The spelling errors are his not mind. Don't forget I'm a brilliant speller.)

1. "TEMPERANCE. Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation."
2. "SILENCE. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation."
3. "ORDER. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time."
4. "RESOLUTION. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve."
5. "FRUGALITY. Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing."
6. "INDUSTRY. Lose no time; be always employ'd in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions."
7. "SINCERITY. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly."
8. "JUSTICE. Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty."
9. "MODERATION. Avoid extremes; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve."
10. "CLEANLINESS. Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, cloaths, or habitation."
11. "TRANQUILLITY. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable."
12. "CHASTITY. Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dulness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another's peace or reputation."
13. "HUMILITY. Imitate Jesus and Socrates."

The Greatest American - Deconstructed and Disemboweled

In 2004 and early 2005, a survey called "The Greatest American" was conducted. It was a compendium of who we considered our all-time greatest citizens. I had never heard of this until a few days ago, though I had heard of the "100 Greatest Britons" and
"The Greatest Canadian." I always thought, what an interesting idea, why didn't they do that for America? It's only the greatest country on earth!

Now I'm sort of wishing they hadn't. I don't know who they were polling for this, but my guess is either a) nobody smart, or b) nobody intelligent.

I decided to pore through this list and give a YES, NO or MAYBE as to whether each person listed deserves to be counted among the twenty-five greatest citizens this country has ever known. (MAYBE=DEBATABLE) Before I get to the top twenty-five, let me do a quick blow-thru on the 75 nominees who didn't crack the top quarter, and give them a glib YES/NO/MAYBE rating as to whether they deserve to be counted among the top centenary of citizenry.

I don't know what the criteria is, but for me it would either be someone who either invented something, revolutionized a certain field, incapsulated a time period or movement (ie. is/was an icon), great leader, or was a hero in one field or another.

Now remember, and I cannot stress this enough, this is not about the last century, or the last decade. This is about the history of the nation, all 228 (at the time) years of it. Keep that in mind. I certainly don't claim to be a scholar on all things American, but if some of these choices don't boggle the mind...

The best of the rest (remaining 75, in alphabetical order):

* Maya Angelou (NO)
* Susan B. Anthony (YES)
* Lucille Ball (MAYBE)
* Alexander Graham Bell (YES, even though he was Canadian)
* Barbara Bush (NO)
* George H. W. Bush (good lord NO)
* Laura Bush (Jesus Harold Christ, NO)
* Andrew Carnegie (YES)
* Johnny Carson (YES)
* Jimmy Carter (of course NOT)
* George Washington Carver (YES)
* Ray Charles (NO)
* César Chávez (MAYBE)
* Hillary Rodham Clinton (are you kidding me? NO)
* Bill Cosby (NO)
* Tom Cruise (NO)
* Ellen DeGeneres (NO, what?)
* Frederick Douglass (YES)
* Amelia Earhart (YES)
* Clint Eastwood (MAYBE)
* John Edwards (NO)
* Dwight D. Eisenhower (YES)
* Brett Favre (I like him, but NO)
* Mel Gibson (NO, he had an Australian accent for years)
* Rudy Giuliani (MAYBE)
* John Glenn (YES)
* Alexander Hamilton (YES)
* Tom Hanks (NO, but he's good)
* Hugh Hefner (NO, maybe if he had died young, now he's just sad)
* Katharine Hepburn (MAYBE)
* Howard Hughes (YES)
* Michael Jackson (NO!)
* Steve Jobs (MAYBE)
* Lyndon B. Johnson (NO)
* Michael Jordan (MAYBE, if only for his dominance)
* Helen Keller (MAYBE)
* Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis (NO)
* Robert F. Kennedy (MAYBE)
* Rush Limbaugh (NO)
* Charles Lindbergh (YES)
* George Lucas (NO, not even the best director in America)
* Madonna (NO, and not just cuz of her new British accent)
* Malcolm X (MAYBE)
* Phil McGraw (NO, ummm... that's Dr. Phil)
* Marilyn Monroe (YES)
* Michael Moore (NO)
* Audie Murphy (YES)
* Richard M. Nixon (MAYBE, he did a lot of good stuff besides Watergate)
* Barack Obama (NO, way too soon, c'mon!)
* Jesse Owens (YES)
* George S. Patton (YES)
* Colin Powell (NO, though ten years ago I may have said maybe)
* Christopher Reeve (NOPE)
* Condoleezza Rice (ugh, NO!)
* Jackie Robinson (YES)
* Theodore Roosevelt (YES!)
* Babe Ruth (good lord YES)
* Carl Sagan (YES)
* Jonas Salk (oh hell YES)
* Arnold Schwarzenegger (um... NO... he's from Austria)
* Frank Sinatra (YES)
* Joseph Smith, Jr. (MAYBE, depending on how you feel about Mormon)
* Steven Spielberg (YES)
* James Stewart (YES)
* Martha Stewart (NO)
* Nikola Tesla (YES)
* Pat Tillman (NO, sorry)
* Harry Truman (YES)
* Donald Trump (NO)
* Harriet Tubman (YES)
* Mark Twain (YES)
* Sam Walton (MAYBE, only if for his business cunning)
* John Wayne (YES)
* Tiger Woods (NO)
* Chuck Yeager (YES)

Now after that, can you see how there may have been some questionable choices? Okay, now to the top 25. Remember, this list compiles what are the twenty-five greates people to have ever been a citizen of the United States. Does that concept hurt your brain a little? Cuz it does mine. We are talking about 230 years of presidents, science, sports, art, literature, music, film, war, business, entertainment, exploration, civil rights, you name it. Just keep that in mind on this list, ok?

The Top 25

25. Neil Armstrong. Okay, YES. He was the first human being to land on the moon, not only striking a blow for American pride, but also science. He is an icon of American ingenuity and excellence. Good choice. (ICON)

24. Henry Ford. Again, YES. He was a controversial figure. From "welfare capitalism" to Union-busting to mass-production to possible anti-semitism, there is no denying that the man is an icon of the auto industry, and therefore an icon of industrialization and modernization. (REVOLUTIONARY)

23. The Wright Brothers. YES. Wow, three-for-three so far, America! Orville and Wilbur Wright (counted as one person here) were not only the first to fly, but the first to fly repeatedly. They were the first to consistently get an aircraft to fly (not just glide) under its own power. National travel would not be the same without them. Or maybe it would have, just not as soon. (INVENTORS)

22. Rosa Parks. YES. Her refusal to give up her seat on a bus started a boycott that galvanized the country into taking one more step toward integration and equality. Can't really say much more than that. (ICON)

21. Muhammed Ali. YES. Perhaps the greatest athletic presence of all time, he was dominant in his sport, and outspoken outside of it. He was a larger-than-life presence and an icon of American sports. (ICON)

20. Lance Armstrong (Named America's "Greatest Athlete"). A-ha. Now the first chink in the armor. Say what you want about Lance Armstrong, but is he really one of the greatest Americans of all time? Are you going by his beating cancer? That's great but a lot of people have beaten cancer. Are you going by his dominance in the sport over several years? Where is Bill Russell or Michael Jordan or Jim Brown or Babe Ruth? Are you really telling me that over 100-plus years of athletics, Armstrong is the greatest? Sorry, I say NO.

19. Eleanor Roosevelt (Named "America's Greatest First Lady"). This one is a toughie for me. I admire her a lot, but who knows how famous she would have been had she not been the First Lady. And let's not forget, the First Lady is just someone who is married to the Prez. But she re-defined the role of First Lady, taking an active role in politics and not just being a trophy. Plus, she actually helped FDR get elected due to her connection with black communities across the country, garnering millions of votes. I'll say MAYBE (but leaning toward yes). (REVOLUTIONARY)

18. Bill Gates. YES. Criticize his business practices if you must, but you have to admire the guy's ingenuity and entreprenurial spirit. Plus, even though he was once worth over $100,000,000,000 (that's one hundred billion), he has given more than half of it away to charitable organizations. Not to mention that he helped usher in the new computer era, which has brought not only the country, but the world, a more effective means of communication. Wow, this list ain't as bad as I thought.

17. Bob Hope. NO. Okay, I'm sorry. Just because Bob Hope remained visible for six decades does not mean he was excellent for that long. (Forget that he was born in England.) Let's face it, he hasn't actually been funny since about 1968. He is to be praised for his longevity, but for advancing the comedy artform, give me Johnny Carson, Ernie Kovacs, Groucho Marx or Jack Benny any day. Sorry Bob.

16. John F. Kennedy. This one is a tough one for me, believe it or not. But I am going to say YES, and not because JFK was such a great president (he didn't really have the chance to become a great one) but because his death represents the death of American innocence. His life (and that of his family) plays out like an American tragic novel. All-American guy from large Irish-Catholic family, becomes president, is gunned down in his prime. By all accounts he was a great leader of men, though he had his missteps like the Bay of Pigs. He basically skated on charisma, from what I know, though he was not a weak man in any way. He makes my list as an icon, not necessarily as a president.

15. Thomas Alva Edison. YES. The Wizard of Menlo Park is one of the greatest and most prolific inventors in human history. Though he didn't invent many of the items he is credited for, he often improved those inventions. He had over 1500 patents. He is a symbol of intelligence and ingenuity. (SCIENTIST/INVENTOR)

14. Albert Einstein. (Named "Greatest American Scientist" and "Greatest Jewish American". Double-threat!). YES. Forget that he was born in Deutchland (that's Germany to you and me), this man's name is literally synonymous with "genius." (Or "idiot" if you are being sarcastic.) In fact, this guy should be way higher than 14th. He was voted the 10th most influential person in human history in one poll. Time Magazine named him "Person of the Century." He is considered one of the elite intellects of our or any other time. He should be like top 3. (SCIENTIST/INVENTOR)

13. Walt Disney. I would have to say MAYBE. I wouldn't put the guy who revolutionized quantum physics slightly below the guy who invented Goofy. Yes, he has become an icon in his own right, but in a way, hasn't his name become synonymous with everything that is wrong with America? Watered-down entertainment product? Evil corporate empire? Walt Disney is far more influential as a corporation than it was as a man. If you are going to go for entertainers, wouldn't you go for W.C. Fields or P.T. Barnum for more authentic American showmanship? He started an iconic corporate identity, but Walt himself? Iffy.

12. Thomas Jefferson. YES. Oh my YES. Not only is he an iconic president, overseeing the Louisiana Purchase and the Lewis and Clark expeditions, but he is one of the great philosophical thinkers of our time. Though he was a man of contradictions (an equalist who owned slaves), he is considered by many to be the greatest mind to ever occupy the White House. If it weren't for Jefferson and the rest of the founding fathers, who created an impenetrable set of rules for America to go by, who knows if this great experiment would have lasted. (LEADER)

11. Billy Graham. NO, certainly not top-fifteen. I admire him as a person, and he has had a long career of spreading gospel (however you might feel about that) but he hasn't had that one moment, that one iconic event to set him apart from other evangelists (though he appears to be refreshingly squeaky clean). I would say he is perhaps top-100, but #11 is pushing it.

10. Franklin D. Roosevelt. YES. For my money this man is the greatest president in the history of the United States. The sheer volume of things he accomplished (getting us out of the depression, through World War II, social programs, rural development) is staggering. The New Deal alone was revolutionary. Unemployment shrunk a little every year of his presidency, and the United States's Gross Domestic Product soared. And no, this was not cyclical; this was in direct response to many of FDR's programs. One of the great men of the 20th Century. (LEADER)

9. Oprah Winfrey (Named "Greatest Woman in American history"). Who is a greater American than the man who defeated the Nazis? A daytime TV talk show host of course! The fact that Oprah cracks the top 1000, let alone TOP 10 GREATEST AMERICANS OF ALL TIME (ARRRRGGGHHH MY BRAIN) is a testament to a woman who can market herself, even though she has little discernible talent. Seriously, what does this woman do? She has guests. Umm... she has a magazine with her own alien-like mug on the cover every issue. She tells people to read books (that she herself has not written, mind you). If this selection doesn't insult you a little, I have to seriously question your patriotism. Here's hoping Ricki Lake or Sally Jesse Raphael is on next century's list! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

8. Elvis Presley (Named "America's Greatest Entertainer"). YES. I am not a fan of Elvis's music. I personally would take John Lee Hooker or Furry Lewis any day, but as an icon and a tragic figure, he is nearly unparalleled in modern entertainment. He is an example of the legend exceeding the product, especially in his later, Vegas years. In a way he stole black music, and made it popular though it wasn't authentic. But his status as a legend is indisputible. (ICON)

7. Bill Clinton. NO. I like Bill Clinton and think he was an above-average president. #7 American ever? I don't think so. I'll move on from here.

6. George W. Bush (Named "Greatest Living American"). NO. The fact that there are people out there who actually belive this not only makes me sad, it makes me angry. This list just lost all credibility for me. I'm not sure I even want to go on. Where is Herbert Hoover or James Buchanan or Warren G. F**king Harding? Future generations will look upon this listing and laugh. Maybe we will be known as.... "The Dumbf**k Generation" over this.

5. Benjamin Franklin (14.9% of votes for Greatest American). YES. He wasn't a president, but he was one of the true renaissance men of early America. He was an inventor and a scholar, a writer, a philosopher, a newspaper printer and editor; he was the first true "polymath" of the United States. A no-brainer (irony not intended). (SCIENTIST/INVENTOR/ICON)

4. George Washington (17.7% of votes for Greatest American). YES. One of the most humble, yet virtuous and capable men in the history of our country, George Washington was basically coronated (he won the electoral college unanimously to become president), but he parlayed his status as a war hero not to be a dictator, but a benevolent ruler, setting the bar for all those who came after him (whether they adhered to it or not). He is clearly one of the three greatest presidents we've ever had. He is the very essence of American liberty. (LEADER)

3. Martin Luther King, Jr. (19.7% of votes for Greatest American, Named "Greatest African American"). YES. The Reverend Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. is THE African American of note in this country. No black American has had more impact or influence on the course of race relations and civil rights in this country. He promoted non-violence, but absolute racial equality. His assassination made him a martyr, but his legacy has lived on long after him. (ICON)

2. Abraham Lincoln (23.5% of votes for Greatest American). YES. Abraham Lincoln is one of the most virtuous men to ever lead this country. He helped not only end slavery, but to keep the nation together when it was crumbling. The Civil War was something he didn't want, but when it happened, he committed to it. Perhaps no president was more polarizing at his time, which is why he was so hated and then assassinated. I couldn't possibly do his presidency justice, other than to say that he is one of our three greatest presidents. (LEADER)

1. Ronald Reagan (24.0% of votes for Greatest American, Named "Greatest American"). YES. There is no way I consider Ronald Reagan to be the greatest American that ever lived, nor do I consider him to be our best president. Maybe not even top 10. But as an icon of American prosperity and the end of the Cold War, he stands alone. There were a lot of problems with his presidency that I believed were glossed over after his death, but he does remain an indelible icon of 1980s America, which is why I would include him, but not that high, and not as a president. (ICON)

Epilogue:

Okay, so maybe I didn't savage the top 25 as much as I thought, but I thought many of the choices (Armstrong? Oprah?? W???) are terrible, terrible choices. And there were even more questionable and/or flat out godawful choices in the top 75. Feel free to list your agreements/dissent in the comments section.

(And please, make it educated and not some stupid partisan, ad hominem attack, thanks in advance.)

The Whole Damn Shannon Fam-Damnly

I got these pictures put onto a disc so I might as well do something with them...


My Old Man, Bob, being lazy. Probably watching some terrible detective movie.


My Moms, Nora, looking mad for some reason. Kate did it!


My Aunt Peggy. Sister Margaret to some. [Eye roll] Laughing at one of my many hilarious jokes.


Me, furious that the Bills abandoned the "46" Defense for the less-agressive "Tampa 2."


Mi hermano, Mike. I don't know why I know that word. I took six years of French! Enjoying his delicious beverage.


My little sisters, Eileen (left) and Kate. Clearly thrilled at being photographed and not at all hung over.

Mastur-Gate: Carl Monday vs. Mike Cooper

Deadspin is my new favorite website. They brought the phrase "You're with me, Leather" to the forefront (a phrase, by the way, which I believe will replace "I'm Not Gonna Pay a Lot For this Muffler" as America's most uttered sentence), mocks Stuart Scott mercilessly and have awesome clips of people doing weird things on old Nintendo systems. It's a great site, and you should check it at least three times a day.

One of the gems they have been following is that of the case of Carl Monday and Mike Cooper. Carl Monday is Cleveland's Investigative reporter, and as he was doing a story about sexual deviants hanging around libraries, he ran into a poor, unfortunate soul named Mike Cooper.

Turns out Cooper is a Cleveland-area masturbator who likes to pull it out in public places, such as the library. And when Carl Monday's hidden cameras caught the young man in the act, they had to confront him. And it's pretty intense. (The video is below. The original Deadspin post is here.)



So anyway, turns out Cooper got arrested. So our intrepid Carl Monday went to the hearing. What followed was another explosion from Cooper (who apparently took his crank out of his hand for long enough to try and shove Monday and swear at a cameraman). And his dad cold flipped out before a valiant cop came to the rescue to diffuse the situation. You can see the aftermath here. (Update: here is the YouTube link.)



Here is my ultimate question, and try to follow me here: I have masturbated in a lot of public places. And I mean a lot. Libraries? Oh sure, makes sense. There are computers and lots of tissues at the librarians' stations. But I'm talking public parks, hockey games, press conferences, the Thruway, while mowing the lawn. Any time there is a free second to be had, I'm gonna pull it out and just go to town. But I have never actually been caught! Or if I have been caught the Peeping Tom who busted me has never had the gall to bring it up.

But if I were like Cooper, and not only caught spanking it in public, but caught on camera (and by the way, he had been kicked out of libraries before for pleasuring himself previously), I would be keeping a low profile instead of starting even more drama by throwing reporters' microphones and swearing and yelling. If you get nailed doing a Pee-Wee Herman, just keep your head down, your mouth shut, and do your perp walk to your mini-van for that long, awkward ride home with mom and dad. At first I felt kinda bad for the poor guy, but now it's clear he deserves it.

One More Last Final Arrested Development Note

I just wanted to point out that the greatest show in the history of television got two Emmy Nominations for this year -- one for Outstanding Comedy Series and one for Supporting Actor in a Comedy Series -- even though it was cancelled as of February 2006.



I know that I am like a pimp for Arrested Development, but it is the most complete and probably funniest show I've ever seen. And trust me, I watch a lot of TV.



It turns out the DVD release got pushed back until August 29th.



So yes, I am using this post as an excuse to put up photos.



I miss ya, A.D. I really do. [sniff]



Here's another one I love.



It's gonna be a cult classic, I'm tellin' ya.

Happy 230th America! Kisses!

It was 230 years ago today that our forefathers removed from our wrists the shackles of English tyrants and declared our independence to the world. With the benefit of being a nation founded by philosophers and thinkers, rather than of career politicians and monarchs, the great minds of those early days created the most successful and longest-running democratic experiment in the history of mankind.

Thirteen years after the Declaration of Independence went into effect, the electoral college unanimously elected George Washington to be the new nation's first president. Washington is invariably considered one of the three greatest presidents in history in every significant poll on great presidents (Franklin D. Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln are the others), and he is regarded as the "Father of our country."

Washington was a humble man upon whom greatness was thrust. He never wanted to be lauded for his many achieve- ments, but rather shunned adulation and wanted only to serve the just cause for which his countrymen fought. He proved himself time and again in battle, in both the French and Indian War and the American Revolution. When elected president, he waived his yearly salary since he was already wealthy. He stayed out of party politics, preferring to eschew party loyalties in favor of common sense.

In his famous farewell address, Washington urged the country to come together for American interests, and cease political partisanism. He also encouraged the country to remain out of foreign affairs, and concentrate on American interests.

And here is a line I find to be particularly topical:

The alternate domination of one faction over another, sharpened by the spirit of revenge, natural to party dissension, which in different ages and countries has perpetrated the most horrid enormities, is itself a frightful despotism. But this leads at length to a more formal and permanent despotism. The disorders and miseries, which result, gradually incline the minds of men to seek security and repose in the absolute power of an individual; and sooner or later the chief of some prevailing faction, more able or more fortunate than his competitors, turns this disposition to the purposes of his own elevation, on the ruins of Public Liberty.

Fast forward a couple centuries and enjoy the eloquent musings of another George W.



Yes, the founding fathers were rich white slaveowners, and yes the land was taken from those who occupied it first. But as far as political revolutions go, this world would (in my opinion) be far worse off without the United States' presence. For all our imperfections as a nation, we have always strived to protect the freedom of men and women to live as they wish, and of protecting with equality all people, regardless of race or social status. (We have not been fully successful in either of these, but we're trying.) But it is good to know that 230 years of progress and (mostly) good faith will not be torn asunder by 8 years of a nation losing its way. The pendulum always swings back, and over the many years of tribulations this country has endured, we will see it do so again. The tide rises, the tide ebbs.

But my hope for this country is that someday, we can all remember that even though we may believe in different things politically, and may have completely opposite viewpoints of the way the world works, we are all Americans. Though we have different accents and different religions, that does not need to divide us. And it's all right to be mad at this country, and criticize it, because dissent is one of the founding principles we need to acknowledge, and defend. Without dissent, we have unanimity, and uninimity behind an unjust cause or an unjust ruler (when we know it to be unjust) is just as bad as treason, because it threatens to slowly chip away at the foundation we were built on.

When we can look at a person we don't know, and give them the benefit of the doubt, since they are an American like we are, maybe we will finally bring to fruition the country that Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, Benjamin Franklin and George Washington envisioned.

I may be dead and gone when it does happen, but it's a beautiful dream to have. Happy Fourth of July to all.

Bad Sports Logos - Philadelphia 76ers (1991-1994)

Short and sweet. I am not going to say much about these, other than that they are the worst uniforms in the history of the NBA, and maybe in the history of sports. They the 76ers were shamed to go from their classic Dr. J, Charles Barkley, "Fo'-Fo'-Fo'" style jerseys to this eyesore, worn for three seasons. You may want to remove your children from the room.


Shawn Bradley




Manute Bol




Hersey Hawkins




Ron Anderson



Sweet Jesus, look at them. The red and blue color scheme. The off-center writing of the word "Sixers." The generic block lettering. Those awful stars on one side of the jersey and the opposite side of the pants! SHAWN BRADLEY!!!!

I'm going to be sick.

Not As Dumb As You Thought

Well that didn't last long.

I know that I promised you all that I would not blog for another month. And I am usually one to keep my promises. But I figured I should throw this one up there. It's partly because I find it interesting and partly because I might be bragging just a little bit. Besides, my biggest fan beseeched me not to hide my light under a bushel. Anything for you, babe.

I took two IQ tests today online on different websites. (One was at Fun Education, the other was at Tickle.com. Click to go to either or both.) I am not sure whether these tests are official or accredited or what. But since my mom promised me on the day of my high school graduation that she would tell me what my I.Q. was, and never delivered (ahem...), I had to take matters into my own hands.

The results were surprising. Turns out I am "gifted" by I.Q. standards. On the Tickle.com test, I scored at 135; on the Fun Education test, I scored a 138.

Let me read you what the Tickle.com test said. (And by the way, they say it's PhD approved, so don't let the fact that the site sounds like a kinky adult site minimize my near-genius.)

Your Intellectual Type is Visionary Philosopher. This means you are highly intelligent and have a powerful mix of skills and insight that can be applied in a variety of different ways. Like Plato, your exceptional math and verbal skills make you very adept at explaining things to others — and at anticipating and predicting patterns. And that's just some of what we know about you from your IQ results.

They compared me to Plato! And I used to eat Play-Dough! That's gotta be fate!

Now luckily, I roll with some very smart mo-fo's, which is pretty much everyone who reads this blog. (I would like to take credit for my blog making my readers just that much smarter, but who would I be fooling?) Therefore, I will not get a swelled head about this. But it is nice to have that little ego boost to know I'm not a drooling moron.

I am glad that the numbers were consistent. Anywhere in the 130s is pretty good, I think, so I'll take what I can get. (Apparently 142 and above is "Genius" level. 100 is dead-average.) I am very surprised, because even though I know my intelligence is okay, my grades were always terrible in high school, and only somewhat better in college. And I think I can chalk that up to my lack of focus, lack of drive and lack of clarity. (I once had a professor in college tell me I was "brilliant but lazy." He was right about the lazy part. He should have said "gifted but lazy," then he would have been right on the nose. I'm gifted, remember?)

I probably have some form of dyslexia or learning disability or something. Not that I'm making excuses, but I always feel like my head is cloudy and I can't think straight. Of course, other things will do that to a person too. Like love or some such thing. I have also been taking gingko biloba which apparently helps memory and increases blood flow throughout the brain and other parts of the body. Maybe I should take the test again without the gingko and see if it comes out different. Actually, I'll bet the gingko doesn't have much effect; no drug that good can be that cheap. It's like $1.99 a bottle.

Wow, considering I'm "gifted" I have really rambled on quite a bit in this one. What better way to express irony than writing about how high your I.Q. is and punctuating it with zero clarity of writing. Good job, Plato.

Anyway, I may or may not blog again before 7/22. So mark it down: it's a day I will definitely remember, that's for sure.

See You In a Month

Though this will likely cripple my per-day average number of hits (it was especially high this week), I am taking a vacation from blogging for one month. Technically, right now it is 11:27 PM on Thursday, June 22, 2006. So you will next see me on July 22, or perhaps thereafter. (I will continue to update the Golden Age Hip Hop Videos site, of course.)

I'm going into hiding for a little while. These infernal computer machines sometimes are damaging to the ol' psyche and I think I need to do a little inward soul-searching for a bit. I will still read all of your stuff (if you have any), so please, don't follow my example. Go forth and multiply your weblogging output.

Hopefully I will return with tales of interesting events with which to regale you. Until then, I think I need to give this computer thing a rest for a while. I won't be checking this blog until then, so if you have anything to ask, email me. See you in July.

A (Barnes &) Noble Effort

I must say this: Wednesday was a beautiful day. The sun was out, I hardly did any work. It was great. I felt good all the rest of the night. I know that those feelings are fleeting and can turn from good to bad in a matter of seconds, and this one was no different.

Thursday went to shit pretty fast. Work sucked; it was busy and annoying and I felt helpless. I got into an argument with a very important person in my life whose opinion and frienship I value very much. I still feel like crap about that.

I was mopey and miserable all afternoon. When I got out of work I had to get my pants on my suit hemmed in for Mike C's wedding this weekend. So I went to the mall and they told me the pants might be ready tomorrow. Great. I walked out realizing that nothing I ever fucking do is right. I always think I have the best intentions but when it comes right down to it, I'm a colossal fuck-up.

I don't get paid until tomorrow so I have literally no money. So what do I do when I have literally no money? I go to the one place I can kill 4 hours easy without having to spend a dime: Barnes and Noble.

Keep in mind. I am not a reader. I was a few years ago, but not anymore. I started a novel when I first moved into the house I live in now, but misplaced the book under my bed (a fact which I did not discover until months later) and never bothered to pick up another book.

But I love bookstores. I could peruse books for hours and hours. They always make me feel a little better. Not to mention, Barnes and Noble has a music listening station where you can sample lots of albums. I usually show up with a list of albums I've read or heard about and give the albums a spin. I once did just that for 2 1/2 hours and was late for a wedding. (That's not true, don't worry Mike.)

But today, my mood was so foul and untenable that even checking out some indie rock wasn't working. I took the headphones off and headed out, still dejected and pouty.

Then it got interesting real fast.

As I was exiting the music section, a woman started stumbling backward and nearly knocked over a table with a bunch of DVDs on it. I thought nothing of it, as she seemed older and I figured maybe her equilibrium was just a little off. I passed the lady (who looked to be in her mid-50s) and began to walk away, when suddenly I heard a clerk say "Ma'am? MA'AM! Are you alright?" I whipped around and the woman had fallen down.

Now here's one thing you should understand about me: I am a bit of a chickenshit. I don't like drama, I don't like confrontation, I don't like turmoil of any kind. I want things to be nice and easy and I want everyone to hold hands around the campfire and tell each other how great they all are. That's what I like. So any time I see something like a) a fight, b) an uncomfortable social situation or c) an emergency, I run the fuck away.

But for some reason, something kept me there. I don't know what it was. It was out of my character. I turned around and ran to the woman, who was being held up by the kindly old sales clerk. He was bald and had a nice beard and glasses with the string hanging off the back so he can hang them off his neck when he's not using them.

He was holding the woman up, and he was not very strong; not a stud like me anyway. He looked like he was struggling, as the woman -- though short -- was not light. The man's eyes looked at me, pleading for some help. Before I could notice that everyone else was standing around and doing nothing, I walked to the woman and held her up. The clerk (we'll call him Basil, since he looked like a Basil) said, "Is there anything for her to sit on?" Immediately I propped the woman up so Basil could hold her, and ran to the chairs near the listening stations. I snagged one and brought it back, put it behind the woman, and Basil and I sat her down.

I asked, "Should I call 911?" Basil said, let me go call a manager first. He entrusted the lady to me and ran behind his counter to page someone. The woman suddenly started to stiffen up, and though I've never seen one, I could tell: she was having a seizure. Shit. Suddenly I realized that I was the only thing between her and slamming her head on the carpet and I got nervous. Very nervous. Basil, where are you???

As Basil came bounding back to me, I could notice that her eyes were glazed over and her mouth started making a clicking sound. Hoping she wasn't choking or swallowing anything, I kept a close eye on her mouth. It looked like her teeth were grinding. She was not blinking, and her eyes had a steely, robotic gaze which told me things were not going well.

Suddenly, the manager walks in, actually whistling (!) and twirling the ring of keys on his finger. I should have seen this as flippant but it actually calmed me. He went up to the woman and said, "Ma'am? Can you hear me?" I started snapping my finger in hear face, like they do in movies, not sure if I should have, but why the hell not? I asked the manager, "Should I call 911?" He said, let's just give it a second.

Then the woman started to slump. I said, "I think she's going down." She peeled forward off the chair and Basil, the manager and I lowered her to the ground. I could finally see her face. She was a middle-aged woman, not elderly. She had a light mustache and about 20 sparse chin hairs. She wore glasses and had curly salt and pepper hair.

As we lowered her, her teeth started grinding. We weren't sure if she was breathing or not. I opened up my phone and looked at the manager as if to say, "Well?" He said, "Yeah, why don't you go ahead and do that?" I called 911 (my first time ever) and talked to a woman. She asked what my emergency was. I told her I needed an ambulance at Barnes and Noble. She asked my name. Why would they need my name? In case this woman breaks her ribcage, so she knows who to sue? I gave it anyway, since I was feeling worthless anyway. I tried to give her the address but forgot where I was and said the number and cross streets wrong.

The lady then started to seize. I said to the 911 lady, "She's actually seizing right now." This is the point at which I was freaking out. I have never seen anyone die and didn't wish to do so today, Thursday, June 22, 2006.

The 911 lady was actually very helpful, telling me exactly what to do. Basil was holding both her hands, and he said she was gripping. In fact, she grabbed at Basil's wedding band and started trying to pull it off. He looked at me and we both kind of half-laughed. What else can you do? 911 Lady said to put her on her side, which I relayed to Basil and the manager. They rolled her and she started to struggle just a little bit. 911 Lady was very calming and said just keep her still, help is on the way, if anything else happened, make sure you call us. I hung up with the 911 lady and prayed for the paramedics to get there soon.

(Interestingly, as all this is going on, as a woman's life is ostensibly hanging in the balance, people are going about their business. One woman checked out with her purchase, a couple rubberneckers sort of stared and walked by, a kid turned back to his music station and put his headphones back on. Look, I'm no hero, but how do you just stand by and watch?)

Basil and the manager and I just waited for a few minutes. The lady started to blink, much to my relief. She then grabbed the manager's hand and kissed the back of it, much like you would the Pope. The manager looked at me and we kind of half-laughed. What else can you do?

The woman was still very disoriented and though she was blinking, her eyes were clearly confused. Her grip loosened, her mouth opened slightly and her breathing went back to normal. So did mine, finally.

Then the medics showed up, and we all stepped back to let them do their job. They had just as much trouble with her, and she started writhing around on her back. One medic tried to get some blood work on her, another held her head down, another put the blood pressure pump on her. Basil and another medic went through her purse (looking for identification, you cynical ones). She had no identifying information whatsoever, so the questions began.

"What's your name? Where do you live? Do you know your phone number? How did you get here? Is someone with you? Are you on any medications?" The inquisitive medic yelled these questions, and then would yell "CALM DOWN! JUST LIE BACK AND CALM DOWN! YOU'RE FINE!" But those guys were good, no question. They finally got her to talk. Her name was Mary Jane and she had gotten dropped off there by her sister. They took her away. As they were leaving, I sort of followed them a few feet to feel out whether they needed any witness testimony. They didn't, so I told them "great job" and let them go.

I began leaving the music and DVD section, thankful that I had avoided witnessing the passing away of an old lady in a public place. Before I left, however, Basil stopped me and said, "Sir, I want to thank you for all your help." And another saleswoman there (who had not been part of the festivities at all) said, "Yes, thank you for everything." It wasn't exactly slow, dramatic applause as I walked out triumphantly, but it was nice to be appreciated. I thanked Basil back and walked out, a sincere smile on my face. The first one in many hours.

I actually felt alright about myself at that moment. Instead of turning around and avoiding an uncertain situation, I stuck around. And I would like to think that I actually helped out. Did I save this lady's life? Of course not, but maybe by helping prevent her from slamming face first into a CD rack, and by making the phone call to the 911 folks, I at least performed a relatively good-hearted and selfless act.

And I finally felt that maybe -- for the first time all day -- I had actually done something right.

Delphix Redux

The original Delphix crew from about 1998-99. Herb Deluxxe, Tonypounds and Dead See Scrills. Rockin' shit in the Jesuit Tradition since 1997.



I met Tony (squatting in the picture) in 1995 when we were in a "Wally-ball" class at Le Moyne College. We never spoke once, but then met in the lounge in Dablon Hall and became fast friends. He had the long, flowing hair of a renaissance horse-back rider, and the wit and sexual orientation of a young Oscar Wilde. I found out that he listened to rap music, and his knowledge was not only of the good, but of the obscure. I think he mentioned something about Ed O.G. and the Bulldogs and I was instantly in love. Tony and I had our ups and downs, but over the last decade he has been one beautiful Italian stallion.

I met Todd in 1997 at the Le Moyne Cafeteria. (I know, this sounds like such a cliche. Like how Busta Rhymes met Q-Tip or something.) I thought he was far too handsome to be "down" but when he talked with me for about 45 minutes about why the Beatnuts debut album (titled The Beatnuts) was one of the best hip hop albums around, I knew that I had found another kindred spirit.

Legend has it that Tony, Todd and myself were at the Dolphin Den on an unusually windy night, and the Delphic Sibyl came down to warn the three wunderkinds that the "fatal" hot wings had actually just killed someone, and we should shy away. We ordered them anyway, and they weren't all that hot. Turns out the person wasn't actually the Delphic Sibyl but a fry-cook. Still, the name stuck.

Those guys are still making hot music for your eardrums and some shit for that ass. Check them out at their MySpace page. And no, they are not 13 year old girls, pervs.

William J. Ripperger Jr. (1975-2006)

"June 16, 2006. Suddenly. Survived by his parents, William J. and Catherine Ripperger; brothers, Joseph Ripperger and Andrew Ripperger; grandmother, Madeline Ripperger; God parents, John and Mary Ellen Maley; several aunts, uncles and cousins.Family and friends may call Tuesday, 2-4, 7-9 PM at the funeral home of Alvah Halloran & Son, 2125 Chili Ave. Funeral Mass, 10 AM, Wednesday, St. Monica's Church (Genesee St.). Interment, St. Rose Cemetery, Lima, NY. Memorial contributions may be made to the Multiple Sclerosis Assoc."

Just wanted to give a quick thought on this. Knowing Billy Ripperger is one of the earliest memories I have. Back before my brother could even talk, Billy and I used to be good pals. Both our names were Billy, so we made reference to that fact every chance we got. He was a skinny redheaded freckly kid and I was a skinny blonde bucktoothed kid. We were just about the same age; I can't remember who was older.

I remember we used to call each other by each other's names for some strange reason. So he would say, "Hey Billy Ripperger" to me, and I would reply, "Yeah, Billy Shannon?" And we would giggle the way little kids do. Maybe we thought we could fool each other's parents so they couldn't tell us apart.

I will always remember spending Friday nights over at Billy's house. We would watch "The Dukes of Hazzard" or some silly show, then stay up late laughing. (I think his parents thought we were asleep, though.) On Saturday his mom would make breakfast and we would watch cartoons. This was all a quarter-century ago, but I remember much of it like it was yesterday. I remember the living room, the back yard, the upstairs. All very clear to me.

Billy passed away this past Friday, and I am now realizing that I haven't seen him in over 25 years. But hearing of his death deeply affects me. To say that a part of my childhood is gone would be a selfish comment. I have lost one of my first friends. But this isn't about me, it's about the other Billy.

Happy trails to you, Billy. You were a really sweet kid and I'm sure a great adult. My thoughts and prayers go out to your parents, brothers and the rest of your family. You're in a better place, and just know that you have touched lives -- even ones you haven't known in 25 years -- more than you know.

Your friend,
Billy Shannon

Jenny McCarthy is Not Funny

Ok so listen. I have always found Jenny McCarthy to be totally smokin' hot. I've thought so ever since she was on that MTV "Singled Out" show where she basically was there to look good and say semi-amusing things.

You will not see any of the N.O.C.W.I.T. staff questioning Jenny's hotness. In fact, when I was a sophomore at Le Moyne College in Syracuse, New York, I had a poster of Jenny on the wall at the foot of my bed. (This was when she was still just the girl from "Singled Out" and before she had become a true celebrity.) Though she was clothed in the poster, that was but a minor detail. I enjoyed the poster very much; I will leave it at that.


But something really disturbing happened along the way. At some point, Jenny started to believe that her role on television should be more than just sprouting cleavage and smiling and looking brutally boner- worthy. She actually thought that she was funny. Now, I can see why this might happen. It must happen to a lot of really hot girls. They tell a joke and a guy laughs a little too hard. Or the girl says something that would be run-of-the-mill in terms of wittiness in any other context, and a smitten young fellow might guffaw loudly and possibly say something like "Wow, you are FUNNY!" as if there is mutual exclusivity between hotness and a sense of humor. (I mean, look at this piece of ass for proof to the contrary.)

The problem is that Jenny is really not funny at all. I mean, if she were a friend of mine, I might think to myself, Well I guess, she's kinda funny. She told an amusing joke the other day. But she is not funny enough to be turned into some kind of nouveau Lucille Ball, which I'm pretty sure is how she fancies herself. The point is, if she wasn't pretty and didn't have enormous gazongas, she would be selling real estate somewhere. And there is nothing wrong with that, but how has a woman of such limited personality parlayed a pair of big ta-ta's into an acting career?

Check it out. She had a sitcom (1997's Jenny on NBC which lasted like 12 episodes. It was not quite passable as a showcase for the comic genius of Ms. McCarthy. In fact the only cool thing about it was that it took place in Utica (aka Boo-ya-ka), New York. That part is kinda awesome.

Then she had a comedy/variety/sketch show called "The Jenny McCarthy Show", which is kind of ridiculous that a group of very talented writers and comic actors (many of which went on to be on Mr. Show with Bob and David, one of my favorite shows of all time) were playing second-fiddle to this blonde dipshit who was clearly out of her league, comically.

She went on to guest star on various comedy programs and movies as the hot girl with a supposed "wacky side." But nowhere along the line did anyone have the heart to tell Ms. McCarthy that she is not funny. Instead, we have a litany of subpar performances where Jenny makes her patented "wacky face" (which often consists of her either bugging-out or crossing her eyes and making a weird mouth-shape) and talking about how much she loves to fart and poop and throw up. Ya know, to show she's not just a glamour girl. She's one of the guys! It's like she's saying, Yeah, I just happen to be hot by coincidence; guys like me cuz I'm hilarious! Okay Jen, okay...

She wrote some books too, which, if the excerpts are any indication, are side-splittingly mediocre.

Meanwhile, as "funny" as she is, if she looked like Rosie O'Donnell she could kiss 90% of her acting gigs bye-bye.

But there is hope. There are three possible ways that Jenny will drop off the face of the comedy earth and into oblivion (at least when it comes to speaking and/or overemoting).

#1: Dirty Love, the movie she wrote and that her then-husband directed in 2005. Forget the fact that the film grossed a dismal $58,116, as monetary rewards mean very little. I am more interested in the fact that she herself won three Golden Razzbery Awards, a.k.a. The Razzies, which give awards for the worst movies each year. (To give an idea of the movie, there is a scene where Jenny bathes in her own menstrual blood. Hilarious!) She won Worst Actress, Worst Screenplay (oh yeah, Jenny wrote the movie, did I mention that?) and Worst Picture of 2005. To me, this would be proof that perhaps comedy was not the avenue I was meant to traverse down.

#2: Jim Carrey. Supposedly Jenny is dating him. I can only hope that during their tryst, she realizes that Jim is actually a funny person, not just a person who says they are funny over and over so people will start to think it's true (which Jenny has done in countless interviews). Maybe by being exposed to the Maestro -- and I truly do think Jim Carrey is a gifted and unique comic performer -- she will realize that she is way out of her league on the whole comedy thing, and will give up the dream for good. Look, far be it from me to step on someone's career plans, but I think every person I know is funnier than Jenny McCarthy and some just aren't funny at all.

#3: The inexorable passage of time. Look, Jenny is still very young and she still looks great. But she isn't going to be a supermodel forever. Many years down the road, things will begin to sag and she will no longer be the fresh face on the scene. When this happens, I have a feeling more people will have the cojones to tell her that, No, you really aren't that funny. Just because you talk about pee-pee does not make you a hilarious comedienne. I hope it doesn't hurt her feelings, but someone has to tell her.

In a way I feel bad, because Jenny was probably just funny enough to make a person or two laugh, but it was the fact that she was juuuuust good-looking enough to be in Playboy that gave her any kind of exposure at all. It reminds me of someone who becomes a celebrity for acting, then puts out a pop album (coughLindsayLohancough). Why do you think one would translate to the other? For you, Ms. McCarthy, the next time you make me laugh will be the first.