Picks 2008 - Football is Here!

I rounded up a bunch of my friends to make football predictions. In February, we'll come back and revisit these picks and see who knows about football! Here we go!

AFC East Champ
Danny, My Original College Friend: New England
EJ, My First Hispanic Roommate: New England
Bill, Me: Buffalo just kidding, New England
Cunningham, My Football Buddy and Second Tallest Friend: New England
Dunford, Nicest Guy Alive: New England
Toastie, My Cuddliest Friend: New England
Jitter, My Tallest Friend and Rabble-Rouser: New England
Mike (f/k/a Beach Justice), My Favorite Brother: New England
Willie, Cocksman: New England
Javen, Professional Beerjangler: Buffalo!

AFC North Champ
Danny: Pittsburgh
EJ: Pittsburgh
Bill: Cleveland
Cunningham: Pittsburgh
Dunford: Pittsburgh
Toastie: Cleveland
Jitter: Pittsburgh
Mike: Pittsburgh
Willie: Cleveland
Javen: Pittsburgh

AFC South Champ
Danny: Indianapolis
EJ: Indianapolis
Bill: Jacksonville
Cunningham: Indianapolis
Dunford: Jacksonville
Toastie: Jacksonville
Jitter: Jacksonville
Mike: Indianapolis
Willie: Indianapolis
Javen: Indianapolis

AFC West Champ
Danny: San Diego
EJ: San Diego
Bill: San Diego
Cunningham: San Diego
Dunford: San Diego
Toastie: San Diego
Jitter: San Diego
Mike: San Diego
Willie: San Diego
Javen: San Diego

AFC Wild Card teams
Danny: Jacksonville, Houston
EJ: Kansas City, NY Jets
Bill: Pittsburgh, Indianapolis
Cunningham: Jacksonville, Denver
Dunford: Indianapolis, Buffalo
Toastie: Indianapolis, Houston
Jitter: Indianapolis, NY Jets
Mike: Buffalo, Jacksonville
Willie: Jacksonville, Pittsburgh
Javen: Cleveland, Jacksonville

---

NFC East Champ
Danny: Dallas
EJ: NY Giants
Bill: Dallas
Cunningham: Dallas
Dunford: Dallas
Toastie: NY Giants (fuckin' Kevin Boss baby!)
Jitter: Philadelphia
Mike: Philadelphia
Willie: Dallas
Javen: Dallas

NFC North Champ
Danny: Minnesota
EJ: Minnesota
Bill: Chicago
Cunningham: Minnesota
Dunford: Minnesota
Toastie: (do I really have to pick one?) Minnesota
Jitter: Minnesota
Mike: Minnesota
Willie: Minnesota
Javen: Minnesota

NFC South Champ
Danny: New Orleans
EJ: New Orleans
Bill: Tampa Bay
Cunningham: New Orleans
Dunford: New Orleans
Toastie: New Orleans (you know why)
Jitter: New Orleans
Mike: New Orleans
Willie: New Orleans
Javen: New Orleans

NFC West Champ
Danny: Seattle
EJ: Arizona
Bill: Seattle
Cunningham: Seattle
Dunford: Seattle
Toastie: Arizona (the mighty Cardinal, cuz the little fella has a big heart, plus the season preview from deadspin was hilarious)
Jitter: Seattle
Mike: Seattle
Willie: Seattle
Javen: Seattle

NFC Wild Card teams
Danny: Philadelphia, NY Giants
EJ: Dallas, Chicago
Bill: Philadelphia, New Orleans
Cunningham: Philadelphia, Green Bay
Dunford: Carolina, Arizona
Toastie: Washington, DE-troit
Jitter: Dallas, St. Louis
Mike: Dallas, Arizona
Willie: Philadelphia, Carolina
Javen: Philadelphia, Green Bay

---

AFC Champion
Danny: San Diego
EJ: Indianapolis
Bill: New England
Cunningham: New England
Dunford: San Diego
Toastie: Indianapolis
Jitter: Jacksonville
Mike: Patriots
Willie: San Diego (over Jacksonville)
Javen: Pittsburgh

NFC Champion
Danny: Seattle
EJ: Dallas
Bill: Dallas
Cunningham: Dallas
Dunford: Dallas
Toastie: New Orleans
Jitter: Philadelphia
Mike: New Orleans
Willie: New Orleans (over Dallas)
Javen: New Orleans

Super Bowl Champion
Danny: San Diego
EJ: Indianapolis
Bill: Dallas
Cunningham: New England
Dunford: San Diego
Toastie: Indianapolis
Jitter: Philadelphia
Mike: New England
Willie: San Diego, 38-23
Javen: New Orleans

---

(Bonuses)
MVP
Danny: Tony Romo, DAL
EJ: Peyton Manning, IND
Bill: LaDainian Tomlinson, S.D.
Cunningham: L. Tomlinson, S.D.
Dunford: Tony Romo, DAL
Toastie: Adrian Peterson, MIN
Jitter: Brian Westbrook, PHI
Mike: Tom Brady, N.E.
Willie: L. Tomlinson, S.D.
Javen: pass

Offensive Player of the Year
Danny: Tony Romo, DAL
EJ: L. Tomlinson, S.D.
Bill: Adrian Peterson, MIN
Cunningham: L. Tomlinson, S.D.
Dunford: L. Tomlinson, S.D.
Toastie: Kevin Boss Drew "D.Breesy" Brees, N.O.
Jitter: Brian Westbrook, PHI
Mike: Tom Brady, N.E.
Willie: L.Tomlinson/Drew Brees
Javen: Drew Brees, N.O.

Defensive Player of the Year
Danny: Antonio Cromartie, S.D.
EJ: Derrick Johnson, K.C.
Bill: Lofa Tatupu, SEA
Cunningham: Dwight Freeney, IND
Dunford: Jared Allen, MIN
Toastie: DeMeco Ryans, HOU
Jitter: Mario Williams, HOU
Mike: Patrick Willis, S.F.
Willie: Mario Williams, HOU/Julius Peppers, CAR
Javen: Patrick Willis, S.F.

Coach of the Year
Danny: Norv Turner, S.D.
EJ: Tony Dungy, IND
Bill: Ken Whisenhunt, ARI
Cunningham: Tony Dungy, IND
Dunford: Jack Del Rio, JAC
Toastie: Sean Payton, N.O.
Jitter: Jack Del Rio, JAC
Mike: Richard Jauron, BUF
Willie: Romeo Crennel, CLE / Brad Childress, MIN
Javen: Dick Jauron

Offensive Rookie of the Year
Danny: Chris Jones, SEA
EJ: Donnie Avery, STL
Bill: Darren McFadden, OAK
Cunningham: Darren McFadden, OAK
Dunford: Jonathan Stewart, CAR
Toastie: Kevin Smith, DET
Jitter: Kevin Smith, DET
Mike: Dustin Keller, NYJ
Willie: Matt Ryan, ATL
Javen: Matt Forté, CHI / Matt Ryan, ATL

Defensive Rookie of the Year
Danny: Derrick Harvey, JAC
EJ: Glenn Dorsey, K.C.
Bill: Domanique Rodgers-Cromartie, ARI
Cunningham: Glenn Dorsey, K.C.
Dunford: Leodis McKelvin, BUF
Toastie: Glenn Dorsey, K.C.
Jitter: Glenn Dorsey, K.C.
Mike: Dominique Rodgers-Cromarti, ARI
Willie: Vernon Gholston, NYJ / Chris Long, STL
Javen: Chris Long, STL

---

Passing Leader (yds)
Danny: Carson Palmer, CIN
EJ: Tom Brady, N.E.
Bill: Drew Brees, NO
Cunningham: Tony Romo, DAL
Dunford: Tony Romo, DAL
Toastie: Peyton Manning, IND
Jitter: Tom Brady, N.E.
Mike: Drew Brees, N.O.
Willie: Drew Brees/Peyton Manning
Javen: Drew Brees, N.O.

Rushing Leader (yds)
Danny: Adrian Peterson, MIN
EJ: Adrian Peterson, MIN
Bill: Adrian Peterson, MIN
Cunningham: Adrian Peterson, MIN
Dunford: L. Tomlinson, S.D.
Toastie: Adrian Peterson, MIN
Jitter: Adrian Peterson, MIN
Mike: L. Tomlinson, S.D.
Willie: L.Tomlinson/A.Peterson
Javen: Adrian Peterson, MIN

Receiving Leader (yds)
Danny: Larry Fitzgerald, ARI
EJ: Randy Moss, N.E.
Bill: Randy Moss, N.E.
Cunningham: Terrell Owens, DAL
Dunford: Braylon Edwards, CLE
Toastie: Andre Johnson, HOU
Jitter: Reggie Wayne, IND
Mike: Randy Moss, N.E.
Willie: Braylon Edwards/Torry Holt
Javen: Larry Fitzgerald, ARI

Sack leader:
Danny: Mario Williams, HOU
EJ: Jared Allen, MIN
Bill: Mario Williams, HOU
Cunningham: Shaun Phillips, S.D.
Dunford: Jared Allen, MIN
Toastie: Justin Tuck, NYG
Jitter: Mario Williams, HOU
Mike: Mario Williams, HOU
Willie: Mario Williams, HOU
Javen: Justin Tuck, NYG

AFC Sleeper Team
Danny: Houston
EJ: Kansas City (their defense is going to grab them a couple upset wins)
Bill: Buffalo
Cunningham: Buffalo
Dunford: Buffalo
Toastie: Houston
Jitter: Baltimore
Mike: Buffalo
Willie: Houston
Javen: Buffalo

NFC Sleeper Team
Danny: New Orleans
EJ: Dallas (Romo in '08)
Bill: Detroit
Cunningham: Atlanta
Dunford: Arizona
Toastie: Arizona
Jitter: St. Louis
Mike: Arizona
Willie: Washington
Javen: Carolina

Write 'em down in case the internet crashes!

Take That You Tina Fey-Looking Dummy

A great line I read today on the Community Organizers Fight Back Blog.

Jesus Christ was a community organizer.

Pontius Pilate was a governor.



Barack-n-Roll on these pigs.

---

And another thing...

While it's annoying to hear John McCain talk about being part of "the party of Abraham Lincoln and Ronald Reagan" -- as if they are in the same league -- it is maddening to hear him evoke the name of Teddy Roosevelt, who actually left the Republican Party (when it was the liberal party in the United States, by the way) to form the Progressive Party in 1912. (This was when the Democrats were led by anti-Darwinist William Jennings Bryan, the Buffalo Bills of politicians, having lost the presidential election three times.) It's misleading and disingenuous.

---

And one more perspective...

It's On

...It is so fuckin' on.

Sarah Palin gave a pretty forceful speech, basically starting a new culture war between the small-town salt of the earth and the liberal elites.

But in doing so, she has to give up any pretense of being some kind of wilting flower when Joe Biden embarrasses her in their one Vice-Presidential debate. She can't come out like a spitfire and then call sexism. Can't have it both ways. She can either be the hockey mom or the feisty firebrand.

She had to pick one, and she did.

And now the gloves need to come off.

She is, I'm sure, very happy about her speech within the friendly confines of the RNC, but she isn't going to be debating straw men set up by Jim-Bob and Peggy-Sue types; she's going against one of the foremost foreign policy experts in the country, and now that she's asserted herself with such a strong speech, it's time for Biden to bring the ...WOOOOH... hurricane.

No more playing nice, Dems. Fuck this "don't be condescending" shit. Nothing could compare with the snarky tone of that speech. Time to take the sash off the beauty queen. Instead of carrying around the card that says "Round 1," she needs to tape herself up and go into her corner.

This is gonna be awesome!

Rudy's Impeccable Judgment

Before you all start high-fiving each other over Rudy Giuliani's speech at tonight's RNC, let's not forget what he said only four short years ago at 2004's RNC.



Yeah, I definitely trust what he said tonight though. I mean, he hardly even mentioned 9/11 more than 5-6 times!

Patriotism

The word "patriotism" doesn't really have a definite meaning after all. I've been thinking about it a lot lately and I'm struggling with what it is.

Does it mean that you defend your country to the hilt? Or does it mean you criticize it when it starts acting up? Is patriotism being a yes-man, or speaking truth to power?

Where is the line? Fred D. Thompson spoke at tonight's RNC about John McCain and took a swipe at Barack Obama, saying (paraphrasing) that Obama basically gave a speech apologizing to the rest of the world for our shortcomings. Is it better to defend our country when it is as screwed up as it is now? Or should we acknowledge what's wrong and try and fix it?

If our country is so bad, then why does Obama love it so much? And if our country is so great, then why is McCain trying to reform it?

If you ask me, it's time we started taking a good, long look in the mirror and snap out of our narcissism.

This country CAN be great. It isn't now. It just isn't. Things may have been worse here (they talk about 1968 a lot) but they haven't been this bad in my own lifetime. Our economy is in the tank, we are dispised around the world, inflation is hitting all walks of life, and all our companies are being bought out by foreign competitors.

Also, I think it's great to be proud of your country, but do we constantly have to call ourselves "number one"? We can believe we're number one, we can hold ourselves to a high moral standard. But do we have to constantly throw it in the face of every other country that their country isn't as good as ours? No wonder everyone hates us.

I look at our tendencies to be jingoistic blowhards about our own superiority, and compare it to the fans of the Yankees and the Patriots. (Yes, I'm trying to piss everyone off.) For you see, for many years these two teams have ruled their respective sports, often winning their divisions and making their respective championship games. They are empirically the best teams of the last decade in each of their sports.

But when these teams are on top, you hear nothing but "Yankee Universe" and "19-0" and "Count the Rings!" and "Humble Pie" and all sorts of self-aggrandizement. It's one thing for these two teams to be dominant year-in and year-out, but it's another to have to listen to their fans yammer on about it all year long.

I feel like other countries feel the same about us. We are constantly saying that we are "the greatest nation in the world" -- or if you are a bimbo like Sean Hannity, it's "the greatest best country God has ever given man on the face of the earth!" But is our constant repetition of this fact to make other countries jealous? Or is it an "I'm good enough/smart enough/doggone it people like me?" Daily Affirmation? Either way, it seems a bit beneath us.

Do we have to wave the flag and shout "U.S.A.!" to show that we actually love this country? Or do we live our lives and behave ourselves in a way befitting of the greatest citizens of the greatest country? I have never been outside North America, but I honestly cannot imagine that any other country in this world exists with the opportunity, innovation and creativity of this one. Of course I know there is a lowest common denominator element here, but I'd rather have that common denominator have a chance and find a voice than to endure the hegemony of elitism. (We choose intellectualism because we prefer it, not because we must.)

When we see the arrogance of France, we think of them as stuck-up a-holes. Yet I'm sure they see us the same way. Just because we are "right" doesn't make our behavior less odious.

I would never want to live in any other country besides this one. Not Ireland, not Canada, not anywhere. But I can keep it to myself. Just because I don't go outside with a megaphone doesn't mean I love it less than you do. I don't have to drape myself in the Stars and Stripes to show you my love for this country. And just because I'm not proud of some of our country's dealings* doesn't mean that I wouldn't defend our way of life.

But we need to get off this name-calling kick where we are questioning others' patriotism because, in-effect, we don't agree on the definition in the first place.

After all, patriotism is not a celebration of a multi-colored flag, nor of an abstract concept of a national entity, but a celebration of a country's people. And when we attack each other over petty crap like that, we give ourselves less reasons to celebrate ourselves, and therefore less reasons to be patriotic.

*The Iraq War, the Valerie Plame Scandal, the Alberto Gonzales U.S. Attorney firings, the pardon of Scooter Libby, the Downing Street Memo, FEMA's response to Katrina, Karl Rove saying John McCain fathered a black child out of wedlock, Newt Gingrich's ethics violations, the Southern Strategy, Watergate, Slavery, the Tuskegee Experiment, the Patriot Act, not signing the Kyoto Treaty, My Pet Goat, etc.

"Swear to God" with the Rev. Winton Dupree

I've noticed that I've been swearing a lot lately. So to atone for my profanity, please view this short religious film to cleanse your palate and cleanse your soul.



F**kin-A.

Karl Rove is a Piece of Shit

Today Karl Rove called Joe Biden a "blowhard doofus."

This fat faggot should enjoy the next five months of his life, because on January 20th, when his homeboy Dubya leaves office as a powerless lameduck, he's not going to be protected anymore.


John F. Kennedy: Gunned down.

Martin Luther King: Shot dead.

Robert Kennedy: Killed by gunfire.

Benazir Bhutto: Assassinated.

Medgar Evars: Killed.

And yet this fuckbag who looks like a grown infant still walks as a free man, defiantly refusing to testify in front of congress. Can you imagine if you or I did that? He even got a job working for Fox News.

Every night before I go to bed I pray for an extra five minutes, that Obama waits until after he is elected president, and then forces this amorphous bag of shit to testify like a regular citizen.

THESE ARE THE FUCKING PEOPLE RUNNING OUR COUNTRY. MOUTHBREATHING FAGGOTS LIKE THIS. FOR GOD'S SAKE WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE WAITING FOR?

"I'm Not Gonna Tell You"

I saw this live and it was gorgeous.

Cristi Adkins is the blonde dipshit in the middle and the founder of P.U.M.A (Party Unity, My Ass) who embarrasses herself on this video.

These are some ignorant people. I can't believe this is the group to which all these policitians have to pander. At first I was really upset about this, but now I can actually laugh at it. The women that I know who aren't political junkies are too smart to fall for this shit.

Also, I think it's noteworthy that this is supposedly some big grassroots movement, and she got all of three people to stand with her to hold up that banner. I think this is a fabricated movement with no real legs.

[Update: If you didn't think this was a fake movement before, check this out, from -- of all places -- ComedyCentral.com (but sadly, it's true):

Former John McCain Supporter Jumps Ship to Support John McCain
POSTED BY: CubbyChaser
Meet Darragh Murphy.

She's a longtime supporter of Hillary Clinton who's so enraged that her candidate lost out to an inexperienced, misogynistic elitist like Barack Obama that she started a political action committee called PUMA PAC (either "People United Mean Action" or "Party Unity, My Ass!" depending on who you ask) to see to it that Obama loses in November. Big time!

According to Murphy's website...

There will be no unity in the Democratic party until the voices of the 18 million voters who support Hillary Clinton are heard and heeded. Until the voices of Pumas are once again listened to by the leadership of the Democratic party, we will be guided by that defiance. We will treat insult with uprightness and will meet disdain with disdain. We will not be bullied, brainwashed, or bossed into falling in line.

We are motivated to action by our shared belief that the current leadership of the Democratic National Committee has abrogated its responsibility to represent the interests of all democrats in all 50 states. They are misleading our party and aim to mislead our country into nominating an illegitimate candidate for president in 2008.

Wow! Now there's a staunch Democrat who really hates Obama and really supports Hillary Clinton!

How much does she support Hillary Clinton and the Democratic Party?

So much so that she founded her PAC four whole days before Hillary Clinton officially dropped out of the race. That would be the Tuesday, June 3rd, the day that Obama wrapped up the nomination!

So much so that she's only made one campaign contribution in her life, and that was $500 to John McCain in 2000!

So much so that she voted for John McCain in the 2000 Massachusetts Republican primaries!

Now there's a true blue Democrat for you.

Sherri Shepherd is a Sh-thead

Women have really come a long way in the last 50 years. They have made all myths of their mental inferiority disintegrate and blow into the wind.

So why would a show called "The View," which is supposedly intended to get the disparate views of intelligent women and have a dialogue. But apparently there is something that compels the producers of "The View" to add a complete idiot to their midst.

Sherri Shepherd is probably as dumb and uneducated a human being as I've ever seen. She was asked if she thought the earth was flat or round. See here...

I like how she says "I never really thought about it, but I do think about how to feed my CHILD!" She should probably have her child and all sharp objects removed from her.

Enjoy this discussion of dinosaurs and Christians...

Why are the other "View" hosts afraid to call this woman the drooling fucktard that she is? If anything, this proves that "all voices" do not necessarily need to be heard, especially when those voices come out of the mouth of this dope.

Even Abe's Down

The L-Word, and Why People Hate It

"Liberal" has become a swear word among some people, mostly on the right side of the political spectrum. Say what you will about Republicans but they are outstanding at creating buzzwords and pejoratives that stick.

I consider myself a progressive, definitely not a liberal. There is probably little difference, all told, but during this week of the 2008 Democratic National Convention, I am reminded why so-called "Liberals" can be so loathsome at times.

I don't particularly like Liberals, truth be told. It's not that I disagree with their opinions, because by and large I am pretty much in agreement with most of the issues of the Democratic party. But Liberals themselves can be an insufferable lot.

First, before I get into this I have to say one thing: I was just watching a brief segment on "Hardball" on MSNBC, where three women -- supposedly Hillary Clinton supporters -- were holding a fairly large banner that said something to the effect of Barack Obama having been registered as a Muslim when he was a child at a Muslim school in Indonesia. Chris Matthews, to his credit, asked these women to cite their source; they were unable to do so. (The woman actually said "I'm not going to tell you.") There is a theory going around that these people are actually Republicans who are trying to get people to think it's okay to switch sides and vote for McCain instead of Obama.

If that is true -- devious as it is -- it's genius. But if it isn't true, then these women are either deluded, stupid, racist or all three. They are children; they are small, petty, nattering little children. If Susan B. Anthony could have seen these women, she would probably have just given up. I'm sure there are men doing the same thing, but if these people really are Hillary supporters, then they are pretty much proving what most people thought: that they are racist and moronic. It's an embarrassment. Search for Cristi Adkins on YouTube -- or google "PUMA," which stands for "Party Unity My Ass" -- and see why. These people are the reason why the founding fathers created an electoral college instead of a direct vote; these dumb c*nts' votes should not count as much as yours or mine.

Anyway, back on-topic. The reason that people hate Liberals are not usually based on policy or political opinion, but rather on personality and attitude. We don't disagree with them, but we find them disagreeable. I have broken these down to six main reasons.

Now before you say, "But Bill, what about conservatives and Republicans? Don't they have unpleasant qualities too?" Republicans are fucking evil assholes. There isn't enough bandwidth on the internet to list all the shit these bastards have pulled in my own lifetime. But we all know about them. This is about why people that I personally agree with piss me off so much. They are the kind of people you want to agree with and get behind, and then they screw you right over with their unpleasantness and irrationality. They are like the friend that no one else really likes but you bring him around hoping he won't be an asshole, and lo and behold, he is an asshole.

So here are the examples of what make these liberals so unpleasant to be around, with real-life examples!

1. SELF-IMPORTANCE AND SELF-CONGRATULATION. No one loves to congratulate themselves more than liberals. Every pep rally is like an episode of The Sammy Maudlin Show. If a big-L Liberal does something good, they have to make sure that everyone knows it, and that all dissent is either racist, sexist, ignorant or homophobic.
   
   The best and most nauseating example of this is "All Aboard! Rosie's Family Cruise," one of the most gut-churning pieces of movie-making I have ever seen. No, not because it's a gay boat cruise. I think the concept is great, allowing gay families to come together and remove some of the stigma of homosexuality. But the level of self-congratulation is abhorrent. Yes, they run into some anti-gay groups on one of the islands -- ignoramuses all -- but the manner in which the infallible Rosie puffs herself up, and puffs up her own importance and her own virtue. It is films like this that (wrongly) make people hate gays, because they see the pretention and arrogance of the principal players.
   
   
2. USURPING THE MORAL HIGH GROUND. Let's face it: for the most part, Liberals are on the right side of issues and always have been. Slavery. Civil Rights. Prohibition. The Iraq War.
   
   But by God if they don't constantly let you know it. God forbid you are against something that a Liberal believes in, you must be a racist, a homophobe, or someone who doesn't want people to be happy. If you are against abortion, you are "anti-choice." If you don't believe in affirmative action, you are a bigot. If you are for the death penalty, you are akin to a murderer. If you think maybe that whole Israeli-Palestinian situation is just a little one sided, you are clearly an anti-Semite.
   
   My favorite example of this was shortly before we went to war with Iraq (which I supported initially, but now clearly understand was a tremendous mistake perpetuated by liars with a prior agenda). There was a rally for peace somewhere and there was a Muslim cleric of some sort at a podium, and he was spastically shouting "Peace be unto YOU! Peace be unto YOU! Those are words that are in the Koran, that came a thousand years before George BUSH! Peace be unto YOU!"
   
   Now, George Walker Bush will go down as our shittiest president, but where the fuck was this "peace be unto YOU" asshole right after 9/11 when twenty of his countrymen used planes as missiles? Where was this loudmouth in decrying his own pack of animals when they killed civilians? This man lambasted the U.S. for attacking Iraq, because it was the wrong thing to do; but he was never heard from in the days after our nation's greatest tragedy? He was sitting on his fucking ass doing nothing, that's what. This reason is also the reason Liberals sue everyone.
   
   Cry out against all injustice, not just injustice toward you, or shut your fucking mouth.
   
   
3. RUBBING IT IN. This is the one that I think really sends conservatives or independents over the edge. When Liberals get some modicum of success, the first thing they have to do is tell everyone what they just got and "fuck you" if you were ever against them! The worst -- and stupidest -- example of this was when the city of San Francisco legalized gay marriage and decided to have mass weddings in the front of city hall. Of course gay marriage should be legal; if they are consenting adults, it's no different than interracial marriage or a hot chick marrying a douchebag.
   
   But when you parade it around so defiantly, you are going to piss people off, flat out. What the gay marriage lobby hasn't figured out yet is that they talk about gay marriage being a "private choice" and then proceeding to parade their marriage around in front of people who don't want to look at it. If it were truly "private," you could do it in a small ceremony, and you know what? The issue would probably go away in 20 years. Conservatives think it's the idea of men marrying other men in the privacy of their own homes that they hate, but it's really having to look at it. If gays could figure that out and keep it out of the view of Joe Reckneck, it would be no big deal soon enough.
   
   
4. PRETENTION. This is what probably lost Al Gore the 2000 election. So many celebrities came out to "tell the people" they should vote for Al Gore. Ben Affleck, Tim Robbins, the guy who plays Will on "Will & Grace" (who is Canadian by the by), all telling me what Al Gore can offer me. That's very nice, and I'm sure they were all in touch with my life at the time, working two jobs, pulling down a cool $12,000 a year.
   
   Celebrities and some of the Liberal elites (like Nancy Pelosi, Barbra Streisand, Oprah to name a few) are talking to us from their ivory towers, telling us what is right for us. As if they are far more highly attuned to what is right and good and just, and that we, the simple folk, the common clay, what is right for us.
   
   Granted, most of the "common clay" (read: the flyover states) are fucking dipshits who were retarded enough to elect Bush not once but twice could use some harsh education, and based on the employment rates and economy, the idiots are getting exactly the education they deserve right now. But to have a Streisand tell me what's best for me from her oceanfront compound is rather maddening.
   
   
5. REFUSAL TO CONCEDE A POINT OR MAKE A RATIONAL ARGUMENT. This is personally the most maddening to me. Just when you think that a Liberal is going to make a good point, they fuck it up by making an equally ridiculous point. They will say something like, "The war in Iraq is wrong, and Rumsfeld is Hitler!" or if asked whether someone putting a Christmas tree up in a public place is wrong, they will say "NO BECAUSE IT'S A VIOLATION OF SEPARATION OF CHURCH AND STATE TO HAVE A CHRISTMAS TREE UP IN FRONT OF A DUNKIN DONUTS!!!!!" [Please note: Republicans pull this shit all the time too, because whenever you trash the pile of shit that is the Bush Administration, they will always respond with "Well what about Clinton???!!!"]
   
   The worst -- the absolute WORST -- example of this is that fat bag of shit Michael Moore, who makes movies that have the best intentions at heart (gun violence, the corruption of corporations, the Iraq War, the mess that is health care in America), and then proceeds to take EVERY Liberal position, and trash EVERY conservative opinion, regardless of how ridiculous or salient, respectively.
   
   My favorite example of this is the movie "Sicko," a film that rails against the evils of the health insurance industry. [Full disclosure: I am part of the health insurance industrial complex and am slightly biased.] In the film, he makes very valid points about how messed up the health care system is in the U.S., but then he proceeds to call insurance companies "murderers." Are these companies irresponsible or incompetent sometimes? Of course, every industry has them. But murderers? Go fuck yourself, tubby.
   
   In the same film, Moore takes some sick people to Cuba to get care. All the doctors, of course, are wonderful people there, and provide the best care imaginable, in clean hospitals with wonderful, hopeful music playing in the background. Because if Cuba is known for one thing, it's technological progress and clean hospitals. Also, Moore makes a point about prisoners in Guantanamo Bay who get better care than U.S. citizens. But can you even fucking imagine if it turned out that the Guantanamo prisoners weren't getting health care? I'm sure he would rail against that too.
   
   By the way, there is a magnificent documentary about the fraud that is Michael Moore called "Manufacturing Dissent." And no, it's not some piece of right-wing tripe like "Michael Moore Hates America." It actually involves a lot of liberal people and many of Moore's former friends whom he sold out. It's a great movie and you will never look at that fat slug the same way again.
   
   And finally, the Liberal offense du jour...
   
   
6. KNEE-JERK DEFENSIVENESS. This one is sweeping the nation. When Don Imus called those ladies "Nappy Headed Hoes," Liberals fell over themselves to be the first to be offended. As diverse a number of blowhards as Keith Olbermann and Snoop Dogg chastised Imus. (Drink that in for a second, Snoop criticized someone for calling women "hoes." You can't make this up, folks.)
   
   My favorite incident of the last year or so was when the Hillary Clinton campaign got upset with MSNBC's David Shuster because he said, "doesn't it seem like Chelsea's sort of being pimped out in some weird sort of way?" The Clinton campaign was horrified -- HORRIFIED I TELL YOU -- that someone would compare their own sweet Chelsea to a common whore, not realizing that in the parlance of our times, "pimping something/someone out" means simply pandering, and not a literal translation. To somehow imply that Shuster was calling Chelsea a prostitute isn't just misguided, it's dishonest.
   

Don't get me wrong, I am voting for Obama/Biden this November, and even though I'm not a Democrat, I find most of them far less offensive than their right-wing counterparts. Any party that elected George W. Bush twice has clearly lost their shit.

But I can see why some conservatives hate some of you.

Obama/Biden 2008

Many of my loyal readers may remember that I put my coveted support behind Joseph R. Biden, Jr., the senior Senator from Delaware, for President of the United States in 2008. 'Twas true in May of 2006 and 'tis true today: Joe Biden is the man.

When Biden was lambasted for calling Barack Obama "clean" in 2007, I got behind him (which I'm sure got him out of a lot of hot water).

Barack Obama is clearly a NOCWIT fan, because he heeded my advice and selected JB to be our next Vice President. Some people say he's risky because of some of his verbal slip-ups, but I would rather have a guy who speaks his mind, after 7 years of the White House being run by a glorified public relations company.

I will have more on this, I'm sure, in the coming months, but I am so beyond excited that Obama took Biden -- a man who never officially endorsed Barack and will not be one of his "yes men" -- and is bringing him to be a partner in fixing this broken country.

Here is a promotional video from the Obama campaign. I would also encourage you to read about his story, like how he commuted from Delaware to Washington, DC to be with his sons when his wife and baby daughter were killed in a car accident. (He never talks about this, by the way, or uses it for sympathy.)



I am very cynical when it comes to politicians, and I'm not saying Biden is a perfect human being, but he's always struck me as someone that I can relate to and someone who truly wants to do right by the country.

All you guys who voted for Bush can finally get it right. LET'S DO THIS!

Four Years!

Sunday marks my fourth Blogoversary. That's four full years of ruining the internet with witless observations, dull ramblings and uninformed opinions.

And unfortunately for you, I show no signs of slowing down! (Well, except for the fact that I haven't posted that much lately.)

But in case you are one of those impatient types, let me give you a rundown of some likely topics coming up this next year, the end of which will mark my full half-decade of blogging. Just look what's in store!

• My reaction to the Bills finally winning the Super Bowl.
  
• Why the court ordered me to stop drinking.
  
• Top 150 stupid things I did in the past 6 months.
  
• Assholes who pissed me off that day.
  
• Assholes who I pissed off that day.
  
• Sentimental crap that only I care about.
  
• A picture of my fiancee and her name.
  
• The restraining order my fiancee put on me (aka Silly fights!)
  
• My night in jail for ignoring the "hundred feet rule" or as I call it "suggestion"!
  
• Delightful beers that I defiantly drank in direct violation of Onondaga County Appellate Court.
  
• I cooked something!
  
• Opinions, opinions, opinions!
  
• Oprah is a bitch, Steve-O is a raging douche, Ann Coulter is a "soft-C."
  
• President Obama: Black enough?
  
• How I single-handedly financed the Russian mafia by using their music downloading site
  
• I can't believe I went this long without embracing the majesty of country music!
  
• "The Most __________ __________ Ever!"
  
• How the Iron Sheik found a way to make me humble.
  
• The world celebrates Bill O'Reilly's violent and humiliating death.
  
• I read a book!
  
• Boy was that "Watchmen" movie a disappointment! You know I read the comic book like a year before it came out, right?!?!
  

And that's about it. So that's like, what, two a month? I can pull that off. Try not to stay up too late celebrating!!!! HAHAHAHA ....ahhh...

The Death of the Mother Joke

I have been meaning to post this for a while now, but the fact that it's untimely will hopefully be overshadowed by the fact that it is irrelevant. Just indulge me for a moment; I need to purge.

The Mama Joke as we know it is dead.

It was fun while it lasted. What sprung mostly from poor minority areas as "the dozens" used to be a game of cleverness and wordplay, not meant to actually insult someone's mother, but to engage in a level of creativity on a competitive level.

But now, all is lost. That which made the mother joke an integral part of boyhood oneupsmanship has become a lost art, with lesser comedic minds attempting to engage in it with limited to no success. Loyal readers may remember an old post I wrote about the then-burgeoning MTV program "Yo Momma" starring that dripping-with-street-cred hunk Wilmer Valderamma. The jokes on that show, done mostly by a collection of urbanite ne'er-do-wells was subpar and amateurish at best, painfully pathetic at worst.

But while that was a collection of high school kids trying to get on TV, an episode of "Last Comic Standing" from this past July effectively killed the mother joke. Not only were these the supposed "best and brightest" of the young comedian set, but it was televised nationally.

Before I get into that, a quick breakdown of the mother joke, and why it works. Contrary to popular belief, the mother joke is not successful because it insults the other person's mother, which is one of the worst things you can do. Instead, it creates a hyperbolic image of one's hypothetical mother, and then creatively illustrates how ridiculous that person is.

It usually hinges upon taking a particular trait of a person (their age, their weight, their intelligence) and going to an extreme to show just how _______ that person is.

My personal favorite type of mother joke is the one that uses word play and double-meanings. A few of my favorites:

"Your mother is so fat, she fell in love and broke it."
"Your mother is so black, she went to night school and was marked absent."
"Your mama so nasty, I had phone sex with her and got an ear infection."
"Your mother is like the city bus: guys gettin' on and off her all day."

Another popular type of mother joke is exaggerating a certain trait that a mother has to an absurd degree. To wit:

"Your mother is so fat, she stepped on a scale and it said 'to be continued.'"
"Your mother is so old, her social security number is 12."
"Your mother is so old, she has Jesus's beeper number."
"Your mother so so dumb, I told her it's chilly outside so she went outside with a spoon."

Even the least creative of these early mother jokes had a certain patter and construction to them that made them work on some level. There is a certain formula at least.

It must be brief, which is why no mother joke starts with "your mother is so riddled with excruciating joint pain..."

The insult must come from the mother's weakness first, rather than the other way around, which is why you never hear "Greenpeace tried to throw your mother in the ocean, because she's so fat!"

And there should be some element of exaggeration, wordplay or even an old switcheroo, which is why the insults of "Yo Mama" by The Pharcyde worked:

"Yo mama got a glass eye with a fish in it."
"Yo mama got a wooden leg with real feet."
"Yo mama got a pegleg with a kickstand."
"Yo mama got an afro with a chinstrap."

Which brings me to "Last Comic Standing." I have never been a huge fan of that show, only because I have never found too many of the comics that side-splittingly hilarious, the judges are usually assholes, and the "reality" backstage drama is often so stupid and melodramatic that it undermines any comic tone the show may have. Other than that, I'm sure it's good.

Back in July, the show had a "Mother joke" contest, complete with a boxing ring and an audience, during which time these stunning wits got to trade verbal barbs with each other. With the exception of the unusual alternative Jesus freak comedy duo God's Pottery (who at least committed to their odd material), the whole thing was the final death knell for the mother joke as we used to know it.

I'm not going to bother with names because I don't know them and most of them will probably be unheard of within a few months. But let's explore each one and why they don't work, when applicable. (I put an asterisk next to a quote from one of the people who "advanced," so you can see the real cream of the crop.)

First Round:
#1. "Yo mama so fat, even her panties have stretch marks!"

This one actually comes close to being in the spirit of an authentic mother joke. It's a little weak but at least it's a decent attempt.

#2. "Your mama's so fat, even Stephen Hawking is like [in robotic voice] 'Man that is a fat hoe!'"

This is bullshit. He could have said anyone and done any impression to get the same effect. He could have just as easily said, "...even Sylvester Stallone is like [in Stallone voice] 'Man that's a fat hoe!'" Ridiculous.

#3. "Your mama's so fat, she sweats buttermilk and cries bacon bits!"
Again, at least this guy sorta gets it, but this kind of joke could have been replaced by "sweats gravy and cries maple syrup." Just "_____ and ______."

#4. "Your mama is so fat, when the Dodgers have a rain delay they use her jacket as a rain tarp!"

Wow, brevity is clearly a lost art. And the way he emphasizes "rain tarp!" was incredibly anticlimactic. This is wordy and clumsy. Plus it would have been funnier if he had said, "...they spread her out on the field during rain delays." Subtle, pithy.

#5. "Your mama's so ugly, pitbulls run from her!"
Weak. Insert any ugly animal.

#6. "Your mama's so old, she was the waitress at the last supper!" (Note: this one really got the crowd roaring.)

The delivery on this one was awful too. The joke itself isn't bad, but the emphasis on the last part is gay. Plus, it would have been wittier had he said something like, "You can see her serving refilling waters in 'The Last Supper'" or "The Apostles gave her an 8% gratuity...." Something.

Second Round:
#1. "Your mother is so pretty, Kenny and I were just talking... we think she could be a model."*

This was two guys called God's Pottery who were basically always smiling and talking about Jesus. Given that fact, this joke actually worked. They were at least working the anti-humor angle.

#2. "Yo mama's so old, she know the recipe for dirt."

Lame. Just lame. And lazy. "Older than dirt"? Seriously?

#3. "Your mother is so funny, when she tells jokes, we could just die laughing, which is fine because we're going to heaven."*

Again, this one worked because at least it wasn't the same old shit. They actually found a fresh angle.

#4. "Your mama's so fat, her bra size is [squeeeak!]

This goes back to my previous post, which is a lazy way of not having to come up with a joke. A similar example would be, "Your mama wears tin foil around her wrist, talkin' bout bling-BLING!" It's a set up without a punchline.

#5. "Your mother is so terrific, she was elected mayor of Awesomeville... By a landslide!"*

I really thought these guys were pretty funny

Other rounds:

#1. "Your mama is so stupid, she thinks Def Leppard sings in sign language."

I know what he was trying for, but it's a weak joke.

#2. "Your mama, is so old she want to high school with John McCain."*

Holy shit, your mother could be as old as SEVENTY-ONE! (And this douche advanced.)

#3. "Your mama is so poor, she changed out a $10 bill and tried to make it rain."

This sounded dumb coming from a blonde white girl, but the joke itself was decent.

#4. "Your mama is so special, there isn't a short bus short enough."*
This goes into the say-anything-you-like school of jokes. I would have preferred -- paraphrasing the great Aesop Rock -- "Your mother is so dumb, when she was in school she used to get 'G's." This was a lame-o attempt at a joke.

#5. "Your mama is so frigid, her vagina dispenses ice cubes."

Dispenses? Not a funny word. How about "I touched her belly button and ice cubes came out." Holy shit, I could have cleaned up on this show!

#6. "Your mama is somebody I would worship, because where I come from cows are considered sacred."

This was said by a comedian of Indian descent, and though there is a joke there somewhere, the phrasing and delivery is so godawful. Even something like "Where I come from, your mother would be sacred" would be solid, since anyone with a modicum of knowledge knows the idea of the "sacred cow."

#7. "Your mother is so white, she makes mayonnaise look brown!"

Was this even an attempt? "Your mother is so brown, she makes chocolate look white!" "Your mother is so yellow, she makes mustard look white!" Did you even try?

#8. "Your mother is so Korean, she has a demilitarized zone around her waist, her breasts are ruled by a dictator, and she hosted the Olympics in her underpants!"*

This guy was kind of going for an alternative type of humor but a snappy insult should be snappy and not a paragraph long. This guy is probably a decent comedy writer and a shitty improviser.

#9. "Your mother is so Canadian, she uses maple syrup as lube!"

Again, doesn't even make sense. Syrup is sticky, first of all. Secondly, whenever someone is dying comedically, they will go the sexual route, cuz it gets the easy laugh. This girl ended up getting kicked off at the end of the show, and thank God.

#10. "Your mother is so old, she was at the shower washing, raised her breast, and a pilgrim fell out!"*

A long way to go, but not horrible I guess. Would have been good as one brief sentence, instead of adding pauses and verbal commas.

Semi-final round. [For this round, they changed it from "Yo mama" to "You are such a hack...." The basic comic theory remains the same, except for the fact that "hack" is an abstract concept and doesn't lend itself to any kind of real clever wordplay or exaggerational humor. As you can imagine, it's comedy gold.]

#1. "You guys are such hacks, you suck harder than Paris Hilton on prom night!"

That sentence doesn't even make sense. You start off a sentence one way, and then end it with a completely different thought. It's like saying "You're such an asshole, you suck!" And a dumb twat like Paris Hilton is such ripe fodder she barely even raises an eyebrow anymore.

#2. "You're such a hack, that most of your jokes come from the Old Testament!"

These guys did have a biblical theme, so it sorta made sense in context, but it's not a strong joke.


#3. "You guys are such hacks, if you were a boy band you'd be the Hackstreet Boys."

If he had just said the second part of that sentence, it probably would have worked. As delivered, it sounded clumsy.

#4. "You're such a hack, the jokes of yours that don't come from the Old Testament come from the New Testament."

God's Pottery clearly running out of steam.

#5. "You guys are such hacks, your opener and closer is, 'Is this thing on?!'" [taps microphone]

Oh where to begin. By bringing up the "Is this thing on" joke, not only was he himself resorting to hackery using that as a reference, but how "inside" do you have to get? Just... what a sad attempt.

#6. "You're such a hack, that when they opened King Tut's tomb, went in, opened the sarcophagus, the mummy was holding a papyrus scroll with a number of your jokes on it."

Again, this same Canadian guy needs to tighten up his wording. With the right wording this one could have worked.

#7. "You're so hack, that your act has cured my insomnia."

Ugh!

#8. "You're so hack that you once did your jokes in a forest for a number of lumberjacks, and they said a few more jokes like that, and we'll get this tree down."

Get it, "hacks"? Oy.


#9. "You're such a hack, it makes Carrot Top seem fresh."

"You are so blank, you make blank seem like blank." Holy shit, this guy ended up winning the whole thing???

Finals (This round was "anything goes," to which the instruction was given by the delightful Bill Bellamy, "Say what you want, but make it funny!"):

#1. "There's Facebook, there's MySpace. To which social networking site do you belong? Swedish barnyard sex?"

He might have had something if he had made some kind of "Face" "Space" pun. The joke itself was interesting, but it didn't fit the "mother joke" motif.

#2. "Hey Jim, you're dumber than a ding-dong in a Ho-Ho factory."

I don't get it.

#3. "Oh that was very clever, I feel I'm in the presence of the Oscar Wilde brothers after a labotomy."

The syntax of the sentence notwithstanding, this one is kind of amusing. Didn't quite close the deal, but had potential.

#4. "I've got three simple words: The Revolutionary War!"

Yikes. That's like being in a mother joke contest with Chris Rock and saying "two words, Rodney King!" More cruel than funny.

#5. "There are limitations to the human mind. You have just proven it."

Okay this line killed. But it's not anything even remotely resembling a joke. Insult? Yes. Joke, not even fucking close. It's like saying, "Humans are flawed creatures. You are an example of that." How did these people get on TV?????!!!!

#6. "Well how 'bout this? You know what Jim? I think you're the kind of person, who doesn't enjoy rainbows!"

These guys went back to their schtick but by this time it had grown stale and the audience wasn't buying it anymore.

#7. [To the audience] "Hands up if you think their father should have settled for the massage."

I'm not exactly sure what's up with this comment but he did a smart thing by playing to the crowd for the knockout blow. There is a pretty scathing joke there somewhere, but this guy is clearly not up to the task.

Okay so I probably shouldn't be so bothered by this, but two of my least favorite things in this world are people who think they are funny and clearly are not, and when a cultural elements are usurped and bastardized.

Look, I know it's hard to do comedy, but if you are going to be on a national TV show, your jokes and humorous lines should be at least as funny as the ones that I trade with my friends over a few beers every so often. None of these people even struck me as ones that would stand out as being one of the more humorous people in my group of friends.

Maybe comedy as we know it is dead. Maybe comedy is so dead that I have an urn filled with its ashes over my mantle!"

Oh God, I've become one of them. Kill me.

Passing Gas

Farting is both hilarious and kind of terrifying. God gave us a portal from which to expel noxious odors from our intestines. It's a blowhole of sorts from where our innards remind the world of their existence by emitting a smell that can have a varying degree of offensiveness. But there are some interesting things about farting, several of which I am going to write about now.

One thing is that it gives us control of the weather. It's true! If you are in a room with several people, you can actually affect their environment just by little out a gentle little toot. It is the only bodily function where you can purposely send a smell out into the world. You can't do that from your armpits, mouth or anywhere else, because those places have to already have a certain amount of bad odor to begin with. You would have to work your way up to bad breath or a nasty armpit. But with farting, you can be dapper and well-groomed, and still ruin a football game for five minutes.

Another interesting thing about gas: how is it that you can tell how bad it is going to smell just by the way it comes out. When you let one rip, you can always tell how bad it's going to be. But usually not until the genie is out of the bottle, so to speak. Sometimes you take a risk; you are in a crowded room or elevator, and really need to unbloat, so you let off a little tester to see how it's gonna be. Hopefully, it's only a small amount that no one else will notice. But other times too much comes out, and you've made an ass (no pun intended!) out of yourself.

We think of air as being a constantly flowing entity, bound only by the strictures of those materials which hold it in. Yet, we can control air itself just through the simple contracting and expanding of our sphincter muscles. Think of the power of that!

Farting is also a good indicator of someone's social comfortability level. If you are in a business meeting, you are not going to let one go, because you are a professional and that would reflect poorly on you. However, if you were in my college dorm on any given night of the week, you would not hesitate for one moment to blast a butt-trumpet before yelling "safety" or "doorknob" or whatever phrase you would yell in futility to get you out of a beating.

I think willingness to drop ass is a good indicator of how close you are to someone. I have a wonderful friend who refuses to use public restrooms, but will gladly fart in my presence, often several times in succession. This person has purposely farted directly on me more times than I care to count. But by virtue of this, I know this is someone I can always count on, and someone who trusts me. (I hope the individual didn't trust me to keep the farting stuff to myself because, well, that cat is out of the proverbial bag.)

In fact fellas, I should say this: if you can find a woman who will not only fart in front of you, but be proud of it, you marry her. By gum, you marry her but good!

I will conclude thusly: if you know you have gas and bloating, and it is giving you discomfort, don't hestitate to let freedom ring. Maybe give me a heads-up so I can either cover my face or grab some matches. Don't hold it in. Who knows, you could be the next Le Pétomane! Besides, I read somewhere that if you hold it in, it turns to cellulite.

The Most Pathetic Ad Ever

Apparently the recession has hit the great state of Washington very hard. Please take the next 1:24 to view the following video, a Republican-made video that is intended to "welcome" Michelle Obama to Washington State.



There are three simply wonderful things about this ad.

#1. The production value is second to none. Not only is the quality of the VHS tape used for this spot of the highest quality (I would have to guess it's a JVC T-120 SX), but the acting is remarkable. Watch the way Lori Sotelo completely disappears into her role as "Patriotic Woman No. 1" by moving her eyes from left to right (or right to left for we, the viewers). The charisma just drips off of grassroots activist Melo-dy Leo (aka "Patriotic Woman No. 2") as she speaks from the heart, talking extemporaneously about how Americans can speak freely, and how she wakes up every morning proud to be an American. This clearly came right off the top of her head. State Senator Val Stevens ("Patriotic Woman #3") gave her not-at-all-contrived answer in front of a TV that she had turned up all the way.

#2. The reasons for being proud of America are well said and completely original. Lori Sotelo says that she is proud to be an American "because we live in the land of the free, home of the brave." Holy shit, where did she come up with that?! Fucking poetry. Is she one of McCain's speechwriters? Rose Strong ("Patriotic Woman #4") says (and please note the flawless syntax in this sentence), "no matter what your background, race or religion you have, you can do or be whatever you set your mind to!" Stand back folks, there are some new and radical ideas coming down the pike in this ad. I can do accomplish anything if I believe in my self??? We live in the land of the free? The home of the motherfucking brave?????!?!?!?!??!! Mine eyes have seen the glory! Take me now, lord! These words are dangerous and powerful! They could give people new ideas and inspire them!

#3. Thank goodness someone finally questioned Michelle Obama's patriotism. As we all know, black people have had it pretty easy in this country. Things like Jim Crow laws and segregation were really necessary because black folks were getting too much freedom. So how dare a person of color like Michelle Obama have the audacity to imply that somehow her country has not always served her best, due to the color of her skin? I'll bet she is ungrateful to Abraham Lincoln too, who did her the favor of setting black people free from slavery! Doesn't Michelle Obama realize how lucky black people have been in this country? A free ride on a slave ship and 200 years of inequality? Um, you're welcome, I guess! Not to mention, we all know that the best way to show your love of country is by reciting the pledge of allegiance, and spouting trite and well-worn phrases about "freedom," "pride" and "freedom." Questioning the way your country operates -- no matter how fucked up it is, and how much it is actually ruining its own legacy -- is simply not patriotic. Blind justification and partisan loyalty is!

Of course, what do you expect from someone who married a guy who wouldn't even wear a $2 metallic American flag pin?????!!!!!!??????!!!!111 How can you trust someone like that????!!!!??????!!!!!!1111one1111

Hopefully this ad inspired you as much as it inspired me. Now get out there and sing "God Bless America" at a baseball game, drink a Budweiser, and do all the things that proud Americans do!!!!!!!!!!!! For America!!!!!!!

Go Away Now

Dear Brett Favre,

There are about fifty things I like about you. I love that you don't shave but once every two weeks. I love that you made Green Bay a destination football town once again. I love your rocket arm. You are goddamned handsome.

Because of my like for you, I have sort of looked the other way when media types like John Madden, Mike Patrick and others praised you without nearly any criticism. When you celebrated after a touchdown, it was because you "loved the game." When you threw a bad interception it was because you were "a gunslinger." When you had two or three bad seasons in a row, it was because you need "a supporting cast." And in the rare event that the media actually did criticize you -- like when you said Javon Walker should shut up and report to camp -- I even agreed with and defended you.



But the one thing that I simply can't abide is your constant waffling on whether you want to retire or not. I would not tolerate it with genuine assholes like Michael Jordan or Roger Clemens, and even though I think you are a good dude, I will not tolerate it with you either.

For the last 4-5 seasons you have been flirting with retirement, saying you couldn't handle the grind, hated practice, wanted to spend more time with your family, blah blah blah. Enough. I am no Packers fan, but you have held this poor team hostage for too long.

They drafted a QB in 2005 -- THREE SEASONS AGO -- in anticipation that you wouldn't be sticking around. Now, I don't think anyone could blame you for wanting to come back for one more season to break some records. (You now hold 9 of them, and one negative: the all-time interception record).

But then you retired. Officially. You made the decision, let the Packers know before the draft, and then rode off into the sunset, with a decent season marking your last.

But then you came back.

Just go away. You've had your time. Stop drawing attention to yourself. Stop threatening to quit only to come back. Go out on top. Don't tarnish your legacy. Don't be Jordan, getting owned by young buck NBA players. Don't be Clemens, making a jackass of himself on an almost monthly basis.

Go away while you still have your dignity. But for Curly Lambeau's sake, just go away.

[Update: After reading this post from Deadspin, I'm not even sure Favre is a "good guy" anymore.]

Notes on Hancock

The new Will Smith movie Hancock has gotten some pretty scathing reviews. Apparently it did pretty well at the box office this weekend, although I have to say it's had one of the most disjointed and poorly-defined marketing of any big budget movie I've ever seen.

The studio tried to market it first as a semi-satirical movie about an "unconventional superhero," highlighting it's more humorous elements. (See those trailers here and here.) To me, this was a smart move, making it feel offbeat and different from a typical action movie. But in the few weeks leading up to the movie's release, the tone of the marketing changed, making it look like a typical action movie-by-numbers. (See what I mean here.)

I found the movie to be interesting and entertaining, but ultimately a little frustrating. If you haven't seen it or want to, I'm officially giving a SPOILER ALERT.

Here are some things I thought about the movie:

• Will Smith has grown on me, because he's shed his Independence Day/Bad Boys/Men in Black "I'm a cool guy" persona and actually found some range and depth to his characters. He plays characters now that are flawed and three-dimensional. It's sometimes hard to forget that he's Will Smith (he doesn't disappear into his characters like, say Tom Hanks or Russell Crowe, for example), but at least we're not aware of it every second of every frame. I still wish he would have just kept calling himself The Fresh Prince, though.
  
  
• Jason Bateman rules. He could play that same stammering everyman character for the rest of his life and I'd be fine with it. He is a bit of a sap in Hancock, but he adds the right amount of comic relief.

Okay, so my issues with the movie itself. First the good stuff:

• I like the way that the movie combines the worlds of fantasy and reality in the first half of the film. Hancock is a superhero, but he causes more damage than he prevents. He is unpopular because he is sloppy and uncaring. The sort of sweeping superhero stuff is undercut by a lot of missteps on his part (breaking things that don't need to be broken, creating craters every time he lands, being kind of a dick). The handheld parts of the movie make it feel more real, as if this kind of thing could really happen.
  
  
• For the most part, the comedy works. Since he is ostensibly invincible, Hancock himself can pretty much do what he wants, so he is arrogant, confrontational and ruthless. He doesn't make excuses for his behavior, he just justifies it. After he's saved a life, a female bystander says "I can smell the alcohol on your breath!" to which Hancock replies, "'Cause I been drinkin', bitch!" That attitude makes Hancock repellent to the characters in the movie, but endearing to the moviegoing audience.
  
  Now the not-so-great stuff
  
  
• There is too much backstory about Hancock's life. I don't mean that they spend too much time on it, because they really don't, but the appeal of the Hancock character is that he's a sort of anarchist ne'er-do-well. By trying to explain his past and psychoanalyze him, it detracts from that detached manner that made him such a compelling character in the first place.
  
  
• There is a major shift in tone a little more than halfway through the movie. It goes from this offbeat superhero character study to a very standard, very typical superhero/action movie. The action itself is fine, but it's very rote. There is nothing new to see here. The humor almost goes completely away, and the lighthearted nature of the first half of the movie becomes one of darkness and despair.
  
  It feels like a cop-out, as if the writer/director didn't know how to end it, or how to continue the same satirical note for the entire movie, and eventually gave up and said, "Screw it, let's just have shit blow up."
  
  [An aside: As far as cop-outs in movies go, I have two favorites: the one at the end of M.Night Shyamalan's Unbreakable, where we see title cards showing the fate of the two characters we had just spent two hours trying to find out about ("Samuel L. Jackson was sent to a prison for the criminally insane!!!!!!!!"); and the climax of Soul Food, where instead of the family at the dinner table having it out and the writer/director having to create a compelling resolution-through-dialogue, there is the scare of a house-fire -- which interrupts the seething tension -- and teaches us the trite lesson that "Wow, aren't we all so lucky that we have each other? And isn't that more important than all this bickering?" Come to think of it, the resolution in Ron Howard's EdTV -- writen by hacks-extraordinare Lowell Ganz and Babaloo Mandel -- decides to settle its philosophical issues of privacy and the nature of fame with an erectile dysfunction joke. Hancock doesn't come close to that level of disappointment, but the laziness is there.]
  
  
• Hancock's major enemy toward the end is a character who had a very small amount of screen time in the film -- and in an incompetent caper at that -- and then decides to exact revenge in a scene that came right out of Plot Convenience Theater. It did not grow organically from the story, but was rather set up to provide a de facto villain to Hancock. Unfortunately, the villain (named Red) is not compelling enough to provide for a satisfying conclusion; he is not a villain worthy of Hancock. It was a wasted opportunity to establish maybe a villain early on, maybe with some background between the two, and then have it pay off at the end.

Anyway, the movie is fun and worth a look, and although the movie doesn't make good on its promise of the exploration of a superhero in a postmodern framework, it was plently likeable.

Two Brutal Cinephiles

Know what would be awesome? If there was a site that had analysis and retrospective on some of the greatest scenes in the history of movies? And if the analysis was not only semi-scholarly, but also irreverent.

If YouTube clips of some of these movies were available, that would be awesome too.

And if it could be written by me and a guy named Kong, wouldn't that kick some serious ass too?

I wish that site existed.

Oh wait. IT DOES.

Hypothetical Obama - McCain Showdown

I think stuff like this is just very cool.

A site I came across -- Five Thirty Eight dot com -- apparently ran the upcoming 2008 Presidential election through 10,000 different scenarios, I'm guessing based on data they have and info they have analyzed.



Some of these stats are very striking. For example, the likelihood of an Obama landslide is over 26%, while McCain's odds of a landslide are just over 5%. Also, the odds of Obama carrying all of John Kerry's states from 2004 is almost 60%, but McCain's chances of carrying all of Bush's 2004 states is just below 14%.

Interestingly, this poll shows that the value of winning Ohio is not possibly as important as once thought. Here, Obama's chances of winning the election without Ohio is over 10%, and McCain's chance of the same scenario is just under 9%; Ohio, while important, is much less crucial than Pennsylvania. Obama's chances of winning the election without PA is an astounding 0.07%, virtually nil. McCain's odds of 2.98% in the same scenario, while lofty by comparison, still spell out Pennsylvania as being a dire need, and likely THE key swing state this election.

If my boy Tim Russert were alive today, he might be writing "Pennsylvania, Pennsylvania, Pennsylvania" on a dry-erase board. It's four months away but I still can't wait.

Snapshot Cuz I's Bored

12:00 Midnight between July 2nd and July 3rd is exactly halfway through 2008. I figured that out myself by counting it. On non-leap years it's at noon on July 2nd.

For whatever reason, I decided to put up a snapshot of what I'm listening to on my iPod. This is of no interest to anyone else but I may look back on it one day and wonder why I used to listen to such crap.

Mitch Hurwitz Should Act

For those of us swooning over the news that Arrested Development (aka The Greatest Show in the History of Television) is going to be made into a feature-length movie being released in 2009, here is a little something to whet the proverbial appetite.

It's a Clark and Michael episode featuring genius Mitchell Hurwitz as Michael's sleazy agent. It's long, but it's worth watching for at least the first four minutes, where Mitchell shows just a hint of why he is the foremost comic mind in comedy today. (Take that Judd Apatow!) If Mitch could only get a TV project or two off the ground.

"It wasn't that there wasn't talent in the writing of it, because there wasn't. It wasn't that the characters weren't there, and they weren't. It was because it was offensive to Chinese. You know how she knows? She's Chinese."

Desk Job Evolution

When I was in high school, I thought I knew everything. I thought that I was some kind of undiscovered diamond-in-the-rough. But I was a lazy bastard, truth be told. I thought I had an understanding of how the world worked, but I didn't.

I was full of shit.

I thought I could coast by on rhetoric and parroted maxims that I had heard but didn't really believe or even understand. I always had a small coterie of facts or factoids in my back pocket that I was ready to pull out at a moment's notice in any debate or argument.

My understanding of the world was platitudes and rote-memorization of certain truths that were not of my own creation, and insight that was not of my own discovery. I was the typical liberal-minded blowhard, thinking I had some sort of extra-sensory understanding of things.

When I was a senior in high school, I went to a learning development center to help me figure out why I was (allegedly) smart, but got terrible grades. I don't know that they ever figured out the reasons, but they gave me enough tools to get into college.

I went to college, fearful that I would be discovered for the fraud that I was. But surprisingly, I realized that I wasn't half the fraud I believed myself to be. Cognitive thought -- not memorization -- was actually far more my speed. In the college arena, my own thoughts were actually valued. I didn't have to regurgitate facts from 3x5 notecards, but was encouraged to actually think.

In the summers between college, I worked as "summer help" at an apartment complex for three consecutive summers. The work was grueling. Pulling weeds, cleaning apartments, painting fences, trimming hedges. My boss was a real asshole. He wouldn't let me wear a walkman. So all I had for 8 hours a day were my landscaping tools and my thoughts.

They drove me nuts. Every workday was like a personal hell. Working by myself, thinking thoughts, driving myself crazy with over-analysis. Ideas would come and go in my head. It was like the mono/dialogues of a madman, stranded on an island, with only himself to talk to.

In some ways, this may have been the genesis of my current, overanalytical nature. I always used to hear of people say that they would love to work outside. These people clearly have never worked outside. This job taught me two life-changing lessons: 1) it's okay to be analytical, but you have to find a way to harness it, and 2) I want to work at a desk for the rest of my life.

Working outside, in the elements, in the sun, is completely overrated.

When I went back to school after my third consecutive summer of landscaping my asshole boss's McMansion, I realized that I never wanted to mow another lawn, pull another weed, vacuum another apartment hallway, or clear the cobwebs from another basement.

Did that job ruin me on all physical labor? Maybe. I still can't stand doing these kinds of things, not because I'm not capable or even because they are too hard, but because they bore me to tears.

Working at the apartments made me vow to myself that I would never be bored again.

So when I went back to college in earnest my junior year (I wasn't sure if I'd be able to go back at the time, due to financial concerns), I made the pact to myself that I was going to overload my head with knowledge. I was going to take my obsessive-compulsive, over-analytical brain and put it to some use.

I had put on an air of mental superiority for many years, but I never proved it. It was about time to take the Camaro out of the garage.

Since the day I stepped back onto campus in August of 1996, I was ready to be a sponge. I needed to soak up as much information as possible.

That subconscious decision has bred a decade-long commitment to the absorption of information, the omnivorous ingestion of knowledge. I have always had a completist's streak in me. If you show me the tip, I'm going to explore the entire iceberg.

It started with hip-hop music from 1988 to 1996, of which I have a nearly encyclopedic knowledge.

It continued with cinema, which consumed my life for about a decade. (Sadly, cinema is currently in pathetic disrepair, though I am confident it will hit rock bottom as it did in the 1980s and rise again.)

It passed into the realm of craft beers, of which I am still woefully ignorant but constantly learning about.

Before I knew it, I had evolved. Not by some overnight metamorphosis, but through the lifelong commitment to knowledge. Sure, much of my knowledge of the useless sort that is valuable only for the Trivial Pursuit Pop Culture edition, but it is knowledge nonetheless.

What my job at the apartments taught me that to learn -- and to care about what is learned, no matter how seemingly trivial -- is the most important thing. It is crucial to challenge oneself, no matter how seemingly inconsequential that challenge is.

They say that one of the fatal flaws of our current president is that he doesn't have the "curiosity" gene. He doesn't question what is presented to him. He doesn't care to know anything other than what he "needs" to know. There may be something to that.

Give me a desk. Give me a problem. Or a question. Give me a goddamn challenge. If I stop caring, or stop rising to the challenge, that's when I know it's time to go back to pulling weeds.

Lakers-Kings '02 Revisited

I just have to make a quick post on this really quick because it's been bugging me not only all day, but for six years.

The 2002 NBA Western Conference Finals between the L.A. Lakers and Sacramento Kings was the most nail-biting, exciting NBA playoff series I've ever seen. I'm not a huge NBA fan, but for a few years I really took to that Sacramento team that was so much fun to watch, with their run 'n' gun, fast-breaking style, and stifling defense.

It is probably my all-time favorite NBA team. Chris Webber. Mike Bibby. Bobby Jackson. Doug Christie. Vlade Divac. Scot Pollard. Peja Stojakovich. They were a versatile, well-oiled team, who could beat you inside and outside. Webber brought experience, Jackson brought energy, Christie brought defense, Divac -- though aging -- could still post up inside. And Bibby. Oh Bibby. He was an assassin that season, hitting clutch shots left and right.

The most dramatic moment in the series happened in Game 4 when Robert Horry nailed a three-pointer at the buzzer off a tip by Divac. It was deflating, but Sacramento came right back in Game 5 to take a 3-2 lead, only one win away from dethroning the two-time defending champions.

The game everyone who watched that epic series remembers is the infamous Game 6. I will never forget it. I was in Maryland (of all places) for someone's birthday. While most people hung out and drank outside on a lovely summer night, I was camped out in the basement watching this game, which I had hoped would finally send the Lakers packing and Sacramento to the finals for the first time ever.

What I saw was one of the worst-officiated games I've ever seen. I know it's fashionable to blame the refs after a loss (even when it's warranted, like Super Bowl XL) but this was a travesty. Bibby got called for a foul after ostensibly head-butting Kobe Bryant's elbow. The Lakers shot 40 -- FORTY -- free throws. It was a terribly-officiated game. And for those of us who wanted to see a team other than the Lakers go to the Finals that year, we knew that the Game 6 loss was just a prelude to an inevitable Game 7 Lakers win.

There have been rumors for years about the NBA manipulating games to find the glamour matchups. Not that the league itself has had some kind of mandate, but maybe an unspoken understanding. And since the officials have been accused of being suspect in the first place, it isn't much of a leap to think that maybe there was some sort of subliminal agenda by some of the refs.

People have suspected referee Dick Bavetta (or as Tim Hardaway used to call him, "Knick Bavetta") of being a home-job ref for years. But when Tim Donaghy was found to have been betting on games that he himself was officiating, all the spectres of corruption went from a conspiracy theory to actual fact.

And just the other day, Donaghy dropped a bombshell, saying that the 2002 Lakers-Kings series was extended by two of the three referees in question, so that the Lakers would be secured a spot in the finals. Everyone who had been watching that series probably had a small feeling in the pit of their stomach at the time that there was an infintesimal chance that the fix was on. The officiating was just that bad.

Now, I'm not going to take Donaghy's word on anything. He's a felon, he's a liar, he's a cheat, and he was a fucking terrible referee. I hardly take him at his word. And it's easy for someone to take a much-disputed game and retroactively question the integrity of other officials. But still, the fact that it's even out there -- in FBI documents, no less -- gives it a whiff of credibility.

One note: the NBA has been shielding their terrible officials for years, instead of actually improving the product. For that I blame the Commish David Stern, and Stern alone. He had to know that the officiating product in the NBA was garbage, and yet he myopically defended the officiating against any and all criticism. He should have been addressing it when the first allegations of corrupt officiating came about in the old Heat-Knicks series of the early 1990s. David Stern can fine as many coaches or players as he wants when they badmouth the refs, but his heretofore staunch defense of the officiating in the league now sounds very hollow.

What is most disappointing to me about this series is that it reminds me of what could have been. A team I really connected with getting beat by a less-interesting, less-likeable team with (alleged!) help from the officals. That Game 6 completely deflated me as a sports fan, and it was a symptom of the tiresome dynastic nature of sports in the late 1990s and early 2000s (Yankees, Patriots, Lakers, Red Wings). Notably, it was also the last Lakers championship.

If information ever does come out that the fix was in, I don't know how it could be rectified. Do you give the Kings rings? Do you take down the banners at the Staples Center? Does David Stern retire in disgrace? And what role did Bill Belichick play in all this?

I can only hope that the poor fans of that charming "cow town" of Sacramento do end up getting a title one of these days, because I know that the city has a connection to that team like few others do. The Lakers didn't "need" that third title in a row; it could have changed the whole psyche of the entire Sacramento fan base, all while showing no real damage to the Shaq/Kobe/Zen Bastard Lakers. Those are the moments that can change a sports fan's world.

And if a few people came together to decide to take that away from the fans of Sacramento ... well, there is an engraved invitation to an exclusive part of Hell for all those awful men.

Entitlement Part II

This year marks the worst NBA Finals of my lifetime. Never have two teams met in a championship game -- I think in any sport -- where I would be very upset if either team won.

There was the 1999 World Series between the John Rocker Atlanta Braves and the Roger Clemens Yankees.

There was this past Super Bowl between the New York Giants and the despicable New England Patriots. [Note: I gained a bit of respect and just a shred of admiration for that Giants team after that game.]

There was the 1991 NCAA Championship between the UNLV Runnin' Rebels and the Puke Blue Devils. However Duke wasn't as nauseating at the time as they have become since.

But I can't stand either of the teams that are in this NBA Finals, and both for completely different reasons.

I know I know, it sounds classic: Lakers vs. Celtics. It conjures up images of Russell vs. Chamberlain, Magic vs. Bird, etc. But the current incarnations of these storied franchises are not ones which I can support.

Because if you forget the laundry that these teams wear, there is really no connection. Red and Jerry West are both gone, and none of the same players from the last time they met (the 1987 Finals) still remain as players. Amazingly, this will be the 11th time they will meet in the finals, but the franchises have evolved since the Showtime/Big Three days.

First, the case against the Lakers.

Honestly, what is there to like about this team? They have the most arrogant, aloof, condescending coach in the history of sports. The fact that he would tie former Celtics coach Red Auerbach with a win here makes this matchup that much more intriguing, I suppose. But though Jackson is one of the most successful coaches in the history of sports, that doesn't make him any more likeable. He is a great coach, no doubt. But he has always been in the right place at the right time, and in each one of his championship seasons, he has had two of the five best players in the league at that time (Jordan/Pippen, though I think Pippen is the most overrated athlete of the 1990s, and Kobe/Shaq). Watching Jackson win another ring with a smug, self-satisfied look will make me very unhappy.

How about that guy Kobe? How come everyone is forgetting that this guy was accused of rape just a few years ago? He is a moody, selfish asshole. He already has three rings, but has any great athlete ever played with less joy? Kobe's had his time, let's move along.

Oh, and let's not forget those fans, who got so spoiled with winning during the Lakers' three-peat years that they began to take it for granted. They don't need another O'Brien trophy.

Which brings me to the Celtics...

At face value, I actually kinda like this team. I like the new Big Three of KG, Ray Allen and Paul Pierce. But there is one reason why I find it hard to root for this Celtics team. And that reason is ....

...of course ....

Boston.

There are few things that Boston fans need less than another sports championship. They already have a World Series last October, and Super Bowl win appearance this past January. But just as that Patriots loss did wonders for putting Boston fans back in their place for a while, a Celtics win here could raise the region's douchebag quotient back up to 2004 levels. We don't need that.

In fact, I would have to say that my dislike for the Boston sports constituency (not the city, mind you) is such that if this Celtics team played in any other city, I would go out and buy a t-shirt. There is really no reason that I shouldn't love the Celts here: they represent Irish people, they have cool looking uniforms (especially with the gold lining), they are fun to watch, their coach is named Doc! But I'm afraid that this win could make the entire region of New England toxic with chowderheads spouting even more Yahdood false-superiority than ever. (I love you Willie-Moe; this isn't about you, babycakes.)

So what can I do? I have to make a decision. I won't be rooting for anyone, but rather against one of these teams. But who do I root against? A few hundred purple-and-gold clad employees? Or an entire region of the United States?

So it is with a heavy heart and my nose firmly held that I make it official.

I'm going for the Boston Celtics. Boston may yet redeem itself by winning this one with some class, dignity and humility. Boston, you have a chance to right the wrongs you've created. Cherish it.

Cherish it.

Entitlement

If there is one thing that a Democrat knows about, it's how to screw up a good thing.

While the year is still young and the 2008 Presidential Election is still five months away, the Democratic Party has done almost everything it could to self-destruct this first half of the year. I grew up a Democrat, but turned in my card about a decade ago, and nearly everything that has happened in the last ten years has reinforced my decision. [Note: I'm not a Republican, in case you were wondering. If you know me personally, this is readily apparent.]

And while there are a lot of people who could be blamed for taking what appeared to be a slam-dunk Democratic win in November and turning it into more of a question mark, I blame one person, one remarkable lady.

I think you know who I'm talking about. Her husband's first name is the same as mine.

Hillary. Oh Hillary. Every shred of respect that I ever had for this woman has evaporated in the last 6 months. I have never been a Hillary hater. I voted for her in 2000 when she was running for Senator in my state. (Granted, she was running against Rick Lazio, a terrible Republican candidate.) I blamed much of the rancor and vitriol with which she was met during her First Lady years on partisan bile and veiled sexism. (I still blame much of that on her.)

But in the last several months, I have seen why so many people cannot stand her. Now before you start in on me, I am not bothered by the fact that she is a "strong woman." I have tons of strong women in my life -- ones that retain far more integrity than Ms. Clinton -- and am not bothered by her accomplishments.

What I find abhorrent about this woman is the same thing that I would find despicable about any other man: she will do anything to be President. She doesn't care about the country. She doesn't care about the Democratic Party. She doesn't care about being a good person. And if she does care one iota about any of these, they are dwarfed by her drive to become the first female president, and by her sense of entitlement.

Why does this have to be? Is this her way of completing her own "I Will Survive" story after being publicly cuckolded by her husband? Is it some sort of destiny she feels she's fulfilling? Does she just want to stick it to the Republicans?

Frankly, I don't give a shit.

What she has done is taken a once-in-a-lifetime presidential candidate (that would be the future HNIC Barack Obama) and pulled him from his lofty perch. She has used innuendo (that he could be a Muslim, who knows!), outright racism (using aging wackjob Geraldine Ferraro to make racist comment after racist comment, and ended up becoming a contributor to Faux News) and inauthentic outrage.

Hillary has made things so bad that her menopausal female constituency are now threatening to vote for John McCain rather than support Obama. (Any female Democrat who does this not only relinquishes their right to accuse blacks of playing the "race card," but should probably also have their future votes halved.)

I think the day I turned was when that picture of Obama in a silly sort of African garb came out, and came (as most sources have said) from Hillary's campaign. This implication that Obama was possibly a Muslim in the past is the worst kind of racist pandering. The fact that she said in a 60 Minutes interview (paraphrasing), "Obama is not a Muslim ... as far as I know," shows that she really, sincerely is nothing but politics-as-usual.

Just because you have a donkey instead of an elephant backing you doesn't mean that these tactics are any less stomach-churning. If Karl Rove had employed this exact same tactic against a Democratic candidate, Hillary would be the first person to condemn them. Yet she and her supporters tried to practice the same old Republican fear tactics that we've been hearing for the last 7 1/2 years.

I really did think Hillary was better than that, but it turns out that she become so myopic toward a presidential nomination that she lost her soul in the process. This kind of behavior would fit right into a Bush White House. It's shameful behavior.

I do have to say one thing about the female support base that Hillary has; it is remarkable how so many women have so blindly followed Hillary throughout the last few months. Is it because they just want a female president? Would it be some kind of vicarious victory for all women? Do these women really believe in Hillary and her underhanded tactics, or do they just "relate" to her? If Hillary had all the same qualities and "accomplishments" (35 or so years of it), but were a male, would these female voters still take to her? How much of this is a belief in Hillary herself as the nation's Chief Executive, and how much of it is a recognition of similar genitalia? In my opinion, this tunnel-vision by some female voters has been petty, and in my mind has really set the feminist movement back, because if these so-called feminists are so ready to overlook major ethical lapses (Hillary's campaign called it "the Kitchen Sink"), then how are we to believe that their movement itself is in support of what's right, rather than just being in support of A Woman.

The irony is that, although I previously thought the whole idea of "Superdelegates" was idiotic, it may have done its job in saving the Democratic party from itself by thwarting Hillary's runaway momentum. I think to those observers who saw both sides, they could see that Obama -- for his shortcomings -- is a man with far more integrity than his rival. While Hillary brags of her 35 years of "accomplishments," Obama had quietly made his own changes in this country, and not in hallowed political buildings with speeches and grandstanding, but in [gasp!] real life. I hold out a slight bit of hope for the Democrats that they could see through Hillary's monotonous facade and reject her Rovian political tricks.

The fact that Hillary plans to "fight on" rather than hand the torch over to Obama shows me that she is far more interested in her own victories than the victories of her party, or in the interests of the nation. I sincerely hope that Obama shuts her completely out of the Vice-Presidential "Veepstakes" in the coming months. Hillary should not be rewarded for being disingenuous at best, and dishonest at worst.

Winnebago Man and Angry German Keyboard Kid

These are both (supposedly) real.